tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-364060242024-03-07T11:37:23.006+00:00Desperate to multiplyA London couple's struggle to conceivePortia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.comBlogger265125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-55190339768590108342012-01-11T21:31:00.003+00:002012-01-11T21:41:51.381+00:00A different sort of desperationHere I am again. <br /><br />I was pondering this morning how I'm desperate to multiply again, but more of a play on words and not a need to expand our family. <br /><br />The multiply in question is the magazine that me and Mr G are pinning our hopes of a financial future on. Having spent an inordinate amount of money building our family, we find ourselves in a bit of a spot financially. Our IVF spend was worth every last penny and in no way regretted, not even for a millisecond. It's not fair that we had to spend that money to achieve what others do gratis, but there it is. A part of our history and actually something i'm sort of proud of now. Weird but true. We made it through hell and came out the other side. We were one of the lucky couples and many many more weren't and aren't. <br /><br />Anyway, I digress. We now have two more mouths to feed and a whole lot less money to play with. We have also been hit by the recession and are bringing in a tiny fraction of what we need, leaving me desperate for Multiply, our new webmag on fertility, to survive. <br /><br />I'm pretty sure i would have pored over something that gave me that much information, but maybe i'm not indicative of those out there still struggling to build their family? Who knows.<br /><br />If you do read this, please do look us up - www.multiplymagazine.com - and give us a whirl. Tell your friends. Tell the girls at the clinic. The more people who sign up and chat on the forums the more useful it will be as a place to go for information, both formal and informal - from others in the same boat. <br /><br />That's all for now. Oh, except to say, if you do read this and do look us up. Let me know, and don't be afraid of feeding back exactly what you think. Thank you.Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-27333442561263825682012-01-09T20:41:00.004+00:002012-01-09T21:08:16.366+00:00Desperate to MultiplyI can't believe it has been more than 6 months since i posted. <br /><br />Actually, I can.<br /><br />My timetable of life with a 3 year old, a 1 year old and a part-time job doesn't leave me much room for posting. In any event, i'm not sure what i have to say would be of much interest to those who used to read my posts. I'm also not sure that those of you who did read are still doing much blogging or reading. I feel like i've somehow let people down. I'm not sure who, but I got so much from my blog and its readers at one point and i've no idea where everyone ended up. <br /><br />It's a weird place as IF is still a huge part of my life and of who I am. I have several strong friendships both in real life and in the ether, made as a result of IF. Girls who may or may not built their families either through IVF, donor or otherwise or by adoption. Every time I look at my children i'm reminded of where they came from. The candid nature of my struggles to multiply meant that everyone who knew me was aware of our struggles. That has meant that I have become a sort of IVF mentor to several friends. <br /><br />I spent years sharing my deepest, darkest stuff with my hairdresser (a cliche, I know) so that when she found herself in the same boat - several failed IVF's in and advice to give it up looming - she turned to me. I advised her to try my old clinic (the one that worked for me) and she's 19 weeks pg. (Fingers crossed) I have also talked to several others. Friends, friends of friends, mums struggling with secondary fertility issues and more. <br /><br />The last way in which infertility remains a huge part of my life is that Mr G and I have set up a website aimed at helping those struggling to start their families. <a href="http://www.multiplymagazine.com/"></a> Multiply Magazine is an online magazine packed with articles, up to date news items and a huge glossary of info for those starting out in the scary world of infertility and those already finding their way. We launched - well Mr G launched, as my time has been too limited to allow me to be of much use to him - about a couple of months ago. Take a look - it's full of useful information you might like to pass on to friends in need. As usual, Mrs Techno Twit can't manage to post a link in. The web address is www.multiplymagazine.com. Please please send it on to those who may be interested. There's also a weekly newsletter so they'll be bang up to date with all things to do with fertility. <br /><br />We're slightly at a loss as to how to direct folk our way. Any suggestions would be helpfully received along with news of how you're doing if you were one of my ladies once upon a time. <br /><br />Is Stirrup-Queens still the place to go share info?Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-50444681042980681432011-06-24T18:38:00.006+00:002011-06-24T19:05:33.926+00:00I'm still out here - picture of babies at end of postI read somewhere that 2011 would a year of great change for many people. <br /><br />It has been for us and many of our family and friends. One of Mr G's cousins died of cancer aged only 30 something. My Auntie - in her 50's is also fighting cancer. More than one marriage - at least 10 years old is on the rocks. <br /><br />But it's not all bad. As the overdone saying goes - change can be good.<br /><br />We have moved home. We were bursting at the seams in our London apartment. KM and I were sharing, as were Mr G and B. Not great for a marriage nor for my sleep! In our new home we have a bedroom each. Well, KM and B do and Mr G and I are rooming together again. We also have stairs. I haven't occupied a home with stairs for many years - not since I lived with my Mum when I was 17. That's a LONG time ago. I like stairs. <br /><br />As I sit typing, the sounds of sirens have been replaced with...(listens)...nothing much at all. Some horses whinnying (we back onto a field of horses) a few woodpigeons and the hum of our refrigerator. That's it. I like it. If it wasn't light so darned early - we don't yet have curtains in our bedroom - then we'd be sleeping really well. We're about 30 miles out of London in Hertfordshire. It only takes 30 mins or so to get back to our old place. I actually don't miss it at all - apart from my old friends, that is, and B's nursery.<br /><br />B is now just short of 2yrs 8 months and KM will be 9 months tomorrow. She's a smiley, happy baby. The image of her father and a lot like B. Funny, I wrote during my journey that I wanted a baby with Mr G's eyes. I've got that baby now but she's a girl not a boy, which I hadn't imagined. <br /><br />I'm still very much in touch with IF. I'm in no way wanting more children. We're done. Too old to do this again. But, as I've always been so open about our struggles, I have several friends who've told me that they're in a similar place. Sometimes, hearing how they're getting on brings back that pain. Not as strong as it's hard to imagine how bad that place was, but a moment of sadness.<br /><br />I've also taken a new job. You may remember the job that I so nearly got just before IVF5 did the job. Well, by chance i've been offered (and taken) a job editing the food page of a newspaper. I wasnt' sure I could manage that, a tiny baby, a toddler and a house move, but here I am, with several pages under my belt. (Sometimes i can't believe the place i'm in)<br /><br />Life sounds good, eh? Well, it is. The fly in our ointment, is our almost total lack of income, but no matter how tough life is financially, we know we've had our share of the jackpot with KM and B. Maybe we used up all our luck with them...?<br /><br />I just have a feeling of impending doom. I think it's an IVF legacy. I was so happy before we discovered our IF. Then everything came tumbling down. I'm back to happy but I can't shake this feeling of 'something has to go wrong'... <br /><br />I think that's enough for now. We have a family stomach flu and it's been a long day of mopping up sick whilst trying to recover myself. I need to get myself to bed. <br /><br />I do have a question for you - if anyone's out there any more:<br /><br />Have you signed up to any organisations that help(ed) you cope with IF or provided information about treatments, where to go, which clinic is best? Would you/did you pay for that sort of information? Is there enough out there in one place? Would a mentor have been useful? I'd be interested to know your thoughts. <br /><br />Oh - a gratuitous photo of the little ones...KM rarely wears the 'chavband' but a friend took them for the shoot and that was how it was. It's cute and stops people thinking she's a little boy - which they often do, even when she's in pink!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaXnqeV2jnRNqVkpyqefPQKX41qHuwn9eC5806VPu4jX_RXpQzB4Fih2H2hF24YHJlWCQtU00Zlj0u9q1gnzApQmEHYpAZTMzhV8KmC3Dl8Ox79uPN0GWtx0AflJ2sbHY96jI1rA/s1600/Barney+%2526+Kitty_12.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaXnqeV2jnRNqVkpyqefPQKX41qHuwn9eC5806VPu4jX_RXpQzB4Fih2H2hF24YHJlWCQtU00Zlj0u9q1gnzApQmEHYpAZTMzhV8KmC3Dl8Ox79uPN0GWtx0AflJ2sbHY96jI1rA/s400/Barney+%2526+Kitty_12.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5621863405976801698" /></a>Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-65183735185627271182010-12-07T21:11:00.003+00:002010-12-07T21:23:26.241+00:00Just a quick oneI'm about to go to bed, having had one of just three evenings spent without a fussy baby sleeping on me since Kitty Mabel arrived in our lives. <br /><br />I'd moan, but this isn't the place for that. I'm surrounded by ladies struggling to have their babies so i'm well aware of how lucky we are to have our second miracle safe and sound - fussy or not. <br /><br />One friend - only 35 - has had 3 failed IVF's. She found out over the weekend that her FSH has shot up to 25 since the summer. This is probably down to an operation to remove endomet.riosis that took off part of one of her ovaries. She's in shock and mourning this loss. She had not been told this was a risk of having that procedure.<br /><br />Another friend told me she's just had her second miscarriage in the last few months. That stinks too. She's surrounded by reproducing mothers so must be hurting. She's very private.<br /><br />A third has just lost her pregnancy after her baby was found to be sick. <br /><br />I'm immensely lucky to be where I am and i'm not about to forget that. <br /><br />I turned 42 last Friday. On the eve of my 39th birthday I was about to start IVF4. That cycle ended a few days later when I was told i'd never have children and to give up. If anyone had told me then that i'd be the mother of not one but two babies by the time I was 42, i would have told them where to go. I would never have believed it. Mothering two is extremely tough but I have not lost sight of where i've come from. <br /><br />Thank you G-d for my blessings and thank you all out there for being there for my ride so far. <br /><br />NIght night xPortia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-87610865938998063582010-11-01T13:57:00.003+00:002010-11-01T14:00:47.982+00:00Kitty Mabel<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjer-KjQ1XvbdncPzw0W36nmaE0hyphenhypheny2Y9ED3BPKZW1Pa6Eaxm0oukbytVmw853CkGgcBqWV4hRH_RM-RBCsfd31WtqfO5tUX7Q9si2v0sdrm9A6KUxDB-incQUipPZxt3Ar5LVRYg/s1600/Kitty+and+Mummy+17+oct+2010.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 267px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjer-KjQ1XvbdncPzw0W36nmaE0hyphenhypheny2Y9ED3BPKZW1Pa6Eaxm0oukbytVmw853CkGgcBqWV4hRH_RM-RBCsfd31WtqfO5tUX7Q9si2v0sdrm9A6KUxDB-incQUipPZxt3Ar5LVRYg/s400/Kitty+and+Mummy+17+oct+2010.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5534580186208596706" /></a><br /><br /><br />My daughter was born on 25th September 2010. <br /><br />Life's been just a bit crazy which is why its taken me so long to post. Off for a hospital appointment now. Will write more later.Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-6930086773899404512010-08-11T15:31:00.002+00:002010-08-11T15:43:46.941+00:00InjectionB's now 21 months and doing really well. At the risk of sounding like the boastful mother, his speech seems to be amazing. He can speak in short sentences and copies almost everything we say. Sometimes i hear him repeating back words from what i've been saying, even if it's not to him. He can even sing his 'ABC' from start to finish. It's extremely cute, but I do have to remember that his ears are ALWAYS listening and be careful what I say. <br /><br />One word he has picked up that i'd rather he hadn't is 'injection'. He watches me injecting my daily Cle.xane and sometimes gets a little upset as he doesn't like anyone doing anything to Mummy - even, it seems, Mummy herself. Anyway, yesterday, he had the syringe that we use to give him his medication (he has a summer head cold) and he started play injecting it into his tummy saying 'injection'. He then did it to me and to his teddy. It's great that he's taking it all in, but I felt a little sad that he should be seeing something like that. <br /><br />I suppose it's part of life for us IV.F mothers and on the plus side, perhaps he won't be as scared of having injections himself when he has his next vaccinations. Until he feels that it does actually hurt a bit, that is!<br /><br />I'm doing fine. I've 7 or 8 weeks to go now until the little one arrives (touch wood) and i'm starting to really feel a bit tired. My back is hugely achey - Mr G has taken B this afternoon to give me a bit of a break. I've no complaints at all though. I've friends around me trying for children who haven't had much luck. That feels very weird indeed. That's my job - to be the unsuccessful one. I try to be sensitive and supportive but without being too pushy as to what's going on for them. One has miscarried and would have been due at around the same time as me. I feel bad just being around her, but see her all the time. I don't want to ask her too much as she's a very private person, but i hope I can do the right thing by her.<br /><br />I just hope and pray that this little one arrives healthy.Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-17740233708864561532010-08-01T18:27:00.003+00:002010-08-01T18:50:51.360+00:00It's been a while (again). <br /><br />I've had a few thoughts over the last 6 weeks but never seem to find time to get them down on screen. <br /><br />One has been indignation at all the IV.F scare stories. Every day (well almost) one of our daily nationals carries some bad news story about IVF treatment or babies. It's like they're trying to find stuff to wind us up. Some of the recent headlines have been: "IV.F babies more likely to get cancer", "IV.F babies more likely to be still born" and one last week " IV.F mothers more likely to die in childbirth"! <br /><br />That last one was the most ridiculous. The one example of a mother who had died in childbirth had died when the anaesthetist had put the oxygen tube down the wrong passage. What's THAT got to do with IV.F for goodnessake?!! I'd link to the piece, but it was in our Sunday Times - which has retreated behind a pay wall. I've found a link to the stats in another paper <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/7909101/Pregnant-IVF-women-more-at-risk-of-death.html">here</a><br /><br />I'm willing to accept that there are more older mums which is perhaps as a result of IV.F but enough already with the scare stories. I can come up with enough scarey stuff on my own!<br /><br />I'm nearly 31 weeks, and, other than being tired, am (touch wood) doing ok. B is as gorgeous as ever. Can sing his whole ABC now - I especially like how he was W - "wubblewoo". SO totally cute!<br /><br />I'll post more soon. If I keep it short perhaps i'll manage more than one post each 6 weeks!Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-69774093228447140102010-06-21T13:19:00.004+00:002010-06-21T13:58:02.361+00:00Happy to have helpedI'm now 25 weeks and looking obviously pg. I'm sure you're bored of hearing this by now, but i still feel taken aback by way things have gone. I feel sure our luck has to run out at some point as i've gone from advice we'd never have children of our own to having my wonderful little boy and now a second pregnancy. In my darker moments I worry that this little one may have something wrong with her. How could we really be this lucky? Surely something has to drag us down again. After all, that's the way life has gone so far. Perhaps that's just the mantle of IF that i'll never shake. The belief that we're just not meant to have it easy. I think there's a large helping of survivor's guilt.<br /><br />Things aren't easy for Mr G and I on the financial front. We've been struggling pretty well since B was born and Mr G has had some bad professional luck over the years since we married. I'm not going to go into it as that would not be right, but it's enough to say that whilst we've had some lucky breaks in our family life, it hasn't crossed into that side of things. Having been through the IF mill though, i'm very aware of my blessings and would not change a thing. You realise what's important when you've fought for fertility.<br /><br />The story i wanted to tell - and i'm sorry for digressing so far, was about meeting someone in the playground today. I'd travelled to a different area to meet a friend today. Barney and I were playing on one of the big toy cars when another mum and her 2 and a bit yr old came over to share it. She and I got talking and it turned out we were pretty well the same age and had been to neighbouring schools. For some reason - i'm not sure why - i told her that Barney was as a result of several IVF's. She told me her little boy was also an IVF baby - her first attempt, but one she waited 6 months for as her ovaries had not cooperated until she did 6 months of Chinese herbs/acu.puncture etc. She'd been at the evil clinic that told me not to bother. <br /><br />I told her i'd written about our IF experience in a newspaper and her eyes filled with tears when she told me how she'd read each one and how much it had helped her and her husband. Her parents had refused to talk about it but had also read our columns. I welled up too. I was so pleased that we were able to touch others going through the same thing. <br /><br />She's been told she shouldn't bother trying for a second child and is having a really hard time of it. I know how she feels but didn't feel there was much I could say to help her. I had all of her feelings, but how can I stand there with a belly full of baby spouting sympathy. It would seem patronising, so I kept schtum. I did tell her to get a consultation at my clinic. Her clinic is all too ready to write off the bad cases in case their numbers are affected, but she might as well get a second opinion. I think a key to all of this is to keep on trying. If i'd given up on their advice, who knows where i'd be now.Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-55759283821983629202010-05-19T20:16:00.004+00:002010-05-19T20:41:35.214+00:00AWOL (includes baby stuff)I'm so sorry i've been AWOL for so long. Until i logged in, I didn't realise it had been <span style="font-style:italic;">quite</span> so long. <br /><br />All's well at this end. I had my 20 week scan yesterday. I'd been building up the nerves, worrying that having been blessed with one healthy IV.F baby, my luck had to run out some time. To be honest, i'm in a pretty permanent state of disbelief most of the time. Having taken 5 tries for B, the success of my one frozen embryo has totally blown me away. How can that have happened? I've long spouted the whole 'it only takes one' line to friends with a low tally (like mine always were) and only half believed it. I always had a low number of perfect looking eggs and never got anywhere with them. I totally didn't expect my last surviving embryo to get me very far. I'm still waiting for it all to go wrong. <br /><br />I'm conscious that it still could. For now, though, the little one, TP2, is doing me proud. Our scan showed one busy little baby who hardly let the sonographer get a decent shot. The baby kept kicking or punching me where the probe was pushing down and also, at one point giving a full-on wave with both hands, fingers fully outstretched. All bits seemed present and correct - heart, brain, spine, stomach, kidneys, legs, feet, arms, hands etc Phew. The sonographer was thorough and kind. He pointed out the that so long as the baby's measurements were on the graph charts all was well. Average was not necessary. He also said that the lower than average fluid on the brain is a good thing. Had he not, i'm sure i'd have been off panicking later. He also got so excited about the outstretched fingers (apparently fists are normally clenched) that he took heaps of pictures and gave them to us - instead of making us pay - as the sign on the wall demanded. <br /><br />Mr G was so reassured by the scan that he didn't feel the need for our second 20 week scan which is due tomorrow. Our first was NHS - free as part of our public medicine system. We'd booked the private one before this one as last time, the NHS one was so lacking. This was an entirely different experience. <br /><br />I'll share with you - although we're only telling our nearest and dearest - that the little one is......a girl. A little girl! Please G-d all continues to be well, B will be a big brother to a little sister. Once again, Mr G and I are stunned and so grateful for where life has taken us.<br /><br />B continues to be amazing. Here's a gratuitous pic from a proud Mummy:<br /><br /> <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYSE6iPcE3w4D0Weuc18DNyamh0B8MeFZMhEOPfa6-2prw8pRSNMLbNZuJTGDcSzoKycJo5GAT3ZM0updBlGkFjp-gcg-pj97xSnyM7YRHSDi3GhCemD0NvbkxI_Wtsncce8_Waw/s1600/Barney+at+Primrose+Eatery+17+May+10.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYSE6iPcE3w4D0Weuc18DNyamh0B8MeFZMhEOPfa6-2prw8pRSNMLbNZuJTGDcSzoKycJo5GAT3ZM0updBlGkFjp-gcg-pj97xSnyM7YRHSDi3GhCemD0NvbkxI_Wtsncce8_Waw/s400/Barney+at+Primrose+Eatery+17+May+10.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5473082250285759826" /></a><br /><br />Please excuse his teething dribble. He has loads of words - well over 50, maybe 100, and learns more every day. I'm totally smitten. He runs any time he gets the chance and is full of kisses and cuddles for us and for other babies and his grandparents. Every day with him is an absolute joy. Thankyou G-d. <br /><br />Thank you G-d also for the good news i've had this week. A friend has had a BFP after her first FET. She's 42 and her hubbie wasn't going to be up for a second fresh cycle. I'm SO pleased for her as she's wanted to be a Mum all her life. Also thanks due for <a href="http://definitionofinsanity.wordpress.com/">Becks'</a> safe arrival. Another miracle.Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-42219290848901981132010-04-03T19:49:00.002+00:002010-04-03T20:05:05.509+00:00AppreciatedThanks girls for your comments on my last post. It was really interesting to hear all your views and definitely food for thought. <br /><br />It really felt like a cosy girls' chat - which I suppose is what we're all about.<br /><br />I was visited by a fellow blogger yesterday. The lovely <a href="http://almamay.blogspot.com/?zx=bc1345e8413c1538">Almamay</a> brought her gorgeous little boy to meet me when she dropped off my doppler - which i'd lent to her for her pregnancy. For those of you not familiar - she was successful after a gazillion IV.F's. I was (and am) so happy for her. She worked SO hard for her baby and deserves every moment of happiness with him. He's super cute and it was precious to be sitting drinking tea with our 2 boys. <br /><br />B spent much of the time nagging me to watch "nee naw" (a Fi.reman S.am DVD) or "daktor" (the Little Red Tracktor DVD) or even "choo, choo" (Chugg.ington). I gave in, although we usually try to limit "TD" as he calls it, to an hour after dinner. He came down with a cold last night, so I think he was starting to feel a bit groggy and showed it with extra whinginess. <br /><br />Last night was a tough one with quite a lot of awake time and a very early start - 5am : ( By 9am, i was exhausted! I took him to the zoo where he was mostly interested in jumping in "pubbles" but also made a crowd of fellow visitors laugh by shouting "meow, meow" non-stop in front of the lion and tiger enclosure. I suppose they ARE big cats. He didn't seem at all phased, even when the (very) big cats were just on the other side of the glass in front of him.<br /><br />Off to bed in a minute to prepare for another busy night. (No complaints at all - I do truly still feel immensely lucky to be B's mummy and still thank G-d daily. I'm sorry if that sounds cheesey but it's true).Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-49671009167506854662010-03-31T20:07:00.002+00:002010-03-31T20:38:45.357+00:00Kicking myselfI feel like the person I used to hate. Well, not 'hate' exactly, that's a bit strong. Perhaps 'resent' or maybe 'want to be a million miles from me'. <br /><br />Two things have happened this week which have made me question my sensitivity. One I don't think was my fault. The other is only down to me, and I think i just got it wrong. <br /><br />The first relates to a girl I see regularly around the suburb in which i live. I met her through a local Mum's group - her little boy is a couple of months younger than B. The majority of the other mothers I socialise with are falling pregnant. I'd suspected she was one of them. We were out a few weeks ago and she was off the alcohol - along with most of the others. Only 2 were drinking - and one of them was 18 weeks pregnant (!). Of course i said nothing to her - none of my business. I'd told her my news, as the others in our group knew and I didn't want her to feel left out. She gave me a huge hug and seemed genuinely happy for me. <br /><br />Anyway, last week, after my scan, i'd shared my news with some other friends who didn't already know. She was there and was very quiet. I found out 2 days ago (from someone with a big mouth who should not have shared it with me) that she'd been pregnant and had had her scan that same week. There was no heartbeat. She's waiting for a D&C. <br /><br />And there i'd been, telling my good news and chatting about my flipping pregnancy and the great scan. Damn, damn, damn. My big fat mouth!<br /><br />After i'd heard the news, I thought about it overnight, asked for Mr G's advice, and decided to email her to tell her I knew and apologise for last week. She came back and said she'd have told me after it was all over but was very cross with the indiscretion of our mutual friend. (I think I got that wrong too - perhaps should've protected the confidence and not blabbed) I said I was here if she needed anything. Poor, poor girl. <br /><br />The second bad communication was today. A friend has been worrying about her fertility. She conceived her son (now 3) on her first attempt. (Literally) This time it has been a few months, and she's fretting. At 38, I don't really think she needs to worry just yet - it could take a few months. (I'd still said she might as well get everything checked out, just in case) Anyway, bearing in mind it's a bit sensitive, I wasn't sure how to tell her my news. I thought I had to say something in case she found out from elsewhere. I didn't want to tell her to her face nor by phone, as I thought that would be harder for her to react to if upset.<br /><br />Soooooo, I decided to tell her by text. (I've just read that and thought - IDIOT!) I really did think it would be kinder. WRONG! She responded to part of my text about meeting up, but totally ignored the pregnant bit. Mr G told he thought i'd got it wrong, so i texted again to apologise and explain. She left me a voicemail saying she thought it was a bit direct as a way of telling her but she was very pleased for us. (We've a history of miscommunication over the years. She hurt me a few times when we were struggling to conceive and she was happily with baby as she just didn't get how I felt.)<br /><br />Am I my own worst nightmare? I feel like i'm becoming someone I wouldn't like. I don't want to jinx the good luck we've had. Spose i'd better think a bit before I act. <br /><br />I'm sorry for the vent. I hoped it would help. Not sure it has....Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-70057417704466980812010-03-25T20:15:00.002+00:002010-03-25T20:55:01.803+00:00Oh my, I had a sleepless night last night. So worried about how the New Passenger (NP) was going to perform today. Then my ex Passenger, my gorgeous boy, woke at 5.30am, chatting about this and that and calling for Daddy or Mummy, and that was that. We were awake with our minds racing. <br /><br />We'd also had a minor fight over my PIO shot. It flipping hurt and I was sure a nerve had been hit. Mr G had to pull the needle out and put it in again. OUCH! I ended up sobbing dramatically whilst he administered my progesterone. Tensions were running high. (The good news is that was the last one - hurrah!) <br /><br />After a mad morning, rushing to prepare B's breakfast & lunch, eat something myself, tidy the kitchen, make breakfast for my parents - who were coming to mind B - get a wash on and tidy up for my cleaning lady, we finally left home - only about 30 minutes later than planned. B managed to fall and bite his lip just before we went and extra time was spent mopping up blood and cuddling a sobbing baby. <br /><br />It felt very peaceful to arrive at the swish scanning place. Weird to be returning. <br /><br />First the bloods - where the blood letter told me that my risk would be worked out on my age when the embryo was created - 37 and not my ancient, current 41. Then, the scan. All looked good - when the sonographer (a very glamorous lady) was able to catch him or her not moving, that was. NP (measuring in at 63.3mm) was constantly on the move - which was nice. <br /><br />The result - which i'm sure you're by now impatiently awaiting - was a stress relieving (for now anyway) risk for Down's of 1 in 2911 and 1 in 5377 for the other two Trisomies. Well done NP! Nuchal fold was 1.60mm. Advice was not to go for more invasive tests. <br /><br />We also heard the little one's heart beating away at 154bpm and both struggled not to lose it. I could see Mr G trying to hold it together. <br /><br />I'm so relieved but very aware we're just at the start. G-d has smiled down on us once again and we are so very grateful.<br /><br />I went off to celebrate with the most delicious Blood Orange sorbet from an <a href="http://www.timeout.com/london/restaurants/venue/2:23861/cocorino">ice cream parlour</a> close to the clinic. Yum!Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-6926785476155233762010-03-18T17:52:00.003+00:002010-03-18T18:20:18.780+00:00All sortsSorry for not posting for a while. Lovely <a href="http://highlandhardrain.blogspot.com/2010/03/guilty-party.html">Betty M</a> checked up on me from the depths of her new baby and post-op sick bed - get well soon my dear.<br /><br />I've not felt terribly inspired, and when I do post, the comments have been few and far between, so I wasn't sure who's following really. I know Mr G follows me, but then he gets first hand info anyway.<br /><br />I don't share my stuff just for the feedback but during my deepest darkest hours all your wonderful supportive comments and virtual hugs are what have kept me going. You ladies are very important to me. I'm just not sure who's out there any more.. I read a similar post from Thalia the other day. I'm not sure i ever built such a network as she has, but my little circle seems to have vanished into the ether. <br /><br />Perhaps i've been AWOL too long to expect much feedback. Any is welcome. <br /><br />Anyway, my news is that i'm 11 weeks and 1 day today. We had a scan this morning at the clinic and the new passenger (NP) is still there. Heart beating away. We saw fingers, toes and even a brain. Our 12 week Nuc.hal scan is booked for next Thursday 25th. Holding my breath and still not quite believing what's happening to us. Five fresh cycles to get B and one FET with one solitary embryo to get this far. Unreal. I have the odd moment of bubbling excitement in my tummy but try not to go with it. Too early. 41 year old me has even more hurdles to clear than 39 year old me did. <br /><br />Been glued to a programme called <a href="http://lifebegins.channel4.com/">'One Born Every Minute'</a> It's about a Labour Ward in a hospital - a fly on the wall documentary. I'm very aware I could not have watched it not so long ago - too painful - and that if this all goes wrong, then i will watch it no more. It has me in floods every week. <br /><br />B continues to be adorable. Lots more words - he's a little parrot - and loads of smiles. <br /><br />Holding my breath until this time next week. xPortia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-19993318391752393852010-03-06T10:13:00.002+00:002010-03-06T10:30:35.149+00:00Praying and hopingI can never think of an exciting title for my posts. I sit a while before writing and generally come up with something really boring. This time i thought i'd write first and see if something sprang to mind. (Most likely i'll forget and you'll get no title at all!)<br /><br />Thursday's scan (at 9 weeks and 1 day) brought tears to my eyes for the first time this cycle. The little one has limb buds, big head, shrinking yolk sac (thankfully) a beating heart and even moved when the Doc nudged with the scanning wand. I think the moving was what brought my emotions up.<br /><br />I exclaimed "I can't believe we've got this far". As usual, he brought me right back down to earth by frowning and reminding me that it's still very early days and that I shouldn't count my chickens <span style="font-style:italic;">just</span> yet. <br /><br />After the scan, undies and jeans back on and parked on a chair in front of him, I asked him how may people's pregnancies go wrong at this stage. He asked me why I was focussing on the negative and Mr G said it was because I was a pessimist. I laughed, but actually, if the Dr's didn't keep reminding me of all the negatives then perhaps I wouldn't. Any woman pregnant in the normal way would just assume all's well after seeing a heartbeat at this stage. We're simply not allowed to relax and enjoy! I suppose it's also down to my personality and the constant checks and scans, but if the Dr's were a little more hopeful, maybe I would be. <br /><br />Having said all of that, i don't want to get lulled into too much security before we get to 12 weeks and a nuchal scan. I'll book that if all's well after this week's scan.<br /><br />I'm still amazed by where I find myself.<br /><br />This week's otherwise been fairly uneventful. B had his MM.R. I didn't really want to do it as we have 2 au.tistic cousins in my family and although I don't believe that MM.R does cause au.tism, i do worry that if there's a propensity it could tip the balance. Single jabs is not an option as they've run out of one of them - mumps I think. Not immunising is also not an option. If we didn't live so centrally then i might risk it for a bit longer. <br /><br />Anyway, it's done now and i'm praying he's ok. At 16 months seems ahead of his peers. He has lots of words and understands loads. I hope that continues. <br /><br />So this week, i'm praying for both my little ones. My gorgeous boy and the little one i'm hoping will be our second miracle.Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-34484767495163810892010-02-24T13:33:00.002+00:002010-02-24T13:45:55.364+00:008 weeksJust a quick post as i'm in need of a nap and B has just gone off to sleep. Don't want to miss my chance as i'm to work tonight - teaching pizza and salad nicoise (yum).<br /><br />Anyway, the scan this morning showed the embryo - I know it becomes a foetus at some point but not sure when, maybe 12 weeks? - sorry, I've digressed. The embryo has grown and has continues to have a heartbeat. Phew. It was measuring 8 wks 5 days - but then one of the Docs (there were two in with us today) who seemed to be overseeing the scanning Doc who was perhaps learning the machine?) said 'give or take 4 days' which more or less could put us bang on. Double Phew.<br /><br />The whole experience was fairly stressful as we had to take B with us. Our usual lady couldn't look after him. He went mad for me when I went behind the screen to strip off and then was fussing and moaning when we sat with the Dr's afterwards. (I feel ashamed even mentioning this as i'm well aware i'm immensely lucky to be taking one miracle to watch the other potential miracle) <br /><br />As a result, Mr G went off in a huff with me because he hadn't been able to participate in the appointment. Not sure why it was my fault. Never mind. <br /><br />B and I went to treat ourselves to a post-scan Brioche from Le Pain Quotidien. I used to go there and sit in after a successful scan when B was my passenger and drink tea and eat their gorgeous bread with equally gorgeous jams and chocolate spreads. It was truly special taking him in there this time. We didn't sit in as he'd only want to run about. We both enjoyed our brioche though. It was pouring with rain - as it has been for WEEKS now - so we went to West.field (huge shopping centre) and bought vests and PJ's and a "daktor" (tractor) for Barney and shared a sandwich in Benugo sandwich bar whilst playing with said daktor.<br /><br />I continue to be gobsmacked by all of this. I am starting to relax a little, but I then remember all the ladies i know who've lost the heartbeat at 9 weeks or more and i remember to take each day at a time. <br /><br />For today i'll enjoy knowing there's a little heart beating inside me. Wow.Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-60627902016198615902010-02-21T21:50:00.002+00:002010-02-21T21:59:56.370+00:00It doesn't feel right to blah on about my niggles and doubts. <br /><br />I feel tiny and self-centred for expounding at length about my current fears. <br /><br />Why? <br /><br />Because <a href="http://evilstepmonster.blogspot.com/2010/02/and-it-just-keeps-getting-better.html">this lady's</a> situation puts it all into perspective. As does the situation <a href="http://sweetvee.blogspot.com/2010/01/two-of-us.html">this lady</a> finds herself in.<br /><br />What's wrong with the world when they fight so hard for their babies - which they both finally have - and then the rug is snatched from under their feet? <br /><br />They've got something to moan about. More than moan actually. Their bravery in getting up each day is an inspiration. I hurt for both of them to my core.<br /><br />So, when I stress about whether or not I will be able to add to my family - for which i'm hugely grateful, I remember that if I don't, i'll still have my health, my Mr G and my gorgeous B. I thank G-d for all of this several times a day. I pray to G-d that they (Vee and ES) will get through.<br /><br />I've a scan on Wednesday to see what's going on for me. Til then I shall count my blessings.Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-70614634360861327772010-02-16T20:03:00.002+00:002010-02-16T20:15:57.979+00:00One step forward...Monday's scan went fine and I spent much of the rest of the starting to believe that this might turn out ok. <br /><br />We saw a more defined looking pair of blobby shapes - body and head - the yolk sac and a heartbeat which was, apparently at a good frequency. It measured 12mm. Phew. The scan was with Dr Doom, who has started to warm up a bit with us and was quite upbeat. <br /><br />Oddly, he ordered HCG and progesterone tests. Progesterone I get, but HCG? Surely we're past that. I was going to query it but thought, 'what the hey, might as well' as I don't want to rock the boat.<br /><br />All the stats say such great things about a strong heartbeat at this stage with great percentages for likelihood of getting past the 1st trimester (and beyond). Then they go and ruin it by excluding older mothers and IVF'rs. Not too sure where I stand on the older mum thang as this embryo was formed from a 37 year old egg. I hope the various risks are based on that. I'm sure a Nuch.al scan would use that age.<br /><br />Anyway, the fly in my ointment came at 6ish when Dr Doom rang to tell me that my progesterone has fallen AGAIN. It's gone down to 150 from 185. What's WITH my flipping hormones? I know the level is still seriously high, but WHY is my body going in the wrong direction?!! <br /><br />I'm guessing if there was an embryo issue the embryo would show signs of flagging. This is my body playing up. Work with me here, love!!<br /><br />I've got to go in for blood tests (Immunes and full blood count) tomorrow morning. If they can establish what's going on, I suppose they'll change my meds. <br /><br />This is keeping me on my toes. <br /><br />I'm still tired (exhausted) and on-and-off nauseous, so my body's doing something right. <br /><br />Let's see what tomorrow holds...Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-49786101348858365332010-02-12T20:41:00.003+00:002010-02-12T21:11:45.768+00:00AnniversariesI've spent the last couple of evenings catching up on Brothers and Sisters. Well, actually, sobbing in front of it.<br /><br />I love that show. Kitty's just been diagnosed and they're handling the news. I think the US are ahead of us so you may well know where it's all going. <br /><br />Anyway, I wonder if I would be so emotional if my hormones weren't raging. <br /><br />Wednesday's scan was fine. Embryo measuring 5.25mm. Not sure if it had grown massively or if it was just the dIfferent machine and different Doc. Whatever. Heart still beating and no more scans until next week. Prog.esterone is up too- highest yet, so also good news. <br /><br />This weekend marks the anniversary of our baby blessing when we took out little boy up in front of our synagogue community and thanked G-d for giving him to us. It was 14th February because that, in turn, marked exactly a year since our little boy was transferred to my safe care as an embryo. It's one of those memories that will stick in my head forever. <br /><br />I've a whole raft of those now, good and bad - the phone call telling us that Mr G's fertility was severely impaired, the moment each cycle turned out to be a BFN, the phone call telling us that I was (after cycle 5) pg, Mr G's reaction as he heard me hearing our news, B's first kick in my tummy and the first time Mr G felt one of those kicks, the moment i held B in my arms for the first time and looked him in the eye. Just a few of the moments that have made me feel so good or so bad that they're ingrained in my head. <br /><br />I've started building them again with this little one, but am too scared at this stage to think too much about it. They'll still be there if this little one isn't here to stay with us, but I don't know yet whether they'll be happy or bittersweet. <br /><br />Tonight my priority is B who has a stinker of a cold. Poor little thing is so bunged up and has a terrible cough. I hate not being able to help him - he sounds so pitiful crying in his cot. <br /><br />I've been cooking today for a bed bound ex-neighbour of Mr G's who has asked if I could bring her some food. Steak and kidney pie (filling done in my slow cooker) and a Chicken Cacciatore. She has no teeth and asked that I cook the meat to melting softness. The slow cooker did a grand job of the steak and kidney and I did the chicken on a low heat in the oven and it's literally falling off the bone. I hope that she likes it. We're going to take B up there to (hopefully) put a smile on her face - just so long as his cold's a bit better. <br /><br />Next scan Monday...Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-51096400199050702672010-02-08T17:46:00.003+00:002010-02-08T17:52:58.259+00:00UpdateThe clinic rang with today's results. <br /><br />HCG up to 15,684 - that's just over double in the 72 hours since last test. Progesterone is up to 163. <br /><br />Head Doc thinks no need for IVI.g just yet but i'm back in on Wed for another scan to see how the little one's doing. <br /><br />Feeling a little more like this could go the right way. <br /><br />xxPortia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-84390149550800672252010-02-08T13:55:00.003+00:002010-02-08T14:20:08.742+00:00An interesting morning...A ver-reee interesting morning indeed.<br /><br />Us 3 went to the clinic and, as usual we had a long wait for the scan. I felt extremely awkward in a room full of women in treatment and couples there for a "teach" session with B trotting around exclaiming "mummy", "car" and "ra, ra" at random intervals. Wind back <a href="http://desperatetomultiply.blogspot.com/2008/02/just-waiting.html">2 years</a> (when i was nearing the end of the cycle that brought me B) and had anyone told me i'd be there with my child one day, i'd have laughed in their face. <br /><br />Anyway, eventually, we were called upstairs. The receptionist said we'd go straight in but whoever got called up with us did a real sly one and sneaked in ahead of us. There are some things you just don't do - and that's really not playing the game. <br /><br />Unaware of this, we waited several minutes - probably 10 - outside the door, and, with B getting less and less enamoured of his day trip to a London IV.F clinic (well, return home really) I decided to knock. I opened and saw a Dr and patient (Miss Sly Fox herself) and apologised. What i did clock is that i'd seen that Doc before. <br /><br />"Goodness!" i said to Mr G "I think the Dr in there is Dr Doom" (not his name, although it might as well have been). Dr Doom was the head honcho from the clinic who told us to give up back in <a href="http://desperatetomultiply.blogspot.com/2007/12/worst-news-possible.html">December 2007</a>. The man who damn near broke my heart. <br /><br />Cut a long story short, when we got in there he introduced himself and it WAS!! I told him, the last time we saw you, you told us we'd never be successful and that you wouldn't treat us any more. We came here and this - gesturing at my little boy - is the result. I've dreamed of telling that man he was wrong and here was my moment. Bizarre. <br /><br />He has been working for my top Doc for a year now. He said he wanted to do what the top Doc is doing and to learn from him! Mad. <br /><br />Anyway, cut to the chase - because I know you'll be waiting for this. The scan showed a sac, foetal pole and tiny little heartbeat. Measurement was 4.6mm. All good. <br /><br />Dr Doom had no idea of where I was at in my treatment - he'd even asked me when I walked in where I was in my cycle(!!!!) I had to tell him what was going on and what drugs I was on. That threw me somewhat and I didn't think to ask about my slow rising levels and up and down progesterone until I was leaving. He said the HCG should be doubling every 2 days - which didn't help my nerves about this - and that the progesterone falling was not good. Great. So, i've a heartbeat - which, to be honest, I couldn't really see, but Mr G says he could - but still a fear of falling. <br /><br />More bloods were taken today and i've left a message with the clinic asking them to ask the top Doc whether or not IVI.g would help and if the different steroid this time makes a difference. <br /><br />I'm extremely relieved to see someone in there, but for now, still concerned and, this afternoon, pretty symptomless. : (Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-82616335841932674942010-02-06T20:48:00.002+00:002010-02-06T21:04:57.387+00:005wks5daysAt times like this, my internet use shoots up. Nothing is more comforting (or, at times, unnerving) than a good trawl. Message boards, quack sites and blogs are all useful fodder. Although, after several years of freaking myself out, i've learned (sort of) when to switch off. It's a hard habit to break though. <br /><br />My HCG went up to 7105 on Friday. The clinic didn't call until after 6pm, which was stressful in itself. Prog was up to 169, so heading back in the right direction. The numbers hadn't doubled - or even close, but my helpful graph said the increase from start to now was 'adequate'. As there's precisely zero I can do about any of this, i've just got to go with it. <br /><br />The nurse - who wasn't overly confident and who is, I suspect, quite new to the job - agreed the rate had slowed down but said the top doc wasn't worried. He'd ordered me to stick with my meds and come in for a scan on Monday or Tuesday. No more bloods til then. <br /><br />Monday OR Tuesday..... Eeeeeeerm, let me see. Monday or Tuesday? Like there's a choice!!!! I'm booked in for 9am Monday morning, when Mr G, B and I (no one to sit for us) will be waiting to hear what's happening in there. I'm in a strange place because of those numbers, but like Betty M said, perhaps the continual testing is counterproductive. <br /><br />Symptom-wise, i've had on and off nausea (particularly in the morning but lots of the day), dragging tiredness and a bit of edginess. There's the odd cramp too. <br /><br />I'm convinced now that B was one of two. Those numbers were SO high. Of course that means that his co-embie disappeared at some point which THEN means i'm more anxious i've only the one embie in there to lose! Too much thinking. So, i prefer to read other people's stories and take my mind of my own. <br /><br />Two more sleeps and we MAY have an idea what's what. Obviously with these numbers and at only 6 weeks there's every chance it'll be too early for a heartbeat. We'll cross that bridge as and when.Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-17652722121971513862010-02-03T21:41:00.004+00:002010-02-03T22:05:29.999+00:00Just a quick one as it's late...i've worked tonight and am working tomorrow so must get to bed. <br /><br />Monday's beta was not quite double at 2359 and today's was again, almost but not quite double at 4584. As they are consistent and when plugged into a clever graph on babymed.com which i tried to link up but which hasn't worked. <br /><br />The slight concern I have is that my progesterone is falling. 175 then 161 and today, 131. The nurses tell me not to be concerned but, obviously, I am. Not sure what to take from that. I'm busily shooting up with Gest.one but it's an uphill battle. <br /><br />Aside from that I'm doing ok. I must think to myself "Oh my goodness, I'm pregna.nt!" about,errrrrm, 20,000 times a day. <br /><br />It's SUCH a novelty. I know i've done it before, but this is somehow different. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because i'm the luckiest girl in the world to have my little boy and i'm not sure i've any more luck due. (I so hope I am) I'm well aware this could vanish in a heartbeat - or lack of one - but for now, i'm allowing myself moments of enjoying the thought that, like normal fertile folk, i've got a little boy and a potential second one in my belly. I can't quite believe it but also can't quite let myself go with it as that'd open me up to the huge fall if (when?) this goes south. <br /><br />I've met a new IF friend. We kept bumping into each other at the clinic and clicked right away. I was with B and, embarrassed and sensitive to being the lady with a baby at the IF clinic felt the need to announce he was the result of my 5th IV.F AND at that clinic. <br /><br />She was on her 5th IV.F and had, for the first time got a decentish beta. However, her scores were at times not doubling and weren't huge. Sadly, her pregnancy turned out to be ectopic. I so felt for her and wanted to let her have my number to talk but felt odd about it. I happened to stalk her out from her messages on an IF message board site and she got back to me straight away. We've become friendly and she was able to lend me some drugs yesterday when my pharmacy let me down. She even offered to drive them round at 10pm. I didn't take her up on that but popped over to see her today and met her Mum. She's a sweetie and i'm immensely grateful that people like her are about. I hate IF but it's amazing how there's a camaraderie in all being in this together. I'm sure she'll get there, she's SO close. <br /><br />Better get to bed now. <br /><br />Thanks to those that have popped by to congratulate. <br /><br />xxPortia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-67941170729460820202010-01-30T14:43:00.002+00:002010-01-30T15:07:58.897+00:00Still holding my breathJust heard from the clinic and we're now up to 1340. That embryo is motoring.<br /><br />My progesterone is a mood (un)enhancing, husband snapping, nerve fraying 173. We're really feeling that one - or at least Mr G is. Not that he's being noble about it. He just keeps telling me how highly strung I am and that i need to calm down. I KNOW THAT!!!!! (Said in shouty voice) Not that easy when you're pumping syringes full of chemically induced hormonal angst into your butt muscles every night. I wonder if normal pg women are terrorists?<br /><br />Never mind, it's all in a good cause. The best cause. <br /><br />It's bitterly cold again and there was a thin layer of snow out there when i left for today's beta. They didn't tell us that was coming. It melted in Central Lon.don when the sun actually came out today. Long may that continue. <br /><br />I'm writing a piece for a restaurant mag and struggling to concentrate. I've visited 2 cafes in the last couple of days that i'd like to write about - one excellent one in Hampst.ead - <a href="http://gingerandwhite.com/#/home/4534559027">Ginger & White</a> and a second, in Maryleb.one, which was also worth a return visit - mostly for the ice cream bar part of it, called Cocorino. Whilst i've enjoyed gorging myself on cranberry granola, porridge, oreo cupcakes and red velvet cupcakes, banana caramel cake and olive bread, i've still not really got it nailed and have a deadline looming. My brain has been a bit (entirely) ambushed by this embryo. I need to find a bit of focus.<br /><br />B started swimming lessons yesterday. We both went and Mr G went in. I should have vanished, because my screaming son only wanted me. I ended up borrowing a swimsuit and going in to hold him. Once he'd seen other babies enjoying themselves and worked out it could be fun in there he released his clamped arms and legs from around me and started to actually enjoy himself. I backed off so Mr G could do the Daddy thang as planned and they had a great time splashing around. He was enjoying it so much that when it was time to give back the float to the teacher he just said "na" and snatched it away from her. He was so happy on our drive home - I hope next week starts where we left off...<br /><br />Next beta is on Monday. We're catching up with B's scores, but still only about half of what they were last time. Main thing is that it's moving.Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-2978634565915116802010-01-28T14:54:00.004+00:002010-01-28T18:05:43.248+00:00Today's scoresThis morning's HCG (15dp3dt) was 495. More than double Tuesday's score. Funnily enough, i'm feeling less pg than ever.<br /><br />I get the odd moment of nausea or light headedness and the tiredness, but it's so early, there's a lot of disturbingly normal time.<br /><br />That said, this little embryo does seem to be hanging on in there. (I hate even saying it just in case i jinx anything!)<br /><br />I'm exhausted. It's partly my body feeling tired but more because of my own anxiety and B's continued early wake ups. I can usually doze when he wakes at 5 something in the morning and starts trotting out his vocabulary of about 10 words. Well, he mostly says "Daddy" and "Car" with the odd "Mama" to make me feel better. At the moment, i'm up as soon as he is and up we both stay. Both of us in our own beds. Me silent. Him increasingly noisy until it reaches a fever pitch of "come and get me" wails and Mr G goes in to get B up.<br /><br />I'm still awaiting my instructions from the clinic for today (at 6pm!) but imagine it'll be a blood test on Saturday morning. <br /><br />I'll post again when i've got more to say. Feeling a bit monosyllabic today.<br /><br />Oh - went to work last night which was full-on but fun. Taught apple tarts with creme anglais and spinach, bacon and mango salad. A new group of demanding beginners but i'm sure they'll improve. I had to 'fess up to my colleague what's going on for me as I need to avoid heavy lifting just for now. She told me she did years of IVF and then adopted. IF truly is all around.Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36406024.post-85779735998224765082010-01-26T17:52:00.004+00:002010-01-26T18:11:00.092+00:00Movin' on up ......to 195 today. <br /><br />Not double, but then it's only 24 hours. I'll be back in on Thursday for another blood let. <br /><br />I still have a niggling worry about these numbers compared to B's. He doubled in 24 hrs from 330 to 660 AND my progesterone was double what it is now. I KNOW every pregnancy is different, but i'd feel a whole lot better if this little one could catch up even a little. Perhaps it's my nature to fret and I should shut up and enjoy but I do feel that this is all a bit too good. <br /><br />I'm feeling super tired and on-and-off nauseous and really suffering strong smells. Had a sleep earlier which has helped.<br /><br />This is all so weird - i feel i'm in a halfway sort of a place. I'd forgotten how stressful this first few weeks is. I'll just try to immerse myself in B stuff. I don't want him to have a distracted mother because of all of this.<br /><br />I can't quite believe i'm pregnant. <br /><br />I called my mum and stepdad, who've been in Australia with my brother since early December. I hadn't told them we were doing the FET - no sense in having her worry and spoil her trip. She was gob smacked. I woke them up early and when my stepdad asked what was going on she said "Portia's pg". That sounded SO strange and 'out there'. It was a wonderful moment though to have told her like that. Something i've dreamed of.<br /><br />Please let this little bundle make it to real, live, babyhood.Portia Phttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08344574775614817555noreply@blogger.com2