Am I a horrible person....

...or was I?

I found out today that one of my London IVF buddies has again failed - 5th time around. I'm truly, truly gutted. I so wanted it to work for her and her hubbie this time. It's just so unfair! She's had a previous BFP but it ended in a miscarriage with one in her uterus and a second ectopic embryo that they didn't find until she was in major pain. If she's managed one BFP surely she can do it again?! I've told her to go home, have a big drink and be good to herself this weekend. She's going to go for a FET in August, so there's some hope but really...it sucks.

It all seems so random. Just luck really.

I hate to admit this - and I almost deleted this post because i'm ashamed of myself - but when I first started out - and don't hate me for this - I think I was scared of other people getting a BFP. I didn't wish failure on them, but was sort of relieved when they got a BFN. I didn't have to pretend to be happy whilst thinking "what about me". I can't justify it nor would I want to, but the only way I think i can understand my nastiness was perhaps a (subconscious) feeling that (statistically) there was limited luck to be had and if they failed maybe I wouldn't. I hated that about myself, but it was just sort of there.

I'm so relieved that now (thank goodness) those nasty feelings have vanished. I now genuinely, genuinely want all of us to succeed. I was almost as upset as my friend today. It's like it happened to me. Perhaps I'm a bit pre-menstrual and pre-cycle but I still really felt it. I need some cheerleaders for success in my life to prove this works. Of course there's the online girlies but somehow, knowing someone and seeing it with my own eyes would help.

Anyway, that was just a short confessional. Mea culpa. I've got to go and do my Preparation for IVF Hypnotherapy CD. It's really relaxing. It's from a company called Natal Hynotherapy. I really recommend them for a listen. We'll have to see how well the CD works...

I'm off to the party from hell tomorrow. 40 adults....and their children. I'd rather chop off my hand - with my own chef's knife. If I wasn't taking food to help out the party thrower - an old friend but recent(ish) new mum with zero sensitivity to my IF - i'd cry off. I'll drop off the food and stick around a v short time and then go home and lick my wounds! All those smug babied-up folk. I MUCH prefer mixing with the childless or at the very least those with kids old enough to have left home!

Oddly, i've had real trouble with the food i'm making. My brownies are like rocks and the choc chip cheesecake has broken in half. I'm doing new brownies tonight and i've managed to stick the cake together and ice it so you'd never know. Here's the cake on my kitchen table:



I'm sure that if I cook without love for my intended recipients then that's when my recipes fail. Maybe you put so much love into food, if it's not there then the food isn't so great. I've also made 4 Goat's Cheese, black olive and caramelised onion tarts. Here's one - sorry it's just wrapped in foil ready to transport:




and a huge persian couscous salad.



Easiest salad in the world - and gorgeous. Have a great weekend all you girls (and boys) who are almost certainly nicer than me!

xx

Another drug delivery

The doorbuzzer went at 7.30am and I took delivery of our third consignment of IVF drugs. It was actually a bit cheaper this time - only £735(!) - because of the few bits left over from the last cycle. I have so much Cyclogest (Progesterone bullets) I almost didn't need any more at all. I'm also picking up bits of leftover drugs from the gorgeous and very kind girls who've crossed the border to Pregville.

The last two times i felt excited when the drugs arrived and I could unpack them into my fridge/bathroom. This time I just felt low. How many more times will I do this?

At breakfast I started the last sheet of my folic acid tablets. I bought a bumper (3 for 2 deal) supply and its nearly all gone. I remember buying my first pot. I think I also bought 3 for 2 and wondered if i'd need them all....that was nearly two years ago.

I bought Mr G another huge pot of his "VitaMens" yesterday at my acupuncture appointment. I wonder how much we've spent on pills, potions, alternative therapies, blood tests and other fertitlity related stuff, not to mention the £15,000 ish we've already spent on treatment.

We're both a little weary of all of this. Part of me wonders if it's all worth it but (at the moment) a larger part of me doesn't want to give it up. What if this is the time it actually works for us? I can't imagine jumping off the wagon unless i'm pushed.

I've had a quick read of some of your blogs. Forever Hopeful and Reality seem to be in a similar place to me. Feeling the pressure. I think i'll keep Forever Hopeful's 14 June account of life with IF to show my friends how this feels. She got it spot on.

We've just got to keep going and hope that we get lucky. I seem to be a lucky charm for others. Every time I cycle wtih someone they get pregnant! Heather at Desperately Seeking Baby - who I did my first cycle with - safely delivered her twins a week or so ago - lovely news. My cycle buddy in my Mind body group is also now 15 weeks pregnant. I just hope my time comes.

...........................................................................................................................................................................................


On a less negative note, I had a great work week last week. I catered a canape party for 24, 21 yr old girls. My sushi, mini frittata, thai chicken salad in cucumber cups, mini cheese and herb samosas, pizza palmiers, mini moroccan meat balls, mini salmon and dill tarts, babaganoush and crudites went down a storm.

I also did a dinner party for 16. Canapes, veg tagine, with couscous, harissa dressing and paprika, lemon and cumin chicken skewers followed by home made cinnamon ice cream and spiced fruit salad with shortbread biscuits. I was on my feet for 4 solid days and by half past midnight on Saturday night had feet that were SO sore! I had an image of throbbing - you know like they do on old Tom and Jerry cartoons when they've been hit by a big hammer of something. I felt so good though - everyone loved the food and I felt it had all been worth it.

My lovely Mummy came and cooked with me all day Thursday. Just as well, as I took a call from the NHS tall thin Dr to tell me my FSH has gone up EVEN FURTHER! Darn, darn, darn! I'd hoped the 11. 8 was a blip but the 12.6 new score just underlined the march of time. I stayed cool and then lost it and had a big cry and a Mummy hug. Bless her. She can't make it better, but nothing beats a Mummy hug and a kiss.

I've sent for DHEA - ordered by a friend from the US - just in case this treatment isn't the one. I'll take it for 3 months before the next treatment IF I NEED TO! Thanks all of you for sharing DHEA info. V Useful.

I'll be starting my cycle any day soon. I'm on day 23 of my cycle and generally go 24 - 28 days. So, within the week i'll be back on the wagon of hope. WIll be interesting to see how I do on the short (flare) protocol....

Good luck to all cycling now xx

Hope for us ageing wannabee mums?

Two potential miracle fixes to extend or increase women's eggs have come to my attention recently.

First - DHEA. A hormone - I believe - that two of my MindBody group have been recommended to take by their Dr's. It's only available in the US but from what i've been told, helps increase the number of eggs a woman is able to produce during an IVF cycle. Both my friends have rushed off to buy it. It takes 3 or 4 months to kick in apparently, but should do wonders for a girl's egg tally.

Here's the address of a story on that one - http://www.sciencentral.com/articles/view.php3?type=article&article_id=218392379 Wish I could do a link but not a hope!


Second report to catch my eye was all over the papers here today. I'd rushed in to the supermarket to buy ingredients for tonight's lesson (more on that later) and had caught an IVF headline. I was forced to bring my trolley to a screeching halt at the newspaper bins and leaf through the paper in question.

There is, apparently, a new miracle protein which it is hoped will extend the life of a girl's eggs. The bad news - and this is the fact that made my heart sink today. We lose 2 eggs AN HOUR!! After reading this horrific news it was as much as I coudl do not to go rushing off to my IVF Doc and beg him to get me treated within the next hour so I don't lose two more blasted eggs.

here's another address to cut and paste http://blog.t1production.com/

Why are we so unmatched with our men. Apparently in the same hour my eggs are perishing, my husband's sperm (with their lazy tails) are multiplying at a rate of 150,000!! What's that all about???!!!!

Anyway, must get on with some work now. Taught two Aussie girls how to make Cumin Flatbread, Fattoush ( a Middle Eastern salad) and Prosciutto wrapped lemon Chicken, Focaccia and Sage brochettes tonight. They loved it and all recipes worked beautifully. I love it when a lesson works! No pics of that food, but here's a pic of the Naan bread I made with them a couple of weeks ago. Pics of the risen dough, rolled out bread and baked bread:



Tomorrow i'm shopping and cooking for a canape party for 21 which is happening on Thursday. Things are getting quite busy for me. Good to take my mind off IVF - some of the time - but hopefully not so busy I get stressed and my treatment suffers.

I might be forced to order some DHEA - does anyone else know anything about it?

xx

ps: Just read about Krista on My Reality's site. What's it all about that those of us fortunate enough to get through this nightmare of infertilty aren't just allowed just to enjoy their babies? My thoughts and prayers are with her - I can't imagine how she and her family must feel.

Return from Tuscany

Seems ages since I posted. I meant to last week, but I had a mad busy few days. It was a Bank holiday on the Monday then I had 2 frantic days of getting things done (that could have been done over the long weekend) and then we left for our long weekend in Italy first thing on the Thursday (30th May).

It seemed that the whole of London was off to Europe out of Stansted Airport last Thursday. It was crazy. We had a 6.30am flight and arrived at the airport at 5.15ish - having got up at 3.50am. We were amazed at the long queues everywhere. Why were so many people up at that time of day?! After a 15 minute line to check in. We waited in another line for 45 minutes to get through security and then had to run to be the last people on the plane! No time for books or magazines, just a dash past Pret a Manger for water and croissants. I was so stressed and fed up from being deprived of my airport shopping time. The pile of magazines and dawdle through the lotions, potions and smellies of the Duty Free shop are part of my holiday experience!

We flew to Pisa (home of leaning tower), hired a car and drove north to a small village called Santa Maria del Guidice - close to Lucca. Our hotel, the Villa Rinascimento was cheap and cheerful. Clean and picturesque but nothing smart. The views from our room were gorgeous. Here's a pic of part of the hotel from their website. We didn't see it with the blue sky background unfortunately!



We were there for my cousin's wedding. Her mother and father have moved out there to a house on a really remote hillside north of Lucca. We spent Friday with my mother and father and auntie and uncle - not the parents of the bride, another auntie and uncle - eating in an Italian restaurant and then chilling out in their garden. The weather was atrocious. Lots of grey clouds and even thunder storms! I was v grumpy about the clouds, but at least we had my folks to entertain us.

The wedding took place on the Saturday and was the MOST romantic wedding i've been too - since ours that is! As my cousin walked into the room (looking beautiful - as all brides do - her husband to be had tears pouring down his face. Mr G and I both lost it and were dabbing our eyes with tissues. They had a civil ceremony - she's Jewish and he's christian - with lots of lovely poems (one that we'd read at our wedding funnily enough) and two of their friends even sang a song.

After the ceremony there was a huge buffet laden wtih gorgeous Italian goodies - cheeses with orange chutney and honey to drizzle over it, salamis, lovely breads and smoked fish and seafood salad. We drank Prosecco and juices. After about an hour or so of chatting we were asked to stop for a group photo and then to walk over to the barn in which we ate dinner.


The garden in front of it was decorated with loads of terracotta tubs filled with blazing candles. The tables had gorgeous white flowers and loads of candles and the air smelt of the lemons that normally live in that building - which is called Limanaia (sp?). We sat there and ate more - an Italian feast of pasta, seabass cooked in a parcel and beef cooked on the bar-b-q outside. Here's a pic of it. Again - taken from a website as Mr G has the pics on his computer, but a good image:



After dinner and after an amazing cake, the groom played his saxaphone with a blues brothers type band and we danced and drank until midnight. Apart from the cold it was a really lovely and very special and happy evening. Amazingly, the rain held off for them - at least whenever we were outside.

The next day all guests were asked to the bride's parents for food and drink in their garden. The sun shone for the first time that weekend and it was gorgeous. They have a pizza oven in their garden and we ate freshly cooked pizza made in it!

After all the festivities we spent a few hours - just the two of us - at our hotel and then eating dinner. First thing the next morning we flew home.

It really was lovely wedding but I spent much of it feeling a bit distant. It seems that i'm not able to relax and enjoy myself at the moment. I seem to be feeling worse and worse about our IF status and our failure so far to get anywhere close to a pregnancy. People are v sweet to us but perhaps we shouldn't have told so many of them as we've become the IVF couple. Still, can't take it back now and it's nice to have the support of others.

I think I picked the wrong book to read whilst I was there - a book by Tony Parsons called "In the Family Way". It's a good read but focusses totally on three sisters and their trials and tribulations with reproducing. Easy enough for two of the sisters (one has a first time IVF success) but impossible for her sister - the one who so desperately wanted to be a mum. Even she gets pregnant in the end - after having adopted a little Chinese girl. I don't think I gave myself time off from it all.

On the plane home I had a quick cry. A packed Ryanair flight was not a great place for tears but those moments seem to steal up on me without warning.

I'm so tired of smiling and being brave about this. I just want it all to be all right. I held off from posting because I don't want always to seem so miserable, but I can't hold off forever. I'm sure these blues will pass...

Two more of my MindBody group have had BFN's. So far only 2 of the 10 of us have cleared the first hurdle of a BFP. I so hope we all get there and beyond to a healthy, fat baby each.

Off to do some work now. Picnic hampers to write about and catering to do! At least the sun's out here and i'm going to give myself an hour off later to enjoy it.

xx

more good news...not...

I'm not even cycling and i've had a really up and down sort of a week.

My NHS cycle monitoring reached day 21 (whoo hoo) and off I trotted to the blood letting dept to offer them my vein - not before i'd had a quick lie down on the scanning couch so they could have a good look inside at my post-ovulation uterus. The blood letting was particularly good - the lady who did it cause me absolutely NO PAIN at all - and it would have been an uneventful experience but for one thing.

As I rose clumsily from the scanning couch, holding a white sheet around my dignity and feeling proud to have such perfectly formed and well functioning ovaries, the very lovely and extremely tall lady Dr threw rain on my parade when she asked me to repeat my day 2 FSH test. When I asked why, and she told me that the first test had come in at 11.8 (ELEVEN POINT FRI**ING EIGHT!!!) and at the upper end of normal. It was only 7.6 not so long ago! I left the room in a state of shock and immediately called Mr G. He, sensing looming hysteria, told me to come home - where he was working that morning - and we'd talk.

I spent the rest of the day and much of the next in an "I'm too old to have a baby" funk. All the information shouts "Low Ovarian Reserve" for an FSH at that level. Where have all my eggies gone?!! I sort of knew this was coming, but I really didn't want to hear it in such a black and white way. I'm starting to feel like this:



...except I don't have a frog to wear on my shoulder

I had Mr G speak to our private specialist - Big Hair - to tell him the new scores and to ask what he thought. (For the record, it's best to have these conversations directly for yourself as men and women always hear different things when having a fertility chat with their specialist. I hear "your eggs will all be off in minutes" whilst Mr G finds the words that say "you're still in with a chance there guys")

So Big Hair's chat made Mr G more keen that he and I start our next cycle asap. Like next week. That sent me into an even worse panic of "i'm not ready and I can't cycle in this stressed out state or it'll never work!". After some discussions and another call to Big Hair (by me) I decided to hold for a month. I'll be cycling in the 3rd week of June (flare protocol) as planned. In between, i'll do lots of FSH lowering things like keeping calm, drinking water, sticking to my coffee free regime, and other gems from Zita West's babymaking bible.

Today, we saw the very tall Dr again. She assured me that i'm in good working order and not to be too influenced by the 11.8 FSH score. It's when it gets to 15 that we really need to worry....

Otherwise, not much to report. Lots of juicy catering jobs coming in - canapes for 24 and a Moroccan dinner party for 20. Looking forward to those and to the lovely long Bank Holiday weekend. Going to get some cooking in - need to come up with a nice vegetable tagine recipe for the Moroccan job and to practice my sushi (maki rolls) for the canape job. Mr G should eat well. I'm also getting a picnic hamper delivered that I need to review - it's a tough job....

Thanks for all the advie from my last post on the protocols. Thanks Thalia for your kind offer - i'd love to take you up on it and i'll e mail you to sort out collection.

Good luck to Becks at One Miracle Needed in her 2WW and to Larissa at The Waiting Womb in her early BFP days. I really tried to set up a link to them but ran out of time to mess around any more....

xx

what's with all the babies?

I have had just about the MOST number of babies and pregnancies in my world this week - none of them mine...obviously!!

1. On Tuesday my lovely friend (who's had a terrible time with her fertility) had a little girl - Anastacia (gorgeous name).
2. Then another good friend - who I really didn't expect to be ready for babies just yet, told me she's 20 weeks pregnant.
3. Yesterday, close friends of Mr G - a lovely couple - had son number 2.
4. And last night, I found out from a v close friend that one of our mutual friends is due in August and hadn't yet told me! We haven't spoken in a while and I guess she's just a bit scared now to do the deed.
5. Today I had yet more pregnancy news - a friend of a friend pregnant with her third!

Add to all of that, my sis-in-law and 2007 will be another babytastic year! I thought last year was bad enough, when three of my closest friends had babies in 3 months of each other, but perhaps that's just how life will be now. Hope some baby dust rubs off on me!

I was grumpy and angry and then thought I must reframe this or i'll go crazy. I'm now trying to think of it as good, because when I get pregnant i'll have lots of friends with little ones and they won't all be on to toddler or school age stage... I'm really trying to keep it positive.

Second thing to report is yesterday's visit to our specialist - Mr Big Hair. He thought he'd take advantage of Monday's HSG to see if he could get into my cervix any more easily. He kept us waiting 45 minutes (and Mr G - heavy with man flu and v grumpy) was really cross. By the time we got in there my bladder - full for the mock transfer - was BURSTING!

I stripped off my jeans and underwear and climbed up on the couch - I've lost count of the number of different people i've done that for this month. And no, don't be getting the wrong idea - it's all above board, in the interests of fertility treatment!

Anyway, Big Hair scanned me with his state of the art scanning wand and mapped out a cm by cm route in. He then got on with the mock and wadderyaknow - straight in there with the soft catheter, no probs at all! He almost punched the air and shouted "Yessssss!'. It was very funny and actually quite exciting. I almost felt as elated as if i was actually pregnant - i know that sounds odd, but we've perhaps crossed another hurdle. Another move up on the roller coaster ride.

BIg Hair also agreed that I could do the short (flare) protocol if I want. He says he prefers the longer one, but if I feel strongly, he thinks the results are much the same. To me, it seems a no brainer....why do a 4/5 week protocol which you only start on day 21 of your cycle when you can do a 2 week one that starts on day 2? I could be having my next treatment in about a week when my period comes! Big Hair said to go away and think about it. Mr G and I will decide over the weekend.

I don't want to go with the short protocol if it's going to give me less chance of success, but i'd love not to have to do the down reg again - i HATE that stage. I'm all of a tizzy with indecision...Does anyone know anything about whether the short protocol is less succesful?

xx

Tagged

Here goes with a few little "I am's" about me:

I AM lucky to be in love with and married to a wonderful kind, sweet and thoughtful man who is making this journey through the world of needles and scans far easier

I AM a smitten, doting Auntie to two gorgeous red haired children down in Sydney and I don't get to kiss them nearly enough. Here's a pic of my niece when she was a bridesmaid at my wedding last year


I AM eternally grateful for the chance I had to change my career from law to something I really love - cooking! Every day's like a holiday!

I AM never going to be happy with my weight and that's almost certainly because I AM such a greedyguts - I love my food so much and I eat for a living!

I AM so very ready to be a mother...but can't ever really imagine myself with that baby in my arms.



I AM the owner of a gorgeous Mini cooper and nothing makes me happier than driving up the motorway on a sunny day singing my heart out! (Pic's of another Mini - not mine, but mine's similar and - I hate to admit - called Ruby. Yes, i've named my car....)

I AM in need of a bedtime book - since I finished my last one I just haven't found one I want to read

I AM going to 2 weddings this year and I'm looking forward to both of them - they're such happy days. I'd love to do mine all over again! (The pic's not me and Mr G - we're shorter, rounder and got married in Central London!)
I AM writing about my trials and tribulations in the world of infertility for a newspaper but I write a whole lot more in my blog as that's my private place.

I AM severely in need of time in "blogschool" - as i'm of an age that didn't learn much about computers at school, i'm totally rubbish at the techy stuff - I can't do links to other blogs in my text, and - as the sad alignment of my photos shows - whilst i can get pics on the screen but can't move them!

I AM surrounded by lovely friends who care but don't quite "get" what infertility is like, so the support I get from you blogger girlies is the best - thank you all !

xxx

There seems a shortage of people to tag. Anyone i read has been tagged already. I'll do a little surfing and throw out some tags tomorrow should I find any untagged victim

Just to set the record straight...

...i'm not waiting 6 months until my next cycle. No way!!! I think i've not made it very clear especially for you girlies overseas and the system here in the UK is pretty mad.

The nhs cycle will be state funded but the huge waiting lists mean huge waiting times. As i'm racing towards 40, I can't afford to wait for them to treat me. Sooooooooooo, whilst I do all the tests and creep up the list, i'm fitting in cycles at our (very expensive) private clinic in the hope that by the time I get there i won't need it anyway. If I still do need that cycle, it'll save us several thousands of pounds which i'm sure we'll be running out of by then.

I'm planning on starting my next cycle next month. AF's due in about 10 days. We'll do a Day 2 FSH test to check it's a good month and then get started with the down reg in mid June.

I've been tagged by Babyblues (thanks for thinking of me, my dear) but haven't time to do it justice now as have to make this a short post. I'm running late as I spent all morning making platters of "gourmet" sandwiches for Mr G to use at a meeting tonight. Two sorts of wraps - Goats cheese, onion marmalade and rocket and Parma ham, avo, spinach and sun dried tomato wraps and mini bagels with smoked trout and lemon and chive cream cheese.

I'll be back tomorrow with a full entry -v excited to be tagged xx

ps: spoke to Dr Big Hair - our specialist - yesterday. He'd like to try a mock transfer this week to see if this week's HSG has dilated my teeny, tiny Oss. I really hope its done the trick... At least we'll have something to go on for the next go.

pps: went to the second charity ball last night. Wasn't in the mood after the HSG but had a good time. Only thing was that we were sharing our table with a really, really overexcitedly smug pregnant girl. She's a minor celebrity here - her name's Mylene Klass. She looked gorgeously trim and blooming and didn't STOP going on about her pregnancy. Grrrrr.

ppps: You may remember my friend who was my one close friend in infertility. She'd tried 5 years to conceive, had 5 miscarriages and 3 failed IVF's but then fell pg naturally. I was really pleased for her but GUTTED for a few days when she told me. Anyway, she's in labour right now. I found out her waters had broken yesterday and (when off the phone) I shed a tear or two. I can't wait for her to have her baby she so TOTALLY deserves it as she's one of the truly nicest people I know. Part of me is just a little bit sad though.

busy, busy, busy...doing v little

I can't believe its been a whole week since my last post! I've been so busy being prodded and poked the time has just flown!

I'm in the middle of my nhs cycle monitoring. Scans have told me that all is working fine. I've one more blood test and scan on day 21 of this cycle and then they can refer us for our state funded cycle. Its only taken a year to get this far. Apparently it'll take another 6 months to get to the to of their IVF list!

As part of that testing, I had an HSG this morning. I'd heard such bad things I was a bit worked up. It was actually fine! Well, because of my tight cervix there was a bit of faffing around to get the dye in. They had to put a balloon thing in and that part was a bit yucky, but only a bit crampy. The proper name for my biology is that i've got a "tiny oss". Oss is the name of the entrance to the cervix. Nice if I had a tiny ass too. Bit harder than changing an "o" to and "a" sadly. Anyway, once they were in, they found nothing at all to worry about. Tubes fine, uterus clear as a bell.

It's almost annoying to hear that all my bits are in such good working order. It's just so unfair that my boy's sperm don't want to play. Still, apart from the Oss, it should mean it's easier to make this darned IVF work.

We visited the top notch private clinic this week too. Just want a back up plan if this next cycle doesn't work. We thought them very good - they said our chances were good - 35%. I think we'll go there if we're not blessed next time.

Was thinking about the whole percentage chance thing. It's mad really. If someone asked me to bet £5k on a horse (for example) and the odds of it winning were 35%, i'd no way take the bet. That's effectively what we're doing here. Only difference is that if we win the bet, the reward is priceless. Still a bit mad. All or nothing.

Friday night's ball was lots of fun. We drank champagne and danced and just had a good time. Afterwards we went to the bar on the 28th floor of the London's Park Lane Hilton and drank champagne cocktails. It was so lovely. I felt v guilty the next day, but we deserve some fun in this life!

I'd bought "hold me in" pants for the night and they were rubbish. They kept riding up so that I was gagging to tug them out again, i'm not sure they held me in v much AND they gave me a tummy ache! Won't waste my money on them again.

Last thing - yesterday I met up with some of my Mind/Body group and went to a big flower and plant market in East London. Ibought some gorgeous lavender and other flowers to go in a lovely terracotta window box for outside my office window. I'll be able to smell lavender as I type. I'm getting to be such a gardener!

Good luck to all those cycling and congrats to Larissa at The Waiting Womb - who's had a BFP this week. xx

Bank Holiday gloom...

Why are bank holidays always gloomy and grey? We've had the best April for years which (global warming aside) has cheered things up no end. Bring on the May bank holiday and it's grey and rainy!

Mr G and I have really struggled this weekend with our grey and gloomy mood. It's so hard when both of us are feeling the IVF pain together. When only one of us is down the other can pull it back. Sometimes it ends up with a mood swap - so the down one is then up and the up one is down....stay with me on this! I've done lots of sobbing this weekend. I spent much of Saturday reappplying make up to sore red eyes and went to sleep last night with tears on my cheeks.

The inbetween cycle parts are the hardest to deal with. Powerless to do anything but be, and waiting to get back the high of being in treatment, you just dwell on the misery of the situation and worry if it'll every change. It's at these times I feel like giving it all up, but actually am too scared to give it up because then we'll never be 3.

I'm also really struggling not to eat like a hog. Every day starts with good intentions and ends in piles of cake or just feeling disappointed with my lack of will power. I've got to go to 2 black tie balls - next Friday and Monday, and, if I don't do something, i'll have nothing to wear as all my smart dresses are about a size too small at the moment. I think it's actually a bit late by now - perhaps fruit and veg for a week and some "hold-you-in" pants - well, "hold-you-in" wet suit perhaps!

I made supper for friends on Saturday. A pea, mint, avo and feta salad, then salmon roasted with home-made pesto and pecorino crust, herbed new potato cakes and spinach and then lemon parfait - made with home-made lemon curd - with summer berries and some home-made almond tuile biscuits. It was meant to be healthy, but we all felt so stuffed afterwards i'm sure it wasn't!

Enough moaning. A news story here in the UK has really upset us. A 3 yr old girl has been abducted whilst holidaying in Portugal with her family. The parents (both medical doctors) left her with her twin baby brother and sister sleeping in the apartment. They were eating dinner about 150yds away and checking each half hour. Someone broke in and stole the little girl from her bed!

What where they thinking?! The bit that has really struck us about this is that all 3 children were IVF babies. I can't imagine how anyone would feel losing a child like that, but how must you feel having gone through all of that to have a child and then lose her like that. They must be torn in pieces. How could the parents have just left their babies like that though? Easy to point out - but who knows what the situation was.

Here's a pic of little Maddie:



Please g-d they find her safe and well. Our thoughts and prayers are with that family.

A big first.....

Here's a pic of Mr G's birthday cake and dessert/cheese table. Tonight has been one huge step for Portia P but just a small step for blogging kind. A beast has been unleashed - can't wait to get busy with more pics!

xx

Friend audit....?

I wasn't going to blog today - i'm meant to be working (as ever) and am due to meet a friend tonight, but i suddently felt the need.

I've spoken to two friends today. Both blessed with three children and both have made flippant comments that I just had to bite my lip over. This morning's friend was moaning about her three year old and said something along the lines of "you don't really want this do you?". Hmmmm. The second heard how i've had quite a few working lunches and lunch with a FII (Friend In Infertility) this week and said you know you won't have time for all this socialising if you're successful in your treatment. I think that was born of her being totally snowed under by her brood.

Both comments made me feel a million miles away in terms of mindset from two girls who i've known since I was 10 yrs old. It makes me feel I need to mix with other childfree girls rather than my old girlfriends. I HATE what this S***ing infertility does to all aspects of life.

Vent over.

Had my first NHS screening appointment today to get referred to the IVF unit for NHS treatment. It was amazingly efficient. I didn't for a minute feel that they were less good because it was free. They scanned me and took blood to do Day 2 FSH and LH bloods. (BTW I got my period a couple of days ago which was a bit of a downer, but not really unexpected) I was in, scanned, bled and out in just under an hour. It can take that long at my v expensive private IVF clinic!

Must go. Going to see if I can post photos of the party food tomorrow. Am totally useless at technical stuff, but will do my best! xx

Phew

For the first time in several weeks, I can relax...a little.

My husband's the most spoilt man in the world. As well as dinner at a top London restaurant - Galvin at Window on the World (on the top floor of the London Hilton Park Lane) AND a night at the Hempel Hotel (v glam, trendy hotel in Baywsater) he also was a guest at his v own surprise party last night.

The secrecy has been killing me. He's so "busy" (that's nosey for those that don't know) that it's really hard to keep a secret. I'm pretty rubbish at secrets at the best of times. I've been so busy cooking, shopping, inviting and generally running around and have had to pretend to Mr G that i've just been lazing about! He thought I was being super idle - which i'm not generally so he did suspect something was up. I had to get him out of our flat for most of Saturday, so he knew i'd invited someone round. I'd told him i was doing a small dinner for him and a few friends.

Unbeknown to Mr G, I'd actually invited 30 or so of his closest friends round for drinks and eats. He's said in the past that it would be funny to have a room full of people all wearing those Groucho Marx comedy specs - with nose, big moustache and eyebrows. So, I'd bought 35 pairs and, last night at 8pm, he and his best friend (who i'd asked to babysit my boy for the day) came home find his favourite people in those comedy specs. It was joyful. He laughed so hard. It was so great to make him so happy on the birthday he really didn't want to celebrate. It was really hard work, but I got so much out of making him happy.

I cooked heaps of food - three sorts of canapes (mini thai fish cakes, pizza palmiers and tiny cheese and herb filo triangles) and a buffet of lemon chicken salad, caramelised onion and thyme tarts, persian herbed couscous, roasted tomato salad, leaf salad with mint, feta, asparagus and broad beans and home made mint and thyme soda bread rolls. We then ate homemade chocolate chip cheesecake as well as birthday cake and mixed berries. I really enjoyed focussing on something other than my empty uterus!

This week has been a festival of birthday celebrations. My stepdad was 65 this week too, and we went to The Waterside Inn in Bray (Michelin 3 star grub) to celebrate. It's a very formal (but friendly) French restaurant owned by Michel Roux. I won't bore you with the meal - which was absolutely gorgeous - and far more elegant than my efforts the previous night. The dining room is right next to the river and has beautiful views. We had our coffee outside on their deck overlooking the ducks, rowers and other river traffic. It was fantastic, but, if i'm honest, too expensive. I really don't think it's right to charge such HUGE prices for food. I know there's a lot of skill involved in producing it, but when you think of the mark-up....it's almost criminal.

Bray is a tiny village in Berkshire which has two top class restaurants - the one we ate at and Heston Blumental's restaurant called The Fat Duck. He's the chef who makes stuff like egg and bacon ice cream and snail porridge. I've not been there, but it's meant to the the top restaurant in the UK.

Enough foodie ramblings. The best thing about this week has been time off from infertility. I still clock every pregnant woman and tiny baby and have a fleeting moment of sadness, but at least it hasn't consumed me. Lesson learnt is to keep busy. WIll be very busy this week too with work missed last week whilst planning the party.

xx

ps: the rabbi's been back on the phone. Apparently I must ask for a blessing this time next week as it's a lucky date...

Displacement

I've a thousand things I should be doing, but i'm struggling with a restaurant review and i'd rather be talking to you.

Have had a busy few days so haven't really thought too much about our conundrum. Not a lot we can do anyway until I get my next period and have a better idea of when treatment dates are likely to fall. Am definitely giving it another month for the other appts and then probably going to go with Big Hair the next month. This may change if our interim consultation at the mother of all clinics gives us food for thought.

Something that happened at the weekend made me stop and think how lucky we are though. I was working (chef-ing) at a wedding and the husband of the girl I was working for - keeled over just before whilst they were loading up at home. He passed out but came around quickly. She insisted he go to hospital and dropped him there on her way to the job. She had to keep going as there were 150 guests to be fed. Halfway through service she came down to see us in tears - he apparently had 2 brain aneurisms (bleeding to you and me) and needed emergency open brain surgery. He's 30 something, in perfect health and had had no symptoms untl then. It makes you think - life can turn upside down in a second. It really threw me and i'm still really upset for them. She had to rush off and we finished the job - 2 chefs for 150 people - which was a bit mad.

Getting back to work and having something else to focus on has helped me get a bit of perspective. I'm still disappointed that I spend most of the time i'm out looking at children and pregnant women and thinking about my situation. I'd be 6 mths pg if my first IVF had worked. IF.... I'm gettting a little bitter and twisted and I don't like that at all. Obviously the previous paragraph's news hasn't affected my selfish self too much.

Things are brighter though - I'm enjoying teaching again too. Made up a gorgeous recipe for Thai Chicken Filo triangles which I taught to last night's pupil. They were delicious. Shame she had to take them all home.

Oh! Forgot to mention Sunday's MAD phone call. We write for a newspaper about our IVF. I think i'm giving too much away at this point, but i'm sure it's unlikely that anyone who reads this blog will be a reader of this paper. Anyway, we got an e mail from a reader asking us to call him. He turned out to be a devout rabbi who wants to help us in our plight. His suggestion was that we live by the Orthodox Jewish rules for a married couple - which involves abstaining at certain times of the month and then my visiting a ritual bath to cleanse me post period. He offered to come and visit to discuss the rules etc. I was standing in our garden listening to this (very kind) man wondering how my life became this IVF theme show. It gets madder each week.

Time to get on. It's Mr G's 40th birthday tomorrow and i've lots to do. Have still to buy him a gift and card but am taking him and our parents out for a posh lunch and then he and I are staying at a London hotel for one night. I'm more excited than him! I really want to make this birthday special because he so wanted for us to be expecting our baby by now and it hurts that we're so far away from it.

Thanks to those of you who've commented recently - i love reading them and knowing that someone out there is sharing this with me.

Oooooh 50!

Well aren't I getting old? Fifty whole posts already and i'm only 2 cycles in!

Saw the doc last night and am now in a quandary over what to do. We went there absolutely determined that we'd hear him out but that we're gonna move on. He's had a couple of go's and nothing much changed, so we're ready to try out another doc. BTW we've always referred to our doc as Dr Big Hair as he has the BEST head of thick hair. I'll continue calling him that now as i'm with friends.

Well, we arrive at the clinic and greet everyone - receptionist, nurses and the v sweet girl who runs the relaxation course I did there. We've started to feel unfortunately "at home" there. The only downer is that dreadful clinic smell that hits you as you go in. Otherwise, it's not like visiting mates.

Anyway, having kept us waiting for 30mins (as per usual) Big Hair, ushered into his office. He's SO lovely, we both feel like hugging him each time we see him. If he sorted us out with a baby I think we'd both marry him. He went through my last sorry cycle. He was pleased with everything. Good down reg (is down reg ever good?!), good steady growth of eggs in an average time. Apparently 13 - 18 days is the time you should get from starting stims to harvest and I managed 16. Gorgeous almost perfect embryos - again. So far so what on earth went wrong then?!! Well, apparently he thinks the sticking point is transfer. My cervix is not only tight but also a funny shape, so that they have to use a slighter firmer catheter when depositing our embryos inside. They'd rather use the soft one. He reckons that's where things are going wrong for us, or at least he'd like to try sorting that bit out.

Tight cervix indeed. I'm sure that'd be something to boast about once upon a time. Something to put on my dating CV, but now it's a darned nuisance. I asked if they can dilate it at all, but he said it would spring back - apparently the cervix is like a coiled spring...rather like my nerves...

He wants to do a hysteroscopy (run dye through the uterus to see what's going on in there) and a scan with his new super duper scanning machine (which is 3 D) and will show us my uterus in all its colourful glory. Mr G was actually excited about the machine. They were like 2 little boys with their new gadget...men...

He really wants a chance to try again and Mr G and I were swayed.

Now i'm not sure what to do. Risk a whole (v expensive) cycle on this or move on to a new start with another clinic. More tests, more getting used to somewhere and a new regime. We just don't know. The good news is that I can start as soon as I like. That's cool, but I think I'll need a month to check out another clinic and have my tests for the NHS referral. I'm ready to start yesterday.

He's agreed to test FSH on the cycle month and to go on a low FSH month. I'm not sure he thinks it'll make a difference, but who knows?

What to do.....

We'll have to have a think and perhaps check out another clinic but see what they say.

Anyway, have to go and rescue a smoked haddock, creme fraiche, lemon and parmesan tart from my oven.

xx

nothing in particular...

Not a lot going on here. Have gone into teary mode. Walking around with heavy heart.

Snickollet's blog has really upset me. Her entry was so simple and poignant. It made me cry and I still can't get her out of my head. Life is just so unfair - you meet the love of your life and go through all this IVF s**t to have their babies and, just when life's complete, it's all taken away from you. What's it all about? How can that be right?

I think the strength of my reaction is down to 2 things: firstly my father died of the same cancer just over 3 years ago and that still hurts big time and secondly, i must still be a bit progesteroned up still post-cycle. I think it's also due to it being so terribly, terribly sad. The way she writes is so frank, you feel part of her world.

I've been ovulating the last few days. On the plus side, it's reasonably soon after our cycle, so i'm pleased my body's is clicking back into gear. It's almost exactly my normal pattern. Only thing is though is that it's making me feel really, really crap about the fact that we can't do this on our own. We had our chance last month, and no matter how fertile I am, we're not going to be able to make babies without needles and pessaries. I'm just pissed off to be reminded of another pointless egg that'll turn into another miserable period in another two weeks. It's like my own body's mocking me.

Sorry to vent and be on such a downer. I know this stage will pass.

BTW, somehow missed that the lovely Infertili-me managed to get herself knocked up this cycle and it's all sounding very healthy in her neck of the woods. Really really pleased for her!

Must get on with some chores - off to teach at cooking school tonight

xx

Humble

Just found my way to Snickollet's blog. I'm not sure of the address or i'd include it here.

That's brave. I'm not.

Wish i'd kept my moaning mouth shut.

Tired of being brave

Thank you all for your family pregnancy notes. Seems we've all been there...

Whilst I don't really want to post another moany entry, I just had to say I'M TIRED OF BEING THE BRAVE ONE!

I mentioned it last time, but since then two MORE people have called me brave. I'm so not brave. I'm just getting on with life in the only way I can at the moment.

Maybe I should weep and wail and demand people feel sorry for me. Actually, I really don't want them feeling sorry for me. I can think of nothing worse than being pitied. I just know that all around me are people saying what a shame it is for me and Mr G and how they wish they could make it better for us. I want to be the one they all envy NOT the charity case.

Rant over. Think i've just had a bad day working at home alone. Also can't get into any of my summer clothes. When I lost my wedding weight last year, I chucked out a load of big clothes. I've not even put on that much - 14 lbs at the most, but i'm way too big for my "slim-self" gear from last summer, so i'm stuck with staying in too hot clothes or buying in a bigger size. The bigger size thing is SO wrong. Oh, and while i'm on sizing. There was something in the papers yesterday about how some jeans manufacturers have been making their clothes bigger to make us fit into smaller labelled sizes. So, a UK size 8 is more like a 12 in reality. Two of the labels - Gap and French Connection are where I buy my jeans. Seems like my size 8 jean glory moment from last summer is a nonsense. I wasn't even that thin when I was at my thinnest! Darn.

Still, I've had a reasonable diet day - stayed away from the tempting snacks in my kitchen - but there's a long way to go. All I want to do is eat comforting carbs and sweet stuff but i know i'll feel better (at some point) if I use a bit of self control.

No more family or friend pregnancies to report...yet! I'm off to buy a piece of fish to steam and eat with some steamed vegetables. Yum.....

xx

When would be the right time?

Last night, my brother called me for the third night running from Australia. I'd thought he was calling to commiserate. As he was calling late at night, when i was at my most tired and emotional, I hadn't picked up. I texted the night before to say "thanks but i'm too sad, lets speak at the weekend".

Anyway, last night he texted to say he'd be calling and could I please pick up. I said to Mr G "I bet they're having another baby. Why else would he be so keen to speak to me? What a bad time to be telling me!". Mr G said "When would be the right time?" I agreed. When you've an infertile sibling when would be the time to tell her you're having yet another child?

Well, i picked up and sure enough, he told me No 3 is due in November. My sis in law is not yet 3 months pg, so early days. She's pushing 40 and its taken a year to conceive this time. I'm pleased for them and managed to say all the right things. They'd hoped this cycle would work so that we could all be pg together, but i'd stuffed up that plan! He was so scared to tell me. Got off the phone and Mr G rushed in to hold me as he knew there'd be a few tears. There were. But not too many. After all, i'll have a new niece or nephew...

Called my mum this morning - who's known for 2 weeks and was sick with worry over it. She was really emotional, but I said "it's ok", that i'm pleased and a bit sad. She was sick with worry over how i'd be and was so pleased with how I reacted. She thought me very brave.

I'm tired of being brave. I want to be the one ringing round with my good news.

Oh, also found out about another adoption process yesterday. You get checked out as usual here and then post your details on an internet notice board in the US. The birth parent (how else do you describe someone giving up their child?) choose you from the board. A couple known to my friend were on it 2 weeks when they were chosen and adopted a new born boy - they were at the birth! Not saying that's for me, but it's another option.

xx

How embarassing...

I'm back from my booze and chocolate fest in France.

Mr G and I discovered the most amazing chocolate bar - Milka chocolate filled with salted peanuts and cornflakes. It was SO good we want to import it. It was hard to find so when we did see it we grabbed armsful. Good start to the new regime...not. We also found a really, really delicious white wine - Vouvray - which we drank a bottle of each night after drinking kir royales before dinner and rose at lunchtime.

The weather was perfect - blue sky and gorgeous sun all day each day. The chateau we stayed in Chateau St Paterne was also absolutely lovely. We had the most huge and fantastic room which had previously been an Orangerie and had 2 walls lined with floor to ceiling windows. The owner cooked the most delicious meals each night.

It was the perfect way to celebrate our first year of marriage, to grieve our failed IVF attempt and to remember what we're doing together. We laughed (a lot - especially when Mr G sat on an antique chair and the legs gave way beneath him - perhaps more horrified nervous giggling than laughter) and we cried quite a bit too - more me than him. It gave us a bit of space from the world to come to.

The only really crap moment was when - at the end of a drunken meal - he joked that he had more time than me (to reproduce) as he could find a younger model when my eggs have run out. He immediately realised what he'd said and couldn't believe his insensitivity. He aplogised a billion times, but i had to rush off to mop my eyes and have a bigger cry when we were back in our room. He's usually the most sensitive man in the world, but that really cut deep. He told me that some of my jokes have done the same - comments about his lazy swimmers etc have done some damage. I'll have to watch what I say a bit more too.

Coming home hasn't been great. I'm fighting off the grey clouds that are circling above my head but the weather's good and it's harder to be a moaner when you've got your Birkenstocks out. I've even painted my toenails!

Last story - as I hear Mr G arriving home and we're going out for a bite to eat. Today i went back to the dentist that i'd been to during the cycle. Those of you who have been paying attention may remember "Toothache-gate".

The last time I'd seen him i'd told him I was Pg, or at least could be as I was having IVF. This time I thought I must tell him I wasn't so that he could do injections if necessary. So, I strode in and announced "I'm not pregnant". He hadn't remembered the last visit and looked at me like I was mad, mumbling something about how I don't look pregnant. I realised how inappropriate that was and was mortified!

I then had to endure him telling me about Indian women's periods whlst I had my mouth full of a huge gum shield full of putty. Situations you don't ever imagine you will find yourself in...

I'll have to be careful who I announce i'm not pregnant too. I'm getting a bit free and easy with the whole discussing my reproductive system thing.

Hope all you girlies who shared the failed cycle experience are doing ok. We'll just have to pick ourselves up and start all over again.

xx

Yet another PS...

Cool and unemotional? Yeah right! A menstruating girl with a side order of extra progesterone is not likely to be either of those things.

Replace "cool and unemtional" with "in shock"

Shock's over now. Mr G and I had a big cry - HOW much do I hate to see my gorgeous boy cry. I just want to make it all better and neither of us can.

Am now feeling what I should be....desperately unhappy and bleakly grey. It'll pass. I suppose.

I can deal with another failed cycle, but I just need to know that one day, not even one day very soon, that one day it will work for us.

Until then, i'll continue eating every chocolate item in my home and mopping up my tears and torrential, nasty, gushing AF. Yuck.

xx

No surprises here

Once again, my darned body has denied me the dubious pleasure of peeing on a stick. Will I never enjoy the fearful anticipation and bated breath of the home pregancy test? Yesterday's spotting turned to full on period this morning.

Clearly my embryos weren't paying attention in the Mind Body class I attended. Lucky I was and am actually bearing up to the (not unexpected) disappointment quite well. I'm just waiting to collapse in a sobbing heap. Think that'll happen during the alcoholic binge I'm planning for my trip to France this weekend.

For now, i'm calm and unemotional - most unlike me really. I had an odd feeling about this cycle from the start.

Will just have to get right back in the stirrups for cycle 3...coming soon.

Good luck all you girlies with as yet unknown results. I really hope you get BFP's. It's the season of new growth etc - just because my body isn't joining in doesn't mean yours can't.

I'll be checking up on you when I return from France next Tuesday.

Bonne chance....pretentious? moi?

xx

PS

Started spotting....only light but now on full panty alert...hope fading...fast xx

Cramping continues....

Well i'm still hanging on in there. The cramping continues but as yet...and i haven't checked for at least twenty minutes...no show in the knicker department.

I've lapsed into full symptom check - scouring blogs and chat rooms. Every so often I have a shimmer of excitement when I think this MAY have worked, but that's quickly replaced with the gloom of probable failure.

Last week's heaving bosom has rapidly deflated (nice while it lasted) and i've no other symptoms of being with child. It's a whole lot safer to assume the worst. It'll still be dismal but no surprise.

We're driving to Normandy on Friday morning to celebrate the Easter weekend and our first anniversary in a cosy little chateau. If it's a negative i'll drink lots of wine and coffee and hoover up huge amounts of smelly French cheese. See?!! I can even think about smelly cheese without revulsion!!

Am doing v badly on concentrating on work, but trying to as it takes my mind off the constant "am I or aren't I" loop in my head.

Just a couple more days. I don't even want to buy my HPT until i've made it to test day. I'm stupidly superstitious in case I jinx things and I don't even get to at least try the test. Maybe i'll succumb tomorrow afternoon if i've still not bled by then....

Fingers crossed for all you other girlies in limbo land xxx

2WW meltdown?

It's early morning of day 10 past 2 day transfer and it's like the clock has rolled back to last November. That was when I lost at my last go at this delightful game of "hold your nerve and retain some optimism as your body plays vile tricks with your mind".

Yesterday, on the same day as last time, the cramps began. Period like pains - that last time I vainly hoped were those embryos nestling down - started to appear. They've increased over the last 24 hours and what's a girl to think, other than "here we go again"...

Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

I had a full sobbing meltdown last night after trying desperately to see the pains in a positive light - what positive light can there be?! - and feel similarly depressed this morning. I was doing so darn well.

But - and I almost feel foolish in clinging onto this raft of hope - it's not all over until the spotting begins. Thus far, no show, but if we're playing the "just like last time" routine, that should happen tomorrow morning.

In the meantime, i shall distract myself with work and some baking.

Watch this space...I shall be watching my knickers...i'm sure you'll be gagging to find out how Knickerwatch, the sequel ends

xx

Ain't nothing goin' on but...some toothache

All quiet. Nothing much goin' on on the symptom front at all. I have HUGE progesterone pumped - and extremely tender - bosoms.

Mr G hs put in a vote for me to keep taking that particular drug as he can't believe his luck. As I'm a 150% out of bounds baby neurotic zone, he can't do much but admire them from afar.

Other than my inflated chest and some delightful white snail trail discharge which gives me a scare when I visit the toilet, there's not a lot to report. I've had a few lightheaded moments, but that may be too long between meals. I'm trying to eat regularly and much protein but have not always managed to get fuelled in good time. Note to self - must not get over hungry.

I've been fairly positive all week and have just arrived at "I can't bear the thought of it all going wrong...again" city. I will have to, but the weight of misery is too too much to contemplate. So I have tried not to.

Had fun with toothache yesteday. I particularly hate going to the dentist, so will only go if I really need to. I bit on something on Wed night and the pain was HUGE. Thought it might go away but it stayed all day Thursday. Gave in and booked an appt for friday and trotted down to the surgery with Mr G - who volunteered to come with me to keep me calm. Bless. I spent thursday being petrified and asking every medical source I could find if I could have dental anaesthetic. All said yes. I was super anxious that the anxiety was bad for my embryo chances and felt that all my efforts at calm had been hijacked.

Anyway, magically, the pain vanished once I was in the dentist's chair! He said that can happen and does quite a lot. After all that worrying, he did nothing other than a bit of tapping, water spraying and applying of desensitising stuff. I had the same pain last year he tells me and reckons it's potentially root canal work. Nice. Anyway, I skipped out of there unscathed - how much better is the exit from the dentist than the long walk in...!

So, nothing else to report. Work this morning - a private cooking lesson - cancelled as she's not well, so, having planned it yesterday i had an unexpected morning off which was a bonus.

As i'm feeling bloated and lardy am about to head out into the sun for a stroll in the park.

Hope all's well with you girlies out there waiting with me. I'll catch up with your blogs over the weekend.
xx

2 magpies

Well, we're still in the easy bit - 3 days past transfer - and i'm doing ok. The sun is shining on my little corner of NW London today.

I was determined I wasn't going to get all superstitious this time. Interpreting every green light and sunny day as a sign from up high that things were/are going well. But it's a beautiful spring day - really warm and sunny - and i'm sitting (with my feet up of course) in the garden and there are TWO MAGPIES strutting around right in front of me. (For those that are unaware of this superstition - if you see one magpie, that means sorrow coming your way and two mean joy!)

Ok, all right already, I KNOW that the presence of two black and white feathered creatures (readily found in any corner of this green and pleasant land) does not mean that my embryos are busily muliplying and dividing as I type. Still, a girl's gotta hope and it's a whole lot better than a gloomy grey day with one magpie struttin about outside Makes me feel better!

Last day of sitting on my behind - which will mean i've taken it easy for 2 and a half days post transfer, which I think is pretty good going.

Apart from a touch of constipation (sorry if that's TMI) some mild cramping and a bit of lower back discomfort (not even meriting the label of pain) i'm ok.

xx

All aboard

Well, here we are again! We've made it through another cycle to transfer. A few hours ago a v lovely Italian lady doctor (Dottore) - standing in for our regular consultant who couldn't be with us today - transferred our 2 new embies back to my safe care.

It was the usual traumatic wait with full bladder as they were running v late today. They had NINE transfers to do! Wonder how many of us will be smiling in two weeks' time?

Before the transfer we stopped off for an acupuncture session at a clinic that will treat girls on their way to and from transfer. I had to wait a while to be seen but felt relaxed afterwards. Mr G bought me a brioche as i'd not had time to eat breakfast. I felt a bit ropey as I ate far too much fish and chips last night. That and the progesterone pessaries are playing havoc with my guts. Need to watch what i'm eating I think.

At the clinic we had to identify ourselves and make sure we were the right people to receive the precious cargo. Turns out both had developed fine overnight. Both marked down as top quality but I think not quite as good as last time. One had got to 4 cells and the other was 3 - on the way to 4. They were pleased with them.

Lovely Dottore talked us through the whole procedure and kept us entertained but told Mr G off for making us laugh halfway through. He was v moved to see them launched on screen in a cloud of fluid into my uterus.

After we signed for them we went back for a post-transfer acupuncuture - which involved another half hour wait in reception during which Mr G got v cross with the useless receptionist. Whilst i relaxed with the needles Mr G went off to some posh food stores to stock up with goodies for our time at home this weekend.

I'm now on my sofa with a stack of DVD's, mug of tea, pile of magazines and cooking shows on tv. Total pampering.

Not sure how I feel this time. We've done all we can, the doc's have done all they can. All we can do now is wait and hope that these are the ones and that in 2 weeks time we get a BFP and in nine months time we get a BFbaby!

Good luck to all of you others out there starting your wait xx

Diminishing returns and hubbie gets a pseudonym

The clinic called well before expected.

The information note they sent us home with said between 11.30 and 1pm. At 10.10am, having started my day slowly (as i'm still a bit crampy, tired and spotting) I was just thinking of what I should do to distract myself from waiting for news when the home phone rang. As no one except my parents and in-laws rings my landline I was pretty sure it was the news i'd been waiting for.

Assuring me it was good news, Fatima - the embryologist we met last time - told me that 1 egg had not survived the ICSI process as it was full of holes (not good) and one had just not fertilised. The other two have fertilised! Thank goodness. Whilst 4 would have been great and 3 very nice news, we're consoling ourselves with the old "you only need one" mantra. Whilst it's true, it would have been good to have one to add to our frostie collection, but the poor lonely frosticle will have to remain alone for now.

We discussed it last night in bed and my hubbie - need to find a pseudonym for him - said he expected 2. I think the general mood here is optimism tinged with slight gloom at the fall-out rate. My mum asked me how i felt about it - suppose she thought I might be upset, but i'm remaining externally upbeat. Don't want her worrying any more than she alerady does.

So, we've been asked to go back tomorrow at 11.40 to have them transferred. I asked the embryologist what can still go wrong and she said they may not divide normally. I now am worried about that BUT she did say there's no reason to expect that.

Lets hope those embies keeping on growing so they can come to Mama tomorrow! Then we'll be into the 2WW which ends 2 days before our first wedding anniversary. We'll be on a romantic weekend in Normandy by then. Ooooh the suspense.

My job now is to keep calm and RELAX!

Oh, forgot to mention how crap yesterday's anaesthatist was. He jammed the big needle/catheter thing into my hand THREE times before he found a vein. He got all flustered and panicky and it took all my deep breathing to stay calm. As that was the one bit I was a bit nervous about it wasn't great, and i've 2 HUGE bruises on my hand now. Still, the anaesthetic worked a treat and I woke up feeling like i'd had the best sleep!

Fingers crossed for our egg/embryos tonight and thinking of all you glriles in the same boat. Again, the notes of support are lovely.

Deep down i'm a little pessimistic about this cycle, especially as things have been less good than last time, but i'm reallyk, really trying to bat away those negative thought.

On hubbies' pseudonym...I already use a v appropriate one in my restaurant review column which would give the game away. Think i'll go for Mr G. JUst need to remember to use it now!

xx

Best possible result!

Well, i'm back home with my feet up and i'm smiling!

When I came round from the anaesthetic, the lovely nurse - Sian - told me how i'd done. A few minutes later my hubbie and the Doc popped their heads around the door to tell me the news again! Apparently I was all weak and girlie voiced but v happy.

FOUR eggs! The best news we could have had from our four follicles. My gorgeous hubbie has now done his bit. Apparently they still haven't changed the porno mag in the w**king room (wonder what the proper name is for the room allotted for providing samples) - although i'm SURE he didn't even glance inside the mags....!

Now it's all in the hands of the embryologists.

As hubbie had to go off to a meeting my Mum and Dad came to pick me up and are now spoiling me at home. I'm being waited on hand and foot. This bit's stressful but also nice - a bit of a lull when I can bask in the pleasure of having managed to push out my four eggs and before we start the horrible 2WW. I so hope we get to start that wait!

Time to switch off and relax a bit.

Hope you girlies who triggered with me are doing ok and thanks to all of you posting comments - it means such a lot to know you're out there!

xx

Triggered

Despite my having spent much of the last few days with a hot water bottle stuck down my trousers - warming those ovaries, Tuesday's scan showed a little slowing down of growth. Three of those little angels were over the line but the smallest had stayed still. Aaaaaargh!!

I waited all day to hear back from the clnic as to whether they'd trigger tuesday or wednesday. In need of some success stories, I sat down to watch one of the Dr Robert Winston IVF programmes that i'd taped last year, but couldn't face watching after our first failure. It showed 2 couples who'd had umpteen failed goes at IVF. One of the ladies - a midwife - was reaching the end of her tether and had to remortgage their home to pay for the next treatment when she and her hubby were trying PGS - genetic screening of the embryos. The other couple seemed to have endless cash and went off to try their chances with ARGC and the controversial Dr Taranissi. I won't ramble on about it, but the end result was a failure for the midwife but eventual twin pg for the rich folk on their NINTH attempt. Whilst I don't fancy nine goes, at least it showed you can get there in the end.

Pepped up by that, I was pleased to hear i was to be triggered on that night. By the time they called I was late to go and meet my buddy before our MindBody session and had to jam in my last dose of Menopur before I left - v relaxing...not!

I triggered last night at 10pm. The huge syringe of Pregnyl really stung going in and has felt v bruised today.

Today i've taken a walk in the sun. Filed my weekly restaurant review, got some groceries in and had an acupuncture session. I wanted to give those eggs a last minute push, but felt like i'd wasted my money slightly, as apparently, the trigger stops the eggs growing, so the acupunturist just did a calming type treatment. After paying the huge treatment bill I was probably more stressed than before!

My darling hubbie is nagging me to take it easy, so i'll keep this short. Cross your fingers and say some prayers for me and hope that I can push out a few good eggs tomorrow at 9am xx

Still in the game...

Well, it's now Sunday and things are slightly brighter. The sun's still shining outside too!

After tears all day Wed and full-on panic by the time Friday morning came, my ovaries had managed to push out another couple of follicles. Grand total - FIVE! Still not going to win "best in show" but getting there. My blood was taken to check there's some oestrodol (sure that's spelt wrong) action as that had been light too on Wed. Things had improved. More than double the oestrodol and the lining now thickening. Promising. A much smilier girl left the clinic.

I had an acupuncture session on Friday where all stops were pulled out. Electrodes attached to needles above my ovaries and moxa burning on points over my knees! I was a human pin cushion! I've drunk several gallons of water and am walking around with a hot water bottle stuck to my abdomen!

Toda's scan (Sunday) showed 4 follicles on the move. 1 big enough, 3 behind and 2 still idling. GET A MOVE ON!!!! I've got to go back tomorrow to see what's going on and to decide when to release them. As luck would have it, we were at the clinic all day anyway today, doing the Mind Body course, which involved some yoga, some picture drawing and stuff on communicating with our partners. Good relaxing stuff, and oddly comforting. Surrounded by people who get it and who care.

I'm more hopeful and trying to banish the negative thoughts that pop back into my mind. Fingers crossed that the eggs we have pop out, fertlise and return to mama as perfect embryos that grow up to be beautfiul babies!

x

THREE

Can't believe its been three weeks since my last entry!

Been quite busy with work and stuff and hormonal ups and downs of life with IVF. Although there have been quite a few interesting moments, the last two days have FORCED me to fire up the Blogger machine as I HAVE to share them.

Yesterday was the first scan since i've been stimming. I was quietly hopeful. The hormones had clearly been doing their job this time. A definite suppression was evidenced by my teary outbursts and irrational behaviour. There was window of normality - of one evening - as the Menopur ironed out the Buserelin (down reg drug) and I behaved like a normal person. That closed as the Menopur took over and I returned to IVF woman. The tears returned the next day. I've also had a hugely upset tummy and the odd headache.

Anyway, back to the story. All drugged up, I was hopeful of a better score than last time (I think you know where i'm going with this by now) but hugely nervous as I made my way to the clinic. Trouble on the tube - and my leaving late, meant I arrived late, stressed and even more anxious than when I set out. Thee was a new scanning lady there - who kept pronouncing my name wrong and seemed to think i'd be happy dropping my knickers without a curtain between us to protect what's left of my modesty. She was nice enough, but not so nice that she couldn't magic up more than the three (THREE!!!) measly follicles my ovaries had managed to produce. What were they thinking of? Sitting there relaxing when they're meant to be on full steam ahead.

I was mortified. Back in the waiting room there were two ladies with small children. MESSAGE FOR THOSE ALREADY BLESSED - LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN AT HOME WHEN YOU GO FOR AN APPOINTMENT!!! it's just not fair. One of them - scanned after me - returned to announce 10 follicles. That's really not on. Why should she - with her small child - have so many more than me?!

We waited ages to see the nurse and when we did, I could no longer contain the (very hormonal) tears. The nurse we saw - i'd already rejected one nurse because I don't like her very much and couldn't face hearing my bad news confirmed by her - the nurse we saw, was so sweet. She said that i'd only had a poor response last time (great) but that my eggs and embryos had been v good quality. They found our specialist - who happened to be in the clniic - and he came to see me to say "dont' worry" as he expected this and all's ok. My darling husband tried to calm me down, was v sweet, but by now had to rush off to a business meeting. I'd calmed down a bit and insisted he go.

Anyway, after a day of tears - yesterday - i'm more positive today. I only need the one and that's what we'll be aiming for!

Second story involves today's outing. Possibly the weirdest and yet most comedy moment yet in our IVF journey. We went to see a hynotherapist. He is the weirdest looking man - nearly 70 (as he kept telling us) with a brown wig and dyed brown beard and dyed brown eye brows plus thick fake tan. The brownest man i've seen! Had to stare at him. He kept telling my husband that we should keep having "abundant s*x" (Not sure if I should write the "S" word in full or I might appear in places I don't want to. He advised that hubbie should delay his ejac****n and asked if he knew how. Hubbie said he knew, but the minute I went to the toilet, hypno man started giving an indepth description of how my boy should control himself. It took all our efforts not to giggle. We couldn't look at each other for a second. I don't think i've ever felt so uncomfortable in my life. At least it cheered us up and took my mind off yesterday's antics!

Fingers crossed for some more follies tomorrow x

Paul McCartney

Wasn't going to write again today, but last night we had a superb star spot.

We'd gone out to buy a fan heater - it's still SO COLD in the flat whilst we are without heat. We spent 20 minutes discussing which one to buy and what difference there was (if any) between them and came to a unilateral decision (mine) to go cheap as we only need it for a night. We left the cash desk with my darling boy insisting we'd bought the wrong heater and that the more expensive one - he wanted - would be better. I was a bit dehydated, so MDB wanted to get me some water from the vending machine. The machine (of course) ate our money and kept the bottle of water. Another 10 mins was spent getting a refund.

By the time that was all done we were hungry and decided to go for an early supper. Some more discussions took place - what did we fancy? which area did we want to be in? which restaurant etc. We ended up in an Italian restaurant that looked really, really quiet. 4 waiters were hanging around and rushed to help us. We felt sorry for them. This was at 7pm. AT 7.45, people started turning up in their droves and by 8.10 it was PACKED! Obviously a local favourite. As I write about restaurants for a living I decided i had this week's column - this place obviously is extremely successful. Some restaurant critic I am - we'd only gone in as we thought it sad that the waiters were all hanging around. Anyway, before you get bored ridged and return a more exciting blog of a far more interesting infertile, the piece de resistance arrived. Mr McCartney with young woman with dark hair - not Stella but possibly his other daughter, Mary. The whole restaurant turned to stare as he walked to the rear dining area. He is SUCH a star - almost royalty really!

I introduced myself to the manager as I left to let him know i'd be writing about the place. Turns out this is a fave haunt of PM's and he's been going for 25 years! The place has been there for 40 years - and we'd felt sorry for them! Just shows.

Anyway, i'm off to take a headache pill - the supression headache's returned - maybe too little water yesterday? The drilling from the plumber installing our new boiler isn't helping.

Never mind - it's all in a good cause!

x

Tissue territory

Well, we're here. Time to invest in a bumper pack of Kleenex. The waterworks are ON!

To be fair (to me) i've been tested these last couple of days. I'm 8 days into Buserelin and the weird 'having my menopause but still menstruating' period has shown up. AF's arrival is ordinarily heralded by a good sob, so that's all usual stuff. Crying at the wheel of my Mini is not.

It was brought on by our boiler deciding that just after we'd got the (£5k) credit card bill for our second IVF cycle would be a good time to throw in the towel. The boiler's successor is going to cost us something in the region of £2k. Marvellous. Good job!

Refusing to let it interfere with my routine, i decided that i'd still go out and exercise first thing. I got back with a good hour to wash, dress, inject, breakfast and leave the house at 9am for my osteopath appt. I got 3 huge pans of water on to heat up. Our kettle - in league with the boiler - had decided to give up the ghost at the weekend. To add to that, one of the gas rings won't fire up either! What is it with our domestic water heating arrangements?!!

One of my bigger pans was in the fridge as it had braised red cabbage in it. I emptied the cabbage out and gave the pan a quick rinse so that I could get max water over the 3 gas rings I had. When I started filling the bath, I found we had no running water - hot or cold - to our bath, so I had to bail in cold water from the sink. Marvellous. Anyway, by the time the water had heated up it was 8.40 and I ended up sitting in about 2 inches of hot water. I'd just managed - by lying flat on my back with my legs out the bath - to wash my hair when i noticed some floating bits. Cabbage. I must have missed some when I rinsed the pan and was washing in cabbagey water. Nice.

I managed to wash and dry me and my hair, inject AND put on make up by 9am. An achievement, but not exactly what my relaxation course would recommend!

The plumber promised to arrive at midday. He rang on my doorbell at 15.45. I was SO not amused. My day has been totally wasted! To top it all - he said there's no time to do the job today! He's taken the boiler and says he'll be back tomorrow morning to finish the job. So, no hot water (again) and no heating tonight. Joy. Probably time to take a few DEEP breaths and listen to my relaxation CD.

At least this is happening now and not in 3 weeks when i'm sure i'll be knee deep in sodden tissues and wearing the gorgeous swollen red eyes of the mid treatment IVF'r.

x

Granny Smiths

Every morning, I slice a crisp, green Granny Smith apple in half. I then core and slice one half over my morning porridge. Every morning I forget that the apple has a little blue sticker on it and watch as the small pieces of apple dropping onto my steaming oats have tiny blue sticker remanants over some of them.

Why do the people who sell us the apples think we need a blue sticker? I don' t need a sticker to tell me it's a Granny Smith apple. If it's for those who don't know, then if you're not interested enough to work out what breed of apple you're buying, you're not going to care much anyway. All that the stupid sticker does is leave glue on my apple - probably - and end up in pieces over my breakfast. I make the same stupid mistake every day and have probably ingested a large amount of blue paper - wonder if that's bad for me?

Worse for me probably is the anxiety and frustsration my new drug of choice (?) is creating. I'm 6 mornings into my Buserelin regime. Overall, i'm not too bad. I've mastered the whole drawing up the drug/tapping the needle/air bubble thing - which always makes me feel like a medic or at least a fully paid up drug addict! The only effects that i've noticed are massive tiredness - really full on need to flop - and thirst - need to drink all the time. Otherwise, apart from some minor breast tenderness, all's good. My boy's on red alert for terrorist outbursts from me or perhaps some unwarranted and inappropriate sobbing, but...not wanting to speak too soon...all seems ok. I don't even have the bruises i inflicted all over my tummy last time. Obviously, it's very early days in my chemical menopause though.

I'm doing a daily half hour of relaxation - as prescribed by my MindBody course, and trying to make some me time. I seem to get enough me time really in any event.

Otherwise not a huge amount to report. This time I have a posse of IVF'ers around me going through the hoops. Two are ahead of me by a week or two, one (an FET) is almost the same start and another started her down reg at the same time as me. I think she may be a bit younger, but i'm not sure. It's comforting to have them alongside, but a little corner of my mind is scared that statistically, we can't all succeed. Who's going to get the luck this time? 2 have had (sadly failed) pregancies before, so my money's on them. My body wouldn't recognise a pregnancy if it came up and punched it in the ovaries.

I'm fairly relaxed about everything this time. I almost feel resigned to it not working, but do expect it to work on the third or fourth try. Not sure why I feel like that, but it does keep me calm. Maybe it's a protection mechanism. My boy reads these entries, and will go mad with me for my negativity. It's not total negativity, just a way of not expecting too much from this, my second foray into reproductive medicine.

Whilst the medical side isn't especially different this time, the mental side is better. There's the MIndBody course, weekly massage at home and acupunture. Annoyingly, my acupuncturist is off to India (what a cliche that is) for three weeks around the main even of this cycle without directing a needle towards a potential replacement. I'm on the hunt for a sub - and may well have found one - but am seriously unimpressed with her karmic feelings.

I'm now venting and rambling, so i'm off to lie with my relaxation CD for 30 mins. After the dim sum fest my boy and I just enjoyed, i think i may be snoring in minutes

xx

Valentines, drugs and other bits

I've been reading Hopeful Mother's wonderful entries and finding myself thinking about her later and smiling to myself. Apologies - if I was clever i'd set up a link direct to her site here, but I can't and i'm increasingly feeling a techno twit. Still you'll find her address to the right of the page anyway.

Her reaction to her BFP has been adorable and so well written. Obviously I read it with an element of "what about me?" but then don't we all but she's given us so much of herself on her blog that you get drawn in and can't help feeling elated that with her. It gives us hope and I'm just so pleased for her.

I'm trying to limit my IVF related activities. I know that once I really get started with this cycle it will - as last time - take over. I want to keep myself in the real world as long as I can. The number of IVF hours are creeping up though...I've joined a Mind and Body relaxation group run at my clinic. There are 11 of us girls in it plus the co-ordinator and two helpers. We're all in the infertility trap. Some have had a few goes at IUI and IVF but not all have gone through the IVF rollercoaster yet. Many are nervous of the journey and are in the group to help them get the courage up to go through the experience. The aim of the course is to teach us all life skills of relaxation so that we can better cope with treatment and with many stressful experiences. We're meant to keep the goings on in the group confidential, so that's about all i'll say, other than i'm really enjoying it so far and i'm sure it'll do me some good. Oh - one of the girls in the group is cycling the same time as me! A brilliant coincidence to share the experience!

I HAVE to report on my Valentines Day. I'm SO not a Val Day person - never really thought much of it, even more so now there's such pressure on all of us to perform on the day. Still, on our first married Val Day, my most gorgeous and wonderful husband pulled out all the stops. He evicted me for 2 hours at around 4.30pm. I sat in a cafe with wifi up the street and worked whilst waiting.

When I got the call to come home, he opened the door and there were candles EVERYWHERE, the table was laid in the kitchen with lovely red tulips in vases and, in our living room was a massage table and a lady waiting to give me a massage!! After the most fantastic massage, she left and he fed me a home cooked meal of my favourite food. I hate to sound cheesey but it was so lovely. Made me realise that what i've got - even without babies - is very wonderful.

Just so you know - I didnt' forget him...i had a box of mini breakfast pastries and jams etc delivered to his radio station (where he does a breakfast show) and I baked him some heart shaped cakes which I iced and left in a box for him when he got in from work. Yeah, yeah, i know it's the height of cheese, but we're newly weds!!!

Last bit of info for this post is the drugs. I ordered the drugs on Monday - and they cost TWICE AS MUCH as i'd been told and EVEN MORE THAN LAST TIME!!! I was horrified, but what are you going to do? My cycle buddy from the course got her drugs on the NHS - FOR FREE!!!! That is so unfair. Anyway, the big box showed up yesterday morning, with a huge needle kit and sharps bin this time. I've stacked them in one of our bathrooms. it's a horrible moment when you unpack the drugs as it brings it all home. I'm a little nervous of my Buserelin injections. I didn't do them last time and i'm not entirely sure how to get the drug out of the vial and into the me. I know it's a syringe, but i'm going to have to ring the clnic for advice.

Enough now. Time to get back to work. IVF is a HUGE distraction - much easier to vent for 20 mins about it on line than to concentrate on today's work!

xxxx

IVF works

It's official...IVF does really work.

First Heather (Desperatelyseekingbaby) and now HopefulMother have reached the end goal. I'm so pleased for both of them and every piece of good news gives me a boost because it proves that this journey i'm on can end in success.

I'm in that weird twilight zone pre-cycle. Just starting to crank up the hours spent cruising the internet for information and success stories, leafing through the various self-help books and beginning the abstinence from all good things in life! Had my mid-cycle scan today to check all my bits are in order. Good news was that all my bits are doing what they should. About to ovulate and no nasty bits found. Bad news is that apparently I don' t have a number of follicles. Could be age but also could be just one of those things. The doc said that some of us are just made that way. He said that as my cycles are really regular and not long/short/intermittent, it doesn't look too bad BUT that we're doing the right thing in getting on with treatment. Sometimes I think he's a bit of a good news guy - and doesn't like to give the harsh reality.

I'd been thinking of delaying longer to get our life a bit more sorted, but I think we'd better just get on with it! The doc was lovely and tells me that the eggs I do produce are good ones. I was sad that my chances of a multi-egg cycle with loads of gorgeous embies is extremely unlikely.

Never mind...there's so much good news going around, maybe some will land with us! The doc has just got a patient pg. Not unusual, but what was unusual was that her hubbie had prostate cancer and they'd had to rush to treatment with frozen sperm before his chemo. it worked for them and they've twins on the way!

I'm not sure i've much more news. Oh, it snowed here all day. It was GORGEOUS! I sat and watched for a long time and then just had to go out and play. I'm such a baby when it comes to snow - just gotta get out there and feel it on my face! Shows how little snow we get here.

My boy - i've realised he's been both My Darling Boy (MDB) and Darling Husband (DH) already during my blog. Need to find a name and stick to it. Anyway, that man (MDB/DH) is on my case to get some rest, so i'm going to stop tonight's ramble.

Many, many congrats to the girls with BFP's tonight. I can't imagine how good that must feel...amazing...but i hope to one day!

xxx

Just a quick one

I always say that, and then get carried away with my ramblings.

I forget to mention in my last post the lady of 67 (SIXTY SEVEN!!!!) who's just had twins. They reversed her menopause, fertilised donor eggs and sperm and implanted. IT TOOK!! And she has TWINS!! Apparently she lied to the clinic to persaude them to treat her. How MAD is that? Funnily enough, I don't feel sad or even angry about it, just pleased that even a 67 year old womb can hold onto embryos..suppose the sperm and eggs were super young though...

Also had to share that I have reached the countdown. AF arrived yesterday - been feeling unusually yucky with it all, but pleased to be (finally) on countdown. Rang the clinic who've given me w/c 19 March as my provisional retrieval/implantation week. Seems a long way off, but I know it'll fly. Injections will start on 20 Feb.

Rang to order my drugs and they're HALF THE PRICE of the last cycle. Half of me's worried that cheaper drugs surely can't do the trick, whilst the cheapskate in me is delighted! I still couldn't help a quick surf to see if i could pick them up any cheaper. Found a post giving a telephone number of a place that does them cheaper on a fertility site. Called, only to find it was the same company! They do different deals with different clnics. It's SO outrageous. Never mind. I'm back into the "whatever" frame of mind - just so long as it works.

On that front, i'm even more negative than last time! I'm now so much more aware of failures and almost resigned to our having to do this several times before it'll work. Not good, esp since DH has had some bad news on the work front and money's going to be a bit tight.

Never mind - we'll just carry on dealing with everything life can chuck at us in this first year of our marriage!

We're off to France for a long weekend tomorrow. Staying with newly engaged friends, which should be lovely. Lots of eating, laughing and the odd glass of soothing wine. Gotta enjoy something in this life.

I hate to admit that i dread any of my newly wed or about to be wed friends announding "good news". I have a few and I know someone's going to do it soon. They'll all be too scared to tell us. Not a lot else to say about that - just rambling.

Must sign off now. Want to finish off some work.

The vanilla ice cream was delicious. Only problem is that i'm not meant to eat ice cream - my acupuncturist says it's bad for my fertility!!!

When i'm pregnant, i'll make (and eat) ice cream every day.

xxx