Ups and downs....featuring some v cute puppies...

Its been an up and downie sort of a week.

Mr G has been v low over our IF state and manfully suffering with a throat infection/cold type of illness. I use manfully as in suffering as men do....if you get my drift. I managed to let his down-ness breeze over me for a while - in between telling him to at least take something so he'd feel better, but early this week I succumbed. Not to the illness (thank goodness) but to a spot of the IF blues.

That wasn't helped by a trip to the new clinic for a mid-cycle scan. They're monitoring a natural cycle at the moment. I was booked in for 9am and arrived bang on time - despite the torrential rain and heavy gales clogging up the traffic. As I checked in, they told me they were running an hour late...I left (after one scan and a quick blood test) two and a quarter hours later! The place was FILLED with patient women - some with their equally patient partners. What was that all about?!

In the scanning room there was nowhere to put the clothes you removed. I hung my jeans over the screen and tried to hide my (pretty pink) underwear in with them all of which felt really humiliating. Zero marks for patient care.

During my appt I rowed with the Dr how did the scan, who insisted that I must have immunology tests (at £780) and a hysteroscopy (at more than £1000). As i've a history of difficult transfers, I wanted to how they'd avoid problems with that. I was told the hysteroscopy would dilate me and sort that out. They'd do one pre-cycle. The last time I was dilated, things shrunk back v quickly and definitely within the month. How will they make sure that's not the case? His answer - they won't. The Dr said your ut.erus moves daily so a mock is useless. By this time, i felt close to tears with frustration, but had nothing more to add. I went meekly for my blood test - which took place in a different building on the next street. Oh, and I forgot to mention that in the middle of all of this I had to go and move my car - which was a 10 minute walk away.

If an exploratory scan is this stressful how would a full cycle be? The experience shot me into a big, fat hole of misery. This clinic is meant to be the answer to my prayers. Hmmmm....

The silver lining in all of this was this months scores on the doors, my day 1 bloodwork. FSH of...........and I think we need a drum roll here....FSH of 9.6! Yeah, yeah, I know it's no great shakes to those lucky girls who are always single digit-ers, but for the first month in ages, i'm back in the magic under 10 club. Hurrah! All the other numbers - Oestradiol, LH and Prolactin are normal too. There's hope for me yet.

Final bullet points -

I fasted religiously for Yom Kippur and went to shul twice! Nothing like IF superstition for focussing a girl on her religion. I hope I repented enough.

Had dinner with the couple who've adopted from Russi.a. Their children - ages 2 and 3 (nrly 3 and 4) are ADORABLE! Still not ready to trot down that road, but they were a real and happy family. They also have a v cute puppy, a "malti-poo" - cross between Ma.ltese Terrier and a P.oodle. Here's a pic I found online of maltipoos

How cute are they?!! I want one but Mr G still won't be swayed....i'm working on it...xx

Autumn approaching

I've been telling Mr G off for harping on about winter approaching. Ostrich like, i've buried my head in the increasing big piles of leaves and refused to put on my socks. I would not have it that winter was on its way. Not while the sun's stil shining!

This morning I went out for my morning exercise - 30-ish minutes striding round the park - and it was FREEZING!! Not literally, but 9 degrees and definitely not T shirt weather. Damn. Zita West - fertility guru wrote in one of her books that IVF is more successful in spring and summer. Not for me, clearly! Never mind. I'll just have to work even harder to beat the odds as well as the weather.

Anyway, today i'm mostly wearing a dress and...wait for it...TIGHTS AND BOOTS! I've truly given in. Autumn is here. Still, there are some good things about autumn. Big clothes to hide the IVF flab in. Lots of tasty winter stews and soups. Walks in the leaves and the smell of bonfires. Whilst the sun's still shining I can cope.

Off to meet my Mind Body girls tonight for a communal moan. Tomorrow i'm starting as a mentor to the next group. Paying it forward and getting the benefit of doing the course again for free!

Go and give Leah and her (not so Dusty Ovaries) a shout - she's positive HPT stick-alicious!! (Tales from my dusty ovaries is her blog)

xx

I can't believe its been so long since I last posted. I've been reading your entries and commenting, just keeping quiet.

Life's fairly quiet really. I'm starting to get that "I want to cycle because everyone else is" feeling again. Many of my Mind Body group are cycling as well as some of my other IF friends. No BFP's but lots of hope and action. I've felt a little overwhelmed by all of their follicular updates but hope that we start to get some positive results here in my little section of L.ondon.

My p.eriod showed up on Thursday and i'm into a round of monitoring with two clinics. Straight monitoring at the private clinic and some prelim stuff for my N.HS cycle. All a bit confusing and Mr G is a little worried it'll stress me out. So far though, it's manageable - only 4 vials of blood on Friday and a couple more tomorrow as well as a wanding. I used to really fear giving blood - funny how you just get used to it. That, and opening your legs without so much as a moment's embarassment - well maybe a moment - on a regular basis.

Mr G and I have been quite the social butterflies. It was J.ewish New Year - as i'm sure you know - last week I cooked for my folks. Pomegranate, FIg, blue cheese and leaf salad, a whole roasted sea bass stuffed with rosemary with thyme roasted new potatoes en papillote and courgettes and mint salad. Dessert was honey wafers with caramelised apples and vanilla ice cream. Yum!

We've had two birthday parties - the fancy dress 40th one where i LOVED being a bunny and Mr G was a fantastic J.immy S.aville. Then last night, another 40th at a J.apanese restaurant sitting round the te.penyaki tables. I made a huge platter of teeny, petit four sized lemon flavoured cupcakes iced in white and light and dark pink and topped with glittery sprinkles as well as some heart shaped chocolate cup cakes with chocolate icing and took them for the birthday girl. No pics - sorry.

We also went for dinner with friends of Mr G in a posh L.ondon hotel restaurant. During the evening, I was feeling a bit period crampy. I was worried that i might have come on - you know that feeling which you used to get at school and which never fully leaves you that your skirt might be stained. So, after worrying for a while, i thought i'd try to creep off to the toilet.

I was on a bench seat against the wall, and the table was pushed right up to the bench. I tried to edge along the bench and slide my legs up round the table leg but I didn't know that the bench stopped. Instead of smoothly exiting, I disappeared over the edge of the bench, legs in the air and whacked my arm against the wall. How embarassing!!! I was mortified! Luckily the p.eriod had not shown up - just as well as i'd showed my knickers to the whole restaurant...
I had the great pleasure of meeting Becks from One Miracle Needed this week. She was up in L.ondon for a meeting and we had a quick lunch together. She's every bit as lovely as she sounds and we talked non-stop the whole time we were together. I feel very lucky to have met so many lovely brave and strong girls - in real life and virtually - through my IF. A silver lining in all this misery. I just hope we can all move on to share stories of our children.

xx

Embarrassed to be a techno idiot

Sorry about the botch up with the link to Mensfe. I did put the address in, but it didn't come out in my published blog. Definitely need lessons in bloggery!

Have tried using the Blogger paste in link thing but can't get it to work. So, the site i'm trying to get you to check out is MENSFE dot NET it's not in caps, and i've spelt out the dot and second part but I hope you can get to look at it whilst I (and Mr G - my IT support) work out how to do this properly.

I'm meeting up with Becks (One Miracle Needed) next week so maybe she'll talk me through the process so I look less of a numbskull. This lack of technical nouse is making me feel like all of your Grandma who just can't get used to this new fangled technology! I'm shamed. Do pop in and give Becks a bit of support. She's teetering on the edge of a BFP, maybe we can push her the right way!

Anyway, little else to report. Am, on the whole, feeling fairly cool. Went to open evening at another clinic last night. It was packed with other infertile couples. Somehow i'm comforted by the fact that there are so many of us but also that there were people there who looked normal and just like me.

The talk repeated a lot that we (seasoned IVF'ers) could have told them (Mr G joked I could've given the talk) but also some new stuff. They're quite up on new tests and do a really thorough work-up prior to starting treatment. They believe that the Anti-Mu.llerian Hor.mone test is much more accurate than F.SH. We're now wavering between CB clinic and this one - which is second in the L.ondon (and I think UK) clinic hit parade.

Question time was in front of the rest of the audience. I asked a few, but was a bit shy of coming out as having had so many go's. The talk leader said that after 3 try's your chances are v slim. I've managed not to fall to pieces at that news and i'm NOT going to reflect on it. We're going to make an appt with them to discuss our chances.

I had an inkling that this veneer of cool is only that. I have a fancy dress party to go to on Sat night. The theme is "What did you want to be when you grew up?". I think i'm grown up and i STILL don't really know! Call me an old whinger, but I really hate fancy dress. It's so much more stressful than just trying to fit into your too tight jeans and sexy top and plastering on some make up. I'd got into a real tizz about it! Other than Madonna - who I had and (if i'm honest) still have a huge admiration for, i'm not sure what I wanted to be other than tall, slim and blonde. I'm still none of them!

Anyway, i went to a fancy dress store for inspiration and had a total sense of humour failure. It was chaotic and the really rude receptionist was so unpleasant I was forced to have cross words with her. When I get angry it makes me cry. I hate it but that's what I do. I was red faced and close to tears but managed not to go there - which would have been SO humiliating. It did give me sense check on my mental state. I'm not sure stable people get quite so worked up in fancy dress shops...

Fortunately my anger passed and I made it to the trying-on section. They dont' do Madonna or Princesses - my second choice. The Medieval queen was shapeless. The sexy cowgirl (not sure i could have claimed to have always wanted to be a cowgirl, but thought i could say i'd like to have been Daisy Duke) was too revealing. I eventually threw caution to the wind and chose a Bunny Girl outfit I thought i could wear fishnets which hide a multitude of evils and the outfit has a little skirt so it's not just a leotard. However, my butt isn't like the one in the pic, so i'll have to stand close to a wall all night!

I'd offer to post pics but i'm already too ashamed! Mr G, on the other hand, can't wait for me to dress up!

Finally, when searching for "stressed" pics I found thisthought it might make many of you smile!

Been a busy couple of days.

Spoke to the lady at the N.HS clinic. She's had a cancellation and can fit us in for Dec/Jan now. She said - between her and me, if my pe.riod came in late November she'd have no issue with that. Great. But now we have a dilemma. We were going to go ahead with a cycle in October. I don't really want to delay for more than that. If we do a private cycle and it works, all well and good. If not, then we'd have to do two back to back....hmmm....Still, not tried that yet.

We're off to an open evening at another private hospital tomorrow night. They were full of prospective candidates but called today to say they'd had a cancellation. They're top of the pops here since CB clinic (is that the name I gave them?!) got pushed out of the charts. We'll see if they promise anything more exciting.

We were asked to appear on TV today! There's some survey coming out in the news tomorrow and they wanted Mr G and i on a news show to comment. We agreed but then later, Mr G changed his mind. I'd have done it, but i don't really want to become a career media infertile, so, on balance, I think he's right.

Oh, important news!!!!! A contact of ours has launche the first site dedicated specifically for men coping with infertility. He launched the site at the recent conference at Lyons. I checked it out and it's got all the stuff us girls get to share - notice boards, other people's stories and general support for our boys. The address is I still think it's in development, but do check it out and send your boys over for a look. Let everyone you know - it's there to help them!

I spent half of today at a huge food fair eyeing up and tasting the most fab and yummy food. It was three and a half hours of food heaven!

Right, i've got to go and fetch Mr G from the station. We've a strike on the Under.ground today and he's stuck at Pad.dington, bless....

So, lots going on and i'm smiling. Waiting for the fall, but i'll enjoy this sunny spell for the moment.

We have a future...adoption considered

That'll teach me for taking so long to finish off my last entry. In the time i've been away many of my Rocking Girl Bloggers have already been awarded their colours.

For the record, my choices are:

Meredith asking Someone Please Knock Me Up who's brave open and honest and up there with me in the age stakes

CAM and her Infertility Diary who's managed to see the positive side of life despite being surrounded by reproducing couples

Becks whose waiting for her Once Miracle Needed, a bright and bubbly addition to the IF blogging scene

Leah whose Tales from my Dusty Ovaries makes me laugh and gives me hope and whose advice and support has been invaluable

Forever Hopeful over at Wishing it would get easier another strong lady who deserves success

Amy R at When will you have kids who's another bright and bubbly blogger and a helpful and supportive reader.

All these girls have been there with kind words and a (virtual) hug during my time struggling with IF. I could mention loads more girls who've been my support over the last year or so. May we all make it to the other side! I'm sorry I can't link directly to their sites. I must sort out some blog training - from someone more technically able - a 10 yr old would probably be able to teach me!

I was going to finish off my holiday news, but i'm not sure there's much more to say about that, so i'll move on to more recent goings on.

Future:

We've decided to switch to with "Best Results Expensive Conveyor Belt Clinic" - which we'll refer to from now on as CB Clinic for our next try. I have a monitored cycle next month. They'll only go ahead with treatment if your FSH is less than 10. I just hope mine drops a bit and i'm taking Vit B6, Agnus Castae (when I remember), DHEA, Coenzyme Q10 and other vits to try to bring it down. I rattle when I walk! I'm also going to try acupuncture to see if that helps. Anyone know of any other stuff I can try?

To keep costs down, a friend (a Dr and fellow IVF-er) is going to do the NK cells and other blood tests I need. They'd be almost 1000 pounds at CB Clinic but she'll get them done for less than half the price. We're so lucky to have such kind people in our world.

We've told Dr Big Hair (our -now - old doc) that we're moving on. I told him he's the best Dr we ever have been treated by and we're really sad to be leaving him. He called and said he fully supports our decision and is there to help us whatever we need. He's going to get me some advice on DHEA and run the NK cell results past his colleague who's an expert in that field. We're so going to miss him.

Adoption:

I'm feeling really positive at the moment. I think it's because of a conversation I had on Friday. I met up with a girl who has 2 adopted children. She married at 25 and went through 5 IVF's in her late twenties. The first produced identical QUADS that she was told could not go to full term so they selectively reduced and lost them all. She had no more success and after 5 gave up. She knew she wanted to be a mum so started the adoption process the day IVF 5 failed. She eventually adopted a boy and later, a girl from Russi.a and is SO happy. She's in her mid thirties and she said she's now happy the IVF failed because if it hadn't then she'd never have found her two. She doesn't grieve having a child and loves her children so much she's brimming with it.

For the first time, i believe that we're going to be ok. If we can't make a baby then maybe we could adopt. It's ridiculously expensive and seems to take ages - 18 mths or more, but it's an option. There are so many thoughts in my head about it and there are loads more than this, but my initial thoughts are:

Minusses: Alway grieving not ever feeling a life growing inside me, not being able to tell Mr G and those I love that i'm pregnant, not seeing Mr G (or my family genes) in my child, not feeling like a real mother. Not to mention the cost and time to wait.

Plusses are: No (or at least far fewer) worries about a baby with disabilities, no stretch marks (no more that is), no dangerous pregnancy and childbirth. A real live baby at the end of all of this pain. (Of course, if we're found to be good candidates that is)

I still hope that cycle 4 is the one for us, that they can find out why 6 healthy embryos didn't stay with their mummy and that they make the next ones stick.

But if they can't and if they can't help us produce our own child, now I know that there is another option. I'm not ready to go there yet but now when I look at people with push chairs and buggies, at parents with toddlers, it doesn't have to hurt so much, now that I can believe that'll be us.

Oh, i've joined Wei.ght Watc.hers - for the third time in my life! I've tipped the scale at my heaviest ever and it's enough already. I'm starting to take control back.

I think that's all I have to tell for now. I was going to share some pics of a 3rd birthday party I catered recently, but Mr G's updated my i-photo and i can' t work it out. I've an episode of Brothers and Sisters to watch now so i'll be back with the pics - I hope!

xx

Rockin all over the world!

It's been so long since my last entry I actually started to put off writing.

When I got back from Spain I was too busy with work to even go near my laptop. I did check out a few of my girls to see how they were doing and lurked a little but didn't feel up to sharing my stuff yet. Once the work was out the way I was busy with some bad stuff that happened to one of my MindBody girls - more on that later. Then I just couldn't face diving back into IF world. In a funny sort of way perhaps I was pretending to be normal.

Anyway, I checked in today to catch up and found i'd been nominated by Becks as a Rockin Girl Blogger. Thanks so much Becks! Its been too long and i've missed all you girls. So much has happened - good and bad. I'll keep it to bullet points so I don't bore you all to tears!

* Spain was a great break overall. We stayed in a huge house in a really remote area. It was SO quiet, all you could hear was the sounds of nature. We went to bed early and were up to see the sun rise on several mornings. Mr G did end up working a lot of the time (meaning I read 4 novels) but there were times when we got to remember what we loved (love) about each other. We drank - probably a bit too much - wine and laughed loads. Here's a pic of where we'd sit and drink wine and of me striding around the hills trying to exercise....
see how deserted it is....

* N.HS appointment - we finally had our appt. Its taken 18 months to get that far. (For those not schooled in UK Healt.hcare, the N.HS (Na.tional Health Service) is supposed to provide free healthca.re for all. It doesn't work quite like that) Waiting lists are so long you end up moving to the private sector to get treated. Anyway, first they put us in a room with mothers and their screaming children to wait for 30 mins to see the consultant. Then, when we were called, the consultant - who we'd been told was a Mr was a woman. Only when I asked what was going on did she explain she was standing in for the proper consultant who'd had to be somewhere else. I'm embarassed to say that I lost it. We've waited EIGHTEEN MONTHS to see this doctor during which time my FSH has gone from 7 to over 12 and they couldn't even find a consultant to see us!

The stand-in lady said we could leave if we wanted but we decided to stay. She took some details - all of which she should have had. They'd lost Mr G's SA results - which had been taken at that hospital.

After 10 minutes the consultant appeared and the stand-in told him we weren't happy. He asked why and I burst into tears. I said - in a really embarassing teary way - how long we'd waited and how disappointed we were. He told the stand-in to refer us and to do some tests. He told us that my FSH meant our chances were "very slim", told me (still snivelling) to "be positive" and left. I HATE how desperate this whole situation has made me.

And it gets worse.... We went to see another lady who could tell us how long the waiting list for treatment is now we're finally on it. She told us the first slot she has for the borough we live in is next March. March 2008. I'll be 39 by then! I explained (no tears by now) that my FSH was shooting up and how old i'd be. She said she'd see if she could find a cancellation. WHO CANCELS IVF THEY'VE WAITED 2 YEARS FOR TREATMENT??!!! I'm not holding my breath. She'll let us know when she's back from her holiday next week.

If you're confused. I have already had th.ree cycles. Luckily we have the funds to pay for private treatment. We can't pay for indefinite treatment but we have managed to scrape together enough for this. If we didn't have any money then the N.HS would have stolen my last chance at trying for a baby. It stinks. Maybe i shouldn't even be taking this free cycle as i'm possible taking it from another girl who can't pay for any for herself.

The end result of all of this was two or three days of feeling totally in the depths. As we walked back to our car i had a huge lump in my throat and an empty hole in my heart. I'm just not sure how much more of this misery I can put myself through. I know I can't give up but it's just so painful.

That's enough for tonight - only so much I can inflict upon you in one go.

I'll write again tomorrow with my rockin girl bloggers xx

66 today

My father would have been 66 today. He died 4 years ago - about a month short of his 62nd birthday. Today, I went with my (half) sister and my uncle - Daddy's older brother to visit his grave, which is near the graves of my grandma and grandpa, his parents. It would have been grandma's birthday later this week.

I'd like to paint a rosy picture of our wonderful relationship but this is the place I tell it like it is, warts 'n all. Truth is we fought quite a lot. Bad stuff happened just before he died. He had married a lady who didn't like me very much. It made things very difficult between us.

Although Daddy and I WERE speaking at the end I was left with a lot of "stuff" and in a dark place. It took therapy and meeting my wonderful husband to get me through the next couple of years but this is never a great time of year. The way he left things means i'll never be able to forget what happened.

Having said all of that I still miss him every day and wish he was here. He was a handsome, generous and vibrant man who was a lot of fun and well liked by many people. They told me when he'd gone how proud he'd been of me. Wish he'd told me that.

Whilst i'm being miserable, a quick moan about my weight. I'm bigger than ever and, since the IV.F it now seems to sit around my middle. I've never carried my weight there before and it's the WORST! I'm about 20lbs heavier than I was at our wedding in Apr 06, but, however much I hate how I look and how my clothes feel, I still haven't found the will power to do anything about it. Every day I start with good intentions and a healthy bowl of fruit or porridge. Every night that will has evaporated in the face of whatever snack has hijacked me. I know it's down to me to do something about this but it feels like just one more unwelcome hurdle in.fertility has brought with it. I just don't seem to be able to do it. I AM exercising a bit though - a speedy walk or run/walk for 30 mins five or six times a week - so hopefully i won't get even heavier.

Anyway, enough self pity - which I think is possibly wrapped up in a dose of good old PMT.

On the brighter side, the wasp sting's all better and i'm getting through my work ready for our week away. We're taking a v early flight on Wednesday to Ali.cante. The house we're staying in is 90 mins from there. It's v remote and should be perfect for 7 days of total relaxation. I've lots of work bits to finish off tomorrow as well as a manicure and pedicure at the end of the day - looking forward to a bit of pampering.

Hope all goes well for those of you in treatment and those waiting for news find yourselves in a good place

xx

Ow, ow, OWWW!

I've just been stung by a wasp, I was quietly minding my own business, tapping away on my laptop out here in the garden in the fantastic sunshine we're basking in Lon.don and suddenly felt a sharp pain in my foot. I went to get up and saw a wasp hanging off me!!

I'm (embarassingly) petrified of insects - especially wasps - and wasn't sure whether I wanted to touch it, but it was hurting, so I pushed it off, leaving half of its rear end dangling off my (v attractive) bunion! Gorgeous picture i'm painting I know. I limped indoors and asked Mr G to help me get the sting out. We googled what you're meant to do and couldn't find much at all, so I tried to get the rest of the sting out. I think its gone but it flippin' hurts!

Mad, I can shove long needles in my belly without thinking twice, but a tiny wasp sting causes hysteria....go figure....

Not much else to report. Got the courage up to spend a few hours with a friend with a 10 mth old baby. I'd found her a bit insensitive so had given her a wide berth, especially during and after my last cycle. But friends is friends and thought i'd make the peace. (Hark at me after my gushing last post - what a fickle girlie I am!)

It was good to see her though, and we had a nice time, wheeling her little boy round the park and to another park - both of which were positively HEAVING with mothers and babies/children. I was ok but just before I left her to feed him, she was playing and tickling him making him laugh and laugh. It got to the point that she would even go to tickle him and he'd giggle. It was adorable and so heartachingly gorgeous that I had almost lost it. It really hurt.

At least she and I are friends again. During the afternoon she said she'd wondered if she'd done something wrong as she felt she had by how I was. I didn't really answer, just squeezed her arm. What can you say? I HAD been upset with her but how can you expect everyone to hide their joy and tread on egg shells around you? You can't. This is my stuff and i've got to deal with it.

Anyway. My foot hurts so I'm going to seek some soothing chocolate....xx

I love girls

Well, not in the carnal sense. It's just that I'm not sure I could get through this IF quagmire without the girls in my life.

I'm just home from my fortnightly meet up with some of the girls I met on the MindBody course. I'm all loved up with friendship and togetherness. Those girls are great. It's so good to laugh and chat with girls who "get it" and not those who are really trying to understand and making sympathetic noises. I know the latter type care, it's just that they'll never know how this feels.

So, thank you to them, to all you ladies in blogworld and to my Mum and my MIL who are so there and ready to listen.

I'm not sure i'd be able to get up every day without all of - and of course without my gorgeous Mr G - who's my rock

Bed time - it's way too late to be sitting at my desk doing an Oscar style acceptance speech. Perhaps i'm overtired...

I've sleep to get!

xx

Busy week

Thanks for all of your support ladies. You've been wonderful. I'm not sure how i'd be getting through some of these days without this network. Maybe one day i'll get to meet some of you.

Been a packed old week.

I've been teaching (cooking) monday, tuesday and wednesday and did some catering on Friday - hard work and HOT as the weather here has finally worked out it's summer! In between we had our follow up appointment with Big Hair.

Neither Mr G nor I were looking forward to our follow up appointment, to walking back into the clinic after a third failure. I felt like that after our first failed treatement but strangely was ok after the second time. This was as bad as it could have been. It was the night of the clinic's summer party and EVERYONE was in. Within minutes we saw the kindly receptionist, the counsellor we've had our counselling with, the nurse who did the most recent transfer, lovely Aussie sweetheart nurse and the girl who ran the Mind Body group.

It couldn't have been worse! They were all lovely, lovely, lovely. I got a hug from the transfer nurse and much kindness from all of them. They're all really upset for us. Thing is, I can deal with this stuff until someone's nice to me. Mr G knew I was in big danger of losing it. I just about held it together. Ridiculously, I feel like i'm letting them down too!

After a short wait, Big Hair appeared. First thing he says is "Why aren't you pregnant?". I said he should tell me! He thought the cycle went really well. Good lining, usual response, better transfer but still only 90 - 95% out of 100%. . He'd also have liked to see more eggs - that makes two of us! He has a gut feeling this is going to work for us - which is actually what the counsellor said too - but thinks that my low reserve means we'll need a few more goes to get there.

Our chances are down from 30% to 10-20% but then that's no surprise. He followed that by saying that it's actually either 0% or 100% - you're pregnant or you're not.

He sees that we have 3 options:

1. We go for the NH.S appt next and he's happy to advise us throughout by phone or email.

2. We go to another clinic - the Lo.ndon one with the best results. Again he'd be happy to mentor us throughout.

3. We do another cycle with him.
If we do stay with him, he'd do all the scans personally - for which he'd have to cross Lon.don each day to scan me at 8am to get back for his other clinic. Before the cycle we could test FSH and only do the cycle if mine is below 10 - as they do in Australia. He also said that if I want to get my NK (natural killer) cells tested, it's not his field but he'd show the results to a colleague who's expert in that area and we could try steroids if necessary. He'll also look into DHEA for me. (I didn't let on that i'm already taking it....naughty naughty)

He is just the nicest and kindest man and Mr G and I can't believe how dedicated he is. All he wants is for me to get pregnant.

Now we have to decide what to do. We're not going to make that choice until we've had our NH.S appt on 24 aug. If that cycle's likely to happen soonish, I think we'll go for that one. If it's free, we've very little to lose... If it's going to be a while then we'll see if it's Option 2 or 3. I'm not sure I can face walking back into that clinic to face the pity of the staff another time.

Oh, sorry this is is so long, but Big Hair let himself down by ending the consult with a mention of the dreaded ED - Egg D.onation.... He doesn't think it's for now and not for at least another few cycles, but it's now out there. I've done well to ignore its looming presence and i'm not going to think about it. I'm can't. We're going to make a baby with my dinosaur eggs. We just are!

Time to stop wittering - Mr G just said he thinks I write too much sometimes. For now, we're getting from day to day and putting IVF out of our minds for a while. We've booked a week in Spain in a week or so - more on that in my next post.

xx

Always gets me...

RIght after a failed cycle I feel fine. Even optimistic. Right after that I crash and burn.

My delay in posting has been partly due to more work than i've had in a while but largely down to my feeling totally and utterly low.

Three times. Three times i've climbed up the ladder of hope and three times i've crashed off it. I never ever thought i'd still be infertile after three goes at IVF.

This wasn't meant to happen.

We went into this thinking I was in great (reproductive) health. The only bar to our conceiving were the poor sad tails on Mr G's sper.m. All we had to do was propel them to my eggs and we'd have ourselves a baby.

Turns out it's not that simple. Turns out I was right to worry about my ticking biological clock. Turns out that despite my clear as a bell tubes, smugly sparkling uter.us and regular cycles my reproductive abilities ain't all they're cracked up to be. My shrunken ovaries have had the last laugh and (it seems) are pushing out less than useful eggs. Why else am I not able to retain even one of the six embryos Dr Big Hair has returned to my (not so) safe care?

Three was meant to be the magic number. For your first three tries you've a one in three chance of success. After that your odds are much reduced. How are we ever going to get us that baby?

I feel like a lead weight has landed somewhere just below my throat. There's a great big lump there that sometimes makes me sob and at other times just sits there. As i'm busy with work I can forget about the lump for minutes at a time but each time I remember i get a sinking feeling. It's similar to how I felt when Daddy died. I'm grieving and Mr G can't make it better because he's grieving too.

What did we do to be in this place? Did we do something wrong or treat someone badly? Are we bad people? Why are we the one in six or whatever statistic it is for infertile couples? Why are any of us stuck in in.fertile limbo here?

Even the sun - which is now shining after weeks of rain - can't shake me out of this place. I suppose it's just about timing.

I'm sorry for that long vent. I just needed to share where I am.

It hasn't all been misery. The wedding we went to at the weekend was really lovely. Beautiful bride, lovely setting, totally romantic. I drank champa.gne and w.ine and had a truly excellent evening. Mr G said it was like his wife was back. The alcohol numbed the pain and made me smile. I danced all night and hugged my darling boy. If it wasn't for the come down the next day, i'd consider taking up alcohol full time. As well as the alcohol, I drank coffee, ate ice cream and generally did all the stuff that has been banned for the last few months. On the Saturday, we had home made eclairs for tea at this hotel
Apart from my grey state there's no other news. Oh - we've an appointment with Big Hair for our follow up on Thursday and we've an appointment at the N.HS hospital for our free cycle. I'm not sure what tests they'll want to do but it may be that our next cycle is the free one! Question is...are we flogging a dead horse? Am I ever going to produce eggs that make babies? I've got to believe I can or I might as well curl up in my bed and stay there.

Sorry for the length of this post - well done if you made it this far.

Love and hugs for my girls who didn't get their BFP's this time. You'll get there girls. Hang on in there with me. Thank you so much for all of you who are and have been out there for me.

xx

Thank you

To all you ladies who've sent me virtual hugs, cake and sympathy - thank you. I really appreciate having you all there.

After a teary Wednesday, i'm actually ok today. I've been madly busy with work this week and had quite a few interesting new jobs come in. I'm feeling really excited about that side of my life. Weird that as one door closes (well, revolves once more really as it's not shut just yet) another opens. Perhaps we're just not allowed to have all parts of our life go well...

I had lunch with the editor of the newspaper I write for and he's pleased with my reviews, a new client has booked three lessons next week, i've been asked to manage another caterer's job next week too and i've also been asked to host a food book launch in October. All of this in a week!

I spoke to Big Hair (our Doc) yesterday. I'd texted him our news and he hadn't replied which was odd. I e mailed and he immediately responded and told me he'd fallen on his phone and had broken it so missed my message. He was disappointed as he'd felt I had a good cycle this time. He said that when you've a low ov.arian reserve (as I do) it can take a few goes to find the embryo that will stick. He made me feel like we can do this. Mr G and I are STILL IN THE GAME.

I've started the DHEA - no effects as yet - and am off to a wedding this weekend where I will mostly be drinking, dancing and having fun with my gorgeous husband. We've done too little of that lately. On Monday i'm going to go back to my healthy regime so next cycle's eggs have had a good run up and not a last minute desperate health kick as i did last time.

Please visit Meredith at Someone Please Knock Me Up - her negative beta is a real blow. Give her a hug.

See you after the weekend - good luck to those still in waiting xx

Sad

I'm so so so very sad.

AF (hate the term but it works in this case) has joined me in all her glory, that fat bird is warbling like a canary and I feel CRAP.

No kidding myself any more that those embryos are doing anything at all. Maybe they just don't like me.

At least i'll get some better nights sleep now. Haven't really slept well all 2WW. Be good to have my mind clear again.

I'm going to wallow (quite a lot) for a few days and eat cake. I'll see you on the other side.

xxx

Day 13p2dt - Knickerwatch Pt3

Just when I was starting to get hopeful. To allow myself those happy feelings of anticipation. The ones where your chest fills with happy thoughts of maybe, actually, perhaps carrying a child and of how you'll pass the happy news on to those you love and adore. How Mr G and I will be able to get back to being newlyweds instead of full time infertiles.

Just when I was calming down and getting my hopes up the dreaded spotting has begun. Got an extra day in on last cycle. At this rate - with an extra day or two each cycle - I reckon we'd need about 200 or so cycles before we managed to hold out until the full 9 months...

Apologies if tmi, but the spotting's still v brown and not yet scary red, but the last two goes have gone this way.

Also - and I hate to admit this - but i caved in and did not one but 2 HPT's. As i've gone pretty well straight to IVF i've not really been an HOT addict, but I can really see how it's possible to go there. I did one on day 10 and got the FAINTEST of lines. One you really had to squint to see. That gave me some hope but this morning I tried again and there wasn't even a hint or a whisper of a line. Niento. Nada. Nothing. I suppose i'll try one more - perhaps in a couple of days if i've not gone to full bleeding by then, but after that no more. Blasted sticks - they're evil.


Mr G and I have spent - what was one of the few gloriously sunny days of this summer's wash out - most of the day in grim silence with the occasional teary outburst from me. I've given up avoiding sugar - a bar of white choc (Green and Blacks) last night and a (really not v nice) ice cream today. What's the point or trying?

As soon as the fat lady has finally sung, this fat lady will sink a large glass of well chilled alcohol and indulge in a few large creamy caffe latte's.

Yesterday's buffet went really well. They loved the food and we stuck around for a while so i could stare at them eating and check all was well. Mr G thought my food looked great. He took some pics. Once i've seen them i'll stick some on here.

I'm so fed up. Beyond fed up. What have Mr G and I done to fail THREE TIMES at this stupid game. We're good people, i've taken all the right supplements, restricted all the required foods. I've had pins and needles stuck all over and in me, listened to hours of relaxing hypnotherapy and rested when told (more or less - perhaps that's the problem) but still we cannot make this work.

I'm SO not beaten. We've lots more to try and neither of us are ready to give up...not yet.

Good luck to those of you still in the game xx

Day10p2dt

Thankfully, the last five days have passed much more quickly.

The cramps have continued along with the back pain. The bosoms are still on their way down too. I'm on full time bosom watch, prodding them every half hour or so to see how tender they are! They do seem to be returning to normal.

BUT, despite all of that, I still have my hopeful moments and there's been no bleeding....yet. I lasted until day 12 last time and it's still only day 10. I'm reasonably calm and have lots to do to take my mind off things - for a few minutes at a time at least.

This week's been a busy one:

On Monday I was invited to join the Guild of Food Writers. I'm so pleased. I applied a few months ago and wasn't sure if they'd accept me. You have to have had your food writing published a certain number of times and the committee have to approve your work. They did! A nice piece of news.

I worked a bit too hard on Tuesday and was worried i'd overdone it. I taught 8 children to make pasta (ravioli) and meringues on Tuesday. I got home and had an hour on with my feet up and then had to rush off to help my caterer friend cook a dinner for 45 people in honour of David Ca.meron - one of our leading pol.iticians - so she was really stressed. It was really hard work - the kitchen was 2 steep floors up from the dining area. I had to go carry stuff up and down the stairs LOADS of times and was pretty exhausted by the end of the evening. I was worried i'd overdone it but I actually think either this IVF has worked or it hasn't and a bit of hard work isn't going to change that now.

Yesterday I had some major cramps and backache and went into full-on knicker watch - in between bosom prodding that is.

Today i've been cooking all day. I'm doing salads, dips and desserts for my best friend's BBQ on Saturday. I've given her a Moroccan themed menu.

Mr G and I will deliver it all on Saturday morning. She lives about 2 hours away from me, so it'll be a half day by the time we've got there and back. I wasn't sure if I should do the work during my 2WW, but its been good for me to concentrate on something other than my stomach cramps and chest. I'll post some (boring) foodie pics when the food's done.

Hope all my co-ladies in waiting are doing ok.

xx

Halfway, but don't get your hopes up

It's not looking good.

For both my previous cycles the arrival of spotting and a full on period were preceded by obvoius boob shrinkage and total lack of breast tenderness - even when prodded hard to make sure. There was also a nagging pain in my lower back and some tummy cramps as well as the end of the (unwanted to sort of comforting) prog.esterone-caused constipation. By Day 10/12 it was all over.

Well, let's run through the sympton list:

Shrinking and less tender b.osoms ? Check (and i'm prodding them (discretely) at regular intervals)
Lower back ache? Check.
Periody like tummy cramps? Check
Con.stipation gone? Check
Cycle 3 going down in flames? Check, Check, Flippin' Check.

I'm hanging on to some flimsy shred of hope that it's so early - day7p2dt - that maybe the lower back pain is a pg thing, but I think not.

I've wasted much of this morning reading blogs and obsessing over this, but the best thing I can do is get on with my work and let Mother Nature take her course....

I almost didn't post this because i'm sure you'll all tell me it's way too early to be giving up and that the good old fat lady (who after this cycle is probably me) hasn't sung yet. But you sort of know these things if you're honest doncha girls?

Mr G and I wlll have to decide what to do next. I think our gorgeous Dr Big Hair's time is up. We'll have to move on to pastures (and stirrups) new. A whole new fleet of nurses and doctors to mess around with my bits and give us new ideas on how to get this baby we want.

I really do hope i'm wrong, but....what more can I say? I'm not sure I believe this stuff will ever work for us.

xxx

How slowly can 5 days go?!!!

Well, there's not a lot going on in my neck of the woods.

It all feels a bit samey really. Been here before and it hasn't ended v well either of those times.

There's a dialogue between my old friends (who you may have met in my 25 June entry) Hopeful Hattie and Pessimist Patsy that goes something like this:

PP: So, here we are again. 4 eggs/2 embryos is EXACTLY the same score as IVF2. Why should this time be any different to that one when we crashed and burned in flames.

HH: Well, things ARE a bit different actually. There was no down reg so we went into the stims feeling much more normal and healthy. There were only about 10 days of hormonal drug hell....AND the transfer went really smoothly

PP: But it's the same crappy old eggs that we're churning out and they were started growing 3 months ago when we were in the middle of our 'post-failure alcohol/caffeine/sugar fest'. Yeah - (with sarcastic tone) they'll be much better WON'T THEY?!!

HH: But, Miss Misery, why do fertile couples take months to conceive sometimes. What's different for them each month? Some months it's just the right egg and sperm that get together. This could be our month!

The two of them just keep on bickering back and forth and Pats is the stronger of the two, no matter how many times I try to push her out of my head.

I've generally felt a bit disconnected this time. A bit weird really - can't explain it better than that. I'm having massively stressy dreams though and waking up at 5ish (to Mr G's grunting snores - sorry darling I know I snore too) and lying there worrying about how tense I must be. Which embryo would want to move into this stressed out ut.erus?!!

Seems to be the longest 5 days of my life so far and there's 9 more to get through! Never mind, i've lots of work this coming week and that'll keep my mind occupied.

Watched an ok film last night to take our minds off things Mr G liked it better than me. I was disappointed that the main couple were blessed with two gorgeous children. I'm pathetic for even being bothered. I get more bitter and twisted with each passing day! We joked we should have gone into the DVD store and asked for a film about happily child free infertiles!

Oh, last bit of news before I get to work on this week's restaurant review. My bro has a store in Syd.ney. He was called at 6am by his alarm people reporting multiple intruders. He hotfooted it down there to find police and fire engines galore. The dishwasher had spontaneously burst into flames and the store was in flames!! He sent some pics of the fire trucks
Nightmare but thank goodness for the firemen! They wouldn't let him in at first in case he'd done it himself. Luckily there was CC.TV of the dishwasher exploding into fire! Just glad all are ok and that they have some insurance. They were due to go on hols this week, but have had to postphone. I called and spoke to them and my gorgeous neice and nephew both told me they loved me. I must be so Pro.gesteroned up it made me cry!

Hope all you ladies in waiting are going well. Thinking of you xx

And now we wait....

I'm lying on my sofar watching cookery programmes on tv. Gary Rhodes is making luscious desserts. In the kitchen, Mr G is labouring away making a healthy supper for us both. I've even been back to bed for about an hour - unheard of for me - Miss Busybody-Non-Stop Activity".

My world is peaceful. This is one of the good times in IVF, the post transfer high. The worries haven't set in and all is good.

We met the acupuncturist at the clinic. He was all suited and booted - bless. It was heaving with people there today. Waiting room full, operating suite - where they do egg collection also full and a queue for transfers! After a short wait we went down to the operating suite and I had the first acu session lying on a trolley! Despite the surroundings it was pretty relaxing. He put the needles in and talked me through a relaxation.

True to form Big Hair (our doc) was 30 mins late. (He's so forgiven as he'd been racing around - first thing doing an egg collection at my clinic then off to his other clinic and then back to me to do my transfer) Whilst we waited I sat in a v comfy easy chair and chatted to the acupuncturist - who's doing a study with a big London hospital to prove acupuncture helps and who wants to build a hospital where complementary therapies work next to traditional medicine. He's done 15 pre and post sessions with patients at my clinic. I was proud of myselfr for not asking the success rate - would only have wound myself up worrying if it wasn't 100%.

I felt like a VIP when the nurse (one of my favourites) came to get me for transfer. I was escorted up to the transfer room. Big Hair and Mr G (who'd been waiting for me up there) were waiting - all smiles - and in we went. After we'd confirmed we were who we were meant to be we got on with it. It all went smoothly. Big Hair was pleased with how smoothly he managed to get the catheter in.

After a bladder empty it was the next acu session. This time, on the bed i'd had the transfer on. I even dropped off a few times. It was excellent. He left two "seeds" (tiny needles) in my ears for me to press if (if?!) if get stressed.

Mr G drove home snail-like and (despite a Lo.ndon incident right next to us where a bike courier smashed off the mirror of a bus because it had cut him up) i've stayed pretty calm.

Thank you all for your lovely comments. It's meant so much to me to know you're all out there cheering me on. I hope I can be of as much support to you girls.

Good luck you other ladies in waiting xx

update

I'll keep this short as you've just had to endure the longest post in the world....

The clinic rang. One egg wasn't suitable for fertilisation. Three fertilised. One of those fertilised abnormally but TWO have come through with flying colours. Phew. We have two embryos to be returned tomorrow. I'd have liked one to join my frostie in the freezer, but I'll be happy to welcome back the two we have got tomorrow.

I'm immensely relieved but if i'm honest - a little disappointed and sad. I know I should be grateful for 2, but the perfectionist in me wants better than 50%. I've always done much better than that (in life if not in IVF) but as Mr G told me - this isn't an exam and you can't treat it like one. If we get a 50% return on our implantation, we'll have a baby. Aren't men just so logical.

Transfer tomorrow at 1.30pm. I've booked an acupunturist to come treat me at the clinic, so I can lay there post transfer and relax. My Mum asked me about the Car.diff Uni research dissing alternative treatments which was in all our papers yesterday. I don't believe it - it seems fairly flawed and not overly helpful - but I hate the doubt it plants in my mind. As acupuncture has helped get my body ready for this cycle i'm going to stay with it.

Oh, meant to mention that egg collection took place on the fourth anniversary of my Daddy's death. He died before I met Mr G which makes me sad and I miss him every single day of my life. He died way too young at 61 - he was so fit and vital. Pancreatic cancer took him from us in just 14 weeks from diagnosis. It's an evil disease. I wish he was here now. I'd normally go up to his grave on his anniversary, but I hope he'll understand why I couldn't make it yesterday and I really hope he'll do all he can to help his grandchild into this world. I miss you Daddy.

xx

Anxious

Thank you all for your good wishes. I didn't turn on my laptop yesterday as I felt a bit knocked out from the anaesthetic.

I'm sitting at my desk in my home office trying not to look at the clock, to take deep breaths and to keep my mind on anything but "do we have any embryos?" They've normally rung by now.....

So, to keep our minds off things, I'll run you though yesterday:

Mr G and I get up at 8, get ready - no lotions and potions, no make up and no deodorant - and set off for the clinic. It's sunny and we take the roof down in his sporty little convertible. The sun on my face is gorgeous. Early Sunday morning is normally a great time to cross London, but last Sunday was dreadful because they'd closed lots of streets.

Yesterday, the To.ur de France was kicking off in London, so we knew it'd be bad. We probably should have left more than our usual 35 mins to get there. After our usual dispute over the route (which couple doesn't argue about which way to go?!) we decided to go east and try to cross the river in the City. What we didn't know - and should have checked - was the City was exactly wheret the flippin' To.ur was going. We got to the bridge we wanted to cross and there was a police road block. Apparently the next bridge was also closed. It was, by now, 9.45. I should've been at the clinic by 9.30 and the EC was due for 10am. I was just a little stressed. We called the clinic to see how long I had (bearing in mind the trigger was timed for EC at 10am) and they said get there asap.

With nowhere to park in the very security conscious City, we decided i'd get out and cross the river on foot and Mr G would get there as soon as he could in the car. I tried to think calm thoughts and actually admire London in the sunshine - the Thames and buildings on its banks looked spectacular. I arrived at about 10.

Our doc - Dr Big Hair had not even arrived himself! So much for the panic. I changed into my gorgeous surgical gown and answered the usual questions. The anaesthetist - tall sombre, Russian man - asked me lots of questions. They checked my vitals and I sat down to wait. There were 3 of us in for EC. One came out of recovery and one went in as I waited. Then Big Hair showed up - bless him! The nurses were v impressed he was in for me at the weekend. He and I chatted and then Mr G pitched up at about 10.40 - relieved he hadn't missed me.

(JUST CHECKED CLOCK AND THOUGHT AGAIN - WHY HAVEN'T THEY CALLED ME YET??!!]

I was nervous, but then, having done this 3 times now, it's all starting to be quite normal.

I must have gone in at about 11. I joked a bit with the lovely nurse and anaesthatist - who warmed up a bit. Woke up with that lovely cosy "what a good sleep i've just had" feeling. Apparently i'd already talked to Mr G, who'd popped his head round the door before he went to do his end of the bargain. I'd said - in my drug-hazed stupor and in front of the nurses and Dr's - "Go and do your stuff darling". I'd even pulled off my oxygen mask to do it. I have no memory of that! Mad! I just remember Big Hair coming in to tell me we'd managed FOUR EGGS! Sorry for putting you through that long story to get there. [I NEED TO KEEP BUSY OR I'LL BURST WITH WORRY] Phew - four big follies, four eggs.

I chatted to the nurse in recovery - giving her recipe tips fo couscous and marmalade chicken - how sad am I. She told me she loves her job but hates it when a girl wakes up from collection with no eggs. I was so glad to have my four, but now i'm scared none of them have fertilised!! [WHY HAVEN'T THEY CALLED ME YET - I'M GOING MAD HERE!]

I was last into the unit and the nurses were keen to get on with their Sundays, so they rushed me out of the unit. We drove home - all roads open now - with the roof down. We stopped to pick up my antibiotics - not sure why they dont' keep them there as we all need them - and some nice food. Then I sat on the garden with the Sunday papers and tea and enjoyed the brief sunny spell. There was (I kid you not) a Sumo wrestling tournament in the park behind my flat, so my peace was ruined by loud Japanese talking and wailing coming at me over the PA. It was an awful racket.

I"m back on the pessaries - how much do I hate those - and they're already bunging me up. Joy.

So, my roller coaster high of egg success has quickly turned into worry at the silence from the em.bryology dept at our clinic. Seems you clear one hurdle and you're straight into the lead up to the next.

Please, please, please let us have at least one embryo. I'll update this post with the news. Off to find something else to occupy myself with xx

Trigger tonight

Well, my follies have dragged themselves to the end of the week.

The day four scan (thurs) showed some slight movement with the bigger follies and third in line but the tiddlers pretty well refused to move. Only one had moved from 10 up to 11/12. The nurse reckoned we'd be up for the trigger on thursday night, but my Doc - Dr Big Hair - who'd just arrived back from the big fertility conference in France - said we'd go another night. I was pleased, because i was not happy about going into egg collection with only 3 large follies.

Today, the three biggies were all above the line - each in their 20's - and guess what....the 12 mm-er had shot up the graph with an overnight growth spurt and had joined them! I've now got four up there and ready to rock and roll! I'd got up and put my jeans back on when the sonographer (proper name for scanner operator) was marking up her chart. She was so surprised she made me drop them again so she could double check! I was so pleased. Pitiful really - such excitement at my sad tally of eggs. Amazing last minute spurt from that follie - wonder if it was the acupuncture or the gallons of water I drank yesterday?

Anway, i've already done my Men.opur and Cet.trotide for today and i'm shoot.ing up for the last time this cycle at 11pm. Egg Collection is booked for 10am on Sunday morning. Gorgeous Kiwi Sweetheart nurse told me Big Hair would be in himself. She said they NEVER see him at the weekend so I must be special if he was coming in to do it. I'm actually feeling excited.

Please, please let this be the one for me.
Let this be my time.
Let it be me on the right side of the percentages.
Please let me have earned the right to my baby
I've done everything I can...and more...all I can do is keep going and hope.

Still...we've still got to get those eggs out, get them fertilised and get them back in. A bit early for my pleas perhaps.

I celebrated with a supermarket sweep around Wai.trose - my favourite supermarket - where I bought loads of my favourite (healthy) foods. Lots of summer berries, nuts and raisins and some flowers to cheer up the flat. We'd been to the farmer's market near the clinic and bought some fresh sardines and med veg to griddle for supper. We're both feeling a bit lazy so we might just end up eating a pizza we've got in the freezer - we can do healthy sardines tomorrow.

I felt sad reading some of your posts this week. Some of you are where I was only a few weeks ago. Reality and Forever Hopeful moved me in particular. I'm thinking of you both and sending you a big hug. I know just how you feel and you both wrote from the heart. I wish we all could be in a different place and not going through any of this. Lots of love to you both and to anyone having a hard time this week.

Good luck to the cyclers too xx

...and...

...drum roll................................ta daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Today's scores are.....................almost exactly the same as yesterday!

Only one follie has done anything overnight. One of the tiddlers has moved up a little.

Thanks for yeseterday's comments girls - i'm not actually too riled as today's scanner operator was "Day Two - just can't get your name right" woman and i'm not really sure about her accuracy. As a Leah and Bea said, it's most definitely an art. How on earth do they know which one they've measured? They all look the same to me!

E2 levels continue to rise and I haven't lost Monster Foll off the top of the graph, so i'm cool. It would actually be quite convenient if we could hold egg collection until the weekend anyway.

A little corner of my mind - currently gated shut with a big "Enter at your own risk" sign in front of it - is worried about this plateau but i'm just not going there. Perhaps it's like weight loss - you lose and lose and then, whatever you do, you can't shift those last few pounds. Maybe those follies are really trying to grow, and will suddenly burst through the plateau.

I went from this morning's scan straight to my acupuncture session where I hope the follies got a burst of growing power.

Then I went on to lunch with my folks and aunties and uncles (2 of each) for one of my uncle's birthdays - born on the 4th of July. Happy birthday to him and Happy Independence day to all you girlies accross the water!

Lunch was GORGEOUS - one of my favourite restaurants - Odette's in Primrose Hill. Here's a pic taken from the web:



The chef - Brynn Williams (bad pic off internet) is lovely - he's a bit of a media chef here, on and off television. He came over to talk to us but I had to run off and couldn't chat.

The bread - four different types all fresh and chewy - was gorgeous. They brought a pre-starter shot glass of pea soup with a tiny goujon of hot, crumbed fish and a v thin anchovy flavoured shard of bread. I had a seared tuna nicoise to start - also really, really good - and then John Dory fillet (wrapped in crispy potato straws that made it look like it was wrapped in some sort of cocoon) which was served on a bed of crushed, minted peas and then a vanilla pannacotta served with strawberries marinated in basil syrup as well as fresh strawberries and some strawberry coulis. It was all really, really tasty and good to look at. At £17 for 3 courses, it was also good value. My appetite remains extremely healthy.

What was really lovely was being with my mother, her brother and sister and their spouses. I love their company and we laugh a lot. Mr G had to work which was a shame as we missed him.

Going to hot water bottle it now and try to devote some energy to egg growing. Good luck you girls on a cycle

xx

forwards...and backwards...

I'm sitting with my feet up and a hot water bottle on my tum. It's 4.30pm and i'm feeling very guilty that i'm not at my desk. This is so hard. Feeling like I should be working, but also that I should be giving this my very best shot. I'm lucky I work from home and can take the chance to relax but it leaves me feeling a bit of a slacker.

I've now had 3 scans which are showing bizarre scores:

Day 1: 5 follies - the largest at 16mm and lining at 9ish. Ce.trotide begins. WHAT a big needle that has!! MUCH bigger than the one I use on my normal syringes, and no, I didn't get mixed up and use the needle you're meant to use to mix the meds! In the rush to plunge I used that fat boy needle anyway but found out later that I can use my fine needles in the Ce.trotide syringe.


Day 2: Oddly, no sign of the 16mm follie, only a 14mmish follie out in front and my lining has dropped to 8ish...
........uh?

I seem to be going backwards!! Weird, but optimistic me thinks "ok, no problem, i don't want the big ones getting too big before their little teeny tiny siblings can catch up".

Day 3: Return of the big follie - which is now showing up at a healthy and over the "ready to mature" line 18mm. My lining's back up to the high 9's - almost 10.

3 scans, 3 scan operators, 3 different scores. A little bit worrying as tomorrow I have the lady who did Day 2. I just hope she's accurate....She pronounces my name wrong every time I see her. If she can't get my name right how am i meant to trust her scanning abilities!!

Never mind. I'm feeling ok - this is the "up" part of the roller coaster. I'm taking action and hope's high. I've 8 follicles now. More than i've ever had before. 4 aren't likely to grow as they're teeny weeny and idling around on the baseline, but it's good to know that they're actually there. Makes me wonder if a higher dose (i'm on 300 - 4 vials of Menopur) would push some more though.... I'm really hoping I can manage a harvest of 5 eggs or so - that'd be great. Just so long as they're of good quality.

I'm eating lots of protein and drinking so much water and herbal tea that I can hear it all sloshing around in my belly when i move quickly! I sound like a hot water bottle.

Time to get back to work. Good luck to the other cycling girlies. Hope your follies are growing well.

xx

ps

My last post was my 70th! Goodness how they mount up. I'm racing towards my century.

Forgot to pass on another success story. My mum rang to tell me about the daughter of a friend of my auntie (keep up) who has just got a BFN on her 12th (TWELFTH) attempt!! She has ageing issues and a hubbie with sperm probs - not sure what. Anyway, on this try they both visited a kinesiologist. I'm not exactly sure what that is, but I do know that quite a few people have had success after trying kinesiology and this worked a charm for them.

I think there's a danger in trying too many things - just gets confusing and is probably more stressful - but if all else has failed....maybe this will help someone.

Good luck all of you cycling

xx

ps: there's an international fertility conference this week in Lyons. Our doc's off there and i'm sure there'll be lots of news about all things IVF in the media

Phew....

...i've got something to show for the last 6 days of jabs. I was trying to be positive, but the last two FSH tests had made me nervous that i'd be all outta eggs. Problem with this stuff is you have absolutely NO idea of what's going on in there.

I've been STARVING all week - hoped that meant I was growing something - apart from another spare tyre. I understand why the weight goes on now. Tried to keep it healthy this time and not pig out on my new favourite treat - Pret a manger chocolate biscuit bars.

Anyway, enough suspense. I've managed 5 follicles, which is more than I managed at the same stage last time. Not a lot for most people, but as good as can hope for so i'm delighted. Just hope to gather a couple more and that they all keep growing....

Mr G said afterwards that he was worried we'd have a "neel pwaan" (nil points - Eurovision Song contest reference for my US girlies who may not get it). We were both so relieved that we had a lovely, top of the IVF rollercoaster day. We saw my fave nurse at the clinic - Kiwi Sweetheart - one of the v few switched on ones. She told me to start the Cetrotide tonight - a second injection that will slow things down, as one of the follies is almost at the line already.

We ate breakfast and read the Sunday papers at a place called Canteen on the South Bank and then went home via Selfridges (my favourite department store) and the huge Marks and Spencer next door. After the last few days of failed bombs and the attack on Glasgow Airport, there are a loads of police vehicles, cordons and fire engines racing around. It's a bit worrying, but so far, the terrorists have been reassuringly rubbish. I just hope none of them succeed.

Now, i'm at home watching the Princess Diana concert. It's HUGE and a lot more of an event that i'd imagined it'd be. Well done the Princes for getting it up and running. Amazing how much impact she had on so many people.

I start Cetrotide tonight and they think i'll be heading for egg collection towards the end of this week. HOW much better is this short protocol. It's so much quicker and seems (this far) to work as well. Not going to get my hopes up - a week's a long time in IVF world but today there's more hope than yesterday that I might get to transfer again. Fingers crossed

xx

Had to share this with you all...

No news on the cycle just yet. 2 injections down. Will know how my ovaries are doing on Sunday after my first scan. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, I was talking to one of my Mind Body mates just now. She's one of our two success stories (so far) and is passing her unused Menopur to me (bless her) and we were arranging to meet up to do the drug drop. We're not doing it until next week now but I finally found out the full story of her pregnancy today.

This is a real "hope for us all" tale and the sort we all should read.

She did 8 IUI's (all neg) and then one full IVF cycle also BFN. She was starting to feel she had an implantation issue and wanted a laparoscopy. Her doc said to try a FET first. Of the embryos they got out of the freezer, one good second class level embryo defrosted fine. The other - a second and not first class embryo - didn't defrost properly, I think 2 cells only of 4 came through. They put them both in anyway. During her 2WW she started bleeding and cramping. She did a test because she was told too and it was positive! She went on holiday - already booked - and was paranoid whilst there as she was still bleeding and cramping. That went on 3 weeks. Back from hols her 2 betas were good news and she remains 12 weeks pg. I love a story like that.

I'm trying to stay positive - that's helped loads - but a monster row with MR G last night (whilst injecting!) hasn't helped. Gotta hope those follicles are nosey enough to come out to see what all the fuss is about...! My eyes are SO red and sore! Maybe you need a blow out every so often just to clear the air. Not sure the timing was too great though.

I've some beautiful peonies that look and smell gorgeous and make me happy each time I see them. Here's a pic of one of them .
I've also just changed my desktop wallpaper to a pic of the waterlily pond in the Botanical Gdns in Mauritius - where we spent our honeymoon. It makes me calm just looking at it. Something about the stillness of it. Hope you like it too



Must go and listen to my hypntherapy CD now before I go off to teach lawyers how to cook!

xx

Finally...we're off!

Today's Day 28 of this month's cycle and now Day 1 of IVF cycle 3.

The long awaited period has graced me with its presence. I'm not sure of the etiquette of referring to periods as opposed to AF, but I didn't grow up using that terminology and i'm not about to start now! My cycles have lengthened since we started this IVF malarky and I'd just negotiations with my inner voice. We'd had a few chats that went something like this...

HOPEFUL HATTIE: "Well, I NEVER normally go as long as 28 days. I don't have any major PMT symptoms. Maybe i'll just dig out the second POAS kit from the last failed cycle"

PESSIMIST PATSY: "Don't be ridiculous, you've been so stressed and angsty the last month and be realistic about those sperm. They're not likely to make it. You'll just upset yourself"

HH "But you've heard all the miracle stories from other people. Those girls about to start a cycle and they find out they've struck lucky without an artificial hormone in the house; AND you've bought all those drugs - that's just tempting a natural result. Why shouldn't it be your turn. How mad would that be?!"

PP "Get over yourself. Things like that don't happen to you. You know the score. You've had no symptoms of pregnancy. Step away from the sticks!"

I had the last little chat whilst leaving the supermarket car park just now. When I got home the latest TP Tango evidenced my continuing infertile status. Never mind.

I'd bought all the drugs and i'm ready to rock and roll. I'm back into my meditating and am feeling pretty healthy and ready to give it my best shot....again.

I've scan number one tomorrow 9.45am and then i'm sure it'll be back to the injections tomorrow night. Hooray!

...............................................................................................................................................................................................

Saturday's party was pretty dire. I spent much time hiding in the kitchen from the rest of the guests. Most had one or more children - more than a few new(ish)borns and several were pregnant with even more. It was really, really hard. Still, I stuck it out, wowed them with my food and smiled and chatted like I didn't care. I even made it home intact and without the urge to bury my head under my duvet and sob for a week.

Mr G and I were so relieved to be away from the chaos of children screaming that we had a gorgeous evening watching Series 2 of 24 - yeah I know - where've we been?! - and generally enjoying the peace and calm of our flat. I know we desperately want a noisy creature to share our lives with, but I really think we have to try to enjoy this time of just the two of us. Our freedom to loll around, please ourselves and just "be".

We're feeling pretty loved up at the moment and instead of moping after an afternoon being reminded of our barren-ness, both jsut felt lucky with our lot. To have each other really.

We continued our smug married (gotta be smug about something) theme weekend with a long and lazy lie-in on Sunday followed by breakfast with the papers at a local cafe. Perfect. We finished off the weekend with a trip to see a Medium show (a guy called Colin Fry and another medium) at the Hackney Empire. These guys claim to talk to the spirit world and then pass messages to the audience. Mr G's v sceptical, but I really thought there was something in it. Too long to tell the tales here, but he spoke to quite a lot of people about loved ones they'd lost. Their reactions and what he said seemed so plausible that it made me think there could be something in it. If he'd put my Daddy (who died almost 4 years ago) in touch i'd have been totally convinced.

Anyway, if my father could pull some strings and get a baby sent our way this time, i'd be really, really grateful.

Good luck to all of you in your cycles right now - and I DO mean that!

xx

Am I a horrible person....

...or was I?

I found out today that one of my London IVF buddies has again failed - 5th time around. I'm truly, truly gutted. I so wanted it to work for her and her hubbie this time. It's just so unfair! She's had a previous BFP but it ended in a miscarriage with one in her uterus and a second ectopic embryo that they didn't find until she was in major pain. If she's managed one BFP surely she can do it again?! I've told her to go home, have a big drink and be good to herself this weekend. She's going to go for a FET in August, so there's some hope but really...it sucks.

It all seems so random. Just luck really.

I hate to admit this - and I almost deleted this post because i'm ashamed of myself - but when I first started out - and don't hate me for this - I think I was scared of other people getting a BFP. I didn't wish failure on them, but was sort of relieved when they got a BFN. I didn't have to pretend to be happy whilst thinking "what about me". I can't justify it nor would I want to, but the only way I think i can understand my nastiness was perhaps a (subconscious) feeling that (statistically) there was limited luck to be had and if they failed maybe I wouldn't. I hated that about myself, but it was just sort of there.

I'm so relieved that now (thank goodness) those nasty feelings have vanished. I now genuinely, genuinely want all of us to succeed. I was almost as upset as my friend today. It's like it happened to me. Perhaps I'm a bit pre-menstrual and pre-cycle but I still really felt it. I need some cheerleaders for success in my life to prove this works. Of course there's the online girlies but somehow, knowing someone and seeing it with my own eyes would help.

Anyway, that was just a short confessional. Mea culpa. I've got to go and do my Preparation for IVF Hypnotherapy CD. It's really relaxing. It's from a company called Natal Hynotherapy. I really recommend them for a listen. We'll have to see how well the CD works...

I'm off to the party from hell tomorrow. 40 adults....and their children. I'd rather chop off my hand - with my own chef's knife. If I wasn't taking food to help out the party thrower - an old friend but recent(ish) new mum with zero sensitivity to my IF - i'd cry off. I'll drop off the food and stick around a v short time and then go home and lick my wounds! All those smug babied-up folk. I MUCH prefer mixing with the childless or at the very least those with kids old enough to have left home!

Oddly, i've had real trouble with the food i'm making. My brownies are like rocks and the choc chip cheesecake has broken in half. I'm doing new brownies tonight and i've managed to stick the cake together and ice it so you'd never know. Here's the cake on my kitchen table:



I'm sure that if I cook without love for my intended recipients then that's when my recipes fail. Maybe you put so much love into food, if it's not there then the food isn't so great. I've also made 4 Goat's Cheese, black olive and caramelised onion tarts. Here's one - sorry it's just wrapped in foil ready to transport:




and a huge persian couscous salad.



Easiest salad in the world - and gorgeous. Have a great weekend all you girls (and boys) who are almost certainly nicer than me!

xx

Another drug delivery

The doorbuzzer went at 7.30am and I took delivery of our third consignment of IVF drugs. It was actually a bit cheaper this time - only £735(!) - because of the few bits left over from the last cycle. I have so much Cyclogest (Progesterone bullets) I almost didn't need any more at all. I'm also picking up bits of leftover drugs from the gorgeous and very kind girls who've crossed the border to Pregville.

The last two times i felt excited when the drugs arrived and I could unpack them into my fridge/bathroom. This time I just felt low. How many more times will I do this?

At breakfast I started the last sheet of my folic acid tablets. I bought a bumper (3 for 2 deal) supply and its nearly all gone. I remember buying my first pot. I think I also bought 3 for 2 and wondered if i'd need them all....that was nearly two years ago.

I bought Mr G another huge pot of his "VitaMens" yesterday at my acupuncture appointment. I wonder how much we've spent on pills, potions, alternative therapies, blood tests and other fertitlity related stuff, not to mention the £15,000 ish we've already spent on treatment.

We're both a little weary of all of this. Part of me wonders if it's all worth it but (at the moment) a larger part of me doesn't want to give it up. What if this is the time it actually works for us? I can't imagine jumping off the wagon unless i'm pushed.

I've had a quick read of some of your blogs. Forever Hopeful and Reality seem to be in a similar place to me. Feeling the pressure. I think i'll keep Forever Hopeful's 14 June account of life with IF to show my friends how this feels. She got it spot on.

We've just got to keep going and hope that we get lucky. I seem to be a lucky charm for others. Every time I cycle wtih someone they get pregnant! Heather at Desperately Seeking Baby - who I did my first cycle with - safely delivered her twins a week or so ago - lovely news. My cycle buddy in my Mind body group is also now 15 weeks pregnant. I just hope my time comes.

...........................................................................................................................................................................................


On a less negative note, I had a great work week last week. I catered a canape party for 24, 21 yr old girls. My sushi, mini frittata, thai chicken salad in cucumber cups, mini cheese and herb samosas, pizza palmiers, mini moroccan meat balls, mini salmon and dill tarts, babaganoush and crudites went down a storm.

I also did a dinner party for 16. Canapes, veg tagine, with couscous, harissa dressing and paprika, lemon and cumin chicken skewers followed by home made cinnamon ice cream and spiced fruit salad with shortbread biscuits. I was on my feet for 4 solid days and by half past midnight on Saturday night had feet that were SO sore! I had an image of throbbing - you know like they do on old Tom and Jerry cartoons when they've been hit by a big hammer of something. I felt so good though - everyone loved the food and I felt it had all been worth it.

My lovely Mummy came and cooked with me all day Thursday. Just as well, as I took a call from the NHS tall thin Dr to tell me my FSH has gone up EVEN FURTHER! Darn, darn, darn! I'd hoped the 11. 8 was a blip but the 12.6 new score just underlined the march of time. I stayed cool and then lost it and had a big cry and a Mummy hug. Bless her. She can't make it better, but nothing beats a Mummy hug and a kiss.

I've sent for DHEA - ordered by a friend from the US - just in case this treatment isn't the one. I'll take it for 3 months before the next treatment IF I NEED TO! Thanks all of you for sharing DHEA info. V Useful.

I'll be starting my cycle any day soon. I'm on day 23 of my cycle and generally go 24 - 28 days. So, within the week i'll be back on the wagon of hope. WIll be interesting to see how I do on the short (flare) protocol....

Good luck to all cycling now xx