Pam and George

I'm not sure if i've mentioned this before, but i've unofficially adopted an old couple. Coming hot on the heels of my "Grandpa John" post this is going to sound like they're Grandparent surrogates. They're not.

The story began back around Xmas time. Mr G and I were out on long walk. We do a lot of walking and, as we live, reasonably close to the centre of London and so some beautiful parks, we use the weekend to go places on foot.

Anyway, about 5 minutes after leaving home, we passed an old lady struggling with heavy shopping. One bag suspended on a walking stick on wheels and the other in her hand. Mr G (who's actually much more thoughtful than me) turned to me and said should offer to help? We hummed and hah-ed for a minute or two and then went back to offer her some help. To our surprise, she wasn't scared and handed over the bags.

As we walked along we talked and she turned out to be bright and interesting. She does a crossword from one of our daily nationals and was asking us about the clues. She doesn't have internet - which we take for granted - and therefore no real way of finding out the answers other than in the next edition of that paper. I felt ashamed that i'd automatically judged her to be less intelligent because she's old. I think assumption that probably makes me less intelligent or, at least, ignorant.

She's married and her husband is housebound so she goes out when necessary. They do have someone who comes and does their main shop once a week though. She said her niece - who lives miles away - brings her the newspapers every so often, but in between she doesn't get it as it's too heavy for her to carry it home. I asked if she had children and she said no. An old woman living with her husband in a basement apartment in our suburb...she felt like the ghost of Christmas future....(We also live in a basement apartment)

We walked her to her door and she thanked us. We basked in a warm glow of having done something nice for someone.

I kept thinking how irritated i'd be to do a crossword and never know the answers, so I decided i'd take her a newspaper every Saturday - the edition she reads. First time I went back, it took ages to get in. Pam (for that was her name) and George, her husband, were delighted and happy for me to come back regularly. She only wants the paper every fortnight as she says there's too much for her to read otherwise. Sort of defeats the object on the crossword thing, but there you go.

Since then i've been back each fortnight. Sometimes I bake them stuff. Other times she gives me little gifts. I spend a little while with them - their apartment STINKS of cigarette smoke so I can't manage too long - and leave feeling really happy, if a little whiffy of smoke.

Such a small part of my life brings me a huge amount of joy, and, I hope, gives my old couple some pleasure too. I hope that doesn't sound sanctimonious.

pg stuff follows:

Life generally is fine. I've had some awful morning sickness - well, all day sickness really. No chucking up but just permanent feelings of sea or motion sickness. No complaints - it comforts me the passenger is on board. My GP found my haem.oglobin is low, so i'm now on iron tablets as well as my mega folic acid, steroid, multi-vits, dha/epa, B6 and daily aspirin. When super queazy i have to take them in yoghurt. I'm ok at this minute - which obviously then stresses a little that

Last scan with the clinic on Tuesday and i'll find out if more IV.Ig is on the cards. I'm starting to relax a bit and feel so immensely grateful for having got this far. Still anxious about getting to that magic 12 AND that the NT scan doesn't throw up any scary stuff, but at this point, every day is a miracle.

April Fool's Day

Today would have been my Grandpa's birthday. He was my last grandparent to die. I, my brother and sister and both my cousins ADORED him as did my nieces and nephews. He was a child magnet and an immensely popular man. I'm not sure anyone didn't like him.

I remember spending loads of time with him and Grandma as a child - playing games, gathering conkers (horse chestnuts), eating Cadbury's Dairy Milk and, when he was still working, visiting his "shmutter" factory in the East End of London. His factory used to make ladies' clothes and he himself was an excellent tailor. He used to make many outfits for my Grandma and had a tailor's dummy and sewing machine at home. We used to go up to their flat every Saturday for high tea - with loads of crumpets and cakes. Grandma was an excellent baker but as they got older, Grandpa did most of the work as she was more frail than him.

He had an amazing sense of humour and always had a joke for us. He outlived my father by about 5 months but (although we tried to hide it from him and he was very much "gone" mentally) i'm sure he knew Daddy had died. That makes me sad, but my great memories are of my laughing, joking Grandpa. I wish he'd met my darling Mr G as I know he'd have loved him. I hope he's looking down on us now with a smile on his face.

Today's scan went fine. The passenger is now 2.7cm - not a great change from last week which concerns me a little - but the Doc was pleased with progress. They took my blood to send to Chica.go for the N.K assay panel. The results will be back next week so I'll actually back there next week for a final scan. I'm quite pleased that i've another scan there. Nice to have that safety net.

After the scan I went to the lovely neighbouring patisserie and ate (healthy) 5 seed bread slathered with (not quite so healthy) choc praline spread. It was every bit as good as last week. I still can't stomach any hot drinks. The closest I can get is hot water with lemon in it. Other drinks just turn my stomach. Weird.

Happy Birthday Grandpa John.

I've been sorely disappointed by Jenny from the Block this week. Whether or not her fraternal twins - born to a 38 year old mother after years of trying - were IVF babies or not, it's offensive how vehemently she has denied it. I almost liked her - as i've warmed and felt a slight affinity to many female celebrities attempting to sneak a baby into the dusk of their reproductive years. I've gone right off her.



Also on the IVF news front. It was reported yesterday that a 57 year old lady has just had a perfect baby after IVF with DE. My first thought was concern at someone becoming a first time mum 3 years short of her pension.

She'd had 3 IVF cycles and had thought the last one had ended in a m/c. She was diagnosed with suspected Ovarian Cancer but when she went for a scan, they found a 30 week old growing foetus in there! I then read she'd spent her fertile years nursing her poor old mum and had only met Mr Right in recent years. Maybe that's ok. Thing is though, she's most likely going to end up needing that little girl to support her in years to come. It was encouraging though that a DE cycle can work at such an advanced age. Good luck to her and her husband.

Next topic - why is there no a book for people pregnant after IVF? IVF pregnancies must bring up more concerns than non-IVF ones. For a start, if something were to go wrong, there's no guarantee that you can start again. After 4/5 tries for this one, i'm not sure there's much chance of my being able to repeat the miracle. Every twingey, crampy, un-nauseous, less tired moment brings a mild panic. Each scan has me holding my breath in case this statistically unlikely miracle ceases to exist.

I want to do the right thing by my body and the passenger, but what am I allowed to do? Can I exercise like a "normal" pregnant person? How easy should I be taking things? Do the extra drugs I inject into my body 3 times a day and the steroid I pop each morning mean that i'll feel more/less hormonal? Right now, i'm too superstitious to be buying books anyway - perhaps I will if i reach the 12 week watershed. Does anyone know of a book? If not, perhaps i'll write one - i've plenty of ladies to ask for input.

I've reached the heady heights of 9 whole weeks today. I've a scan at my clinic tomorrow. Either way it should be my last one there. If it goes well, i'm released to find sonographers new. If it doesn't go well...well, there'll be nothing more to look at. Today i'm pretty crampy but that could be my slow guts which are grinding to a hormonal halt. I'm breakfasting on branflakes, filling my morning smoothie with bran and oats and snacking on dried fruits in an effort to move things along. It's not entirely sweet smelling in Mr G's and my love nest...

Oh - I went to see Love in the Time of Cholera yesterday. It was PANTS! It's full of young people made up to look old. I hate that - Just get an older actor!! Also, they use a really cute young guy for one character and then swap him for Javier Bardem (the deliciously evil villain from No Country for Old Men) from one scene to the next. He looks 20 years older, which I think he probably is. It's just desperately bad and way too long.

I also made marmalade over the weekend. I've been meaning to make it for ages. I just can't seem to master jam and marmalade making. I either stop boiling too soon and end up a too soft set or go to far and get a solid fruity mass. Yesterday's is a sweet orange liquid. Tastes great but spreads a bit too easily! I may have to go for a reboil. Just don't know the secret. The pics a generic marmalade, not mine.

I was worried my last post contained insensitive stuff as I had very few comments.(*) I really hope not. I've read it and re read it. I'm toying with a 2nd pg blog. I just don't want to go there just yet as it may be the shortest blog ever. I'll see. I really hope i'm not writing anything upsetting. I hope none of the above is. Perhaps i'll split neutral and IF stuff from pg stuff with a big line. Do let me know if you've any constructive criticism.

(*) Not that i'm precious about low comment numbers. It was just a drop off and I thought i'd check.

Threading rocks!

The threading was fantastic! Not too painful - not nearly as painful as an iv being inserted or my daily Cl.exane jab. I'm sure i'm better at pain now after so many jabs.

I've ended up with lovely neat brows and (i'm almost embarassed to admit) a much smoother top lip. I haven't exactly got a 'tache but I do get a bit self-conscious on a sunny day. It was done in minutes. i also had a manicure but later that day had a minor panic about nail varnish and took it all off - whilst holding my breath so I didn't breath in any chemicals. Nutter!!

Yesterday I finished off the major defuzz with a trip to my beautician for a bit of waxing. All areas are now smooth and hair free. Not really sure why I bothered. The only time i get my legs out at the moment is for my scans and i'm not sure the Doc is studying my hair growth - or at least I hope not.

My beautician is lovely. We've been together since before I married Mr G so she did all my wedding prep - facials, waxing etc - and gave me lots of advice. She got pg on her first month of trying but miscarried early in 2007 Once she tried again it took maybe 3 months and she's now a month off giving birth. She looks great. I've avoided her for a while as I couldn't face seeing how pg she was. She knows all about my IVF history. When I told her yesterday that I was v newly pg she gave me a huge hug. It was good not to feel so down at her happiness.

I also told my Uncle yesterday. He's my late father's brother and we're very close. He was delighted and amazed. He said he thought it wasn't going to happen. He of little faith. I said it's v v early days and we're still in the danger zone but it was good to make him happy.

I met my Uncle in a cafe i used to visit all the time. There was a girl in there who i recognised from the studio where I used to do Pilates. I went a few times a week pre-wedding to get in shape. It was amazing - Pilates really makes a huge difference. I was also about 20lbs lighter. Anyway, this girl was on the same track and got married about 6 months after me. She was in the cafe yesterday with her newish baby. It still rocked me a little that she'd gone straight through and had her child whilst I'm still en route. I felt very grateful that i have the passenger at least or that would've ruined my day.

My ex-nurse friend (she trained as a chef with me after she left nursing) was amazing at the ge.stone shot! I want to go there every day! So professional and almost zero pain! I think i need to ask her to give Mr G lessons. I also discovered that standing up and not lying face down on the bed is the way to go.

Finally, I can't believe there's yet more tragic news. Busted Babymaker's loss of her twins at 23 weeks is horrific. Life is so f'ing unfair. I'm not sure i'd be standing if that had happened to me. I'm praying for her to have the strength she needs to make it through this.

Mr G has gone to catch his plane

...as all was well at the scan.

My passenger is starting to look like a baby! It's amazing. We saw a head, the beginnings of limbs and its little beating heart. For the first time I felt a bit tearful.

Mr G was also a bit emotional, although, when I asked him afterwards, he said he was mildly distracted, because he was standing near my feet and not in the usual position up near my head and had a bird's eye (or should that be bloke's eye) view of my coozie. He couldn't decide where to look first...

Anyway, with the news all good today, we went off to a lovely patisserie where i hoovered up two slices of walnut bread slathered in choc/praline spread - yum. I then dropped Mr G at Pa.ddington Stn so he could catch the Heath.row Express to the airport for his plane to D.enmark.

I've asked an ex-nurse friend to do the honours with the Gest.one tonight. Had to share my news with her and she was delighted. Felt a little embarrassed to tell her...not sure why. I suppose this still feels very private. Perhaps when we're past the first trimester (fingers crossed) I'll feel a little more genuinely pg.

I'm off for manicure and some eyebrow threading now at a friend's house. Hope it's not too painful... Still, as most of us are well aware - you gotta put up with a whole lotta pain if you want any pleasure.

8w2d

Quick post as i should be getting dressed and ready to go for No 3 scan.

I'm a little nervous, but not nearly as nervous as I was on Monday when I was symptom-free all day. No nausea, no hunger, nothing. I spent half a day with Dr Google checking out sudden stoppage of pg symptoms. It didn't look good. Many sites telling me that it was a sign of m/c - can't even write the words here, too superstitious.

Anyway, I felt a little worse yesterday - return of ravenous moments and marginal nausea. As I was working in a friend's kitchen making canapes all day, it was good not to feel too bad. This morning, not only am I dog tired but also back into the whole nausea thing AND seem to have heartburn from my Weet.abix and banana breakfast. Mr G's delighted with my ailments. Especially as he has to fly off to Denma.rk and Sw.eden on a business trip just after our appointment and was terrified he'd be leaving a distraught wife.

I'm anxious but not scared stiff.

I'll write more later. With three husband free days, i'll have lots of time to bring you up to speed.

A huge hug to Almamay who's suffered another BFN. She doesn't deserve this s**t. Life's so f'ing unfair.

Not all moaning round here

I forgot to mention a couple of things that might make you smile.

My gorgeous DH is now treating me like an invalid. I'm not allowed to do anything. He now does the supermarket shop without me which involves at least 3 phone calls to check he's buying the right thing. Tonight i've answered queries on cheese, tinned tomatoes and breaded fish. Somehow the shop always costs quite a bit more than when I was doing it. This isn't going to last - especially since (call me weird but) I actually quite enjoy a mooch round the supermarket.

Second. We've been creating memories that will last a lifetime but possibly not ones i'll treasure exactly. Since we gave up the EM.LA with my nightly Gest.one shot we've been using ice. I don't actually have any ice trays at the moment so I was freezing a little dish of water to put on my butt pre jab. Forgot to freeze it the other night so I had to search the freezer for a suitable substitute. The smallest item was a frozen banana muffin. I'm not sure my s.ex appeal will ever recover since Mr G will always have the picture of me lying face down on the bed with a muffin on my behind.

BTW, the Doc said it would be ok to use EM.LA still. Even so, i'm just not prepared to risk it. I've surprised myself with my extremely cautious behaviour. No perfume, hair colour nor, worst of all, tuna!! A tiny sacrifice on the scale of things.

ps: Carrie - thanks for your offer. Yes I am a Mac user. Please, please help me get out of blogger dunce school!!!

8.5mm

Mr G asked me why I haven 't posted for a while. He's a lurker on my blog. Reads every post but never comments. Wonder if i've any others?

Anyway, the answer to his question was that generally, i've felt uncharacteristically quiet. I haven't really had much to say. I'm finding the transition from "in treatment" to "in transit" slightly awkward. I should be jumping for joy to have got this far (and I do thank G-d several times a day for getting Mr G and I to this point) but i'm cautious about writing something that might upset my friends still in treatment which is the last thing i'd want to do.

So, I need to find a way of writing that isn't so joy-filled as to upset those still in the trenches - not that I really feel quite out of there just yet. On the other hand, I don't want to sound so moany that I seem ungrateful for having got this far!

My news is good. We went for our scan on Monday. The Doctor who scanned me was pleased with how everything looked. He showed us a tiny heartbeat - not that Mr G or I really saw what he was pointing to despite our both saying "Aaah yes" as he gestured at the screen. He measured the tiny blob (I REFUSE to call it (*) a bean, I just find that really cutesy and irritating) and told us it was 8.5mm. Nearly a whole centimetre!

I'm immensely relieved but unable to accept this as a reality just yet. My symptoms come and go - which freaks me out no end. One minute can't even consider a bite to eat and almost heaving at every smell. Next minute no such difficulties and stuffing copious amounts in my mouth. My boobs are less tender today, although if I keep prodding them, they soon will be.

I'm sorry to write like this. I can just hear people saying - "why can't she just be grateful for what she's got!!" I am SO very grateful for having got this far. I think to myself several times each day how lucky I am. Having got here via 5 IVF's during which we were advised to give up) I know how blessed we are. I also know it could all disappear tomorrow. Life is very fragile.

This whole game is truly one of luck and chance. I hope that my story of perseverance and persistence gives others some hope. If the tiny blob does stick around, I'll have to think about how I continue to blog. I started this blog to share my experience of infertility with others, to get support and to give it. I'm not sure how my droning on about a pregnancy helps others. I'm not about to go anywhere, but I do need to work out how to go forward without upsetting others.

A big hug to Carrie at Precious LIttle... who got a BFN this week. (Becks - thanks for your advice on links. I tried to follow it, but it doesn't work for blogger! I'll keep trying - or move to wordpress - might be easier all round...)

(*) going to have to come up with a name for our little blob, but i'm really not one for nicknames etc. Cant keep calling them "it" for much longer though!

Update

Just a quick one as Mr G's nagging me to stop using my laptop...

The scan showed one sac and a little flickering white heartbeat! We have something inside! Phew!

I went straight down for my IVI.g which took the rest of the day. It was no hardship to be stuck indoors today as it has been revolting. Windy, rainy and stormy.

I'm back next Monday for a scan. I'll be 7 weeks then.

The hunger has kicked in. One minute i'm fine. The next i'm RAVENOUS. I don't need much to stop the hunger but it just arrives from nowhere and I suddenly HAVE to eat. I'm ready for my dinner right now.

I'm one step closer to that baby.

Scared

I've just read about Natalie at LunarDreams dot net. I've spelt out her address because I'm still too rubbish to manage a link. She's just lost her little boy at 36 weeks. THIRTY SIX WEEKS!!!! What a horrendous thing to happen and I can't imagine how she and her husband must be feeling. I felt I wanted to display this candle to them as a mark of respect.



Life's SO unfair. Why should this happen? Why does this happen to people who've been through so much to get pg in the first place. Haven't they had their share of heartache? Her post about the loss is heartbreaking. I shed a tear for her.

*************************************************************************

This morning i'm scared. I feel less and less pregnant. I haven't woken up desperate to pee for the last few mornings. My nausea is less and less and my bosoms, whilst tender, are not as big as they were. I wish I could calm down and stop worrying but it's so hard not to.

I spent last night stressing because (and i'm almost tempted not to mention this as i'm embarrassed for being so stupid) i have each night post BFP continued to rub EM.LA cream into my butt before my gest.one jab. I have been careful to use paraben free hand creams and body products, no perfumes, additives, hair colour, dodgy foodstuffs but have continued to rub local anaesthetic into my skin!! What was I thinking of?! Last night we went EM.LA-free for the jab and guess what? It was fine! I so hope I haven't done anything awful.

At 10.15 today I have a (very early) scan to see what's there. This will help them decide on the IVI.g timetable. I may or may not be staying at the clinic for the day. They don't feed us so I need to take food. I've put some snacks in a bag but almost feel too superstitious to take them with me. What if there's nothing inside me and they send me home? I won't want a silly bag of food reminding me that i'd hoped everything was normal. Neurotic? I know. I think i'll just be this way permanently until there's a baby in my arms.

Anyway. I'll let you later know how I get on.

My bum does look big in this

It's been a funny few days. I've been asked twice if i'm pg. Weird. I'm starting to worry i've put on way too much weight during this cycle.

On Thursday, I was helping out at a synagogue function. A lady in her 60's and I were washing up in the kitchen. I said how hungry I was as I shovelled a chocolate brownie in my mouth. She asked when I was due. I looked so horrified and said "what?!!" in such an amazed way, that she must have assumed she'd done that calling the fat bird pg thing. She was obviously mortified, quickly backtracked and totally changed the subject. I was wearing a fairly smocky dress and my tummy is a bit swollen after the jabs, but omg! If i'd not been so early on in this and had i known her better I might have put her out of her misery

Today, our electrician came to fix something for us. We've known him a while and he knows we've been trying. I'd just got up (it was early) and was wearing a big sweatshirt and loose trousers. He saw me and said - "Have you something to tell me? Have you got some news?". Mr G just looked at me helplessly and I said actually yes, we do but it's really early days. The electrician (who's so lovely) was mortified that he said such a thing. I'm now 100% paranoid that i'm a fat heffer.

Mr G didn't help when he said my bottom IS bigger. Surely he's been married long enough to know the answer to the bottom question is always a no, even if the said posterior is the size of a bus. He said it's probably all the gestone we're injecting. AS IF!!!!

Never mind. At least I AM pg and not being asked by people randomly. Nonetheless, i'm clearly not going to be one of those gorgeous girls who doesn't look pg from behind and whose tiny bump disappears as soon as she's dispensed her cute little bundle. I'll just have to eat heathily and start exercising again once i've got over this humongous tiredness.

The clinic have stopped testing my hcg. I got to the 14,000's last week and they said to come in on Monday for a scan. They may or may not do the IVI.g on Monday, depending on what they find in there. I'm pretty nervous and positive I have fewer symptoms today.... I wish we were able to know what's going on in there. A little window perhaps....

Knickers - the post with TMI

I've finally got a scan date!

After my fifth (!) blood draw - which had doubled again (7439) the clinic have said i'll probably have IVIg on Monday with a scan first. They scan first to make sure it's worth pumping thousands of pounds into my veins. They told me not to expect to see much as it will be so early - 6 weeks exactly since ER. After reading many tales of empty sacs i know to try to be calm if there's no magical flickering.

Symptoms are minimal. Wipe out tiredness; frequent weeing - generally once in night and then not being able to sleep again for ages; v tender bosoms; nausea from time to time but not enough to stop me eating and lots of CM (i know tmi but it's been heavy since my 2WW and has me off to the bathroom for a knicker check and a wipe every half hour in case it's more than just CM.

On the subject of knickers I usually stick to black undies. As it's far too difficult for the neurotic woman to check for spotting, I actually went to buy white knickers especially so I can be certain of any minute spotting episodes. I'm almost embarrassed!

Also in knickers, a warning tale. I usually warm up my gestone in my bra for while pre jab. The nurse told me to. Helps it go in better. The other day, i had no bra on as it had been too tight and making me sore. Sooooooo i thought i'd pop it in my knickers. Just in the waist band as it was the only place it'd be close to my skin. Not clever. Went for a pre injection wee and dropped the vial on the tiled floor. It broke and i lost the lot and had to spend time wiping oily goo from the floor. They're so hard to crack open but just break into pieces with a little tap on the floor. How does anyone else warm up gestone or do they? Does it make a difference?

Off to work now xx

Feels like spring

We have loads of daffodils growing in our garden. It give me huge pleasure each time I look outside. Even if it's not sunny it looks it as they're so brightly coloured. These aren't ours but i thought i'd include them to cheer up my post.

On the pregnancy front - things are continuing to move up. Sunday's hcg score was 3411 - more than double friday's 1471. My cramps had stopped so I'd got myself into a panic about everything having stopped. I really must calm down.

The nurse who called also told me that my NK tests were back and that I may need another IVI.g - at £1400(!) I'm not sure how they decide whether or not to do it. Perhaps if I stop doubling. I've another test on Tuesday.

Yesterday morning I went for my blood test. The vampire centre opens at 9am. I arrived at 9.10am and was already number in the queue!! It was madness! Bumped into a girl i'd cycled with - the first time i've seen any of the girls I spent so much time chatting too. She had waited since last August to cycle as her FSH was so high. She's only in her early 30's. They finally let her go for it at 12.7 and she'd managed a BFP. However, it was only 42 and had gone down the second time. She was in for a third test to establish whether or not she has a pregnancy that will continue. I really felt for her. It was her first cycle though so I hope that even if this isn't the one maybe the next one will be.

I'm a little more excited about the future, but still a bit tetchy. My mum and dad came over for tea yesterday as it was Mother's Day. I made some scones, bagels and bridge rolls (little sweetened bread rolls) with a mixture of smoked salmon, hummus and cucumber as well as a clementine cake. The pictured cake's not mine but it looks just the same. It's the easiest recipe in the world and delicious - well worth a try.

We didn't really talk about the pregnancy too much. We're all a bit scared to go there I think. My mum gave me a huge hug when she turned up. When the clinic called with my hcg results we talked some more about what's going on.

I'm not sure why, but I feel just a bit irritable with my mother. I can't work out why. Since we got a bfp she's told me twice about a cousin (who married a year after us) who is already 5 or 6 months pg. No one had told me before. I understand why.

Now that we have a chance at our own baby she keeps telling me I should ring and congratulate my cousin. I hardly ever speak to this cousin normally so I don't feel that i'm suddenly fertile (or magnnanimous) enough to be totally cool about calling up to wish her well. It makes me feel very guilty but perhaps my mother should be a little more sensitive.

On the subject of Mother's Day, although everything was full of it (papers, card shops, restaurants) it was nice not feeling totally distraught about my not being a mummy myself. I can't yet quite see myself being one next year but my chances are a whole lot better than they were.

I still feel a little guilty about posting about my BFP. So many people are still not. I hope though that my age and IVF history gives people some hope ...

Post 140 - a long time coming

I've been busily P'g On Sticks like nobody's business. I've even snapped the two HPT's in all their blue crossed glory but I can't seem to load them up onto Blogger. Never mind. I've got them for posterity.

I definitely needed to do more just to confirm for myself that i am, today, pregnant.

Today's beta was 1497. Next blood test is on Sunday. This clinic really does keep an eye on its patients. I like that. Makes me feel more secure.

Mr G is driving me mad to do nothing. I worked last night and much of today. Teaching last night and cooking today. I'm teaching tomorrow as well. He thinks I should be lying down all day. I don't want to mess anything up, but I can't believe it can be good for a girl to do too little. We're compromising and i'm cutting down on some work commitments until we get a bit further along.

I'm still quite tired, a little tender in the bosom department and a bit bloated. I'm not starving - which is good - but trying to eat regularly as my blood sugar goes a little haywire and I get the shakes if I don't.

In the last week three of my MindBody group have got BFP's. Of ten of us, 1 has already had twins, 1 is pg with twins (due in the summer), 1 is pg with donor eggs and now 3 more of us have had BFP's. Amazing. I feel really bad for the others as this makes it harder for them. 2 are still doing treatment. 1 has decided to adopt and one had decided to give up as her dh has a daughter from his 1st marriage. As a group, things are looking brighter for us. I hope the 2 still trying take hope from this weeks' success.

Oh, someone asked me about DHEA. I'm not sure it made any difference to me at all. I took 75mg a day for 3 months from July last year. I started again on a lower dose (25mg) for a while but then a Dr (in our US consult) told me it would do me more harm than good and that was the end of that. I haven't seen an increase in numbers but perhaps the quality was better? Not sure....

Thanks again everyone for all your support. It's meant a huge amount to me.

Pinching myself

Today's beta is 660. More than double yesterday's. I'm concerned now it's going too quickly!! I must consult the good Dr Google.

When i went for today's test I saw the v lovely man who's been taking my blood each day for most of this cycle. He's a charming Nigerian born Dr who is not allowed to practice here and is working as a vampire whilst he studies some more. He's been lovely throughout and said yesterday he was sure it was good news. I was so pleased to tell him it was!

Overall, I've felt oddly distracted since yesterday's news. I've waited so long for this news and now it's here it almost doesn't seem real.

Physically, I feel exactly the same - apart from slightly tender boobs, some cramps (AF style back and tum pains) and the odd pinchy feeling in my general ute-al (i made that up but you know what I mean!) region. I'm also a little more tired. A sort of dragging whole body tiredness but not tiredness than makes me drop off unexpectedly in a narcoleptic sort of a way which is what I was expecting from reading accounts of pg bloggers. Oh, i'm also quite windy (TMI, I know) but perhaps the effect of all that progesterone - which yesterday was up in the 300's.

I'm very nervous that this will suddenly go away. There are so many new hurdles! Continuing betas, a scan in 2 weeks, making it past 9 weeks - which seems to be a bit of a crunch point and, of course, 12 weeks.

I don't want to sound ungrateful - I am so very lucky to have got this far. I can't believe we've finally got a little bundle of Mr G and Portia P cells in me and they're GROWING!! We could have a real live baby before I'm 40! Mr G and I are both very, very cautiously happy.

Oh - i've been to buy some HPT sticks. I've never had a BFN from them as i've only ever tested to confirm a failed cycle. As I was too scared to test this time i haven't had the pleasure yet. I have to POAS tomorrow just to prove to myself this is not a mistake with the numbers at the lab!

Finally - I just want to say thank you so much for all your good wishes and congratulation. I've had comments from some girls i thought had left me behind months ago. It's so good to know you're still out there rooting for me. Thank you so much. I feel v cared for!

I'm off to nourish me and my bundle of cells. xx

Oh my goodness

The clinic just called.

HCG is 328 (I think)

OMG

Going back to the clinic now for more Clex.ane and Ges.tone as I've run out, but was too superstitious to ask for more when I was there this morning.

This is just the beginning. I hope this little embie wants to stay another 8 months or so.

I can't believe it!

Can you think yourself a BFN?

I'm sorry for my lack of updates.

On my 4th 2WW i'm just not feeling particularly excited or confident. I've felt all the same cramps and backaches as before and think i've probably not started bleeding yet (a) because i'm on ge.stone (injected prog.esterone) rather than cyclo.gest (the charming pessaries) and (b) because we're still only on day 11p3dt.

In my more hopeful moments I imagine it's all going to be ok and that the immune stuff will be the charm, but as I have absolutely no pg symptoms - constant urge to pee, smell aversion etc - those moments are few and far between.

I'm remarkably calm though and not jumping around over every symptom. No point - been here, seen it, done it. Nothing I can do to change what's already going on. If i'm wrong and this has worked then that will be amazing but if i'm right, and this try bites the dust too then we'll pick ourselves up and get on with our NH.S cycle which is v soon.

I'd booked a night away for Mr G, my folks and my out-laws (his folks) away on Saturday night to this country pubwhich is in The Cotswolds, about a 2 hour drive from our home. There are 8 rooms attached to the pub so you can have a relaxed meal knowing you only have to fall off your chair and into your bed when you're done.

It was the perfect timing for a distracting and v relaxing break. We all get on really well. We had a lovely dinner on Saturday night - the parents shared a bottle of wine (Mr G and I are tee total at the moment) and seemed very merry. Food was good and the atmosphere friendly.

On Sunday we had breakfast together and then visited a local village before going herefor lunch. Both pics are from web sites and much sunnier than the weather we had! After more delicious food, laughing and chat we all went our separate ways. Mr G and I watched Miss Potter (lovely film) during which I sobbed my eyes out (spot the girl packed with progesterone) before the night time jab.

One more sleep and i'll know my immediate fate. I worry that my negativity has stopped this treatment from working and that i'm just a bit too resigned and ready for failure. I'm trying to protect myself but perhaps some positive thinking would help matters....

Oh, on the symptom front - cramping - back and tum, less and less sore and swollen breasts, quite tired (but worrying i'm imagining myself into that as i've read it can be a sign!), not a lot else really.

I'll be back tomorrow or Wednesday with the scores on the doors.

Tagged

Yay! Something to keep me busy during my 2WW!

Thanks Forever Hopeful for tagging me.

The Rules:

1) Link to the person who tagged you. (Thought i'd mastered this but clearly haven't. I'll see if Mr G can sort out how I link to other blogs. I know....i'm pathetically technically challenged!)
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

1. I wear contact lenses. I've worn them for about 15 years. Weird thing is that my eyes have got less short sighted over the years so they've about half as bad as they were when I first got tested. I ALWAYS put my right contact lense in first.

2. I'm less tidy than Mr G would like. He likes a really uncluttered home. I like to see my paperwork or else I forget to do stuff. I am, however neurotically tidy when it comes to drawers. My underwear is all sorted into matching bras and pants (*) and the drawers in my office and kitchen are super neat and tidy. (* I always wear matching bras and pants - not necessarily a set but always the same colour, mostly black)

3. I'm immensely greedy. No surprises there! I'm a bit like our family's pet cocker spaniel (who sadly is long gone) in that I don't seem to have an "I'm full" mechanism. I could eat and eat and eat. Particularly carbs and I have no idea how people can't make it through a dessert because it's "too rich"!

4. I hate going to the dentist to the point that as a child they used to send my mother valium to give me before an appointment to do any treatment. Luckily I had no fillings until 14 but now seem to be in and out of the dentist's chair all the time. Mainly because I grind my teeth massively every night. Mr G has to wake me to stop it. I used to wear a (very sexy and attractive) guard to protect my teeth, but I left it in a hotel this Xmas and was too embarrassed to call to ask for it back!

5. I'm really crap at my own maintenance. I never have manicures or pedicures and wear most of my clothes until they fall apart. I like to look good and would love to be one of those women who has perfect hair, nails AND accessorises but perhaps not enough to drag myself round the shops and to the beauty parlour.

6. I have to load the dishwasher a certain way. Everything in a particular place If Mr G has done it then i spend too long rearranging everything so that it's all packed in neatly and we've as much in there as possible. It's all about space efficiency....Yes, I know I sound a loon! Mr G thinks I am too!

I think most of my buddies have already been tagged or are a bit quiet at the moment. I'll pop over to Becks at One Miracle Needed to play once she's back from honeymoon, to Andi at Minimenow to see if I can tempt her out of post cycle silence and Pamela Jeanne at Comingtoterms as she doesn't seem to have played this game yet.

On my cycle - having longed for some sign of implantation, i started cramping yesterday and am now convinced i'm on my way to BFN 4. It's so hard to tell as everything has been different this time. I'm still crampy and back achey - same as my other times - so no reason to think this is a good cycle. There's also lots of snail trail mucus (sorry TMI) which is the progesterone. I'm pretty calm about it all though and not at all into the psycho Knickerwatch, the sequel Pt IV behaviour just yet....Really, there's nothing I can do and if it doesn't work i'll just try again!

Of course, as you all are well aware, the above bravado may crumble by the weekend, esp if the bitch cow AF pitches up.....

Shortening odds...

The clinic called this afternoon. The last two embies didn't make it. The five cell didn't do much. The eight cell made it to blast ( I think) but the embryologist I spoke to seemed to be telling me it was not of good enough quality for them so it's good bye to them.

Although the embryologist did say that i shouldn't be upset as we did put the best two back, there has been some emotional fall out from that call. I had a bit of a cry and Mr G (who I could tell was upset too) gave me the "stay positive" talk.

I remember now why I HATE this so much. There's still 10 more days of poking myself with needles and worrying about every single cramp or twitch whilst regularly poking my boobs to see if they're (a) swollen and (b) sore. I'll be out of my mind by then.

Still, there's no choice really. I'm in it now!

Otherwise, very little else to report. I've pretty well sat on my behind for the last four days. I moved from bed to sofa yesterday when my parents came over.

I read many Sunday papers today and we've just watched Run Fat Boy Run - a really sweet, feel good movie. I'll hang on in there. Maybe, just maybe one of the ones inside is a keeper...

Valentine's Day with a difference

I write to you from my bed. I'm surrounded by remote controls, telephones (land and mobile), books, my laptop and various drugs and pills.

As you may have guessed, the embies have landed. The clinic called yesterday morning to tell me I had two eight cells, a seven cell and a five cell. We could hold on and wait for more indication as there was little between them or go for transfer. I had no idea and Mr G wasn't much better. We decided to wait until midday to see if any of them had moved. At midday, the situation was the same, so they said, as the two eight cells were clearly ahead and we might as well put them in the best place for them.

I showered - important to be clean and coiffed for such an outing - booked acupuncture and set off. After a pre-transfer acupuncture session I popped into the blood letting place for a progesterone test. My favourite vampire was in. He's SO lovely and wished me and Mr P all the best. Then round to the clinic for the hand over. We were so pleased that the clinic's head honcho (who is the most lovely man with a fantastic bedside manner and inspiring confidence and calmness) did our transfer. He really took his time, cleaning up my bits and checking his route before the lights were dimmed and the (most lovely embryologist i've met so far) brought in the catheter loaded up with our best two. (Since the call, the seven cell had made it to eight, so we had three to chose from)

After a lie down on the operating theatre bed, I got up, dressed (this clinic get you into theatre gear from transfer) and got my drugs regime. Then it was off for post transfer acupuncture and home to lie on my bed where Mr G and I celebrated Valentine's Day with a big fat pizza - yum!

Mr G was so emotional during the transfer. I think the whole Valentine's thing got to him. I love him so much. I just hope I can hold onto these embies or at least one of them this time.

They've moved me onto a new drugs regime - Cle.xane twice a day, aspirin in the middle, something called Ritodr.ine four times a day for blood flow and (hurrah) the wonderful Geston.e.

I always felt i'd missed out by not using it before, especially since i've never lasted a 2WW without AF pitching up for a visit. HOWEVER when i saw the f'off HUGE needle I had second thoughts. OMG! I was freaking about it all evening until Mr G (complete with surgical hat he'd been given earlier for transfer) perched above my behind ready to inject. He laughed that this wasn't quite the Valentine's Day rear action he might once have had in mind...

Thank you to the wonderful Almamay who told me about EML.A cream - which is an anaesthetic cream you put on the injection site an hour before. I used it but was still sh**ting myself that it hadn't worked. It had though. I felt NOTHING! Thank you, thank you, thank you my dear Almamay - i'd link to your lovely blog but i'm useless with links. Perhaps i'll teach myself whilst on bed rest.

Soooooooo, I'll be in this bed for a couple more days. We're giving it our best this time. Lets hope our Valentine's Day will be one to remember for all the right reasons. It's really hard to express how I feel this time. Can't be too excited - i've been let down too many times for that and can't be unrealistic. I almost feel a bit silly getting excited, but I do have those moments of gurgling inner excitement from time to time. Beta is on 26 Feb.

Thanks all of you for your comments. Did you all go back to work?

Mr G is of the view that I shouldn't be working as my job can be quite physical. I tend to think that if it's going to work, it'll work, no matter what you do. Having said that, after all we've put into this cycle, i'd HATE to risk it all going wrong because I did too much to soon.... I'd go mad sitting still for two weeks. And then what? Retire for 9 months? I don't think so!

Anyway, all this is theoretical as i'm not yet carrying anything - other than a lardy belly gained from 2 weeks of no exercise, an extra daily litre of milk (skimmed of course), general greed and comfort eating. The banana walnut muffins I made yesterday - supposedly to use up our ageing bananas but really to occupy myself with a mindless activity - won't help. I think i'll freeze them.

Today's call from the embryologist said that they're all still there and have divided. One is four cells. One is five - too fast perhaps. I'm not sure about the other two as I got a bit flustered on the phone. They still don't know if we'll transfer tomorrow or Saturday. They'll call it tomorrow when they see how they've done. I'm so not used to this extra waiting. In my earlier cycles we've never gone past 2 day transfer. What if they don't last until tomorrow?!!!!

It's weird having no idea when we'll do ET. I want to book acupuncture, but that's not really possible without knowing when we'll be transferring. I'll maybe call them later today just to get a better view.

It's another gorgeous day. Clear bright blue sky and sunshine. The TV guy has just been to run a cable from our SKY box into our bedroom. Until now we haven't bothered with TV in our bedroom. It seemed a good idea if i'm going to be spending some time in there over the next few days. We're going to buy a nifty flat screen for the wall with some wedding money.

I'm happy to be doing something different than before. It feels good.

Fantastic four...

Still smiling.

Partly because the sun is shining and there's nothing like it to make me feel good that and partly down to two calls I had at 8am and 9am.

I slept in this morning - still a bit tired from the anaesthetic - and was woken by my Mum calling at 8am to say she and my stepdad are home. I was groggy and told her i'd slept late because of ER yesterday and that I had 5 eggs. She was v surprised and pleased. I think she got a bit confused between embryos and eggs and was even more pleased than she needed to be! Good to have her home, although i know she's sad to leave her grandkids and my brother in Australia. I so wish she had some here.

Next call was from the clinic. Of our fantastic five, four were good enough to ICSI. All 4 have fertilised! V v good news. Now we must wait and see if they continue to develop. I know to take nothing for granted any more, so i'm cautiously optimistic.

Part of me wants to stop now. I'm so scared of the next 2 weeks and the canyon like precipice of grief we could find ourselves in - which statistically speaking, is pretty likely. I like it on this side, with my nice batch of eggs and the small victory of having got this far. Mr G said much the same last night. Still, i know we have to press on - (s)he how dares etc

I've arranged to meet with the food editor of the magazine I didn't get the job with. We're going to have tea next week so I can get some feedback on my copy. Might as well get some benefit from all that work.

Oh - we watched Ratatouille last night......What a sweet film! I'm not sure Mr G was that up for it, but he thought it a very good. Good "take your mind off IVF" viewing!

Off to work now. Might as well get some work in now before the big feet up - I even hate presuming there will be a big feet up...

I'd love to know what you all do during an IVF 2WW - do you stop everything? for how long? is it worth it?....

Good news and a moan

It's a big thumbs up from here...

...all went v smoothly. Arrived first at clnic at just before 6.45am. Waited a while - as usual before going down to theatre. Was first in, which was great so no hanging around. There were 2 ladies after me for EC.

Woke up and came around slowly with tea and digestive biscuits. Was too scared to ask how many eggs they'd retrieved. Was nervous they weren't telling me because they'd found nothing. Lay there watching the other girls coming out of EC and another having IVI.g trying not to be impatient. I think the anaesthetic made me uncharacteristically calm.

Anyway, cutting to the chase, the lovely nurse came over to tell me i had 5 eggs! FIVE! Not a huge tally for those more prone to producing frogspawn like clutches of eggs, but a wonderful score for this ovarian-ly challenged bird. I'm hoping at least two of those will fertilise.

Mr G's side of the operation wasn't quite so smooth. They couldn't find the key to the room men are usually sent to, so he was dispatched to a cold bathroom to do the do. During the process someone tried to get in - totally putting him off his stride. They, once it was all done, he dropped the (thankfully sealed) pot on the floor and was worried he might have damaged the little fellas. He was so upset and stressed by it all.

We called the embryologist when we got home and they said the fall shouldn't have done anything to them and that the sample seemed ok.

I'm now sitting with my feet up on the sofa, face in the gorgeous sun we've been having (which is lifting my spirits massively) and catching up with my blogosphere girlies. I so hope we get some good news tomorrow....
******************************************************
Oh - not wanting to put a dampener on my good news, but one of my 'friends' said something SO hurtful yesterday i'm still upset. I'm not sure if i'm overreacting or if i'm wallowing too much in my situation but it just underlined the total lack of understanding from the fertile.

One of our mutual friends has had a breast lump found to be cancerous. She's got to have it looked at tomorrow to see if the cancer has spread. She's 39 with 2 young girls. It's horrific news. They think they've got it really early though so i really hope she'll get good news. I can't imagine how she's feeling. It's really scary.

What upset me was the friend who was telling me, who said, that like me, the sick friend has good and bad days. Sometimes she (and I) don't feel like talking much. She then said, "but then at the end of the day if you can't have children you just can't have children but if you have cancer....that's something to be REALLY down about...".

The insinuation is that my stuff isn't really seriously bad. Now, i know that having cancer is about as bad as it gets and I'm not looking to get into a who's got it worse competition because there wouldn't be one BUT i'm not sure she really gets just how painful and distressing IF really is. I was totally lost for words and stayed silent. I'm not sure she's a good person for me to be around or maybe I'm the selfish one for taking it the wrong way. I don't know. I just hope this comes out right...

It got me thinking though, that the fact is, i'm not really scared of illness and dying. I'm not sure i'd mind if my life had to stop tomorrow. I know that sounds like i'm a head case and in need of medication, but I genuinely feel that way. Does that make me depressed? I'm not sure? Maybe having kids gives you more of a fear of leaving people behind. I don't WANT to die, I just don't fear it....

Anyway - on a more cheery note, my Mummy's back tomorrow from Australia. She's been gone more than two months and i'm SO looking forward to seeing her! She doesn't know about this cycle. Can't wait to tell her. Hope there' more good news then.

Just waiting...

I feel a little like these folk...
Fat and full and doing a lot of hanging around, in the waiting room at my clinic and in between tests at home. I'm still waiting to see when they'll trigger me.

Had 2 blood tests and 2 scans (8.30am and 2.30pm) yesterday. The big man head of my clinic wanted to scan me himself to decide when to trigger. I was so excited to meet him - sad really. It was like meeting G-d...sort of. He has become this mystical figure. The miracle maker. I know he's not going to be able to change nature and i KNOW my chances are still slim, but he has my hopes up for the first cycle since my first.

I've still only 3 lead follicles and several that are moving so slowly they might catch up sometime next Christmas. The decision is how long to give the mini ones to see if they can join the fertilisation party.

I was at home baking cup cakes (choc and cherry) for my Auntie when they called yesterday. In my hurry to inject my meds and rush back to the clinic for scan two i left my phone at home. I had to go straight to my acupuncture appt without it so the clinic called Mr G with my instructions. He was petrified he'd get it wrong, he made them tell him twice and wrote it all down word for word. The nurse said lots of hubbies are nervous of any message taking.

They decided to let me cook another day and to ask me to go back today. I've had 2 bloods and 2 scans already today (it's still not yet 3pm) and i'm now home waiting to see if we're going to trigger today. Still only really the 3 mamooth black blobs and a score of eeensy weensy ones. I'm drinking water for England and as much protein and milk as I can manage. I've actually started to lok forward to my hot milk (skinny of course but with sugar free vanilla syrup) that i now order in in coffee bars. The baristas look at me like i'm totally mad. Sta.rbucks are reasonably obliging. In the very French patisserie they raise their snooty eyebrows so high they almost disappear over their heads. The cost varies hugely. £2.40 in the 'bucks and only £1.00 in Cos.ta. Should really just make it myself.

Right. Time to get outside. It is BEAUTIFUL outside today. Really warm sunshine. Makes me smile and feel good inside just to be out there in it. I'm feeling v looked after and am in that high place of actually DOING something about our IF. I know the worst is yet to come especially since all this activity has taken me to such a peak of anticipation. At the end of the day, i still think most of this is about luck. If the right egg is on its way out then we'll get lucky. If not, we won't. All the drugs in the world aren't going to change that. It's just if the right egg can be persuaded to fertilise nicely AND stick around...that's what i'm hoping this lot will do for me.

Just spoke to the clinic. I'm triggering tonight. ER first thing Monday morning. A whole day off from needles tomorrow - yay!! Fingers, toes and eyes crossed for at least those three eggies to come out strong and ready to play nicely with Mr G's boys....
xx

IVI.g

What a long day! Lay in until 7am and got to the clinic for the blood let at 8am. Mr G came along and met the lovely man who takes my blood.

We went round to the clinic and were told to come back at 9 - 9.30am. We went for brekkie at a great chain called Giraffe where i ate healthy fruit and yoghurt and watched Kate Moss scoffing a huge cooked breakfast whilst talking on her mobile. We walked back to the clinic (passing Hugh Laurie on the street) and then waited 45 minutes until they were ready for the I.VIg girls - me and 3 others.

We waited ages for the doc to canulate us. At 10.45 (!) we were finally off. FIrst an antihistamine tablet to avoid any reaction. Then some saline and then the actual juice. Blood pressure was checked each 15 mins for the first hour and then every 30 mins. It was dripped in so slowly it too a full 4 and a half hours to go in.

Time was passed with a newspaper, a selection of gossipy mags and chatting with my co IVI'ers. Two had transfer yesterday. One is 14 weeks PG. It was her 5th go. She only had IV.Ig with go 4 (when she got a chemical pg) and this go. SHe'll have top up IVI's until she hits 28 weeks - unless her antibodies come down on their own. I was v encouraged.

I also might have picked up some teaching work from one of my fellow patients! Mr G couldn't believe my networking abilities!

I feel fine. Tired - probably from lying around for hours today - but otherwise fine. I really don't feel v 'stimmed' at the moment. The odd stitchy twinge but other wise nothing. I'm actually enjoying the whole social part of this clinic. All the other patients have been v lovely and friendly.

Time to go eat some more protein and catch some zzzz's to pep up my eggs for the morning scan.

Oh - for Sarah 23 - the acupuncture points are all over. 2 in my wrists, in each of my ankles, on my feet, around my knees and several over my ovary area. The electrodes are on needles just over my ovaries. Hope that helps...?

day 8 of stims

2 more blood tests down and another scan happened. E2 levels are higher than they've ever been but my ovaries are stubbornly refusing to push out more than their usual quota. I'm remarkably calm about it. Previous cycles have seen almost as few follies and ended with 2 embies so all is not quite yet lost.

I went for acupuncture to try and persuade a follie or two to join the party. My acupuncturist - at London's most expensive alternative fertility clinic - sent an electric current through the needles straight to those ovaries. That's gotta wake them up!

Anyway, at least there's no danger of OHSS. Not just yet.

My call with instructions today was 600 Pur.egon asap, a Cle.xane shot at bedtime, Cet.rotide an hour before your 7.30am blood draw AND we'd like you to come in and do the IV.Ig tomorrow or Friday. Apparently my NK Cell tests showed two to be a little elevated. I'd hummed and hah-ed about doing the controversial IVI.g, but now it comes to it, I don't want to risk messing with the clinic's system. I asked the doc about side effects and what might go wrong. I asked "what if I don't do it". I won't bore you with the detail, but on balance, I think it's better to do it than not.

So, tomorrow I have to go to the clinic for my 7.30am draw then hang around until 9.30am when they'll have freed up the IVI.g room - which also serves as the post-op recovery room. I'll be there FOUR TO FIVE HOURS!!!! I could fly to Greece or Israel in that time. I could see two full length movies and have a snack in between. Instead, i'll be sitting in a darkened basementwith my book, ipod, a magazine and - being the typical Jewish patient, a series of snacks in case I get hungry! Well, it's a long time!!

ER looks like being some time this weekend but no one knows for sure. I just hope we get three out and I have two embryos to show for it. It's not asking much...is it?

For the rest of this week i'll be occupied full time reproducing. Shame it's not the natural way - that'd be something to look forward to. As it is, I'm v glad i don't have a full time job - i'd never be able to manage a cycle with this clinic and a 9 to 5. I'm on twice daily bloods from tomorrow too!

All pretty quiet on the ovarian front

So. Day 6 of the most monitored week of my (un)reproductive life. Yesterday, i was up at 8am. At blood let lab by 8.50am and sitting in a cafe drinking tea and waiting for Mr G by 9.15. We had a gorgeous brekkie at Peter Gordon's restaurant Providores. It started badly when a Yummy Mummy (YM) on the next door table with a less-than-two year old announced to the waiter that she was pregnant and starving and HAD to have some food immediately. Having just spent my first waking hour in IF world, my heart sunk. She then proceeded to chat with another YM on a neighbouring table bonding over their various designer clad kiddies.

After a trip round the farmer's market to buy some veggies on my mission to eat healthily, we went to a big Dept store. We have money to spend there after our wedding that we never got around to spending. We wanted to wait until we had a new home, but with IF and lack of funds we haven't actually managed to get that new home yet. It's just one more thing that's on hold whilst we endure this limbo state we're in. We decided maybe we should just spend the money on something nice to cheer us up.

Anyway, during a pre-shop fortifying cup of peppermint tea the clinic called and said I had to inject Cetr.otide IMMEDIATELY. Obviously i didn't have any on my person and so we had to head home. Shopping clearly not meant to be!

Today I had a scan as well as my blood let. THREE flipping follicles. THREE! All this monitoring and rushing around and I still can't stump up more than previous best efforts. Crap. I know i've been at this stage before and gone on to a 2 embie transfer, but i just kind of hoped that this new clinic would drum up more follicular recruits. I left the clinic feeling really low. Walked around a bit - in the cold but sunny London morning - and then headed home.

I was only meant to be writing and cooking today so had a bit of an aimless one. When the clinic called they needed an immediate injection of a drug I didn't have. Darn. Had to rush up there to buy more stocks and sit and inject in the clinic's reception room. I've stabbed so many needles in my stomach already it's starting to sting as it goes in. Having said that, i've more or less stopped worrying about the needles. On Friday, I was so keen to use up ALL my valuable Pure.gon, i used no less than 4 seperate needles in getting it all out AND used two more for the Meriona.l! No wonder i'm sore!

I'm now on Cetroti.de (inject as soon as awake at 6.30am), 75mg aspirin and a steroid I can't remember the name of with my glass of milk before I set off for my bloods. I then inject late afternoon or evening with whatever cocktail of drugs i'm on that day PLUS another shot of Clex.ane (heparin) AND I pop a Clomid or two. It's madness!

Still, I do feel looked after and the nurses are v lovely. I only wonder if - based on the fact that I have the same total (so far) with this cycle as i've had every time before - it's all worth it...
...................................................................
I also need a moan about how this is ruining my life again. I'd just got back into working. I'm getting work from a few different cooking schools and feeling on the right track again. I have absolutely no idea if I'm going to be able to fulfill work commitments for the next two or three weeks. I don't know whether to cancel now or wait and see. I don't want to let anyone down. It's SO hard and SO f'ing annoying. However steps forward I take each cycle takes me so far back. I just hope this one works...

Oh - was reading my last post. What I didn't make clear was that I was actually bleeding for four days before AF showed up in full force. I wasn't just turning up in the hope that my period had happened!

I have lots more moaning to do, but I think i'll leave it there. Only so much I can inflict upon you! xx

Hiding

I'm sorry i've been awol for nearly 2 weeks.

I haven't really felt much like being in touch with anyone lately.

I've actually started treatment at the new clinic. It was fairly traumatic getting to that point - mostly created by me - and, after the last false start, i haven't felt much like sharing. I was waiting for day one of this cycle for AGES. Perhaps because of the hysteroscopy a week earlier, my period arrived in stages. I was spotting more and more heavily from last Sat until Tuesday. It was heavy enough for me to think AF had pitched up, but didn't feel as heavy as usual. I assumed the op had cleaned me out and there wasn't much left to come out.

Not wanting to miss CD1 and risk losing this month, I went to the clinic for daily blood tests and a couple of scans from Sunday to Wednesday. Monday's scan showed I was still pre-period. The bloods said the same. I was feeling a total eejit! The nurses told me that it's not uncommon to get confused after a hyst'y. I was feeling stupid and not sleeping with the anxiety of it all. Anyway, AF showed up good and proper on Tues night and on Wed, i had the full day one bloods - again. They called on Wed night to say i was good to go! Thank goodness.

Since then, its been early starts - to get there at the front of the 7.30am blood test queue and then the front of the 8am scan queue. It's one series of queues at this clinic. I'm exhausted from lack of sleep and early rising. Still, i'm pleased to actually be jamming needles in my belly again. I started on 600mg of Pur.egon and, after a couple of days they've moved me on to 300mg Pure.gon, 300mg Meri.onal (or rather Menopur as that's what I have at home) plus 1 clomid tablet. What a lot of drugs!

They take blood each day and the Dr reviews your hormone levels before prescribing your dose. It's a hassle, but you feel so thoroughly monitored. I'm not sure I could go back to a usual Lon.don clinic after this. I hope i won't have to. (Note - that last comment is said with huge lack of belief and feeling of great fraudery - i know i made that up but i quite like fraudery as a word).

I need to go lie down and 'do a relax' (as Mr G calls it) to try to help this process, so i'll cut this update short. I can also smell the honey and thyme roasted veggies burning, so i must rescue them!

I cancelled a Christening we were meant to go to today at 2pm and a 40th tonight. It feels selfish and antisocial but Mr G and I have been working so hard we just don't feel like being with people. The Christening is one step too far really. The parents waited 5 long years - of miscarriages, IVF and a surprise pregnancy - for their beautiful angel child, so they understand where Mr G and I are. Still, I do feel a bit guilty not being there to share their joy. Hope it doesn't count against me on some register of good/bad deeds...

We've got A.tonement to watch tonight and some halibut to eat with the veggies. All good.

I've been really busy with work - but more of that another time.

Quick one...no really!

This must be a quick one as it's past my bedtime and i've got to be up at 5.30 (5.30!!) to leave at 6am to teach at a cookery school in one of London's Fish Markets. I'm very excited.

Reason for a quick blog is that I got in touch with the mag today to see what was going on. To be honest, i'd have left it but Mr G kept saying I should. I asked if they'd chosen and asked for feedback on the work i did.

I e mailed at 10am-ish and at 9pm got a response. After some blah about what a strong candidate I was and what a difficult choice it had been, the Editor said they'd chosen one of the others. Mr G was all huggy and kind but i'm not actually remotely worried! If they'd offered it to me i'd have been launched into super stress mode again.

In another lifetime i'd have wanted that job, but my life (at the moment) is about making building our family. That's the most important thing for Mr G and me.

Perhaps i'll feel let down in a few weeks - most likely after a failed IVF cycle (who's says i'm not an optimist) but for now, i'm too busy to be sad AND i'm doing a little upwards lap of that rollercoaster. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps i'll be able to ride it properly in a week or so....

Oh - watched Starter for Ten last night. Great British movie. Set in mid 80's - perfect for us later 30 somethings.

That was a short post.....night night xx

Sunday sunday - warning, long post

I'm feeling v Sunday-ish. Outside it's grey and murky. Inside, i'm surrounded by this week's drying washing and piles of cookery books.

Friday's hysterosc.opy was uneventful. We were up at (still dark) 6.15am, out the house at 6.45am and at the clinic at 6.55am. There were already 2 other couples looking a bit jet lagged in the waiting room, 1 couple quizzing a nurse in reception about FET's. Another pair arrived before the nurses had even started showing up. I got the feeling we wouldn't be on any time soon.

This clinic so winds me up! After 35ish minutes sitting waiting I went into reception to ask what was going on. The chippy antipodean receptionist gave me short shrift and said we'd be called in about 10 mins. A couple of mins later, the theatre nurse appeared and called my name but at the same time gesturing to me that it wasn't my turn. Odd. Turned out one of the other girls had the same name as me. She was in to have a cyst removed, so lucky that got sorted.

When it was my turn. We went into the reception to sign some forms and Mr G was sent off to occupy himself for a couple of hours. (I think he was quite excited about his West End breakfast).

I was taken downstairs to the nurses locker room. A really bare room with cubby holes, a few hangers and lino floor. I was told to put on the (disposable) v see through surgical gown and a Mar.ks and S.pencer man's blue towelling dressing gown. I was given blue plastic bags for my feet and a surgical hat.

I was then led into a second room in which there were 6 trolleys lined up. On the first two were the girls who'd had egg collection. One was just waking. The other was lying with an oxygen mask over her face. Clutching my handbag, I was told to sit on a chair and wait. I'd passed my name twin walking into the theatre room. After not too long, they wheeled her back in on her trolley and they came for me. I was asked my name, told to put my hat on and get on the trolley. I had a joke with the anaesthetist whilst it shoved the iv into my arm and within minutes I was gone.

Next thing, i was waking up under the mask next to my name twin. I asked to take it off and slept some more. Then sat up for a polystyrene cup of tea and 2 digestive biscuits. I had a nice chat to her (also same age as me) and to the last trolley dolly - a girl who'd travelled miles - from S Wales - to the clinic.

Now here's the thing. This clinic takes (what i suspect must be) millions of pounds and they treat women like pieces of meat. Our partners/hubbies are pushed out the door and not there to support us pre and post op and really not made to feel part of the process at all. I lay on my trolley wondering why we put up with this treatment. Answer is...we're desperate and this clinic has the best scores in the whole of the UK.

Anyway - as i could have told them, my uteRus is immaculate. No polyps, no gunk and no stagnant water in me tubes. The previous dilation is still holding so no need to stretch me and apart from my cavity being only 7cm (av is apparently 8cm) nothing much to report.

Went home and lay listlessly - sleeping and grazing for the rest of Friday. How much do i hope my FSH behaves!
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A few other news items. Went to my best friend's 40th last night. It was a surprise for her and her sis-in-law arranged by their hubbies. Mr G and i were off the booze. Felt a bit self-conscious refusing champagne. No one mentioned our abstinence - not the place for a big IF discussion but it sat elephant like in the corner. It was interesting watching them all get more and more drunk. Felt pleased (and slightly smug) we'd managed to stay off the booze.

Met a girl at the party who had (aged 42) her son at the clinic we've just gone to. She's a huge fan of the Doc there and knows he's the best in town. She was v v supportive. She's been unable to do it again and has decided to give up. She had also spoken the to the same US doc we spoke to. He's obviously v good at his own publicity.
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Finally - Mistresses. New tv drama with 4 late 30 something girls. Two single - one enjoying it hugely and with lots of partners, another a Dr and mistress to a man (one of her patients) who'd just died, a third widowed in 9/11 and bringing up 2 girls and the last one, in her first year of marriage and trying for a baby for a year or so.

(Not terribly believably) her hubbie's the one reading the Fertility books and only interested in sha*gging at fertile times. She- fed up with BMS has an office sh*g with a workmate. Off she and her hubbie trot for a sper.m test and (surprise, surprise) he has v few sper.m. It's ICSI for them. He shuts down and won't talk. She goes back to the workmate. What next? PG by the workmate? That would seem obvious. What i'm dreading is a first time successful round of ICSI like in Brothers and Sisters. More misleading coverage of a couple having to do ART and succeeding instantly. No representation of the extended misery repeated cycles cause. I know it's only tv and it has to be watchable but it'd be nice for the fertiles to get a window into our world.

Interestingly, my fertile friends were discussing the plot at the party last night with no irony at all for Mr G and me - the living, breathing poster IF boy and girl in their midst.

Anyway, time to plan next week's food for my healthy eater client.

BTW - nothing at all from the magazine!! How rude!! I'm not bothered about the job but becoming angry that they've just left me - and I suppose one other candidate - hanging all this time! After all that work!! Outrageous!

Smiling to myself

I'm feeling oddly cheery.

I've even had moments of jittery excitement. You know. That feeling you get before a hot date or before something you've been look forward to for ages - you know - that butterfly-ish slightly nervous but happy feeling in your tummy that makes you smile to yourself!

I'm not entirely sure why, as there's not a whole lot to be excited about. I've a hysteroscopy tomorrow morning - but i doubt it's the prospect of heavy sedation and a fat old needle in my hand which is has me feeling a little excitable. I'm hoping for reports of a sparkling ute(rus) and immaculate cervix. No lumps, bumps or UFO's please.

Once they've cleaned up my inner bits i'll be on countdown for the arrival of that bitchcow AF. Then the blood suckers will do their very worst and let me know if i'm ok to proceed with the next cycle. Hormones behaving and no dreaded cysts. That makes me a bit nervous, but so far, so not losing much (any) sleep over that one.

I'm sure i'm readying up for a full-on stress out over it. I said Mr G this morning that we should have some sort of fall-back if this clinic won't let me cycle. If we're not a go this month, that will be 7 months without a cycle and at 39 (and a twelfth) with a diminishing batch of eggs, that's not too clever. I CAN'T believe it's been that long since my last cycle! I might see if our old Doc will do the do if the new clinic won't.

So...why am I excited? Who knows... Perhaps it's the new client I picked up today - who wants me to cook all her detox meals for the foreseeable future and deliver them to her (hurrah!) or the extra piece I persuaded my regular paper to take from me. OR is it that Mr G's hugely hard work of that last year seems to starting to pay off. With the new year he's seeing a real upturn in business. We're not about to start shopping at Fo.rtnums (v posh London food shop) or even Ocad.o (expensive home grocery delivery but things are feeling a whole lot brighter.

So....i'll enjoy feeling this way - let's face it, the positive moments for us IF-ers are not to be taken for granted - and hope it lasts! xx

Relaxed...

I feel as laid back as this kitty. Apart from the lingering tummy bug, I've had a much more relaxing weekend than i've had in a while. No interview stress and no work.

The magazine said they'd be in touch by Friday as they had to make a decision by then. I didn't hear anything and had butterflies every time my phone rang. Honestly, I didn't really want to hear from them. I'm actually relieved.

I actually had a great day on friday, visiting one of the schools I teach at in the morning. They've just moved to a new site and it's GORGEOUS. I love teaching and i felt really excited about getting in there. I also had a call from a school based at a huge London fish market. I'd been recommended to them and they want me to come in and do a class. If we get on then they'll send me on their fish knife skills course and for a mkt tour. That's SO exciting!! Also, one of my old pupils had got in touch and wants more lessons. There's so much for me to do and I love the freedom of not being office based.

This weekend, Mr G and I took time out. I baked - a blueberry, apricot and yoghurt cake for my in-laws and a chocolate marble cake for my auntie and uncle today. I've just bought this book and i'm loving trying new recipes from it.

Saturday was so sunny I was inspired to get outside and stay there. I washed all of our windows, and sorted out my lavender plants and tidied up my pots too. We met my in-laws for supper and that was great. A bit too great, as I got carried away eating (artichoke salad, duck breast, mashed potato and red cabbage AND apple crumble with ice cream) and sent my delicate tum back into a spin. (Too greedy for my own good)

Today we had a lazy morning. Papers, tea and toast. Then went to visit my auntie and uncle in their new flat. They live 30 mins from us but it feels like miles. We're in built up suburbia and they're in green fields. Mr G and i are inspired to get moving. It'd be great to get ourselves to a bigger home.

Anyway, it's been nice to have a stress free weekend. The only stress has been an IT issue. Mr G's laptop has crashed and BURNED. Hard disk is - in the words of our IT guru - "pooped". Mr G's been stressing about it all weekend as he needs to work and it has gone to the Mac Hospital to be rebuilt. Add to that an I-Phone dropping incident that incurred a nasty scratch and you've got yourself a grumpy husband.

We're in a lull. I so hope I get to cycle next month. My fingers are crossed that my FSH behaves and stays low at the start of my next cycle. If it leaps i won't be allowed to cycle by my new clinic. As there's nothing I can do I just have to stay calm and wait to see... I'm not thinking about the "what if's" of not being able to cycle. I'll deal with it as and when. Worrying can only harm my chances.

I read on Reality's blog that this weekend you lurkers must come out of the closet and show yourselves. If anyone's lurking - show yourselves and i'll welcome you with open arms xx

Noro.virus

What a day!

I woke up this morning (day of the most talked about interview of all time) feeling totally rubbish. Symptoms? For the hypochondriac - the very same as the norovirus - or for those less dramatic - a nasty attack of food poisoning. After an hour in bed and another taking it easy, I decided i'd go to the interview anyway. Was a bit concerned about poisoning the interviewers by passing on my germs, but took the view that if they'd interviewed me on Monday they wouldn't have put themselves at risk. I just couldn't wait any longer.

Took a taxi to their office with all my shopping and arrived a bit early. Whilst waiting in reception, the interviewee before me walked out. She was someone from my year at Chef School!! I smiled but she blanked me. maybe didn't recognise me but i'm not so sure. She's an Oxbridge grad only about 24 yrs old and extremely self important. That really threw me. Obsessed a while about whether she'd be better than me at the job.

Then I got called up to the magazine's floor and into the kitchen to prep my food. It was so stressful - not knowing where anything was! I managed to make my three meals in about 1 hr 20mins. A lemon and parsley chicken salad, sun dried tomato panzanella and chermoula salmon with dill creme fraiche and fennel, cucumber and pomegranate salad. Then the interviewers came in to taste the food. It was mostly ok but as i was explaining what i'd done, i realised i'd forgotten to put salt in the chermoula and it tasted RANK! Darn, darn, darn!! It was also overcooked - i wasn't really on top of their oven. I was SO cross with myself. I cook that all the time and just missed it!

The interview that followed was ok. Nothing too taxing, just some silly questions which I didn't answer that well. They asked how my friends would describe me in 3 words. I HATE those questions! Since then i've thought of some great answers but put on the spot I gave pathetic "non" answers i'm too embarassed even to relate to you!

I'm totally mixed as to whether or not I want the job. I really will be ok with it either way. If i DO get it i'll stress about fitting IVF in but i'm sure i'll manage. If I DON'T then i'll have to sort out my professional life as there's too little going on just now. They're going to let us know tomorrow.

Instead of going straight home i went via an employment agency and signed up for freelance chef work. I'm going to fill in the gaps this year and really make a living. No loafing around waiting for life to happen. I'm really going to go for IVF but in between i'm also going to get my life moving again AND Mr G and i are going to do some weekends away. We need some vacation time in new places.

But having said all of that i am, for now, on the sofa feeling exhausted and quite a bit nauseous. I'm not moving anywhere tonight but I figure i've earned this evening off.

Did I mention i went to see the Spice Girls on tuesday night? It wasn't bad. First hour was good...and enough. Mrs Beckham is a joke! I'm glad I saw them though. Had a good boogie and singalong.

btw - thanks so much lovely Leah for your kind offer of a place to stay. Big hug to you - you are v lovely. The clinic's in NYC - where are you?

I'll let you all know about tomorrow's events. xx

Just a quick one...

...because it's past my bedtime and i'm TIRED!

I've been busily creating recipes for the last week. It's amazing what a project the whole job interview has become. By last night I had a nice plastic wallet folder filled with my recipes and ideas. I got up early this morning to go to buy the last ingredients for the food I was to cook for the interview. The interview was due to be at 12.30pm.

At 10am my home phone rang. I left it - as you do when you're busily fretting over last minute stuff and still not showered or dressed for an interview. When my mobile (cell) rang I had to pick up. It was the editor of the mag i'm going to see telling me the interview is to be postponed because one of the interviewers is "working at home today". WORKING AT HOME!!!! I've worked my NUTS off on this project and they can't even be bothered to come in to meet me!!!! The interview is postponed until thursday.

I was so looking forward to having it all over with too! Never mind. I can filly fally around with it now for 2 more days!...

Not much else to report. Not at nearly midnight anyway. Had phone consult with a US I.F Dr. He was recommended by a friend of a friend who succeeded on IVF TEN - her second with him.... He has a chain of clinics but she saw him in NY.
It was v interesting but he did seem a little financially driven. I've googled him and a piece in the NY Times said much the same. He did have some interesting ideas but made me wonder if the Dr's in the UK are getting me all wrong. His view was that the protocol being used on me is all wrong....Hmmmm.....Is he just making one big sales pitch or should I be on the next plane to the big country??? Mr G and I felt all a bit shell shocked by the talk but slept on it and are sticking with our London clinic for now. We just need to be getting on with another cycle really. We'll ask the London clinic about some of what US Dr had to say.

That's all for tonight. I'm off to read my book - the second book by the man who wrote The Kite Ru.nner. The film inspired me to read the book. It has a lot of same stuff as the KR - obviously the life experience of the writer. It's v moving and actually has some IF themes. Worth a read and I can't wait to get to bed and read a bit more!!

I was going to moan about a newly pregnanct fellow IVF'er - who has just found out she has twins inside but keeps on calling me to moan how crap she's feeling. I want to shout BE GRATEFUL LADY this is what you've been trying for for 5 years, but i'm too polite. It was her 7th IVF (6th fresh cycle) so she deserves it. I just wish she wouldn't moan so much about it. I'd love to be as sick as she is.....really!

Night night. My book calls xx

PS - one great big positive

An apology to you all.

In my list of the plusses in my life failed to include one of the biggest. All of you!

I'm not sure how i'd have survived the last (nearly) 2 years without you all. Whether I know you as a name and web page or whether i've managed to meet you in person.

I wonder how girls survived IF before the days of the internet. They must have felt so alone and isolated.

Thank you girls.

Enough gushing. I've recipes to create!!!

Happy New Year?

That's the $50M question. Will this year be happier than the last? I sincerely hope so.

Firstly - apologies for my depressive mood. Things are v up and down around here. It's hormone central.

As you might have guessed my whisper of hope for a miraculous conception was misplaced. On the morning of NYE my period showed up in full force and made my life fairly uncomfortable for a couple of days. My body most certainly made me pay for the December Men.opur-athon. The bright side of that news is that i'm booked in for the Hysterosco.py i need to have to get moving on the next cycle.

In general, Mr G and I are at quite a low ebb. We started 2007 with one failed IVF under our belts, but with IVF 2 on the way. In 12 months we've had 2 more failed IVF's - 3 if you count the cancelled cycle last month - under our belts. With money and work stresses and fertility struggles forming a big, fat grey cloud over most of our year, we've both felt a bit blue.

Yesterday, I asked Mr G what his high points of 2007 were. He said he hadn't had any. I told him off and said there MUST be something... We eventually came up with his surprise 40th birthday party and various treats I laid on for him.

He didn't push me for my highs, but the thing is, after giving him a hard time for being negative, i'm not sure I can come up with a high for me at all. Ask me about 2006 and my high points are easy-peasy lemon squeezy! We had our wonderful wedding and honeymoon. Just after we got back, I can remember feeling SO full of happiness I could have burst. Here I was, newly married to my soulmate with our lives ahead of us. I hadn't felt that happy in so long. At the time (miserable cow that I am) I worried that such a high couldn't last. It just seemed too good to be true. It was.

Shortly after that, we got the "severe impairment" news about Mr G's twitchers - the swimmers that don't swim. That started to wear away at my joy. I still had hope though. IVF ICSI was going to save the day, so it wasn't all bad. As time has gone on and the treatments have stacked up the sadness has more constantly been knocking at my door and I haven't felt that happy since.

I'm generally of a sunny nature and of course I've had good moments - sunny mornings, a chilled out lunch on the beach this summer with Mr G, dancing at a friend's wedding, being enveloped in big hugs from my gorgeous husband - but mostly, i've felt sad. I HATE what this has done to me. To us.

BUT - that's not to say I'm not aware of the positives in my life -

1. I have a wonderful husband
2. We have close and loving parents
3. We have a roof over our heads
4. We're both healthy.
5. We both have friends to speak to if we need to; and
6. We can - for a short time - afford to keep trying IVF the foreseeable future

SO - i'm going to keep looking on the bright side. This year WILL be different. We'll keep on trying. We're about to try out the top performing clinic in London AND we've got our N.HS cycle coming up. BUT we'll have to draw a line under this at some point and we're going to end the year (by which time i'll have reached the big "Four Oh") with some resolution. Whether we've gone to ED or started on the road to adoption I fully intend to be closer to having a famly.

Many congrats to those of my fellow bloggers who've been treated to BFP's for Christmas. Well done girls!

A very Happy New Year to all. I promise my next post will be brimming with happy and interesting news! I will not stay in this pity party hole for long.