Forgot to mention...

I'm OFF the PIO shots!


I know i've used this image before, but I love it and it shows how i'm feeling!

Thank goodness - it was really starting to get me down.

I feel guilty and a little ashamed to admit that as i know plenty of people would kill to be in the position of having to have those shots and really, i do realise daily how lucky i am to be doing them; but I'm still really bruised from the last couple, and the whole upper outer quadrant of both cheeks is almost totally progesterone filled lumps. They feel so tender. Whilst Mr G is mildly sad not to have his nightly eyeful of my bare buttocks, he's not going to miss my nightly whining as he administers the dose - so to speak.

The stupid clinic told me on Wednesday to just stop the shots. I then got a call from a nurse yesterday (thursday) after i'd gone cold turkey, telling me to switch to the gorgeous (Cyclo.gest) bottom bullets so as not to suddenly drop my proge.sterone! HOW useless are they?!

Still, hopefully no harm done and i'm now on a halved dose of steroids for the next 3 weeks or so and a reducing dose of the bullets for the same period. So, v soon i'll be almost totally drug free, apart from the once a day Clexane and aspirin and continued high dose Folic Acid for my positive MTHFR gene thang.

As I self-medicated the Folic originally - on the basis of advice from Almamay (who is now password protected or invite only) - i'm not entirely sure i have the right dose. Must do some research into that. As the clinic think i need to continue that indefinitely, i should perhaps double check my daily 5mg is correct.

I think probably all the drugs i'm taking may or may not be necessary, but i'm not willing to take any chances. This has been too long coming.

Right - i'm off to a Food Show and then a celebratory (?) waxing session. As i'm still pretty nauseous - it came back this week with a vengeance - i'm not sure how long i'll last at the show. It's a gorgeous sunny day here in London town and it's Mr G's birthday.

We'll probably have a fish and chip supper tonight after we've been to synagogue, and then tomorrow we're meeting his folks for lunch at one of our favourite restaurants which is near Portobello Road. After that i've booked a night at a hotel in a part of London we don't usually visit - Knightsbridge way. As he has worked almost all of the last two weekends, it'll be lovely just to hang out together for a couple of days.

Go TP (Warning: post contains some over excited baby stuff)

I am so relieved and excited.

TP passed the Nuchal Scan with flying colours.

The v plush scan centre we went to was all marble floors and soft music. We instantly felt they were making too much money, but hey, at this stage, we've spent so much money, a few hundred more pounds for peace of mind is not an issue.

First a wait, then blood was taken and then a longer wait until we were called. We were the 5th couple in for a Nuchal that morning. At 9am!

Anway TP was in fine form although seemd to have an attack of hiccups and he/she kept jumping up and down. The heart was beating away at 167bpm and Crown Rump length now 5.85mm. Nuchal Transluscency was 1.5mm with a (huge) nasal bone. All markers looking good.

They also check an angle of the face as Down's babies have flatter faces - that was also good. They checked blood flow in the stomach and the heart chambers and all were looking good. We saw both hands and feet, the cord and had a good look at blood flow in the placenta. It was so emotional for both of us.

Anyway...the numbers. The risk stats for my age are 1 in 93. Once they added in BP's measurements and my blood results we were down to 1 in 3101! That is, apparently about as good as it gets for my age. The Trisomy 13/18 risk is 1 in 5775 - even better.

It's hard to explain how I feel. I'm still aware we've a long way to go, but we've cleared another hurdle. I have that excited bubbly feeling in my tummy/chest that I had around the time Mr G and I got married. Before we got our "severe impairment" news just after we got back from our honeymoon. That was more or less two years ago now as we've just celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary.

Thank you G-d for getting us to this place and thank you all out there for being there for me along the way.

I still can't quite believe it.

Harumph

Technology is great, but not always...

Recently, someone sh*t hacked into one of my Yahoo accounts and has been sending (under my name) e mails to all my mailbox addressees offering "my" recommendation and discounts at my special store in China. I'm not sure what I was purveying but some (idiotically thick) people (who KNOW me!!) mailed me back thinking the pigeon English mail was actually from me! Durr! I suppose i was lucky it wasn't a mail offering P*n*s extensions or some hot chick and her sexual fantasies.

I think my Yahoo address has also now been sending other random offers. As i've cleared the address book on that account I think (hope) it's only me getting them. I tried to sort it out with Yahoo but they were TOTALLY useless.

IT Issue 2: I'm now being invaded by computer generated comments in my blog. Well, invaded is a bit strong, but it's happened more than once. Does anyone know if you can delete a comment? Does whoever is behind this REALLY think i'll just click on their link?!

It's almost as stupid as those pathetically bad fake bank "phishing" (is that how you spell it) e mails asking you to confirm all your most secret bank details, passwords, pin number etc OR even those mails you get from the Nigerian man or woman asking you to babysit several million pounds or dollars for them. Anyone who falls for that rubbish (almost) deserves what they get!

Soooooooooo.....the upshot of my having had my privacy invaded is that i've had to chang my blog settings. I didn't want for you all to have to do that "type in these letters" thing because I find that quite irritating, so i'll now moderate each comment before it goes up. I figured I read them on my email anyway so what difference.

Aaaaah...technology!

Passenger's first pic

We had our first Midwife appointment and Nuchal scan on Friday. This was our first involvement with the NHS - state-funded medical services - since I went to my GP.

We had no idea what to expect. We didn't have to wait TOO long for the scan and, despite the sonographer being a total loon, it was pretty efficient. It was my first "knickers-on" scan, which was a joy. When we explained we were a IVF pregnancy, the sonographer demanded our letter from our clinic. We didn't have one, nor did we know what she was talking about. We were severely told off and told we must bring something next time.

There followed some confusion about dates and last periods before we got down to business. As you can see from this the passenger was present and correct.

We heard a heartbeat (v emotional) for the first time and then struggled to get TP - as i'll refer to the passenger from now on as it's a bit of a mouthful to type - to do anything other than lie flat on his/her back. No amount of prodding would get any action, so I had to lie on my side for a minute or two to dislodge him/her. I turned onto my back and there was a flurry of movement as TP did a 180 degree flip to face the other way and then moved back again, onto my back. Difficult so and so - bound to be a boy! After that we got a little fist in the air - probably telling us to go away - and, at one point, a turn of the head to face us which was really eerie as it looked so alien. Gave Mr G the creeps! We also saw two arms and two legs - hurrah!

TP was measuring 11 weeks and 6 days, 4 days ahead of our dates, which was good. Crown Rump Length was 5.75mm (i think) and the Nuchal Fold was 1.6. They weren't v forthcoming with any info jsut kept barking at us whether or not we wanted to do the blood test for Down's. We do.

After paying for 4 photos of TP, we met a midwife, who was super surly. We spent about an hour answering her questions before she took some blood for the Down's test. That will go with the measurements and other info to work out our risk. They estimate 3 weeks to get the result unless you come back as high risk in which case they fast track the result. Just a teensy bit stressful....I've had moments of worry, but the measurement seems fine.

We've our private scan (paid for) on Wednesday. They do everything there and then and give you your risk levels same day. It might be best to stick to private scans from now on if i'm to stay calm.

Last night we went to Mr G's folks for a Seder supper. Mine were there too. We gave each mum a scan pic. They were delighted. They're gagging to tell everyone our news but we don't want them saying anything until after we know Wednesday's news.

My sickness had abated a bit last week but has returned in the last few days along with a HUGE (feed me RIGHT NOW) appetite. I can't WAIT to stop the PIO shots - my bottom HURTS!!

Cake

Sometimes I love my job...

This week, i've dined (and reviewed) at one of my favourite pizza pasta restaurants - which has just opened in my area - lunched at a Michelin starred restaurant and written a feature about teashops.

For three days this week I visited a series of gorgeous tea shops and sampled so many lovely cakes i was actually craving fruit!

I ate here and here

It was all done in the line of duty...of course!!

I managed - in all but one lovely place - to eat half (or even less) and take half home with me. I actually threw away half a - very lovely - chocolate muffin and half a peanut butter sandwich cookie last night. As I then ate a whole packet of chocolate buttons (yum) i'm not sure that actually says too much about my will power.

I - and by body - am lucky it's Passover this weekend and that my carb (if not my sugar) consumption will drop for at least a week.

I'll be dreaming of those cakes by this time next week.

Happy Pesach to all my Jewish readers - if any.

Sadly, both my friends doing cycles here had BFN's. My friend trying her last frostie - which had been PGD'd and was a perfect blast - was cruelly tricked by two lines on a stick followed by a lowish beta that failed to rise. My friend on her first cycle with one embie was beaten up by AF pitching up before she even got to test. I wish I could make it all better for both of them.

Friend one has decided to give up. In her early 40's she feels enough is enough. She's done enough cycles now - even got pg but lost twins at 9 weeks - and cant' go through it any more. Friend two is only at the start of her journey although she's just 40 and only managed to produce one egg this cycle. I hope she gets there. I hate seeing her and her husband going through this. F'ing IVF - it stinks.

Anxiety attack

Tomorrow i'll have reached the 11 weeks mark.

This week has not been without it's dramas. On Saturday - after three days of fairly intense lower back cramps - i saw what i'd not seen for some time - the pink tinged wipe. I like pink - one of my favourite colours, but I don't want to see it on my toilet paper. A trip to the bathroom produced this unwanted colourway. A frenzy of wiping followed with more dreaded pink.

My sickness has been letting up for the past few days and my boobs have been less painful... My mind raced forward to facing a start from the beginning again. Slipping all the way down a big fat snake (a la snakes and ladders) all the way to the start again. How would i tell the world our adventure was over? After a call to Mr G - stuck on the North Circular Rd on his way to Ikea - I rang my clinic's emergency number. The almost personality-free Dr - my least favourite one there - was unimpressed. He said not to worry. Shove a pessary up tonight and come in for a scan on Monday - IF I wanted to. He said he was really not v worried as he thought i'd have massive cramping if the passenger was leaving and was only offering a scan as I sounded so anxious. So much for TLC.

Subsequent bathroom visits produced brown stains (tmi i'm sure) and - after hours on the sofa doing v little - the back pain lessened up a bit.

Sunday produced some more staining and backache but I was feeing a bit more comfortable. By this morning I was relatively calm - probably because I was at the clinic and getting comfort just by being there. Just before we went in - after an hour's wait - I felt a dread of disaster but all was well. The Passenger is now 5cm and even deigned to give us a wave before swimming around a bit. I almost cried with relief - both that Passenger was there but also that for the first time we had seen movement. My back is still killing me. It's just like my pre-period back pain. Suppose it's just all that extra activity.

Sorry for a long self indulgent post. Good luck to my girls entering their 2WW's. I've everything crossed for you. I've a real life friend in her second week after her first IVF. She had one egg, one embryo. I'm praying for one of those miracles you read about... Lets hope April's full of miracles.

Scan update and post 155!!

Last scan with the clinic today and the passenger is measuring 3.75cm. The Doc pointed out hands, feet, arms legs and the all important heart beat. It looks like a teddy bear. The screen looked really blurry and it was only later that I realised i'd forgotten to put my specs on!!! Durrr!

That's it there except i'm waiting for the NK results. Had a full blood count done today and they were meant to call to tell me if i need IVI.g or not. No call, so i'm hoping it's good (no need) news.

I hate to moan but my rear is SO sore. All that gestone is taking its toll. Not only is the injectable quadrant on both cheeks almost totally covered in painful lumps but now i'm getting an itchy rash too! Gorgeous! I'm going to go into the clinic on the next couple of days to get them to inject into my leg. I'm too scared (what a wuss) to do that myself or to ask Mr G to do it, so i'm trusting the nurses to do it for me. It's agony if I just catch myself on the corner of a table or sit down too heavily.

I'm far braver and cool about needles than i'd every have believed. At today's blood test, i chatted so much that the vampire used the wrong coloured tube test tube. She had to chuck away the first tube FULL of my blood and do the whole draw again!! I was so totally fine with it. I'm just an old hand.

I've booked my Nuchal scan. Fingers crossed the passenger crosses that hurdle too.

ps: thanks for the iron advice ladies. V useful and thoughtful.

Pam and George

I'm not sure if i've mentioned this before, but i've unofficially adopted an old couple. Coming hot on the heels of my "Grandpa John" post this is going to sound like they're Grandparent surrogates. They're not.

The story began back around Xmas time. Mr G and I were out on long walk. We do a lot of walking and, as we live, reasonably close to the centre of London and so some beautiful parks, we use the weekend to go places on foot.

Anyway, about 5 minutes after leaving home, we passed an old lady struggling with heavy shopping. One bag suspended on a walking stick on wheels and the other in her hand. Mr G (who's actually much more thoughtful than me) turned to me and said should offer to help? We hummed and hah-ed for a minute or two and then went back to offer her some help. To our surprise, she wasn't scared and handed over the bags.

As we walked along we talked and she turned out to be bright and interesting. She does a crossword from one of our daily nationals and was asking us about the clues. She doesn't have internet - which we take for granted - and therefore no real way of finding out the answers other than in the next edition of that paper. I felt ashamed that i'd automatically judged her to be less intelligent because she's old. I think assumption that probably makes me less intelligent or, at least, ignorant.

She's married and her husband is housebound so she goes out when necessary. They do have someone who comes and does their main shop once a week though. She said her niece - who lives miles away - brings her the newspapers every so often, but in between she doesn't get it as it's too heavy for her to carry it home. I asked if she had children and she said no. An old woman living with her husband in a basement apartment in our suburb...she felt like the ghost of Christmas future....(We also live in a basement apartment)

We walked her to her door and she thanked us. We basked in a warm glow of having done something nice for someone.

I kept thinking how irritated i'd be to do a crossword and never know the answers, so I decided i'd take her a newspaper every Saturday - the edition she reads. First time I went back, it took ages to get in. Pam (for that was her name) and George, her husband, were delighted and happy for me to come back regularly. She only wants the paper every fortnight as she says there's too much for her to read otherwise. Sort of defeats the object on the crossword thing, but there you go.

Since then i've been back each fortnight. Sometimes I bake them stuff. Other times she gives me little gifts. I spend a little while with them - their apartment STINKS of cigarette smoke so I can't manage too long - and leave feeling really happy, if a little whiffy of smoke.

Such a small part of my life brings me a huge amount of joy, and, I hope, gives my old couple some pleasure too. I hope that doesn't sound sanctimonious.

pg stuff follows:

Life generally is fine. I've had some awful morning sickness - well, all day sickness really. No chucking up but just permanent feelings of sea or motion sickness. No complaints - it comforts me the passenger is on board. My GP found my haem.oglobin is low, so i'm now on iron tablets as well as my mega folic acid, steroid, multi-vits, dha/epa, B6 and daily aspirin. When super queazy i have to take them in yoghurt. I'm ok at this minute - which obviously then stresses a little that

Last scan with the clinic on Tuesday and i'll find out if more IV.Ig is on the cards. I'm starting to relax a bit and feel so immensely grateful for having got this far. Still anxious about getting to that magic 12 AND that the NT scan doesn't throw up any scary stuff, but at this point, every day is a miracle.

April Fool's Day

Today would have been my Grandpa's birthday. He was my last grandparent to die. I, my brother and sister and both my cousins ADORED him as did my nieces and nephews. He was a child magnet and an immensely popular man. I'm not sure anyone didn't like him.

I remember spending loads of time with him and Grandma as a child - playing games, gathering conkers (horse chestnuts), eating Cadbury's Dairy Milk and, when he was still working, visiting his "shmutter" factory in the East End of London. His factory used to make ladies' clothes and he himself was an excellent tailor. He used to make many outfits for my Grandma and had a tailor's dummy and sewing machine at home. We used to go up to their flat every Saturday for high tea - with loads of crumpets and cakes. Grandma was an excellent baker but as they got older, Grandpa did most of the work as she was more frail than him.

He had an amazing sense of humour and always had a joke for us. He outlived my father by about 5 months but (although we tried to hide it from him and he was very much "gone" mentally) i'm sure he knew Daddy had died. That makes me sad, but my great memories are of my laughing, joking Grandpa. I wish he'd met my darling Mr G as I know he'd have loved him. I hope he's looking down on us now with a smile on his face.

Today's scan went fine. The passenger is now 2.7cm - not a great change from last week which concerns me a little - but the Doc was pleased with progress. They took my blood to send to Chica.go for the N.K assay panel. The results will be back next week so I'll actually back there next week for a final scan. I'm quite pleased that i've another scan there. Nice to have that safety net.

After the scan I went to the lovely neighbouring patisserie and ate (healthy) 5 seed bread slathered with (not quite so healthy) choc praline spread. It was every bit as good as last week. I still can't stomach any hot drinks. The closest I can get is hot water with lemon in it. Other drinks just turn my stomach. Weird.

Happy Birthday Grandpa John.

I've been sorely disappointed by Jenny from the Block this week. Whether or not her fraternal twins - born to a 38 year old mother after years of trying - were IVF babies or not, it's offensive how vehemently she has denied it. I almost liked her - as i've warmed and felt a slight affinity to many female celebrities attempting to sneak a baby into the dusk of their reproductive years. I've gone right off her.



Also on the IVF news front. It was reported yesterday that a 57 year old lady has just had a perfect baby after IVF with DE. My first thought was concern at someone becoming a first time mum 3 years short of her pension.

She'd had 3 IVF cycles and had thought the last one had ended in a m/c. She was diagnosed with suspected Ovarian Cancer but when she went for a scan, they found a 30 week old growing foetus in there! I then read she'd spent her fertile years nursing her poor old mum and had only met Mr Right in recent years. Maybe that's ok. Thing is though, she's most likely going to end up needing that little girl to support her in years to come. It was encouraging though that a DE cycle can work at such an advanced age. Good luck to her and her husband.

Next topic - why is there no a book for people pregnant after IVF? IVF pregnancies must bring up more concerns than non-IVF ones. For a start, if something were to go wrong, there's no guarantee that you can start again. After 4/5 tries for this one, i'm not sure there's much chance of my being able to repeat the miracle. Every twingey, crampy, un-nauseous, less tired moment brings a mild panic. Each scan has me holding my breath in case this statistically unlikely miracle ceases to exist.

I want to do the right thing by my body and the passenger, but what am I allowed to do? Can I exercise like a "normal" pregnant person? How easy should I be taking things? Do the extra drugs I inject into my body 3 times a day and the steroid I pop each morning mean that i'll feel more/less hormonal? Right now, i'm too superstitious to be buying books anyway - perhaps I will if i reach the 12 week watershed. Does anyone know of a book? If not, perhaps i'll write one - i've plenty of ladies to ask for input.

I've reached the heady heights of 9 whole weeks today. I've a scan at my clinic tomorrow. Either way it should be my last one there. If it goes well, i'm released to find sonographers new. If it doesn't go well...well, there'll be nothing more to look at. Today i'm pretty crampy but that could be my slow guts which are grinding to a hormonal halt. I'm breakfasting on branflakes, filling my morning smoothie with bran and oats and snacking on dried fruits in an effort to move things along. It's not entirely sweet smelling in Mr G's and my love nest...

Oh - I went to see Love in the Time of Cholera yesterday. It was PANTS! It's full of young people made up to look old. I hate that - Just get an older actor!! Also, they use a really cute young guy for one character and then swap him for Javier Bardem (the deliciously evil villain from No Country for Old Men) from one scene to the next. He looks 20 years older, which I think he probably is. It's just desperately bad and way too long.

I also made marmalade over the weekend. I've been meaning to make it for ages. I just can't seem to master jam and marmalade making. I either stop boiling too soon and end up a too soft set or go to far and get a solid fruity mass. Yesterday's is a sweet orange liquid. Tastes great but spreads a bit too easily! I may have to go for a reboil. Just don't know the secret. The pics a generic marmalade, not mine.

I was worried my last post contained insensitive stuff as I had very few comments.(*) I really hope not. I've read it and re read it. I'm toying with a 2nd pg blog. I just don't want to go there just yet as it may be the shortest blog ever. I'll see. I really hope i'm not writing anything upsetting. I hope none of the above is. Perhaps i'll split neutral and IF stuff from pg stuff with a big line. Do let me know if you've any constructive criticism.

(*) Not that i'm precious about low comment numbers. It was just a drop off and I thought i'd check.

Threading rocks!

The threading was fantastic! Not too painful - not nearly as painful as an iv being inserted or my daily Cl.exane jab. I'm sure i'm better at pain now after so many jabs.

I've ended up with lovely neat brows and (i'm almost embarassed to admit) a much smoother top lip. I haven't exactly got a 'tache but I do get a bit self-conscious on a sunny day. It was done in minutes. i also had a manicure but later that day had a minor panic about nail varnish and took it all off - whilst holding my breath so I didn't breath in any chemicals. Nutter!!

Yesterday I finished off the major defuzz with a trip to my beautician for a bit of waxing. All areas are now smooth and hair free. Not really sure why I bothered. The only time i get my legs out at the moment is for my scans and i'm not sure the Doc is studying my hair growth - or at least I hope not.

My beautician is lovely. We've been together since before I married Mr G so she did all my wedding prep - facials, waxing etc - and gave me lots of advice. She got pg on her first month of trying but miscarried early in 2007 Once she tried again it took maybe 3 months and she's now a month off giving birth. She looks great. I've avoided her for a while as I couldn't face seeing how pg she was. She knows all about my IVF history. When I told her yesterday that I was v newly pg she gave me a huge hug. It was good not to feel so down at her happiness.

I also told my Uncle yesterday. He's my late father's brother and we're very close. He was delighted and amazed. He said he thought it wasn't going to happen. He of little faith. I said it's v v early days and we're still in the danger zone but it was good to make him happy.

I met my Uncle in a cafe i used to visit all the time. There was a girl in there who i recognised from the studio where I used to do Pilates. I went a few times a week pre-wedding to get in shape. It was amazing - Pilates really makes a huge difference. I was also about 20lbs lighter. Anyway, this girl was on the same track and got married about 6 months after me. She was in the cafe yesterday with her newish baby. It still rocked me a little that she'd gone straight through and had her child whilst I'm still en route. I felt very grateful that i have the passenger at least or that would've ruined my day.

My ex-nurse friend (she trained as a chef with me after she left nursing) was amazing at the ge.stone shot! I want to go there every day! So professional and almost zero pain! I think i need to ask her to give Mr G lessons. I also discovered that standing up and not lying face down on the bed is the way to go.

Finally, I can't believe there's yet more tragic news. Busted Babymaker's loss of her twins at 23 weeks is horrific. Life is so f'ing unfair. I'm not sure i'd be standing if that had happened to me. I'm praying for her to have the strength she needs to make it through this.

Mr G has gone to catch his plane

...as all was well at the scan.

My passenger is starting to look like a baby! It's amazing. We saw a head, the beginnings of limbs and its little beating heart. For the first time I felt a bit tearful.

Mr G was also a bit emotional, although, when I asked him afterwards, he said he was mildly distracted, because he was standing near my feet and not in the usual position up near my head and had a bird's eye (or should that be bloke's eye) view of my coozie. He couldn't decide where to look first...

Anyway, with the news all good today, we went off to a lovely patisserie where i hoovered up two slices of walnut bread slathered in choc/praline spread - yum. I then dropped Mr G at Pa.ddington Stn so he could catch the Heath.row Express to the airport for his plane to D.enmark.

I've asked an ex-nurse friend to do the honours with the Gest.one tonight. Had to share my news with her and she was delighted. Felt a little embarrassed to tell her...not sure why. I suppose this still feels very private. Perhaps when we're past the first trimester (fingers crossed) I'll feel a little more genuinely pg.

I'm off for manicure and some eyebrow threading now at a friend's house. Hope it's not too painful... Still, as most of us are well aware - you gotta put up with a whole lotta pain if you want any pleasure.

8w2d

Quick post as i should be getting dressed and ready to go for No 3 scan.

I'm a little nervous, but not nearly as nervous as I was on Monday when I was symptom-free all day. No nausea, no hunger, nothing. I spent half a day with Dr Google checking out sudden stoppage of pg symptoms. It didn't look good. Many sites telling me that it was a sign of m/c - can't even write the words here, too superstitious.

Anyway, I felt a little worse yesterday - return of ravenous moments and marginal nausea. As I was working in a friend's kitchen making canapes all day, it was good not to feel too bad. This morning, not only am I dog tired but also back into the whole nausea thing AND seem to have heartburn from my Weet.abix and banana breakfast. Mr G's delighted with my ailments. Especially as he has to fly off to Denma.rk and Sw.eden on a business trip just after our appointment and was terrified he'd be leaving a distraught wife.

I'm anxious but not scared stiff.

I'll write more later. With three husband free days, i'll have lots of time to bring you up to speed.

A huge hug to Almamay who's suffered another BFN. She doesn't deserve this s**t. Life's so f'ing unfair.

Not all moaning round here

I forgot to mention a couple of things that might make you smile.

My gorgeous DH is now treating me like an invalid. I'm not allowed to do anything. He now does the supermarket shop without me which involves at least 3 phone calls to check he's buying the right thing. Tonight i've answered queries on cheese, tinned tomatoes and breaded fish. Somehow the shop always costs quite a bit more than when I was doing it. This isn't going to last - especially since (call me weird but) I actually quite enjoy a mooch round the supermarket.

Second. We've been creating memories that will last a lifetime but possibly not ones i'll treasure exactly. Since we gave up the EM.LA with my nightly Gest.one shot we've been using ice. I don't actually have any ice trays at the moment so I was freezing a little dish of water to put on my butt pre jab. Forgot to freeze it the other night so I had to search the freezer for a suitable substitute. The smallest item was a frozen banana muffin. I'm not sure my s.ex appeal will ever recover since Mr G will always have the picture of me lying face down on the bed with a muffin on my behind.

BTW, the Doc said it would be ok to use EM.LA still. Even so, i'm just not prepared to risk it. I've surprised myself with my extremely cautious behaviour. No perfume, hair colour nor, worst of all, tuna!! A tiny sacrifice on the scale of things.

ps: Carrie - thanks for your offer. Yes I am a Mac user. Please, please help me get out of blogger dunce school!!!

8.5mm

Mr G asked me why I haven 't posted for a while. He's a lurker on my blog. Reads every post but never comments. Wonder if i've any others?

Anyway, the answer to his question was that generally, i've felt uncharacteristically quiet. I haven't really had much to say. I'm finding the transition from "in treatment" to "in transit" slightly awkward. I should be jumping for joy to have got this far (and I do thank G-d several times a day for getting Mr G and I to this point) but i'm cautious about writing something that might upset my friends still in treatment which is the last thing i'd want to do.

So, I need to find a way of writing that isn't so joy-filled as to upset those still in the trenches - not that I really feel quite out of there just yet. On the other hand, I don't want to sound so moany that I seem ungrateful for having got this far!

My news is good. We went for our scan on Monday. The Doctor who scanned me was pleased with how everything looked. He showed us a tiny heartbeat - not that Mr G or I really saw what he was pointing to despite our both saying "Aaah yes" as he gestured at the screen. He measured the tiny blob (I REFUSE to call it (*) a bean, I just find that really cutesy and irritating) and told us it was 8.5mm. Nearly a whole centimetre!

I'm immensely relieved but unable to accept this as a reality just yet. My symptoms come and go - which freaks me out no end. One minute can't even consider a bite to eat and almost heaving at every smell. Next minute no such difficulties and stuffing copious amounts in my mouth. My boobs are less tender today, although if I keep prodding them, they soon will be.

I'm sorry to write like this. I can just hear people saying - "why can't she just be grateful for what she's got!!" I am SO very grateful for having got this far. I think to myself several times each day how lucky I am. Having got here via 5 IVF's during which we were advised to give up) I know how blessed we are. I also know it could all disappear tomorrow. Life is very fragile.

This whole game is truly one of luck and chance. I hope that my story of perseverance and persistence gives others some hope. If the tiny blob does stick around, I'll have to think about how I continue to blog. I started this blog to share my experience of infertility with others, to get support and to give it. I'm not sure how my droning on about a pregnancy helps others. I'm not about to go anywhere, but I do need to work out how to go forward without upsetting others.

A big hug to Carrie at Precious LIttle... who got a BFN this week. (Becks - thanks for your advice on links. I tried to follow it, but it doesn't work for blogger! I'll keep trying - or move to wordpress - might be easier all round...)

(*) going to have to come up with a name for our little blob, but i'm really not one for nicknames etc. Cant keep calling them "it" for much longer though!

Update

Just a quick one as Mr G's nagging me to stop using my laptop...

The scan showed one sac and a little flickering white heartbeat! We have something inside! Phew!

I went straight down for my IVI.g which took the rest of the day. It was no hardship to be stuck indoors today as it has been revolting. Windy, rainy and stormy.

I'm back next Monday for a scan. I'll be 7 weeks then.

The hunger has kicked in. One minute i'm fine. The next i'm RAVENOUS. I don't need much to stop the hunger but it just arrives from nowhere and I suddenly HAVE to eat. I'm ready for my dinner right now.

I'm one step closer to that baby.

Scared

I've just read about Natalie at LunarDreams dot net. I've spelt out her address because I'm still too rubbish to manage a link. She's just lost her little boy at 36 weeks. THIRTY SIX WEEKS!!!! What a horrendous thing to happen and I can't imagine how she and her husband must be feeling. I felt I wanted to display this candle to them as a mark of respect.



Life's SO unfair. Why should this happen? Why does this happen to people who've been through so much to get pg in the first place. Haven't they had their share of heartache? Her post about the loss is heartbreaking. I shed a tear for her.

*************************************************************************

This morning i'm scared. I feel less and less pregnant. I haven't woken up desperate to pee for the last few mornings. My nausea is less and less and my bosoms, whilst tender, are not as big as they were. I wish I could calm down and stop worrying but it's so hard not to.

I spent last night stressing because (and i'm almost tempted not to mention this as i'm embarrassed for being so stupid) i have each night post BFP continued to rub EM.LA cream into my butt before my gest.one jab. I have been careful to use paraben free hand creams and body products, no perfumes, additives, hair colour, dodgy foodstuffs but have continued to rub local anaesthetic into my skin!! What was I thinking of?! Last night we went EM.LA-free for the jab and guess what? It was fine! I so hope I haven't done anything awful.

At 10.15 today I have a (very early) scan to see what's there. This will help them decide on the IVI.g timetable. I may or may not be staying at the clinic for the day. They don't feed us so I need to take food. I've put some snacks in a bag but almost feel too superstitious to take them with me. What if there's nothing inside me and they send me home? I won't want a silly bag of food reminding me that i'd hoped everything was normal. Neurotic? I know. I think i'll just be this way permanently until there's a baby in my arms.

Anyway. I'll let you later know how I get on.

My bum does look big in this

It's been a funny few days. I've been asked twice if i'm pg. Weird. I'm starting to worry i've put on way too much weight during this cycle.

On Thursday, I was helping out at a synagogue function. A lady in her 60's and I were washing up in the kitchen. I said how hungry I was as I shovelled a chocolate brownie in my mouth. She asked when I was due. I looked so horrified and said "what?!!" in such an amazed way, that she must have assumed she'd done that calling the fat bird pg thing. She was obviously mortified, quickly backtracked and totally changed the subject. I was wearing a fairly smocky dress and my tummy is a bit swollen after the jabs, but omg! If i'd not been so early on in this and had i known her better I might have put her out of her misery

Today, our electrician came to fix something for us. We've known him a while and he knows we've been trying. I'd just got up (it was early) and was wearing a big sweatshirt and loose trousers. He saw me and said - "Have you something to tell me? Have you got some news?". Mr G just looked at me helplessly and I said actually yes, we do but it's really early days. The electrician (who's so lovely) was mortified that he said such a thing. I'm now 100% paranoid that i'm a fat heffer.

Mr G didn't help when he said my bottom IS bigger. Surely he's been married long enough to know the answer to the bottom question is always a no, even if the said posterior is the size of a bus. He said it's probably all the gestone we're injecting. AS IF!!!!

Never mind. At least I AM pg and not being asked by people randomly. Nonetheless, i'm clearly not going to be one of those gorgeous girls who doesn't look pg from behind and whose tiny bump disappears as soon as she's dispensed her cute little bundle. I'll just have to eat heathily and start exercising again once i've got over this humongous tiredness.

The clinic have stopped testing my hcg. I got to the 14,000's last week and they said to come in on Monday for a scan. They may or may not do the IVI.g on Monday, depending on what they find in there. I'm pretty nervous and positive I have fewer symptoms today.... I wish we were able to know what's going on in there. A little window perhaps....

Knickers - the post with TMI

I've finally got a scan date!

After my fifth (!) blood draw - which had doubled again (7439) the clinic have said i'll probably have IVIg on Monday with a scan first. They scan first to make sure it's worth pumping thousands of pounds into my veins. They told me not to expect to see much as it will be so early - 6 weeks exactly since ER. After reading many tales of empty sacs i know to try to be calm if there's no magical flickering.

Symptoms are minimal. Wipe out tiredness; frequent weeing - generally once in night and then not being able to sleep again for ages; v tender bosoms; nausea from time to time but not enough to stop me eating and lots of CM (i know tmi but it's been heavy since my 2WW and has me off to the bathroom for a knicker check and a wipe every half hour in case it's more than just CM.

On the subject of knickers I usually stick to black undies. As it's far too difficult for the neurotic woman to check for spotting, I actually went to buy white knickers especially so I can be certain of any minute spotting episodes. I'm almost embarrassed!

Also in knickers, a warning tale. I usually warm up my gestone in my bra for while pre jab. The nurse told me to. Helps it go in better. The other day, i had no bra on as it had been too tight and making me sore. Sooooooo i thought i'd pop it in my knickers. Just in the waist band as it was the only place it'd be close to my skin. Not clever. Went for a pre injection wee and dropped the vial on the tiled floor. It broke and i lost the lot and had to spend time wiping oily goo from the floor. They're so hard to crack open but just break into pieces with a little tap on the floor. How does anyone else warm up gestone or do they? Does it make a difference?

Off to work now xx

Feels like spring

We have loads of daffodils growing in our garden. It give me huge pleasure each time I look outside. Even if it's not sunny it looks it as they're so brightly coloured. These aren't ours but i thought i'd include them to cheer up my post.

On the pregnancy front - things are continuing to move up. Sunday's hcg score was 3411 - more than double friday's 1471. My cramps had stopped so I'd got myself into a panic about everything having stopped. I really must calm down.

The nurse who called also told me that my NK tests were back and that I may need another IVI.g - at £1400(!) I'm not sure how they decide whether or not to do it. Perhaps if I stop doubling. I've another test on Tuesday.

Yesterday morning I went for my blood test. The vampire centre opens at 9am. I arrived at 9.10am and was already number in the queue!! It was madness! Bumped into a girl i'd cycled with - the first time i've seen any of the girls I spent so much time chatting too. She had waited since last August to cycle as her FSH was so high. She's only in her early 30's. They finally let her go for it at 12.7 and she'd managed a BFP. However, it was only 42 and had gone down the second time. She was in for a third test to establish whether or not she has a pregnancy that will continue. I really felt for her. It was her first cycle though so I hope that even if this isn't the one maybe the next one will be.

I'm a little more excited about the future, but still a bit tetchy. My mum and dad came over for tea yesterday as it was Mother's Day. I made some scones, bagels and bridge rolls (little sweetened bread rolls) with a mixture of smoked salmon, hummus and cucumber as well as a clementine cake. The pictured cake's not mine but it looks just the same. It's the easiest recipe in the world and delicious - well worth a try.

We didn't really talk about the pregnancy too much. We're all a bit scared to go there I think. My mum gave me a huge hug when she turned up. When the clinic called with my hcg results we talked some more about what's going on.

I'm not sure why, but I feel just a bit irritable with my mother. I can't work out why. Since we got a bfp she's told me twice about a cousin (who married a year after us) who is already 5 or 6 months pg. No one had told me before. I understand why.

Now that we have a chance at our own baby she keeps telling me I should ring and congratulate my cousin. I hardly ever speak to this cousin normally so I don't feel that i'm suddenly fertile (or magnnanimous) enough to be totally cool about calling up to wish her well. It makes me feel very guilty but perhaps my mother should be a little more sensitive.

On the subject of Mother's Day, although everything was full of it (papers, card shops, restaurants) it was nice not feeling totally distraught about my not being a mummy myself. I can't yet quite see myself being one next year but my chances are a whole lot better than they were.

I still feel a little guilty about posting about my BFP. So many people are still not. I hope though that my age and IVF history gives people some hope ...