Monday's scan went fine and I spent much of the rest of the starting to believe that this might turn out ok.
We saw a more defined looking pair of blobby shapes - body and head - the yolk sac and a heartbeat which was, apparently at a good frequency. It measured 12mm. Phew. The scan was with Dr Doom, who has started to warm up a bit with us and was quite upbeat.
Oddly, he ordered HCG and progesterone tests. Progesterone I get, but HCG? Surely we're past that. I was going to query it but thought, 'what the hey, might as well' as I don't want to rock the boat.
All the stats say such great things about a strong heartbeat at this stage with great percentages for likelihood of getting past the 1st trimester (and beyond). Then they go and ruin it by excluding older mothers and IVF'rs. Not too sure where I stand on the older mum thang as this embryo was formed from a 37 year old egg. I hope the various risks are based on that. I'm sure a Nuch.al scan would use that age.
Anyway, the fly in my ointment came at 6ish when Dr Doom rang to tell me that my progesterone has fallen AGAIN. It's gone down to 150 from 185. What's WITH my flipping hormones? I know the level is still seriously high, but WHY is my body going in the wrong direction?!!
I'm guessing if there was an embryo issue the embryo would show signs of flagging. This is my body playing up. Work with me here, love!!
I've got to go in for blood tests (Immunes and full blood count) tomorrow morning. If they can establish what's going on, I suppose they'll change my meds.
This is keeping me on my toes.
I'm still tired (exhausted) and on-and-off nauseous, so my body's doing something right.
Let's see what tomorrow holds...
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Anniversaries
I've spent the last couple of evenings catching up on Brothers and Sisters. Well, actually, sobbing in front of it.
I love that show. Kitty's just been diagnosed and they're handling the news. I think the US are ahead of us so you may well know where it's all going.
Anyway, I wonder if I would be so emotional if my hormones weren't raging.
Wednesday's scan was fine. Embryo measuring 5.25mm. Not sure if it had grown massively or if it was just the dIfferent machine and different Doc. Whatever. Heart still beating and no more scans until next week. Prog.esterone is up too- highest yet, so also good news.
This weekend marks the anniversary of our baby blessing when we took out little boy up in front of our synagogue community and thanked G-d for giving him to us. It was 14th February because that, in turn, marked exactly a year since our little boy was transferred to my safe care as an embryo. It's one of those memories that will stick in my head forever.
I've a whole raft of those now, good and bad - the phone call telling us that Mr G's fertility was severely impaired, the moment each cycle turned out to be a BFN, the phone call telling us that I was (after cycle 5) pg, Mr G's reaction as he heard me hearing our news, B's first kick in my tummy and the first time Mr G felt one of those kicks, the moment i held B in my arms for the first time and looked him in the eye. Just a few of the moments that have made me feel so good or so bad that they're ingrained in my head.
I've started building them again with this little one, but am too scared at this stage to think too much about it. They'll still be there if this little one isn't here to stay with us, but I don't know yet whether they'll be happy or bittersweet.
Tonight my priority is B who has a stinker of a cold. Poor little thing is so bunged up and has a terrible cough. I hate not being able to help him - he sounds so pitiful crying in his cot.
I've been cooking today for a bed bound ex-neighbour of Mr G's who has asked if I could bring her some food. Steak and kidney pie (filling done in my slow cooker) and a Chicken Cacciatore. She has no teeth and asked that I cook the meat to melting softness. The slow cooker did a grand job of the steak and kidney and I did the chicken on a low heat in the oven and it's literally falling off the bone. I hope that she likes it. We're going to take B up there to (hopefully) put a smile on her face - just so long as his cold's a bit better.
Next scan Monday...
I love that show. Kitty's just been diagnosed and they're handling the news. I think the US are ahead of us so you may well know where it's all going.
Anyway, I wonder if I would be so emotional if my hormones weren't raging.
Wednesday's scan was fine. Embryo measuring 5.25mm. Not sure if it had grown massively or if it was just the dIfferent machine and different Doc. Whatever. Heart still beating and no more scans until next week. Prog.esterone is up too- highest yet, so also good news.
This weekend marks the anniversary of our baby blessing when we took out little boy up in front of our synagogue community and thanked G-d for giving him to us. It was 14th February because that, in turn, marked exactly a year since our little boy was transferred to my safe care as an embryo. It's one of those memories that will stick in my head forever.
I've a whole raft of those now, good and bad - the phone call telling us that Mr G's fertility was severely impaired, the moment each cycle turned out to be a BFN, the phone call telling us that I was (after cycle 5) pg, Mr G's reaction as he heard me hearing our news, B's first kick in my tummy and the first time Mr G felt one of those kicks, the moment i held B in my arms for the first time and looked him in the eye. Just a few of the moments that have made me feel so good or so bad that they're ingrained in my head.
I've started building them again with this little one, but am too scared at this stage to think too much about it. They'll still be there if this little one isn't here to stay with us, but I don't know yet whether they'll be happy or bittersweet.
Tonight my priority is B who has a stinker of a cold. Poor little thing is so bunged up and has a terrible cough. I hate not being able to help him - he sounds so pitiful crying in his cot.
I've been cooking today for a bed bound ex-neighbour of Mr G's who has asked if I could bring her some food. Steak and kidney pie (filling done in my slow cooker) and a Chicken Cacciatore. She has no teeth and asked that I cook the meat to melting softness. The slow cooker did a grand job of the steak and kidney and I did the chicken on a low heat in the oven and it's literally falling off the bone. I hope that she likes it. We're going to take B up there to (hopefully) put a smile on her face - just so long as his cold's a bit better.
Next scan Monday...
Monday, February 08, 2010
Update
The clinic rang with today's results.
HCG up to 15,684 - that's just over double in the 72 hours since last test. Progesterone is up to 163.
Head Doc thinks no need for IVI.g just yet but i'm back in on Wed for another scan to see how the little one's doing.
Feeling a little more like this could go the right way.
xx
HCG up to 15,684 - that's just over double in the 72 hours since last test. Progesterone is up to 163.
Head Doc thinks no need for IVI.g just yet but i'm back in on Wed for another scan to see how the little one's doing.
Feeling a little more like this could go the right way.
xx
An interesting morning...
A ver-reee interesting morning indeed.
Us 3 went to the clinic and, as usual we had a long wait for the scan. I felt extremely awkward in a room full of women in treatment and couples there for a "teach" session with B trotting around exclaiming "mummy", "car" and "ra, ra" at random intervals. Wind back 2 years (when i was nearing the end of the cycle that brought me B) and had anyone told me i'd be there with my child one day, i'd have laughed in their face.
Anyway, eventually, we were called upstairs. The receptionist said we'd go straight in but whoever got called up with us did a real sly one and sneaked in ahead of us. There are some things you just don't do - and that's really not playing the game.
Unaware of this, we waited several minutes - probably 10 - outside the door, and, with B getting less and less enamoured of his day trip to a London IV.F clinic (well, return home really) I decided to knock. I opened and saw a Dr and patient (Miss Sly Fox herself) and apologised. What i did clock is that i'd seen that Doc before.
"Goodness!" i said to Mr G "I think the Dr in there is Dr Doom" (not his name, although it might as well have been). Dr Doom was the head honcho from the clinic who told us to give up back in December 2007. The man who damn near broke my heart.
Cut a long story short, when we got in there he introduced himself and it WAS!! I told him, the last time we saw you, you told us we'd never be successful and that you wouldn't treat us any more. We came here and this - gesturing at my little boy - is the result. I've dreamed of telling that man he was wrong and here was my moment. Bizarre.
He has been working for my top Doc for a year now. He said he wanted to do what the top Doc is doing and to learn from him! Mad.
Anyway, cut to the chase - because I know you'll be waiting for this. The scan showed a sac, foetal pole and tiny little heartbeat. Measurement was 4.6mm. All good.
Dr Doom had no idea of where I was at in my treatment - he'd even asked me when I walked in where I was in my cycle(!!!!) I had to tell him what was going on and what drugs I was on. That threw me somewhat and I didn't think to ask about my slow rising levels and up and down progesterone until I was leaving. He said the HCG should be doubling every 2 days - which didn't help my nerves about this - and that the progesterone falling was not good. Great. So, i've a heartbeat - which, to be honest, I couldn't really see, but Mr G says he could - but still a fear of falling.
More bloods were taken today and i've left a message with the clinic asking them to ask the top Doc whether or not IVI.g would help and if the different steroid this time makes a difference.
I'm extremely relieved to see someone in there, but for now, still concerned and, this afternoon, pretty symptomless. : (
Us 3 went to the clinic and, as usual we had a long wait for the scan. I felt extremely awkward in a room full of women in treatment and couples there for a "teach" session with B trotting around exclaiming "mummy", "car" and "ra, ra" at random intervals. Wind back 2 years (when i was nearing the end of the cycle that brought me B) and had anyone told me i'd be there with my child one day, i'd have laughed in their face.
Anyway, eventually, we were called upstairs. The receptionist said we'd go straight in but whoever got called up with us did a real sly one and sneaked in ahead of us. There are some things you just don't do - and that's really not playing the game.
Unaware of this, we waited several minutes - probably 10 - outside the door, and, with B getting less and less enamoured of his day trip to a London IV.F clinic (well, return home really) I decided to knock. I opened and saw a Dr and patient (Miss Sly Fox herself) and apologised. What i did clock is that i'd seen that Doc before.
"Goodness!" i said to Mr G "I think the Dr in there is Dr Doom" (not his name, although it might as well have been). Dr Doom was the head honcho from the clinic who told us to give up back in December 2007. The man who damn near broke my heart.
Cut a long story short, when we got in there he introduced himself and it WAS!! I told him, the last time we saw you, you told us we'd never be successful and that you wouldn't treat us any more. We came here and this - gesturing at my little boy - is the result. I've dreamed of telling that man he was wrong and here was my moment. Bizarre.
He has been working for my top Doc for a year now. He said he wanted to do what the top Doc is doing and to learn from him! Mad.
Anyway, cut to the chase - because I know you'll be waiting for this. The scan showed a sac, foetal pole and tiny little heartbeat. Measurement was 4.6mm. All good.
Dr Doom had no idea of where I was at in my treatment - he'd even asked me when I walked in where I was in my cycle(!!!!) I had to tell him what was going on and what drugs I was on. That threw me somewhat and I didn't think to ask about my slow rising levels and up and down progesterone until I was leaving. He said the HCG should be doubling every 2 days - which didn't help my nerves about this - and that the progesterone falling was not good. Great. So, i've a heartbeat - which, to be honest, I couldn't really see, but Mr G says he could - but still a fear of falling.
More bloods were taken today and i've left a message with the clinic asking them to ask the top Doc whether or not IVI.g would help and if the different steroid this time makes a difference.
I'm extremely relieved to see someone in there, but for now, still concerned and, this afternoon, pretty symptomless. : (
Saturday, February 06, 2010
5wks5days
At times like this, my internet use shoots up. Nothing is more comforting (or, at times, unnerving) than a good trawl. Message boards, quack sites and blogs are all useful fodder. Although, after several years of freaking myself out, i've learned (sort of) when to switch off. It's a hard habit to break though.
My HCG went up to 7105 on Friday. The clinic didn't call until after 6pm, which was stressful in itself. Prog was up to 169, so heading back in the right direction. The numbers hadn't doubled - or even close, but my helpful graph said the increase from start to now was 'adequate'. As there's precisely zero I can do about any of this, i've just got to go with it.
The nurse - who wasn't overly confident and who is, I suspect, quite new to the job - agreed the rate had slowed down but said the top doc wasn't worried. He'd ordered me to stick with my meds and come in for a scan on Monday or Tuesday. No more bloods til then.
Monday OR Tuesday..... Eeeeeeerm, let me see. Monday or Tuesday? Like there's a choice!!!! I'm booked in for 9am Monday morning, when Mr G, B and I (no one to sit for us) will be waiting to hear what's happening in there. I'm in a strange place because of those numbers, but like Betty M said, perhaps the continual testing is counterproductive.
Symptom-wise, i've had on and off nausea (particularly in the morning but lots of the day), dragging tiredness and a bit of edginess. There's the odd cramp too.
I'm convinced now that B was one of two. Those numbers were SO high. Of course that means that his co-embie disappeared at some point which THEN means i'm more anxious i've only the one embie in there to lose! Too much thinking. So, i prefer to read other people's stories and take my mind of my own.
Two more sleeps and we MAY have an idea what's what. Obviously with these numbers and at only 6 weeks there's every chance it'll be too early for a heartbeat. We'll cross that bridge as and when.
My HCG went up to 7105 on Friday. The clinic didn't call until after 6pm, which was stressful in itself. Prog was up to 169, so heading back in the right direction. The numbers hadn't doubled - or even close, but my helpful graph said the increase from start to now was 'adequate'. As there's precisely zero I can do about any of this, i've just got to go with it.
The nurse - who wasn't overly confident and who is, I suspect, quite new to the job - agreed the rate had slowed down but said the top doc wasn't worried. He'd ordered me to stick with my meds and come in for a scan on Monday or Tuesday. No more bloods til then.
Monday OR Tuesday..... Eeeeeeerm, let me see. Monday or Tuesday? Like there's a choice!!!! I'm booked in for 9am Monday morning, when Mr G, B and I (no one to sit for us) will be waiting to hear what's happening in there. I'm in a strange place because of those numbers, but like Betty M said, perhaps the continual testing is counterproductive.
Symptom-wise, i've had on and off nausea (particularly in the morning but lots of the day), dragging tiredness and a bit of edginess. There's the odd cramp too.
I'm convinced now that B was one of two. Those numbers were SO high. Of course that means that his co-embie disappeared at some point which THEN means i'm more anxious i've only the one embie in there to lose! Too much thinking. So, i prefer to read other people's stories and take my mind of my own.
Two more sleeps and we MAY have an idea what's what. Obviously with these numbers and at only 6 weeks there's every chance it'll be too early for a heartbeat. We'll cross that bridge as and when.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Just a quick one as it's late
...i've worked tonight and am working tomorrow so must get to bed.
Monday's beta was not quite double at 2359 and today's was again, almost but not quite double at 4584. As they are consistent and when plugged into a clever graph on babymed.com which i tried to link up but which hasn't worked.
The slight concern I have is that my progesterone is falling. 175 then 161 and today, 131. The nurses tell me not to be concerned but, obviously, I am. Not sure what to take from that. I'm busily shooting up with Gest.one but it's an uphill battle.
Aside from that I'm doing ok. I must think to myself "Oh my goodness, I'm pregna.nt!" about,errrrrm, 20,000 times a day.
It's SUCH a novelty. I know i've done it before, but this is somehow different. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because i'm the luckiest girl in the world to have my little boy and i'm not sure i've any more luck due. (I so hope I am) I'm well aware this could vanish in a heartbeat - or lack of one - but for now, i'm allowing myself moments of enjoying the thought that, like normal fertile folk, i've got a little boy and a potential second one in my belly. I can't quite believe it but also can't quite let myself go with it as that'd open me up to the huge fall if (when?) this goes south.
I've met a new IF friend. We kept bumping into each other at the clinic and clicked right away. I was with B and, embarrassed and sensitive to being the lady with a baby at the IF clinic felt the need to announce he was the result of my 5th IV.F AND at that clinic.
She was on her 5th IV.F and had, for the first time got a decentish beta. However, her scores were at times not doubling and weren't huge. Sadly, her pregnancy turned out to be ectopic. I so felt for her and wanted to let her have my number to talk but felt odd about it. I happened to stalk her out from her messages on an IF message board site and she got back to me straight away. We've become friendly and she was able to lend me some drugs yesterday when my pharmacy let me down. She even offered to drive them round at 10pm. I didn't take her up on that but popped over to see her today and met her Mum. She's a sweetie and i'm immensely grateful that people like her are about. I hate IF but it's amazing how there's a camaraderie in all being in this together. I'm sure she'll get there, she's SO close.
Better get to bed now.
Thanks to those that have popped by to congratulate.
xx
Monday's beta was not quite double at 2359 and today's was again, almost but not quite double at 4584. As they are consistent and when plugged into a clever graph on babymed.com which i tried to link up but which hasn't worked.
The slight concern I have is that my progesterone is falling. 175 then 161 and today, 131. The nurses tell me not to be concerned but, obviously, I am. Not sure what to take from that. I'm busily shooting up with Gest.one but it's an uphill battle.
Aside from that I'm doing ok. I must think to myself "Oh my goodness, I'm pregna.nt!" about,errrrrm, 20,000 times a day.
It's SUCH a novelty. I know i've done it before, but this is somehow different. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because i'm the luckiest girl in the world to have my little boy and i'm not sure i've any more luck due. (I so hope I am) I'm well aware this could vanish in a heartbeat - or lack of one - but for now, i'm allowing myself moments of enjoying the thought that, like normal fertile folk, i've got a little boy and a potential second one in my belly. I can't quite believe it but also can't quite let myself go with it as that'd open me up to the huge fall if (when?) this goes south.
I've met a new IF friend. We kept bumping into each other at the clinic and clicked right away. I was with B and, embarrassed and sensitive to being the lady with a baby at the IF clinic felt the need to announce he was the result of my 5th IV.F AND at that clinic.
She was on her 5th IV.F and had, for the first time got a decentish beta. However, her scores were at times not doubling and weren't huge. Sadly, her pregnancy turned out to be ectopic. I so felt for her and wanted to let her have my number to talk but felt odd about it. I happened to stalk her out from her messages on an IF message board site and she got back to me straight away. We've become friendly and she was able to lend me some drugs yesterday when my pharmacy let me down. She even offered to drive them round at 10pm. I didn't take her up on that but popped over to see her today and met her Mum. She's a sweetie and i'm immensely grateful that people like her are about. I hate IF but it's amazing how there's a camaraderie in all being in this together. I'm sure she'll get there, she's SO close.
Better get to bed now.
Thanks to those that have popped by to congratulate.
xx
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Still holding my breath
Just heard from the clinic and we're now up to 1340. That embryo is motoring.
My progesterone is a mood (un)enhancing, husband snapping, nerve fraying 173. We're really feeling that one - or at least Mr G is. Not that he's being noble about it. He just keeps telling me how highly strung I am and that i need to calm down. I KNOW THAT!!!!! (Said in shouty voice) Not that easy when you're pumping syringes full of chemically induced hormonal angst into your butt muscles every night. I wonder if normal pg women are terrorists?
Never mind, it's all in a good cause. The best cause.
It's bitterly cold again and there was a thin layer of snow out there when i left for today's beta. They didn't tell us that was coming. It melted in Central Lon.don when the sun actually came out today. Long may that continue.
I'm writing a piece for a restaurant mag and struggling to concentrate. I've visited 2 cafes in the last couple of days that i'd like to write about - one excellent one in Hampst.ead - Ginger & White and a second, in Maryleb.one, which was also worth a return visit - mostly for the ice cream bar part of it, called Cocorino. Whilst i've enjoyed gorging myself on cranberry granola, porridge, oreo cupcakes and red velvet cupcakes, banana caramel cake and olive bread, i've still not really got it nailed and have a deadline looming. My brain has been a bit (entirely) ambushed by this embryo. I need to find a bit of focus.
B started swimming lessons yesterday. We both went and Mr G went in. I should have vanished, because my screaming son only wanted me. I ended up borrowing a swimsuit and going in to hold him. Once he'd seen other babies enjoying themselves and worked out it could be fun in there he released his clamped arms and legs from around me and started to actually enjoy himself. I backed off so Mr G could do the Daddy thang as planned and they had a great time splashing around. He was enjoying it so much that when it was time to give back the float to the teacher he just said "na" and snatched it away from her. He was so happy on our drive home - I hope next week starts where we left off...
Next beta is on Monday. We're catching up with B's scores, but still only about half of what they were last time. Main thing is that it's moving.
My progesterone is a mood (un)enhancing, husband snapping, nerve fraying 173. We're really feeling that one - or at least Mr G is. Not that he's being noble about it. He just keeps telling me how highly strung I am and that i need to calm down. I KNOW THAT!!!!! (Said in shouty voice) Not that easy when you're pumping syringes full of chemically induced hormonal angst into your butt muscles every night. I wonder if normal pg women are terrorists?
Never mind, it's all in a good cause. The best cause.
It's bitterly cold again and there was a thin layer of snow out there when i left for today's beta. They didn't tell us that was coming. It melted in Central Lon.don when the sun actually came out today. Long may that continue.
I'm writing a piece for a restaurant mag and struggling to concentrate. I've visited 2 cafes in the last couple of days that i'd like to write about - one excellent one in Hampst.ead - Ginger & White and a second, in Maryleb.one, which was also worth a return visit - mostly for the ice cream bar part of it, called Cocorino. Whilst i've enjoyed gorging myself on cranberry granola, porridge, oreo cupcakes and red velvet cupcakes, banana caramel cake and olive bread, i've still not really got it nailed and have a deadline looming. My brain has been a bit (entirely) ambushed by this embryo. I need to find a bit of focus.
B started swimming lessons yesterday. We both went and Mr G went in. I should have vanished, because my screaming son only wanted me. I ended up borrowing a swimsuit and going in to hold him. Once he'd seen other babies enjoying themselves and worked out it could be fun in there he released his clamped arms and legs from around me and started to actually enjoy himself. I backed off so Mr G could do the Daddy thang as planned and they had a great time splashing around. He was enjoying it so much that when it was time to give back the float to the teacher he just said "na" and snatched it away from her. He was so happy on our drive home - I hope next week starts where we left off...
Next beta is on Monday. We're catching up with B's scores, but still only about half of what they were last time. Main thing is that it's moving.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Today's scores
This morning's HCG (15dp3dt) was 495. More than double Tuesday's score. Funnily enough, i'm feeling less pg than ever.
I get the odd moment of nausea or light headedness and the tiredness, but it's so early, there's a lot of disturbingly normal time.
That said, this little embryo does seem to be hanging on in there. (I hate even saying it just in case i jinx anything!)
I'm exhausted. It's partly my body feeling tired but more because of my own anxiety and B's continued early wake ups. I can usually doze when he wakes at 5 something in the morning and starts trotting out his vocabulary of about 10 words. Well, he mostly says "Daddy" and "Car" with the odd "Mama" to make me feel better. At the moment, i'm up as soon as he is and up we both stay. Both of us in our own beds. Me silent. Him increasingly noisy until it reaches a fever pitch of "come and get me" wails and Mr G goes in to get B up.
I'm still awaiting my instructions from the clinic for today (at 6pm!) but imagine it'll be a blood test on Saturday morning.
I'll post again when i've got more to say. Feeling a bit monosyllabic today.
Oh - went to work last night which was full-on but fun. Taught apple tarts with creme anglais and spinach, bacon and mango salad. A new group of demanding beginners but i'm sure they'll improve. I had to 'fess up to my colleague what's going on for me as I need to avoid heavy lifting just for now. She told me she did years of IVF and then adopted. IF truly is all around.
I get the odd moment of nausea or light headedness and the tiredness, but it's so early, there's a lot of disturbingly normal time.
That said, this little embryo does seem to be hanging on in there. (I hate even saying it just in case i jinx anything!)
I'm exhausted. It's partly my body feeling tired but more because of my own anxiety and B's continued early wake ups. I can usually doze when he wakes at 5 something in the morning and starts trotting out his vocabulary of about 10 words. Well, he mostly says "Daddy" and "Car" with the odd "Mama" to make me feel better. At the moment, i'm up as soon as he is and up we both stay. Both of us in our own beds. Me silent. Him increasingly noisy until it reaches a fever pitch of "come and get me" wails and Mr G goes in to get B up.
I'm still awaiting my instructions from the clinic for today (at 6pm!) but imagine it'll be a blood test on Saturday morning.
I'll post again when i've got more to say. Feeling a bit monosyllabic today.
Oh - went to work last night which was full-on but fun. Taught apple tarts with creme anglais and spinach, bacon and mango salad. A new group of demanding beginners but i'm sure they'll improve. I had to 'fess up to my colleague what's going on for me as I need to avoid heavy lifting just for now. She told me she did years of IVF and then adopted. IF truly is all around.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Movin' on up ...
...to 195 today.
Not double, but then it's only 24 hours. I'll be back in on Thursday for another blood let.
I still have a niggling worry about these numbers compared to B's. He doubled in 24 hrs from 330 to 660 AND my progesterone was double what it is now. I KNOW every pregnancy is different, but i'd feel a whole lot better if this little one could catch up even a little. Perhaps it's my nature to fret and I should shut up and enjoy but I do feel that this is all a bit too good.
I'm feeling super tired and on-and-off nauseous and really suffering strong smells. Had a sleep earlier which has helped.
This is all so weird - i feel i'm in a halfway sort of a place. I'd forgotten how stressful this first few weeks is. I'll just try to immerse myself in B stuff. I don't want him to have a distracted mother because of all of this.
I can't quite believe i'm pregnant.
I called my mum and stepdad, who've been in Australia with my brother since early December. I hadn't told them we were doing the FET - no sense in having her worry and spoil her trip. She was gob smacked. I woke them up early and when my stepdad asked what was going on she said "Portia's pg". That sounded SO strange and 'out there'. It was a wonderful moment though to have told her like that. Something i've dreamed of.
Please let this little bundle make it to real, live, babyhood.
Not double, but then it's only 24 hours. I'll be back in on Thursday for another blood let.
I still have a niggling worry about these numbers compared to B's. He doubled in 24 hrs from 330 to 660 AND my progesterone was double what it is now. I KNOW every pregnancy is different, but i'd feel a whole lot better if this little one could catch up even a little. Perhaps it's my nature to fret and I should shut up and enjoy but I do feel that this is all a bit too good.
I'm feeling super tired and on-and-off nauseous and really suffering strong smells. Had a sleep earlier which has helped.
This is all so weird - i feel i'm in a halfway sort of a place. I'd forgotten how stressful this first few weeks is. I'll just try to immerse myself in B stuff. I don't want him to have a distracted mother because of all of this.
I can't quite believe i'm pregnant.
I called my mum and stepdad, who've been in Australia with my brother since early December. I hadn't told them we were doing the FET - no sense in having her worry and spoil her trip. She was gob smacked. I woke them up early and when my stepdad asked what was going on she said "Portia's pg". That sounded SO strange and 'out there'. It was a wonderful moment though to have told her like that. Something i've dreamed of.
Please let this little bundle make it to real, live, babyhood.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Trust in the sticks
...cos they're telling the truth and now i must buy more and more and more, because.....
....my beta results came back at 106. Not the whopper score in the 300's that I had with Barney, but apparently (so the clinic tell me) frosties take a bit longer to get going.
OMG. I seem to be pregnant and i'm stunned.
When the head nurse of the clinic called to tell me I cried. I was pushing B's buggy down the street.
It's almost too good to be true and a little nagging voice is saying "things like this don't happen to you without a lot more angst and pain. Wait and see...something'll go wrong in a while." I'm not going to listen to it - well i'm trying not to.
I think i'll do some googling to establish where my beta sits in the scale of things and, for a while, i'll sit and smile like a looney. I really can't believe this has happened. Fingers crossed that tough little frostie (from my very first cycle) continues to do it's stuff, that I continue to do mine and the wonder clinic do theirs.
Thanks girls for being there for me. Again. xx
ps: BeeCee - i m sorry i managed to delete your last comment, but as we've been in touch via txt i hope that makes up for it.
pps: the pic is not of my sticks, just the same brand. I'll try to shoot mine for posterity.
12p3dt
Woke at 5.50am - ahead of B for once and after lying there a while decided it was time to POAS.
This morning's stick was darker and i'm now feeling a bit symptomatic. Sense of smell is stronger and some nausea - surely way too early for that - and some major tiredness, but that could well be the lack of sleep the last few nights. There's a little part of me is concerned i'm thinking myself into it.
Went for my beta and now just gotta wait.....
tick tock tick tock
This morning's stick was darker and i'm now feeling a bit symptomatic. Sense of smell is stronger and some nausea - surely way too early for that - and some major tiredness, but that could well be the lack of sleep the last few nights. There's a little part of me is concerned i'm thinking myself into it.
Went for my beta and now just gotta wait.....
tick tock tick tock
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Hmmmm
So I caved.
Tested this morning and got a v faint BFP. Not so faint you had to examine it with a magnifying glass and torch, but not the deep, dark lines I got at 14dp3dt last time. It came up reasonably fast too.
You'd think we'd be jumping around and I want to be excited, but the line is so faint that i'm not sure I can be. Last time, my HCG was 300ish on day 12. If it was even half of that today, it would be MUCH darker. I thought of asking to have my beta moved up to today, to sort this out, but decided i'd like to stay in this twilight almost PG world just a little longer. Problem is, i've next to no symptoms again. Very occasional cramping and perhaps the slightest swelling of the boo.bs. Oh, and also some dizziness and light headedness.
Perhaps this is chemical. No point second guessing. I'll use the second stick later or tomorrow and the bloods will give me more of a clue.
Goodness gracious me this embryo is giving us a run for our money.
Tested this morning and got a v faint BFP. Not so faint you had to examine it with a magnifying glass and torch, but not the deep, dark lines I got at 14dp3dt last time. It came up reasonably fast too.
You'd think we'd be jumping around and I want to be excited, but the line is so faint that i'm not sure I can be. Last time, my HCG was 300ish on day 12. If it was even half of that today, it would be MUCH darker. I thought of asking to have my beta moved up to today, to sort this out, but decided i'd like to stay in this twilight almost PG world just a little longer. Problem is, i've next to no symptoms again. Very occasional cramping and perhaps the slightest swelling of the boo.bs. Oh, and also some dizziness and light headedness.
Perhaps this is chemical. No point second guessing. I'll use the second stick later or tomorrow and the bloods will give me more of a clue.
Goodness gracious me this embryo is giving us a run for our money.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Weird place
I'm too scared to test.
I have NO idea how I got to the beta last time without testing. How can I go to the test place on Monday morning without having first got an idea of what the scores on the doors might be. BUT this time i'm too scared to test. I had no test kits at home last time and refused to buy one as I was too superstitious.
This time i've given in and added to my internet grocery shop a sneaky HPT kit. Somehow that felt less 'naughty' than going into the chemist. It was, of course, the first thing i laid my hands on when i unpacked the groceries last night. I looked at it a little and took it straight to my bathroom where i hid it on a high shelf behind my jumbo box of tampons. The shelves are glass so I can still see the bottom of the box but i'm trying not to look.
I woke at 4am needing the bathroom and lay wondering if i should test, but I sort of like this place where i'm "almost pg". Where I can daydream of what might be. [I typed some daydreams there, but had to delete them, because it felt too 'out there' in print.]
One of the websites calls this place 'PUPO' - which i imagine means pg unless proven otherwise. (I'm sure that's a common term) It's a better place to be than - where i'll be after a BFN. I didn't test, but couldn't get back to sleep until almost 6am when B started chattering so i'm now a bit zombied.
Emotionally this really isn't as bad as last time although Mr G says it's harder for him. The only way it's harder is because i have now had a BFP and am second guessing myself wondering if this is like that - sadly it doesn't seem to be as I have next to no symptoms. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Except for some cramps. No AF yet. As i'm not nearly as drugged up as last time should AF not be here by now? I'm on day 31 of my cycle. But then maybe not, as i ovulated really late this month. Who knows!
I spent yesterday afternoon in a room of pg women. My NCT (childbirth class - not sure if you have an equivalent where you are?) group met. Of the girls who had their first with me, 4 are already well on their way to their second. There was a lot of bump patting and pg chatter. I know I should be gracious and happy for them but i find it hard and, at times painful. Guess i'll just have to get over myself...or stop seeing them. I got a bit comfortable in the fertile world there being matey with them. i should know better!
I do think we'll have to try again now. A friend I saw on Thursday has 2 girls. The first conceived naturally, the second after 2 rounds of IV.F. She conceived her little girl (3 months younger than B) at 41 and was just 42 when she was born. I could do that.... Will - with Mr G's permission - find out about the next steps as soon as we can.
I have NO idea how I got to the beta last time without testing. How can I go to the test place on Monday morning without having first got an idea of what the scores on the doors might be. BUT this time i'm too scared to test. I had no test kits at home last time and refused to buy one as I was too superstitious.
This time i've given in and added to my internet grocery shop a sneaky HPT kit. Somehow that felt less 'naughty' than going into the chemist. It was, of course, the first thing i laid my hands on when i unpacked the groceries last night. I looked at it a little and took it straight to my bathroom where i hid it on a high shelf behind my jumbo box of tampons. The shelves are glass so I can still see the bottom of the box but i'm trying not to look.
I woke at 4am needing the bathroom and lay wondering if i should test, but I sort of like this place where i'm "almost pg". Where I can daydream of what might be. [I typed some daydreams there, but had to delete them, because it felt too 'out there' in print.]
One of the websites calls this place 'PUPO' - which i imagine means pg unless proven otherwise. (I'm sure that's a common term) It's a better place to be than - where i'll be after a BFN. I didn't test, but couldn't get back to sleep until almost 6am when B started chattering so i'm now a bit zombied.
Emotionally this really isn't as bad as last time although Mr G says it's harder for him. The only way it's harder is because i have now had a BFP and am second guessing myself wondering if this is like that - sadly it doesn't seem to be as I have next to no symptoms. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Except for some cramps. No AF yet. As i'm not nearly as drugged up as last time should AF not be here by now? I'm on day 31 of my cycle. But then maybe not, as i ovulated really late this month. Who knows!
I spent yesterday afternoon in a room of pg women. My NCT (childbirth class - not sure if you have an equivalent where you are?) group met. Of the girls who had their first with me, 4 are already well on their way to their second. There was a lot of bump patting and pg chatter. I know I should be gracious and happy for them but i find it hard and, at times painful. Guess i'll just have to get over myself...or stop seeing them. I got a bit comfortable in the fertile world there being matey with them. i should know better!
I do think we'll have to try again now. A friend I saw on Thursday has 2 girls. The first conceived naturally, the second after 2 rounds of IV.F. She conceived her little girl (3 months younger than B) at 41 and was just 42 when she was born. I could do that.... Will - with Mr G's permission - find out about the next steps as soon as we can.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
2 4 6 and 7dp3dt
The number of posts i have written to date and where i am in my 2WW.
Symptoms
Thought i'd update so i've some record of how things have been going.
I've had fairly bad cramps pretty much since transfer. Today's the first day it's not been quite so bad. I THINK that's when AF (still hating that term but too lazy to think of an alternative) tends to show up. It all goes quiet on the western front and then BOOM, in she charges giving me the fright of my life. (I'm still half hoping she won't show up, but do need to be careful with my optimism)
I can still feel the trembling shock of the discovery of AF's arrival during my 2.WW of each cycle. I go into shock which only really turns into full-on misery hours later. I'm now on high alert Kn.icker Watch now, expecting bad news every visit to the little girls' room. All my previous failures have ended around day 10 or 11, and they were without the glorious Gest.one, so who knows what will happen this time.
I'm fully on board the rollercoaster. Spent yesterday moping around West.field shopping centre because I was sure AF had arrived or was about to and today, as my boo.bs are making their presence felt (and why wouldn't they be after a week pumped up on proges.erone) i'm feeling in with a chance. They're not exactly tender but 'full' - perhaps TMI.
I went for a muddy walk with B and a friend and felt lightheaded walking up the hills. Won't be fooled by that one either, as i've had that every cycle no matter what. It was good to keep occupied though and really helped take my mind off things. Oh, and i've no tiredness, but then i'm not sure you would feel tired at this early stage anyway.
On Monday, a friend visited and took some lovely pix of my little boy, so here's a gratuitous shot of me and he, to break up all this text:
For the record he does have more than one sweater, but, as you can see, I really like this one and he'll grow out of it soon, so it gets a lot of wear!
Other stuff
I've been trying to eat healthily - good for me whichever way this goes - and have made some yummy meals this week. (If i say so myself)
I'm really into beetroot at the moment and served a roasted beetroot, yoghurt and dill salad with smoked haddock fish cakes last night. If beetroot wasn't such hard work i'd make it all the time.
Night before I ate a beef casserole (made in the slow cooker I got from Mr G for Xmas) which took me straight back to my mother's casseroles that we'd eat as children. It was just missing peas, which i love when they've cooked ages in a casserole to a dark olive squidginess. I've also made baked red cabbage and apple in the slow cooker which was also yummy. It really makes a difference to flavours.
Tonight i've 2 sea bass to cook and have yet to decide what to do with them. I want to try a new recipe using parsnips to so with them too. Just realised Mr G's out so might have to freeze the fish. I've some gingered chick peas - also done in slow cooker - which would go well with a baked potato. If you're not already asleep from my food filled ramblings, i'm done now! xx
Symptoms
Thought i'd update so i've some record of how things have been going.
I've had fairly bad cramps pretty much since transfer. Today's the first day it's not been quite so bad. I THINK that's when AF (still hating that term but too lazy to think of an alternative) tends to show up. It all goes quiet on the western front and then BOOM, in she charges giving me the fright of my life. (I'm still half hoping she won't show up, but do need to be careful with my optimism)
I can still feel the trembling shock of the discovery of AF's arrival during my 2.WW of each cycle. I go into shock which only really turns into full-on misery hours later. I'm now on high alert Kn.icker Watch now, expecting bad news every visit to the little girls' room. All my previous failures have ended around day 10 or 11, and they were without the glorious Gest.one, so who knows what will happen this time.
I'm fully on board the rollercoaster. Spent yesterday moping around West.field shopping centre because I was sure AF had arrived or was about to and today, as my boo.bs are making their presence felt (and why wouldn't they be after a week pumped up on proges.erone) i'm feeling in with a chance. They're not exactly tender but 'full' - perhaps TMI.
I went for a muddy walk with B and a friend and felt lightheaded walking up the hills. Won't be fooled by that one either, as i've had that every cycle no matter what. It was good to keep occupied though and really helped take my mind off things. Oh, and i've no tiredness, but then i'm not sure you would feel tired at this early stage anyway.
On Monday, a friend visited and took some lovely pix of my little boy, so here's a gratuitous shot of me and he, to break up all this text:
For the record he does have more than one sweater, but, as you can see, I really like this one and he'll grow out of it soon, so it gets a lot of wear!
Other stuff
I've been trying to eat healthily - good for me whichever way this goes - and have made some yummy meals this week. (If i say so myself)
I'm really into beetroot at the moment and served a roasted beetroot, yoghurt and dill salad with smoked haddock fish cakes last night. If beetroot wasn't such hard work i'd make it all the time.
Night before I ate a beef casserole (made in the slow cooker I got from Mr G for Xmas) which took me straight back to my mother's casseroles that we'd eat as children. It was just missing peas, which i love when they've cooked ages in a casserole to a dark olive squidginess. I've also made baked red cabbage and apple in the slow cooker which was also yummy. It really makes a difference to flavours.
Tonight i've 2 sea bass to cook and have yet to decide what to do with them. I want to try a new recipe using parsnips to so with them too. Just realised Mr G's out so might have to freeze the fish. I've some gingered chick peas - also done in slow cooker - which would go well with a baked potato. If you're not already asleep from my food filled ramblings, i'm done now! xx
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Lucky i'm not (too) superstitious
After I saw 2 magpies (meant to be good news) before my 2nd IC.SI BFN, i've stopped believing in good or bad omens.
Lucky, as i've had two things happen this morning. Firstly, one of B's bottles had a crack in it which i didn't notice til it kept on leaking everywhere. Then, just now, as i was pouring boiling water into a mug, the mug cracked and hot water went flooding everywhere. Glad i wasn't holding the mug.
2 cracked vessels in a morning. Could get me worrying about something, but no point. What will be will be.
Enjoying my Gest.one again (not) and already sore on both sides. Did my own jab last night, which was not easy as it's near on impossible to pull the plunger out a bit to check for blood. Decided just to press on. Proud of myself for managing though. A big psychological hurdle passed. That needle is SO scary.
Feeling a bit distant from B as Mr G keeps taking him to give me a break. Better go and put my feet up for a short while.
x
Lucky, as i've had two things happen this morning. Firstly, one of B's bottles had a crack in it which i didn't notice til it kept on leaking everywhere. Then, just now, as i was pouring boiling water into a mug, the mug cracked and hot water went flooding everywhere. Glad i wasn't holding the mug.
2 cracked vessels in a morning. Could get me worrying about something, but no point. What will be will be.
Enjoying my Gest.one again (not) and already sore on both sides. Did my own jab last night, which was not easy as it's near on impossible to pull the plunger out a bit to check for blood. Decided just to press on. Proud of myself for managing though. A big psychological hurdle passed. That needle is SO scary.
Feeling a bit distant from B as Mr G keeps taking him to give me a break. Better go and put my feet up for a short while.
x
Friday, January 15, 2010
Back on Gestone
I think my earlier post might be taken as the ramblings of a drugged up loon. I'm not sure quite what i meant as I think actually IV.F is all about survival and nothing more. Maybe it comes down to who can survive it intact.
I've heard from the clinic. A call at 16.30 to tell me to start on Gest.one : ( As i had not Gest.one knocking about (funnily enough) nor a prescription for some, I wondered how I was meant to do that. The helpful embryologist who called said she'd get a script ready and would hang around til i could get there.
Lucky we live close to the clinic. Many others would be drugless tonight.
It has, of course, sent me into a spiral of gloom. If my Progesterone is low that must be BAD news! She told me it hasn't fallen, it could just be higher. Hmmmmmm... They'll test again on Sunday.
I've heard from the clinic. A call at 16.30 to tell me to start on Gest.one : ( As i had not Gest.one knocking about (funnily enough) nor a prescription for some, I wondered how I was meant to do that. The helpful embryologist who called said she'd get a script ready and would hang around til i could get there.
Lucky we live close to the clinic. Many others would be drugless tonight.
It has, of course, sent me into a spiral of gloom. If my Progesterone is low that must be BAD news! She told me it hasn't fallen, it could just be higher. Hmmmmmm... They'll test again on Sunday.
Can you be 'good' at IV.F?
We've been discussing whether or not we'd go again. (If this cycle fails that is)
There's every possibility. Mr G said i was 'good' at IVF. That it suited me. He said I like a structure and a project, a bit of planning, research and organisation.
I think what he saw was my taking control. IF makes you lose control over your life. I've been used (as most of us are) to being in charge of my destiny - as far as you can be. Having it taken out of your hands is petrifying. Reclaiming control - through finding the best clinic, researching everything to the nth degree and speaking to everyone I could about it made me feel back on top of things again.
Nonetheless, it made me think. Can anyone be better or worse at this? Does it suit some more than others? Definitely the result is irrelevant to how able you are to cope with it.
Am still hanging out at home. Will take it a bit easy until the weekend's over. I figure that if this embryo wants to stick around it will have made its mind up by then. After that it's just a matter of taking care of myself.
I've discovered i'm a useless blogger. I was trying to see how I did last time and my blog entries are RUBBISH! I've no idea how i was feeling for much of the 2WW. For the first two cycles i recorded every niggle and cramp but i'd obviously got over all of that by then. If anyone was checking out my history for some clues of how it feels to be pg or of how i was coping it just isn't there!
For the record, i feel pretty normal. The odd lower back cramp but nothing else except stressy moments.
I do seem to be having a reaction to the Rito.drine - a drug to stop muscle spasm of the uterus. It makes me jittery and anxious - the last thing i need right now. I can stop if necessary and may well do if it doesn't improve. No mention of that in my record of last time. Also no mention of which steroids I was on last time. I'm sure they were different. Again, never mind. Doesn't make much difference. They've decided no IVI.g for me this time and no Ges.tone. That may change today when I get the results of this morning's Prog test. Of course, i'm worrying that i'm NOT on those now as they worked last time!
For now, i'll keep on drinking the water, lying low and chilling. Just got to take B for his jabs this afternoon. Poor little lamb's going to HATE it : (
There's every possibility. Mr G said i was 'good' at IVF. That it suited me. He said I like a structure and a project, a bit of planning, research and organisation.
I think what he saw was my taking control. IF makes you lose control over your life. I've been used (as most of us are) to being in charge of my destiny - as far as you can be. Having it taken out of your hands is petrifying. Reclaiming control - through finding the best clinic, researching everything to the nth degree and speaking to everyone I could about it made me feel back on top of things again.
Nonetheless, it made me think. Can anyone be better or worse at this? Does it suit some more than others? Definitely the result is irrelevant to how able you are to cope with it.
Am still hanging out at home. Will take it a bit easy until the weekend's over. I figure that if this embryo wants to stick around it will have made its mind up by then. After that it's just a matter of taking care of myself.
I've discovered i'm a useless blogger. I was trying to see how I did last time and my blog entries are RUBBISH! I've no idea how i was feeling for much of the 2WW. For the first two cycles i recorded every niggle and cramp but i'd obviously got over all of that by then. If anyone was checking out my history for some clues of how it feels to be pg or of how i was coping it just isn't there!
For the record, i feel pretty normal. The odd lower back cramp but nothing else except stressy moments.
I do seem to be having a reaction to the Rito.drine - a drug to stop muscle spasm of the uterus. It makes me jittery and anxious - the last thing i need right now. I can stop if necessary and may well do if it doesn't improve. No mention of that in my record of last time. Also no mention of which steroids I was on last time. I'm sure they were different. Again, never mind. Doesn't make much difference. They've decided no IVI.g for me this time and no Ges.tone. That may change today when I get the results of this morning's Prog test. Of course, i'm worrying that i'm NOT on those now as they worked last time!
For now, i'll keep on drinking the water, lying low and chilling. Just got to take B for his jabs this afternoon. Poor little lamb's going to HATE it : (
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
deeper and deeper
Soooooooooooo, at 8.30am the clinic calls. The embryo has done its thing and divided into a lovely 8 cell-er. They want us to go in in 1 hr and 30 mins to have it transferred. It's pouring with snow (does it 'pour' with snow or is there some other verb?) so they say not to stress over timings. Get there when we can.
Eeeeek.
I simply wasn't imagining this would happen. The 50:50 chance of a successful thaw has gone our way. Not only that, but apparently the embryo is almost top class, just a little bit of fragmentation knocking it off the top spot.
Blimey.
I'm playing with Barney and grinning like a lunatic. I HATE this! It's the top of the rollercoaster. The bit where you smile, you laugh and all's groovy. I've been here before. We're in with a chance.
I'm so unprepared for this. I've done no 'prep'. No depriving myself from caffeine, no acupuncture course, no vitamins or other paraphernalia. This can't be IV.F. IV.F doesn't work like this.
On the way in, I called two local acupuncture clinics to see if it'd be worth doing a post-transfer session. Both said yes. One (the lady who did my treatment pre and post last time) said she'd squeeze me in for pre and post. Bingo.
And then we're there. Back in the room where Barney joined us. The head Doc shaking our hands. Almost 2 years to the day. (Barney was transferred on 14th Feb) Everyone was lovely, but how weird. I left with a huge list of drugs to start. The usual, Cle.xane, Cyclo.gest, Prednis.olone, Ritodr.ine and aspirin. No I.VI.g this time. At least that keeps the cost down a little.
Mr G's started looking forward but I can't, can't, can't imagine it working. This is dangerous. Like the first cycle when you know it's not likely to succeed, but when it doesn't, the disappointment hits you like a ton of bricks and shoves you over into a hopeless, black precipice. We all know of top class embryos that have hit the dust. Still, the stakes are so different, there's a little boy living with us now. It must surely hurt less.
Luckily we had a sitter booked for today. She's hanging on to help out with B today whilst I loll in my bed. Mr G's on high stress alert and wants me off my feet and not lifting as much as possible. Yeah right. I've now told a few close people what's going on, but only on a 'need to know' basis.
Eeeeek.
I simply wasn't imagining this would happen. The 50:50 chance of a successful thaw has gone our way. Not only that, but apparently the embryo is almost top class, just a little bit of fragmentation knocking it off the top spot.
Blimey.
I'm playing with Barney and grinning like a lunatic. I HATE this! It's the top of the rollercoaster. The bit where you smile, you laugh and all's groovy. I've been here before. We're in with a chance.
I'm so unprepared for this. I've done no 'prep'. No depriving myself from caffeine, no acupuncture course, no vitamins or other paraphernalia. This can't be IV.F. IV.F doesn't work like this.
On the way in, I called two local acupuncture clinics to see if it'd be worth doing a post-transfer session. Both said yes. One (the lady who did my treatment pre and post last time) said she'd squeeze me in for pre and post. Bingo.
And then we're there. Back in the room where Barney joined us. The head Doc shaking our hands. Almost 2 years to the day. (Barney was transferred on 14th Feb) Everyone was lovely, but how weird. I left with a huge list of drugs to start. The usual, Cle.xane, Cyclo.gest, Prednis.olone, Ritodr.ine and aspirin. No I.VI.g this time. At least that keeps the cost down a little.
Mr G's started looking forward but I can't, can't, can't imagine it working. This is dangerous. Like the first cycle when you know it's not likely to succeed, but when it doesn't, the disappointment hits you like a ton of bricks and shoves you over into a hopeless, black precipice. We all know of top class embryos that have hit the dust. Still, the stakes are so different, there's a little boy living with us now. It must surely hurt less.
Luckily we had a sitter booked for today. She's hanging on to help out with B today whilst I loll in my bed. Mr G's on high stress alert and wants me off my feet and not lifting as much as possible. Yeah right. I've now told a few close people what's going on, but only on a 'need to know' basis.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Heard from the embryologists
My hormones must've been fine. I took a call during Rock-a-bye (music class) to hear they were thawing our embryo right then. They'd call me back within the hour. I went back to chasing a toddler more interested in the radiators and buggies parked around the walls than in the lady at the front.
I took the second call whilst walking in our (frosty, freezing) local park with Barney, a local Mum friend and her little boy.
Our 4 cell embryo defrosted ok, but they want to hold off on transfer until they've seen if it continues splitting. We'll know tomorrow what the score is.
I had tears in my eyes when the embryologist told me the news. Darn. And there I was thinking i was pulling off the world's first emotionally detached cycle. They'll let us know tomorrow if it's lasted the night and if we're to go in for transfer.
Mr G said (and he's right) that this feels like we're testing the water for another fresh cycle. It does feel like i'm observing all the girls at the clinic going through their cycles. He seemed open to more fresh cycles. Am I? I think so, but part of me feels we should quit whilst we're ahead. We're a bit old for all of this.
I'm very aware of my age - even though I don't feel it especially. When they do your blood test they ask you your date of birth. I used to announce mine loud and proud, but this time I whisper it. I don't hear any other children of the 60's. The girls sitting beside me in the queue are all of 70's. Even those born in the early 70's are all pushing 40 and i'm well past that milestone.
Anyway, B's asleep and I need to have a lie down. Been going to bed too late and am feeling it. I've also got cooking lessons to plan. Wonder what tomorrow will bring for that microscopic ball of cells.
I took the second call whilst walking in our (frosty, freezing) local park with Barney, a local Mum friend and her little boy.
Our 4 cell embryo defrosted ok, but they want to hold off on transfer until they've seen if it continues splitting. We'll know tomorrow what the score is.
I had tears in my eyes when the embryologist told me the news. Darn. And there I was thinking i was pulling off the world's first emotionally detached cycle. They'll let us know tomorrow if it's lasted the night and if we're to go in for transfer.
Mr G said (and he's right) that this feels like we're testing the water for another fresh cycle. It does feel like i'm observing all the girls at the clinic going through their cycles. He seemed open to more fresh cycles. Am I? I think so, but part of me feels we should quit whilst we're ahead. We're a bit old for all of this.
I'm very aware of my age - even though I don't feel it especially. When they do your blood test they ask you your date of birth. I used to announce mine loud and proud, but this time I whisper it. I don't hear any other children of the 60's. The girls sitting beside me in the queue are all of 70's. Even those born in the early 70's are all pushing 40 and i'm well past that milestone.
Anyway, B's asleep and I need to have a lie down. Been going to bed too late and am feeling it. I've also got cooking lessons to plan. Wonder what tomorrow will bring for that microscopic ball of cells.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Happy New Year
BEFORE I START I SHOULD SAY THIS SECTIONS HAS POTENTIALLY HIGHLY OFFENSIVE TO IVF'ERS SO HOLD OFF ON READING IF YOU'RE FEELING SENSITIVE.
Gosh, it's been so long since i published a real, live blog entry, i'm feeling a bit strange about posting. I feel a bit outside the clique.
I've kept my eye on my ladies and even commented on a few. I'm still the IV.F guru to my nearest and dearest and. I'll always be infertile and IF will be a large part of my life.
I just don't feel I can get quite as comfortable in that world. Where once I could walk in heave off my shoes and have a good old vent about life with friends who shared my emotions, I don't feel I've liberty to moan about my wanting for a second child when there are countless others still waiting for one. How dare I?
But every time yet another of the girls in my NCT (childbirth) peer group announces their second pregnancy ("oh i really didn't think it would happen so soon!!!") it's a kick in the guts and it takes a few days to shake off the grey cloud that sits Linus-like, over me.
I don't feel connected with them - the fertile majority, discussing 'when' not 'if' they'll have their babies. Accidental pregnancies and 'first go' conceptions abound. I'm not one of them and I don't want to know about it. I'd be fine living in a little bubble of me, Mr G and B, as then I'd feel ok about my one, gorgeous adorable child. More than ok, blessed. Totally and utterly. I love him so very much. Here's a gratuitous pic
I didn't come online to moan though. I came online to report that we're finally close to finding out if that lonely embryo has any chance of making it further than the 2 days of existence it has reached. I've been visiting the clinic for the last few days for bloods and scans and they called today to say they MIGHT attempt a thaw tomorrow.
The solo embryo has travelled across town and is waiting patiently for its big moment. It has a 50:50 chance of defrosting and then a itty, bitty chance of making it to a real, live pregnancy. If it's not going to make it then i'd almost rather we don't get past the defrost. I'll be upset, certainly, but at least I won't spend a fortnight obsessing, injecting £'s and £'s worth of drugs and fantasising about a future little P.
I'm playing all of this down - to myself even. I keep reminding myself it's SO unlikely to work - but who am i kidding? Which IV.F cycle isn't followed by a huge emotional precipice from which you spend the next few weeks crawling out of? It's like a woman saying that she doesn't get emotionally involved after s*x. Yeah, right.
So, in the next few days we'll know the score and then Mr G and I can decide what next. Are we too old to try IV.F again? Do we have the stomach for it? Are we brave enough to try adoption? Who knows? If only it were as easy as the happy accidents that happen all around us. But then, perhaps we wouldn't appreciate what we've got as much as we do.
Gosh, it's been so long since i published a real, live blog entry, i'm feeling a bit strange about posting. I feel a bit outside the clique.
I've kept my eye on my ladies and even commented on a few. I'm still the IV.F guru to my nearest and dearest and. I'll always be infertile and IF will be a large part of my life.
I just don't feel I can get quite as comfortable in that world. Where once I could walk in heave off my shoes and have a good old vent about life with friends who shared my emotions, I don't feel I've liberty to moan about my wanting for a second child when there are countless others still waiting for one. How dare I?
But every time yet another of the girls in my NCT (childbirth) peer group announces their second pregnancy ("oh i really didn't think it would happen so soon!!!") it's a kick in the guts and it takes a few days to shake off the grey cloud that sits Linus-like, over me.
I don't feel connected with them - the fertile majority, discussing 'when' not 'if' they'll have their babies. Accidental pregnancies and 'first go' conceptions abound. I'm not one of them and I don't want to know about it. I'd be fine living in a little bubble of me, Mr G and B, as then I'd feel ok about my one, gorgeous adorable child. More than ok, blessed. Totally and utterly. I love him so very much. Here's a gratuitous pic
I didn't come online to moan though. I came online to report that we're finally close to finding out if that lonely embryo has any chance of making it further than the 2 days of existence it has reached. I've been visiting the clinic for the last few days for bloods and scans and they called today to say they MIGHT attempt a thaw tomorrow.
The solo embryo has travelled across town and is waiting patiently for its big moment. It has a 50:50 chance of defrosting and then a itty, bitty chance of making it to a real, live pregnancy. If it's not going to make it then i'd almost rather we don't get past the defrost. I'll be upset, certainly, but at least I won't spend a fortnight obsessing, injecting £'s and £'s worth of drugs and fantasising about a future little P.
I'm playing all of this down - to myself even. I keep reminding myself it's SO unlikely to work - but who am i kidding? Which IV.F cycle isn't followed by a huge emotional precipice from which you spend the next few weeks crawling out of? It's like a woman saying that she doesn't get emotionally involved after s*x. Yeah, right.
So, in the next few days we'll know the score and then Mr G and I can decide what next. Are we too old to try IV.F again? Do we have the stomach for it? Are we brave enough to try adoption? Who knows? If only it were as easy as the happy accidents that happen all around us. But then, perhaps we wouldn't appreciate what we've got as much as we do.
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