Monday, December 10, 2007

Worst news possible

You got it...it's game over...

The scan showed a lining of 2mm - whoo hoo. A few follicles, but not much to write home about. They said they'd wait for the E2 levels before deciding whether to bin me. I went to work tonight not knowing whether or not I was going to continue. I'd asked them to ring Mr G as I had no reception at the place I was serving canapes.

WHen I got home from work tonight, Mr G greeted me with a huge hug. The E2 was 178. It was over a thousand this time last cycle. I'm still bleeding, and actually - even if they were willing to keep going - i'd rather quit now than keep stabbing myself with needles and go through the rest of the cycle for more bad news in 3 weeks time.

What's really, really bad is that the Doc there said he thinks we shouldn't try again. Not ever. Not with my eggs at least. We're not ready to give up. We so aren't! I've cried most of today - my heart aches and that lump's back in my throat.

Chanukah, Christmas and New Year can all take a leap. All my festive spirit's gone AWOL. What did we do to be in this hellish place? Why? Why us? Why can't we just have a break for once? I just want to curl up in a ball, go to sleep and stay like that until the pain goes away.

I'm officially starting my close of year pity party. Roll on 2008 - 2007's been a truly rubbish year. There's only so much me and Mr G can take.

Thank you all of you who've been there for me with kind words and support and good luck all my Cyclesistas - may you all be blessed with good news - and I mean that.

30 comments:

andi said...

OOOOO hon - I am soooooo sorry! But as you say - better to stop now than continue injecting $$$$ worth of drugs.

Don't give up - really don't. FIGHT ON MY DEAR.

xxxxxxx

Almamay said...

Portia,

I'm so, so, so sorry and very upset for you. I'm in complete agreement that's it's been a crappy year. You have my number. Please call when you need chocolate, coffee, alcohol etc administered with a big hug and shoulder to cry on.

xxxx, A

Dov said...

P, I'm so very sorry. Nothing I say will stop the hurt. But please know I'm hoping you find happiness soon.

Hugs to you and Mr G. Take care of each other.

Bea said...

I'm so sorry. Especially at his comment re: trying again. If you're not ready to give up, definitely get a second opinion (I know you've had lots of opinions so far, so it's not exactly the second, but it's such a grey area as to where to draw the line medically-speaking, so I believe it's worth one more unless you firmly agree). In any case, hold tight over Christmas and hoping you're coping ok.

Bea

Leah said...

Oh no. NO, no, no. I'm so sorry about this cycle.

Don't give up yet! I'm the poster child for not giving up on our dusty old eggs, remember?

I will pray each and every day that 2008 is a magical year for you and that we are celebrating the birth of your beautiful baby(ies) by this time next year.

xoxo

Malky B. said...

I'm so sorry. My IUI cycle got canceled as well. Thick lining but small follicles and thats after 11 days of stims. Sucks big time for both of us.

Carrie said...

Oh no. This is awful news. I'm so sorry that you have to stop. It must be so frustrating.
As for the comment, really? Was this on the phone?
I think you should speak to someone else. You need to decide if you want to continue. Drs can give their opinions but not tell you what to do, there's always a choice surely. I am so sorry you even have to think of this.
So sorry xx

JJ said...

Im so sorry Portia...wish I could be there to sit with you and be a shoulder to lean on.
Thinking of you...

The Town Criers said...

I am so so sorry, P.

Drowned Girl said...

I'm so sorry. I hope you can find peace and a way forward.

xx

A said...

I am so sorry. (((hugs)))

Maria said...

I am so sorry about your cycle. I'm with you. Let's start 2008 now. Goodbye 2007, you truly sucked.

Becks said...

I know my words can't take away the pain but if it helps to talk then I am here 24/7.

Don't give up...your journey is not over by a long way. I feel really strongly about that.

I am thinking of you lots and I am here waiting for you to dry the tears or pour the wine...whatever you want xxx

anne said...

Anything I could say seems horribly inadequate at this tough time, given the depth of this pain.
But you have my prayers.
Just don't give up, OK?

Searching said...

I'm so so very sorry. :(

Tina said...

I am so, so sorry. **Hugs**

The only advice I can think of (and this is from someone who has not read your blog that much in the past) is to get a second opinion on your chances before really considering throwing in the towel on TTC. Sometimes, doc can get "comfortable" with a "case" and they can't see the bigger picture... Maybe this is happening to you.

Wishing you some peace as you try to sort all of this out. And, wishing you a better 2008.

seattlegal said...

I am so sorry, Portia. May 2008 be a truly incredible year for you and Mr. G.

tryingin2007 said...

your post made me cry. the pain you are experiencing is one of the worst there is. I'm so sad for you.

2007 piss off! it was indeed a hideous year.

Pamela Jeanne said...

Portia: I'm feeling for you in a big way. Please let me know if I can help in any way. There's nothing worse than learning you've reached the end on the road to conception with your own DNA. You're in my thoughts...

Lori said...

Portia, I am so sorry you're going through this.

It's hard to hit a dead-end, but especially hard at this time of year.

Kami said...

I am so sorry. I wish I could fix it. I hope you know you did nothing to deserve this and that you still have options - even if they aren't your first choice.

Would it help to get a second opinion in the US? I bet there are many good clinics who would do a phone consult.

decemberbaby said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. Upsetting news, and at a crappy time. I'm sending you cyberhugs.

Thalia said...

Portia, I am so very sorry. What awful, difficult, all too sudden news. I am thinking of you.

Rebecca said...

I'm so sorry...I'm also so surprised that your doctor said that to you. Way to invoke just a little hope, doc. Cry as much as you want and know that you are being thought of during this time. It's the hardest thing any of us have ever done...you're an inspiration.

The Dunn Family said...

I am so sorry about the cycle. This is my first time reading your blog, so I haven't yet read a lot of your backstory. If you guys aren't ready to give up, then by all means you shouldn't. Maybe consider talking with a different RE for a second opinion?

I really wish you the best of luck whatever you decide!

Claire said...

Nothing worse than a bad cycle to ruin your day, your week, your month. Many hugs. Just remember, your eggs do not have an expiration date.

Michell said...

I am so sorry for this news you recieved and the cancelled cycle.

My Reality said...

Oh, Portia. I am so sorry. I hope 2008 is so very different for you.

Delenn said...

This so sucks. So sorry and I hope you will try again.

calliope said...

(((((hugs))))

so so sorry.