Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Shout out to Soapchick

Hi honey

Had no idea you were going private and would LOVE to stay updated.

Pls, pls mail your password or invite or whatever to my address!

Am so pleased you're moving forwards and really want to stick around and support you.

Didn't know how else to get to you xxxxx

ps: Just so you don't feel left out....hello everyone else!! Thanks for reading xxx

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Survivor's Guilt

Here's the thing...

...I've been so concerned not to upset those of you still waiting for your babies that i've been guilty of (a) not posting and (b) posting rosy tinted posts that give no idea of how things really are for me this side of IVF.

I love my little boy, i really do and i know i'm immensely lucky, but this is the hardest thing i've ever done. I've not slept a full night in about 15 months - 9 months down to tension and inability to get comfortable (well, much of that time) and the last 6 because my son resolutely refuses to sleep through. Sleep deprivation was ok at first. It went with the territory and i was (and am) determined to love every minute of my new role. Mostly, I do, but this far down the line and it's wearing me down just a little.

In the past month i've had one root canal (4 dentist visits in total and £1600), a trip to the emergency dentist to have an abscess on another tooth pierced and drained (£260 and a lot of pain - so much so I came out of that appt and sobbed like a baby) and now, a throat/ear infection that has been going on now for well over a week. Enough already.

Breastfeeding was/is a privilege, but when my little boy decided (at 3 months) he preferred a bottle I completely lost it.It had taken a lot to get started - it's flipping painful but we'd got there. When he actually retched (yes!) when faced with my nipple - they're not bad!! - there were hormonal tears for weeks. After much perseverance (and ignoring a breast feeding counsellor who told me to give up) i managed to woo him back and he now feeds without a fight. It's time to start weaning him to a bottle but as i don't think i'll get to do this again i'm loathe to give it up. Having said that, hours pumping milk so Mr G can bottle feed him at 11pm when i catch up on some badly needed zzzzz's really takes it out of me.

Every waking hour is spent anticipating B's next need. Every trip out of the house has to be planned. Do i need the buggy? Do i need the car seat? What meals will we spend out? What's the weather going to do? I have to carry up the kit in stages from our lower ground floor flat and make sure B is fine whilst i'm doing it. It's all part of the job and it's getting easier but even leaving the house was at one time a huge achievement. [Just read that para and think perhaps i deserve a sharp, slap for that one - apologies - but i'm leaving it in for completeness]

Even as I type this i feel guilty - how dare I even think about complaining when i've got what i was wishing for and so many haven't. I'm sorry. I'd rather get real then portray this sunny, perfect existence. I don't want anyone believing i'm sitting smugly here in happy-ever-after land.

I adore my little boy but he's a handful. He's incredibly mobile for 6 months and cant' sit still for a moment. It's great he's so interested but it does wear a 40 year old Mum down.

I hope i've not been totally offensive but i felt i just had to get this off my chest.

I'm also conscious that I can't wait too much longer before making some decision about whether or not we try for another little one. As it'd have to be another IVF or adoption, both of which will cost us some, can we even afford to think about it? This recession has hit us hard and i'm not sure we can afford to have a second baby. Is it fair on B for him to be an only child?

I'm not ungratefully moaning about only having one baby. I wouldn't dream of it - i'm still counting my blessings that I have one more than i imagined i would. I'm just a little sad that it remains a problem. I'm also a lot mad at people who say that because we've now had one we're going to be one of those couples who have a second, surprise pregnancy. We're not. They just don't get it and that p's me off.

Again, i'm sorry. I don't want to upset anyone. I hope I haven't. I'm still rooting for those of my girls in the trenches and i know I don't really have the right to compain when i'm over here.

Monday, May 04, 2009

Six months

My little boy was 6 months old on Friday. I can't believe it. Mr G and I sit and look at him and want to pinch ourselves.

He's gorgeous but a total monkey. He is proficient at rolling from back to tummy and loves then pressing up with his arms. He's on the verge of crawling and can rock backwards and forwards on his hands and knees and stretch his legs out. He moves backwards but cannot yet go forwards and screams (yes SCREAMS) with frustration as he gets further from not closer to his goal!

I'm totally smitten but also completely exhausted. He and I have had some cold virus for the last week and I feel awful. Really sore throat and ears and blocked up head. Recovery isn't helped by a sleepless baby. Even when well he's not a great sleeper and still hasn't gone through the night - or even close - at this point. One smile and he's forgiven.

Mr G, B and I are off on hols next week and I can't wait. A holiday with a mobile 6 month old is questionably a holiday but it'll be a change of scene and (hopefully) some warmer weather in which to chill.

Must go now, time for bed. Mr G is nagging me to go sleep and I do need to. I'll try to fill in some gaps sometime soon.

Here's the boy