Tuesday, October 31, 2006

all seemed too calm...

Thought I was dealing with this all v well. Taking every day with a deep, controlled breath and managing relative calm.

Yesterday afternoon, it was very clear that there's a lot going on inside - no real surprise.

I'd mistakenly sent an email to a group instead of one person and was mortified. I got that panicky cold sweat feeling all over when I realised what had happened. Nothing I could do except get worked up and i'm trying so hard to be calm at the moment! MDB wasn't remotely sympathetic. He'd been grumpy all day, which hadn't helped either - so difficult to be around.

We sat down to watch a tv programme we'd taped (The Royle Family) from the night before. I thought it would calm me down but e mails kept bouncing in from the unintended recipients, making it a whole lot worse! The programmed - a comedy - was actually really sad and it made me teary. The teariness turned into full blown sobbing within minutes. MDB was (finally) sympathetic and made soothing noises whilst I let all the tension go. I'm so flipppin' scared to get stressed or do anything that might affect the embryos and have no idea what's going on in there. I hate this!

Still feeling low today - not helped by my having sprinted to rescue MDB's car from being towed away this morning and then panicking about the adrenalin burst that all caused! I remembered it whilst I was in the shower this morning and had to pull on clothes and run out to find the tow lorry pulling up next to it! Gave the men in the lorry a little smile and a wave before I got in the car to move it.

This black mood has come from nowhere. I felt ok until now. I'm sure it will lift. Just one of those things....xx

Sunday, October 29, 2006

All aboard

So, Friday morning I went for my pre-transfer acupuncture session. My lovely acupuncturist was following a v specific plan. Needles in my ear, top of my head, legs and belly! Aimed to relax and increase blood flow to my uterus.

Relaxed and nurtured, i went home to meet MDB from work and (after changing into more comfy clothes (me) and a scooby snack (him) we set off for the clinic. For once, with plenty of time, we were fairly relaxed and arrived early for our appointment. So early, in fact, that we popped out to buy some lovely sandwiches and chocs for after the procedure.

As usual, our specialist was late. Sitting with HUGE full bladder after our appt time, I got MDB to find out what was going on. Specialist was still not there! I went to empty my too full bladder and, guess who walked into the clinic! Was lovely to see him. He's such a kind man...

We went upstairs to the transfer room. MDB was disappointed that he was not getting gowned up this time and that I wasn't having full on knock out drugs. I explained it was just like our mock...but real. So, we went into the room with our specialist, a lovely nurse and a v nice embryologist. They sat MDB and I down in 2 chairs and told us we had 3 eggs fertilised and that they were all top grade! Excellent. They checked our names and dob's - it felt like an exam. They asked how many eggs we'd like returned. We hadn't really discussed this, but when they confirmed our chances were less if we had only 1 returned, we went for the double whammy. The third will be frozen.

The transfer went ok. I felt relaxed - probably too relaxed, as I wouldn't shut up! Only scary moment was when it felt quite uncomfortable and they got worried about my saying it felt crampy. Hope that didn't cause a problem...!

MDB sat stroking my hair and squeezing my arm - generally being v sweet. When it was all done, they handed us a photo of the embryos, or at least the fluid they'd been in. I got up and dressed and we had a chat with the embryologist - such a lovely girl - who urged me to empty my bladder as it was clear from the screen how full it still was! I was worried whether my precious cargo might just fall out, so waited a little while before very carefully going. We said goodbye to our specialist - after asking some silly questions (me) like how do i sort the constipation the drugs are giving me. (Again, i'm scared that the babies might somehow be pushed out before they're attached...sad, but true...not that I told him that!

MDB went to get the car - saving me the walk - and we drove home. We were both worried about every bump dislodging those tiny embryos. At home I put my feet up and drank tea, ate cake and watched endless television. That's pretty much how i've stayed since then. I was so fed up of these four walls, we had a v gentle slow walk to the DVD shop via Starbucks for more cake, on Sunday. Otherwise, it was feet up and resting.

Will get back to normal gradually, but it makes sense to do the best I can to make this work. 11 days to go before we'll know...xx

Thursday, October 26, 2006

10 steps forward

What a couple of days. Didn't feel up to blogging yesterday as I was too worried about today.

We had the collection yesterday. It all went very smoothly as the staff at the clinic were wonderful. They were charming and so so kind. Although I was only sedated, I was totally unconscious throughout the procedure. MDB was in there with me - not that i'd've known about it. I snored apparently. When I woke in the recovery room - with another lovely nurse - MDB had gone to do his bit. Shame he had to go through all the bad bits without me. Anyway, when they wheeled me out he was in our cubicle and told me we had 4 eggs...4!!!! A bit disppointed it wasn't 5, but 4's not bad at all.

I recovered quite well and was allowed out quite quickly. The worst bit had been the IV line in my arm. That hurt!

At home, MDB went for my prescriptions and got me a DVD. I relaxed on the sofa and ate the rest of my sandwich from the clinic. Felt ok. Thought i'd feel really bad today, but feel ok. A little crampy, but otherwise ok. Am encouraged that i'm fit and well and recovering from all this (it seems) quite quickly.

Had to wait until today for fertilistation news. Call was due from embryologist between 11.30 and 1. Didn't want to dwell on it so got on with some work. At 10.30ish they called. I was so scared they'd say sorry, none have worked, but the embryologist - maggie - told me THREE have fertilised!!! I'm so relieved. It means that it's possible for MDB's sperm to fertilise my eggs! Such good news! he seemed less excited, but we do have more steps to go through before we're at the end of this road.

Trying to relax today and be calm and positive. Easier said than done. Went to visit friend with two week old baby. V sweet. Didn't feel envious or sad. Just relaxed. Think it's the high that comes with this time of the treatment. It's the pre-period phase, where there's hope remaining.

Anyway, time to do a bit of calm visualisation. Fingers crossed xx

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

drug free day

Today has been needle and spray free. How lovely not to live by my alarm that tells me to sniff or stick a needle in my belly.

There were some needles, as I went for Acupuncture, but that's a bit different. My acupuncturist is so postive about the cycle and thinks i'm doing really well. She used points to nourish my uterus and to relax me. I feel fairly calm. Well, 'calm before a storm' calm.

i've cancelled my work for most of next week and cancelled tonight's work. I didn't want to, but MDB wanted me to and I felt that it this doesn't work (it will, it will) then I'd hate for either of us to think I didnt' give it my best shot. I also felt a bit iffy this morning. Sicky and with strange goings on in my belly. Am ok now. Just cold and ready to snuggle up in front of the television with a hot water bottle and MDB.

I hope these follicles of mine all produce good eggs and that they all fertilise. That would be fantastic. One egg that fertilises and turns embryo and stays put for 9 months would be a wonderful miracle.

This is all a bit surreal really. Who'd have thought i'd be doing this?

Fingers crossed for tomorrow - funny...i'm not nervous, and it's a sort of operation. Suppose the end goal is keeping me going through experiences that i'd never have imagined i'd have been able to achieve x

Monday, October 23, 2006

Last injection today!!!

Sniffed my last sniff this evening. Had spoken to my favourite nurse (Aussie sweetheart) late afternoon. She told me to sniff at 6 and then to inject the trigger at 11.30pm!! Haven't been up that late in a long time. We asked for the last collection slot so MDB could drive me to the clinic after his work finished. We're on at 10.30am on Wednesday morning. Am v excited!!

My tummy is covered in bruises, and my nightly injection has started to sting now. Not sure why - maybe the bruising? I'm feeling a little stressed as i'm going to be stopping work for a few days and when you're self employed, you don't know when the work will be there again. I HATE that I have to worry about all of this. Even if (I know I should be saying 'when') it works, there's a whole fortnight of limbo and maybe nine months of concern that all is well. I must stop feeling negative, but it seems to be a permanent battle against my inner voice of doom and gloom. Every so often its overruled by the bubbling up of excitement at the thought that this actually might work!

Dr Big Hair (our consultant) has been gorgeous. He's so sweet and genuinely seems to care that this works. In fact, all the staff are wishing us luck now. Even the receptionist.

Anyway, it's all systems go and MDB is totally on my case nagging me to relax, so it's nightie night and time to get ready for bed so i'm ready to sleep post-jab.

As ever, fingers crossed x

Sunday, October 22, 2006

First cycle, third scan

Well, we had our third scan this morning. We drove over to the clinic on empty Sunday morning roads.

The weekend scanning operator was charming. Been doing the job years, and was very kind and sensitive. She had a good dig around, making me move my legs and press on my tummy so that she could get a good look at my ovaries. The follicles are getting quite big now. I've got four that are at or over the threshold they need to be to be for harvesting and three coming up behind.

The nurse thought i'd probably have another scan (on Tuesday) with a trigger after that. She called our consultant, who said we should do one more stimulating injection and then the trigger on Monday night. He'll harvest them on Wednesday - the day he works at the clinic. I was a little concerned that we were fitting in with his timetable, but trust him. Well...trust him enough to ring him immediately we'd left the clinic to check whether or not we'd be better off waiting. He said he'd like more follicles, but that at the end of the day we only need one egg to fertilise, so he was happy to go ahead.

I must stop worrying about the whole number of follicles issue. We've enough to hope for at least one to fertilise and maybe even one or two to freeze, so I must be calm.

After the scan, feeling a whole lot better than we'd done the last two days, we went off to enjoy our Sunday. I'm feeling nauseous and a bit tender on my tummy, but otherwise, quite normal, so this whole experience is surreal.

I'm mildly concerned at the low follicle count, but otherwise excited to be at this stage on our first cycle. This time next week, I might even have a fertilised embryo (or two) on board. I hope that the harvest is ok and the fertlisation works....as that's an unknown at the moment.

Must go. Work to do and protein to be eaten to nourish those eggs


Saturday, October 21, 2006

Introduction 21 October 2006

Welcome to my blog. I'm 37 years old and live in NW London. I used to be a lawyer but I retrained as a chef and I love what i'm doing. I've been married to my wonderful husband - my darling boy (MDB) for less than 6 months. I love the life we have together.

The fly in the ointment is that we've been told we won't be able to have children on our own. We'd been trying for a baby for 10 months when I decided we should go and get tested. I tested ok. FSH a bit high, but nothing too drastic. All the other hormones were ok. MDB's results were another story. Fertility 'severely impaired'. Low sperm count and low, even no motility. ICSI would be our only chance. What a blow only a few months into our marriage.

At our age, most of our friends have children and many of my very close girlfriends have children. Of my closest friends, 2 have just given birth and a third is due in early December. It's very hard to come to terms with but, as time isn't on my side, we've had to pick ourselves up pretty quickly and get on with it.

I've been reading blogs by other girls in the same position, but they all seem to be in the US or Canada. Where are all my English sisters?!!! I'm finding it really hard not having anyone to share this with. No one even talks in the clinic's waiting room. It's verys strange.

We've started our first cycle of ICSI but it's not going terribly well so far. I've done the suppression phase and been injecting Gonal-F for over a week. My first scan showed 6 follicles...ok for a first go. Feeling quite ok about it, but the Scan 2 showed only 4 to be growing. The nurse asked if we wanted to stop the cycle. We had no idea that this could happen. I thought the 6 were safe. We've another scan in the morning, and then we can decide what to do next. I've so much to say, but I won't say it just yet. I need to make supper for me and MDB.

More tomorrow when i've time to post.