Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Just a quick one

I'm about to go to bed, having had one of just three evenings spent without a fussy baby sleeping on me since Kitty Mabel arrived in our lives.

I'd moan, but this isn't the place for that. I'm surrounded by ladies struggling to have their babies so i'm well aware of how lucky we are to have our second miracle safe and sound - fussy or not.

One friend - only 35 - has had 3 failed IVF's. She found out over the weekend that her FSH has shot up to 25 since the summer. This is probably down to an operation to remove endomet.riosis that took off part of one of her ovaries. She's in shock and mourning this loss. She had not been told this was a risk of having that procedure.

Another friend told me she's just had her second miscarriage in the last few months. That stinks too. She's surrounded by reproducing mothers so must be hurting. She's very private.

A third has just lost her pregnancy after her baby was found to be sick.

I'm immensely lucky to be where I am and i'm not about to forget that.

I turned 42 last Friday. On the eve of my 39th birthday I was about to start IVF4. That cycle ended a few days later when I was told i'd never have children and to give up. If anyone had told me then that i'd be the mother of not one but two babies by the time I was 42, i would have told them where to go. I would never have believed it. Mothering two is extremely tough but I have not lost sight of where i've come from.

Thank you G-d for my blessings and thank you all out there for being there for my ride so far.

NIght night x

Monday, November 01, 2010

Kitty Mabel

My daughter was born on 25th September 2010.

Life's been just a bit crazy which is why its taken me so long to post. Off for a hospital appointment now. Will write more later.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


B's now 21 months and doing really well. At the risk of sounding like the boastful mother, his speech seems to be amazing. He can speak in short sentences and copies almost everything we say. Sometimes i hear him repeating back words from what i've been saying, even if it's not to him. He can even sing his 'ABC' from start to finish. It's extremely cute, but I do have to remember that his ears are ALWAYS listening and be careful what I say.

One word he has picked up that i'd rather he hadn't is 'injection'. He watches me injecting my daily Cle.xane and sometimes gets a little upset as he doesn't like anyone doing anything to Mummy - even, it seems, Mummy herself. Anyway, yesterday, he had the syringe that we use to give him his medication (he has a summer head cold) and he started play injecting it into his tummy saying 'injection'. He then did it to me and to his teddy. It's great that he's taking it all in, but I felt a little sad that he should be seeing something like that.

I suppose it's part of life for us IV.F mothers and on the plus side, perhaps he won't be as scared of having injections himself when he has his next vaccinations. Until he feels that it does actually hurt a bit, that is!

I'm doing fine. I've 7 or 8 weeks to go now until the little one arrives (touch wood) and i'm starting to really feel a bit tired. My back is hugely achey - Mr G has taken B this afternoon to give me a bit of a break. I've no complaints at all though. I've friends around me trying for children who haven't had much luck. That feels very weird indeed. That's my job - to be the unsuccessful one. I try to be sensitive and supportive but without being too pushy as to what's going on for them. One has miscarried and would have been due at around the same time as me. I feel bad just being around her, but see her all the time. I don't want to ask her too much as she's a very private person, but i hope I can do the right thing by her.

I just hope and pray that this little one arrives healthy.

Sunday, August 01, 2010

It's been a while (again).

I've had a few thoughts over the last 6 weeks but never seem to find time to get them down on screen.

One has been indignation at all the IV.F scare stories. Every day (well almost) one of our daily nationals carries some bad news story about IVF treatment or babies. It's like they're trying to find stuff to wind us up. Some of the recent headlines have been: "IV.F babies more likely to get cancer", "IV.F babies more likely to be still born" and one last week " IV.F mothers more likely to die in childbirth"!

That last one was the most ridiculous. The one example of a mother who had died in childbirth had died when the anaesthetist had put the oxygen tube down the wrong passage. What's THAT got to do with IV.F for goodnessake?!! I'd link to the piece, but it was in our Sunday Times - which has retreated behind a pay wall. I've found a link to the stats in another paper here

I'm willing to accept that there are more older mums which is perhaps as a result of IV.F but enough already with the scare stories. I can come up with enough scarey stuff on my own!

I'm nearly 31 weeks, and, other than being tired, am (touch wood) doing ok. B is as gorgeous as ever. Can sing his whole ABC now - I especially like how he was W - "wubblewoo". SO totally cute!

I'll post more soon. If I keep it short perhaps i'll manage more than one post each 6 weeks!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Happy to have helped

I'm now 25 weeks and looking obviously pg. I'm sure you're bored of hearing this by now, but i still feel taken aback by way things have gone. I feel sure our luck has to run out at some point as i've gone from advice we'd never have children of our own to having my wonderful little boy and now a second pregnancy. In my darker moments I worry that this little one may have something wrong with her. How could we really be this lucky? Surely something has to drag us down again. After all, that's the way life has gone so far. Perhaps that's just the mantle of IF that i'll never shake. The belief that we're just not meant to have it easy. I think there's a large helping of survivor's guilt.

Things aren't easy for Mr G and I on the financial front. We've been struggling pretty well since B was born and Mr G has had some bad professional luck over the years since we married. I'm not going to go into it as that would not be right, but it's enough to say that whilst we've had some lucky breaks in our family life, it hasn't crossed into that side of things. Having been through the IF mill though, i'm very aware of my blessings and would not change a thing. You realise what's important when you've fought for fertility.

The story i wanted to tell - and i'm sorry for digressing so far, was about meeting someone in the playground today. I'd travelled to a different area to meet a friend today. Barney and I were playing on one of the big toy cars when another mum and her 2 and a bit yr old came over to share it. She and I got talking and it turned out we were pretty well the same age and had been to neighbouring schools. For some reason - i'm not sure why - i told her that Barney was as a result of several IVF's. She told me her little boy was also an IVF baby - her first attempt, but one she waited 6 months for as her ovaries had not cooperated until she did 6 months of Chinese herbs/acu.puncture etc. She'd been at the evil clinic that told me not to bother.

I told her i'd written about our IF experience in a newspaper and her eyes filled with tears when she told me how she'd read each one and how much it had helped her and her husband. Her parents had refused to talk about it but had also read our columns. I welled up too. I was so pleased that we were able to touch others going through the same thing.

She's been told she shouldn't bother trying for a second child and is having a really hard time of it. I know how she feels but didn't feel there was much I could say to help her. I had all of her feelings, but how can I stand there with a belly full of baby spouting sympathy. It would seem patronising, so I kept schtum. I did tell her to get a consultation at my clinic. Her clinic is all too ready to write off the bad cases in case their numbers are affected, but she might as well get a second opinion. I think a key to all of this is to keep on trying. If i'd given up on their advice, who knows where i'd be now.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

AWOL (includes baby stuff)

I'm so sorry i've been AWOL for so long. Until i logged in, I didn't realise it had been quite so long.

All's well at this end. I had my 20 week scan yesterday. I'd been building up the nerves, worrying that having been blessed with one healthy IV.F baby, my luck had to run out some time. To be honest, i'm in a pretty permanent state of disbelief most of the time. Having taken 5 tries for B, the success of my one frozen embryo has totally blown me away. How can that have happened? I've long spouted the whole 'it only takes one' line to friends with a low tally (like mine always were) and only half believed it. I always had a low number of perfect looking eggs and never got anywhere with them. I totally didn't expect my last surviving embryo to get me very far. I'm still waiting for it all to go wrong.

I'm conscious that it still could. For now, though, the little one, TP2, is doing me proud. Our scan showed one busy little baby who hardly let the sonographer get a decent shot. The baby kept kicking or punching me where the probe was pushing down and also, at one point giving a full-on wave with both hands, fingers fully outstretched. All bits seemed present and correct - heart, brain, spine, stomach, kidneys, legs, feet, arms, hands etc Phew. The sonographer was thorough and kind. He pointed out the that so long as the baby's measurements were on the graph charts all was well. Average was not necessary. He also said that the lower than average fluid on the brain is a good thing. Had he not, i'm sure i'd have been off panicking later. He also got so excited about the outstretched fingers (apparently fists are normally clenched) that he took heaps of pictures and gave them to us - instead of making us pay - as the sign on the wall demanded.

Mr G was so reassured by the scan that he didn't feel the need for our second 20 week scan which is due tomorrow. Our first was NHS - free as part of our public medicine system. We'd booked the private one before this one as last time, the NHS one was so lacking. This was an entirely different experience.

I'll share with you - although we're only telling our nearest and dearest - that the little one is......a girl. A little girl! Please G-d all continues to be well, B will be a big brother to a little sister. Once again, Mr G and I are stunned and so grateful for where life has taken us.

B continues to be amazing. Here's a gratuitous pic from a proud Mummy:

Please excuse his teething dribble. He has loads of words - well over 50, maybe 100, and learns more every day. I'm totally smitten. He runs any time he gets the chance and is full of kisses and cuddles for us and for other babies and his grandparents. Every day with him is an absolute joy. Thankyou G-d.

Thank you G-d also for the good news i've had this week. A friend has had a BFP after her first FET. She's 42 and her hubbie wasn't going to be up for a second fresh cycle. I'm SO pleased for her as she's wanted to be a Mum all her life. Also thanks due for Becks' safe arrival. Another miracle.

Saturday, April 03, 2010


Thanks girls for your comments on my last post. It was really interesting to hear all your views and definitely food for thought.

It really felt like a cosy girls' chat - which I suppose is what we're all about.

I was visited by a fellow blogger yesterday. The lovely Almamay brought her gorgeous little boy to meet me when she dropped off my doppler - which i'd lent to her for her pregnancy. For those of you not familiar - she was successful after a gazillion IV.F's. I was (and am) so happy for her. She worked SO hard for her baby and deserves every moment of happiness with him. He's super cute and it was precious to be sitting drinking tea with our 2 boys.

B spent much of the time nagging me to watch "nee naw" (a Fi.reman S.am DVD) or "daktor" (the Little Red Tracktor DVD) or even "choo, choo" (Chugg.ington). I gave in, although we usually try to limit "TD" as he calls it, to an hour after dinner. He came down with a cold last night, so I think he was starting to feel a bit groggy and showed it with extra whinginess.

Last night was a tough one with quite a lot of awake time and a very early start - 5am : ( By 9am, i was exhausted! I took him to the zoo where he was mostly interested in jumping in "pubbles" but also made a crowd of fellow visitors laugh by shouting "meow, meow" non-stop in front of the lion and tiger enclosure. I suppose they ARE big cats. He didn't seem at all phased, even when the (very) big cats were just on the other side of the glass in front of him.

Off to bed in a minute to prepare for another busy night. (No complaints at all - I do truly still feel immensely lucky to be B's mummy and still thank G-d daily. I'm sorry if that sounds cheesey but it's true).

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Kicking myself

I feel like the person I used to hate. Well, not 'hate' exactly, that's a bit strong. Perhaps 'resent' or maybe 'want to be a million miles from me'.

Two things have happened this week which have made me question my sensitivity. One I don't think was my fault. The other is only down to me, and I think i just got it wrong.

The first relates to a girl I see regularly around the suburb in which i live. I met her through a local Mum's group - her little boy is a couple of months younger than B. The majority of the other mothers I socialise with are falling pregnant. I'd suspected she was one of them. We were out a few weeks ago and she was off the alcohol - along with most of the others. Only 2 were drinking - and one of them was 18 weeks pregnant (!). Of course i said nothing to her - none of my business. I'd told her my news, as the others in our group knew and I didn't want her to feel left out. She gave me a huge hug and seemed genuinely happy for me.

Anyway, last week, after my scan, i'd shared my news with some other friends who didn't already know. She was there and was very quiet. I found out 2 days ago (from someone with a big mouth who should not have shared it with me) that she'd been pregnant and had had her scan that same week. There was no heartbeat. She's waiting for a D&C.

And there i'd been, telling my good news and chatting about my flipping pregnancy and the great scan. Damn, damn, damn. My big fat mouth!

After i'd heard the news, I thought about it overnight, asked for Mr G's advice, and decided to email her to tell her I knew and apologise for last week. She came back and said she'd have told me after it was all over but was very cross with the indiscretion of our mutual friend. (I think I got that wrong too - perhaps should've protected the confidence and not blabbed) I said I was here if she needed anything. Poor, poor girl.

The second bad communication was today. A friend has been worrying about her fertility. She conceived her son (now 3) on her first attempt. (Literally) This time it has been a few months, and she's fretting. At 38, I don't really think she needs to worry just yet - it could take a few months. (I'd still said she might as well get everything checked out, just in case) Anyway, bearing in mind it's a bit sensitive, I wasn't sure how to tell her my news. I thought I had to say something in case she found out from elsewhere. I didn't want to tell her to her face nor by phone, as I thought that would be harder for her to react to if upset.

Soooooo, I decided to tell her by text. (I've just read that and thought - IDIOT!) I really did think it would be kinder. WRONG! She responded to part of my text about meeting up, but totally ignored the pregnant bit. Mr G told he thought i'd got it wrong, so i texted again to apologise and explain. She left me a voicemail saying she thought it was a bit direct as a way of telling her but she was very pleased for us. (We've a history of miscommunication over the years. She hurt me a few times when we were struggling to conceive and she was happily with baby as she just didn't get how I felt.)

Am I my own worst nightmare? I feel like i'm becoming someone I wouldn't like. I don't want to jinx the good luck we've had. Spose i'd better think a bit before I act.

I'm sorry for the vent. I hoped it would help. Not sure it has....

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Oh my, I had a sleepless night last night. So worried about how the New Passenger (NP) was going to perform today. Then my ex Passenger, my gorgeous boy, woke at 5.30am, chatting about this and that and calling for Daddy or Mummy, and that was that. We were awake with our minds racing.

We'd also had a minor fight over my PIO shot. It flipping hurt and I was sure a nerve had been hit. Mr G had to pull the needle out and put it in again. OUCH! I ended up sobbing dramatically whilst he administered my progesterone. Tensions were running high. (The good news is that was the last one - hurrah!)

After a mad morning, rushing to prepare B's breakfast & lunch, eat something myself, tidy the kitchen, make breakfast for my parents - who were coming to mind B - get a wash on and tidy up for my cleaning lady, we finally left home - only about 30 minutes later than planned. B managed to fall and bite his lip just before we went and extra time was spent mopping up blood and cuddling a sobbing baby.

It felt very peaceful to arrive at the swish scanning place. Weird to be returning.

First the bloods - where the blood letter told me that my risk would be worked out on my age when the embryo was created - 37 and not my ancient, current 41. Then, the scan. All looked good - when the sonographer (a very glamorous lady) was able to catch him or her not moving, that was. NP (measuring in at 63.3mm) was constantly on the move - which was nice.

The result - which i'm sure you're by now impatiently awaiting - was a stress relieving (for now anyway) risk for Down's of 1 in 2911 and 1 in 5377 for the other two Trisomies. Well done NP! Nuchal fold was 1.60mm. Advice was not to go for more invasive tests.

We also heard the little one's heart beating away at 154bpm and both struggled not to lose it. I could see Mr G trying to hold it together.

I'm so relieved but very aware we're just at the start. G-d has smiled down on us once again and we are so very grateful.

I went off to celebrate with the most delicious Blood Orange sorbet from an ice cream parlour close to the clinic. Yum!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

All sorts

Sorry for not posting for a while. Lovely Betty M checked up on me from the depths of her new baby and post-op sick bed - get well soon my dear.

I've not felt terribly inspired, and when I do post, the comments have been few and far between, so I wasn't sure who's following really. I know Mr G follows me, but then he gets first hand info anyway.

I don't share my stuff just for the feedback but during my deepest darkest hours all your wonderful supportive comments and virtual hugs are what have kept me going. You ladies are very important to me. I'm just not sure who's out there any more.. I read a similar post from Thalia the other day. I'm not sure i ever built such a network as she has, but my little circle seems to have vanished into the ether.

Perhaps i've been AWOL too long to expect much feedback. Any is welcome.

Anyway, my news is that i'm 11 weeks and 1 day today. We had a scan this morning at the clinic and the new passenger (NP) is still there. Heart beating away. We saw fingers, toes and even a brain. Our 12 week Nuc.hal scan is booked for next Thursday 25th. Holding my breath and still not quite believing what's happening to us. Five fresh cycles to get B and one FET with one solitary embryo to get this far. Unreal. I have the odd moment of bubbling excitement in my tummy but try not to go with it. Too early. 41 year old me has even more hurdles to clear than 39 year old me did.

Been glued to a programme called 'One Born Every Minute' It's about a Labour Ward in a hospital - a fly on the wall documentary. I'm very aware I could not have watched it not so long ago - too painful - and that if this all goes wrong, then i will watch it no more. It has me in floods every week.

B continues to be adorable. Lots more words - he's a little parrot - and loads of smiles.

Holding my breath until this time next week. x

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Praying and hoping

I can never think of an exciting title for my posts. I sit a while before writing and generally come up with something really boring. This time i thought i'd write first and see if something sprang to mind. (Most likely i'll forget and you'll get no title at all!)

Thursday's scan (at 9 weeks and 1 day) brought tears to my eyes for the first time this cycle. The little one has limb buds, big head, shrinking yolk sac (thankfully) a beating heart and even moved when the Doc nudged with the scanning wand. I think the moving was what brought my emotions up.

I exclaimed "I can't believe we've got this far". As usual, he brought me right back down to earth by frowning and reminding me that it's still very early days and that I shouldn't count my chickens just yet.

After the scan, undies and jeans back on and parked on a chair in front of him, I asked him how may people's pregnancies go wrong at this stage. He asked me why I was focussing on the negative and Mr G said it was because I was a pessimist. I laughed, but actually, if the Dr's didn't keep reminding me of all the negatives then perhaps I wouldn't. Any woman pregnant in the normal way would just assume all's well after seeing a heartbeat at this stage. We're simply not allowed to relax and enjoy! I suppose it's also down to my personality and the constant checks and scans, but if the Dr's were a little more hopeful, maybe I would be.

Having said all of that, i don't want to get lulled into too much security before we get to 12 weeks and a nuchal scan. I'll book that if all's well after this week's scan.

I'm still amazed by where I find myself.

This week's otherwise been fairly uneventful. B had his MM.R. I didn't really want to do it as we have 2 au.tistic cousins in my family and although I don't believe that MM.R does cause au.tism, i do worry that if there's a propensity it could tip the balance. Single jabs is not an option as they've run out of one of them - mumps I think. Not immunising is also not an option. If we didn't live so centrally then i might risk it for a bit longer.

Anyway, it's done now and i'm praying he's ok. At 16 months seems ahead of his peers. He has lots of words and understands loads. I hope that continues.

So this week, i'm praying for both my little ones. My gorgeous boy and the little one i'm hoping will be our second miracle.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

8 weeks

Just a quick post as i'm in need of a nap and B has just gone off to sleep. Don't want to miss my chance as i'm to work tonight - teaching pizza and salad nicoise (yum).

Anyway, the scan this morning showed the embryo - I know it becomes a foetus at some point but not sure when, maybe 12 weeks? - sorry, I've digressed. The embryo has grown and has continues to have a heartbeat. Phew. It was measuring 8 wks 5 days - but then one of the Docs (there were two in with us today) who seemed to be overseeing the scanning Doc who was perhaps learning the machine?) said 'give or take 4 days' which more or less could put us bang on. Double Phew.

The whole experience was fairly stressful as we had to take B with us. Our usual lady couldn't look after him. He went mad for me when I went behind the screen to strip off and then was fussing and moaning when we sat with the Dr's afterwards. (I feel ashamed even mentioning this as i'm well aware i'm immensely lucky to be taking one miracle to watch the other potential miracle)

As a result, Mr G went off in a huff with me because he hadn't been able to participate in the appointment. Not sure why it was my fault. Never mind.

B and I went to treat ourselves to a post-scan Brioche from Le Pain Quotidien. I used to go there and sit in after a successful scan when B was my passenger and drink tea and eat their gorgeous bread with equally gorgeous jams and chocolate spreads. It was truly special taking him in there this time. We didn't sit in as he'd only want to run about. We both enjoyed our brioche though. It was pouring with rain - as it has been for WEEKS now - so we went to West.field (huge shopping centre) and bought vests and PJ's and a "daktor" (tractor) for Barney and shared a sandwich in Benugo sandwich bar whilst playing with said daktor.

I continue to be gobsmacked by all of this. I am starting to relax a little, but I then remember all the ladies i know who've lost the heartbeat at 9 weeks or more and i remember to take each day at a time.

For today i'll enjoy knowing there's a little heart beating inside me. Wow.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

It doesn't feel right to blah on about my niggles and doubts.

I feel tiny and self-centred for expounding at length about my current fears.


Because this lady's situation puts it all into perspective. As does the situation this lady finds herself in.

What's wrong with the world when they fight so hard for their babies - which they both finally have - and then the rug is snatched from under their feet?

They've got something to moan about. More than moan actually. Their bravery in getting up each day is an inspiration. I hurt for both of them to my core.

So, when I stress about whether or not I will be able to add to my family - for which i'm hugely grateful, I remember that if I don't, i'll still have my health, my Mr G and my gorgeous B. I thank G-d for all of this several times a day. I pray to G-d that they (Vee and ES) will get through.

I've a scan on Wednesday to see what's going on for me. Til then I shall count my blessings.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

One step forward...

Monday's scan went fine and I spent much of the rest of the starting to believe that this might turn out ok.

We saw a more defined looking pair of blobby shapes - body and head - the yolk sac and a heartbeat which was, apparently at a good frequency. It measured 12mm. Phew. The scan was with Dr Doom, who has started to warm up a bit with us and was quite upbeat.

Oddly, he ordered HCG and progesterone tests. Progesterone I get, but HCG? Surely we're past that. I was going to query it but thought, 'what the hey, might as well' as I don't want to rock the boat.

All the stats say such great things about a strong heartbeat at this stage with great percentages for likelihood of getting past the 1st trimester (and beyond). Then they go and ruin it by excluding older mothers and IVF'rs. Not too sure where I stand on the older mum thang as this embryo was formed from a 37 year old egg. I hope the various risks are based on that. I'm sure a Nuch.al scan would use that age.

Anyway, the fly in my ointment came at 6ish when Dr Doom rang to tell me that my progesterone has fallen AGAIN. It's gone down to 150 from 185. What's WITH my flipping hormones? I know the level is still seriously high, but WHY is my body going in the wrong direction?!!

I'm guessing if there was an embryo issue the embryo would show signs of flagging. This is my body playing up. Work with me here, love!!

I've got to go in for blood tests (Immunes and full blood count) tomorrow morning. If they can establish what's going on, I suppose they'll change my meds.

This is keeping me on my toes.

I'm still tired (exhausted) and on-and-off nauseous, so my body's doing something right.

Let's see what tomorrow holds...

Friday, February 12, 2010


I've spent the last couple of evenings catching up on Brothers and Sisters. Well, actually, sobbing in front of it.

I love that show. Kitty's just been diagnosed and they're handling the news. I think the US are ahead of us so you may well know where it's all going.

Anyway, I wonder if I would be so emotional if my hormones weren't raging.

Wednesday's scan was fine. Embryo measuring 5.25mm. Not sure if it had grown massively or if it was just the dIfferent machine and different Doc. Whatever. Heart still beating and no more scans until next week. Prog.esterone is up too- highest yet, so also good news.

This weekend marks the anniversary of our baby blessing when we took out little boy up in front of our synagogue community and thanked G-d for giving him to us. It was 14th February because that, in turn, marked exactly a year since our little boy was transferred to my safe care as an embryo. It's one of those memories that will stick in my head forever.

I've a whole raft of those now, good and bad - the phone call telling us that Mr G's fertility was severely impaired, the moment each cycle turned out to be a BFN, the phone call telling us that I was (after cycle 5) pg, Mr G's reaction as he heard me hearing our news, B's first kick in my tummy and the first time Mr G felt one of those kicks, the moment i held B in my arms for the first time and looked him in the eye. Just a few of the moments that have made me feel so good or so bad that they're ingrained in my head.

I've started building them again with this little one, but am too scared at this stage to think too much about it. They'll still be there if this little one isn't here to stay with us, but I don't know yet whether they'll be happy or bittersweet.

Tonight my priority is B who has a stinker of a cold. Poor little thing is so bunged up and has a terrible cough. I hate not being able to help him - he sounds so pitiful crying in his cot.

I've been cooking today for a bed bound ex-neighbour of Mr G's who has asked if I could bring her some food. Steak and kidney pie (filling done in my slow cooker) and a Chicken Cacciatore. She has no teeth and asked that I cook the meat to melting softness. The slow cooker did a grand job of the steak and kidney and I did the chicken on a low heat in the oven and it's literally falling off the bone. I hope that she likes it. We're going to take B up there to (hopefully) put a smile on her face - just so long as his cold's a bit better.

Next scan Monday...

Monday, February 08, 2010


The clinic rang with today's results.

HCG up to 15,684 - that's just over double in the 72 hours since last test. Progesterone is up to 163.

Head Doc thinks no need for IVI.g just yet but i'm back in on Wed for another scan to see how the little one's doing.

Feeling a little more like this could go the right way.


An interesting morning...

A ver-reee interesting morning indeed.

Us 3 went to the clinic and, as usual we had a long wait for the scan. I felt extremely awkward in a room full of women in treatment and couples there for a "teach" session with B trotting around exclaiming "mummy", "car" and "ra, ra" at random intervals. Wind back 2 years (when i was nearing the end of the cycle that brought me B) and had anyone told me i'd be there with my child one day, i'd have laughed in their face.

Anyway, eventually, we were called upstairs. The receptionist said we'd go straight in but whoever got called up with us did a real sly one and sneaked in ahead of us. There are some things you just don't do - and that's really not playing the game.

Unaware of this, we waited several minutes - probably 10 - outside the door, and, with B getting less and less enamoured of his day trip to a London IV.F clinic (well, return home really) I decided to knock. I opened and saw a Dr and patient (Miss Sly Fox herself) and apologised. What i did clock is that i'd seen that Doc before.

"Goodness!" i said to Mr G "I think the Dr in there is Dr Doom" (not his name, although it might as well have been). Dr Doom was the head honcho from the clinic who told us to give up back in December 2007. The man who damn near broke my heart.

Cut a long story short, when we got in there he introduced himself and it WAS!! I told him, the last time we saw you, you told us we'd never be successful and that you wouldn't treat us any more. We came here and this - gesturing at my little boy - is the result. I've dreamed of telling that man he was wrong and here was my moment. Bizarre.

He has been working for my top Doc for a year now. He said he wanted to do what the top Doc is doing and to learn from him! Mad.

Anyway, cut to the chase - because I know you'll be waiting for this. The scan showed a sac, foetal pole and tiny little heartbeat. Measurement was 4.6mm. All good.

Dr Doom had no idea of where I was at in my treatment - he'd even asked me when I walked in where I was in my cycle(!!!!) I had to tell him what was going on and what drugs I was on. That threw me somewhat and I didn't think to ask about my slow rising levels and up and down progesterone until I was leaving. He said the HCG should be doubling every 2 days - which didn't help my nerves about this - and that the progesterone falling was not good. Great. So, i've a heartbeat - which, to be honest, I couldn't really see, but Mr G says he could - but still a fear of falling.

More bloods were taken today and i've left a message with the clinic asking them to ask the top Doc whether or not IVI.g would help and if the different steroid this time makes a difference.

I'm extremely relieved to see someone in there, but for now, still concerned and, this afternoon, pretty symptomless. : (

Saturday, February 06, 2010


At times like this, my internet use shoots up. Nothing is more comforting (or, at times, unnerving) than a good trawl. Message boards, quack sites and blogs are all useful fodder. Although, after several years of freaking myself out, i've learned (sort of) when to switch off. It's a hard habit to break though.

My HCG went up to 7105 on Friday. The clinic didn't call until after 6pm, which was stressful in itself. Prog was up to 169, so heading back in the right direction. The numbers hadn't doubled - or even close, but my helpful graph said the increase from start to now was 'adequate'. As there's precisely zero I can do about any of this, i've just got to go with it.

The nurse - who wasn't overly confident and who is, I suspect, quite new to the job - agreed the rate had slowed down but said the top doc wasn't worried. He'd ordered me to stick with my meds and come in for a scan on Monday or Tuesday. No more bloods til then.

Monday OR Tuesday..... Eeeeeeerm, let me see. Monday or Tuesday? Like there's a choice!!!! I'm booked in for 9am Monday morning, when Mr G, B and I (no one to sit for us) will be waiting to hear what's happening in there. I'm in a strange place because of those numbers, but like Betty M said, perhaps the continual testing is counterproductive.

Symptom-wise, i've had on and off nausea (particularly in the morning but lots of the day), dragging tiredness and a bit of edginess. There's the odd cramp too.

I'm convinced now that B was one of two. Those numbers were SO high. Of course that means that his co-embie disappeared at some point which THEN means i'm more anxious i've only the one embie in there to lose! Too much thinking. So, i prefer to read other people's stories and take my mind of my own.

Two more sleeps and we MAY have an idea what's what. Obviously with these numbers and at only 6 weeks there's every chance it'll be too early for a heartbeat. We'll cross that bridge as and when.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Just a quick one as it's late

...i've worked tonight and am working tomorrow so must get to bed.

Monday's beta was not quite double at 2359 and today's was again, almost but not quite double at 4584. As they are consistent and when plugged into a clever graph on babymed.com which i tried to link up but which hasn't worked.

The slight concern I have is that my progesterone is falling. 175 then 161 and today, 131. The nurses tell me not to be concerned but, obviously, I am. Not sure what to take from that. I'm busily shooting up with Gest.one but it's an uphill battle.

Aside from that I'm doing ok. I must think to myself "Oh my goodness, I'm pregna.nt!" about,errrrrm, 20,000 times a day.

It's SUCH a novelty. I know i've done it before, but this is somehow different. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because i'm the luckiest girl in the world to have my little boy and i'm not sure i've any more luck due. (I so hope I am) I'm well aware this could vanish in a heartbeat - or lack of one - but for now, i'm allowing myself moments of enjoying the thought that, like normal fertile folk, i've got a little boy and a potential second one in my belly. I can't quite believe it but also can't quite let myself go with it as that'd open me up to the huge fall if (when?) this goes south.

I've met a new IF friend. We kept bumping into each other at the clinic and clicked right away. I was with B and, embarrassed and sensitive to being the lady with a baby at the IF clinic felt the need to announce he was the result of my 5th IV.F AND at that clinic.

She was on her 5th IV.F and had, for the first time got a decentish beta. However, her scores were at times not doubling and weren't huge. Sadly, her pregnancy turned out to be ectopic. I so felt for her and wanted to let her have my number to talk but felt odd about it. I happened to stalk her out from her messages on an IF message board site and she got back to me straight away. We've become friendly and she was able to lend me some drugs yesterday when my pharmacy let me down. She even offered to drive them round at 10pm. I didn't take her up on that but popped over to see her today and met her Mum. She's a sweetie and i'm immensely grateful that people like her are about. I hate IF but it's amazing how there's a camaraderie in all being in this together. I'm sure she'll get there, she's SO close.

Better get to bed now.

Thanks to those that have popped by to congratulate.


Saturday, January 30, 2010

Still holding my breath

Just heard from the clinic and we're now up to 1340. That embryo is motoring.

My progesterone is a mood (un)enhancing, husband snapping, nerve fraying 173. We're really feeling that one - or at least Mr G is. Not that he's being noble about it. He just keeps telling me how highly strung I am and that i need to calm down. I KNOW THAT!!!!! (Said in shouty voice) Not that easy when you're pumping syringes full of chemically induced hormonal angst into your butt muscles every night. I wonder if normal pg women are terrorists?

Never mind, it's all in a good cause. The best cause.

It's bitterly cold again and there was a thin layer of snow out there when i left for today's beta. They didn't tell us that was coming. It melted in Central Lon.don when the sun actually came out today. Long may that continue.

I'm writing a piece for a restaurant mag and struggling to concentrate. I've visited 2 cafes in the last couple of days that i'd like to write about - one excellent one in Hampst.ead - Ginger & White and a second, in Maryleb.one, which was also worth a return visit - mostly for the ice cream bar part of it, called Cocorino. Whilst i've enjoyed gorging myself on cranberry granola, porridge, oreo cupcakes and red velvet cupcakes, banana caramel cake and olive bread, i've still not really got it nailed and have a deadline looming. My brain has been a bit (entirely) ambushed by this embryo. I need to find a bit of focus.

B started swimming lessons yesterday. We both went and Mr G went in. I should have vanished, because my screaming son only wanted me. I ended up borrowing a swimsuit and going in to hold him. Once he'd seen other babies enjoying themselves and worked out it could be fun in there he released his clamped arms and legs from around me and started to actually enjoy himself. I backed off so Mr G could do the Daddy thang as planned and they had a great time splashing around. He was enjoying it so much that when it was time to give back the float to the teacher he just said "na" and snatched it away from her. He was so happy on our drive home - I hope next week starts where we left off...

Next beta is on Monday. We're catching up with B's scores, but still only about half of what they were last time. Main thing is that it's moving.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Today's scores

This morning's HCG (15dp3dt) was 495. More than double Tuesday's score. Funnily enough, i'm feeling less pg than ever.

I get the odd moment of nausea or light headedness and the tiredness, but it's so early, there's a lot of disturbingly normal time.

That said, this little embryo does seem to be hanging on in there. (I hate even saying it just in case i jinx anything!)

I'm exhausted. It's partly my body feeling tired but more because of my own anxiety and B's continued early wake ups. I can usually doze when he wakes at 5 something in the morning and starts trotting out his vocabulary of about 10 words. Well, he mostly says "Daddy" and "Car" with the odd "Mama" to make me feel better. At the moment, i'm up as soon as he is and up we both stay. Both of us in our own beds. Me silent. Him increasingly noisy until it reaches a fever pitch of "come and get me" wails and Mr G goes in to get B up.

I'm still awaiting my instructions from the clinic for today (at 6pm!) but imagine it'll be a blood test on Saturday morning.

I'll post again when i've got more to say. Feeling a bit monosyllabic today.

Oh - went to work last night which was full-on but fun. Taught apple tarts with creme anglais and spinach, bacon and mango salad. A new group of demanding beginners but i'm sure they'll improve. I had to 'fess up to my colleague what's going on for me as I need to avoid heavy lifting just for now. She told me she did years of IVF and then adopted. IF truly is all around.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Movin' on up ...

...to 195 today.

Not double, but then it's only 24 hours. I'll be back in on Thursday for another blood let.

I still have a niggling worry about these numbers compared to B's. He doubled in 24 hrs from 330 to 660 AND my progesterone was double what it is now. I KNOW every pregnancy is different, but i'd feel a whole lot better if this little one could catch up even a little. Perhaps it's my nature to fret and I should shut up and enjoy but I do feel that this is all a bit too good.

I'm feeling super tired and on-and-off nauseous and really suffering strong smells. Had a sleep earlier which has helped.

This is all so weird - i feel i'm in a halfway sort of a place. I'd forgotten how stressful this first few weeks is. I'll just try to immerse myself in B stuff. I don't want him to have a distracted mother because of all of this.

I can't quite believe i'm pregnant.

I called my mum and stepdad, who've been in Australia with my brother since early December. I hadn't told them we were doing the FET - no sense in having her worry and spoil her trip. She was gob smacked. I woke them up early and when my stepdad asked what was going on she said "Portia's pg". That sounded SO strange and 'out there'. It was a wonderful moment though to have told her like that. Something i've dreamed of.

Please let this little bundle make it to real, live, babyhood.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Trust in the sticks

...cos they're telling the truth and now i must buy more and more and more, because.....

....my beta results came back at 106. Not the whopper score in the 300's that I had with Barney, but apparently (so the clinic tell me) frosties take a bit longer to get going.

OMG. I seem to be pregnant and i'm stunned.

When the head nurse of the clinic called to tell me I cried. I was pushing B's buggy down the street.

It's almost too good to be true and a little nagging voice is saying "things like this don't happen to you without a lot more angst and pain. Wait and see...something'll go wrong in a while." I'm not going to listen to it - well i'm trying not to.

I think i'll do some googling to establish where my beta sits in the scale of things and, for a while, i'll sit and smile like a looney. I really can't believe this has happened. Fingers crossed that tough little frostie (from my very first cycle) continues to do it's stuff, that I continue to do mine and the wonder clinic do theirs.

Thanks girls for being there for me. Again. xx

ps: BeeCee - i m sorry i managed to delete your last comment, but as we've been in touch via txt i hope that makes up for it.
pps: the pic is not of my sticks, just the same brand. I'll try to shoot mine for posterity.


Woke at 5.50am - ahead of B for once and after lying there a while decided it was time to POAS.

This morning's stick was darker and i'm now feeling a bit symptomatic. Sense of smell is stronger and some nausea - surely way too early for that - and some major tiredness, but that could well be the lack of sleep the last few nights. There's a little part of me is concerned i'm thinking myself into it.

Went for my beta and now just gotta wait.....

tick tock tick tock

Sunday, January 24, 2010


So I caved.

Tested this morning and got a v faint BFP. Not so faint you had to examine it with a magnifying glass and torch, but not the deep, dark lines I got at 14dp3dt last time. It came up reasonably fast too.

You'd think we'd be jumping around and I want to be excited, but the line is so faint that i'm not sure I can be. Last time, my HCG was 300ish on day 12. If it was even half of that today, it would be MUCH darker. I thought of asking to have my beta moved up to today, to sort this out, but decided i'd like to stay in this twilight almost PG world just a little longer. Problem is, i've next to no symptoms again. Very occasional cramping and perhaps the slightest swelling of the boo.bs. Oh, and also some dizziness and light headedness.

Perhaps this is chemical. No point second guessing. I'll use the second stick later or tomorrow and the bloods will give me more of a clue.

Goodness gracious me this embryo is giving us a run for our money.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Weird place

I'm too scared to test.

I have NO idea how I got to the beta last time without testing. How can I go to the test place on Monday morning without having first got an idea of what the scores on the doors might be. BUT this time i'm too scared to test. I had no test kits at home last time and refused to buy one as I was too superstitious.

This time i've given in and added to my internet grocery shop a sneaky HPT kit. Somehow that felt less 'naughty' than going into the chemist. It was, of course, the first thing i laid my hands on when i unpacked the groceries last night. I looked at it a little and took it straight to my bathroom where i hid it on a high shelf behind my jumbo box of tampons. The shelves are glass so I can still see the bottom of the box but i'm trying not to look.

I woke at 4am needing the bathroom and lay wondering if i should test, but I sort of like this place where i'm "almost pg". Where I can daydream of what might be. [I typed some daydreams there, but had to delete them, because it felt too 'out there' in print.]

One of the websites calls this place 'PUPO' - which i imagine means pg unless proven otherwise. (I'm sure that's a common term) It's a better place to be than - where i'll be after a BFN. I didn't test, but couldn't get back to sleep until almost 6am when B started chattering so i'm now a bit zombied.

Emotionally this really isn't as bad as last time although Mr G says it's harder for him. The only way it's harder is because i have now had a BFP and am second guessing myself wondering if this is like that - sadly it doesn't seem to be as I have next to no symptoms. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Except for some cramps. No AF yet. As i'm not nearly as drugged up as last time should AF not be here by now? I'm on day 31 of my cycle. But then maybe not, as i ovulated really late this month. Who knows!

I spent yesterday afternoon in a room of pg women. My NCT (childbirth class - not sure if you have an equivalent where you are?) group met. Of the girls who had their first with me, 4 are already well on their way to their second. There was a lot of bump patting and pg chatter. I know I should be gracious and happy for them but i find it hard and, at times painful. Guess i'll just have to get over myself...or stop seeing them. I got a bit comfortable in the fertile world there being matey with them. i should know better!

I do think we'll have to try again now. A friend I saw on Thursday has 2 girls. The first conceived naturally, the second after 2 rounds of IV.F. She conceived her little girl (3 months younger than B) at 41 and was just 42 when she was born. I could do that.... Will - with Mr G's permission - find out about the next steps as soon as we can.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

2 4 6 and 7dp3dt

The number of posts i have written to date and where i am in my 2WW.

Thought i'd update so i've some record of how things have been going.

I've had fairly bad cramps pretty much since transfer. Today's the first day it's not been quite so bad. I THINK that's when AF (still hating that term but too lazy to think of an alternative) tends to show up. It all goes quiet on the western front and then BOOM, in she charges giving me the fright of my life. (I'm still half hoping she won't show up, but do need to be careful with my optimism)

I can still feel the trembling shock of the discovery of AF's arrival during my 2.WW of each cycle. I go into shock which only really turns into full-on misery hours later. I'm now on high alert Kn.icker Watch now, expecting bad news every visit to the little girls' room. All my previous failures have ended around day 10 or 11, and they were without the glorious Gest.one, so who knows what will happen this time.

I'm fully on board the rollercoaster. Spent yesterday moping around West.field shopping centre because I was sure AF had arrived or was about to and today, as my boo.bs are making their presence felt (and why wouldn't they be after a week pumped up on proges.erone) i'm feeling in with a chance. They're not exactly tender but 'full' - perhaps TMI.

I went for a muddy walk with B and a friend and felt lightheaded walking up the hills. Won't be fooled by that one either, as i've had that every cycle no matter what. It was good to keep occupied though and really helped take my mind off things. Oh, and i've no tiredness, but then i'm not sure you would feel tired at this early stage anyway.

On Monday, a friend visited and took some lovely pix of my little boy, so here's a gratuitous shot of me and he, to break up all this text:
For the record he does have more than one sweater, but, as you can see, I really like this one and he'll grow out of it soon, so it gets a lot of wear!

Other stuff
I've been trying to eat healthily - good for me whichever way this goes - and have made some yummy meals this week. (If i say so myself)

I'm really into beetroot at the moment and served a roasted beetroot, yoghurt and dill salad with smoked haddock fish cakes last night. If beetroot wasn't such hard work i'd make it all the time.

Night before I ate a beef casserole (made in the slow cooker I got from Mr G for Xmas) which took me straight back to my mother's casseroles that we'd eat as children. It was just missing peas, which i love when they've cooked ages in a casserole to a dark olive squidginess. I've also made baked red cabbage and apple in the slow cooker which was also yummy. It really makes a difference to flavours.

Tonight i've 2 sea bass to cook and have yet to decide what to do with them. I want to try a new recipe using parsnips to so with them too. Just realised Mr G's out so might have to freeze the fish. I've some gingered chick peas - also done in slow cooker - which would go well with a baked potato. If you're not already asleep from my food filled ramblings, i'm done now! xx

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Lucky i'm not (too) superstitious

After I saw 2 magpies (meant to be good news) before my 2nd IC.SI BFN, i've stopped believing in good or bad omens.

Lucky, as i've had two things happen this morning. Firstly, one of B's bottles had a crack in it which i didn't notice til it kept on leaking everywhere. Then, just now, as i was pouring boiling water into a mug, the mug cracked and hot water went flooding everywhere. Glad i wasn't holding the mug.

2 cracked vessels in a morning. Could get me worrying about something, but no point. What will be will be.

Enjoying my Gest.one again (not) and already sore on both sides. Did my own jab last night, which was not easy as it's near on impossible to pull the plunger out a bit to check for blood. Decided just to press on. Proud of myself for managing though. A big psychological hurdle passed. That needle is SO scary.

Feeling a bit distant from B as Mr G keeps taking him to give me a break. Better go and put my feet up for a short while.


Friday, January 15, 2010

Back on Gestone

I think my earlier post might be taken as the ramblings of a drugged up loon. I'm not sure quite what i meant as I think actually IV.F is all about survival and nothing more. Maybe it comes down to who can survive it intact.

I've heard from the clinic. A call at 16.30 to tell me to start on Gest.one : ( As i had not Gest.one knocking about (funnily enough) nor a prescription for some, I wondered how I was meant to do that. The helpful embryologist who called said she'd get a script ready and would hang around til i could get there.

Lucky we live close to the clinic. Many others would be drugless tonight.

It has, of course, sent me into a spiral of gloom. If my Progesterone is low that must be BAD news! She told me it hasn't fallen, it could just be higher. Hmmmmmm... They'll test again on Sunday.

Can you be 'good' at IV.F?

We've been discussing whether or not we'd go again. (If this cycle fails that is)

There's every possibility. Mr G said i was 'good' at IVF. That it suited me. He said I like a structure and a project, a bit of planning, research and organisation.

I think what he saw was my taking control. IF makes you lose control over your life. I've been used (as most of us are) to being in charge of my destiny - as far as you can be. Having it taken out of your hands is petrifying. Reclaiming control - through finding the best clinic, researching everything to the nth degree and speaking to everyone I could about it made me feel back on top of things again.

Nonetheless, it made me think. Can anyone be better or worse at this? Does it suit some more than others? Definitely the result is irrelevant to how able you are to cope with it.

Am still hanging out at home. Will take it a bit easy until the weekend's over. I figure that if this embryo wants to stick around it will have made its mind up by then. After that it's just a matter of taking care of myself.

I've discovered i'm a useless blogger. I was trying to see how I did last time and my blog entries are RUBBISH! I've no idea how i was feeling for much of the 2WW. For the first two cycles i recorded every niggle and cramp but i'd obviously got over all of that by then. If anyone was checking out my history for some clues of how it feels to be pg or of how i was coping it just isn't there!

For the record, i feel pretty normal. The odd lower back cramp but nothing else except stressy moments.

I do seem to be having a reaction to the Rito.drine - a drug to stop muscle spasm of the uterus. It makes me jittery and anxious - the last thing i need right now. I can stop if necessary and may well do if it doesn't improve. No mention of that in my record of last time. Also no mention of which steroids I was on last time. I'm sure they were different. Again, never mind. Doesn't make much difference. They've decided no IVI.g for me this time and no Ges.tone. That may change today when I get the results of this morning's Prog test. Of course, i'm worrying that i'm NOT on those now as they worked last time!

For now, i'll keep on drinking the water, lying low and chilling. Just got to take B for his jabs this afternoon. Poor little lamb's going to HATE it : (

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

deeper and deeper

Soooooooooooo, at 8.30am the clinic calls. The embryo has done its thing and divided into a lovely 8 cell-er. They want us to go in in 1 hr and 30 mins to have it transferred. It's pouring with snow (does it 'pour' with snow or is there some other verb?) so they say not to stress over timings. Get there when we can.


I simply wasn't imagining this would happen. The 50:50 chance of a successful thaw has gone our way. Not only that, but apparently the embryo is almost top class, just a little bit of fragmentation knocking it off the top spot.


I'm playing with Barney and grinning like a lunatic. I HATE this! It's the top of the rollercoaster. The bit where you smile, you laugh and all's groovy. I've been here before. We're in with a chance.

I'm so unprepared for this. I've done no 'prep'. No depriving myself from caffeine, no acupuncture course, no vitamins or other paraphernalia. This can't be IV.F. IV.F doesn't work like this.

On the way in, I called two local acupuncture clinics to see if it'd be worth doing a post-transfer session. Both said yes. One (the lady who did my treatment pre and post last time) said she'd squeeze me in for pre and post. Bingo.

And then we're there. Back in the room where Barney joined us. The head Doc shaking our hands. Almost 2 years to the day. (Barney was transferred on 14th Feb) Everyone was lovely, but how weird. I left with a huge list of drugs to start. The usual, Cle.xane, Cyclo.gest, Prednis.olone, Ritodr.ine and aspirin. No I.VI.g this time. At least that keeps the cost down a little.

Mr G's started looking forward but I can't, can't, can't imagine it working. This is dangerous. Like the first cycle when you know it's not likely to succeed, but when it doesn't, the disappointment hits you like a ton of bricks and shoves you over into a hopeless, black precipice. We all know of top class embryos that have hit the dust. Still, the stakes are so different, there's a little boy living with us now. It must surely hurt less.

Luckily we had a sitter booked for today. She's hanging on to help out with B today whilst I loll in my bed. Mr G's on high stress alert and wants me off my feet and not lifting as much as possible. Yeah right. I've now told a few close people what's going on, but only on a 'need to know' basis.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Heard from the embryologists

My hormones must've been fine. I took a call during Rock-a-bye (music class) to hear they were thawing our embryo right then. They'd call me back within the hour. I went back to chasing a toddler more interested in the radiators and buggies parked around the walls than in the lady at the front.

I took the second call whilst walking in our (frosty, freezing) local park with Barney, a local Mum friend and her little boy.

Our 4 cell embryo defrosted ok, but they want to hold off on transfer until they've seen if it continues splitting. We'll know tomorrow what the score is.

I had tears in my eyes when the embryologist told me the news. Darn. And there I was thinking i was pulling off the world's first emotionally detached cycle. They'll let us know tomorrow if it's lasted the night and if we're to go in for transfer.

Mr G said (and he's right) that this feels like we're testing the water for another fresh cycle. It does feel like i'm observing all the girls at the clinic going through their cycles. He seemed open to more fresh cycles. Am I? I think so, but part of me feels we should quit whilst we're ahead. We're a bit old for all of this.

I'm very aware of my age - even though I don't feel it especially. When they do your blood test they ask you your date of birth. I used to announce mine loud and proud, but this time I whisper it. I don't hear any other children of the 60's. The girls sitting beside me in the queue are all of 70's. Even those born in the early 70's are all pushing 40 and i'm well past that milestone.

Anyway, B's asleep and I need to have a lie down. Been going to bed too late and am feeling it. I've also got cooking lessons to plan. Wonder what tomorrow will bring for that microscopic ball of cells.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Happy New Year


Gosh, it's been so long since i published a real, live blog entry, i'm feeling a bit strange about posting. I feel a bit outside the clique.

I've kept my eye on my ladies and even commented on a few. I'm still the IV.F guru to my nearest and dearest and. I'll always be infertile and IF will be a large part of my life.

I just don't feel I can get quite as comfortable in that world. Where once I could walk in heave off my shoes and have a good old vent about life with friends who shared my emotions, I don't feel I've liberty to moan about my wanting for a second child when there are countless others still waiting for one. How dare I?

But every time yet another of the girls in my NCT (childbirth) peer group announces their second pregnancy ("oh i really didn't think it would happen so soon!!!") it's a kick in the guts and it takes a few days to shake off the grey cloud that sits Linus-like, over me.

I don't feel connected with them - the fertile majority, discussing 'when' not 'if' they'll have their babies. Accidental pregnancies and 'first go' conceptions abound. I'm not one of them and I don't want to know about it. I'd be fine living in a little bubble of me, Mr G and B, as then I'd feel ok about my one, gorgeous adorable child. More than ok, blessed. Totally and utterly. I love him so very much. Here's a gratuitous pic

I didn't come online to moan though. I came online to report that we're finally close to finding out if that lonely embryo has any chance of making it further than the 2 days of existence it has reached. I've been visiting the clinic for the last few days for bloods and scans and they called today to say they MIGHT attempt a thaw tomorrow.

The solo embryo has travelled across town and is waiting patiently for its big moment. It has a 50:50 chance of defrosting and then a itty, bitty chance of making it to a real, live pregnancy. If it's not going to make it then i'd almost rather we don't get past the defrost. I'll be upset, certainly, but at least I won't spend a fortnight obsessing, injecting £'s and £'s worth of drugs and fantasising about a future little P.

I'm playing all of this down - to myself even. I keep reminding myself it's SO unlikely to work - but who am i kidding? Which IV.F cycle isn't followed by a huge emotional precipice from which you spend the next few weeks crawling out of? It's like a woman saying that she doesn't get emotionally involved after s*x. Yeah, right.

So, in the next few days we'll know the score and then Mr G and I can decide what next. Are we too old to try IV.F again? Do we have the stomach for it? Are we brave enough to try adoption? Who knows? If only it were as easy as the happy accidents that happen all around us. But then, perhaps we wouldn't appreciate what we've got as much as we do.