Sunday, June 29, 2008

Greece Rocks

I'm back!!!

We have just had a gorgeous week on a beautiful Greek Island in the most wonderful hotel. The first row of pics shows a room next to ours and pics of our room. It was stunning. We had a pool just outside our bedroom and a perfect view of the sea. The staff were all so lovely - nothing too much trouble - and the setting, totally peaceful. Mr G ended up working every day on his laptop and on the phone, rising early as he was so stressed - we saw more than one beautiful sunrise - but at least we were able to spend some time together.

We laughed (a lot) and generally enjoyed each other's company. We ate very very well. I worried it wouldn't be good for Mr G as he's a (fish eating) vegetarian but it could not have been better. He loves houmous, feta, haloumi and other Greek type foods and there was plenty of those. We ate three good meals a day, with snacks. I was horrified to read today that i have (at this point) gained half my pregnancy weight and have another half to go. As i've already gained about 20lbs, that's not good news. Not a lot I can do about that now...

My only blip on holiday was a really sore shoulder. I've pulled something and it feels like a burning sensation in the joint. I just couldn't shake it. It meant i didn't swim as much as i meant to, but spent plenty of time in the pool reading my book - far too hot to sunbathe. No complaints - it was bliss.

On the TP front. I spent a certain amount of time worrying all was well. On Friday, Mr G - who talks to my tummy on a daily basis now - asked for a big kick to let us know all was well. I was lying on the sun lounger with my hands on my tum when a felt something like a bubble rise to the surface inside and pop at the top. I felt something like a drum beat against my hand. I couldn't believe it. Mr G was on a business call so I couldn't be certain I hadn't imagined it. Anyway, we were lying on the bed last night laughing about some of the holiday exploits when it happened again. I put Mr G's hand on my belly and he felt it too! It was so emotional. I'd laughed so much I had tears pouring down my face - you know how it is when it could change any minute to full on blubbing? When TP did the kicking thing I nearly lost it.

I spend a lot of time feeling immensely grateful for everything.

On a sad note, my friend who is carrying twins and went in to premature labour has lost one of her babies. The little boy was born on Saturday night and didn't make it. His sister is still inside and doing ok. I'm praying that they hold onto at least one baby. Life is so unfair. Why should people who go through so much to get pregnant (2 IVF's for her with full-on OHSS for good measure both times) then have to endure such horror. Haven't they had enough? She's in a hospital on the other side of London but i'm going to go up there this week to support her and her husband. It's just not fair.

My friend having her second IVF was converted to IUI and is waiting. I'm praying for her and her husband too.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Rushing. Warning - scan pics in post no belly for now...but the good news is that TP is looking good and performed well for the nice lady Dr.

All bits present and correct and no markers for anything horrid. Phew. We both cried - or rather welled up with - tears of relief and happiness. We know what sex our little one is for sure, but are keeping it a big secret for now.

I have to go - we're due to leave in about an hour and i haven't started packing. I'll be in Cephalonia for the next week chilling out and catching up on sleep i missed out on this week worrying about our scan. I'm so excited! It's meant to be beautiful there.

Have a good week and here's a 3D pic of our little TPLooking a lot like Mr G.

I'm blown away.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Alright already

Thanks for recent comments.

I've had a few requests for belly shots. I'll ask Mr G to do the honours or see if I can manage an 'in the mirror' shot. I'll get it up before today.

I was actually meaning to take pics monthly. So much for that! I must get started on the shots so thank you for the requests.

Watch this space - belly coming have been warned.

ps: made some gorgeous mini carrot cake muffins this morning. The pic isn't mine but look just the same - although i topped mine with a walnut each. Usual recipe but in small muffin cups. They were so cute! I made them for the attendees of my apartment block's management committee meeting. I've got so sick of them doing nothing i decided to join. We had the meeting in the gardens outside my flat and (being a Jewish Mother in waiting) I just couldn't have people here and not feed them. Hence the muffins. At least they appreciated them.

Does anyone else have to get busy when people come round - cleaning? cooking? hiding the clutter?

Monday, June 16, 2008

20 weeks tomorrow - lots about pregnancy

Tomorrow i'll have made it to 20 weeks. Who'd have thought? I never thought i'd get this far. I've got my 20 week anomaly scan on Friday. I'm still nervous about TP but i'm starting to feel a whole lot better about this pregnancy.

I'm starting to move from "is she tubby?" to "she looks like she could be pregnant". More than one person has touched my tum in the last few days. I still feel a bit nervous about saying i'm pregnant just in case i'm not next week. I'm also uncomfortable about looking too far into the future. Every so often though i am overwhelmed with the joy and pleasure of it all.

One huge change has been in my marriage. Neither Mr G nor I had realised how much IF had hijacked us. We thought we were doing ok, and in the circumstances, we were. We had our moments of being 'us' but it's only now, now that the pressure is off that I can see how far off 'us' we were. We've jumped back to how we were when we first met. Part of the joy of this pregnancy is getting my marriage back again.

I feel uncomfortable writing this when i know others who are still in the trenches might read it, but i need to say it. I feel angry that IF put us through such hell, but blessed and immensely lucky to be where i am now. I'm so full of love for Mr G i could burst with it. (Sorry for that mush)

I just hope that TP arrives and is healthy.

I have so many friends in need of good wishes and support at the moment:

My friend with twins in early labour was released (after her circlage) but re-admitted to hospital this weekend. She'll be in for the rest of her pregnancy. She's only 21 weeks and I'm praying her twins make it a few more weeks. She was very lucky not to have lost them already and is in the best place.

Another friend is in the middle of a cycle and only has 2 follicles to show so far after a week of stims. I'm praying things work out for her. Her husband - a friend of Mr G - is really finding it very hard to deal with.

I had tea with a lady who is covering as Features Editor for one of the papers I write for. She has just found out she and her dh will need to do ICSI. I so feel for her and have said she must ask me if there's anything she needs to know. She doesn't know anyone who's had IVF. I feel so very lucky to have made it this far over the fence. I hope I can help her.

Finally, i took some lunch to my friend who's in the middle of her chemotherapy for breast cancer. She's 39 with 2 small children. She's being so brave and i'm so proud of her. We sat in her garden and talked for hours today about IVF and cancer. She has 2 more chemo sessions and then radiotherapy. She won't know for a few more months how the cancer is doing. I'm praying it will all be gone. She and i had lost touch and i'm so grateful that we're back in touch again.

I think that's all for this post. Mr G's in Paris - for the second time in a week and for the next two nights. I'll miss him, but want to make the most of the chance of an early night, so i must get off to bed.

Night night.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Good news & quite a bit of PG stuff

I seem to be going through some sort of hormonal crying phase. Everything, and i mean anything and everything is prone to have me well up and, worse still, sob. Television programmes, good news and even just thinking about how far i've come all can trigger tears. I'm not sad - far from it - just prone to blubbing.

After some hysteria on Tuesday night - hours before Mr G was due to hop on the Eurostar to Paris - i decided to try to get seen a day early at the Emergency Gynaecology Dept. I'd got myself into such a state about the cramping that i couldn't face another night of stressing - especially with Mr G away.

I rang them all morning but no one replied. (I still haven't had an answer the next day!) I decided to turn up. I arrived to a packed room and immediately burst into tears. The male receptionist was pretty cool about the weeping woman in front of him and said they'd try to see me. He let me hide in his room for a minute to get my act together. The worst thing was that even then, i couldn't stop and the nurses were just totally ignoring me! I filled in a form whilst snivelling and managed to get it together enough to leave the room. It was 12.30pm and he said to come back just before 2pm when the afternoon clinic would begin. I decided not to go home but had some lunch - which turned out to be very nice - and spoke to Mr G, who was convinced i was so hormonal that all must be ok.

I went back to 2pm and sat waiting until about 3.30pm. They kept saying how busy they were, but they had no urgency at all. Clinic opened at 2pm. The Registrar doing the scanning strolled up at 2.10 and the nurse practitioner at 2.20. There were 3 of us waiting - one lady had been there since 10.15am!! They saw her first and then me. The Registrar just had a look at TP with the ultrasound. He said there was nothing else he could do. I asked if the placenta was ok. He then had a look at that and said 'yes, looks fine'. He said that if something was really wrong i'd be in huge pain and there would be bleeding or discharge.

He thought it was just growing pains. I'm sure he's right, but he gave me zero confidence. Whilst i was in there, the emergency room called him. Without even seeing the patient he said to give her heavy pain relief and he'd come when he could but he had lots to do and wasn't going to hurry. He said they could bleep him all they liked but it would make no difference to when he came. Very caring!

Anyway, i'm still hurting but less concerned. Suppose it's my fantastically taut stomach muscles - as if....

My happiest news is that a friend - you may recall i bumped into her at the clinic a few weeks ago. Has had her first scan (at 6 and a half weeks) and she saw 2 sacs and 2 heartbeats!! I'm so, so happy for her - it had me in tears again. She's very nervous as her last BFP ended in a miscarriage at about 9 weeks but as her numbers are were so much better this time i'm sure it's going to work out. It's another good news story for us older birds. She's 41 and a half - 42 in December. It can happen!

Monday, June 09, 2008

The other side of the fertility fence

I had a busy weekend. On Saturday we went to a garden party of an old school friend. She has been guilty of some hugely insensitive comments over the last couple of years and it was touch and go whether Mr G and I would attend, especially since it was going to be packed with small children. Even the friend's considerably younger sister had managed to produce her own small (and immensely cute) child!

As life is a bit easier on the IF front with TP on board, we decided we'd go - for a short while at least.

It was, as expected, packed with parents and small children racing around madly. It wasn't too bad. I only knew a handful of people there - including the hostess's family and a couple of our other school friends. We stood talking and eating canapes most of the time. The children were for the most part very cute. I'm very taken with the children of one of my school friends - V.

Mr G met a guy who used to be in the armed protection unit for the Queen which made his afternoon. He'd done that man nagging thing for the whole week before and all the way to the party - you know, the whole whiny "why do we have to go to this party", "how long must we stay" thing. All that changed once he met "a guy who protected the Queen with a gun!". My party curfew was immediately lifted.

Anyway, the point of this story isn't to embarrass my gorgeous husband. I went up to my two school friends to say hi. One (V) - who i'm in regular touch with asked how i was doing and I did that (yuck) pg thing of patting the bump. The other one - B - who is in close touch with V clearly had no idea I was pg and was full of happy congratulations. All very innocent you would think.

A while later I was chatting tp B. Turns out she had one child and was unable to conceive number 2. She'd had 3 failed IVF's after which she'd given up. I had no idea. She was asking me loads of questions about my treatment and then started to cry. I felt SO SO shitty. I took her to the corner of the garden for privacy and we had a longer talk. Her husband had been against donor eggs, she wasn't keen on adoption and after some matrimonial to-ing and fro-ing. they'd given up. She still hoped for that miracle, but clearly it was hurting.

I had tears in my eyes and felt so f'ing useless. I was cross too. Well meaning fertile friends had clearly chosen to keep my news from her so as not to hurt her. She was hijacked somewhat and probably had an emotional stumble as a result.

I realise i'm now contradicting myself. Two posts ago i was all for keeping certain news from the vulnerable. Now i'm angry at someone failing to share news. This is different though. If she'd known she'd have had time to deal with it. As it was, she had to deal with the pregnancy of a previously fertile-ly challenged person in very public place.

It underlined again how this stuff never goes away. We'll always be hijacked by the good news of others. Whilst we wish them well, we'll still feel a stabbing in our hearts.

Otherwise, i had a lovely weekend. The sun shone on Sunday and it's still beating down today. Gorgeous! Changes the whole outlook when you're deprived of it so often.

I went to the Dr today. I'm still getting period pain like cramps. They make me nervous. That, and some very low and different round ligament pain today made me decide to get checked out. We heard TP's heartbeat banging away but she rang the Fetal Emergency Unit anyway. I'm glad i'm not really, really panicking, as they cant see me until Thursday morning! I suppose if it was looking more serious they'd see me asap. I've no bleeding - but am on full panty watch. I'm sure it'll be ok, but we're off to Greece in a couple of weeks and i'd rather go knowing TP's not at risk.

Saturday, June 07, 2008


I've been feeling bad about yesterday's post all night. Maybe there are some feelings you just shouldn't blog about. It feels sort of bad karma to even think something bad about someone who's also been through IVF hell. It made me feel rotten even thinking that way.

I've been having bad dreams for a while now. They're about loss. Oddly, not baby loss but losing Mr G. In my nightmares, he either leaves me or (g-d forbid) dies. I feel so wretched when I wake up as it feels so real. Last night i lost 4 people close to me. a very close friend, my father (who I did lose nearly 5 years ago but who i still dream about regularly) and another person that I can't remember. In the dream i was out somewhere and saw something i really wanted to share with Mr G and had that huge sinking misery of knowing i never could.

When i woke at 5.30am I had to touch him to make sure he really was there. He woke to and i had a sobbing meltdown - you know how weird you get in the early hours - over feeling a bit lacking in the friend front at the moment.

It seems all that i hold dear has taken me a very long time to get to. It took me many years (and some bad, bad relationships) before I met my gorgeous and wonderful Mr G and i have no idea what i'd do without him. It has taken us two years and lots of heartache to get where we are now with TP. I'm still so scared that it won't last. I have a lurking worry that the happiness i feel will be snatched away from me. I think the dreams are a part of that.

I'm sorry for a negative post when i've really got it all. I"m well aware of how lucky i am. Must be a touch of hormones...

I'm off to make some peanut butter and choc cookies to take to a friend this afternoon. New recipe but anything with chocolate an peanut butter's gotta be good...!

Friday, June 06, 2008

Should we share the bad news? + SATC plot spoiler

I bought a new little remote keyboard when i replaced my laptop and i love it!! It's a pleasure to type. As my new laptop is almost identical looking to the old one life isn't much changed. Mr G and I are both a bit nervy, and I don't leave the flat without hiding my laptop away. It takes time but whilst Mr Tickle's on the lose....

I've been a bit panicky this week. One of my MindBody girls texted yesterday to say she's in hospital with a threatened miscarriage. She's 20 weeks and carrying twins. I immediately got in touch. Turns out that she'd had a pain in her abdomen - which she now knows was some sort of urinary infection. She then had period like pain which it turns out were contractions. Her midwife told her to get to hospital. When she got to there she was 2cm dilated. They got her on an antibiotic drip and gave her meds to stop the labour. She was not sure if she was going to keep the babies - who were still very much alive and kicking inside of her. As i've been having a strong stabbing, stitch like pain and some period pains, it got me really worried and i've had a nervy 24 hours.

I spoke to her husband this morning and things are looking much better. She and the babies could well be ok. I'm so relieved for her.

I'm not sure if i'm evil, but she's someone who's rarely in touch and who is really insensitive to others who've not reached the stage she has. Whenever she gets in touch i worry that i'm not doing a well as her and she MOANS about her pregnancy symptoms in a disingenuous way. I'm not sure how to explain it but it's sort of like showing off whilst pretending to be moaning... Whilst i'm really concerned for her and at then end of the phone for her and praying for a happy ending, i feel a little upset with her for sending panic around the group. Three of us are also pregnant and one lost her first pregnancy at 18 weeks and is 18 weeks with another pregnancy now.

I hope i don't sound mean. Should we be sensitive about telling scare stories? Maybe i've just got it wrong and we should be there for each other whatever? It could just be my issue...Anyway, it's looking like a happy ending for her, which is the main thing.

My cramps come and go. I'm just not sure if period pain type cramps are part of the deal or if i should be concerned. Also, the stitch - in the appendix area - was sharp enough to really take my breath away. I had a rub of my tum to try and shift TP if they were the cause and changed how I was lying and it eased off, so i'm less worried about that pain. I've had it a few times this week. TP's been a bit quiet too - if i'd been feeling him/her that is. If the cramps return i'll go to the hospital emergency room - which is the only place you can go here if you're pre 20 weeks and have any pregnancy issues. You can also see your Doctor but getting an appt might take a week or so! Great medical system we have!

Sorry for the vent. I'm doing ok really.

Saw SATC on Monday. Loved it. Look away now if you plan on seeing it but I agree with a nacomleavmo blogger i read this week. It was a real let down that having adopted, Charlotte had a happy ending natural pregnancy. Why wasn't adoption enough and why could she not have gone down the IVF route? Disappointing that the whole "adopt and you'll fall pregnant instantly" myth was perpetrated once again. I'm still getting the whole - "you'll probably get pregnant naturally now you're pregnant" stuff. I WON'T !!!! It's not physically possible so leave me alone!!

Also had a long Brothers and Sisters session with a friend. 2 episodes over dinner. Pure pleasure! Rob Lowe is just too gorgeous! I've loved him since the 80's when i watched About Last Night about a hundred times! Who's your crush?

Monday, June 02, 2008


It's been an eventful day already and it's only 3.30 in the afternoon.

At 6am, i was vaguely aware of noise in our flat and a window opening or closing. I assumed Mr G had got up ahead of me - as he does - and was moving around the flat. He hadn't. He was lying next to me. I must have fallen asleep as the next thing i knew, he was getting out of bed and pulling on some clothes. I drifted off again. Next thing, i heard him calling 999 - our emergency services - to report a burglary.

I was now awake.

I pulled on my pj bottoms. Previously a naked sleeper, I now sleep in a secret support vest top to try to prevent my new 36D's from sagging. I got up and Mr G - just finished calling the police - told me we'd had an intruder. All that the b**st**d had taken was my laptop, mouse and power cable! Mr G had caught sight of the thief running up the garden and over the fence with next door with my laptop under his sneaky, thieving, b**st**d arm.

The most amazing part was that he hadn't actually been inside. We have security gates on each window which we keep locked closed most of the time. Feels like a prison but makes me feel safe. Not so safe any more. The Evil Criminal (EC for short) had pulled up the sash window - not locked - and using two lengths of pipe, managed to lift my Apple Mac Power Book off its stand on my desk. The desk is at least 3 or 4 feet from the window. He'd got it over to him and pulled it through the bars. And, get this, he'd even closed the window!!! He'd even managed to unplug the power cable from its socket and take that.

I actually think we were burgled by this man because i sure as anything couldn't have done that. He also did it in about 10 minutes flat.

With a talent like that, he'd make more money in a circus!

Anyway, the police were with us in 5 minutes, took notes and told us the Scene of Crime people would be along later. They left and we sat - a bit shell shocked - waiting until i could ring our insurer, banks and whoever else.

As the flipping thing had been left on overnight, i'm now worried that EC/Mr Tickle may pretend to be me. You have been warned to watch out for random posts!

I actually feel very lucky because -

1. my gorgeous husband had backed up the entire contents of my computer last night - which was why it was still on.
2. I was allowed by my insurer to go out and immediately buy a new MacBook Pro - which is what i'm typing on
3. All my data is now on the new laptop;
4. we weren't hurt;
5. Mr Tickle didn't steal a silver photo frame on the window ledge that my late father had given me; and
6. Mr Tickle wasn't here earlier, when i went to the bathroom - in only my vest - which is what tends to happen these days as i can't get through the night without answering nature's call.

I'm now really enjoying nacomleavmo and have loved the comments. If you're visiting today - have you been burgled or had anything you love stolen from you?