Thursday, December 27, 2007

Lazy blogger

I've been too lazy to blog the last few days. Whilst I've been lurking about and making the odd comment, but not really in the mood to SHARE.

I'm starting to feel a bit immersed in IF. Too many appointments with Dr Google and too many hours spent trawling blogs and chat rooms for hopeful stories of success. Unhealthy.

Entirely without logic, i feel cheated of my chance for a BFP this month. I KNOW that it was extremely unlikely that i'd have got to that stage, but my false start cycle makes me feel somehow like the shi++y clinic deprived me of my chance. There have been so many BFP's in my universe, I feel it should've been my turn. I know that sounds mad, but this whole thing is kind of crazy.

Also mad is that i've been harbouring a strange (and even more illogical) hope that I might have pulled off the (might as well be) immaculate conception. Well, not so much immaculate as impossible. The thing is, i've got the sorest, swollen bosoms since my last 2WW. I don't normally get these symptoms outisde of an I.VF cycle, so my mind's started to wander... What if I pushed out more than one egg after my week on high dose Men.opur AND what if my tight os (cervix to you) was stretched to super highway status allowing maybe, just maybe one of Mr G's twitchers to shimmy on up, but then there'd have to be another "what if". What if one of Mr G's twitchers actually had a proper fully fledged tail...?

As you can see and as I type this I know it's an entirely misplaced hope, but the cruelty of IF does give you these false hopes. I almost didn't share as I know this is too far fetched to be worthy of the time spent (a) writing and (b) reading it.

Anyway, as i now have period pains and monstrous PMT, i'm sure this little fantasy will be over before we're out of 2007. Then we can plan cycle 4.5, or at least get the prep out of the way.

Enough of my crazy fantasies. We had a lovely Christmas. Mr G and I visited my Auntie and Uncle. They have a 4 yr old who's v sweet and we had a lovely relaxed day with them all. Ate (so much I was in pain for several hours afterwards) and then lounged around in their newly dug out basement with 8 foot cinema screen and HD TV. We hung out with them from 1pm until 10pm. On Boxing Day (a quaintly English day, I know) we took a v long walk to the cinema where we watched The Kite Runner, which was fantastic. It's set in Afghanistan and is a beautiful story. I got highly emotional though and at one point was so tearful thought i'd have to leave! (Won't share why or will ruin plot line)

Yesterday i met up with 2 girls from my MindBody group. They're both in their early 30's. One has decided to adopt and the other will do one more IV.F (she got OHSS on her first) before moving to adoption. They were talking about how you're in a better position to adopt in your early 30's, sending me into a panic about how perhaps we should be doing that sooner rather than later! I cooked supper for another Uncle and his wife last night. Homemade butternut squash soup (great recipe - you don't even peel the squash!), roasted whole sea bass with braised red cabbage and sauteed new potatoes and then griddled chestnut panettone with plums poachedin spiced red wine and creme fraiche.

Today, Mr G and I are off to the Cotswolds - 2 hrs NW of London and full of picture book perfect quaint villages. The weather is forecast to rain and perhaps snow!! Still, we're just going to cosy up, read and relax for 3 days. Back on NYE.

That's all my news. I'll catch up on all of yours when I get back on 31st Dec. I've a lot riding on 2008 - it's the year of action! xx

Friday, December 21, 2007

Thank heaven for blogger girls

What would I do without the support of the blogger girls?

I've had some really good advice from so many of you. Thank you so much. In particular, thanks Thalia for your experienced feedback. It does seem possible to combine new job and new clinic.

All I've got to do now is actually GET the job! They've sent me the HUGEST task to do for the next interview. I have to write so several features worth of recipes and then go in and cook three of them for them to try!! It seems a little cheeky for such a junior role (which it is) but they'll definitely know if I can write and cook! It'll give me a very good idea of the job too. Best thing about it is that I truly love leafing through food mags and cookery books and planning recipes, so it doesn't feel remotely like work. I'm planning to spend most of today doing it. I'm working tonight - teaching at a new cookery school, which should be interesting.

I've had a weird week. V up and down. Cried on the phone to my Mummy in Australia. I was doing really well being upbeat and calm about events of the last couple of weeks but something just triggered the tears and out they came...and I thought i'd been doing so well. That opened a Pandora's box of emotion and I've continued to blub on and off at inappropriate moments. I suppose it's to be expected.

I'm also having a bit of a hard time with the various BFP's which seem to be plentiful at the moment. Don't get me wrong, i'm pleased for all the lucky ladies and am encouraged by them, but I feel so left behind. It's been MONTHS since my last proper cycle and i'm not a woman with months left in her reproductively!!! Part of me wants to go running back to Dr Big Hair and beg him to let me cycle AT ONCE! I suppose it's better to give my ovaries a month to calm down after they had a week of heavy duty stimming....but I just want to feel that i'm DOING SOMETHING!!!

Mr G and I have also had a few fights. He's stressed with work and (probably) with our failed cycle. The way things have worked out - with his work and our next (hoped for) cycle we're not going to get a holiday and we really could do with one. We're being brave, but neither of us are that happy about being all alone in London this festive period with his folks and mine off visiting our siblings in foreign parts. It's just too bad and we're old enough to know better, but it's another downer.

Enough whinging! I'm sorry for (what's turned into) a mammoth vent.

I have had some good bits this week. I met up with the very lovely and impressive Almamay (of Almamay dot blogspot dot com - apologies for my rubbish inability to include a link) this week. We had supper at a very nice restaurant in Kin.gs X and then went to a grobby (ie: full of old men with no teeth watchng soccer on a big screen) pub for more talking. We could've talked for days. If it was a date i'd have definitely thought i was well in! I'm sure we'll meet again - perhaps she could teach me how to post links etc!!

Right - time to plan some recipes! Well done to the BFP's and a BIG hug to those less fortunate. Go give Becks (One Miracles Needed) a lot of love after her 3rd BFN. Good luck to those still waiting. xx

Monday, December 17, 2007

Food for thought

Well, what a week its been. My head's whirling with it all.

I've managed to stay relatively "up" after last week's disappointment. I keep waiting for the come down I seem to be ok DESPITE the unrelenting frenzy surrounding us as people spend, spend spend like they'll never be able to buy anything ever again. I'm not sure i've ever been so bemused by the festive rush.

We had our appt today with the clinic that scared us off last time. The Dr we saw was ready and waiting for us and totally charming. He'd clearly read our file inside out and had loads to say about what he saw. He took us at great length through all that they'd do to (a) maximise our chances of producing decent embryos and (b) to then improve the possibility of the embryo(s) implanting. It all got fairly complicated but we just about followed.

My immune tests are pretty normal but with a few slightly elevated responses. On their own the responses would be nothing to concern, but collectively, they may need to treat me for them. The treatment would involved ster.oids, Hep.arin and the infamous IV.Ig. He didn't dwell on that as it's a long way off.

He also thought the cancelled cycle had something to do with the cyst and perhaps the different drug regime. He wants me to take a month to recover from the last cycle and then we can start again next month. The last fiasco has made me suspicious. They told me they didn't want us to waste our money and now this clinic want to treat us, i harbour suspicions that they're just after our money! Never satisfied, but I suppose my reaction's only natural. Who do you trust?!!

I'll have a Hyst.eroscopy mid-cycle next month and, if my horm.one tests (FSH, LH, Oestradiol and Prolactin) check out ok, we'll start IV.F 4.5 from the end of Jan. If my horm.ones have shot up then we'll have to wait until they come down. Soooooooo, we are, once again, at the mercy of my body and another bunch of men and women in scrubs. We'd like to fit in a holiday at some point, but that's looking less and less likely until we get this cycle done.

Oh, one last news item. I applied for a really exciting job a couple of weeks ago as a cookery writer on one of the greatest food mags. Didn't really give it much thought. Someone had sent me the job ad, so i emailed off my CV. A week later I got called to interview and today they called me back with 2 others for a final interview! It's a job i'd have cut my leg off for not so long ago. Now i'm in turmoil over it. What if I get it?! How can take a job when I know i'm about to do IV.F? Mr G told me to shut up worrying as I don't actually have the job yet. I suppose he's right, but what if?!!

This is all so unfair - if I do get offered the job i'd effectively have to choose between that or IVF. I can't have both. If I was trying naturally, no one would even need to know about it. I wouldn't have to keep running off for blood tests and scans. I wouldn't have to worry that the stress of a new job might ruin my chances of success. Anyway, I don't actually have the job yet. I'll do the worrying if they offer it to me. it just doesn't seem fair. Men don't have these issues.

Time to go to bed.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

What would I do without you girls?

I'm just rushing out to work, but I couldn't go without a quick update.

Thank you girls so much for all your support. Yesterday I cried when I read all your kind words. Today, I'm stronger. I feel so lucky to be part of such a huge network - a virtual group hug.!

Since Monday's horrors Mr G and I have talked - a lot. We're just not ready to give up. We spoke to our lovely ex-Doc - (Dr Big Hair) and he thinks the new clinic f'd up. The cyst could have been messing with my hormones AND the letro.zole can suppress. He still thinks we've a few goes in us.

I'm not going to get my hopes up - I KNOW our chances are slim, but i've got to give it a couple more shots. We're going to get another view from the top results/bad service clinic on Monday and then we'll decide what next. If that clinic feel it's game over, we'll think long and hard about stuff.

Mr G's v anti egg don.ation but may come around. I'm not sure what I think.

One observation that has come out of the talking i've been doing over the last few days:

Everyone (who's not in the IF club) says how brave I am for going through all of this. I've always said i'm not brave. I'm not. It's just something i've got to do! How can I not? The brave bit is having the courage to give all of this up and move on to DE or adoption. That's brave. I'm just not strong enough to do that yet. I hope that if (and when) the time comes i'll find the courage from somewhere.

Thank you all again. I really, really appreciate all of you so very much

If you get a chance, go give some support to Becks (at One Miracle Needed - i'd do a link but i'm a techno-twit) she's having a wobbly 2WW

xx

Monday, December 10, 2007

Worst news possible

You got it...it's game over...

The scan showed a lining of 2mm - whoo hoo. A few follicles, but not much to write home about. They said they'd wait for the E2 levels before deciding whether to bin me. I went to work tonight not knowing whether or not I was going to continue. I'd asked them to ring Mr G as I had no reception at the place I was serving canapes.

WHen I got home from work tonight, Mr G greeted me with a huge hug. The E2 was 178. It was over a thousand this time last cycle. I'm still bleeding, and actually - even if they were willing to keep going - i'd rather quit now than keep stabbing myself with needles and go through the rest of the cycle for more bad news in 3 weeks time.

What's really, really bad is that the Doc there said he thinks we shouldn't try again. Not ever. Not with my eggs at least. We're not ready to give up. We so aren't! I've cried most of today - my heart aches and that lump's back in my throat.

Chanukah, Christmas and New Year can all take a leap. All my festive spirit's gone AWOL. What did we do to be in this hellish place? Why? Why us? Why can't we just have a break for once? I just want to curl up in a ball, go to sleep and stay like that until the pain goes away.

I'm officially starting my close of year pity party. Roll on 2008 - 2007's been a truly rubbish year. There's only so much me and Mr G can take.

Thank you all of you who've been there for me with kind words and support and good luck all my Cyclesistas - may you all be blessed with good news - and I mean that.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

How many MORE problems this cycle throw up?

I'm sitting with a hot water bottle on my tum and Strict.ly Come Danc.ing on the television and i'm STRESSED!!!

It's hardly begun and this cycle just keeps on throwing crap at me. Normally, things are relatively peaceful at this stage. A few jabs and headaches, but no real issues until we hit the the tears and tantrums whilst I wait for a few tiny follicles to pop out. I'm generally fairly (give or take a few scary moments) cool that we'll run the whole way to transfer - at least I am at this stage!

This time, it's been one thing after another. First the "just in by the skin of my teeth" timing of the last two periods, then the appearance of that cyst and the fun and games of the aspiration and antibiotic "clear out". Once I started stimming I thought that'd be it until the fun and games of scan time, but guess what? I'm BLEEDING!!! I've been googling for England and I can't find any mention of why this might happen. All i know is that if much more comes out (sorry to be so graphic) i'll have a lining as thick as a wafer - and I don't mean a Kit Kat.

Mr G has said just take it as it comes - he's right, and i'm trying to be cool. If it doesn't happen now then there's next month or the month after etc, but I really hope i haven't injected 6 day's of Meno.pur (and 100's of £'s) into my tummy for nothing.

I've had 2 BFP's in my immediate circle this week - one girl from the MindBody group I mentored. It was her third try and it was at the controversial clinic I couldn't stick with. The other is a girl I met through writing the column I wrote about IV.F in a newspaper. She got in touch and we're now friends. It was her 7th treatment. She'd had 6 fresh cycle andn one FET. A few cycles ago i'm not sure how happy i could have been for her, but you know what? I'm actually really pleased. If she can do it then that gives me hope. She's v worried as she had an ectopic in an earlier cycle, but it's a reasonable beta. I'd just love to join her.

I'm trying to be positive, and I'm not doing badly, I just think it could take us a few more goes at this.

Well done all my Cyclesistas - can't believe how many of my girlies are cycling with me this month! x

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Am I just a big baby?

I'm very tearful at the moment. My Mum's off to Australia tomorrow to see my bro. She and my StepDad will be gone for TWO MONTHS!!! Made supper for them last night and will not see them again until FEBRUARY!!!

I'm all hormoned up on Meno.pur (day 5 today) and I can't bear the thought of getting through this cycle without my Mum for tearful early morning phone calls and general shoring me up after a sh*tty scan. My MIL's also off for 2 weeks on 20 December! Me and Mr G will be all alone for Xmas.

I still have Mr G for hugs and general husbandly sweetness, but sometimes this girl just needs her mummy. Does that make me a baby? Should a 39 yr old wannabee mum be grown up enough not to need her mum? Maybe i should be adult enough to stand on my own two size 39's. (Oooh, just realised that my age now matches my shoe size. When people tell me to act my age not my shoe size I can tell them I'm acting both)

Actually, it does let me off the pressure of having to report in when i'm Princess Irritable and my mum wants an update AND stops me feeling that i'm letting her down too. I'll just miss knowing she's at the end of the phone.

Cycle news - had a ridiculously early scan (4 days in) and they found.....surprise surprise, very little. Oestradiol is in the basement. I'm still bleeding - bit worried about that - might be the cyst wound healing. Went for emergency acupuncture today with electrode stimulation to the needles and am hoping for some action for Monday's scan.

Am drinking gallons of water and trying to eat lots of protein. I can do no more.

Must go - all this water...need to dash xx

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Ow, ow, OWWW!

Firstly, thank you so much all of you for your birthday greetings. Funnily enough, i've not had too much of a problem with 39. I think it's because so many of my mates have been turning 40, i feel relatively young. This time next year might not be quite the smooth ride...

It's been a busy old day. Mr G and I went into the clinic expecting quite a long day - a scan and the seaweed fest - but it became a marathon. We traipsed into the "check-you-out scan" (before which you shall not pass go) where a medical student stood staring whilst I succumbed to the coozie-cam. Funny how each Dr has a different method for getting you into position. This one (a tiny more than middle aged lady) who was perfectly nice, had me lie with my feet on the table next to my bo.ttom. I'd waited a long time for my turn (for a change) and so was a bit full in the bladder. She said she'd try to scan anyway as i'd need a full bladder for the dilation.

I normally breeze through this scan but today (of course) a cyst loomed big a black on the screen sitting on my right ovary. As she wanted a good look at the left, I had to get off the table, go empty my bladder and return for more camera action. The left one was clear, but we now had an issue. We could not start stims with the cyst in situ and I HAD to start stims today. Little old lady doc went off to ask her colleagues for their advice. Flippin' typical. Anway, I was muttering to Mr G it was "game over" for this month when she returned and said she couldn't find anyone to ask and we'd need to go back to reception and did we have time to wait? Too darned right we had time. I'd wait all day if it meant getting on with this cycle.

We sat down, waited an age, chased the receptionist - who'd forgotten we were there - and then finally saw another Doc. This time the pretty young lady doc, who was lovely. Said i'd need to have the cyst aspirated which she could do there and then (in theatre) and also do the dilation. Good news....I thought....

I disrobed, again, and put on a hospital gown before going into theatre. Pretty young lady doc (PYL) was helped by two lovely nurses who chatted away and held my hand as I had the most painful procedure i've had so far. They pump in some local anaesthetic before sticking a needle on the coozie cam and sucking out the cyst. I think it's effectively egg collection. She had to go in several times. First the needle wasn't right, then the darned thing wouldn't suck, then the pipe was clogged. Each time was REALLY uncomfortable and I was breathing deeply for England to try and deal with it and not move.

In contrast, the seaweed (Di.lapan) insertion was a breeze, although the two bullets (pain relief and antib.iotic) the nurse then shoved up my a. ss were fairly unwelcome.

I was taken back to a hospital bed and lay in a state of mild shock, feeling all a bit dishevelled really. I had some cramping from the seaweed but it faded after about an hour - maybe less. I was actually quite glad i'd had the cyst done because it meant I had a bed for the four hours I then had to wait for the seaweed to do its stuff. Mr G went out to a fab foodie place for goats cheese and chutney sandwich on gorgeous seeded bread. (My appetite was fortunately unaffected!)

When the seaweed came out - PYL had to pull it out by a string - it was like an amber coloured stick of jelly. It was in a weird L shape - probably because i'm a weird L shape.

Now i'm home and ready to start injecting this very night. We are a go. All a bit sudden but definitely not too soon!

Monday, December 03, 2007

Best birthday present

I've been a bit tied up so unable to post.

On Friday, Mr G's sister, her 5 yr old daughter and her 20 month old son arrived from Israel to stay with us. It was FULL ON. So full on in fact that Mr G joked we should stop the treatment! Not a minute to ourselves whilst the two (gorgeous) children demanded full time attention. In between clearing up, getting food ready, entertaining them and getting them to Mr G's Dad's surprise 70th birthday party, we had little time to do very much at all. Does make you think how much life changes when children come along...

Cycle news - I stopped the Prim.olut on Friday and have been waiting anxiously since then for the pe.riod. The clinic had set a deadline of 4th Dec to get started. I was so anxious, i haven't slept v well - also perhaps due to having a 5 yr old in our bed one of the nights - and have constantly stressed about it. On Friday one of the nurses had told me that I had to start my stims by Tuesday 4th (ie: day 3 of my cycle) when I'd thought I only had to be on day one. When the period hadn't shown up by Sunday night, i thought we were game over for this month. (And for next month as my next period would be over the Xm.as break) Anyway, when I got up this morning I held my breath as i did the TP tango and there it was...finally. I rang the clinic, who failed to call me back the first time, to see if I could start a day late. I can. So tomorrow, i'm off for a scan to check all's well inside and for the Dial.apan - the sea.weed dilation device...

On the birthday front, i've had a wonderful 39th. Mr G arranged a surprise birthday tea for me, my parents and some of my friends at a London hotel. It was wonderful and I was totally surprised by it. He's SUCH a wonderful husband. We spent the night in the hotel and went to a smart L.ondon restaurant for breakfast, which other than my stressing over the "will I/won't I get my cycle this month stuff" was also wonderful. We spent all of today strolling round the Chris.tmassy Lond.ond streets, chatting, eating and generally enjoying being together. I love my husband so much - he's made what could have been a miserable infertile birthday into something really special.

Right - he's now nagging me to relax, so i'm off to watch a D.VD with my gorgeous boy.

A longer post and detail on the seaweed tomorrow xx

Friday, November 30, 2007

Mincemeat & Seaweed

This post has been sitting in my "Post" box for a week or so. Meant to post but didn't get time.

It's a quick one to explain "Mincepies" as it became clear it's v much an English delicacy.

The mincemeat is not (as you'd think) actual meat, but a mixture of dried fruit, chopped candied peel, brandy (or other liquor) perhaps some finely chopped nuts and apples. Sometimes suet is added.

The mincemeat is used to fill individual shortcrust pastry cases. You can use filo if you like too. Being a dried fruit lover, I ADORE mincemeat and mincepies. Here's a couple of pics


Yum, yum, yum. yum, yum, yum.

Next, the seaweed i've been referring to. I may have assumed you to know all about my fun and games with the fruit of the sea and i'm not sure if i've explained properly what i'm talking about...

I've had trouble with all of my transfers. The route into my cervix is a narrow windy maze and i'm often being told (by Dr's from between my legs) how tight my Os is. (Os not Ass unfortunately). So, new clinic does what old Doc wouldn't - a dilation early in the cycle. A thin hard stick ("Di.lapan") made of seaweed is wedged into the cervix and left to expand (tamp.on) like for 4 hours, leaving my tight os dilated to 6mm. A marvel of modern science harnessing nature. I've even found a pic of before and after Sorry it's so tiny. the black stick is how it goes in and the jelly like yellow tube is how it comes out. My weird and windy cervix had bent the jelly into an "L" when it emerged.

Feeling a big frail today. My tummy doesn't like the antibi.iotics at all, which have effectively given me an internal colonic in the last 24hrs. Still, it was full of over indulgent birthday food, so perhaps a good thing. TMI i'm sorry.

Time to do some work. xx

Monday, November 26, 2007

The post in which I do quite a lot of moaning.

So.

I've been popping the Prim.olut for a week. It's basically progesterone and I really don't like it. I'm spotty - which I offends my great vanity - a bit prone to tears and quite a lot down.

I'm also hating the fact that this fortnight of Prog.esterone fuelled fun might all be for nothing. If I don't get my period before 4th Dec, then it's game over for 2007 and i'll have to start all over again in Jan. That's p-ing me off, esp since we're trying to plan a getaway for 2 weeks in Jan. If we have to cycle in Jan, we won't be able to go away then AND it'll be too late (and too expensive) for a Dec break.

Add to all of this the fact that i'll be 39 on 3rd Dec for which i'll be both spotty and grumpy! Can you tell i'm on Prog.esterone by any chance?!

I suppose i'd better just get on with it and stop moaning.

On the "life" front all's been pretty quiet. Spent Friday and Sunday helping cook for my Synag.ogue's bazaar. We're new members of the congregation and it was nice to meet lots of others. I got asked several times by the other ladies in the kitchen if I have children. Children! Not even just child - they assume you might have more than one! I wish. Sometimes i'd just say no and other times i'd "come out" as an IV.F'er. Actually easier to 'fess up as you've then got another topic of conversation.

Also, discovered that one of my fellow teachers at the school I teach at is about to start her first IV.F. She's a geriatric newly wed (well, 39 yrs young) and has found out her hubbie (who has 3 children) is no longer able to make babies. I didn't pry too much, but it gave us an instant bond and we're going to try to teach the same class together next term.

Oh - am LOVING Stric.tly Co.me Danc.ing. It's a high point of my week. M.att and F.lavia's dance was superb this week. It made me smile and smile to watch it!

Time for bed. I'm keen to start my new book. I've just finished The Hand Maid's Tale - which I think I enjoyed and which definitely gave me food for thought. I've had a day off from bedtime reading (during which Mr G actually got a look in) and i'm ready to start The Island - can't remember the author - about a leper colony. Sounds like an odd read, but it comes highly recommended by many friends. Need to get under my nice warm duvet and crack it open. Night night xx

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Eating for success

Well, we're 2 days into the pre-cycle bit. I've had 4 doses of the Prim.ulot and all seems well.

Only thing is that having really worked hard to shed some (and I stress some and not all) my IVF weight, I now seem on a mission to eat everything that I can. Hunger is irrelevant on my mission and will power has fled screaming. I need to get a grip or I could manage a stone this cycle and that's really not on.

The eatathon kicked off with all my baking for the market stall - more on that later - during which I rather overdid the tasting. I think i've hooked myself on sugar. I need to go cold turkey with it really, but can't seem to steel myself to do it. Today, I had a good girl breakfast of porridge with some raisins but soon went down hill tasting home made mincemeat for mince pies (do you eat those in the US?) with my market stall partner. I had lunch with a friend at a Farmer's Mkt. Delicious creamed mushrooms on a thick slab of white toast and a few tastes of roasted vine tomatoes with rocket and parmesan on toast. Lush. We then went home for some of her home baked cup cakes and 2 cakes we'd bought at the market. Tonight i'm off to meet another friend for MORE food! Gotta getta grip!

The market stall was fun if freezing! We did ok but won't be retiring just yet. Having vowed we won't do it again, I think we'll go back a couple of times before Chris.tmas to sell off the rest of our stock of jars and biscotti. I might even get festive with some Christmassy mince pies too. I must just try not to eat them all whilst manning the stall.

Got to run now - have to fit some work into my busy eating schedule...it's a tough job and all that xx

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Beginnings

A quick (end of the evening) post to say that the drugs are ordered. They'll arrive on Friday (I hope) and on Monday, i start the 14 days on Primo.lut. In just 2 and a half weeks or so i'll be back in treatment.

It feels good to be doing something again, but you know, deep down, i can't really believe there's an end in sight. I'm not saying it in a depressed, sorry for myself way, but after 3 failed attempts and the feedback we've been getting, I really can't connect a baby to all of this mucking about with needles, drugs and doctors. It's weird. I've sort of disconnected treatment from babies. It's easy to forget that's what it's all about.

I feel ambivalent about it. On the one hand, hopeful - new drugs, different protocol and more info on why I might not have succeeded in the past - the immune results have pointed that this might have been an issue. On the other hand, who am I kidding? My old eggs and Mr G's twitchy sperm are really not great bets. The likelihood is that we don't have to look further than that for a reason why we're still two and not two and a half or even three. I've got to stay real.

Anyway, on Friday, my bathroom shelf will be packed with medical boxes and my fridge will offer not just gourmet delights but a fair few chemical ones too. All systems are go.

I'm off to bed to rest up for tomorrow's fun and games. I'm selling my cakes, brownies, biscotti, chutneys and fruit butters at a stall in central London. Should be cold but good fun. Tomorrow night i'm off to teach beginners to make tasty treats. All good fun.

xx

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Hurray!


They're out in force to celebrate day one of my cycle. Even though i'll be doing a flare protocol again, this month at least, I can start the lead up to IC.SI No 4.

So now we have a plan: from day 14 to day 25 of this cycle i take Prim.ulot - not entirely sure what this does other than attempt to improve my egg tally.

I'll start Le.trozole on day 2 of next cyle and get busy with the Menop.ur on day 3. I get to shove a third needle in my stomach on about day 6 when we're joined by Ce.trotide.

If (no, when - of course we'll get there) we get to ET I get to take Eno.xaparin (for blood thinning), Pred.nisolone (the steriod to counter my antibodies) and (my personal favourite) Cycloge.st - mainly to force me to shove my finger up my a** twice a day and generally make me feel just as grim as possible during the IV.F process, oh, and keep my Prog.esterone levels up too.

Of course there are various other pills, potions and jabs along the way too unexciting to mention AND the added pressure that my next period must arrive before 4th Dec (day after my 39th birthday). If not they won't let me stim as they close their theatre over the holidays. This new clinic just love to pile on the stress!

Still poorly with my bug and now having to cancel work this week - a flippin' nuisance. I dispatched Mr G to our local J.ewish deli to pick up Chicken Soup as it was all I could face. Not sure it's worked yet, so i'll need more tonight.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Flipping body mucking me about - apologies long post

I'm sitting on the sofa in my gorgeous White Co.mpany pj's. They're all white, with a v long knee length top with lace on the cuffs and a round neck and loose trousers with lace on the ankles. I was feeling v glam until Mr G said that with my white robe over them I look (a) like someone from an asylum or (b) about to do judo. That took me down a peg or two.

I don't often sit around in my pj's but was struck down yesterday by some sort of stomach bug. I felt massively sick, achey and had terrible stomach cramps. It got worse last night. I got up in the night and was so dizzy that I felt it safer to drop to the floor. At least the room stopped spinning. I was ready just to curl up and die there when Mr G called out to ask where I was.

"On the floor" i told him. (Obviously) He leapt up to carry me back to bed. He then headed off to the bathroom. I got up again as I felt SO nauseous and then wasn't sure how i'd get back to bed. I stumbled back to bed, must have passed out and then came to feeling just as sick and crampy. I was actually scared and made Mr G leave a light on outside our room as that made me feel safer.

You can tell i don't get sick often as i'm really not v good at it! I've spent today in between bed and sofa. It feels like post transfer time - the only other time I lay around like this. I'm still feeling pretty sick but not so achey. Hope i'm back to normal tomorrow.

I was meant to meet my folks with Mr G for an early supper before they went to see a play at a really good local theatre that's on my doorstep. We've had to cancel that, which is a shame.

On the IF front. We decided we'd go ahead next month. I'm not sure I want Mr G injecting Me.nopur and i definitely don't want to wait. But, wouldn't you know it, my p.eriod has failed to deign me with its presence. It arrived on day 25 last month and rarely goes beyond day 28 (and then only really after a cycle) and we are, today, on day 29 and not a sign of it. If we'd been anywhere near each other at one of my fertile moments I might now be deluding myself with hope of pregnancy. Not a hope - although that doesn't stop the odd moment of hope that a miracle sperm has grown a tail and jet propelled itself into one of my ageing eggs. How sad and deluded.

Typically, there's a cut off for pre-Chr.istmas cycles. The blasted p.eriod must show up before Wednesday. Aren't bodies (and our minds that probably cause this problem) the most annoying things.

F'ing new clinic has just billed us for more than £1000 and we've had nothing really done yet! I can tell we're not going to stay friends forever.

GOOD NEWS STORIES:
Just had to fill you in on two chats I had with IVF girls with babies. One managed hers on her 6th go and the other, on her 10th. Both had been told they had premature ovarian failure and one had an FSH of 22 (22!) at one point although it was 11 on her successful cycle - when she managed to produce just one egg. Both said don't give up. The one who managed it on her 10th go had success eventually with Dr Sher in NY. She's english and flew there 3 times to his clinic.

I'm sure it can be done if you have enough goes, but you just can't be sure, so who's willing to put themselves through this that many times? The chats were great though at a time I was feeling v bleak. I'm not going to go all rosey tinted glasses about it, but it inspires me to try at least a couple more goes.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Barren Bitches Book Tour

I've just done my first leg of the Barren Bitches Book Tour.

The book we read was Lolly Winston's Happiness Sold Seperately. Pop over to http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/to find out the questions asked about the book and to see who else has answered them.

I loved the book. Well, maybe I didn't love it ALL the time as it was v close to home and brought up all sorts of emotions. I was tearful at times but also laughed along with the lovely, feisty, sharp and bright Elinor. I enjoyed the other characters - handsome, sensitive Ted; sexy Gina (lucky enough to be a mother) and Gina's geeky but endearing son Toby. I think I was so wedded to Elinor that I was less connected with the others. Having said that, some of Ted's reactions and emotions made me sad for Mr G and what he's going through.

Here are my views on some of the book tour questions:

Question 1
In the beginning of Chapter 4, Elinor finds it difficult to look at a newborn and its mother in the seat next to her. She says she isn't so much sad that she can't have a baby of her own but that she can't give her husband a child. Do you find your infertility more painful because of your desire to experience pregnancy and childbirth or because of your desire to see your spouse as a father?

I think my sadness and pain is a mixture of both. I have always imagined (with some naivety I'm sure) how it would be to be pregnant - all swollen belly and maternity clothes. I expected to have that experience and now may never do so. That's starting to hurt and i've started experiencing a sad pain in my chest sometimes when I see a cute baby or catch a whiff of that warm baby smell. I'm also sad about not seeing Mr G as a father to our child. I know how much he wants to be a Daddy and how wonderful he'd be. His family produce such gorgeous brown-eyed babies, i've always been able to imagine them. It hurts that those babies may well stay in my head.

Question 2
Elinor takes up laundry and Ted works on the hutch. What new hobbies did you pick up or abandon during treatments?

Blogging! I'd never considered it before. I'm not sure it's a real hobby, but blogging, internet research and socialising with my Mind Body group and the new group i'm mentoring, takes up enough time to warrant the title hobby. I'm a full time, paid-up infertile! Where Elinor was hiding from life with her laundry, i've immersed myself in one aspect of my life.

I'm not sure i've abandoned much. Perhaps, enjoying wine and going out for unrestrained drinking sessions with Mr G. We're too guilty about drinking too much, so it just doesn't seem worth it. Having said that, we haven't stopped communicating as Ted and Elinor did. We're v much connected still. That part of the book made me realised how careful we have to be and scared me a little too - that I should be careful not to freeze my husband out or he may find comfort elsewhere.

Question 3
At the very close of the book, having discovered her balanced translocation, Elinor likens herself to a screwed up silverware drawer. "Yet there's solace in discovering something is tangibly wrong. A diagnosis rather than you're old" Have you ever felt like this? Do you have a diagnosis for your fertility problems? Was it a relief? If your problem is unidentified, or age is against you, do you wish that you did have a reason?

We started our journey with a v clear reason - severe MF. It should have been easy to fix as I was functioning ok. As time has gone on, we've found another reason - my ageing ovaries and low reserve. The first problem requires IC.SI to fix it and the second makes IC.SI more difficult as the eggs can't cope so well.
In some respects it's good to know why things weren't working out for us, but it's also made it harder for me to get over as it's such a dead end. I know this will sound crazy and will perhaps incense those with unexplained issues, but i'm almost envious of them. I KNOW that we'll never conceive naturally - the door was slammed in our faces and it just ain't happening. At least with an unexplained problem there's the slightest chance of a natural pregnancy. Ted and Elinor conceived naturally and at that point I felt betrayed by the book - I was in it with El but suddenly she was the lucky one.

If you haven't read the book - I recommend it. If you want my copy, I could mail it to you. Just let me know if you'd like it.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

My centenary!


Well, well, well. One hundred posts chronicling my quest to be a good J.ew and go forth and multiply.

One hundred cheery missives on the life of an infertile and just look at how little has changed. If anything, it's got bleaker and bleaker at this end. The further down the line we go, the further away we seem to be from our goal. The more we do, the less good we feel. It's the opposite of everything i've learned in life. I could put all my efforts into this - and have done really - and I still wouldn't be able to change the outcome. Hard work just makes no difference. It's not an exam or a diet or an exercise regime.

As you might have guessed I'm less then cheery. I haven't been able to bear to follow up the last happy post with life as it really is. I've just had a huge meltdown and the wonderful Mr G has walked in with a bar of G.alaxy - best choc there is. He knows the way to my heart!

I think i'll do a bullet point run down of the last couple of weeks - too much for you to read otherwise:

* Most recent L.upus diagnosis from specialist is that I don't have it. Will need steroids for next IVF attempt though.

* Have tested positive for one type of the NK cells, but apparently not one to be too bothered about - CD3's. THey can also indicate immu.ne issues like L.upus.

* New clinic will treat me. Have said my chances are rubbish - but based on the Ov.arian St.ress Test (and I can tell you my ovaries, like the rest of me, are pretty f-ing stressed at this point), my A.MH and an.tral count - the stats are up from 3% to 10-15% - Woo Hoo!! Yay for the stats!!! Cheery lady doc at new clinic said "we will treat you but you must remember that your chances are really low". NOW I feel totally postive!

* For the record, i think i prefer male docs. Cheery lady doc is too pretty and young and I spend my time looking at her thinking I bet she's not going to have any reproductive issues.

* As cheery lady doc was a bit dismissive of us, we arranged to see head honcho doc - who'd been away at a conference when we got our test results. We went in to speak to the nurse about starting meds for this cycle that day. BUT when we saw the head honch, he had more news. Mr G's hormones are up the spout, well, his LH is and they've suggested a 3 mth course of Men.opur for him!!! When i'd stopped smirking at the thought of him injecting 3 times a week for 3 mths, i realised that means we can't try again until J.anuary!!! They think we should throw everything at this cycle and make it our last. I'm worried about both of us being on these drugs and wasting 6 months (as it will be by then) of my reproductive life waiting for treatment...

* All this news has thrown me into a huge, and I mean HUGE, cavernous depression. I've been taking D.HEA for almost 4 mths and will that all be to waste if I don't cycle now? I can't bear to wait another 3 mths AND I don't want this to be my last cycle.
I know the choice is ours, but OMG this is now SO hard. MR G and i are in a total spin. I feel we're on an endless miserable journey to who knows where...
On the real life front, i've been working really hard. A chef friend and I did a market on Saturday. We sold ginger and choc chip biscotti, choc orange biscotti, chutneys, fruit butters and cake and browines. It went ok but not fantastic so we'll have to do it again to off load all of our jars of produce! I'm also looking at buying a cafe with the same chef friend and with my Un.cle, who's a genius businessman. V exciting but also v scary.

Read Lolly Winston's book and really enjoyed it. For those not on the Barren Bitches book tour - who've just read it - the book Happiness Sold Seperately and it's an easy (in parts) but emotional (much of the time) book about a couple's marriage issues after infertility. I laughed and cried. I'm book-less at the moment so if anyone has a recommendation - probably not an IVF related novel this time - that'd be great!The cover of my book looks different to this - maybe the En.glish reprint.
Oh, my brother and his wife had their third, a little boy. I'm pleased for them but (witch that i've become) seem to have run out of the ability to be truly happy for other people's reproductive success. I wish they lived near 'cos i might get to enjoy my gorgeous niece and nephews.

So, time to go and watch S.trictly Com.e Dancing - the sparkling, sexy high point of my week!

Good luck to Andi over at Minimenow - i really hope this works for you sweetheart - and to Almamay at Almamay's Infertilty Journey. Do go and support them in their waits. I'm thinking of you both x

Sunday, October 14, 2007

It's not all misery here

Thought i'd post quickly before bed time. I'm so full of moans i thought i'd share some good stuff for once.

Mr G and I had a truly gorgeous day today. Woke up early-ish - for a Sunday, that is. Got dressed and headed off for a lazy breakfast at a great cafe he'd found. Drank coffee with my food.

Came out and the sun was shining. Put the top down of his convertible car and drove into the centre of L.ondon. Went to see an art exhibition at the N.ational Por.trait Gallery and then ate lunch outdoors at a C.ovent Gar.den restaurant. Had a glass of wine with my meal.

Drove home in the fading sun and chilled out.

It was a day in which there were no gaping child-sized holes. We were happy with each other and with our life. If only it was always like this but at least it can be.

Hope all you girlies out there are having at least some moments that are as content as moments I have had today xx

Saturday, October 13, 2007

More results...still not out of the woods

Just a quick post as I should be in the shower and getting ready to go out with friends for dinner.

Had the rest of the secondary tests back to try to eliminate L.upus. All clear. I said to my Dr how pleased I am it's not Lup.us but she said it still could be! Darn. Those darned Anti Nuclear Antibodies were so high it seems i'm not quite yet clear. My doc's going to ask her specialist what he thinks AND how it'll affect my IV.F.

I've had my tests at the new clinic. Antral follies - 8. Weird, as I had 10 at my last check a few months ago. I guess each sonographer sees it differently. I'm now waiting to hear about my Anti-Mul.lerian Hormone, F.SH and how my Oestra.diol levels were affected by the single dose of Pure.gon I had to inject on day three of my cycle. The Pure.gon injection was done at the clinic. The nurse was going to administer it, but I asked if I could do it myself - it was weird doing it with her there, but weirder, I think, having her inject me in my stomach.

I've had a busy work week. Had lunch with a UK celebrity chef, which was interesting and did a public interview (in front of an paying audience) with a cook book author. Both were fine although I was really nervous about the interview. Worked at a job serving cana.pes for 250 on Thursday. Flat out work - from 8am until 11pm, but it was good fun and a distraction.

Oh - a few infertile moans - i think i need to stop travelling by tube (London Underground trains to you Stateside chicks). They're carrying ads for Pre.Natal vitamins. All the posters have pics of pregant bellies. I seem to sit opposite one every time I get on a train. It p*ss*s me off! Never mind. I also have to go to a friend's birthday dinner. It's a girls' night and all the other girls' are smug yummy mummies. I'm not sure I can face a whole night of child chatter. They all know about me so that might be awkward too. One of them has been too scared to tell me she was having her third child. She never told me. We just stopped talking and now she has had the baby we still don't speak. No falling out, just silence. How awkward is that going to be?! I HATE being infertile.

Time up. Gotta go and shower. xx

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Maybe the big man ain't home...

...because he hasn't paid any attention to my prayer.

This week has been big time UP and DOWN. My return to the scarey clinic was less scarey. All my hormones checked out fine. I even ovulated this month - as always - for what that's worth. I booked myself in for a hysteroscopy - because they said it was essential and I figured i'd be a good girl so they can work their magic. Feeling positive.

That was Monday. On Tuesday (straight after carting 14 types of hummus to a newspaper so they could taste it and I could write them an article about it) Mr G and I went for a consultation at another clinic. We're becoming full blown clinic whores.

The Dr there a tall Italian in scrubs read through our fat file of info and asked a few questions. Then he gave us his view. A three percent chance of IVF doing the trick for us. With my knackered eggs and Mr G's poor tired sperm, the tall Italian, felt we might need to look at other options.... He didn't want to take our money if the odds were so stacked against us.

OK.

He did agree to do some tests (which at a few hundred pounds would be cheaper than the hysteroscopy at the other clinic) to assess what my poor ovaries are capable of and how many eggs might be lurking in there. If the results are ok he'll let us have a go with him. You'll be proud of how well I held it together. Mr G fully expected a hysterical meltdown and kept rubbing my shoulder supportively, but I really was ok. It's hardly a earth shattering news after our last three cycles.

He suggested egg or sperm donation might help us out and explained in more detail than any other doc has so far just WHY my eggs might be struggling. That was unwelcome but helpful.

After we left i had a minor meltdown in the car and when we went out to dinner later - to review a local restaurant - the tears kept on coming. Mr G and I had a huge row about donation - he can't even contemplate going that way and i'm more open to it. I WANT TO GIVE BIRTH TO OUR CHILD DAMMIT!! He'd rather adopt. Suddenly, we could see a big gaping hole ready for our fledgling marriage to fall into. It was and is frightening.

We woke up on Wednesday both feeling flat and gloomy. It was perhaps, the lowest day i've had of this journey.

But that was not all the big man has rewarded me with this week! On Friday, my doctor rang with the results of my immune bloods. Forgot to mention I had them done too.The Killer cell tests and various others. 17 tubes of blood! Anyway, my Anti Nuclear Antibodies (whatever they are) are sky high. High ANA's at the level mine are at are an indicator for...wait for it...Lupus.

Fabulous. So, not only am i unlikely to conceive with my husband't sperm and my eggs but i may have a horrible disease! Excellent. I actually am not too panicked by it. I feel fine. My doc said it's unlikely but they're testing some of the blood they already have and will let me know. She told me not to panic so many times, i started to get more nervous! The only good thing is that perhaps that might have affected the first three IVF's. I may need steroids if I go again.

So, I sit here tonight unsure what to think. We've had a good weekend - we say M.ichael Clayto.n - and two hours of G.eorge C.looney is enough to cheer anyone up. I LOVE that man. We also had the BEST lunch at a Persian restaurant in M.arylebone. Really gorgeous food. I'll deal with the ANA's and whatevers as and when.

Well done all you BFP's! I'm delighted for Leah, Erin and Bea - go girls! xxx

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Are you there G-d it's me, Portia

(apologies to Judy Blume - how great were her books!)

Are you there G-d? It's me, Portia. I think you and I need to have a talk.

I've been patient (some of the time) and accepting (every so often) that you have a grand plan for Mr G and I. Why else would you have brought us together if you didn't have some end game in mind? You want us to go forth and multiply, but you're not making it very easy.

Maybe you just want us to learn to be better people or to really want children before we become parents. Well, i'm really trying. I pick up rubbish, I help people out, I bake cakes for sick people, remember birthdays, try not to bitch and moan and generally try to pay it forward. I eat healthy food, I've almost given up wine and I'm filled with guilt for every coffee I drink and each sugar filled snack I munch on.

Perhaps we're meant to be better Je.ws before you'll hear us? We've prayed in s.hul regularly - if i'm honest, more regularly) than we ever would have done if we hadn't been in this position. So why, just after i'd lit Friday night candles did you reward me with a random phone call from a (not all that close) friend telling me she's just had an (unplanned) baby at 24yrs old. I"m happy for her, but what was that all about?

Or is it you don't think we're ready as a couple to bring any little Mr G's or Portia P's into this world? Well, we've done the counselling and we've more than managed to hold onto our relationship through two years of heartbreaking infertility. We're still in love despite us both having to watch Doctors poking and prodding me and endure my hormones going up and down like a yoyo. Have we not yet proved we're in this for the duration?

It could be that you want to see just how far you can push us? I think you've proved your point. I'm still standing despite watching countless friends and acquaintances have babies. You've given my brother three, THREE, and i'm still smiling to the outside world. Am I meant to be truly happy in my heart about other people's good fortune? I really do try.

But you see, i'm feeling totally and utterly miserable. I rush around keeping busy - looking for new business ideas, doing good deeds for my more fertile friends, smiling and chatting about my treatment like it's all ok. Even I can kid myself on occasions that i'm ok. But if I let the mask slip, if I forget to be happy for just a moment, then I remember how my heart is breaking. Then the tears burn, just behind my eyes, ready to come gushing out. If I let go, i'm not sure i'll be able to stop.

So I'm just wondering, G-d, what your plan is for me and Mr G. In fact, I wonder what you intend for all of us girls who you're trying and testing? Are we the poster girls for "why you shouldn't leave it too long"? Or do you allocate only a certain number of children to the world. Have our children been used up by our more bountiful siblings? Mr G and I have 5 and nearly 6 nieces and nephews. Are they our allowance?

I wish I knew and understood, G-d. I"m really, really trying, but it's getting so hard. I just want a baby to hold and take care of. Someone to call me Mummy and hold my hand and snuggle up to me. I'll do whatever I can, whatever you want from me.

Perhaps I just have to get on with accepting this and forget trying to do anything at all about it. Maybe I need to trust that you will help us in your own good time and in the meantime we just need to relax and get on with our lives. I wish it was that easy.

Portia P

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Ups and downs....featuring some v cute puppies...

Its been an up and downie sort of a week.

Mr G has been v low over our IF state and manfully suffering with a throat infection/cold type of illness. I use manfully as in suffering as men do....if you get my drift. I managed to let his down-ness breeze over me for a while - in between telling him to at least take something so he'd feel better, but early this week I succumbed. Not to the illness (thank goodness) but to a spot of the IF blues.

That wasn't helped by a trip to the new clinic for a mid-cycle scan. They're monitoring a natural cycle at the moment. I was booked in for 9am and arrived bang on time - despite the torrential rain and heavy gales clogging up the traffic. As I checked in, they told me they were running an hour late...I left (after one scan and a quick blood test) two and a quarter hours later! The place was FILLED with patient women - some with their equally patient partners. What was that all about?!

In the scanning room there was nowhere to put the clothes you removed. I hung my jeans over the screen and tried to hide my (pretty pink) underwear in with them all of which felt really humiliating. Zero marks for patient care.

During my appt I rowed with the Dr how did the scan, who insisted that I must have immunology tests (at £780) and a hysteroscopy (at more than £1000). As i've a history of difficult transfers, I wanted to how they'd avoid problems with that. I was told the hysteroscopy would dilate me and sort that out. They'd do one pre-cycle. The last time I was dilated, things shrunk back v quickly and definitely within the month. How will they make sure that's not the case? His answer - they won't. The Dr said your ut.erus moves daily so a mock is useless. By this time, i felt close to tears with frustration, but had nothing more to add. I went meekly for my blood test - which took place in a different building on the next street. Oh, and I forgot to mention that in the middle of all of this I had to go and move my car - which was a 10 minute walk away.

If an exploratory scan is this stressful how would a full cycle be? The experience shot me into a big, fat hole of misery. This clinic is meant to be the answer to my prayers. Hmmmm....

The silver lining in all of this was this months scores on the doors, my day 1 bloodwork. FSH of...........and I think we need a drum roll here....FSH of 9.6! Yeah, yeah, I know it's no great shakes to those lucky girls who are always single digit-ers, but for the first month in ages, i'm back in the magic under 10 club. Hurrah! All the other numbers - Oestradiol, LH and Prolactin are normal too. There's hope for me yet.

Final bullet points -

I fasted religiously for Yom Kippur and went to shul twice! Nothing like IF superstition for focussing a girl on her religion. I hope I repented enough.

Had dinner with the couple who've adopted from Russi.a. Their children - ages 2 and 3 (nrly 3 and 4) are ADORABLE! Still not ready to trot down that road, but they were a real and happy family. They also have a v cute puppy, a "malti-poo" - cross between Ma.ltese Terrier and a P.oodle. Here's a pic I found online of maltipoos

How cute are they?!! I want one but Mr G still won't be swayed....i'm working on it...xx

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Autumn approaching

I've been telling Mr G off for harping on about winter approaching. Ostrich like, i've buried my head in the increasing big piles of leaves and refused to put on my socks. I would not have it that winter was on its way. Not while the sun's stil shining!

This morning I went out for my morning exercise - 30-ish minutes striding round the park - and it was FREEZING!! Not literally, but 9 degrees and definitely not T shirt weather. Damn. Zita West - fertility guru wrote in one of her books that IVF is more successful in spring and summer. Not for me, clearly! Never mind. I'll just have to work even harder to beat the odds as well as the weather.

Anyway, today i'm mostly wearing a dress and...wait for it...TIGHTS AND BOOTS! I've truly given in. Autumn is here. Still, there are some good things about autumn. Big clothes to hide the IVF flab in. Lots of tasty winter stews and soups. Walks in the leaves and the smell of bonfires. Whilst the sun's still shining I can cope.

Off to meet my Mind Body girls tonight for a communal moan. Tomorrow i'm starting as a mentor to the next group. Paying it forward and getting the benefit of doing the course again for free!

Go and give Leah and her (not so Dusty Ovaries) a shout - she's positive HPT stick-alicious!! (Tales from my dusty ovaries is her blog)

xx

Sunday, September 16, 2007

I can't believe its been so long since I last posted. I've been reading your entries and commenting, just keeping quiet.

Life's fairly quiet really. I'm starting to get that "I want to cycle because everyone else is" feeling again. Many of my Mind Body group are cycling as well as some of my other IF friends. No BFP's but lots of hope and action. I've felt a little overwhelmed by all of their follicular updates but hope that we start to get some positive results here in my little section of L.ondon.

My p.eriod showed up on Thursday and i'm into a round of monitoring with two clinics. Straight monitoring at the private clinic and some prelim stuff for my N.HS cycle. All a bit confusing and Mr G is a little worried it'll stress me out. So far though, it's manageable - only 4 vials of blood on Friday and a couple more tomorrow as well as a wanding. I used to really fear giving blood - funny how you just get used to it. That, and opening your legs without so much as a moment's embarassment - well maybe a moment - on a regular basis.

Mr G and I have been quite the social butterflies. It was J.ewish New Year - as i'm sure you know - last week I cooked for my folks. Pomegranate, FIg, blue cheese and leaf salad, a whole roasted sea bass stuffed with rosemary with thyme roasted new potatoes en papillote and courgettes and mint salad. Dessert was honey wafers with caramelised apples and vanilla ice cream. Yum!

We've had two birthday parties - the fancy dress 40th one where i LOVED being a bunny and Mr G was a fantastic J.immy S.aville. Then last night, another 40th at a J.apanese restaurant sitting round the te.penyaki tables. I made a huge platter of teeny, petit four sized lemon flavoured cupcakes iced in white and light and dark pink and topped with glittery sprinkles as well as some heart shaped chocolate cup cakes with chocolate icing and took them for the birthday girl. No pics - sorry.

We also went for dinner with friends of Mr G in a posh L.ondon hotel restaurant. During the evening, I was feeling a bit period crampy. I was worried that i might have come on - you know that feeling which you used to get at school and which never fully leaves you that your skirt might be stained. So, after worrying for a while, i thought i'd try to creep off to the toilet.

I was on a bench seat against the wall, and the table was pushed right up to the bench. I tried to edge along the bench and slide my legs up round the table leg but I didn't know that the bench stopped. Instead of smoothly exiting, I disappeared over the edge of the bench, legs in the air and whacked my arm against the wall. How embarassing!!! I was mortified! Luckily the p.eriod had not shown up - just as well as i'd showed my knickers to the whole restaurant...
I had the great pleasure of meeting Becks from One Miracle Needed this week. She was up in L.ondon for a meeting and we had a quick lunch together. She's every bit as lovely as she sounds and we talked non-stop the whole time we were together. I feel very lucky to have met so many lovely brave and strong girls - in real life and virtually - through my IF. A silver lining in all this misery. I just hope we can all move on to share stories of our children.

xx

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Embarrassed to be a techno idiot


Sorry about the botch up with the link to Mensfe. I did put the address in, but it didn't come out in my published blog. Definitely need lessons in bloggery!

Have tried using the Blogger paste in link thing but can't get it to work. So, the site i'm trying to get you to check out is MENSFE dot NET it's not in caps, and i've spelt out the dot and second part but I hope you can get to look at it whilst I (and Mr G - my IT support) work out how to do this properly.

I'm meeting up with Becks (One Miracle Needed) next week so maybe she'll talk me through the process so I look less of a numbskull. This lack of technical nouse is making me feel like all of your Grandma who just can't get used to this new fangled technology! I'm shamed. Do pop in and give Becks a bit of support. She's teetering on the edge of a BFP, maybe we can push her the right way!

Anyway, little else to report. Am, on the whole, feeling fairly cool. Went to open evening at another clinic last night. It was packed with other infertile couples. Somehow i'm comforted by the fact that there are so many of us but also that there were people there who looked normal and just like me.

The talk repeated a lot that we (seasoned IVF'ers) could have told them (Mr G joked I could've given the talk) but also some new stuff. They're quite up on new tests and do a really thorough work-up prior to starting treatment. They believe that the Anti-Mu.llerian Hor.mone test is much more accurate than F.SH. We're now wavering between CB clinic and this one - which is second in the L.ondon (and I think UK) clinic hit parade.

Question time was in front of the rest of the audience. I asked a few, but was a bit shy of coming out as having had so many go's. The talk leader said that after 3 try's your chances are v slim. I've managed not to fall to pieces at that news and i'm NOT going to reflect on it. We're going to make an appt with them to discuss our chances.

I had an inkling that this veneer of cool is only that. I have a fancy dress party to go to on Sat night. The theme is "What did you want to be when you grew up?". I think i'm grown up and i STILL don't really know! Call me an old whinger, but I really hate fancy dress. It's so much more stressful than just trying to fit into your too tight jeans and sexy top and plastering on some make up. I'd got into a real tizz about it! Other than Madonna - who I had and (if i'm honest) still have a huge admiration for, i'm not sure what I wanted to be other than tall, slim and blonde. I'm still none of them!

Anyway, i went to a fancy dress store for inspiration and had a total sense of humour failure. It was chaotic and the really rude receptionist was so unpleasant I was forced to have cross words with her. When I get angry it makes me cry. I hate it but that's what I do. I was red faced and close to tears but managed not to go there - which would have been SO humiliating. It did give me sense check on my mental state. I'm not sure stable people get quite so worked up in fancy dress shops...

Fortunately my anger passed and I made it to the trying-on section. They dont' do Madonna or Princesses - my second choice. The Medieval queen was shapeless. The sexy cowgirl (not sure i could have claimed to have always wanted to be a cowgirl, but thought i could say i'd like to have been Daisy Duke) was too revealing. I eventually threw caution to the wind and chose a Bunny Girl outfit I thought i could wear fishnets which hide a multitude of evils and the outfit has a little skirt so it's not just a leotard. However, my butt isn't like the one in the pic, so i'll have to stand close to a wall all night!

I'd offer to post pics but i'm already too ashamed! Mr G, on the other hand, can't wait for me to dress up!

Finally, when searching for "stressed" pics I found thisthought it might make many of you smile!

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Been a busy couple of days.

Spoke to the lady at the N.HS clinic. She's had a cancellation and can fit us in for Dec/Jan now. She said - between her and me, if my pe.riod came in late November she'd have no issue with that. Great. But now we have a dilemma. We were going to go ahead with a cycle in October. I don't really want to delay for more than that. If we do a private cycle and it works, all well and good. If not, then we'd have to do two back to back....hmmm....Still, not tried that yet.

We're off to an open evening at another private hospital tomorrow night. They were full of prospective candidates but called today to say they'd had a cancellation. They're top of the pops here since CB clinic (is that the name I gave them?!) got pushed out of the charts. We'll see if they promise anything more exciting.

We were asked to appear on TV today! There's some survey coming out in the news tomorrow and they wanted Mr G and i on a news show to comment. We agreed but then later, Mr G changed his mind. I'd have done it, but i don't really want to become a career media infertile, so, on balance, I think he's right.

Oh, important news!!!!! A contact of ours has launche the first site dedicated specifically for men coping with infertility. He launched the site at the recent conference at Lyons. I checked it out and it's got all the stuff us girls get to share - notice boards, other people's stories and general support for our boys. The address is I still think it's in development, but do check it out and send your boys over for a look. Let everyone you know - it's there to help them!

I spent half of today at a huge food fair eyeing up and tasting the most fab and yummy food. It was three and a half hours of food heaven!

Right, i've got to go and fetch Mr G from the station. We've a strike on the Under.ground today and he's stuck at Pad.dington, bless....

So, lots going on and i'm smiling. Waiting for the fall, but i'll enjoy this sunny spell for the moment.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

We have a future...adoption considered

That'll teach me for taking so long to finish off my last entry. In the time i've been away many of my Rocking Girl Bloggers have already been awarded their colours.

For the record, my choices are:

Meredith asking Someone Please Knock Me Up who's brave open and honest and up there with me in the age stakes

CAM and her Infertility Diary who's managed to see the positive side of life despite being surrounded by reproducing couples

Becks whose waiting for her Once Miracle Needed, a bright and bubbly addition to the IF blogging scene

Leah whose Tales from my Dusty Ovaries makes me laugh and gives me hope and whose advice and support has been invaluable

Forever Hopeful over at Wishing it would get easier another strong lady who deserves success

Amy R at When will you have kids who's another bright and bubbly blogger and a helpful and supportive reader.

All these girls have been there with kind words and a (virtual) hug during my time struggling with IF. I could mention loads more girls who've been my support over the last year or so. May we all make it to the other side! I'm sorry I can't link directly to their sites. I must sort out some blog training - from someone more technically able - a 10 yr old would probably be able to teach me!

I was going to finish off my holiday news, but i'm not sure there's much more to say about that, so i'll move on to more recent goings on.

Future:

We've decided to switch to with "Best Results Expensive Conveyor Belt Clinic" - which we'll refer to from now on as CB Clinic for our next try. I have a monitored cycle next month. They'll only go ahead with treatment if your FSH is less than 10. I just hope mine drops a bit and i'm taking Vit B6, Agnus Castae (when I remember), DHEA, Coenzyme Q10 and other vits to try to bring it down. I rattle when I walk! I'm also going to try acupuncture to see if that helps. Anyone know of any other stuff I can try?

To keep costs down, a friend (a Dr and fellow IVF-er) is going to do the NK cells and other blood tests I need. They'd be almost 1000 pounds at CB Clinic but she'll get them done for less than half the price. We're so lucky to have such kind people in our world.

We've told Dr Big Hair (our -now - old doc) that we're moving on. I told him he's the best Dr we ever have been treated by and we're really sad to be leaving him. He called and said he fully supports our decision and is there to help us whatever we need. He's going to get me some advice on DHEA and run the NK cell results past his colleague who's an expert in that field. We're so going to miss him.

Adoption:

I'm feeling really positive at the moment. I think it's because of a conversation I had on Friday. I met up with a girl who has 2 adopted children. She married at 25 and went through 5 IVF's in her late twenties. The first produced identical QUADS that she was told could not go to full term so they selectively reduced and lost them all. She had no more success and after 5 gave up. She knew she wanted to be a mum so started the adoption process the day IVF 5 failed. She eventually adopted a boy and later, a girl from Russi.a and is SO happy. She's in her mid thirties and she said she's now happy the IVF failed because if it hadn't then she'd never have found her two. She doesn't grieve having a child and loves her children so much she's brimming with it.

For the first time, i believe that we're going to be ok. If we can't make a baby then maybe we could adopt. It's ridiculously expensive and seems to take ages - 18 mths or more, but it's an option. There are so many thoughts in my head about it and there are loads more than this, but my initial thoughts are:

Minusses: Alway grieving not ever feeling a life growing inside me, not being able to tell Mr G and those I love that i'm pregnant, not seeing Mr G (or my family genes) in my child, not feeling like a real mother. Not to mention the cost and time to wait.

Plusses are: No (or at least far fewer) worries about a baby with disabilities, no stretch marks (no more that is), no dangerous pregnancy and childbirth. A real live baby at the end of all of this pain. (Of course, if we're found to be good candidates that is)

I still hope that cycle 4 is the one for us, that they can find out why 6 healthy embryos didn't stay with their mummy and that they make the next ones stick.

But if they can't and if they can't help us produce our own child, now I know that there is another option. I'm not ready to go there yet but now when I look at people with push chairs and buggies, at parents with toddlers, it doesn't have to hurt so much, now that I can believe that'll be us.

Oh, i've joined Wei.ght Watc.hers - for the third time in my life! I've tipped the scale at my heaviest ever and it's enough already. I'm starting to take control back.

I think that's all I have to tell for now. I was going to share some pics of a 3rd birthday party I catered recently, but Mr G's updated my i-photo and i can' t work it out. I've an episode of Brothers and Sisters to watch now so i'll be back with the pics - I hope!

xx

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Rockin all over the world!

It's been so long since my last entry I actually started to put off writing.

When I got back from Spain I was too busy with work to even go near my laptop. I did check out a few of my girls to see how they were doing and lurked a little but didn't feel up to sharing my stuff yet. Once the work was out the way I was busy with some bad stuff that happened to one of my MindBody girls - more on that later. Then I just couldn't face diving back into IF world. In a funny sort of way perhaps I was pretending to be normal.

Anyway, I checked in today to catch up and found i'd been nominated by Becks as a Rockin Girl Blogger. Thanks so much Becks! Its been too long and i've missed all you girls. So much has happened - good and bad. I'll keep it to bullet points so I don't bore you all to tears!

* Spain was a great break overall. We stayed in a huge house in a really remote area. It was SO quiet, all you could hear was the sounds of nature. We went to bed early and were up to see the sun rise on several mornings. Mr G did end up working a lot of the time (meaning I read 4 novels) but there were times when we got to remember what we loved (love) about each other. We drank - probably a bit too much - wine and laughed loads. Here's a pic of where we'd sit and drink wine and of me striding around the hills trying to exercise....
see how deserted it is....

* N.HS appointment - we finally had our appt. Its taken 18 months to get that far. (For those not schooled in UK Healt.hcare, the N.HS (Na.tional Health Service) is supposed to provide free healthca.re for all. It doesn't work quite like that) Waiting lists are so long you end up moving to the private sector to get treated. Anyway, first they put us in a room with mothers and their screaming children to wait for 30 mins to see the consultant. Then, when we were called, the consultant - who we'd been told was a Mr was a woman. Only when I asked what was going on did she explain she was standing in for the proper consultant who'd had to be somewhere else. I'm embarassed to say that I lost it. We've waited EIGHTEEN MONTHS to see this doctor during which time my FSH has gone from 7 to over 12 and they couldn't even find a consultant to see us!

The stand-in lady said we could leave if we wanted but we decided to stay. She took some details - all of which she should have had. They'd lost Mr G's SA results - which had been taken at that hospital.

After 10 minutes the consultant appeared and the stand-in told him we weren't happy. He asked why and I burst into tears. I said - in a really embarassing teary way - how long we'd waited and how disappointed we were. He told the stand-in to refer us and to do some tests. He told us that my FSH meant our chances were "very slim", told me (still snivelling) to "be positive" and left. I HATE how desperate this whole situation has made me.

And it gets worse.... We went to see another lady who could tell us how long the waiting list for treatment is now we're finally on it. She told us the first slot she has for the borough we live in is next March. March 2008. I'll be 39 by then! I explained (no tears by now) that my FSH was shooting up and how old i'd be. She said she'd see if she could find a cancellation. WHO CANCELS IVF THEY'VE WAITED 2 YEARS FOR TREATMENT??!!! I'm not holding my breath. She'll let us know when she's back from her holiday next week.

If you're confused. I have already had th.ree cycles. Luckily we have the funds to pay for private treatment. We can't pay for indefinite treatment but we have managed to scrape together enough for this. If we didn't have any money then the N.HS would have stolen my last chance at trying for a baby. It stinks. Maybe i shouldn't even be taking this free cycle as i'm possible taking it from another girl who can't pay for any for herself.

The end result of all of this was two or three days of feeling totally in the depths. As we walked back to our car i had a huge lump in my throat and an empty hole in my heart. I'm just not sure how much more of this misery I can put myself through. I know I can't give up but it's just so painful.

That's enough for tonight - only so much I can inflict upon you in one go.

I'll write again tomorrow with my rockin girl bloggers xx

Monday, August 13, 2007

66 today

My father would have been 66 today. He died 4 years ago - about a month short of his 62nd birthday. Today, I went with my (half) sister and my uncle - Daddy's older brother to visit his grave, which is near the graves of my grandma and grandpa, his parents. It would have been grandma's birthday later this week.

I'd like to paint a rosy picture of our wonderful relationship but this is the place I tell it like it is, warts 'n all. Truth is we fought quite a lot. Bad stuff happened just before he died. He had married a lady who didn't like me very much. It made things very difficult between us.

Although Daddy and I WERE speaking at the end I was left with a lot of "stuff" and in a dark place. It took therapy and meeting my wonderful husband to get me through the next couple of years but this is never a great time of year. The way he left things means i'll never be able to forget what happened.

Having said all of that I still miss him every day and wish he was here. He was a handsome, generous and vibrant man who was a lot of fun and well liked by many people. They told me when he'd gone how proud he'd been of me. Wish he'd told me that.

Whilst i'm being miserable, a quick moan about my weight. I'm bigger than ever and, since the IV.F it now seems to sit around my middle. I've never carried my weight there before and it's the WORST! I'm about 20lbs heavier than I was at our wedding in Apr 06, but, however much I hate how I look and how my clothes feel, I still haven't found the will power to do anything about it. Every day I start with good intentions and a healthy bowl of fruit or porridge. Every night that will has evaporated in the face of whatever snack has hijacked me. I know it's down to me to do something about this but it feels like just one more unwelcome hurdle in.fertility has brought with it. I just don't seem to be able to do it. I AM exercising a bit though - a speedy walk or run/walk for 30 mins five or six times a week - so hopefully i won't get even heavier.

Anyway, enough self pity - which I think is possibly wrapped up in a dose of good old PMT.

On the brighter side, the wasp sting's all better and i'm getting through my work ready for our week away. We're taking a v early flight on Wednesday to Ali.cante. The house we're staying in is 90 mins from there. It's v remote and should be perfect for 7 days of total relaxation. I've lots of work bits to finish off tomorrow as well as a manicure and pedicure at the end of the day - looking forward to a bit of pampering.

Hope all goes well for those of you in treatment and those waiting for news find yourselves in a good place

xx

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Ow, ow, OWWW!

I've just been stung by a wasp, I was quietly minding my own business, tapping away on my laptop out here in the garden in the fantastic sunshine we're basking in Lon.don and suddenly felt a sharp pain in my foot. I went to get up and saw a wasp hanging off me!!

I'm (embarassingly) petrified of insects - especially wasps - and wasn't sure whether I wanted to touch it, but it was hurting, so I pushed it off, leaving half of its rear end dangling off my (v attractive) bunion! Gorgeous picture i'm painting I know. I limped indoors and asked Mr G to help me get the sting out. We googled what you're meant to do and couldn't find much at all, so I tried to get the rest of the sting out. I think its gone but it flippin' hurts!

Mad, I can shove long needles in my belly without thinking twice, but a tiny wasp sting causes hysteria....go figure....

Not much else to report. Got the courage up to spend a few hours with a friend with a 10 mth old baby. I'd found her a bit insensitive so had given her a wide berth, especially during and after my last cycle. But friends is friends and thought i'd make the peace. (Hark at me after my gushing last post - what a fickle girlie I am!)

It was good to see her though, and we had a nice time, wheeling her little boy round the park and to another park - both of which were positively HEAVING with mothers and babies/children. I was ok but just before I left her to feed him, she was playing and tickling him making him laugh and laugh. It got to the point that she would even go to tickle him and he'd giggle. It was adorable and so heartachingly gorgeous that I had almost lost it. It really hurt.

At least she and I are friends again. During the afternoon she said she'd wondered if she'd done something wrong as she felt she had by how I was. I didn't really answer, just squeezed her arm. What can you say? I HAD been upset with her but how can you expect everyone to hide their joy and tread on egg shells around you? You can't. This is my stuff and i've got to deal with it.

Anyway. My foot hurts so I'm going to seek some soothing chocolate....xx

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

I love girls

Well, not in the carnal sense. It's just that I'm not sure I could get through this IF quagmire without the girls in my life.

I'm just home from my fortnightly meet up with some of the girls I met on the MindBody course. I'm all loved up with friendship and togetherness. Those girls are great. It's so good to laugh and chat with girls who "get it" and not those who are really trying to understand and making sympathetic noises. I know the latter type care, it's just that they'll never know how this feels.

So, thank you to them, to all you ladies in blogworld and to my Mum and my MIL who are so there and ready to listen.

I'm not sure i'd be able to get up every day without all of - and of course without my gorgeous Mr G - who's my rock

Bed time - it's way too late to be sitting at my desk doing an Oscar style acceptance speech. Perhaps i'm overtired...

I've sleep to get!

xx

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Busy week

Thanks for all of your support ladies. You've been wonderful. I'm not sure how i'd be getting through some of these days without this network. Maybe one day i'll get to meet some of you.

Been a packed old week.

I've been teaching (cooking) monday, tuesday and wednesday and did some catering on Friday - hard work and HOT as the weather here has finally worked out it's summer! In between we had our follow up appointment with Big Hair.

Neither Mr G nor I were looking forward to our follow up appointment, to walking back into the clinic after a third failure. I felt like that after our first failed treatement but strangely was ok after the second time. This was as bad as it could have been. It was the night of the clinic's summer party and EVERYONE was in. Within minutes we saw the kindly receptionist, the counsellor we've had our counselling with, the nurse who did the most recent transfer, lovely Aussie sweetheart nurse and the girl who ran the Mind Body group.

It couldn't have been worse! They were all lovely, lovely, lovely. I got a hug from the transfer nurse and much kindness from all of them. They're all really upset for us. Thing is, I can deal with this stuff until someone's nice to me. Mr G knew I was in big danger of losing it. I just about held it together. Ridiculously, I feel like i'm letting them down too!

After a short wait, Big Hair appeared. First thing he says is "Why aren't you pregnant?". I said he should tell me! He thought the cycle went really well. Good lining, usual response, better transfer but still only 90 - 95% out of 100%. . He'd also have liked to see more eggs - that makes two of us! He has a gut feeling this is going to work for us - which is actually what the counsellor said too - but thinks that my low reserve means we'll need a few more goes to get there.

Our chances are down from 30% to 10-20% but then that's no surprise. He followed that by saying that it's actually either 0% or 100% - you're pregnant or you're not.

He sees that we have 3 options:

1. We go for the NH.S appt next and he's happy to advise us throughout by phone or email.

2. We go to another clinic - the Lo.ndon one with the best results. Again he'd be happy to mentor us throughout.

3. We do another cycle with him.
If we do stay with him, he'd do all the scans personally - for which he'd have to cross Lon.don each day to scan me at 8am to get back for his other clinic. Before the cycle we could test FSH and only do the cycle if mine is below 10 - as they do in Australia. He also said that if I want to get my NK (natural killer) cells tested, it's not his field but he'd show the results to a colleague who's expert in that area and we could try steroids if necessary. He'll also look into DHEA for me. (I didn't let on that i'm already taking it....naughty naughty)

He is just the nicest and kindest man and Mr G and I can't believe how dedicated he is. All he wants is for me to get pregnant.

Now we have to decide what to do. We're not going to make that choice until we've had our NH.S appt on 24 aug. If that cycle's likely to happen soonish, I think we'll go for that one. If it's free, we've very little to lose... If it's going to be a while then we'll see if it's Option 2 or 3. I'm not sure I can face walking back into that clinic to face the pity of the staff another time.

Oh, sorry this is is so long, but Big Hair let himself down by ending the consult with a mention of the dreaded ED - Egg D.onation.... He doesn't think it's for now and not for at least another few cycles, but it's now out there. I've done well to ignore its looming presence and i'm not going to think about it. I'm can't. We're going to make a baby with my dinosaur eggs. We just are!

Time to stop wittering - Mr G just said he thinks I write too much sometimes. For now, we're getting from day to day and putting IVF out of our minds for a while. We've booked a week in Spain in a week or so - more on that in my next post.

xx

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Always gets me...

RIght after a failed cycle I feel fine. Even optimistic. Right after that I crash and burn.

My delay in posting has been partly due to more work than i've had in a while but largely down to my feeling totally and utterly low.

Three times. Three times i've climbed up the ladder of hope and three times i've crashed off it. I never ever thought i'd still be infertile after three goes at IVF.

This wasn't meant to happen.

We went into this thinking I was in great (reproductive) health. The only bar to our conceiving were the poor sad tails on Mr G's sper.m. All we had to do was propel them to my eggs and we'd have ourselves a baby.

Turns out it's not that simple. Turns out I was right to worry about my ticking biological clock. Turns out that despite my clear as a bell tubes, smugly sparkling uter.us and regular cycles my reproductive abilities ain't all they're cracked up to be. My shrunken ovaries have had the last laugh and (it seems) are pushing out less than useful eggs. Why else am I not able to retain even one of the six embryos Dr Big Hair has returned to my (not so) safe care?

Three was meant to be the magic number. For your first three tries you've a one in three chance of success. After that your odds are much reduced. How are we ever going to get us that baby?

I feel like a lead weight has landed somewhere just below my throat. There's a great big lump there that sometimes makes me sob and at other times just sits there. As i'm busy with work I can forget about the lump for minutes at a time but each time I remember i get a sinking feeling. It's similar to how I felt when Daddy died. I'm grieving and Mr G can't make it better because he's grieving too.

What did we do to be in this place? Did we do something wrong or treat someone badly? Are we bad people? Why are we the one in six or whatever statistic it is for infertile couples? Why are any of us stuck in in.fertile limbo here?

Even the sun - which is now shining after weeks of rain - can't shake me out of this place. I suppose it's just about timing.

I'm sorry for that long vent. I just needed to share where I am.

It hasn't all been misery. The wedding we went to at the weekend was really lovely. Beautiful bride, lovely setting, totally romantic. I drank champa.gne and w.ine and had a truly excellent evening. Mr G said it was like his wife was back. The alcohol numbed the pain and made me smile. I danced all night and hugged my darling boy. If it wasn't for the come down the next day, i'd consider taking up alcohol full time. As well as the alcohol, I drank coffee, ate ice cream and generally did all the stuff that has been banned for the last few months. On the Saturday, we had home made eclairs for tea at this hotel
Apart from my grey state there's no other news. Oh - we've an appointment with Big Hair for our follow up on Thursday and we've an appointment at the N.HS hospital for our free cycle. I'm not sure what tests they'll want to do but it may be that our next cycle is the free one! Question is...are we flogging a dead horse? Am I ever going to produce eggs that make babies? I've got to believe I can or I might as well curl up in my bed and stay there.

Sorry for the length of this post - well done if you made it this far.

Love and hugs for my girls who didn't get their BFP's this time. You'll get there girls. Hang on in there with me. Thank you so much for all of you who are and have been out there for me.

xx