Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Rockin all over the world!

It's been so long since my last entry I actually started to put off writing.

When I got back from Spain I was too busy with work to even go near my laptop. I did check out a few of my girls to see how they were doing and lurked a little but didn't feel up to sharing my stuff yet. Once the work was out the way I was busy with some bad stuff that happened to one of my MindBody girls - more on that later. Then I just couldn't face diving back into IF world. In a funny sort of way perhaps I was pretending to be normal.

Anyway, I checked in today to catch up and found i'd been nominated by Becks as a Rockin Girl Blogger. Thanks so much Becks! Its been too long and i've missed all you girls. So much has happened - good and bad. I'll keep it to bullet points so I don't bore you all to tears!

* Spain was a great break overall. We stayed in a huge house in a really remote area. It was SO quiet, all you could hear was the sounds of nature. We went to bed early and were up to see the sun rise on several mornings. Mr G did end up working a lot of the time (meaning I read 4 novels) but there were times when we got to remember what we loved (love) about each other. We drank - probably a bit too much - wine and laughed loads. Here's a pic of where we'd sit and drink wine and of me striding around the hills trying to exercise....
see how deserted it is....

* N.HS appointment - we finally had our appt. Its taken 18 months to get that far. (For those not schooled in UK Healt.hcare, the N.HS (Na.tional Health Service) is supposed to provide free for all. It doesn't work quite like that) Waiting lists are so long you end up moving to the private sector to get treated. Anyway, first they put us in a room with mothers and their screaming children to wait for 30 mins to see the consultant. Then, when we were called, the consultant - who we'd been told was a Mr was a woman. Only when I asked what was going on did she explain she was standing in for the proper consultant who'd had to be somewhere else. I'm embarassed to say that I lost it. We've waited EIGHTEEN MONTHS to see this doctor during which time my FSH has gone from 7 to over 12 and they couldn't even find a consultant to see us!

The stand-in lady said we could leave if we wanted but we decided to stay. She took some details - all of which she should have had. They'd lost Mr G's SA results - which had been taken at that hospital.

After 10 minutes the consultant appeared and the stand-in told him we weren't happy. He asked why and I burst into tears. I said - in a really embarassing teary way - how long we'd waited and how disappointed we were. He told the stand-in to refer us and to do some tests. He told us that my FSH meant our chances were "very slim", told me (still snivelling) to "be positive" and left. I HATE how desperate this whole situation has made me.

And it gets worse.... We went to see another lady who could tell us how long the waiting list for treatment is now we're finally on it. She told us the first slot she has for the borough we live in is next March. March 2008. I'll be 39 by then! I explained (no tears by now) that my FSH was shooting up and how old i'd be. She said she'd see if she could find a cancellation. WHO CANCELS IVF THEY'VE WAITED 2 YEARS FOR TREATMENT??!!! I'm not holding my breath. She'll let us know when she's back from her holiday next week.

If you're confused. I have already had th.ree cycles. Luckily we have the funds to pay for private treatment. We can't pay for indefinite treatment but we have managed to scrape together enough for this. If we didn't have any money then the N.HS would have stolen my last chance at trying for a baby. It stinks. Maybe i shouldn't even be taking this free cycle as i'm possible taking it from another girl who can't pay for any for herself.

The end result of all of this was two or three days of feeling totally in the depths. As we walked back to our car i had a huge lump in my throat and an empty hole in my heart. I'm just not sure how much more of this misery I can put myself through. I know I can't give up but it's just so painful.

That's enough for tonight - only so much I can inflict upon you in one go.

I'll write again tomorrow with my rockin girl bloggers xx

Monday, August 13, 2007

66 today

My father would have been 66 today. He died 4 years ago - about a month short of his 62nd birthday. Today, I went with my (half) sister and my uncle - Daddy's older brother to visit his grave, which is near the graves of my grandma and grandpa, his parents. It would have been grandma's birthday later this week.

I'd like to paint a rosy picture of our wonderful relationship but this is the place I tell it like it is, warts 'n all. Truth is we fought quite a lot. Bad stuff happened just before he died. He had married a lady who didn't like me very much. It made things very difficult between us.

Although Daddy and I WERE speaking at the end I was left with a lot of "stuff" and in a dark place. It took therapy and meeting my wonderful husband to get me through the next couple of years but this is never a great time of year. The way he left things means i'll never be able to forget what happened.

Having said all of that I still miss him every day and wish he was here. He was a handsome, generous and vibrant man who was a lot of fun and well liked by many people. They told me when he'd gone how proud he'd been of me. Wish he'd told me that.

Whilst i'm being miserable, a quick moan about my weight. I'm bigger than ever and, since the IV.F it now seems to sit around my middle. I've never carried my weight there before and it's the WORST! I'm about 20lbs heavier than I was at our wedding in Apr 06, but, however much I hate how I look and how my clothes feel, I still haven't found the will power to do anything about it. Every day I start with good intentions and a healthy bowl of fruit or porridge. Every night that will has evaporated in the face of whatever snack has hijacked me. I know it's down to me to do something about this but it feels like just one more unwelcome hurdle in.fertility has brought with it. I just don't seem to be able to do it. I AM exercising a bit though - a speedy walk or run/walk for 30 mins five or six times a week - so hopefully i won't get even heavier.

Anyway, enough self pity - which I think is possibly wrapped up in a dose of good old PMT.

On the brighter side, the wasp sting's all better and i'm getting through my work ready for our week away. We're taking a v early flight on Wednesday to Ali.cante. The house we're staying in is 90 mins from there. It's v remote and should be perfect for 7 days of total relaxation. I've lots of work bits to finish off tomorrow as well as a manicure and pedicure at the end of the day - looking forward to a bit of pampering.

Hope all goes well for those of you in treatment and those waiting for news find yourselves in a good place


Saturday, August 11, 2007

Ow, ow, OWWW!

I've just been stung by a wasp, I was quietly minding my own business, tapping away on my laptop out here in the garden in the fantastic sunshine we're basking in Lon.don and suddenly felt a sharp pain in my foot. I went to get up and saw a wasp hanging off me!!

I'm (embarassingly) petrified of insects - especially wasps - and wasn't sure whether I wanted to touch it, but it was hurting, so I pushed it off, leaving half of its rear end dangling off my (v attractive) bunion! Gorgeous picture i'm painting I know. I limped indoors and asked Mr G to help me get the sting out. We googled what you're meant to do and couldn't find much at all, so I tried to get the rest of the sting out. I think its gone but it flippin' hurts!

Mad, I can shove long needles in my belly without thinking twice, but a tiny wasp sting causes hysteria....go figure....

Not much else to report. Got the courage up to spend a few hours with a friend with a 10 mth old baby. I'd found her a bit insensitive so had given her a wide berth, especially during and after my last cycle. But friends is friends and thought i'd make the peace. (Hark at me after my gushing last post - what a fickle girlie I am!)

It was good to see her though, and we had a nice time, wheeling her little boy round the park and to another park - both of which were positively HEAVING with mothers and babies/children. I was ok but just before I left her to feed him, she was playing and tickling him making him laugh and laugh. It got to the point that she would even go to tickle him and he'd giggle. It was adorable and so heartachingly gorgeous that I had almost lost it. It really hurt.

At least she and I are friends again. During the afternoon she said she'd wondered if she'd done something wrong as she felt she had by how I was. I didn't really answer, just squeezed her arm. What can you say? I HAD been upset with her but how can you expect everyone to hide their joy and tread on egg shells around you? You can't. This is my stuff and i've got to deal with it.

Anyway. My foot hurts so I'm going to seek some soothing chocolate....xx

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

I love girls

Well, not in the carnal sense. It's just that I'm not sure I could get through this IF quagmire without the girls in my life.

I'm just home from my fortnightly meet up with some of the girls I met on the MindBody course. I'm all loved up with friendship and togetherness. Those girls are great. It's so good to laugh and chat with girls who "get it" and not those who are really trying to understand and making sympathetic noises. I know the latter type care, it's just that they'll never know how this feels.

So, thank you to them, to all you ladies in blogworld and to my Mum and my MIL who are so there and ready to listen.

I'm not sure i'd be able to get up every day without all of - and of course without my gorgeous Mr G - who's my rock

Bed time - it's way too late to be sitting at my desk doing an Oscar style acceptance speech. Perhaps i'm overtired...

I've sleep to get!


Sunday, August 05, 2007

Busy week

Thanks for all of your support ladies. You've been wonderful. I'm not sure how i'd be getting through some of these days without this network. Maybe one day i'll get to meet some of you.

Been a packed old week.

I've been teaching (cooking) monday, tuesday and wednesday and did some catering on Friday - hard work and HOT as the weather here has finally worked out it's summer! In between we had our follow up appointment with Big Hair.

Neither Mr G nor I were looking forward to our follow up appointment, to walking back into the clinic after a third failure. I felt like that after our first failed treatement but strangely was ok after the second time. This was as bad as it could have been. It was the night of the clinic's summer party and EVERYONE was in. Within minutes we saw the kindly receptionist, the counsellor we've had our counselling with, the nurse who did the most recent transfer, lovely Aussie sweetheart nurse and the girl who ran the Mind Body group.

It couldn't have been worse! They were all lovely, lovely, lovely. I got a hug from the transfer nurse and much kindness from all of them. They're all really upset for us. Thing is, I can deal with this stuff until someone's nice to me. Mr G knew I was in big danger of losing it. I just about held it together. Ridiculously, I feel like i'm letting them down too!

After a short wait, Big Hair appeared. First thing he says is "Why aren't you pregnant?". I said he should tell me! He thought the cycle went really well. Good lining, usual response, better transfer but still only 90 - 95% out of 100%. . He'd also have liked to see more eggs - that makes two of us! He has a gut feeling this is going to work for us - which is actually what the counsellor said too - but thinks that my low reserve means we'll need a few more goes to get there.

Our chances are down from 30% to 10-20% but then that's no surprise. He followed that by saying that it's actually either 0% or 100% - you're pregnant or you're not.

He sees that we have 3 options:

1. We go for the NH.S appt next and he's happy to advise us throughout by phone or email.

2. We go to another clinic - the Lo.ndon one with the best results. Again he'd be happy to mentor us throughout.

3. We do another cycle with him.
If we do stay with him, he'd do all the scans personally - for which he'd have to cross Lon.don each day to scan me at 8am to get back for his other clinic. Before the cycle we could test FSH and only do the cycle if mine is below 10 - as they do in Australia. He also said that if I want to get my NK (natural killer) cells tested, it's not his field but he'd show the results to a colleague who's expert in that area and we could try steroids if necessary. He'll also look into DHEA for me. (I didn't let on that i'm already taking it....naughty naughty)

He is just the nicest and kindest man and Mr G and I can't believe how dedicated he is. All he wants is for me to get pregnant.

Now we have to decide what to do. We're not going to make that choice until we've had our NH.S appt on 24 aug. If that cycle's likely to happen soonish, I think we'll go for that one. If it's free, we've very little to lose... If it's going to be a while then we'll see if it's Option 2 or 3. I'm not sure I can face walking back into that clinic to face the pity of the staff another time.

Oh, sorry this is is so long, but Big Hair let himself down by ending the consult with a mention of the dreaded ED - Egg D.onation.... He doesn't think it's for now and not for at least another few cycles, but it's now out there. I've done well to ignore its looming presence and i'm not going to think about it. I'm can't. We're going to make a baby with my dinosaur eggs. We just are!

Time to stop wittering - Mr G just said he thinks I write too much sometimes. For now, we're getting from day to day and putting IVF out of our minds for a while. We've booked a week in Spain in a week or so - more on that in my next post.