Thursday, December 21, 2006

Feeling festive

Thank goodness its now feeling a bit more wintery outside! With daily high's of 4 and 5 degrees, the weather has finally realised that it's nearly midwinter. In fact, today IS midwinter's day!

I'm feeling festive too - Christmas shopping's done, work's almost complete and i've one more full day before DH and I set off for our romantic, solitary cottage. We went round the supermarket (Waitrose) choosing special foody treats to take with us. We'll do the main shop when we get there. We picked up the latest edition of the paper in which we write our IVF diary column whilst we were there.

The optimism remains. I've made an appointment to see our Dr on Jan 11th, and then we can down to business. I should have had the next visit from AF by then and we'll be on countdown. I'm a bit scared this time, as I know that it might not work and I know how it feels for it not to work. I'm going to register with the best clinic - which has a 6 - 12 week waiting list for an initial consultation. The success rates there are about 20% better than ours and I'll just feel safer with it as our fallback. We also have our first NHS consultation on 18th Jan. About time, but i'm not sure where that will lead us.

What is winding me up a bit is feeling a bit pushed into using chinese herbs. I'm quite happy to have acupuncture, but my acupunturist - who has loads of experience - is now pushing me into taking herbs. I know i'm a big girl and can say no, but she's really foisted them upon me. They're expensive, smelly, time consuming and they just remind me of my problems every day. I feel angry about it really. i just want some time off from stressing about all of this. Why can't she give something to DH to make his sperm move a bit faster...move at all! She says to keep on trying, but if there's no movement, what's the point?...

Now there I was saying how positive I feel! Well, actually I do really! I'm so looking forward to a week of doing nothing with DH. No phone, no internet, nowhere to be, no deadlines...what bliss! Must buy some books to take with me.

Maybe next year i'll be pg or even have a new baby for Christmas. How amazing would that be?! Not sure I believe it'll happen, but who knows...

Happy Christmas all and may 2007 be a fertile one for all who wish to be!


Thursday, December 14, 2006

The mist has cleared...a little

The last post was brought to you almost totally by my hormones. AF finally arrived on Saturday - just after i wrote that post. I was, for the week before and for a few days afterwards, the most miserable i've been in such a long time. I was also grumpy and unpleasant. DH was brought to his knees and arrived at a total low last night.

Well, enough! The last two days i've felt quite positive. This is not the end of the world. There's every chance we'll get somewhere with all of this. There's every chance we won't whilst i'm miserable and stressed. Christmas will be lovely. I can't wait to do NOTHING with DH. I now have some idea when we'll do our next cycle - mid Feb, I think - and i've got lots of exciting stuff to do for my (yet to blossom) business. All good. Every week I hear of people managing to succeed with IVF. Well, why not us?!

For now, i'll enjoy my DH, enjoy our newly married status. Book lots of nice things to do and ignore the reproductively challenged side of life.

How hormonal must I sound?! One minute down and next, up. I might also sound quite manic. I'll try for an even keel.

Must sign off now. Have to go and teach some men how to make their dinner!


Saturday, December 09, 2006

Pull yourself together

Mea culpa...its been a long time since my last update....

Mea culpa...i'm in danger of doing some serious damage to my marriage.

Both 'sins' are my almost totally letting myself give in to the misery that lurks just below the surface much of the time. I've been really trying to keep it at bay. I don't want this IVF to take over my life and I don't want to become one of bitter child obsessed women I used to take little interest in when reading my mum's magazines.

Two things have proved too much for me this fortnight:

Firstly - turning 38. THIRTY EIGHT!!! I was meant to be married with children approaching their teens by now, not still attempting to make a child!! I had an "i'm nearly 40 moment". I feel overweight, frumpy and (nearly) forty. I don't WANT to move into another statistical age group! With the treatment, i've stopped shopping taking care of myself. No new clothes. No facials. Too little exercise. That's an excuse actually as I've had WEEKS to put it right, but haven't had the desire? (btw, if you're reading this thinking how self pitying i've become, then i agree...even typing this makes me think, pull yourself together girl, just do it! Stop the comfort eating. Start exercising and get to the beautician!)

The second thing that's happened (and has totally finished me off) was been my only close friend in this boat giving me the most wonderful news. She has got herself pregnant!!! After more than 5 years of trying, 3 miscarriages, 2 unsuccessful IVF's and a lot of heartache, she conceived naturally and has safely got to 18 weeks! I'm SO happy for her. She's a very dear friend and someone who totally deserves this. She turned 40 this week and did has done this ON HER OWN!! GO GIRL! She told me with so much trepidation as she knows how it feels from the other side. I was ok at the time, but came home and sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed. I just couldn't shift the mood.

DH and I went out for dinner with close friends but I felt v quiet. We left the car behind to allow for a few glasses of mind numbing alcohol, but I didn't really even fancy a drink.

I still haven't even gone back to normal after the treatment! (more on that in a minute) I don't know when we're going to go again. This is SO hard. The silver lining is that if she can do it then so can i! Only problem is that it's not just about me and my aging eggs.....

Note - I wrote this last week, when in the midst of my self indulgent miserable phase. Despite now having some sort of a cold coming on, i'm feeling much more positive now. I'm going to publish this and then a new, more positive entry. Can't leave that sort of a vent on its own.