Sunday, September 27, 2009

Not this time

We decided no to go ahead this month. I felt so sick for so long I think it affected my ovulation - that, or i'm just useless with the sticks.

I tested for a few days, didn't get a result, stopped. I thought i'd missed the surge so I went in for a blood test on day 18 and the clinic said it looked like i hadn't "surged". Eh? Weird as my cycle's never more than 27/28 days. They said test some more (Boo) and come back on Monday if you still haven't surged.

Surprise, surprise, no surge so i'll go in for another £30 blood draw to see what's what. Looking like i might need a H.RT (drug controlled) F.ET. I'm not sure i like it being called H.RT - makes me feel like a lady in meno.pause not one attempting to reproduce. Other bummer is that they're not likely to let me cycle in December, because although they work all hours, the Immune test clinic in the US doesn't so they couldn't get those tests done then. A pain, but not the end of the world.

I feel relaxed about all this now - for the obvious reason that i've a baby sleeping in the room next door. As time goes on i'll be less calm about timing - esp as 41 is fast approaching - and i might regret this farting about. Still, gotta do what's right now, and we don't have much choice anyway.

BTW - i'm delighted that two of my long term IF buddies have had recent BFP's. Makes me smile every time I think of how they must be feeling. It's the most wonderful time - like the lead up to Xmas. Even if I never get to experience that feeling again, i'm so, so grateful to have been there.

Mr G's currently at syn.agogue as tonight is the start of Yo.m K.ippur. We've a lot to thank G-d for - our prayers have truly been heard and answered and for that we're blessed. I'm fasting this year - last year I couldn't as I was pg with B. As i've been sick and am still coughing up gunk, i may allow myself water, but will try to do my best to honour the fast.

Oh, finally - how awful is that story in the US about the lady who's had to give up her baby to the couple who are his biological parents. She's grown that baby and given birth and now has to give it away. I read that she's not allowed to carry another pregnancy - couldn't find out why - so her last chance was wrecked by stupid idiots. How could they ever compensate her for that? Goodness only knows. My heart goes out to her. I know she already has children, but that can never be easy.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Treatment update

Second post of the day. On treatment. My scan on Thursday (mid-cycle) went fine. I've a follie on my R ovary ready to go. All bits still in place. I was told to start the pee.sticks to predict ovulation. I HATE doing those. It brings all the stuff back more than anything else. Last sticks I did were good news. Feels like a huge step back in time. Why can't this just happen? Why must we have to rely on all this flipping medical stuff.

I suppose, if we were younger, we might give it a year or so trying naturally, but then that's pretty stupid as our chances without ICSI are pretty well nil, so who'm i kidding?

The Dr at the clinic has said we can do this cycle as the F.ET if we like. Like now. Not next month. No build up. Next week.

Didn't see THAT coming. Now not sure what to do. In some ways, i'd like to get on with it without time to get nervous and hopeful, especially since it has such a low chance of success. In other ways, i feel that perhaps I should have done more prep, like like acu.puncture or eating well to be in good condition and should have arranged some help for the 2WW. But then, there might not even be a 2WW, and there I go getting all ahead of myself!

Final factor in the decision, and possibly the main one, is that if i'm feeling so sick, it's probably not the best idea to do this next week. If we don't do it this month, we'll probably have to wait until December, as we're off for a 2 week holiday (how exciting) to Is.rael in November. Can't wait. Might be best to chill out, enjoy the hols and round off the year by seeing if the frostie is in our future.

We need to decide in the next couple of days. I've a day to myself - well, a few hours whilst Mr G's out with B - and i'll try to take it easy. A bit of last night's Strictly (hurrah) and some chicken soup (that's gotta do the trick) and maybe a warm bath. Mmmmmm..... xx


I am feeling SO rubbish it's not true.

On Tuesday - day of the big talk (more on that later) I woke with a sore head. I thought it was down to the big glass of rose and half glass of champagne i'd sunk the night before, party animal that i am...not. I'd been out to a pub to meet some of my new local friends, and drunk quickly on an empty stomach. I took painkillers and got through my performance.

I felt more achey all day and had to stop for Nu.rofen during the afternoon when out returning winter coats (bought 4, took back 4, then bought 2, will take back one, hurray) whilst my Mum minded B. Woke up Tuesday feeling AWFUL. Temperature of more than 38 and aches, tiredness, plegmtastic etc Hasn't really improved over the week, but my temperature has come down a bit. I've got loads of stuff on my chest that i'm coughing up and my head's packed with so much gunk all i can hear is ringing. Have had no help with B until yesterday when my in-laws AND parents turned up to help.

Mr G is taking B to his folks to eat the New Year (Jewish) lunch that I was meant to eat with them. I'll stay here and rest and recover.

The talk went well. The ladies were all charming. Judith J.ones was a little stand offish, but she's also v deaf, so that may have been part of the reason. Here's a pic of me and them
I'm the one trying to get away with wearing a maternity dress because I didn't have much else to wear!
B was a star. The centre where I chaired the talk is a Jew.ish cultural centre and many of the folk had read our tale of IV.F. They were very keen to meet THE baby.

Will blog on treatment news in next entry. Thought it best to keep this short. xx

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Julie & Julia

Got out to the cinema for the first time in MONTHS last night.

I'm interviewing a lady called J.udith Jones on Tuesday as part of the Ham and High Lit Fest - H&H being the paper i wrote for full time and now do part-time. My event is here

J.udith Jones was the publisher who first discovered Julia C.hilds. She' s now 80 something and still working hard. When I agreed to do the event I had no idea who she was. I'm now quite nervous but also excited. What an opportunity to network with some fantastic women!

Anyway, I thought I should see the movie before Tuesday and I'm so glad i did. It's fantastic. I enjoyed every minute and was so engrossed that I laughed, welled up, sighed, exclaimed etc throughout. I felt so much in common with both ladies, who were both as into their food as I am and who managed to make it their careers. Mr G said so much of it reminded him of me.

What I didn't know and what was touched on very lightly was that JC was infertile. She passed a pram early on and made a face, and later in the film, burst into floods of tears when her sister wrote to her to tell her she was pg. It made me cry. I so felt her pain with her. We've all been there and we'll all keep on going back there.

I realised i'm pretty emotional at the moment. Not sure if it's because we're heading into our journey to try for B's sibling or what really. All around me women are deciding when they're going to try for their second, like they just can - and they can. Some are already pg. It makes me so angry that we just can't do that. They take that luxury for granted. not even realising what a blessing that is. I know we have our blessing, but this time i'm not apologising for how I feel. This never goes away and will always cause Mr G and I pain. Obviously we do still have B and that makes a huge difference, but we're still not like all those carefree fertiles.

Anway - go see the movie if you haven't already. It's excellent. (Not sure if they're trying to make the point that if JC had had children she might not have written the book nor if i'm a little uncomfortable about that, but perhaps that's getting a little 'deep' about the whole thing)

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

This n that

First, a big shout out to my wonderful BeeCee who'd had fantastic news. I cannot begin to say how excited I am for her!

A few little changes in both my sides of the early stages of quest for B's sibling:

Frozen Cycle
Spoke to both clinics about moving my one solitary frostie from old clinic to new one. Various forms must be signed and transport arranged. I could pay someone called Costa £150 to move the embie across London or I could borrow a Transporter (which sounds a bit S.tar Tre.k) from new clinic and make the journey myself.

Or I could leave it there and have old clinic transfer the embryo. That would be the least trouble and cheapest option. New clinic's frozen cycle is about 1/2 the cost of their fresh cycle which in turn is double that of other clinics. The cost is likely to be the same as a whole fresh cycle elsewhere. As the chances of a safe defrost are only about 50% then i must be mad throwing our money away like that.

The big BUT is that new clinic did something that meant I have B. Maybe it was just the right egg/embryo but maybe it was their much longer and more careful transfer procedure - without scan, unlike every other clinic. If it fails - as is likely - then i'd rather it failed at new clinic where I know i've given it my best shot.

What do you think? Should I just get it defrosted and transferred and not spend too much on it? Throw everything at it as who knows if i'll be able to face IV.F again? Waderidoo?

Met a girl at a local playgroup with two gorgeous little girls. One, mixed race and one white. Turns out they're adopted and are sisters - both with a Polish mother. They were living with different families - i don't know the detail just yet as I was also chasing B around and listening from afar - and she's adopted them and they're now reunited with her as their Mum. She had their snacks in the same green rucksack I use for baby snacks. I got it 'free' from the drug company to carry my Pu.regon. I knew she had to have an IV.F history but she'd obviously got her happy ending via adoption.

I struck up a chat with her over the rucksack and we're meeting up next week to talk about how she adopted her little girls. It didn't sound quite as grim as I expected so perhaps there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Monitored Cycle
Found out my stats for this month. FS.H was EIGHT! EIGHT! I haven't had a score in single figures since I was 37. LH, Oestradiol and Prolactin also all checked out in the normal range. I'm sure i've not had a fertility renaissance, but it was SO encouraging not to have gone through the fertile ceiling just yet.

I just know i'm going to be in turmoil over what to do. Mr G and I will have some soul searching to do over B's sibling and whether we're strong enough to weather more treatment or even the pressures of adoption.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Adoption sure ain't the easy route

Whilst we're going to use our frostie we're well aware of the miniscule chances of that working.

So, we're also looking at adoption - something we'd already decided we'd like to do to grow our family. I spoke to Norwood yesterday. They're the adoption agency we'd like to use and who we spoke to before IV.F 5 worked.

I've spoken to two social workers in the last couple of days. The first started by telling me they couldn't help us (full stop).

Good start.

She said that our local council don't have a contract with them (Norwood) for international adoption. I said we'd consider domestic now (unlike last time) so perhaps she COULD help us. A friend (who i don't know very, very well) had just arrived at my flat as I took the call so i said i would have to speak later. The (Anti)Social worker told me someone else would call the next day.

Next day a more social worker called. We had a more productive chat, but one which was perhaps even more frustrating. She told me that as a white, Je.wish couple we had zero chance of adopting a baby (young or old) in this country or adopting a smallish child without siblings. (Door slams in face)

She went on to say that international adoption (from Russia most likely) was our only real chance. (This is going to cost no less than £35-40,000!!!)

Despite the fact we are now 40 (41 in December) and 42, we are also too early to apply to adopt at all as B is too young!! He will need to be at least a year before they'll even talk to us. This is to give a big enough age difference between him and the adopted baby. THEY WON'T EVEN TALK TO US YET despite the fact there's less than two months til he's one!

Sooooooo - if we want to adopt a child that has no parents of his or her own, we'll need to wait until our mid 40's (as it'll take a couple of years once we start) AND spend a HUGE sum of money we don't really have.

It was a calm and civil chat - i understand the need for a decent age gap to give both children enough care - BUT WTF???!!! I said that they're pushing us toward IV.F again. It'll be cheaper and quicker than adoption.

Once i'd sat down and thought about it i realised the pros of going the adoption route (if we can afford it):

1. We could spend the same on IV.F (which we did last time - well a bit less) BUT not be guaranteed a healthy (or any) baby after all of that (Of course, if we were successful first time (ha ha) we'd spend a quarter of that
2. Although we'd have to wait, it's the equivalent of my getting pg much sooner. Even if I got pg tomorrow - which obviously won't happen - I wouldn't have a 12 or 14 month old baby until 21 to 23 months time - nearly two years. If we adopted we'd be in that place about the same time. If it took us two years of treatment I might be 42 nearly 43 by the time i managed even to conceive.
3. No injections
4. No injections!
5. We'd be giving a home to a baby who might otherwise grow up in an orphanage.

The con is the money and the fact that i'd dearly love to be pg again and bring up a baby from newborn BUT i know how lucky I was to do that once. I should be grateful i've done it at all and at least I have. (I know i'll still yearn to do it again, but that's not necessarily the route i'm meant to follow.

If you've stayed with my ramblings, well done! Apologies for this but it's actually helped to clarify things a little for me.

Must go - have supper to prepare and all B's food for tomorrow as Mr G is on duty. I'm off to work in the morning !!

ps: Friend on bedrest is at home but cervix is shortening further. She's 27 weeks - i think - so i've everything crossed for her