I'm still out here - picture of babies at end of post

I read somewhere that 2011 would a year of great change for many people.

It has been for us and many of our family and friends. One of Mr G's cousins died of cancer aged only 30 something. My Auntie - in her 50's is also fighting cancer. More than one marriage - at least 10 years old is on the rocks.

But it's not all bad. As the overdone saying goes - change can be good.

We have moved home. We were bursting at the seams in our London apartment. KM and I were sharing, as were Mr G and B. Not great for a marriage nor for my sleep! In our new home we have a bedroom each. Well, KM and B do and Mr G and I are rooming together again. We also have stairs. I haven't occupied a home with stairs for many years - not since I lived with my Mum when I was 17. That's a LONG time ago. I like stairs.

As I sit typing, the sounds of sirens have been replaced with...(listens)...nothing much at all. Some horses whinnying (we back onto a field of horses) a few woodpigeons and the hum of our refrigerator. That's it. I like it. If it wasn't light so darned early - we don't yet have curtains in our bedroom - then we'd be sleeping really well. We're about 30 miles out of London in Hertfordshire. It only takes 30 mins or so to get back to our old place. I actually don't miss it at all - apart from my old friends, that is, and B's nursery.

B is now just short of 2yrs 8 months and KM will be 9 months tomorrow. She's a smiley, happy baby. The image of her father and a lot like B. Funny, I wrote during my journey that I wanted a baby with Mr G's eyes. I've got that baby now but she's a girl not a boy, which I hadn't imagined.

I'm still very much in touch with IF. I'm in no way wanting more children. We're done. Too old to do this again. But, as I've always been so open about our struggles, I have several friends who've told me that they're in a similar place. Sometimes, hearing how they're getting on brings back that pain. Not as strong as it's hard to imagine how bad that place was, but a moment of sadness.

I've also taken a new job. You may remember the job that I so nearly got just before IVF5 did the job. Well, by chance i've been offered (and taken) a job editing the food page of a newspaper. I wasnt' sure I could manage that, a tiny baby, a toddler and a house move, but here I am, with several pages under my belt. (Sometimes i can't believe the place i'm in)

Life sounds good, eh? Well, it is. The fly in our ointment, is our almost total lack of income, but no matter how tough life is financially, we know we've had our share of the jackpot with KM and B. Maybe we used up all our luck with them...?

I just have a feeling of impending doom. I think it's an IVF legacy. I was so happy before we discovered our IF. Then everything came tumbling down. I'm back to happy but I can't shake this feeling of 'something has to go wrong'...

I think that's enough for now. We have a family stomach flu and it's been a long day of mopping up sick whilst trying to recover myself. I need to get myself to bed.

I do have a question for you - if anyone's out there any more:

Have you signed up to any organisations that help(ed) you cope with IF or provided information about treatments, where to go, which clinic is best? Would you/did you pay for that sort of information? Is there enough out there in one place? Would a mentor have been useful? I'd be interested to know your thoughts.

Oh - a gratuitous photo of the little ones...KM rarely wears the 'chavband' but a friend took them for the shoot and that was how it was. It's cute and stops people thinking she's a little boy - which they often do, even when she's in pink!