Granny Smiths

Every morning, I slice a crisp, green Granny Smith apple in half. I then core and slice one half over my morning porridge. Every morning I forget that the apple has a little blue sticker on it and watch as the small pieces of apple dropping onto my steaming oats have tiny blue sticker remanants over some of them.

Why do the people who sell us the apples think we need a blue sticker? I don' t need a sticker to tell me it's a Granny Smith apple. If it's for those who don't know, then if you're not interested enough to work out what breed of apple you're buying, you're not going to care much anyway. All that the stupid sticker does is leave glue on my apple - probably - and end up in pieces over my breakfast. I make the same stupid mistake every day and have probably ingested a large amount of blue paper - wonder if that's bad for me?

Worse for me probably is the anxiety and frustsration my new drug of choice (?) is creating. I'm 6 mornings into my Buserelin regime. Overall, i'm not too bad. I've mastered the whole drawing up the drug/tapping the needle/air bubble thing - which always makes me feel like a medic or at least a fully paid up drug addict! The only effects that i've noticed are massive tiredness - really full on need to flop - and thirst - need to drink all the time. Otherwise, apart from some minor breast tenderness, all's good. My boy's on red alert for terrorist outbursts from me or perhaps some unwarranted and inappropriate sobbing, but...not wanting to speak too soon...all seems ok. I don't even have the bruises i inflicted all over my tummy last time. Obviously, it's very early days in my chemical menopause though.

I'm doing a daily half hour of relaxation - as prescribed by my MindBody course, and trying to make some me time. I seem to get enough me time really in any event.

Otherwise not a huge amount to report. This time I have a posse of IVF'ers around me going through the hoops. Two are ahead of me by a week or two, one (an FET) is almost the same start and another started her down reg at the same time as me. I think she may be a bit younger, but i'm not sure. It's comforting to have them alongside, but a little corner of my mind is scared that statistically, we can't all succeed. Who's going to get the luck this time? 2 have had (sadly failed) pregancies before, so my money's on them. My body wouldn't recognise a pregnancy if it came up and punched it in the ovaries.

I'm fairly relaxed about everything this time. I almost feel resigned to it not working, but do expect it to work on the third or fourth try. Not sure why I feel like that, but it does keep me calm. Maybe it's a protection mechanism. My boy reads these entries, and will go mad with me for my negativity. It's not total negativity, just a way of not expecting too much from this, my second foray into reproductive medicine.

Whilst the medical side isn't especially different this time, the mental side is better. There's the MIndBody course, weekly massage at home and acupunture. Annoyingly, my acupuncturist is off to India (what a cliche that is) for three weeks around the main even of this cycle without directing a needle towards a potential replacement. I'm on the hunt for a sub - and may well have found one - but am seriously unimpressed with her karmic feelings.

I'm now venting and rambling, so i'm off to lie with my relaxation CD for 30 mins. After the dim sum fest my boy and I just enjoyed, i think i may be snoring in minutes

xx