Kicking myself

I feel like the person I used to hate. Well, not 'hate' exactly, that's a bit strong. Perhaps 'resent' or maybe 'want to be a million miles from me'.

Two things have happened this week which have made me question my sensitivity. One I don't think was my fault. The other is only down to me, and I think i just got it wrong.

The first relates to a girl I see regularly around the suburb in which i live. I met her through a local Mum's group - her little boy is a couple of months younger than B. The majority of the other mothers I socialise with are falling pregnant. I'd suspected she was one of them. We were out a few weeks ago and she was off the alcohol - along with most of the others. Only 2 were drinking - and one of them was 18 weeks pregnant (!). Of course i said nothing to her - none of my business. I'd told her my news, as the others in our group knew and I didn't want her to feel left out. She gave me a huge hug and seemed genuinely happy for me.

Anyway, last week, after my scan, i'd shared my news with some other friends who didn't already know. She was there and was very quiet. I found out 2 days ago (from someone with a big mouth who should not have shared it with me) that she'd been pregnant and had had her scan that same week. There was no heartbeat. She's waiting for a D&C.

And there i'd been, telling my good news and chatting about my flipping pregnancy and the great scan. Damn, damn, damn. My big fat mouth!

After i'd heard the news, I thought about it overnight, asked for Mr G's advice, and decided to email her to tell her I knew and apologise for last week. She came back and said she'd have told me after it was all over but was very cross with the indiscretion of our mutual friend. (I think I got that wrong too - perhaps should've protected the confidence and not blabbed) I said I was here if she needed anything. Poor, poor girl.

The second bad communication was today. A friend has been worrying about her fertility. She conceived her son (now 3) on her first attempt. (Literally) This time it has been a few months, and she's fretting. At 38, I don't really think she needs to worry just yet - it could take a few months. (I'd still said she might as well get everything checked out, just in case) Anyway, bearing in mind it's a bit sensitive, I wasn't sure how to tell her my news. I thought I had to say something in case she found out from elsewhere. I didn't want to tell her to her face nor by phone, as I thought that would be harder for her to react to if upset.

Soooooo, I decided to tell her by text. (I've just read that and thought - IDIOT!) I really did think it would be kinder. WRONG! She responded to part of my text about meeting up, but totally ignored the pregnant bit. Mr G told he thought i'd got it wrong, so i texted again to apologise and explain. She left me a voicemail saying she thought it was a bit direct as a way of telling her but she was very pleased for us. (We've a history of miscommunication over the years. She hurt me a few times when we were struggling to conceive and she was happily with baby as she just didn't get how I felt.)

Am I my own worst nightmare? I feel like i'm becoming someone I wouldn't like. I don't want to jinx the good luck we've had. Spose i'd better think a bit before I act.

I'm sorry for the vent. I hoped it would help. Not sure it has....

Oh my, I had a sleepless night last night. So worried about how the New Passenger (NP) was going to perform today. Then my ex Passenger, my gorgeous boy, woke at 5.30am, chatting about this and that and calling for Daddy or Mummy, and that was that. We were awake with our minds racing.

We'd also had a minor fight over my PIO shot. It flipping hurt and I was sure a nerve had been hit. Mr G had to pull the needle out and put it in again. OUCH! I ended up sobbing dramatically whilst he administered my progesterone. Tensions were running high. (The good news is that was the last one - hurrah!)

After a mad morning, rushing to prepare B's breakfast & lunch, eat something myself, tidy the kitchen, make breakfast for my parents - who were coming to mind B - get a wash on and tidy up for my cleaning lady, we finally left home - only about 30 minutes later than planned. B managed to fall and bite his lip just before we went and extra time was spent mopping up blood and cuddling a sobbing baby.

It felt very peaceful to arrive at the swish scanning place. Weird to be returning.

First the bloods - where the blood letter told me that my risk would be worked out on my age when the embryo was created - 37 and not my ancient, current 41. Then, the scan. All looked good - when the sonographer (a very glamorous lady) was able to catch him or her not moving, that was. NP (measuring in at 63.3mm) was constantly on the move - which was nice.

The result - which i'm sure you're by now impatiently awaiting - was a stress relieving (for now anyway) risk for Down's of 1 in 2911 and 1 in 5377 for the other two Trisomies. Well done NP! Nuchal fold was 1.60mm. Advice was not to go for more invasive tests.

We also heard the little one's heart beating away at 154bpm and both struggled not to lose it. I could see Mr G trying to hold it together.

I'm so relieved but very aware we're just at the start. G-d has smiled down on us once again and we are so very grateful.

I went off to celebrate with the most delicious Blood Orange sorbet from an ice cream parlour close to the clinic. Yum!

All sorts

Sorry for not posting for a while. Lovely Betty M checked up on me from the depths of her new baby and post-op sick bed - get well soon my dear.

I've not felt terribly inspired, and when I do post, the comments have been few and far between, so I wasn't sure who's following really. I know Mr G follows me, but then he gets first hand info anyway.

I don't share my stuff just for the feedback but during my deepest darkest hours all your wonderful supportive comments and virtual hugs are what have kept me going. You ladies are very important to me. I'm just not sure who's out there any more.. I read a similar post from Thalia the other day. I'm not sure i ever built such a network as she has, but my little circle seems to have vanished into the ether.

Perhaps i've been AWOL too long to expect much feedback. Any is welcome.

Anyway, my news is that i'm 11 weeks and 1 day today. We had a scan this morning at the clinic and the new passenger (NP) is still there. Heart beating away. We saw fingers, toes and even a brain. Our 12 week Nuc.hal scan is booked for next Thursday 25th. Holding my breath and still not quite believing what's happening to us. Five fresh cycles to get B and one FET with one solitary embryo to get this far. Unreal. I have the odd moment of bubbling excitement in my tummy but try not to go with it. Too early. 41 year old me has even more hurdles to clear than 39 year old me did.

Been glued to a programme called 'One Born Every Minute' It's about a Labour Ward in a hospital - a fly on the wall documentary. I'm very aware I could not have watched it not so long ago - too painful - and that if this all goes wrong, then i will watch it no more. It has me in floods every week.

B continues to be adorable. Lots more words - he's a little parrot - and loads of smiles.

Holding my breath until this time next week. x

Praying and hoping

I can never think of an exciting title for my posts. I sit a while before writing and generally come up with something really boring. This time i thought i'd write first and see if something sprang to mind. (Most likely i'll forget and you'll get no title at all!)

Thursday's scan (at 9 weeks and 1 day) brought tears to my eyes for the first time this cycle. The little one has limb buds, big head, shrinking yolk sac (thankfully) a beating heart and even moved when the Doc nudged with the scanning wand. I think the moving was what brought my emotions up.

I exclaimed "I can't believe we've got this far". As usual, he brought me right back down to earth by frowning and reminding me that it's still very early days and that I shouldn't count my chickens just yet.

After the scan, undies and jeans back on and parked on a chair in front of him, I asked him how may people's pregnancies go wrong at this stage. He asked me why I was focussing on the negative and Mr G said it was because I was a pessimist. I laughed, but actually, if the Dr's didn't keep reminding me of all the negatives then perhaps I wouldn't. Any woman pregnant in the normal way would just assume all's well after seeing a heartbeat at this stage. We're simply not allowed to relax and enjoy! I suppose it's also down to my personality and the constant checks and scans, but if the Dr's were a little more hopeful, maybe I would be.

Having said all of that, i don't want to get lulled into too much security before we get to 12 weeks and a nuchal scan. I'll book that if all's well after this week's scan.

I'm still amazed by where I find myself.

This week's otherwise been fairly uneventful. B had his MM.R. I didn't really want to do it as we have 2 au.tistic cousins in my family and although I don't believe that MM.R does cause au.tism, i do worry that if there's a propensity it could tip the balance. Single jabs is not an option as they've run out of one of them - mumps I think. Not immunising is also not an option. If we didn't live so centrally then i might risk it for a bit longer.

Anyway, it's done now and i'm praying he's ok. At 16 months seems ahead of his peers. He has lots of words and understands loads. I hope that continues.

So this week, i'm praying for both my little ones. My gorgeous boy and the little one i'm hoping will be our second miracle.