Saturday, December 09, 2006

Pull yourself together

Mea culpa...its been a long time since my last update....

Mea culpa...i'm in danger of doing some serious damage to my marriage.

Both 'sins' are my almost totally letting myself give in to the misery that lurks just below the surface much of the time. I've been really trying to keep it at bay. I don't want this IVF to take over my life and I don't want to become one of bitter child obsessed women I used to take little interest in when reading my mum's magazines.

Two things have proved too much for me this fortnight:

Firstly - turning 38. THIRTY EIGHT!!! I was meant to be married with children approaching their teens by now, not still attempting to make a child!! I had an "i'm nearly 40 moment". I feel overweight, frumpy and (nearly) forty. I don't WANT to move into another statistical age group! With the treatment, i've stopped shopping taking care of myself. No new clothes. No facials. Too little exercise. That's an excuse actually as I've had WEEKS to put it right, but haven't had the desire? (btw, if you're reading this thinking how self pitying i've become, then i agree...even typing this makes me think, pull yourself together girl, just do it! Stop the comfort eating. Start exercising and get to the beautician!)

The second thing that's happened (and has totally finished me off) was been my only close friend in this boat giving me the most wonderful news. She has got herself pregnant!!! After more than 5 years of trying, 3 miscarriages, 2 unsuccessful IVF's and a lot of heartache, she conceived naturally and has safely got to 18 weeks! I'm SO happy for her. She's a very dear friend and someone who totally deserves this. She turned 40 this week and did has done this ON HER OWN!! GO GIRL! She told me with so much trepidation as she knows how it feels from the other side. I was ok at the time, but came home and sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed. I just couldn't shift the mood.

DH and I went out for dinner with close friends but I felt v quiet. We left the car behind to allow for a few glasses of mind numbing alcohol, but I didn't really even fancy a drink.

I still haven't even gone back to normal after the treatment! (more on that in a minute) I don't know when we're going to go again. This is SO hard. The silver lining is that if she can do it then so can i! Only problem is that it's not just about me and my aging eggs.....

Note - I wrote this last week, when in the midst of my self indulgent miserable phase. Despite now having some sort of a cold coming on, i'm feeling much more positive now. I'm going to publish this and then a new, more positive entry. Can't leave that sort of a vent on its own.

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