Vanilla Ice Cream

DH has returned from his travels. Lovely to have him home, but I actually wasn't too bad without him. I made lots of plans, worked and enjoyed having the flat to myself for a while! I thought i'd be the weeping wreck like I was when he went away for a weekend during the last cycle. Show how far i've come in my return to normality really.

I had quite a busy week. I had our first NHS (National Health Service ie: free) IVF appt on the Thursday he left and then, on Friday, a long chat with the Dr from the Hospital that diagnosed the abnormalities with his sperm NHS appt was fine. My auntie came with me to hold my hand - well, she met me there when I was finished and we had a chat and a coffee. I'm feeling more and more guilty with each coffee as I should be off it, but how many things can I give up in my life?! I've stopped the one a day habit and probably have one every other day now. I also have about 3 (large) glasses of wine a week now. Less than 6 units, but as soon as we get into the next treatment, I suppose that has to go to.

Anyway, I digress. The NHS appt was fruitful but with more dilemmas. Yes we're entitled. Our diagnosis is so clearcut that IVF is the only option. We'll be referred straight to the IVF unit, but have to have a raft of tests first. One test has a 3/4 month waiting list as they only do it on a Monday!! How rubbish is that! As Bank Holidays (public holidays) happen on a Monday, they lose whole days to do the test and the list just gets longer...

Once we're referred there's another wait of a few months before we can be seen. Although we're strictly entitled to 3 cycles, the cut-off age is 40, and with the waiting times, we won't get a three in during the two years i've got before the dreaded 'four-O"! We can go private to get some in more quickly, but if we do, we get one less free (on the NHS). They say that after 3 goes your chances of success reduce, so if we were to have (and admit to) three private treatments we'd lose our right to the NHS ones! It's SO unfair!

As the NHS one won't happen for several months, we want to try to fit another private one in first. We don't really want to have to tell them about that, so we'll have to try to fit in the tests around that. I need to have the hormone tests done some time after the cycle or they'll get some very strange results. IF the private cycles works (please, please, please) then all this will be irrelevant in any event. It's just all so complicated!

The sperm Dr basically told me we have no hope of doing this alone. He thinds, DH's sperm are abnormal because of a genetic problem. He was born that way, and no amount of vitamins, loose pants or brazil nuts are going to change things. The abnormal tails will always be that way! I was sort of ok about it, as if there's nothing we can do, we just have to relax and get on with the IVF.

Talking of relaxing, the relaxation course has been postponed a week. That's particularlyl UN-relaxing as I was really looking forward to getting relaxed! Now, i'm stressed about waiting another week AND it's one less week before the main event of the next cycle. Never mind. As DH says, it's really not worth stressng about.

I'm not sleeping v well at the moment. Not sure why. Maybe it's having a snoring DH back in the bed. Don't know really. Hope it doesn't last.

Anyway, I should finish this epic, as i'm in the middle of testing my new ice cream machine. I'm making vanilla ice-cream which, incidentally is also banned. This time by my acupuncturist. She says all iced things will be bad for my reproduction! I can (just about) deal with the fact that my chances of multiplying are reliant on thousands of pounds and a team of Dr's, but when ice cream, coffee, alchohol and who knows what else are off the menu, it's just too much!

I wanted to mention that I read that the chances of being a victim of crime in the UK are now 25% - not dissimilar to my chances of having a baby via IVF. There's a joke in there, but i'm not quite sure where at the moment, or if it'll be funny...with our luck, someone will steal our embryos.

I really will go now - only 20 mins until the BB final (Big Brother) and DH wants pasta to eat in front of TV - not to mention vanilla ice cream - but I need to share that despite being hormonally more or less back to normal, Cycle one seems to have left me with far worse PMT than I had before. I used to have one or two weepy days but now i have a series of terrorist-like ones. Far more unreasonable and churning anger inside. I'm not sure if it's perhaps anger about our situation. Either way, it's not great, but, as I'm actually looking forward to AF this month so I can get dates in the diary for countdown to Cycle 2!

Loads of love to and fingers crossed for Hopeful Mother xxx

Already so soon...

After such a long break, here I am again!

Its been a busy week. The appointment with the doc went well. He showed us the embryo charts that said our embryos had been top quality, which gave me a real boost. At least what we produced was good quality, even if they didn't stay there. He's hopeful that we're still in with a good chance. I have to have one more mid cycle scan - next month - and order the drugs - which he has given me a prescription for, and that's it!

The lady taking the relaxation group was really lovely. I'm looking forward to starting with the group and i'm sure it'll help. The Doc thinks it will and thinks i'll be more relaxed this time anyway, as I know what to expect. DH and I left the clinic in good spirits and went for our traditional post appt full fat meal and glass of wine.

Work has got really busy. I've been full on pretty much every day, writing reviews, teaching a lovely girl who's features editor of a really great magazine, doing a voice over for our cooking podcasts and being filmed by someone looking for a cookery show presenter. I'm not sure I want that job as it's just a bit too stressy for this point in time, but its been v interesting to hear about it all. There's lots in the work diary for the next few weeks.

DH is off to Egypt for a week tomorrow at the crack of dawn. He's going for work and really isn't looking forward to it. He's also missing our first NHS IVF appt. That's quite hard, but my auntie is going to come with me for moral support. I'm going to miss DH so much. It'll be the longest we've been apart! I'll use the time to catch up on my Sky+ stuff, to catch up with friends and do a bit of cooking. Aren't I the exciting girlie.

I'm proud of how far i've come up from the depths of the post cycle misery. I saw a pregnant friend tonight. She's waited 5 years for this, after 5 miscarriages and then 3 years with no pregnancies during which she had 3 failed IVF attempts. She decided to stop trying for a bit and guess what....fell pregnant. It's all about luck. That, and the fact that she's just about the nicest, kindest and most deserving person I know. Anyway...lets talk about me again!! Having spent an evening with her, I'm feeling absolutely fine and not in a miserable 'what about me' slump. Maybe that's more to do with the fact that she's 'one of us' and doesn't for one single minute take her pregnancy for granted.

I hope that I can be as nice a person as my friend has been throughout her years of suffering infertility. I really didn't realise from her how hard it is. She suffered graciously and in silence and never moaned once. I just babble on about it to all and sundry - whenever i get a chance.

Right - time to go and spend a few minutes with DH before he jets off to the sun. I'm really, really going to miss him

xx

Flippin rubbish blogger

I'm so cross. I wrote a huge entry recently and it has just VANISHED!! I switched from old to new blogger and it vanished during the move. HOW ANNOYING!!

I wish I could remember what I wrote!

Anyway, a quick update - as i'm meant to be working on my IVF diary entry for the newspaper we write for.

Enjoyed Christmas - apart from a couple of meltdown moment rows with DH over nothing at all really. Just both of us blowing off steam over the frustrations we're feeling. His job is at risk. His bosses are refusing to share their plans with anyone so no one knows where they stand. We'd like to move from our current home - my pre-marriage flat - to a new one we both own, but until we know about his work we can't. Add to that the IVF and problems planning anything with that hanging over us and it's no wonder we need the odd tantrum!

Other than that, we had a totally relaxing and gorgeous time. I put on 7lbs!!! Desperately trying to lose them now.

I've now had my 2 periods - actually 3 since the failed cycle - and i'm allowed to try again this month. I NEVER thought i'd say this, but i've decided to wait a month. I'm scared to fail again. At the moment i'm so stressed - i'm sure it won't work, so i've decided to wait until next month. In the meantime, i'm going to take a mind and body relaxation course at our clinic. By the time we get to transfer i'll have had 7 out of the 10 sessions and will have a network of support buddies too.

We're seeing our doctor today and i'm meeting the relaxation teacher for a pre-course assessment. I'm really looking forward to getting some tools to deal with my stress and to meeting a group of girlies in the same (IVF) boat.

Better get back to writing. Work has gone mad! Great, but not good for the new relaxed me I want to become!

Happy New Year to all of you and good luck - lets end this year pg or on the way xx