Monday, August 13, 2007

66 today

My father would have been 66 today. He died 4 years ago - about a month short of his 62nd birthday. Today, I went with my (half) sister and my uncle - Daddy's older brother to visit his grave, which is near the graves of my grandma and grandpa, his parents. It would have been grandma's birthday later this week.

I'd like to paint a rosy picture of our wonderful relationship but this is the place I tell it like it is, warts 'n all. Truth is we fought quite a lot. Bad stuff happened just before he died. He had married a lady who didn't like me very much. It made things very difficult between us.

Although Daddy and I WERE speaking at the end I was left with a lot of "stuff" and in a dark place. It took therapy and meeting my wonderful husband to get me through the next couple of years but this is never a great time of year. The way he left things means i'll never be able to forget what happened.

Having said all of that I still miss him every day and wish he was here. He was a handsome, generous and vibrant man who was a lot of fun and well liked by many people. They told me when he'd gone how proud he'd been of me. Wish he'd told me that.

Whilst i'm being miserable, a quick moan about my weight. I'm bigger than ever and, since the IV.F it now seems to sit around my middle. I've never carried my weight there before and it's the WORST! I'm about 20lbs heavier than I was at our wedding in Apr 06, but, however much I hate how I look and how my clothes feel, I still haven't found the will power to do anything about it. Every day I start with good intentions and a healthy bowl of fruit or porridge. Every night that will has evaporated in the face of whatever snack has hijacked me. I know it's down to me to do something about this but it feels like just one more unwelcome hurdle in.fertility has brought with it. I just don't seem to be able to do it. I AM exercising a bit though - a speedy walk or run/walk for 30 mins five or six times a week - so hopefully i won't get even heavier.

Anyway, enough self pity - which I think is possibly wrapped up in a dose of good old PMT.

On the brighter side, the wasp sting's all better and i'm getting through my work ready for our week away. We're taking a v early flight on Wednesday to Ali.cante. The house we're staying in is 90 mins from there. It's v remote and should be perfect for 7 days of total relaxation. I've lots of work bits to finish off tomorrow as well as a manicure and pedicure at the end of the day - looking forward to a bit of pampering.

Hope all goes well for those of you in treatment and those waiting for news find yourselves in a good place



Anonymous said...

Birthdays and anniversaries are always so hard when someone is gone. I know how hard these times are.

I hope you can find some peace in knowing how proud your Dad is of you. It is hard when things are left unsaid. I know.

Enjoy your much deserved vacation!

Bea said...

So sorry you've lost your father.


tricia said...

You're going through a very stressful time in your life so don't dump on yourself too much. It's normal to focus on the glass as half empty and keep going back to dark thoughts about difficulties with relationships and weight issues when times are tough. I usually find myself falling into negative thought patterns on my walk home from work, or at night in the shower. I guess those are my critical moments in the day when I'm tired and don't have the energy to be positive. Anyway, I know it may sound crazy but sometimes i repeat buddhist style "om" sounds in the shower to relax and distract myself, or when walking home I try to plan something, a recipe or project to keep my mind occupied. I think you have to do as many good things for yourself as possible during tough times. And, more power to you for exercising regularly!

Becks said...

Hope you are feeling ok. I read your previous post about your Dad and I just cant comprehend how you begin to live properly again. You seem to deal with things really well.

I hope the break in Spain is doing you the world of good, that you come back refreshed and ready to ride the rollercoaster again.

Foreverhopeful said...

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your father and that the annivesary is bringing up painful times. Hang in there and enjoy your vacation.