Rockin all over the world!

It's been so long since my last entry I actually started to put off writing.

When I got back from Spain I was too busy with work to even go near my laptop. I did check out a few of my girls to see how they were doing and lurked a little but didn't feel up to sharing my stuff yet. Once the work was out the way I was busy with some bad stuff that happened to one of my MindBody girls - more on that later. Then I just couldn't face diving back into IF world. In a funny sort of way perhaps I was pretending to be normal.

Anyway, I checked in today to catch up and found i'd been nominated by Becks as a Rockin Girl Blogger. Thanks so much Becks! Its been too long and i've missed all you girls. So much has happened - good and bad. I'll keep it to bullet points so I don't bore you all to tears!

* Spain was a great break overall. We stayed in a huge house in a really remote area. It was SO quiet, all you could hear was the sounds of nature. We went to bed early and were up to see the sun rise on several mornings. Mr G did end up working a lot of the time (meaning I read 4 novels) but there were times when we got to remember what we loved (love) about each other. We drank - probably a bit too much - wine and laughed loads. Here's a pic of where we'd sit and drink wine and of me striding around the hills trying to exercise....
see how deserted it is....

* N.HS appointment - we finally had our appt. Its taken 18 months to get that far. (For those not schooled in UK Healt.hcare, the N.HS (Na.tional Health Service) is supposed to provide free healthca.re for all. It doesn't work quite like that) Waiting lists are so long you end up moving to the private sector to get treated. Anyway, first they put us in a room with mothers and their screaming children to wait for 30 mins to see the consultant. Then, when we were called, the consultant - who we'd been told was a Mr was a woman. Only when I asked what was going on did she explain she was standing in for the proper consultant who'd had to be somewhere else. I'm embarassed to say that I lost it. We've waited EIGHTEEN MONTHS to see this doctor during which time my FSH has gone from 7 to over 12 and they couldn't even find a consultant to see us!

The stand-in lady said we could leave if we wanted but we decided to stay. She took some details - all of which she should have had. They'd lost Mr G's SA results - which had been taken at that hospital.

After 10 minutes the consultant appeared and the stand-in told him we weren't happy. He asked why and I burst into tears. I said - in a really embarassing teary way - how long we'd waited and how disappointed we were. He told the stand-in to refer us and to do some tests. He told us that my FSH meant our chances were "very slim", told me (still snivelling) to "be positive" and left. I HATE how desperate this whole situation has made me.

And it gets worse.... We went to see another lady who could tell us how long the waiting list for treatment is now we're finally on it. She told us the first slot she has for the borough we live in is next March. March 2008. I'll be 39 by then! I explained (no tears by now) that my FSH was shooting up and how old i'd be. She said she'd see if she could find a cancellation. WHO CANCELS IVF THEY'VE WAITED 2 YEARS FOR TREATMENT??!!! I'm not holding my breath. She'll let us know when she's back from her holiday next week.

If you're confused. I have already had th.ree cycles. Luckily we have the funds to pay for private treatment. We can't pay for indefinite treatment but we have managed to scrape together enough for this. If we didn't have any money then the N.HS would have stolen my last chance at trying for a baby. It stinks. Maybe i shouldn't even be taking this free cycle as i'm possible taking it from another girl who can't pay for any for herself.

The end result of all of this was two or three days of feeling totally in the depths. As we walked back to our car i had a huge lump in my throat and an empty hole in my heart. I'm just not sure how much more of this misery I can put myself through. I know I can't give up but it's just so painful.

That's enough for tonight - only so much I can inflict upon you in one go.

I'll write again tomorrow with my rockin girl bloggers xx