Sunday, October 28, 2007

My centenary!

Well, well, well. One hundred posts chronicling my quest to be a good J.ew and go forth and multiply.

One hundred cheery missives on the life of an infertile and just look at how little has changed. If anything, it's got bleaker and bleaker at this end. The further down the line we go, the further away we seem to be from our goal. The more we do, the less good we feel. It's the opposite of everything i've learned in life. I could put all my efforts into this - and have done really - and I still wouldn't be able to change the outcome. Hard work just makes no difference. It's not an exam or a diet or an exercise regime.

As you might have guessed I'm less then cheery. I haven't been able to bear to follow up the last happy post with life as it really is. I've just had a huge meltdown and the wonderful Mr G has walked in with a bar of G.alaxy - best choc there is. He knows the way to my heart!

I think i'll do a bullet point run down of the last couple of weeks - too much for you to read otherwise:

* Most recent L.upus diagnosis from specialist is that I don't have it. Will need steroids for next IVF attempt though.

* Have tested positive for one type of the NK cells, but apparently not one to be too bothered about - CD3's. THey can also indicate issues like L.upus.

* New clinic will treat me. Have said my chances are rubbish - but based on the Ov.arian St.ress Test (and I can tell you my ovaries, like the rest of me, are pretty f-ing stressed at this point), my A.MH and an.tral count - the stats are up from 3% to 10-15% - Woo Hoo!! Yay for the stats!!! Cheery lady doc at new clinic said "we will treat you but you must remember that your chances are really low". NOW I feel totally postive!

* For the record, i think i prefer male docs. Cheery lady doc is too pretty and young and I spend my time looking at her thinking I bet she's not going to have any reproductive issues.

* As cheery lady doc was a bit dismissive of us, we arranged to see head honcho doc - who'd been away at a conference when we got our test results. We went in to speak to the nurse about starting meds for this cycle that day. BUT when we saw the head honch, he had more news. Mr G's hormones are up the spout, well, his LH is and they've suggested a 3 mth course of Men.opur for him!!! When i'd stopped smirking at the thought of him injecting 3 times a week for 3 mths, i realised that means we can't try again until J.anuary!!! They think we should throw everything at this cycle and make it our last. I'm worried about both of us being on these drugs and wasting 6 months (as it will be by then) of my reproductive life waiting for treatment...

* All this news has thrown me into a huge, and I mean HUGE, cavernous depression. I've been taking D.HEA for almost 4 mths and will that all be to waste if I don't cycle now? I can't bear to wait another 3 mths AND I don't want this to be my last cycle.
I know the choice is ours, but OMG this is now SO hard. MR G and i are in a total spin. I feel we're on an endless miserable journey to who knows where...
On the real life front, i've been working really hard. A chef friend and I did a market on Saturday. We sold ginger and choc chip biscotti, choc orange biscotti, chutneys, fruit butters and cake and browines. It went ok but not fantastic so we'll have to do it again to off load all of our jars of produce! I'm also looking at buying a cafe with the same chef friend and with my Un.cle, who's a genius businessman. V exciting but also v scary.

Read Lolly Winston's book and really enjoyed it. For those not on the Barren Bitches book tour - who've just read it - the book Happiness Sold Seperately and it's an easy (in parts) but emotional (much of the time) book about a couple's marriage issues after infertility. I laughed and cried. I'm book-less at the moment so if anyone has a recommendation - probably not an IVF related novel this time - that'd be great!The cover of my book looks different to this - maybe the En.glish reprint.
Oh, my brother and his wife had their third, a little boy. I'm pleased for them but (witch that i've become) seem to have run out of the ability to be truly happy for other people's reproductive success. I wish they lived near 'cos i might get to enjoy my gorgeous niece and nephews.

So, time to go and watch S.trictly Com.e Dancing - the sparkling, sexy high point of my week!

Good luck to Andi over at Minimenow - i really hope this works for you sweetheart - and to Almamay at Almamay's Infertilty Journey. Do go and support them in their waits. I'm thinking of you both x


Leah said...

I was just getting ready to contact you today to ask if you were alive, I was worried about your absence.

Glad to hear that you are alive, but not glad to hear that you are having a rough time. That's a lot of medical data to process, and a lot of doctors that you've consulted. I will pray for you that this is ALL worth it very, very soon.

truculent.girl said...

Not sure what you like reading- Lindsey Davis has a new one out, Saturnalia. The Historian is great and I just finished Roma by Steven Saylor.

I'm sorry about the wait - I hate waiting, always felt like I could hear the tick, tock of my eggs in every quiet moment.

Bea said...

There you are!

Well, glad things are moving ahead, I guess, but it does sound quite slow and complicated. Hopefully you're getting closer and closer to your goal with each step, not further away.


JJ said...

Sorry for the dark place you feel that you are in. I know those dark places all to well, and its not fair that we cant all meet in those places and have a good laugh--and some wine just to make things better=)
Baby steps (no mean pun intended) are hard to deal with--Im hoping that these steps are all positive ones!

Almamay said...

I'm sorry the next cycle is further away than planned. It is absoloutly gutting. Keep strong and keep busy. ((hug)) Thanks for looking after me.

Foreverhopeful said...

So glad to hear from you. I know sometimes our head wants to have this great plan to feel better and get of our dark place.. but its alot easier said than done. I've been there many times and I'm so sorry to hear you are there. I know what it feels like. But hang in there and be gentle to yourself and slowly take steps to healing. You will get there slowly. Sometimes I feel like I take a small step forward and something happens and I take a huge step backwards.... BUT I know slowly but surely.. I'm healing and I'm going to reach my goal. Having to wait sometimes just makes it even harder. Hugs to you and just know you're not alone. Thinking of you.

sasha said...

Hello Portia,

I am a new reader to your blog and our situations are eerily similar (hence my interest!). I am almost 38 and have had two failed fresh and one failed frozen IVF cycle. Original issue (or so I thought) was tubal failure - two ectopics and now tubeless.

A year ago today I was pregnant and happy and now my whole life has gone to sh*t, and you are so right, people teach you that is you try hard you will get success but it doesn't always work that way and that is a tough lesson.

My main reason for writing this comment is to let you know that I believe that by finding you have immune issues, you may have found hope. By which I mean, there could be a very real and very treatable reason why IVF hasn't worked for you. I realize there are other issues, but being on a steroid throughout your cycle could very much be your key to success. I was baffled why my IVFs weren't working (although my FSH has been on the high side) and for my next cycle I will be doing antibiotics, steroids and IVIg - basically they are throwing the entire immune treatment bucket over me as it were. Although I am still absolutely terrified that this next cycle won't work, at least I know that having this treatment will probably give me a better chance, and I think it will for you too.

As for other, 'fertile', people having babies - enough with them!!!! I can't feel happy anymore, I just feel angry and sad. Just found out my 27 year-old relative had their fourth baby today. Great. Thanks for sharing.

Wishing you well.


Becks said...

Congrats on the 100th post. Sorry that things are very tough and confusing for you and Mr G at the moment. Waiting is just torture, could you go ahead with a cycle now anyway?

Thinking of you.

Baby Blues said...

Looking forward to more posts! And hopefully the post that we all long to write.

I would love to hear about the cafe you plan to buy. I hope it pushes through.