Sunday, October 07, 2007

Maybe the big man ain't home...

...because he hasn't paid any attention to my prayer.

This week has been big time UP and DOWN. My return to the scarey clinic was less scarey. All my hormones checked out fine. I even ovulated this month - as always - for what that's worth. I booked myself in for a hysteroscopy - because they said it was essential and I figured i'd be a good girl so they can work their magic. Feeling positive.

That was Monday. On Tuesday (straight after carting 14 types of hummus to a newspaper so they could taste it and I could write them an article about it) Mr G and I went for a consultation at another clinic. We're becoming full blown clinic whores.

The Dr there a tall Italian in scrubs read through our fat file of info and asked a few questions. Then he gave us his view. A three percent chance of IVF doing the trick for us. With my knackered eggs and Mr G's poor tired sperm, the tall Italian, felt we might need to look at other options.... He didn't want to take our money if the odds were so stacked against us.

OK.

He did agree to do some tests (which at a few hundred pounds would be cheaper than the hysteroscopy at the other clinic) to assess what my poor ovaries are capable of and how many eggs might be lurking in there. If the results are ok he'll let us have a go with him. You'll be proud of how well I held it together. Mr G fully expected a hysterical meltdown and kept rubbing my shoulder supportively, but I really was ok. It's hardly a earth shattering news after our last three cycles.

He suggested egg or sperm donation might help us out and explained in more detail than any other doc has so far just WHY my eggs might be struggling. That was unwelcome but helpful.

After we left i had a minor meltdown in the car and when we went out to dinner later - to review a local restaurant - the tears kept on coming. Mr G and I had a huge row about donation - he can't even contemplate going that way and i'm more open to it. I WANT TO GIVE BIRTH TO OUR CHILD DAMMIT!! He'd rather adopt. Suddenly, we could see a big gaping hole ready for our fledgling marriage to fall into. It was and is frightening.

We woke up on Wednesday both feeling flat and gloomy. It was perhaps, the lowest day i've had of this journey.

But that was not all the big man has rewarded me with this week! On Friday, my doctor rang with the results of my immune bloods. Forgot to mention I had them done too.The Killer cell tests and various others. 17 tubes of blood! Anyway, my Anti Nuclear Antibodies (whatever they are) are sky high. High ANA's at the level mine are at are an indicator for...wait for it...Lupus.

Fabulous. So, not only am i unlikely to conceive with my husband't sperm and my eggs but i may have a horrible disease! Excellent. I actually am not too panicked by it. I feel fine. My doc said it's unlikely but they're testing some of the blood they already have and will let me know. She told me not to panic so many times, i started to get more nervous! The only good thing is that perhaps that might have affected the first three IVF's. I may need steroids if I go again.

So, I sit here tonight unsure what to think. We've had a good weekend - we say M.ichael Clayto.n - and two hours of G.eorge C.looney is enough to cheer anyone up. I LOVE that man. We also had the BEST lunch at a Persian restaurant in M.arylebone. Really gorgeous food. I'll deal with the ANA's and whatevers as and when.

Well done all you BFP's! I'm delighted for Leah, Erin and Bea - go girls! xxx

12 comments:

Waiting Amy said...

Wow, that's a lot to take in for you P. Hope you're handling it okay. Hang in there!

Almamay said...

Portia, I'm so sorry you've had such a difficult week. I hope next week brings some much needed solutions and answers. x

Bea said...

What a week. That sounds lame. So many different options and opinions to weigh and consider. I hope you can sort through it all together and come to some agreement you're both happy with. And then... I hope it goes very, very well.

Bea

andi said...

Sending you lots of strength - from one strong woman to another!!
xx

JJ said...

Portia--what a week....I am so sorry you have had such a roller coaster. I hope that the karma gods are remembering you this week!!

Chili said...

I'm sorry you've had such a rough week. I hope you get some answers soon.

Knock Me Up said...

Oh man, Portia, I don't even know where to start. You certainly got smacked around more than a bit this week. The possible lupus, the you've got poor eggs conversation, and the disagreement with your guy would be enough to knock anyone down for a while. I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could say that would let you know how much I hope you are okay.

Jo said...

Oh damn.. kick you when you are down.. I am so sorry...
As a fellow Lupeser(?) I was told I would need hep*rin if I was to get pregnany again among other meds..
I hope it all settles down and works out for you.

CAM said...

I think you will both be able to work through these tough decisions and come to a decision that you are both good with. That will just take time. These are life changing decisions we have to make, have some heart to heart talks and see where you end up. We are here for you to lean on anytime.
:)

Searching said...

Arg. I'm so sorry to hear about, well, ALL of it! I sure hope you got a nice meal after the vampires sucking away 17 vials of blood. That's alot to watch get snitched away. I'm very sorry to hear about the possible lupus. I've got a crappy body to deal with too. Feel free to come vent away anytime you need to.

Pamela Jeanne said...

Our bodies and the biology that drives them are a never ending mystery. Just when we think we understand how to tackle one issue, another comes screaming on the scene. I marvel at how anyone ever manages to conceive. Wishing you well...

Dianne/Flutter said...

Wishing you many good solutions to your current obstacles.