Tuesday, July 08, 2008

I miss you Daddy

I'm writing this in a local cafe as my flat is STILL infested with builders and smells to high heaven of chemicals. I slept badly last night because of the smells and my concern that it might be harming TP. They should be gone soon.

I'm feeling even more sad today. On this Tuesday 8th July 2003, my Daddy left me. He died of pancreatic cancer and I miss him. I wish he was here to be excited for our pending arrival. I wish he was here to laugh and joke with Mr G. I wish he was here to advise me on life matters - even if the advice is unsolicited. I wish he was here to give me a hug. I even wish he was here to give me a hard time. I just wish he was here.

I'm heading up to see him - well, his gravestone - later on. I'm going with Mr G and with my Uncle - Daddy's brother, who misses him as much as I do. They were very close and he often says how he thought they were going to grow old together.

I have a photo of me and my Daddy taken when I was a baby. I'll scan it in when the builders are out of my hair.

On another sad note, i spoke to my friend, S, who has lost her babies, yesterday. She is so brave. She has been through 2 labours in one week. She has been through 2 IVF's. She has lost 2 babies. She said all of that would be fine if she was leaving hospital with even one of her little ones.

I asked her if she was going to try again. I know it's too soon to know but she said something that had us both sobbing. She said that she feels that all this time she was calling for her babies and was praying for them, she knew what she was calling and praying for. She said that these two little ones WERE her babies and who she'd been praying for. They came and now they're gone. She doesn't know who else there is for her.

Her tiny perfect girl was alive when she was born. She wriggled and moved in S's arms. She was just a few days short of the magic 24 weeks when the Dr's would at least have tried to save her. I can't make any sense of it at all. I wish I could have made it better for her. I was almost without words.

I'm so very sad today.


Waiting Amy said...

Oh P, I'm sorry you are having a sad time. Hoping you can enjoy some of the sweet memories with your dad and have a peaceful visit.

Sweet Georgia said...

I'm sorry you're having to miss your Dad today - cancer is such a horrible disease. I lost my Grandfather to it alomst 15 years ago and I still miss him every day. My DH lost his mother to it when he was 16 - too young to have had to deal with that.

About your friend who lost her twins, how tragic. A co-worker of mine lost her twins at 8 months. I can't imagine the grief that either of these strong women are going through.

soapchick said...

Portia - Your father sounds like he was a wonderful man. Thank you for sharing a little bit about him with us. I'm so sorry that he is no longer with you physically, but I'm certain he is looking down on you and TP from heaven.

I'm also so sorry about your friend. There truly are no words to comfort the pain and life is so unfair. Only time and distance will lessen the pain, but it takes a long time. My prayers are with you both.

M said...

Hey Portia. I'm so sorry you are missing your Dad. It's hard, isn't it? I lost my Dad in 2002 to sudden heart failure. There was no warning & I didn't get to say goodbye. I don't think the pain of a loss of someone as close as your parent ever goes away. You just get more used to it...

And those life milestones are so hard. You miss them more at those times. I can only hope he is watching down on you & your little one-to-be, with a smile on his face. I hope he sees everything.

Take care.

My Reality said...

Anniversaries like this can be so painful. This year marked 15 years since my dad died, and it is shocking that it has been so long. He may not be here in body, but his spirit is watching over you and TP.

Carrie said...

I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time. I am sure that you would do anything to have your dad meet TP, it seems sad it won't be.

And your poor friend, I just can't think why things like this have to happen. Just so very wrong. My heart goes out to her. It must also be so difficult for you to help her through this. What she said about her babies makes such sense.
Thinking of you both x

Almamay said...

I'm so sorry you are so very sad. I'm in a similar place at the moment. Sending you love through the internet. x

Betty M said...

I hope that your visit went well and you got to share lots of lovely memories with your uncle. Anniversaries are hard.

Your poor friend. I don't know if your friend reads blogs but there are some great ones written by women who have suffered losses like hers - perhaps they might give her some solace? I can send some links if you like.

Bea said...

So much tragedy.

I hope your visit to your father was peaceful.

As for your friend, thoughts to her.


Bee Cee said...

SO so sorry about your friend, what a heartbreaking story.

And a virtual hug for you, it must be so tough without your Dad.