We have a future...adoption considered

That'll teach me for taking so long to finish off my last entry. In the time i've been away many of my Rocking Girl Bloggers have already been awarded their colours.

For the record, my choices are:

Meredith asking Someone Please Knock Me Up who's brave open and honest and up there with me in the age stakes

CAM and her Infertility Diary who's managed to see the positive side of life despite being surrounded by reproducing couples

Becks whose waiting for her Once Miracle Needed, a bright and bubbly addition to the IF blogging scene

Leah whose Tales from my Dusty Ovaries makes me laugh and gives me hope and whose advice and support has been invaluable

Forever Hopeful over at Wishing it would get easier another strong lady who deserves success

Amy R at When will you have kids who's another bright and bubbly blogger and a helpful and supportive reader.

All these girls have been there with kind words and a (virtual) hug during my time struggling with IF. I could mention loads more girls who've been my support over the last year or so. May we all make it to the other side! I'm sorry I can't link directly to their sites. I must sort out some blog training - from someone more technically able - a 10 yr old would probably be able to teach me!

I was going to finish off my holiday news, but i'm not sure there's much more to say about that, so i'll move on to more recent goings on.

Future:

We've decided to switch to with "Best Results Expensive Conveyor Belt Clinic" - which we'll refer to from now on as CB Clinic for our next try. I have a monitored cycle next month. They'll only go ahead with treatment if your FSH is less than 10. I just hope mine drops a bit and i'm taking Vit B6, Agnus Castae (when I remember), DHEA, Coenzyme Q10 and other vits to try to bring it down. I rattle when I walk! I'm also going to try acupuncture to see if that helps. Anyone know of any other stuff I can try?

To keep costs down, a friend (a Dr and fellow IVF-er) is going to do the NK cells and other blood tests I need. They'd be almost 1000 pounds at CB Clinic but she'll get them done for less than half the price. We're so lucky to have such kind people in our world.

We've told Dr Big Hair (our -now - old doc) that we're moving on. I told him he's the best Dr we ever have been treated by and we're really sad to be leaving him. He called and said he fully supports our decision and is there to help us whatever we need. He's going to get me some advice on DHEA and run the NK cell results past his colleague who's an expert in that field. We're so going to miss him.

Adoption:

I'm feeling really positive at the moment. I think it's because of a conversation I had on Friday. I met up with a girl who has 2 adopted children. She married at 25 and went through 5 IVF's in her late twenties. The first produced identical QUADS that she was told could not go to full term so they selectively reduced and lost them all. She had no more success and after 5 gave up. She knew she wanted to be a mum so started the adoption process the day IVF 5 failed. She eventually adopted a boy and later, a girl from Russi.a and is SO happy. She's in her mid thirties and she said she's now happy the IVF failed because if it hadn't then she'd never have found her two. She doesn't grieve having a child and loves her children so much she's brimming with it.

For the first time, i believe that we're going to be ok. If we can't make a baby then maybe we could adopt. It's ridiculously expensive and seems to take ages - 18 mths or more, but it's an option. There are so many thoughts in my head about it and there are loads more than this, but my initial thoughts are:

Minusses: Alway grieving not ever feeling a life growing inside me, not being able to tell Mr G and those I love that i'm pregnant, not seeing Mr G (or my family genes) in my child, not feeling like a real mother. Not to mention the cost and time to wait.

Plusses are: No (or at least far fewer) worries about a baby with disabilities, no stretch marks (no more that is), no dangerous pregnancy and childbirth. A real live baby at the end of all of this pain. (Of course, if we're found to be good candidates that is)

I still hope that cycle 4 is the one for us, that they can find out why 6 healthy embryos didn't stay with their mummy and that they make the next ones stick.

But if they can't and if they can't help us produce our own child, now I know that there is another option. I'm not ready to go there yet but now when I look at people with push chairs and buggies, at parents with toddlers, it doesn't have to hurt so much, now that I can believe that'll be us.

Oh, i've joined Wei.ght Watc.hers - for the third time in my life! I've tipped the scale at my heaviest ever and it's enough already. I'm starting to take control back.

I think that's all I have to tell for now. I was going to share some pics of a 3rd birthday party I catered recently, but Mr G's updated my i-photo and i can' t work it out. I've an episode of Brothers and Sisters to watch now so i'll be back with the pics - I hope!

xx