Sunday, September 30, 2007

Are you there G-d it's me, Portia

(apologies to Judy Blume - how great were her books!)

Are you there G-d? It's me, Portia. I think you and I need to have a talk.

I've been patient (some of the time) and accepting (every so often) that you have a grand plan for Mr G and I. Why else would you have brought us together if you didn't have some end game in mind? You want us to go forth and multiply, but you're not making it very easy.

Maybe you just want us to learn to be better people or to really want children before we become parents. Well, i'm really trying. I pick up rubbish, I help people out, I bake cakes for sick people, remember birthdays, try not to bitch and moan and generally try to pay it forward. I eat healthy food, I've almost given up wine and I'm filled with guilt for every coffee I drink and each sugar filled snack I munch on.

Perhaps we're meant to be better before you'll hear us? We've prayed in s.hul regularly - if i'm honest, more regularly) than we ever would have done if we hadn't been in this position. So why, just after i'd lit Friday night candles did you reward me with a random phone call from a (not all that close) friend telling me she's just had an (unplanned) baby at 24yrs old. I"m happy for her, but what was that all about?

Or is it you don't think we're ready as a couple to bring any little Mr G's or Portia P's into this world? Well, we've done the counselling and we've more than managed to hold onto our relationship through two years of heartbreaking infertility. We're still in love despite us both having to watch Doctors poking and prodding me and endure my hormones going up and down like a yoyo. Have we not yet proved we're in this for the duration?

It could be that you want to see just how far you can push us? I think you've proved your point. I'm still standing despite watching countless friends and acquaintances have babies. You've given my brother three, THREE, and i'm still smiling to the outside world. Am I meant to be truly happy in my heart about other people's good fortune? I really do try.

But you see, i'm feeling totally and utterly miserable. I rush around keeping busy - looking for new business ideas, doing good deeds for my more fertile friends, smiling and chatting about my treatment like it's all ok. Even I can kid myself on occasions that i'm ok. But if I let the mask slip, if I forget to be happy for just a moment, then I remember how my heart is breaking. Then the tears burn, just behind my eyes, ready to come gushing out. If I let go, i'm not sure i'll be able to stop.

So I'm just wondering, G-d, what your plan is for me and Mr G. In fact, I wonder what you intend for all of us girls who you're trying and testing? Are we the poster girls for "why you shouldn't leave it too long"? Or do you allocate only a certain number of children to the world. Have our children been used up by our more bountiful siblings? Mr G and I have 5 and nearly 6 nieces and nephews. Are they our allowance?

I wish I knew and understood, G-d. I"m really, really trying, but it's getting so hard. I just want a baby to hold and take care of. Someone to call me Mummy and hold my hand and snuggle up to me. I'll do whatever I can, whatever you want from me.

Perhaps I just have to get on with accepting this and forget trying to do anything at all about it. Maybe I need to trust that you will help us in your own good time and in the meantime we just need to relax and get on with our lives. I wish it was that easy.

Portia P


Anonymous said...

I hope someone is listening.

(And I loved Judy Blume books growing up.)

Bea said...

If I could answer your questions, well, that would make me G-d, wouldn't it? And obviously, nuh-uh. So all I can do is hope you can work it out eventually, one way or another.


Almamay said...

Heartbreakingly beautiful post. I could relate to every word. My thoughts are with you.
(another Judy Blume fan)

M said...

I too can relate to this post Portia - I hope He hears you and answers your prayers very, very soon... x

JJ said...

First, I love Judy--shes the best!

Second, BEAUTIFUL post Portia--I think many of us have had (and have often!) conversations in our head/heart with God about what THE BIG PICTURE is...its frustrating...and heartbreaking. I hope there are clear signs for you soon!

andi said...

Aw hon - I have not the slightest doubt you will be a lovely mummy. Keep going - it will be worth the pain.

Knock Me Up said...

Oh Portia, this post resonates loudly within me. I too feel that I'm laughing and smiling and keeping up a good front with all the IRL peeps who know about our IF but it is horrible to keep doing it. I'm so sorry and I too hope someone other than us is listening.

cysterincali said...

i too can totally relate to your post. all we can really do is keep praying and hoping ... baby dust to you! hope you get a BFP soon. btw, if you don't mind - i linked your blog on mine. let me know if it's not ok and i'll delete it.

Foreverhopeful said...

Loved this post. This is exactly how I feel. I relate to every word. I know its hard to understand and so many times I have felt like my prayers are the only ones being ignored. But I want to have faith there is a bigger plan for all of us. I wish I knew the answers but I hope you know you're not alone. I'm there with you wondering and asking the same things. Hugs to you.

Pamela Jeanne said...

Hello Portia. Found you and your blog as a result of the Chain Link Blogging Week -- making my way from Bea's site. As one who's read Judy Blume's works over the years, I have to say you've put together a powerful post here. Like you, I'd like some of those answers. I'll put you on my blog reader to learn how the answers sort out for you. Would love for us all to get some good insights along the way.

Baby Blues said...

Well said. I need to have a one-on-one, heart-to-heart talk with Him too.

Beagle said...

Here via pamela jeanne.

I also loved Judy Blume books. I also asked G-d why. (why not, why me, are you there???? etc . . . )

What a beautiful post, painful, but so true.

Kami said...

Hi. I'm here following Pamela Jeanne's post about Lori's Chain Link Blogging Week.

I'm sorry that it is so hard. It is not fair and it can sure make you question your reality.

Kathy V said...

I came via the creme. That was a well phrased conversation with God. I think I need to do that too. I loved Judy Blume books growing up too. Thanks for this post.