(apologies to Judy Blume - how great were her books!)
Are you there G-d? It's me, Portia. I think you and I need to have a talk.
I've been patient (some of the time) and accepting (every so often) that you have a grand plan for Mr G and I. Why else would you have brought us together if you didn't have some end game in mind? You want us to go forth and multiply, but you're not making it very easy.
Maybe you just want us to learn to be better people or to really want children before we become parents. Well, i'm really trying. I pick up rubbish, I help people out, I bake cakes for sick people, remember birthdays, try not to bitch and moan and generally try to pay it forward. I eat healthy food, I've almost given up wine and I'm filled with guilt for every coffee I drink and each sugar filled snack I munch on.
Perhaps we're meant to be better Je.ws before you'll hear us? We've prayed in s.hul regularly - if i'm honest, more regularly) than we ever would have done if we hadn't been in this position. So why, just after i'd lit Friday night candles did you reward me with a random phone call from a (not all that close) friend telling me she's just had an (unplanned) baby at 24yrs old. I"m happy for her, but what was that all about?
Or is it you don't think we're ready as a couple to bring any little Mr G's or Portia P's into this world? Well, we've done the counselling and we've more than managed to hold onto our relationship through two years of heartbreaking infertility. We're still in love despite us both having to watch Doctors poking and prodding me and endure my hormones going up and down like a yoyo. Have we not yet proved we're in this for the duration?
It could be that you want to see just how far you can push us? I think you've proved your point. I'm still standing despite watching countless friends and acquaintances have babies. You've given my brother three, THREE, and i'm still smiling to the outside world. Am I meant to be truly happy in my heart about other people's good fortune? I really do try.
But you see, i'm feeling totally and utterly miserable. I rush around keeping busy - looking for new business ideas, doing good deeds for my more fertile friends, smiling and chatting about my treatment like it's all ok. Even I can kid myself on occasions that i'm ok. But if I let the mask slip, if I forget to be happy for just a moment, then I remember how my heart is breaking. Then the tears burn, just behind my eyes, ready to come gushing out. If I let go, i'm not sure i'll be able to stop.
So I'm just wondering, G-d, what your plan is for me and Mr G. In fact, I wonder what you intend for all of us girls who you're trying and testing? Are we the poster girls for "why you shouldn't leave it too long"? Or do you allocate only a certain number of children to the world. Have our children been used up by our more bountiful siblings? Mr G and I have 5 and nearly 6 nieces and nephews. Are they our allowance?
I wish I knew and understood, G-d. I"m really, really trying, but it's getting so hard. I just want a baby to hold and take care of. Someone to call me Mummy and hold my hand and snuggle up to me. I'll do whatever I can, whatever you want from me.
Perhaps I just have to get on with accepting this and forget trying to do anything at all about it. Maybe I need to trust that you will help us in your own good time and in the meantime we just need to relax and get on with our lives. I wish it was that easy.