Emotional woman

I've noticed myself being overly teary for a while now.

On Monday night Mr G inadvertently woke me when he got up to use the bathroom. I had a monster breakdown of the type you only have in the middle of the night. For some reason I was freaked out about being awake and not being able to sleep. It turned into wracking sobs that Mr G had to stroke and talk me down from. Of course, in the morning it was fine although i was super tired and embarrassed that i'd behaved like a five year old.

Then I cried last night watching the news of the honeymoon couple shot in Antigua. It's such a sad waste of life. How awful for that to happen on your honeymoon.

The most ridiculous breakdown was today. I was on my way to interview a restaurant owner - which, incidentally, he thought was tomorrow and wasn't there and I had booked in for today. (Pregnant brain? Most likely) The photographer and I caught the staff totally unprepared and very worried but we still managed to do the interview and get some pics. It was a raw food cafe and surprisingly really good. The photographer and I pigged out.

Anyway, on the way there, in my full make up (as they were going to take pics of me for the piece, I was listening to Stan by Eminem (you know, the one with the sample by Dido) and it made me cry! It was the thought of the man killing his girlfriend I think. I was even amused at myself, but couldn't stop the tears. Weirdo.

Finally - and you may want to stop reading here as it's DEFINITELY tmi - my bosoms have started oozing. About two weeks ago i noticed yellow goo coming from one of my nipples. Just a little. I believe it's the start of colostrum. Not unheard of at 26 weeks but a little freaky. Made me feel a bit strange.

Have been working hard again. Really enjoying being occupied but looking forward to tomorrow - first day of now work this week. Lovely.......

Thoughts

I think about my dad and my grandparents all the time. I miss them, in particular my daddy, my mother's mother and father's father. They were the three who I lost most recently and the Grandparents i was closest to, although the loss isn't really that recent, as Grandma died 6 years ago and Daddy and Grandpa, 5 years ago.

I feel like they're looking down on me. I realise this is going to sound like the writings of a lunatic, but I had this notion the other day that all of our departed relatives are queuing up on our behalf to secure us our babies. When they get to the top of the queue - hey presto, that's when the cycle works or the unexpected pregnancy occurs. My Dad was such a forceful personality i'm not surprised he got the top of that queue.

It also made me think that he had something to do with TP. Daddy died and TP was conceived - is it still called conception when it happens in a petri dish with a needle? - on the SAME STREET in London. Daddy's hospital is on one block and our fertility clinic about 5 mins down the street from it. Coincidence? Maybe, but i'd like to think the proximity is special.

My nephew was born almost exactly 9 months after Daddy died and I thought that was special. I felt like there was a sort of spirit turnaround as one left and another arrived. Interestingly, I met Mr G on the day my nephew was born which makes that a really auspicious day too. But perhaps Daddy hung around a bit longer until we had our first treatment at that particular clinic.

And there again, perhaps i'm talking a load of rubbish....

Humour me!

Sun is shining

TP is 25 weeks this week and kicking away like old billie-o. Mr G sings to my belly and often gets a kick in response - we're not sure if that's hello daddy or please stop making that noise. Either way, its a joy to feel life in there.

I've been working at the Cookery School office. It's great to be up and out and in a routine. I've missed that. I have to commute on the London Underground in the morning and evening rush hours, but as i'm always given a seat, it's not so bad.

When i get on the train it's always packed and it's been interesting to see how long people give it before someone offers me their seat and who actually gets up. I always feel a bit embarrassed about taking someone's seat but do always accept. Might as well enjoy this perk whilst i can. The first few times it was young (20 something) men who got up. Since then it's been only women - often women older than me. There are always heaps of men pretending they haven't seen me or just plain not bothered. I would always give up my seat for someone who needed it more than me, so it amazes me how rude some people can be. it's SWELTERING on the trains at the moment so it'd be hard to be standing.

I'm also teaching private cooking lessons at home. I taught fresh pasta last night - we made taglietelle with meat balls in tomato sauce and lemon and ricotta ravioli. It was a great lesson but my pupil arrived late so it was a long day. Still, i'm off today so a big lie in and lots of sitting today.

I feel like my working life is just coming together now. Mr G has been moaning that i'm the only person who gears up to work more at 6 months pregnant but it's not full time and it makes me feel so good to be busy.

The weather today is beautiful and my garden flowers are blooming. Tomorrow i'm doing a half day at the School testing cup cake recipes. It's really not even like work!!

Another friend - who had secondary infertility and succeeded in her third or fourth IVF, after a m/c at 9 weeks in an earlier try - has just had a great 12 week scan. I'm so happy for her and even happier that I can now share her news with others as she's gone public. She's 41 - same birthday as me but 2 years older. She was also at my clinic. I love another positive story.

Three new babies

Yesterday I had news of three different births.

One close friend had twins and the other had a singleton. The first one - JC - gave birth to twin girls conceived after her 7th (yes SEVENTH) IVF. She, like me, refused to give up. Six were fresh cycles and one a frozen. The twins were conceived after a fresh cycle and she - JC - is 38 years old. I felt as emotional as if it had been me giving birth. I had tears in my eyes when i picked up the messages from her and her mother.

The second mother, C, is a cousin of mine. We're not especially close but i'm fond of her. She married her husband (who's lovely) in June 2007. She gave birth to their first child - a little boy - yesterday. I'm pleased but not to the extent I am for JC.

I just cannot shake feel an underlying emotion of mild bitterness. I'm not sure if bitterness is the right word. I just have a feeling I can't really explain about people having it too easy. I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone ever, I'm just less able to feel the same pure joy I feel for JC. I think perhaps my mother has harped on about C's pregnancy to me too much.

I feel guilty at how warped I have become. I wish i could be as happy for anyone bringing a new life into this world. Any baby born is a miracle and I should feel joy for all.

Been a busy girl

I've had quite a lot of work this past few days which has been tiring but great.

I taught at a couple of different cookery schools on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Thursday was a birthday party for two 11 year girls. There were eleven of them and it was chaotic. We did pizzas, ham and cheese muffins, cupcakes - which they iced - choc chip cookies and sausage rolls. They had a ball but i was exhausted by the end. They're at a London stage school and didn't it just show. Lots of drama queen behaviour a big sing song over their meal.

Friday was a group of grown ups on a corporate jolly learning to make a Moroccan menu. Much easier and fun. I had to get home to ice a birthday cake for a friend's 4 year old son. He's allergic to eggs so i made one large egg free choc cake and some smaller which I iced and decorated to look like 3 hedgehogs. He LOVED them, which was really rewarding. My friend has 3 children - 12, 9 and 4 yrs old - and is a great mum. They're all really well behaved, polite and lovely. My current favourite children. It was a pleasure to do it for her. Here's a couple of shots of the cakes. I aint' no pro at cake decorating but they're kinda cute....

....


I've also been to two 40th birthday celebrations. The first, my friend who's just finished chemo for her breast cancer. She's got her radiotherapy now but is SO brave and positive. Her hair's gone but she has a great wig. She looks tired, but after months of chemo, is doing really well. I'm so proud of her. The second celebration was another school friend who i'm not in such close touch with. Was weird being back in her parents' home. I've not been there for 20 years or so!

The first party felt a bit odd as it was all girls - high maintenance, manicured nails, blow dried hair princess-y types with super slim figures each with several children at expensive private schools. I don't feel right in that crowd. I always feel dowdy and frumpy and, for the first time since TP landed, I suddenly felt kind of old to be finally pregnant. Glamour chicks like that have always made me feel inadequate and it made me feel even less comfortable around them. Sort of a lesser person for still struggling to get to their stage of life. I know that all that really counts is Mr G, me and TP, but i didn't enjoy being around them. I suppose it's another difference between fertile and infertile plus my own hang-ups.

It's going to be a busy week. I've a new pupil starting private lessons on Wed night. Off to see this film tomorrow night. I love Abba. Saw the show twice when it opened - once with my Mum and StepDad and again with my Dad - one benefit of being child of a broken home! I'm looking forward to it as i'm going with two lovely girlfriends.

I'll also be helping out in the office of one of the cookery schools i work at. The owner has had a stroke and needs to recuperate. I'm really, really fond of her and want to help out. I think she'll be fine but really needs to rest and she's a workaholic so i want to do all i can to help her. I should be in and out of there this week.

Belly and body shot

Thank you all for your support. I do feel that i've less right to be sad than many, but i'm grateful for your support. Betty M - i'd love those links please to give to my friend, S.

I've finally got a shot of the belly. It was taken on our holiday in Greece. I've added in a sunrise shot and the view from our room first - both taken by the very talented Mr G with his birthday present camera - and then put in some space so those of you who don't want to see can avoid looking.








































I'm really sorry i'm holding my belly in a v annoying pregnant woman way. It's to hide my huge Clexa.ne bruises (yep, still injecting) and not for effect. I hope it doesn't offend. I'm standing by the pool at our wonderful holiday hotel and also showing off my pregnant woman lardy butt and thighs too....!





Sorry i've been so rubbish at belly shots. Maybe it's a relief to you all anyway...!

Here's the most recent shot of my huge tum. TP's going to be 38 weeks tomorrow and hasn't that baby grown! I had Mr G take a shot with his i phone last night. I've tried 'in the mirror' shots but they're pretty rubbish. Anyway, it's quite a difference from the last shot when i thought I looked like a pregnant bird....

I miss you Daddy

I'm writing this in a local cafe as my flat is STILL infested with builders and smells to high heaven of chemicals. I slept badly last night because of the smells and my concern that it might be harming TP. They should be gone soon.

I'm feeling even more sad today. On this Tuesday 8th July 2003, my Daddy left me. He died of pancreatic cancer and I miss him. I wish he was here to be excited for our pending arrival. I wish he was here to laugh and joke with Mr G. I wish he was here to advise me on life matters - even if the advice is unsolicited. I wish he was here to give me a hug. I even wish he was here to give me a hard time. I just wish he was here.

I'm heading up to see him - well, his gravestone - later on. I'm going with Mr G and with my Uncle - Daddy's brother, who misses him as much as I do. They were very close and he often says how he thought they were going to grow old together.

I have a photo of me and my Daddy taken when I was a baby. I'll scan it in when the builders are out of my hair.


On another sad note, i spoke to my friend, S, who has lost her babies, yesterday. She is so brave. She has been through 2 labours in one week. She has been through 2 IVF's. She has lost 2 babies. She said all of that would be fine if she was leaving hospital with even one of her little ones.

I asked her if she was going to try again. I know it's too soon to know but she said something that had us both sobbing. She said that she feels that all this time she was calling for her babies and was praying for them, she knew what she was calling and praying for. She said that these two little ones WERE her babies and who she'd been praying for. They came and now they're gone. She doesn't know who else there is for her.

Her tiny perfect girl was alive when she was born. She wriggled and moved in S's arms. She was just a few days short of the magic 24 weeks when the Dr's would at least have tried to save her. I can't make any sense of it at all. I wish I could have made it better for her. I was almost without words.

I'm so very sad today.

Sad...

...well, completely distraught actually.

I've just stopped sobbing. My friend has just lost her second twin. Her little boy was born (at 22 weeks) and died last Saturday. Her little girl stayed inside for an extra week but was born and died yesterday lunchtime.

What is wrong with life? She's been through so much to get pregnant with these babies. She and her husband are good, church going people. They've waited 5 years for these babies and gone through 2 IVF's. I just don't get it.

I have no idea what to say to her. There are no words. For now, i've texted to let her know i'm there for her. I'll call tomorrow.

G-d bless them and their tiny perfect little babies who were born too soon.

Da daaaaaaaaah

I've had a facelift. Well, my blog has. The wonderful Calliope has designed me a new header and i've done my best to bring the rest of my look up to scratch too. I'd love to change the background colour of my page but that was a step too far....

Thank you so much Calliope - you're a talented girl and deserve so much success and happiness.

I'm staying at my parents' house 30 mins drive north of London whilst Mr G is away on business. I love staying here - i'm being royally looked after. Bliss.

Our apartment is full of decorators painting and tiling our flat. We're having a bit of a tart up - part funded by 2 insurance claims for leaks from flats above us. Bad luck to have 2 flats leak into ours, but good luck that it necessitated repainting most of the flat.

We're also moving Mr G's home office out - partly to his new office in Soho and partly into my cubby hole office in the flat. His old office will be our guest room/TP's room. We don't really have space for a proper nursery if we want to keep an office at home and as we both do some work from home that seems the best option.

As we've just had two offers to paint murals on a nursery wall i'm starting to feel perhaps we should make the room a bit more of a nursery, but as we have our wardrobes in there anyway that's probably not possible. Our flat - which is 15 mins from Oxford Street - is perfectly placed for work and great shopping but is probably not big enough for us in the longer term. It's a shame as it backs onto a great park, is very convenient and i love living so centrally. We'll never be able to afford something big enough in that area, so in a year or so - when we have sufficient money (hopefully) - we'll look at a new area.

On another note, i had a call from a friend of a friend on Tuesday. We had some social chit chat whilst I was thinking 'what do you really want?' I was hoping it might be some catering work. What is turned out to be was to see if i'd talk to her friend who has secondary infertility as she's really low and not sure how to proceed. I said it would be my pleasure - and it is. If I can be of help to anyone going through this nightmare then i'd love to be.

She (the friend) called yesterday and was lovely and clearly in such a mess mentally. She's been told she has POF at only 35. She just about managed her first child - by a post-lap fluke - and now has been trying for 2 years for number 2. It ain't happening. Her AMH is less than 1 and she hasn't yet found a clinic to give her IVF. They say she doesn't respond well enough to stims. She told me when she has had stims, the most she has had has been a dose every OTHER day!!! EVERY OTHER DAY?!! What's that all about??

She had been at the clinic where we were told to give up. The one that is more concerned with their place in the official clinic league tables than helping patients. They turn you down if you look to be a bad candidate. She has spent about £40k so far and that's without any IVF. I've given her my clinic details and said she must call me to let me know how she gets on.

Better get dressed - i feel like a naughty child as my folks have been up and busy for ages and i'm still in PJ's!