Friday, June 22, 2007

Am I a horrible person....

...or was I?

I found out today that one of my London IVF buddies has again failed - 5th time around. I'm truly, truly gutted. I so wanted it to work for her and her hubbie this time. It's just so unfair! She's had a previous BFP but it ended in a miscarriage with one in her uterus and a second ectopic embryo that they didn't find until she was in major pain. If she's managed one BFP surely she can do it again?! I've told her to go home, have a big drink and be good to herself this weekend. She's going to go for a FET in August, so there's some hope but sucks.

It all seems so random. Just luck really.

I hate to admit this - and I almost deleted this post because i'm ashamed of myself - but when I first started out - and don't hate me for this - I think I was scared of other people getting a BFP. I didn't wish failure on them, but was sort of relieved when they got a BFN. I didn't have to pretend to be happy whilst thinking "what about me". I can't justify it nor would I want to, but the only way I think i can understand my nastiness was perhaps a (subconscious) feeling that (statistically) there was limited luck to be had and if they failed maybe I wouldn't. I hated that about myself, but it was just sort of there.

I'm so relieved that now (thank goodness) those nasty feelings have vanished. I now genuinely, genuinely want all of us to succeed. I was almost as upset as my friend today. It's like it happened to me. Perhaps I'm a bit pre-menstrual and pre-cycle but I still really felt it. I need some cheerleaders for success in my life to prove this works. Of course there's the online girlies but somehow, knowing someone and seeing it with my own eyes would help.

Anyway, that was just a short confessional. Mea culpa. I've got to go and do my Preparation for IVF Hypnotherapy CD. It's really relaxing. It's from a company called Natal Hynotherapy. I really recommend them for a listen. We'll have to see how well the CD works...

I'm off to the party from hell tomorrow. 40 adults....and their children. I'd rather chop off my hand - with my own chef's knife. If I wasn't taking food to help out the party thrower - an old friend but recent(ish) new mum with zero sensitivity to my IF - i'd cry off. I'll drop off the food and stick around a v short time and then go home and lick my wounds! All those smug babied-up folk. I MUCH prefer mixing with the childless or at the very least those with kids old enough to have left home!

Oddly, i've had real trouble with the food i'm making. My brownies are like rocks and the choc chip cheesecake has broken in half. I'm doing new brownies tonight and i've managed to stick the cake together and ice it so you'd never know. Here's the cake on my kitchen table:

I'm sure that if I cook without love for my intended recipients then that's when my recipes fail. Maybe you put so much love into food, if it's not there then the food isn't so great. I've also made 4 Goat's Cheese, black olive and caramelised onion tarts. Here's one - sorry it's just wrapped in foil ready to transport:

and a huge persian couscous salad.

Easiest salad in the world - and gorgeous. Have a great weekend all you girls (and boys) who are almost certainly nicer than me!



Baby Blues said...

Stop! I'm drooling over my keyboards. :-) Mr. Kite, a lawyer too, will be taking a culinary class this October. I'm so excited for him!

I have a confession too. I feel the same with other people's BFPs. I'm happy for them but I feel so left out. I seem to say "What about me? Why not me?" and it devastates me to be left alone. From the time I started my blog, I've met ladies who are now pregnant. And the list just seems to go longer. You're not a horrible person... you're only human.

Anonymous said...

You are not horrible. Not at all. When you are left behind time after time, it hurts. I don't think you really wished failure on your friend - you just didn't want to be left behind, again.

You did a great job of hiding the broken cheesecake. I have a couple of killer brownie recipes, and you are right about cooking with love. When I am having an off day, things just don't turn out like they should.

Amy said...

Your totally human and what you feel/felt is completely natural. Its hard to be empathetic at times. My husband summed it up best for me when I started crying after learning one of my best friends is PG. He said we're just sad for ourselves because it reminds us what we don't have. That doesn't make us less of a person or a bad friend though.

Happy Cooking!!

CAM said...

I feel EXACTLY the same way! I just feel that if it worked for one than its not my turn this time?! Of course, thats a crazy notion...but your mind plays terrible tricks on you, doesn't it? I also feel your pain about going to that party - ugh! Sometimes you just can't believe that all of these people reproduced on their own?! And you just want to kick them all in the shins because of it. :)
Happy cooking - your pics have made me want cheesecake now!

Bea said...

You're not alone. After Jester, I was quoted as saying, "Next time, it's someone else's turn to lose the baby." Because that's what it feels like - like there's so many BFNs and m/c to go around, and I've had my fair share. I'm glad you've moved on to realising stats don't work like that. Hopefully we all will.


Nearlydawn said...

Don't beat yourself up too much. We have all been there. When someone just got a BFP and I got a BFN at the same time was the worst. You really can't help but be jealous - that's just natural I think.

However, I worry about people avoiding "kid situations". It seems like these are the people that you are going to want around the most when you are about to be a new mom.

Try not to burn too many bridges due to IF - it has taken enough from you already.

Hez said...

You're definitely not a bad person for those thoughts (if you are, many of us are). Just honest. The food looks fabulous-- I hope everyone (you included!) enjoyed it.