I've been feeling bad about yesterday's post all night. Maybe there are some feelings you just shouldn't blog about. It feels sort of bad karma to even think something bad about someone who's also been through IVF hell. It made me feel rotten even thinking that way.
I've been having bad dreams for a while now. They're about loss. Oddly, not baby loss but losing Mr G. In my nightmares, he either leaves me or (g-d forbid) dies. I feel so wretched when I wake up as it feels so real. Last night i lost 4 people close to me. a very close friend, my father (who I did lose nearly 5 years ago but who i still dream about regularly) and another person that I can't remember. In the dream i was out somewhere and saw something i really wanted to share with Mr G and had that huge sinking misery of knowing i never could.
When i woke at 5.30am I had to touch him to make sure he really was there. He woke to and i had a sobbing meltdown - you know how weird you get in the early hours - over feeling a bit lacking in the friend front at the moment.
It seems all that i hold dear has taken me a very long time to get to. It took me many years (and some bad, bad relationships) before I met my gorgeous and wonderful Mr G and i have no idea what i'd do without him. It has taken us two years and lots of heartache to get where we are now with TP. I'm still so scared that it won't last. I have a lurking worry that the happiness i feel will be snatched away from me. I think the dreams are a part of that.
I'm sorry for a negative post when i've really got it all. I"m well aware of how lucky i am. Must be a touch of hormones...
I'm off to make some peanut butter and choc cookies to take to a friend this afternoon. New recipe but anything with chocolate an peanut butter's gotta be good...!
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A London couple's struggle to conceive
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About Me
- Portia P
- I'm a 43 year old ex Londoner just moved to Hertfordshirewith my gorgeous husband. Attempt to multiply began "in sin" but, just after our wedding, tests revealed severe MF meant we could try all we liked but without a modern day miracle - or at least the wonders of science, we'd always be two. We were instantly launched into a whole new world of acronyms - the land of ART. After two and a half years trying to escape back to a world where full names rule, at the grand old age of 39 yrs and 11mths, I gave birth to our little miracle and two became three. Almost exactly 2 years later, our one frozen embryo turned into our second miracle and we are four. Still amazed and grateful.
Quick history
June 06 Back from honeymoon to test results of 100% abnormal sperm. All tails deformed. No swimmers. Straight to ICSI
Sept/Oct 06 IVF ICSI 1: 5 follicles, 4 eggs, 3 embryos, 2 transferred, 1 frozen BFN
Feb/March 07 IVF ICSI 2: 5 follicles, 4 eggs, 2 transferred BFN
June/July 07 IVF ICSI 3: 5 follicles, 4 eggs, 2 transferred BFN
Dec 07 IVF ICSI 4: cycle cancelled
Feb 08 IVF ICSI 4.5: 3 follicles (I thought), 5 eggs (!), 4 embryos, 2 transferred
26 Feb 08 BFP hcg 331 (15dpo)
27 Feb 08 hcg 660 (16dpo)
29 Feb 08 hcg 1459 (18dpo)
10 Mar 08 1st u/s shows 1 sac and a heartbeat!
23 April 12wk (Nuchal) scan (day before Mr G's birthday) gives us a 1 in 3000ish risk of Down's. Happy Birthday Mr G
20th June 20 wk (Anomaly) scan looking good and reduces our risk or Down's even further. Go TP!
31st October 08 Our little man makes his entrance
January 10 Natural Frozen Embryo Cycle
12 Jan 10 Our 1 embryo - frozen in Oct 06 - thaws!
13 Jan 10 Transfer
25 Jan 10 Oh my goodness - BFP! hcg 106 (12 dp3dt)
26 Jan 10 hcg 195 (13dp3dt)
28 Jan 10 hcg 495 (15dp3dt)
10th Mar 10 1st u/s shows 1 sac and a heartbeat!
Girls sharing the ride
Mummies
8 comments:
So sorry about the dreams. I had the same sort of thing - it was a combination of panic that I wouldn't be able to do the parent thing, terror that it would all be snatched away and I wouldn't even get the chance to try, and worry that I was slightly losing myself. The hormones have a lot to answer for.
I made a Nigella chocolate/peanut sauce for ice-cream the other week - a heart attack in a saucepan but jolly tasty.
Portia--thanks so much for the tip on the water--and milk! I had never heard about the milk. I have been drinking tons of water the past few days--soak it up follies!
I hear ya about the SATC plot--I just wanted to scream during that part--she should have gone through some sort of IF treatment, in my opinion.
Im sorry about the dreams-I hope you have some peaceful dreams soon! Ive had dreams of loosing Mook-or him leaving-I wake up feeling suffocated. I just need a big hug, and then I feel calmed.
I'd love some cookies... ;0)
I hope your friends twins stay at least for another few months.
It is always hard knowing whether to share scare stories when pregnant friends ... or vent with non pregnant ones.
Sorry about your own scares too.Pregnancy does cause some crazy dreams.
MM anything with chocolate is great !
forgot to say I'm here from NaComLeavCom
My Little Drummer boys
warm regards
Trish
I have similar dreams. I think that it happens when you've experienced loss like we both have. I too wake up in a panic and check DH is still breathing.
There are 'givers' and 'takers' in this world and you shouldn't feel guilty if you notice that someone you know is a 'taker'. I have a few people like that in my life, they only call when they want something. I try and think that it has more to do with me (because I'm reliable and supportive) than to do with them. You are someone I would trust for advice. x
Thanks for all of your posts recently. I really need the support.
As for your dreams, my therapist would tell you that your brain is just processing the huge life change you are going through. And, the hormones just fuel the fire!!!
DH an I went to see SATC today and I loved it. I already new about the Charlotte plot so I was prepared. I just wish the writers were smarter than that. Oh well...it's just a fantasy movie.
I am sorry about your cramps. My co-worker, who is 21 weeks, was complaining about the same pain last week. I am sure everything is fine!!!
Sending you lots of hugs. The cookies sound wonderful! If peanut butter and chocolate chips can't fix things, I don't know what can! ;)
How strange...I dreamt last night that Mr Big Time Charlie left me. When I spoke to him this morning I kept asking him if he was going to leave me...it's like i thought it was real. It is weird how dreams affect you.
Right with ya on the SATC thing, I think terrible words like 'F*ck off' came out my mouth when it happened!
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