Monday, June 09, 2008

The other side of the fertility fence

I had a busy weekend. On Saturday we went to a garden party of an old school friend. She has been guilty of some hugely insensitive comments over the last couple of years and it was touch and go whether Mr G and I would attend, especially since it was going to be packed with small children. Even the friend's considerably younger sister had managed to produce her own small (and immensely cute) child!

As life is a bit easier on the IF front with TP on board, we decided we'd go - for a short while at least.

It was, as expected, packed with parents and small children racing around madly. It wasn't too bad. I only knew a handful of people there - including the hostess's family and a couple of our other school friends. We stood talking and eating canapes most of the time. The children were for the most part very cute. I'm very taken with the children of one of my school friends - V.

Mr G met a guy who used to be in the armed protection unit for the Queen which made his afternoon. He'd done that man nagging thing for the whole week before and all the way to the party - you know, the whole whiny "why do we have to go to this party", "how long must we stay" thing. All that changed once he met "a guy who protected the Queen with a gun!". My party curfew was immediately lifted.

Anyway, the point of this story isn't to embarrass my gorgeous husband. I went up to my two school friends to say hi. One (V) - who i'm in regular touch with asked how i was doing and I did that (yuck) pg thing of patting the bump. The other one - B - who is in close touch with V clearly had no idea I was pg and was full of happy congratulations. All very innocent you would think.

A while later I was chatting tp B. Turns out she had one child and was unable to conceive number 2. She'd had 3 failed IVF's after which she'd given up. I had no idea. She was asking me loads of questions about my treatment and then started to cry. I felt SO SO shitty. I took her to the corner of the garden for privacy and we had a longer talk. Her husband had been against donor eggs, she wasn't keen on adoption and after some matrimonial to-ing and fro-ing. they'd given up. She still hoped for that miracle, but clearly it was hurting.

I had tears in my eyes and felt so f'ing useless. I was cross too. Well meaning fertile friends had clearly chosen to keep my news from her so as not to hurt her. She was hijacked somewhat and probably had an emotional stumble as a result.

I realise i'm now contradicting myself. Two posts ago i was all for keeping certain news from the vulnerable. Now i'm angry at someone failing to share news. This is different though. If she'd known she'd have had time to deal with it. As it was, she had to deal with the pregnancy of a previously fertile-ly challenged person in very public place.

It underlined again how this stuff never goes away. We'll always be hijacked by the good news of others. Whilst we wish them well, we'll still feel a stabbing in our hearts.

Otherwise, i had a lovely weekend. The sun shone on Sunday and it's still beating down today. Gorgeous! Changes the whole outlook when you're deprived of it so often.

I went to the Dr today. I'm still getting period pain like cramps. They make me nervous. That, and some very low and different round ligament pain today made me decide to get checked out. We heard TP's heartbeat banging away but she rang the Fetal Emergency Unit anyway. I'm glad i'm not really, really panicking, as they cant see me until Thursday morning! I suppose if it was looking more serious they'd see me asap. I've no bleeding - but am on full panty watch. I'm sure it'll be ok, but we're off to Greece in a couple of weeks and i'd rather go knowing TP's not at risk.


Busted said...

I'm glad you were at least able to talk to B so she knew that you were an IF success story rather than just assuming you were fertile. Still so hard though, and you're right, it never stops, even when pregnant. When I was pregnant, I was still often jealous and bitter and felt like I was back at square one of infertility.

Congrats on your pregnancy, and I hope that all is well at your checkup.

(via NCLM)

soapchick said...

Well I hope you were able to comfort her a little bit and give her hope. You tried multiple times before it worked for you, but I know everyone has their limit.

Bea said...

It's a fine line. People always miss it. The two situations you describe are quite different. Sounds like, for your part, you handled it well.

As for karma - infertility doesn't make some people into good people. Go figure. I don't think you'll end up with icky karma on your face for pointing that out.


momofonefornow said...

I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for both of you. It sounds like you handled it well.

Good luck with your pregnancy and have a nice trip.

Bee Cee said...

Sounds like you dealt with the situation with B really well. It makes you realise it's never really over is it? and there's always someone hurting somewhere.

I hope that TP is fine and you can jet off to Greece with a happy smile.

JuliaS said...

Ouch - tough party. Dh was the lucky one - man with gun guarded the Queen. You got guilt, tears, social in-etiquette and infertility angst. I daresay though, your friend B probably felt a little better to have a confident who was understanding.

Hope all is well with your pg and continues to be so.

Good wishes!


sara said...

Thanks for checking in, and letting me know that I'm not the only one awake at 6:30 AM! I hope both you and I get some rest and stop some of our worries soon! It's so much easier said than done :-) Hope you're having a great week and thanks for the kind words!