Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Happy New Year?

That's the $50M question. Will this year be happier than the last? I sincerely hope so.

Firstly - apologies for my depressive mood. Things are v up and down around here. It's hormone central.

As you might have guessed my whisper of hope for a miraculous conception was misplaced. On the morning of NYE my period showed up in full force and made my life fairly uncomfortable for a couple of days. My body most certainly made me pay for the December Men.opur-athon. The bright side of that news is that i'm booked in for the i need to have to get moving on the next cycle.

In general, Mr G and I are at quite a low ebb. We started 2007 with one failed IVF under our belts, but with IVF 2 on the way. In 12 months we've had 2 more failed IVF's - 3 if you count the cancelled cycle last month - under our belts. With money and work stresses and fertility struggles forming a big, fat grey cloud over most of our year, we've both felt a bit blue.

Yesterday, I asked Mr G what his high points of 2007 were. He said he hadn't had any. I told him off and said there MUST be something... We eventually came up with his surprise 40th birthday party and various treats I laid on for him.

He didn't push me for my highs, but the thing is, after giving him a hard time for being negative, i'm not sure I can come up with a high for me at all. Ask me about 2006 and my high points are easy-peasy lemon squeezy! We had our wonderful wedding and honeymoon. Just after we got back, I can remember feeling SO full of happiness I could have burst. Here I was, newly married to my soulmate with our lives ahead of us. I hadn't felt that happy in so long. At the time (miserable cow that I am) I worried that such a high couldn't last. It just seemed too good to be true. It was.

Shortly after that, we got the "severe impairment" news about Mr G's twitchers - the swimmers that don't swim. That started to wear away at my joy. I still had hope though. IVF ICSI was going to save the day, so it wasn't all bad. As time has gone on and the treatments have stacked up the sadness has more constantly been knocking at my door and I haven't felt that happy since.

I'm generally of a sunny nature and of course I've had good moments - sunny mornings, a chilled out lunch on the beach this summer with Mr G, dancing at a friend's wedding, being enveloped in big hugs from my gorgeous husband - but mostly, i've felt sad. I HATE what this has done to me. To us.

BUT - that's not to say I'm not aware of the positives in my life -

1. I have a wonderful husband
2. We have close and loving parents
3. We have a roof over our heads
4. We're both healthy.
5. We both have friends to speak to if we need to; and
6. We can - for a short time - afford to keep trying IVF the foreseeable future

SO - i'm going to keep looking on the bright side. This year WILL be different. We'll keep on trying. We're about to try out the top performing clinic in London AND we've got our N.HS cycle coming up. BUT we'll have to draw a line under this at some point and we're going to end the year (by which time i'll have reached the big "Four Oh") with some resolution. Whether we've gone to ED or started on the road to adoption I fully intend to be closer to having a famly.

Many congrats to those of my fellow bloggers who've been treated to BFP's for Christmas. Well done girls!

A very Happy New Year to all. I promise my next post will be brimming with happy and interesting news! I will not stay in this pity party hole for long.


Ms. P said...

It is utterly unfair that one stupid year could be so rough and unforgiving on so many wonderful women such as yourself. Am sending many fertile thoughts for 2008 and KNOW that it will bring you a step (or many!) closer to building your family. Cheers to ringing in the new and fabulous!

Working Girl said...

I have never posted a comment before but, I have been following your blog for a couple of months. I know exactly how you feel and could have written most of your post myself. I started treatments with so much hope and now I feel life has been sucked right out of me. Not all of it but, alot. I often wonder where that pleasant well adjusted gal went. I am hoping to find her again in 2008. I wish you teh greatest sucess with the new doctor!

Almamay said...

I'm all for pity parties. I think they are good for you. You don't have to pretend to be all jolly and happy for me at least. Be whatever you need to be.

Malky B. said...

Best of luck on your upcoming cycle. May this be the year for all of us to have happy, healthy babies.