8.5mm

Mr G asked me why I haven 't posted for a while. He's a lurker on my blog. Reads every post but never comments. Wonder if i've any others?

Anyway, the answer to his question was that generally, i've felt uncharacteristically quiet. I haven't really had much to say. I'm finding the transition from "in treatment" to "in transit" slightly awkward. I should be jumping for joy to have got this far (and I do thank G-d several times a day for getting Mr G and I to this point) but i'm cautious about writing something that might upset my friends still in treatment which is the last thing i'd want to do.

So, I need to find a way of writing that isn't so joy-filled as to upset those still in the trenches - not that I really feel quite out of there just yet. On the other hand, I don't want to sound so moany that I seem ungrateful for having got this far!

My news is good. We went for our scan on Monday. The Doctor who scanned me was pleased with how everything looked. He showed us a tiny heartbeat - not that Mr G or I really saw what he was pointing to despite our both saying "Aaah yes" as he gestured at the screen. He measured the tiny blob (I REFUSE to call it (*) a bean, I just find that really cutesy and irritating) and told us it was 8.5mm. Nearly a whole centimetre!

I'm immensely relieved but unable to accept this as a reality just yet. My symptoms come and go - which freaks me out no end. One minute can't even consider a bite to eat and almost heaving at every smell. Next minute no such difficulties and stuffing copious amounts in my mouth. My boobs are less tender today, although if I keep prodding them, they soon will be.

I'm sorry to write like this. I can just hear people saying - "why can't she just be grateful for what she's got!!" I am SO very grateful for having got this far. I think to myself several times each day how lucky I am. Having got here via 5 IVF's during which we were advised to give up) I know how blessed we are. I also know it could all disappear tomorrow. Life is very fragile.

This whole game is truly one of luck and chance. I hope that my story of perseverance and persistence gives others some hope. If the tiny blob does stick around, I'll have to think about how I continue to blog. I started this blog to share my experience of infertility with others, to get support and to give it. I'm not sure how my droning on about a pregnancy helps others. I'm not about to go anywhere, but I do need to work out how to go forward without upsetting others.

A big hug to Carrie at Precious LIttle... who got a BFN this week. (Becks - thanks for your advice on links. I tried to follow it, but it doesn't work for blogger! I'll keep trying - or move to wordpress - might be easier all round...)

(*) going to have to come up with a name for our little blob, but i'm really not one for nicknames etc. Cant keep calling them "it" for much longer though!