Monday, March 17, 2008


Mr G asked me why I haven 't posted for a while. He's a lurker on my blog. Reads every post but never comments. Wonder if i've any others?

Anyway, the answer to his question was that generally, i've felt uncharacteristically quiet. I haven't really had much to say. I'm finding the transition from "in treatment" to "in transit" slightly awkward. I should be jumping for joy to have got this far (and I do thank G-d several times a day for getting Mr G and I to this point) but i'm cautious about writing something that might upset my friends still in treatment which is the last thing i'd want to do.

So, I need to find a way of writing that isn't so joy-filled as to upset those still in the trenches - not that I really feel quite out of there just yet. On the other hand, I don't want to sound so moany that I seem ungrateful for having got this far!

My news is good. We went for our scan on Monday. The Doctor who scanned me was pleased with how everything looked. He showed us a tiny heartbeat - not that Mr G or I really saw what he was pointing to despite our both saying "Aaah yes" as he gestured at the screen. He measured the tiny blob (I REFUSE to call it (*) a bean, I just find that really cutesy and irritating) and told us it was 8.5mm. Nearly a whole centimetre!

I'm immensely relieved but unable to accept this as a reality just yet. My symptoms come and go - which freaks me out no end. One minute can't even consider a bite to eat and almost heaving at every smell. Next minute no such difficulties and stuffing copious amounts in my mouth. My boobs are less tender today, although if I keep prodding them, they soon will be.

I'm sorry to write like this. I can just hear people saying - "why can't she just be grateful for what she's got!!" I am SO very grateful for having got this far. I think to myself several times each day how lucky I am. Having got here via 5 IVF's during which we were advised to give up) I know how blessed we are. I also know it could all disappear tomorrow. Life is very fragile.

This whole game is truly one of luck and chance. I hope that my story of perseverance and persistence gives others some hope. If the tiny blob does stick around, I'll have to think about how I continue to blog. I started this blog to share my experience of infertility with others, to get support and to give it. I'm not sure how my droning on about a pregnancy helps others. I'm not about to go anywhere, but I do need to work out how to go forward without upsetting others.

A big hug to Carrie at Precious LIttle... who got a BFN this week. (Becks - thanks for your advice on links. I tried to follow it, but it doesn't work for blogger! I'll keep trying - or move to wordpress - might be easier all round...)

(*) going to have to come up with a name for our little blob, but i'm really not one for nicknames etc. Cant keep calling them "it" for much longer though!


Baby Steps to Baby Shoes said...

Thank you for not calling your baby a bean! A personal pet peeve of mine.

Hopeful Mother said...

I understand your feelings completely - it's a transition time of sorts. Perfectly understandable!

I'm so happy that everything looked good at the scan. I look forward to reading your continuing good news...

soapchick said...

Maybe if the blob continues to grow you should start a new blog in a couple of weeks where you can gush and gawk about the pregnancy. People can choose to read along or not. I personally would love to read about your feelings and what you are experiencing during your pregnancy.

Knock Me Up said...

Portia: I'm happy to hear things are moving along. I know you don't want to jump up and down yet, so you can use what I always use if you want to -- that is, so far, so good. I'm sure you'll figure out how to move forward with your blog but don't worry, some of us will stick no matter what. Take care. Merideth

Foreverhopeful said...

You're so sweet Portia to still be thinking of others and being so sensitive. I think what you are feeling is so normal and its hard to believe after all you've been through. I'm very happy for you that things are moving along nicely.

Carrie said...

Portia, you've worked so hard for this pregnancy you have to enjoy it. I know the early days ate frought with worry and it is hard to make the transition.
I think you are so sweet to worry about the feelings of others. I know it can be hard to read about pregnancy when you're in the middle of a struggle but it can also remind us that it can work out.
Thank you for continuing to think of us all, and especially for the virtual hug today.

P.s. Are you on an Apple by chance? I'm on Blogger, adding a link is easy on my PC but more complicated on the Apple. Let me know if this is the case and I'll send you details of how I did it on the Apple.

My Reality said...

As someone who is still not on the other side, the only thing I hope to hear from people who have had success is honesty. It isn't like you magically got knocked up on your first month trying, you worked long and hard to get here. If someone isn't ready to read, they don't have to. I would like to hear how you are doing, excitement, fear etc.

I am not a cute nickname person, either.

andi said...

Hello hon,

I want to hear you gush and goo! I'd love to hear how you are really feeling - if you stare at your tummy in disbelief. Yeah - I need to get out more.

By the way - I noticed you said 'them' when you said 'blob' - was that just a slip - or is there two - I am sure you would have told us.

I am sooooo happy for you my dear - I WANT YOU TO BEEEEE HAPPY TOOOO.