8 weeks

Just a quick post as i'm in need of a nap and B has just gone off to sleep. Don't want to miss my chance as i'm to work tonight - teaching pizza and salad nicoise (yum).

Anyway, the scan this morning showed the embryo - I know it becomes a foetus at some point but not sure when, maybe 12 weeks? - sorry, I've digressed. The embryo has grown and has continues to have a heartbeat. Phew. It was measuring 8 wks 5 days - but then one of the Docs (there were two in with us today) who seemed to be overseeing the scanning Doc who was perhaps learning the machine?) said 'give or take 4 days' which more or less could put us bang on. Double Phew.

The whole experience was fairly stressful as we had to take B with us. Our usual lady couldn't look after him. He went mad for me when I went behind the screen to strip off and then was fussing and moaning when we sat with the Dr's afterwards. (I feel ashamed even mentioning this as i'm well aware i'm immensely lucky to be taking one miracle to watch the other potential miracle)

As a result, Mr G went off in a huff with me because he hadn't been able to participate in the appointment. Not sure why it was my fault. Never mind.

B and I went to treat ourselves to a post-scan Brioche from Le Pain Quotidien. I used to go there and sit in after a successful scan when B was my passenger and drink tea and eat their gorgeous bread with equally gorgeous jams and chocolate spreads. It was truly special taking him in there this time. We didn't sit in as he'd only want to run about. We both enjoyed our brioche though. It was pouring with rain - as it has been for WEEKS now - so we went to West.field (huge shopping centre) and bought vests and PJ's and a "daktor" (tractor) for Barney and shared a sandwich in Benugo sandwich bar whilst playing with said daktor.

I continue to be gobsmacked by all of this. I am starting to relax a little, but I then remember all the ladies i know who've lost the heartbeat at 9 weeks or more and i remember to take each day at a time.

For today i'll enjoy knowing there's a little heart beating inside me. Wow.

It doesn't feel right to blah on about my niggles and doubts.

I feel tiny and self-centred for expounding at length about my current fears.

Why?

Because this lady's situation puts it all into perspective. As does the situation this lady finds herself in.

What's wrong with the world when they fight so hard for their babies - which they both finally have - and then the rug is snatched from under their feet?

They've got something to moan about. More than moan actually. Their bravery in getting up each day is an inspiration. I hurt for both of them to my core.

So, when I stress about whether or not I will be able to add to my family - for which i'm hugely grateful, I remember that if I don't, i'll still have my health, my Mr G and my gorgeous B. I thank G-d for all of this several times a day. I pray to G-d that they (Vee and ES) will get through.

I've a scan on Wednesday to see what's going on for me. Til then I shall count my blessings.

One step forward...

Monday's scan went fine and I spent much of the rest of the starting to believe that this might turn out ok.

We saw a more defined looking pair of blobby shapes - body and head - the yolk sac and a heartbeat which was, apparently at a good frequency. It measured 12mm. Phew. The scan was with Dr Doom, who has started to warm up a bit with us and was quite upbeat.

Oddly, he ordered HCG and progesterone tests. Progesterone I get, but HCG? Surely we're past that. I was going to query it but thought, 'what the hey, might as well' as I don't want to rock the boat.

All the stats say such great things about a strong heartbeat at this stage with great percentages for likelihood of getting past the 1st trimester (and beyond). Then they go and ruin it by excluding older mothers and IVF'rs. Not too sure where I stand on the older mum thang as this embryo was formed from a 37 year old egg. I hope the various risks are based on that. I'm sure a Nuch.al scan would use that age.

Anyway, the fly in my ointment came at 6ish when Dr Doom rang to tell me that my progesterone has fallen AGAIN. It's gone down to 150 from 185. What's WITH my flipping hormones? I know the level is still seriously high, but WHY is my body going in the wrong direction?!!

I'm guessing if there was an embryo issue the embryo would show signs of flagging. This is my body playing up. Work with me here, love!!

I've got to go in for blood tests (Immunes and full blood count) tomorrow morning. If they can establish what's going on, I suppose they'll change my meds.

This is keeping me on my toes.

I'm still tired (exhausted) and on-and-off nauseous, so my body's doing something right.

Let's see what tomorrow holds...

Anniversaries

I've spent the last couple of evenings catching up on Brothers and Sisters. Well, actually, sobbing in front of it.

I love that show. Kitty's just been diagnosed and they're handling the news. I think the US are ahead of us so you may well know where it's all going.

Anyway, I wonder if I would be so emotional if my hormones weren't raging.

Wednesday's scan was fine. Embryo measuring 5.25mm. Not sure if it had grown massively or if it was just the dIfferent machine and different Doc. Whatever. Heart still beating and no more scans until next week. Prog.esterone is up too- highest yet, so also good news.

This weekend marks the anniversary of our baby blessing when we took out little boy up in front of our synagogue community and thanked G-d for giving him to us. It was 14th February because that, in turn, marked exactly a year since our little boy was transferred to my safe care as an embryo. It's one of those memories that will stick in my head forever.

I've a whole raft of those now, good and bad - the phone call telling us that Mr G's fertility was severely impaired, the moment each cycle turned out to be a BFN, the phone call telling us that I was (after cycle 5) pg, Mr G's reaction as he heard me hearing our news, B's first kick in my tummy and the first time Mr G felt one of those kicks, the moment i held B in my arms for the first time and looked him in the eye. Just a few of the moments that have made me feel so good or so bad that they're ingrained in my head.

I've started building them again with this little one, but am too scared at this stage to think too much about it. They'll still be there if this little one isn't here to stay with us, but I don't know yet whether they'll be happy or bittersweet.

Tonight my priority is B who has a stinker of a cold. Poor little thing is so bunged up and has a terrible cough. I hate not being able to help him - he sounds so pitiful crying in his cot.

I've been cooking today for a bed bound ex-neighbour of Mr G's who has asked if I could bring her some food. Steak and kidney pie (filling done in my slow cooker) and a Chicken Cacciatore. She has no teeth and asked that I cook the meat to melting softness. The slow cooker did a grand job of the steak and kidney and I did the chicken on a low heat in the oven and it's literally falling off the bone. I hope that she likes it. We're going to take B up there to (hopefully) put a smile on her face - just so long as his cold's a bit better.

Next scan Monday...

Update

The clinic rang with today's results.

HCG up to 15,684 - that's just over double in the 72 hours since last test. Progesterone is up to 163.

Head Doc thinks no need for IVI.g just yet but i'm back in on Wed for another scan to see how the little one's doing.

Feeling a little more like this could go the right way.

xx

An interesting morning...

A ver-reee interesting morning indeed.

Us 3 went to the clinic and, as usual we had a long wait for the scan. I felt extremely awkward in a room full of women in treatment and couples there for a "teach" session with B trotting around exclaiming "mummy", "car" and "ra, ra" at random intervals. Wind back 2 years (when i was nearing the end of the cycle that brought me B) and had anyone told me i'd be there with my child one day, i'd have laughed in their face.

Anyway, eventually, we were called upstairs. The receptionist said we'd go straight in but whoever got called up with us did a real sly one and sneaked in ahead of us. There are some things you just don't do - and that's really not playing the game.

Unaware of this, we waited several minutes - probably 10 - outside the door, and, with B getting less and less enamoured of his day trip to a London IV.F clinic (well, return home really) I decided to knock. I opened and saw a Dr and patient (Miss Sly Fox herself) and apologised. What i did clock is that i'd seen that Doc before.

"Goodness!" i said to Mr G "I think the Dr in there is Dr Doom" (not his name, although it might as well have been). Dr Doom was the head honcho from the clinic who told us to give up back in December 2007. The man who damn near broke my heart.

Cut a long story short, when we got in there he introduced himself and it WAS!! I told him, the last time we saw you, you told us we'd never be successful and that you wouldn't treat us any more. We came here and this - gesturing at my little boy - is the result. I've dreamed of telling that man he was wrong and here was my moment. Bizarre.

He has been working for my top Doc for a year now. He said he wanted to do what the top Doc is doing and to learn from him! Mad.

Anyway, cut to the chase - because I know you'll be waiting for this. The scan showed a sac, foetal pole and tiny little heartbeat. Measurement was 4.6mm. All good.

Dr Doom had no idea of where I was at in my treatment - he'd even asked me when I walked in where I was in my cycle(!!!!) I had to tell him what was going on and what drugs I was on. That threw me somewhat and I didn't think to ask about my slow rising levels and up and down progesterone until I was leaving. He said the HCG should be doubling every 2 days - which didn't help my nerves about this - and that the progesterone falling was not good. Great. So, i've a heartbeat - which, to be honest, I couldn't really see, but Mr G says he could - but still a fear of falling.

More bloods were taken today and i've left a message with the clinic asking them to ask the top Doc whether or not IVI.g would help and if the different steroid this time makes a difference.

I'm extremely relieved to see someone in there, but for now, still concerned and, this afternoon, pretty symptomless. : (

5wks5days

At times like this, my internet use shoots up. Nothing is more comforting (or, at times, unnerving) than a good trawl. Message boards, quack sites and blogs are all useful fodder. Although, after several years of freaking myself out, i've learned (sort of) when to switch off. It's a hard habit to break though.

My HCG went up to 7105 on Friday. The clinic didn't call until after 6pm, which was stressful in itself. Prog was up to 169, so heading back in the right direction. The numbers hadn't doubled - or even close, but my helpful graph said the increase from start to now was 'adequate'. As there's precisely zero I can do about any of this, i've just got to go with it.

The nurse - who wasn't overly confident and who is, I suspect, quite new to the job - agreed the rate had slowed down but said the top doc wasn't worried. He'd ordered me to stick with my meds and come in for a scan on Monday or Tuesday. No more bloods til then.

Monday OR Tuesday..... Eeeeeeerm, let me see. Monday or Tuesday? Like there's a choice!!!! I'm booked in for 9am Monday morning, when Mr G, B and I (no one to sit for us) will be waiting to hear what's happening in there. I'm in a strange place because of those numbers, but like Betty M said, perhaps the continual testing is counterproductive.

Symptom-wise, i've had on and off nausea (particularly in the morning but lots of the day), dragging tiredness and a bit of edginess. There's the odd cramp too.

I'm convinced now that B was one of two. Those numbers were SO high. Of course that means that his co-embie disappeared at some point which THEN means i'm more anxious i've only the one embie in there to lose! Too much thinking. So, i prefer to read other people's stories and take my mind of my own.

Two more sleeps and we MAY have an idea what's what. Obviously with these numbers and at only 6 weeks there's every chance it'll be too early for a heartbeat. We'll cross that bridge as and when.

Just a quick one as it's late

...i've worked tonight and am working tomorrow so must get to bed.

Monday's beta was not quite double at 2359 and today's was again, almost but not quite double at 4584. As they are consistent and when plugged into a clever graph on babymed.com which i tried to link up but which hasn't worked.

The slight concern I have is that my progesterone is falling. 175 then 161 and today, 131. The nurses tell me not to be concerned but, obviously, I am. Not sure what to take from that. I'm busily shooting up with Gest.one but it's an uphill battle.

Aside from that I'm doing ok. I must think to myself "Oh my goodness, I'm pregna.nt!" about,errrrrm, 20,000 times a day.

It's SUCH a novelty. I know i've done it before, but this is somehow different. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because i'm the luckiest girl in the world to have my little boy and i'm not sure i've any more luck due. (I so hope I am) I'm well aware this could vanish in a heartbeat - or lack of one - but for now, i'm allowing myself moments of enjoying the thought that, like normal fertile folk, i've got a little boy and a potential second one in my belly. I can't quite believe it but also can't quite let myself go with it as that'd open me up to the huge fall if (when?) this goes south.

I've met a new IF friend. We kept bumping into each other at the clinic and clicked right away. I was with B and, embarrassed and sensitive to being the lady with a baby at the IF clinic felt the need to announce he was the result of my 5th IV.F AND at that clinic.

She was on her 5th IV.F and had, for the first time got a decentish beta. However, her scores were at times not doubling and weren't huge. Sadly, her pregnancy turned out to be ectopic. I so felt for her and wanted to let her have my number to talk but felt odd about it. I happened to stalk her out from her messages on an IF message board site and she got back to me straight away. We've become friendly and she was able to lend me some drugs yesterday when my pharmacy let me down. She even offered to drive them round at 10pm. I didn't take her up on that but popped over to see her today and met her Mum. She's a sweetie and i'm immensely grateful that people like her are about. I hate IF but it's amazing how there's a camaraderie in all being in this together. I'm sure she'll get there, she's SO close.

Better get to bed now.

Thanks to those that have popped by to congratulate.

xx