Hi honey
Had no idea you were going private and would LOVE to stay updated.
Pls, pls mail your password or invite or whatever to my desperatetomultiply@gmail.com address!
Am so pleased you're moving forwards and really want to stick around and support you.
Didn't know how else to get to you xxxxx
ps: Just so you don't feel left out....hello everyone else!! Thanks for reading xxx
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Survivor's Guilt
Here's the thing...
...I've been so concerned not to upset those of you still waiting for your babies that i've been guilty of (a) not posting and (b) posting rosy tinted posts that give no idea of how things really are for me this side of IVF.
I love my little boy, i really do and i know i'm immensely lucky, but this is the hardest thing i've ever done. I've not slept a full night in about 15 months - 9 months down to tension and inability to get comfortable (well, much of that time) and the last 6 because my son resolutely refuses to sleep through. Sleep deprivation was ok at first. It went with the territory and i was (and am) determined to love every minute of my new role. Mostly, I do, but this far down the line and it's wearing me down just a little.
In the past month i've had one root canal (4 dentist visits in total and £1600), a trip to the emergency dentist to have an abscess on another tooth pierced and drained (£260 and a lot of pain - so much so I came out of that appt and sobbed like a baby) and now, a throat/ear infection that has been going on now for well over a week. Enough already.
Breastfeeding was/is a privilege, but when my little boy decided (at 3 months) he preferred a bottle I completely lost it.It had taken a lot to get started - it's flipping painful but we'd got there. When he actually retched (yes!) when faced with my nipple - they're not bad!! - there were hormonal tears for weeks. After much perseverance (and ignoring a breast feeding counsellor who told me to give up) i managed to woo him back and he now feeds without a fight. It's time to start weaning him to a bottle but as i don't think i'll get to do this again i'm loathe to give it up. Having said that, hours pumping milk so Mr G can bottle feed him at 11pm when i catch up on some badly needed zzzzz's really takes it out of me.
Every waking hour is spent anticipating B's next need. Every trip out of the house has to be planned. Do i need the buggy? Do i need the car seat? What meals will we spend out? What's the weather going to do? I have to carry up the kit in stages from our lower ground floor flat and make sure B is fine whilst i'm doing it. It's all part of the job and it's getting easier but even leaving the house was at one time a huge achievement. [Just read that para and think perhaps i deserve a sharp, slap for that one - apologies - but i'm leaving it in for completeness]
Even as I type this i feel guilty - how dare I even think about complaining when i've got what i was wishing for and so many haven't. I'm sorry. I'd rather get real then portray this sunny, perfect existence. I don't want anyone believing i'm sitting smugly here in happy-ever-after land.
I adore my little boy but he's a handful. He's incredibly mobile for 6 months and cant' sit still for a moment. It's great he's so interested but it does wear a 40 year old Mum down.
I hope i've not been totally offensive but i felt i just had to get this off my chest.
I'm also conscious that I can't wait too much longer before making some decision about whether or not we try for another little one. As it'd have to be another IVF or adoption, both of which will cost us some, can we even afford to think about it? This recession has hit us hard and i'm not sure we can afford to have a second baby. Is it fair on B for him to be an only child?
I'm not ungratefully moaning about only having one baby. I wouldn't dream of it - i'm still counting my blessings that I have one more than i imagined i would. I'm just a little sad that it remains a problem. I'm also a lot mad at people who say that because we've now had one we're going to be one of those couples who have a second, surprise pregnancy. We're not. They just don't get it and that p's me off.
Again, i'm sorry. I don't want to upset anyone. I hope I haven't. I'm still rooting for those of my girls in the trenches and i know I don't really have the right to compain when i'm over here.
...I've been so concerned not to upset those of you still waiting for your babies that i've been guilty of (a) not posting and (b) posting rosy tinted posts that give no idea of how things really are for me this side of IVF.
I love my little boy, i really do and i know i'm immensely lucky, but this is the hardest thing i've ever done. I've not slept a full night in about 15 months - 9 months down to tension and inability to get comfortable (well, much of that time) and the last 6 because my son resolutely refuses to sleep through. Sleep deprivation was ok at first. It went with the territory and i was (and am) determined to love every minute of my new role. Mostly, I do, but this far down the line and it's wearing me down just a little.
In the past month i've had one root canal (4 dentist visits in total and £1600), a trip to the emergency dentist to have an abscess on another tooth pierced and drained (£260 and a lot of pain - so much so I came out of that appt and sobbed like a baby) and now, a throat/ear infection that has been going on now for well over a week. Enough already.
Breastfeeding was/is a privilege, but when my little boy decided (at 3 months) he preferred a bottle I completely lost it.It had taken a lot to get started - it's flipping painful but we'd got there. When he actually retched (yes!) when faced with my nipple - they're not bad!! - there were hormonal tears for weeks. After much perseverance (and ignoring a breast feeding counsellor who told me to give up) i managed to woo him back and he now feeds without a fight. It's time to start weaning him to a bottle but as i don't think i'll get to do this again i'm loathe to give it up. Having said that, hours pumping milk so Mr G can bottle feed him at 11pm when i catch up on some badly needed zzzzz's really takes it out of me.
Every waking hour is spent anticipating B's next need. Every trip out of the house has to be planned. Do i need the buggy? Do i need the car seat? What meals will we spend out? What's the weather going to do? I have to carry up the kit in stages from our lower ground floor flat and make sure B is fine whilst i'm doing it. It's all part of the job and it's getting easier but even leaving the house was at one time a huge achievement. [Just read that para and think perhaps i deserve a sharp, slap for that one - apologies - but i'm leaving it in for completeness]
Even as I type this i feel guilty - how dare I even think about complaining when i've got what i was wishing for and so many haven't. I'm sorry. I'd rather get real then portray this sunny, perfect existence. I don't want anyone believing i'm sitting smugly here in happy-ever-after land.
I adore my little boy but he's a handful. He's incredibly mobile for 6 months and cant' sit still for a moment. It's great he's so interested but it does wear a 40 year old Mum down.
I hope i've not been totally offensive but i felt i just had to get this off my chest.
I'm also conscious that I can't wait too much longer before making some decision about whether or not we try for another little one. As it'd have to be another IVF or adoption, both of which will cost us some, can we even afford to think about it? This recession has hit us hard and i'm not sure we can afford to have a second baby. Is it fair on B for him to be an only child?
I'm not ungratefully moaning about only having one baby. I wouldn't dream of it - i'm still counting my blessings that I have one more than i imagined i would. I'm just a little sad that it remains a problem. I'm also a lot mad at people who say that because we've now had one we're going to be one of those couples who have a second, surprise pregnancy. We're not. They just don't get it and that p's me off.
Again, i'm sorry. I don't want to upset anyone. I hope I haven't. I'm still rooting for those of my girls in the trenches and i know I don't really have the right to compain when i'm over here.
Monday, May 04, 2009
Six months
My little boy was 6 months old on Friday. I can't believe it. Mr G and I sit and look at him and want to pinch ourselves.
He's gorgeous but a total monkey. He is proficient at rolling from back to tummy and loves then pressing up with his arms. He's on the verge of crawling and can rock backwards and forwards on his hands and knees and stretch his legs out. He moves backwards but cannot yet go forwards and screams (yes SCREAMS) with frustration as he gets further from not closer to his goal!
I'm totally smitten but also completely exhausted. He and I have had some cold virus for the last week and I feel awful. Really sore throat and ears and blocked up head. Recovery isn't helped by a sleepless baby. Even when well he's not a great sleeper and still hasn't gone through the night - or even close - at this point. One smile and he's forgiven.
Mr G, B and I are off on hols next week and I can't wait. A holiday with a mobile 6 month old is questionably a holiday but it'll be a change of scene and (hopefully) some warmer weather in which to chill.
Must go now, time for bed. Mr G is nagging me to go sleep and I do need to. I'll try to fill in some gaps sometime soon.
Here's the boy
He's gorgeous but a total monkey. He is proficient at rolling from back to tummy and loves then pressing up with his arms. He's on the verge of crawling and can rock backwards and forwards on his hands and knees and stretch his legs out. He moves backwards but cannot yet go forwards and screams (yes SCREAMS) with frustration as he gets further from not closer to his goal!
I'm totally smitten but also completely exhausted. He and I have had some cold virus for the last week and I feel awful. Really sore throat and ears and blocked up head. Recovery isn't helped by a sleepless baby. Even when well he's not a great sleeper and still hasn't gone through the night - or even close - at this point. One smile and he's forgiven.
Mr G, B and I are off on hols next week and I can't wait. A holiday with a mobile 6 month old is questionably a holiday but it'll be a change of scene and (hopefully) some warmer weather in which to chill.
Must go now, time for bed. Mr G is nagging me to go sleep and I do need to. I'll try to fill in some gaps sometime soon.
Here's the boy
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Just to say - which I should've mentioned in my last post.
We chose to have yesterday's blessing on 14th February as it was the anniversary of the day our little boy - and his co-embryo - were transferred into my safe care. It's a day i'll never forget and seemed a good day to celebrate.
Mr G said he spent last Valentine's Day watching a man (fantastic IVF Dr) with his hands up my bits and spent this year's Valentine's watching another male (a v little one) mauling my bo.soms. Maybe next year he (Mr G) will get a look in.
I hope you all had a good Valentine's. It's not a day i'm that fond of. I hated it as a single bird and feel it hugely commercial and a bit pointless now as you should spread the lerrrrve all the time and not just once a year. Now it's become a tiny bit more special in my book. Mr G and I had a lovely dinner out but talked mostly about Barnaby and gushed over a new photo Mr G had taken on his phone. Here's a pic from yesterday
Not great of me but then i'm not who the crowds came to see. Barnaby loves my dress - all that black and white has him mesmerised.
We chose to have yesterday's blessing on 14th February as it was the anniversary of the day our little boy - and his co-embryo - were transferred into my safe care. It's a day i'll never forget and seemed a good day to celebrate.
Mr G said he spent last Valentine's Day watching a man (fantastic IVF Dr) with his hands up my bits and spent this year's Valentine's watching another male (a v little one) mauling my bo.soms. Maybe next year he (Mr G) will get a look in.
I hope you all had a good Valentine's. It's not a day i'm that fond of. I hated it as a single bird and feel it hugely commercial and a bit pointless now as you should spread the lerrrrve all the time and not just once a year. Now it's become a tiny bit more special in my book. Mr G and I had a lovely dinner out but talked mostly about Barnaby and gushed over a new photo Mr G had taken on his phone. Here's a pic from yesterday
Not great of me but then i'm not who the crowds came to see. Barnaby loves my dress - all that black and white has him mesmerised.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Quick update
I'll make this quick as i need to get to bed.
Barney went to bed at 7pm and will be up again any time from 10.30 til 12. Mr G will feed him with some of my expressed breast milk (I feel more and more like a cow) whilst I grab some sleep. When B next wakes - some time between 2 and 3am - Mr G will wake me up and i'll take over. I'll feed him and then sleep in the day bed next to his cot until morning. He'll most likely wake a couple more times and have one more feed - at 5ish - before morning. I've got him into the habit of sleeping on me from about 5.30am until morning. This has the benefit of allowing me a bit more sleep than if he was in his cot and continually waking. It's also one of my guilty pleasures. He should be in bed but I get to cuddle him and smell his gorgeous baby smell.
If I get to bed soon, i'll get some sleep in before the broken sleep happens. It's hard to drag myself to bed as this is the only time of the day I get to myself.
I love my little boy dearly but he sure is hard work. Every waking moment (mine) is spent thinking of him and anticipating the next need he'll have. He had a cold a couple of weeks ago which was so hard on him as he was so snuffly and couldn't breathe properly. That's when I started having him sleep on me - so he'd be upright and more able to breathe. This week he's been teething - which involves lots of drooling, fist sucking, fussy feeding and LOTS of crying. Little love is really suffering.
Tomorrow we're having a baby blessing in our synagogue. We've invited our extended family to join us for some sparkling wine and canapes afterwards. I'll post some pics. The words are really emotional - I just hope I hold it together.
There's so much to say but where to start? I love being a Mum but it's been a huge adjustment. He's not an easy baby but he has personality and is bright as a button.
I'll write again when i've more time and can actually put together something a bit more considered and interesting. xx
Barney went to bed at 7pm and will be up again any time from 10.30 til 12. Mr G will feed him with some of my expressed breast milk (I feel more and more like a cow) whilst I grab some sleep. When B next wakes - some time between 2 and 3am - Mr G will wake me up and i'll take over. I'll feed him and then sleep in the day bed next to his cot until morning. He'll most likely wake a couple more times and have one more feed - at 5ish - before morning. I've got him into the habit of sleeping on me from about 5.30am until morning. This has the benefit of allowing me a bit more sleep than if he was in his cot and continually waking. It's also one of my guilty pleasures. He should be in bed but I get to cuddle him and smell his gorgeous baby smell.
If I get to bed soon, i'll get some sleep in before the broken sleep happens. It's hard to drag myself to bed as this is the only time of the day I get to myself.
I love my little boy dearly but he sure is hard work. Every waking moment (mine) is spent thinking of him and anticipating the next need he'll have. He had a cold a couple of weeks ago which was so hard on him as he was so snuffly and couldn't breathe properly. That's when I started having him sleep on me - so he'd be upright and more able to breathe. This week he's been teething - which involves lots of drooling, fist sucking, fussy feeding and LOTS of crying. Little love is really suffering.
Tomorrow we're having a baby blessing in our synagogue. We've invited our extended family to join us for some sparkling wine and canapes afterwards. I'll post some pics. The words are really emotional - I just hope I hold it together.
There's so much to say but where to start? I love being a Mum but it's been a huge adjustment. He's not an easy baby but he has personality and is bright as a button.
I'll write again when i've more time and can actually put together something a bit more considered and interesting. xx
Thursday, January 29, 2009
It still doesn't feel real
I have a baby sleeping in the room next to me.
A year ago:
I was taking a cocktail of drugs and getting up every day in the dark to go and get my blood tested and get scanned.
I was downing litres of milk and water to help grow healthy eggs.
I was hopeful but also disbelieving that this cycle would be any different to cycles 1, 2, 3 and 4.
I was licking the wounds caused by the last clinic i'd been to telling me we'd never succeed at IVF and that I should give up.
I was wondering what to do next and what I would do with my life.
Eggs were taken from my body and my husband's sperm injected into them. 4 embryos were created and we waited to see what would happen. On Valentine's Day 2008 two of those embryos were returned to me.
One of those embryos became Barnaby. I still can't believe that little boy next door sighing in his sleep is real.
I so want my blog friends to get there too.
A year ago:
I was taking a cocktail of drugs and getting up every day in the dark to go and get my blood tested and get scanned.
I was downing litres of milk and water to help grow healthy eggs.
I was hopeful but also disbelieving that this cycle would be any different to cycles 1, 2, 3 and 4.
I was licking the wounds caused by the last clinic i'd been to telling me we'd never succeed at IVF and that I should give up.
I was wondering what to do next and what I would do with my life.
Eggs were taken from my body and my husband's sperm injected into them. 4 embryos were created and we waited to see what would happen. On Valentine's Day 2008 two of those embryos were returned to me.
One of those embryos became Barnaby. I still can't believe that little boy next door sighing in his sleep is real.
I so want my blog friends to get there too.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Friday, January 09, 2009
Bad blogger
Wow - probably the longest time i've had between posts, due to a combination of not really being sure what to blog about now and partly being totally immersed in coping with looking after a tiny human being.
My little boy is (as you'd expect me to say) gorgeous. He's starting to look like his Daddy and is as big a drama queen. He's not one to take anything quietly and makes his views well known. For the last couple of days, everything has provoked huge teary outbursts - I think he must be overtired. When he's not wailing - because he isn't all of the time - he's super smiley and so, so inquisitive about the world. I have to cover his eyes to help him sleep because he just doesn't want to switch off.
A full night's sleep is a distant memory and i'm not sure when the next one will be. I'd NEVER complain as i know how lucky i am, and you sort of get used to it. I quite enjoy spending the early hours looking after my little boy - I've waited long enough.
Right now he's asleep in his Moses basket. His Daddy is on his way back from a business trip to Denmark. Mr G has waited 41 years to bring his child a pressie back from a trip abroad. Today is the first time he's had that child to buy for. It's a big moment.
The whole 'having a baby' thing blows my mind. I still can't believe that he's here and ours and almost have to pinch myself every day.
I want to post some pics but need to get Mr G to pass them to me. I'll post some as soon as I can.
There's so much to say, but I think it should go on a different blog. Once i've worked out how to post about being a Mum i'll sort out the second blog.
Right now i'm freezing cold and I want to check the little man is warm enough. It's so cold here in the UK it's mad. I'll post again when i've the pix and when i'm a bit more coherent.
Oh - meant to say - there's been a flurry of BFP's in my blogger circle and i'm so excited about it. There was a similar batch last Xmas time and it happened again this year. It's made me so happy. To my PG blogger girls - you know who you are - CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! To those still waiting - keep trying. I missed the Xmas batch last year and it still happened for me. This time last year I was about to start IVF 5 - well, hoping to as I wasn't sure my FSH would be low enough. Look where I am now. A totally different start to the year. I wish the same good luck to all of my friends struggling with IF. xx
My little boy is (as you'd expect me to say) gorgeous. He's starting to look like his Daddy and is as big a drama queen. He's not one to take anything quietly and makes his views well known. For the last couple of days, everything has provoked huge teary outbursts - I think he must be overtired. When he's not wailing - because he isn't all of the time - he's super smiley and so, so inquisitive about the world. I have to cover his eyes to help him sleep because he just doesn't want to switch off.
A full night's sleep is a distant memory and i'm not sure when the next one will be. I'd NEVER complain as i know how lucky i am, and you sort of get used to it. I quite enjoy spending the early hours looking after my little boy - I've waited long enough.
Right now he's asleep in his Moses basket. His Daddy is on his way back from a business trip to Denmark. Mr G has waited 41 years to bring his child a pressie back from a trip abroad. Today is the first time he's had that child to buy for. It's a big moment.
The whole 'having a baby' thing blows my mind. I still can't believe that he's here and ours and almost have to pinch myself every day.
I want to post some pics but need to get Mr G to pass them to me. I'll post some as soon as I can.
There's so much to say, but I think it should go on a different blog. Once i've worked out how to post about being a Mum i'll sort out the second blog.
Right now i'm freezing cold and I want to check the little man is warm enough. It's so cold here in the UK it's mad. I'll post again when i've the pix and when i'm a bit more coherent.
Oh - meant to say - there's been a flurry of BFP's in my blogger circle and i'm so excited about it. There was a similar batch last Xmas time and it happened again this year. It's made me so happy. To my PG blogger girls - you know who you are - CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! To those still waiting - keep trying. I missed the Xmas batch last year and it still happened for me. This time last year I was about to start IVF 5 - well, hoping to as I wasn't sure my FSH would be low enough. Look where I am now. A totally different start to the year. I wish the same good luck to all of my friends struggling with IF. xx
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Fabulous and 40
Today I am 40 years old.
I thought i'd feel really old, but i couldn't be less bothered. All my school friends turned 40 ages ago - i was the very youngest in the year - so i feel young.
Funny to think that 40 years ago my Mum had a baby only 4 weeks younger than my little boy.
I hope all those of you still trying can take heart in my success at such a ripe old age.
We're off here for breakfast and my Mum and Stepdad are coming over with tea for us.
I don't need any gifts -
i've got everything i ever wanted. Thank you G-d.
I thought i'd feel really old, but i couldn't be less bothered. All my school friends turned 40 ages ago - i was the very youngest in the year - so i feel young.
Funny to think that 40 years ago my Mum had a baby only 4 weeks younger than my little boy.
I hope all those of you still trying can take heart in my success at such a ripe old age.
We're off here for breakfast and my Mum and Stepdad are coming over with tea for us.
I don't need any gifts -
i've got everything i ever wanted. Thank you G-d.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Happier times
This is Marylebone Registry office.
Last time I was in there it was to register my father's death. I went with my brother.
I visited yesterday with Mr G and BB to register BB's birth. Happier times. I must have blocked the earlier experience from my mind as I had almost no recollection of the room you do the registering in. I'll remember this time for ever.
Mr G had tears in his eyes as he signed the notification paper.
My son (my son!!) is a proper, legal person.
xx
Thursday, November 20, 2008
We made the front page
I'm about to blow cover with a link to a newspaper which has a pic of us and our little boy. We made the front page this week - which made us laugh...a lot.
We also made their headline board thing that stands outside the newsagents. It says 'Baby at last for IVF couple'.
If you know us please don't tell anyone else about my blog. I'm pretty sure no one will know us....
Here's the link
xx
We also made their headline board thing that stands outside the newsagents. It says 'Baby at last for IVF couple'.
If you know us please don't tell anyone else about my blog. I'm pretty sure no one will know us....
Here's the link
xx
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
BB's birth - SUPER LONG POST WARNING!
I've finally got a few minutes between feeds whilst the boy sleeps. I could either eat breakfast, go to the toilet or type and (madly) i thought i'd type whilst i've a few minutes.
So, the labour started at about 2am on Thursday 30th, the day he should have been coming out via C section. I woke with contractions about 5 mins apart. I didn't wake Mr G who was asleep in the next door room, where he'd been sleeping for the last few weeks as my nocturnal wakenings were keeping us both up.
By 6am the contractions had calmed a little and were more widely spaced. They carried on all day, sometimes close and sometimes up to 20 mins apart. They were just in my back so I wasn't sure that it was really labour pains.
A friend sent an e mail saying she'd been having similar pains for the last week!!! I cried at the thought I could be stuck with those pains for that long! It wasn't the pain so much as it was bearable but the thought i'd have to wait that long and probably would be housebound for that time as I had to stop and sway etc each time to get through them.
Anyway, I decided to put on my TENS machine at 9 or 10pm ish and I asked Mr G to help fix the pads on me. We had a bottle of alcohol type stuff to put on me to help the pads stick. He couldn't get it to come out and squeezed so hard the lid flew off and the stuff went in his eyes, down my trousers and in my underwear. It STUNG!!! He was running around shouting it was in his eyes and we both had to rush to the bathroom so I could shower it off and he could splash his eyes. It was all a bit Benny Hill.
I stood in the shower for ages and decided to use it to run a bath for the pain. I lay in the bath - my 3rd that day - and watched my tummy moving. I thought it was Barney moving but now I think it was contractions making it all move. When I got out the contractions were a minute on and a minute off and I couldn't even get dressed it was so uncomfortable. I had Mr G put the TENS on and that really helped. That, breathing and very loud music. I also moaned a lot - goodness knows what my neighbours must have thought!
So I rang the hospital who said I should wait a couple of hours before going in. Mr G was rushing around packing bags and showering etc while I swayed and moaned. AT 12am, we decided to get in my Mini to travel as I couldn't face going in a taxi. It took me 3 contractions to get in the car. I had to kneel on all fours on the back seat. We took a route to avoid speed bumps as I definitely wasn't up to them.
The contractions eased a bit once I was outside and in the car, so I suggested we drive around a bit to delay going to hospital. Mr G sensibly ignored that clever suggestion and drove us straight there. We slowly walked in and got up to the labour ward. They examined me and said I was 3cm and the cervix was nice and soft and well effaced.
I would usually have been sent home but they said I could stay as they were quiet. I was left with gas and air, my TENS machine and my ipod in a cubicle to progress. What they didn't tell me was that they were going to leave me for 4 hours until they came to examine me again!! Mr G went to bring in our luggage - which i'd made him leave in the car in case we were sent home. He also moved the car into a car park.
When he arrived he sat in a chair and snoozed whilst I moaned, gyrated and sang (quietly) to Madonna on my ipod. I found it really hard to go to the bathroom as if I sat, it brought on major contraction pain, so I had to try to stand.
At 5am they came to see me again and let me go into a delivery room. I was 4cm by then and decided to have an epidural. Had I been able to use the pool i might have tried that as water really helped relieve the pain. But the fact I couldn't plus the fact that if I didn't go for it then i'd have to wait another 4 hours before the opportunity would arise again (hospital policy not to examine more than every 4 hours). A lady anesthetist turned up and fixed me up. Marvellous.
By now, the sun was rising and I was having a good time! Mr G went out for bagels for breakfast and I was allowed to eat one but told no more food now in case i needed surgery. Mr G snoozed on and off and I chatted to our new midwife - Kirsti from Finland - who'd started her shift at 8am. As they were quiet, i had her to myself all morning which was fantastic. I walked around and tried to make things move faster and they broke my waters to push things forward. When they ramped up the contractions with Syntmetrine I really started feeling the pain as the epi had worked only on 1 side. Suddenly, I was 8cm and feeling contractions down one side of my body. OWWWWW!!!!
The anesthetist was called - a new one now on the day shift - and they tried to wiggle the needle to get it to work fully. It didn't, so they had to take it all out and start again whilst i puffed on gas and air again like it was going out of fashion.
With the epi sorted a new problem arose. Barney was starting to show signs of distress on the monitor so, after a series of Dr's had had a good look up my undercarriage, the most senior Doc - a consultant - said they felt they should get him out asap. I was rushed into theatre double quick. I seem to remember being stripped and put into a hospital gown. At some point earlier they'd had me peeing into a tub thing as my bladder had got so huge it needed draining. I was held up by one nurse whilst the other held the tub. How humiliating! After that they put a catheter in.
The pain relief was ramped up although I didn't believe it was properly working at all. They check by spraying a freezing cold spray on your upper body and then on the anesthetised bit to see if you still feel it. I was sure I could feel it on the bits that hadn't been properly sorted before. I was told to pinch my own flesh to see if I felt it and I couldn't. Mildly upsetting was that pinching my leg felt like pinching a comedy fat suit. Nice...
I was still arguing that I could feel on my left when the anaesthetist said 'well they've started' which shut me up. Minutes later, whilst Mr G and I cried, Barney was pulled from my tummy. I had tried to hold back the tears in case they thought i was being a bit baby about the birth. Mr G was sent to cut the cord and give them clothes for B whilst I was stitched up. I started feeling really light headed and sick as well as impatient to see my little boy - who was screaming and rooting on Mr G looking for a feed! He still screams like a loon when he wakes and only wants to feed.
I'm sorry for such a long post and i'm sure most people will have given up by now. It's as much so i've got the memory straight and recorded.
We're still good and Barney is 3 weeks old tomorrow. It has flown but has been pretty hard work - NOT that i'd ever, ever complain for a second. I really do appreciate how lucky i am.
So, the labour started at about 2am on Thursday 30th, the day he should have been coming out via C section. I woke with contractions about 5 mins apart. I didn't wake Mr G who was asleep in the next door room, where he'd been sleeping for the last few weeks as my nocturnal wakenings were keeping us both up.
By 6am the contractions had calmed a little and were more widely spaced. They carried on all day, sometimes close and sometimes up to 20 mins apart. They were just in my back so I wasn't sure that it was really labour pains.
A friend sent an e mail saying she'd been having similar pains for the last week!!! I cried at the thought I could be stuck with those pains for that long! It wasn't the pain so much as it was bearable but the thought i'd have to wait that long and probably would be housebound for that time as I had to stop and sway etc each time to get through them.
Anyway, I decided to put on my TENS machine at 9 or 10pm ish and I asked Mr G to help fix the pads on me. We had a bottle of alcohol type stuff to put on me to help the pads stick. He couldn't get it to come out and squeezed so hard the lid flew off and the stuff went in his eyes, down my trousers and in my underwear. It STUNG!!! He was running around shouting it was in his eyes and we both had to rush to the bathroom so I could shower it off and he could splash his eyes. It was all a bit Benny Hill.
I stood in the shower for ages and decided to use it to run a bath for the pain. I lay in the bath - my 3rd that day - and watched my tummy moving. I thought it was Barney moving but now I think it was contractions making it all move. When I got out the contractions were a minute on and a minute off and I couldn't even get dressed it was so uncomfortable. I had Mr G put the TENS on and that really helped. That, breathing and very loud music. I also moaned a lot - goodness knows what my neighbours must have thought!
So I rang the hospital who said I should wait a couple of hours before going in. Mr G was rushing around packing bags and showering etc while I swayed and moaned. AT 12am, we decided to get in my Mini to travel as I couldn't face going in a taxi. It took me 3 contractions to get in the car. I had to kneel on all fours on the back seat. We took a route to avoid speed bumps as I definitely wasn't up to them.
The contractions eased a bit once I was outside and in the car, so I suggested we drive around a bit to delay going to hospital. Mr G sensibly ignored that clever suggestion and drove us straight there. We slowly walked in and got up to the labour ward. They examined me and said I was 3cm and the cervix was nice and soft and well effaced.
I would usually have been sent home but they said I could stay as they were quiet. I was left with gas and air, my TENS machine and my ipod in a cubicle to progress. What they didn't tell me was that they were going to leave me for 4 hours until they came to examine me again!! Mr G went to bring in our luggage - which i'd made him leave in the car in case we were sent home. He also moved the car into a car park.
When he arrived he sat in a chair and snoozed whilst I moaned, gyrated and sang (quietly) to Madonna on my ipod. I found it really hard to go to the bathroom as if I sat, it brought on major contraction pain, so I had to try to stand.
At 5am they came to see me again and let me go into a delivery room. I was 4cm by then and decided to have an epidural. Had I been able to use the pool i might have tried that as water really helped relieve the pain. But the fact I couldn't plus the fact that if I didn't go for it then i'd have to wait another 4 hours before the opportunity would arise again (hospital policy not to examine more than every 4 hours). A lady anesthetist turned up and fixed me up. Marvellous.
By now, the sun was rising and I was having a good time! Mr G went out for bagels for breakfast and I was allowed to eat one but told no more food now in case i needed surgery. Mr G snoozed on and off and I chatted to our new midwife - Kirsti from Finland - who'd started her shift at 8am. As they were quiet, i had her to myself all morning which was fantastic. I walked around and tried to make things move faster and they broke my waters to push things forward. When they ramped up the contractions with Syntmetrine I really started feeling the pain as the epi had worked only on 1 side. Suddenly, I was 8cm and feeling contractions down one side of my body. OWWWWW!!!!
The anesthetist was called - a new one now on the day shift - and they tried to wiggle the needle to get it to work fully. It didn't, so they had to take it all out and start again whilst i puffed on gas and air again like it was going out of fashion.
With the epi sorted a new problem arose. Barney was starting to show signs of distress on the monitor so, after a series of Dr's had had a good look up my undercarriage, the most senior Doc - a consultant - said they felt they should get him out asap. I was rushed into theatre double quick. I seem to remember being stripped and put into a hospital gown. At some point earlier they'd had me peeing into a tub thing as my bladder had got so huge it needed draining. I was held up by one nurse whilst the other held the tub. How humiliating! After that they put a catheter in.
The pain relief was ramped up although I didn't believe it was properly working at all. They check by spraying a freezing cold spray on your upper body and then on the anesthetised bit to see if you still feel it. I was sure I could feel it on the bits that hadn't been properly sorted before. I was told to pinch my own flesh to see if I felt it and I couldn't. Mildly upsetting was that pinching my leg felt like pinching a comedy fat suit. Nice...
I was still arguing that I could feel on my left when the anaesthetist said 'well they've started' which shut me up. Minutes later, whilst Mr G and I cried, Barney was pulled from my tummy. I had tried to hold back the tears in case they thought i was being a bit baby about the birth. Mr G was sent to cut the cord and give them clothes for B whilst I was stitched up. I started feeling really light headed and sick as well as impatient to see my little boy - who was screaming and rooting on Mr G looking for a feed! He still screams like a loon when he wakes and only wants to feed.
I'm sorry for such a long post and i'm sure most people will have given up by now. It's as much so i've got the memory straight and recorded.
We're still good and Barney is 3 weeks old tomorrow. It has flown but has been pretty hard work - NOT that i'd ever, ever complain for a second. I really do appreciate how lucky i am.
Friday, November 07, 2008
Here's......BB.....
Not only was Mr G allowed to take his camera into theatre, he was positively encouraged to take pics.
Here's my little passenger emerging from my tum at which point his father and I we were sobbing like babies...
...and here he is after a clean up and weigh in
I'll try to type the birth story when i've 2 hands free! Like us, BB likes his nosh so i'm currently expressing for his next feed. He gets 30 mins on me followed by a bottle of my finest home brew to fill him up. If he doesn't get it in 1 hit I can have him stop starting for 4 hrs at a time...
I cry at least 5 times a day over my miracle.
Thanks for all your lovely messages and to my lovely BeeCee for her card.
xxxx
Here's my little passenger emerging from my tum at which point his father and I we were sobbing like babies...
...and here he is after a clean up and weigh in
I'll try to type the birth story when i've 2 hands free! Like us, BB likes his nosh so i'm currently expressing for his next feed. He gets 30 mins on me followed by a bottle of my finest home brew to fill him up. If he doesn't get it in 1 hit I can have him stop starting for 4 hrs at a time...
I cry at least 5 times a day over my miracle.
Thanks for all your lovely messages and to my lovely BeeCee for her card.
xxxx
Thursday, November 06, 2008
i'm fine!!
...and typing this with 1 hand from under a v healthy baby boy.
Barnaby Baruch was born by emergency c section on friday 31st October. My labour started on thursday in the early hours - 2am. It was v sporadic until 11pm ish when contractions went from every 5-10 mins to every minute for a minute - OWWWW!
I came home from hospital on tues & he has kept me busy ever since. He has an endless appetite and little urge to sleep. I have raw nipples & more love for this little bundle than i know what to do with.
I'll type more when i've 2 hands. He was 7lbs 4oz and screamed immediately he emerged.
Thank you to all you wonderful girls for sharing my journey. They told us we had a 1% chance. This time last yr a clinic told us they wouldn't treat us and we should give up. If it happened for us....
I'll post pics asap.
xxxxx
Barnaby Baruch was born by emergency c section on friday 31st October. My labour started on thursday in the early hours - 2am. It was v sporadic until 11pm ish when contractions went from every 5-10 mins to every minute for a minute - OWWWW!
I came home from hospital on tues & he has kept me busy ever since. He has an endless appetite and little urge to sleep. I have raw nipples & more love for this little bundle than i know what to do with.
I'll type more when i've 2 hands. He was 7lbs 4oz and screamed immediately he emerged.
Thank you to all you wonderful girls for sharing my journey. They told us we had a 1% chance. This time last yr a clinic told us they wouldn't treat us and we should give up. If it happened for us....
I'll post pics asap.
xxxxx
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Show but no show
I'm sure you're all starting to get as impatient with this baby as I am!!
Was up from 2am until 6am with another wodge of gorgeous plug and major lower back cramping. It was really quite close together but i decided not to wake Mr G who I thought should at least get his sleep. Mr G keeps on saying how much the term amuses him - makes him think of Rogers and Hammerstein. Glad someone finds this funny!
As i'm still here typing you might have guessed that is hasn't really progressed. It settled down a bit and the cramps are now coming about 10 mins apart and more and are much more bearable. I still think it's really, really early days or even false labour at this stage but i'll be hanging out here today nonetheless. I've a lemon polenta cake recipe i'd like to test and i'm sure a day of tv could be quite inviting.
The hospital called at 8.50am to ask why I hadn't shown up for my C section. I told them the baby had turned and I thought it had been cancelled. They are SO inefficient!! I hope that didn't mean someone couldn't get a slot.... I asked the midwife who called what to do re my pains and she said just take it easy. It could all die down today. I can take paracetemol for the pain but as it's not that bad, I shan't do that just yet.
Thank you all for playing along with me today.
Was up from 2am until 6am with another wodge of gorgeous plug and major lower back cramping. It was really quite close together but i decided not to wake Mr G who I thought should at least get his sleep. Mr G keeps on saying how much the term amuses him - makes him think of Rogers and Hammerstein. Glad someone finds this funny!
As i'm still here typing you might have guessed that is hasn't really progressed. It settled down a bit and the cramps are now coming about 10 mins apart and more and are much more bearable. I still think it's really, really early days or even false labour at this stage but i'll be hanging out here today nonetheless. I've a lemon polenta cake recipe i'd like to test and i'm sure a day of tv could be quite inviting.
The hospital called at 8.50am to ask why I hadn't shown up for my C section. I told them the baby had turned and I thought it had been cancelled. They are SO inefficient!! I hope that didn't mean someone couldn't get a slot.... I asked the midwife who called what to do re my pains and she said just take it easy. It could all die down today. I can take paracetemol for the pain but as it's not that bad, I shan't do that just yet.
Thank you all for playing along with me today.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Show and tell
No news at this end.
More "show" - which for info is (and you may want to look away at this point) bloody mucus from the mucus plug of the cervix which is starting to come away. Mine is brownish tinged and not overly mucus-y.
I'm finding walking a bit of an effort - a trip to the post box was fairly uncomfortable as TP is sitting low and heavy on my cervix and I now have a bit of lower back cramping. It's also FREEZING out. We've had snow in October for the first time in 70 years! Seventy years! All v strange. It was a beautiful crisp sunny day after the snow though.
I've been trying to finish off articles today and clear my desk. I fitted in an episode of Desperate Housewives - which i'm now up to date on. I'm so not loving the 5 year leap ahead. It's like watching a different programme. I'm sure you girls in the US are miles ahead of us here.
I need to do a final hospital bag sort out and then am ready(ish)
This could go on for days - i feel like the girl who's crying wolf. Watch this space xx
More "show" - which for info is (and you may want to look away at this point) bloody mucus from the mucus plug of the cervix which is starting to come away. Mine is brownish tinged and not overly mucus-y.
I'm finding walking a bit of an effort - a trip to the post box was fairly uncomfortable as TP is sitting low and heavy on my cervix and I now have a bit of lower back cramping. It's also FREEZING out. We've had snow in October for the first time in 70 years! Seventy years! All v strange. It was a beautiful crisp sunny day after the snow though.
I've been trying to finish off articles today and clear my desk. I fitted in an episode of Desperate Housewives - which i'm now up to date on. I'm so not loving the 5 year leap ahead. It's like watching a different programme. I'm sure you girls in the US are miles ahead of us here.
I need to do a final hospital bag sort out and then am ready(ish)
This could go on for days - i feel like the girl who's crying wolf. Watch this space xx
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Still here...just
Still here and trying to pack in work, invoicing, birth prep etc. Need to load my ipod still, buy a few hospital provisions and finish off some work.
Had a bit of a show earlier today but nothing since. Could be hours. Could be days. If TP decides tonight's the night i'll have stuff hanging over, but then, so what. It feels a bit like the night before going on holiday when i'm always up too late packing and now I should have been more organised.
All I can tell you is that it's way past my bedtime and I must go to sleep. Can you tell i'm in a bit of a tizz.....?!
xx
Had a bit of a show earlier today but nothing since. Could be hours. Could be days. If TP decides tonight's the night i'll have stuff hanging over, but then, so what. It feels a bit like the night before going on holiday when i'm always up too late packing and now I should have been more organised.
All I can tell you is that it's way past my bedtime and I must go to sleep. Can you tell i'm in a bit of a tizz.....?!
xx
Monday, October 27, 2008
Tick tock
Time ticks on and there are no signs of TP emerging just yet.
I just saw there are 7 days until my due date. SEVEN DAYS! Can't believe it. My doctor decided to go her own way with my due date and work out the date of my last period, which seemed ridiculous as I knew the date of conception and really didn't know for sure the period date. She decided it would be 7th. The consultant i've been seeing chose the happy medium of 5th November. Sooooooo my due date has become v confused. What all this could mean is that we could be waiting until 19th November when they'd induce for sure. THE NINETEENTH!! I'm sure it won't be that long.
I had a really bad stitch-like pain on Saturday that I couldn't shift and it started roaming round my tummy so we were advised to pop into the hospital for monitoring. TP was fine and although they got the odd contraction (Braxton Hicks i'm sure) there was no action. I was told to take Paracetomol and come back if concerned. The pains went away.
The Dr who did have a feel around said TP's now engaged. I'm impressed with the quick flip and dive straight in. Clever baby.
I'm feeling quite heavy now. I popped to Oxford St in the pouring rain on Sunday morning (as you do when you're about to have a baby) to exhange some pj's and bras at Mothercare and had to walk (from my car) at about 1 mile an hour. I think i like it better at home at the minute. A first for me. I've been so active until now, it's just starting to hit.
My bag is now packed (mainly) and i've a separate bag with TP's provisions in it.
We've been tidying up and emptied a drawer full of old IVF drugs, needles, leaflets and vitamins etc into a bag. I'm too superstitious to chuck that (and my most recent needle bin) away just in case it jinxes anything. (I know, i know, it sounds totally mad) When I have TP in my arms (please g-d) i'll get rid of the bits. I've still got Pure.gon in my fridge - useless and out of date, but a sort of talisman. (Mad, mad, mad)
I still can't quite believe that there could be a baby at the end of this. After all the different Dr's we've talked to, the grim, silent waiting rooms, injections, clinic appointments, 2WW's, bfn's and despair. It blows my mind. I almost deleted this para as it seemed too presumptuous.
Right - i've work to do so i'll clock off. I'll post if there's any news. xx
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Two year anniversary!!
Finally here. How things have changed in two years. This time two years ago I was into cycle one. I had no idea I was going to go through that five times over the subsequent two years. I still know I'm one of the lucky ones and feel immensely blessed.
I was going to celebrate with cake. Have eaten so much of it lately and having had a return to the nausea of early pregnancy, I actually don't feel like noshing cake.
For the last two weeks a hypnotherapy CD for a natural birth has been sitting on a shelf in my hallway. I've been meaning to return it and buy one on C-section births.
I won't be needing to do that.
TP has finally done what most baby's do and turned. At this morning's appointment my Consultant (and a medical student) had a feel and could feel a hard mass low down. We popped into the scanning room and sure enough, there was a little baby head down at the bottom of my belly.
I shouldn't admit this but i'm a little disappointed. We were all set to meet TP next week and now it could be anything up to 4 weeks. FOUR WEEKS!!!!
It's time to bounce on my Swiss ball eat hot curries, drink raspberry leaf tea and consider perineal massage. The thought of that was so gross - having been nowhere near that end for so many months, other than to tend to my haemorrhoids (TMI I know) - I haven't been able to face it. I might even have to persuade Mr G to do the do - which he's way to scared to as he feels it's just not right with TP so close.
I stil might not have to but now there's a very real chance that I might be pushing TP out the proper exit, it's time to prepare! Mr G paid no attention to the labour stuff at our classes as he thought we'd been let off labour. No chance. His child has other plans for us.
Well done TP for leaving it to the last minute and for mucking Daddy's diary up! A chip off the old block!
Please go cheer Meredith on (link in my last post) as her beta's moving on up. Everything's crossed for her - one of my senior buddies (hope she doesn't mind my saying that) - who's really been through it.
xx
Monday, October 20, 2008
Belly shot
I've (finally) posted a new belly shot way back in my July posts under the 20 something shot.
[Belly shot is in my 9 July post headed Belly and body Shot - sorry Soapchick that you couldn't find it!]
As you'll see, I've grown a bit - well TP has....
I need to shout out to a few of my buddies out there - Almamay who's in a 2WW, Becks who's signed up with the clinic that did the do for me, Andi - who's into another donor cycle with her sis and Meredith - who anxiously waiting to see if her low beta is going to turn her into a mom.
I'm thinking of you all, girls and so, so want it to be your time. xxxx
[Belly shot is in my 9 July post headed Belly and body Shot - sorry Soapchick that you couldn't find it!]
As you'll see, I've grown a bit - well TP has....
I need to shout out to a few of my buddies out there - Almamay who's in a 2WW, Becks who's signed up with the clinic that did the do for me, Andi - who's into another donor cycle with her sis and Meredith - who anxiously waiting to see if her low beta is going to turn her into a mom.
I'm thinking of you all, girls and so, so want it to be your time. xxxx
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