I've been sorely disappointed by Jenny from the Block this week. Whether or not her fraternal twins - born to a 38 year old mother after years of trying - were IVF babies or not, it's offensive how vehemently she has denied it. I almost liked her - as i've warmed and felt a slight affinity to many female celebrities attempting to sneak a baby into the dusk of their reproductive years. I've gone right off her.



Also on the IVF news front. It was reported yesterday that a 57 year old lady has just had a perfect baby after IVF with DE. My first thought was concern at someone becoming a first time mum 3 years short of her pension.

She'd had 3 IVF cycles and had thought the last one had ended in a m/c. She was diagnosed with suspected Ovarian Cancer but when she went for a scan, they found a 30 week old growing foetus in there! I then read she'd spent her fertile years nursing her poor old mum and had only met Mr Right in recent years. Maybe that's ok. Thing is though, she's most likely going to end up needing that little girl to support her in years to come. It was encouraging though that a DE cycle can work at such an advanced age. Good luck to her and her husband.

Next topic - why is there no a book for people pregnant after IVF? IVF pregnancies must bring up more concerns than non-IVF ones. For a start, if something were to go wrong, there's no guarantee that you can start again. After 4/5 tries for this one, i'm not sure there's much chance of my being able to repeat the miracle. Every twingey, crampy, un-nauseous, less tired moment brings a mild panic. Each scan has me holding my breath in case this statistically unlikely miracle ceases to exist.

I want to do the right thing by my body and the passenger, but what am I allowed to do? Can I exercise like a "normal" pregnant person? How easy should I be taking things? Do the extra drugs I inject into my body 3 times a day and the steroid I pop each morning mean that i'll feel more/less hormonal? Right now, i'm too superstitious to be buying books anyway - perhaps I will if i reach the 12 week watershed. Does anyone know of a book? If not, perhaps i'll write one - i've plenty of ladies to ask for input.

I've reached the heady heights of 9 whole weeks today. I've a scan at my clinic tomorrow. Either way it should be my last one there. If it goes well, i'm released to find sonographers new. If it doesn't go well...well, there'll be nothing more to look at. Today i'm pretty crampy but that could be my slow guts which are grinding to a hormonal halt. I'm breakfasting on branflakes, filling my morning smoothie with bran and oats and snacking on dried fruits in an effort to move things along. It's not entirely sweet smelling in Mr G's and my love nest...

Oh - I went to see Love in the Time of Cholera yesterday. It was PANTS! It's full of young people made up to look old. I hate that - Just get an older actor!! Also, they use a really cute young guy for one character and then swap him for Javier Bardem (the deliciously evil villain from No Country for Old Men) from one scene to the next. He looks 20 years older, which I think he probably is. It's just desperately bad and way too long.

I also made marmalade over the weekend. I've been meaning to make it for ages. I just can't seem to master jam and marmalade making. I either stop boiling too soon and end up a too soft set or go to far and get a solid fruity mass. Yesterday's is a sweet orange liquid. Tastes great but spreads a bit too easily! I may have to go for a reboil. Just don't know the secret. The pics a generic marmalade, not mine.

I was worried my last post contained insensitive stuff as I had very few comments.(*) I really hope not. I've read it and re read it. I'm toying with a 2nd pg blog. I just don't want to go there just yet as it may be the shortest blog ever. I'll see. I really hope i'm not writing anything upsetting. I hope none of the above is. Perhaps i'll split neutral and IF stuff from pg stuff with a big line. Do let me know if you've any constructive criticism.

(*) Not that i'm precious about low comment numbers. It was just a drop off and I thought i'd check.

Threading rocks!

The threading was fantastic! Not too painful - not nearly as painful as an iv being inserted or my daily Cl.exane jab. I'm sure i'm better at pain now after so many jabs.

I've ended up with lovely neat brows and (i'm almost embarassed to admit) a much smoother top lip. I haven't exactly got a 'tache but I do get a bit self-conscious on a sunny day. It was done in minutes. i also had a manicure but later that day had a minor panic about nail varnish and took it all off - whilst holding my breath so I didn't breath in any chemicals. Nutter!!

Yesterday I finished off the major defuzz with a trip to my beautician for a bit of waxing. All areas are now smooth and hair free. Not really sure why I bothered. The only time i get my legs out at the moment is for my scans and i'm not sure the Doc is studying my hair growth - or at least I hope not.

My beautician is lovely. We've been together since before I married Mr G so she did all my wedding prep - facials, waxing etc - and gave me lots of advice. She got pg on her first month of trying but miscarried early in 2007 Once she tried again it took maybe 3 months and she's now a month off giving birth. She looks great. I've avoided her for a while as I couldn't face seeing how pg she was. She knows all about my IVF history. When I told her yesterday that I was v newly pg she gave me a huge hug. It was good not to feel so down at her happiness.

I also told my Uncle yesterday. He's my late father's brother and we're very close. He was delighted and amazed. He said he thought it wasn't going to happen. He of little faith. I said it's v v early days and we're still in the danger zone but it was good to make him happy.

I met my Uncle in a cafe i used to visit all the time. There was a girl in there who i recognised from the studio where I used to do Pilates. I went a few times a week pre-wedding to get in shape. It was amazing - Pilates really makes a huge difference. I was also about 20lbs lighter. Anyway, this girl was on the same track and got married about 6 months after me. She was in the cafe yesterday with her newish baby. It still rocked me a little that she'd gone straight through and had her child whilst I'm still en route. I felt very grateful that i have the passenger at least or that would've ruined my day.

My ex-nurse friend (she trained as a chef with me after she left nursing) was amazing at the ge.stone shot! I want to go there every day! So professional and almost zero pain! I think i need to ask her to give Mr G lessons. I also discovered that standing up and not lying face down on the bed is the way to go.

Finally, I can't believe there's yet more tragic news. Busted Babymaker's loss of her twins at 23 weeks is horrific. Life is so f'ing unfair. I'm not sure i'd be standing if that had happened to me. I'm praying for her to have the strength she needs to make it through this.

Mr G has gone to catch his plane

...as all was well at the scan.

My passenger is starting to look like a baby! It's amazing. We saw a head, the beginnings of limbs and its little beating heart. For the first time I felt a bit tearful.

Mr G was also a bit emotional, although, when I asked him afterwards, he said he was mildly distracted, because he was standing near my feet and not in the usual position up near my head and had a bird's eye (or should that be bloke's eye) view of my coozie. He couldn't decide where to look first...

Anyway, with the news all good today, we went off to a lovely patisserie where i hoovered up two slices of walnut bread slathered in choc/praline spread - yum. I then dropped Mr G at Pa.ddington Stn so he could catch the Heath.row Express to the airport for his plane to D.enmark.

I've asked an ex-nurse friend to do the honours with the Gest.one tonight. Had to share my news with her and she was delighted. Felt a little embarrassed to tell her...not sure why. I suppose this still feels very private. Perhaps when we're past the first trimester (fingers crossed) I'll feel a little more genuinely pg.

I'm off for manicure and some eyebrow threading now at a friend's house. Hope it's not too painful... Still, as most of us are well aware - you gotta put up with a whole lotta pain if you want any pleasure.

8w2d

Quick post as i should be getting dressed and ready to go for No 3 scan.

I'm a little nervous, but not nearly as nervous as I was on Monday when I was symptom-free all day. No nausea, no hunger, nothing. I spent half a day with Dr Google checking out sudden stoppage of pg symptoms. It didn't look good. Many sites telling me that it was a sign of m/c - can't even write the words here, too superstitious.

Anyway, I felt a little worse yesterday - return of ravenous moments and marginal nausea. As I was working in a friend's kitchen making canapes all day, it was good not to feel too bad. This morning, not only am I dog tired but also back into the whole nausea thing AND seem to have heartburn from my Weet.abix and banana breakfast. Mr G's delighted with my ailments. Especially as he has to fly off to Denma.rk and Sw.eden on a business trip just after our appointment and was terrified he'd be leaving a distraught wife.

I'm anxious but not scared stiff.

I'll write more later. With three husband free days, i'll have lots of time to bring you up to speed.

A huge hug to Almamay who's suffered another BFN. She doesn't deserve this s**t. Life's so f'ing unfair.

Not all moaning round here

I forgot to mention a couple of things that might make you smile.

My gorgeous DH is now treating me like an invalid. I'm not allowed to do anything. He now does the supermarket shop without me which involves at least 3 phone calls to check he's buying the right thing. Tonight i've answered queries on cheese, tinned tomatoes and breaded fish. Somehow the shop always costs quite a bit more than when I was doing it. This isn't going to last - especially since (call me weird but) I actually quite enjoy a mooch round the supermarket.

Second. We've been creating memories that will last a lifetime but possibly not ones i'll treasure exactly. Since we gave up the EM.LA with my nightly Gest.one shot we've been using ice. I don't actually have any ice trays at the moment so I was freezing a little dish of water to put on my butt pre jab. Forgot to freeze it the other night so I had to search the freezer for a suitable substitute. The smallest item was a frozen banana muffin. I'm not sure my s.ex appeal will ever recover since Mr G will always have the picture of me lying face down on the bed with a muffin on my behind.

BTW, the Doc said it would be ok to use EM.LA still. Even so, i'm just not prepared to risk it. I've surprised myself with my extremely cautious behaviour. No perfume, hair colour nor, worst of all, tuna!! A tiny sacrifice on the scale of things.

ps: Carrie - thanks for your offer. Yes I am a Mac user. Please, please help me get out of blogger dunce school!!!

8.5mm

Mr G asked me why I haven 't posted for a while. He's a lurker on my blog. Reads every post but never comments. Wonder if i've any others?

Anyway, the answer to his question was that generally, i've felt uncharacteristically quiet. I haven't really had much to say. I'm finding the transition from "in treatment" to "in transit" slightly awkward. I should be jumping for joy to have got this far (and I do thank G-d several times a day for getting Mr G and I to this point) but i'm cautious about writing something that might upset my friends still in treatment which is the last thing i'd want to do.

So, I need to find a way of writing that isn't so joy-filled as to upset those still in the trenches - not that I really feel quite out of there just yet. On the other hand, I don't want to sound so moany that I seem ungrateful for having got this far!

My news is good. We went for our scan on Monday. The Doctor who scanned me was pleased with how everything looked. He showed us a tiny heartbeat - not that Mr G or I really saw what he was pointing to despite our both saying "Aaah yes" as he gestured at the screen. He measured the tiny blob (I REFUSE to call it (*) a bean, I just find that really cutesy and irritating) and told us it was 8.5mm. Nearly a whole centimetre!

I'm immensely relieved but unable to accept this as a reality just yet. My symptoms come and go - which freaks me out no end. One minute can't even consider a bite to eat and almost heaving at every smell. Next minute no such difficulties and stuffing copious amounts in my mouth. My boobs are less tender today, although if I keep prodding them, they soon will be.

I'm sorry to write like this. I can just hear people saying - "why can't she just be grateful for what she's got!!" I am SO very grateful for having got this far. I think to myself several times each day how lucky I am. Having got here via 5 IVF's during which we were advised to give up) I know how blessed we are. I also know it could all disappear tomorrow. Life is very fragile.

This whole game is truly one of luck and chance. I hope that my story of perseverance and persistence gives others some hope. If the tiny blob does stick around, I'll have to think about how I continue to blog. I started this blog to share my experience of infertility with others, to get support and to give it. I'm not sure how my droning on about a pregnancy helps others. I'm not about to go anywhere, but I do need to work out how to go forward without upsetting others.

A big hug to Carrie at Precious LIttle... who got a BFN this week. (Becks - thanks for your advice on links. I tried to follow it, but it doesn't work for blogger! I'll keep trying - or move to wordpress - might be easier all round...)

(*) going to have to come up with a name for our little blob, but i'm really not one for nicknames etc. Cant keep calling them "it" for much longer though!

Update

Just a quick one as Mr G's nagging me to stop using my laptop...

The scan showed one sac and a little flickering white heartbeat! We have something inside! Phew!

I went straight down for my IVI.g which took the rest of the day. It was no hardship to be stuck indoors today as it has been revolting. Windy, rainy and stormy.

I'm back next Monday for a scan. I'll be 7 weeks then.

The hunger has kicked in. One minute i'm fine. The next i'm RAVENOUS. I don't need much to stop the hunger but it just arrives from nowhere and I suddenly HAVE to eat. I'm ready for my dinner right now.

I'm one step closer to that baby.

Scared

I've just read about Natalie at LunarDreams dot net. I've spelt out her address because I'm still too rubbish to manage a link. She's just lost her little boy at 36 weeks. THIRTY SIX WEEKS!!!! What a horrendous thing to happen and I can't imagine how she and her husband must be feeling. I felt I wanted to display this candle to them as a mark of respect.



Life's SO unfair. Why should this happen? Why does this happen to people who've been through so much to get pg in the first place. Haven't they had their share of heartache? Her post about the loss is heartbreaking. I shed a tear for her.

*************************************************************************

This morning i'm scared. I feel less and less pregnant. I haven't woken up desperate to pee for the last few mornings. My nausea is less and less and my bosoms, whilst tender, are not as big as they were. I wish I could calm down and stop worrying but it's so hard not to.

I spent last night stressing because (and i'm almost tempted not to mention this as i'm embarrassed for being so stupid) i have each night post BFP continued to rub EM.LA cream into my butt before my gest.one jab. I have been careful to use paraben free hand creams and body products, no perfumes, additives, hair colour, dodgy foodstuffs but have continued to rub local anaesthetic into my skin!! What was I thinking of?! Last night we went EM.LA-free for the jab and guess what? It was fine! I so hope I haven't done anything awful.

At 10.15 today I have a (very early) scan to see what's there. This will help them decide on the IVI.g timetable. I may or may not be staying at the clinic for the day. They don't feed us so I need to take food. I've put some snacks in a bag but almost feel too superstitious to take them with me. What if there's nothing inside me and they send me home? I won't want a silly bag of food reminding me that i'd hoped everything was normal. Neurotic? I know. I think i'll just be this way permanently until there's a baby in my arms.

Anyway. I'll let you later know how I get on.

My bum does look big in this

It's been a funny few days. I've been asked twice if i'm pg. Weird. I'm starting to worry i've put on way too much weight during this cycle.

On Thursday, I was helping out at a synagogue function. A lady in her 60's and I were washing up in the kitchen. I said how hungry I was as I shovelled a chocolate brownie in my mouth. She asked when I was due. I looked so horrified and said "what?!!" in such an amazed way, that she must have assumed she'd done that calling the fat bird pg thing. She was obviously mortified, quickly backtracked and totally changed the subject. I was wearing a fairly smocky dress and my tummy is a bit swollen after the jabs, but omg! If i'd not been so early on in this and had i known her better I might have put her out of her misery

Today, our electrician came to fix something for us. We've known him a while and he knows we've been trying. I'd just got up (it was early) and was wearing a big sweatshirt and loose trousers. He saw me and said - "Have you something to tell me? Have you got some news?". Mr G just looked at me helplessly and I said actually yes, we do but it's really early days. The electrician (who's so lovely) was mortified that he said such a thing. I'm now 100% paranoid that i'm a fat heffer.

Mr G didn't help when he said my bottom IS bigger. Surely he's been married long enough to know the answer to the bottom question is always a no, even if the said posterior is the size of a bus. He said it's probably all the gestone we're injecting. AS IF!!!!

Never mind. At least I AM pg and not being asked by people randomly. Nonetheless, i'm clearly not going to be one of those gorgeous girls who doesn't look pg from behind and whose tiny bump disappears as soon as she's dispensed her cute little bundle. I'll just have to eat heathily and start exercising again once i've got over this humongous tiredness.

The clinic have stopped testing my hcg. I got to the 14,000's last week and they said to come in on Monday for a scan. They may or may not do the IVI.g on Monday, depending on what they find in there. I'm pretty nervous and positive I have fewer symptoms today.... I wish we were able to know what's going on in there. A little window perhaps....

Knickers - the post with TMI

I've finally got a scan date!

After my fifth (!) blood draw - which had doubled again (7439) the clinic have said i'll probably have IVIg on Monday with a scan first. They scan first to make sure it's worth pumping thousands of pounds into my veins. They told me not to expect to see much as it will be so early - 6 weeks exactly since ER. After reading many tales of empty sacs i know to try to be calm if there's no magical flickering.

Symptoms are minimal. Wipe out tiredness; frequent weeing - generally once in night and then not being able to sleep again for ages; v tender bosoms; nausea from time to time but not enough to stop me eating and lots of CM (i know tmi but it's been heavy since my 2WW and has me off to the bathroom for a knicker check and a wipe every half hour in case it's more than just CM.

On the subject of knickers I usually stick to black undies. As it's far too difficult for the neurotic woman to check for spotting, I actually went to buy white knickers especially so I can be certain of any minute spotting episodes. I'm almost embarrassed!

Also in knickers, a warning tale. I usually warm up my gestone in my bra for while pre jab. The nurse told me to. Helps it go in better. The other day, i had no bra on as it had been too tight and making me sore. Sooooooo i thought i'd pop it in my knickers. Just in the waist band as it was the only place it'd be close to my skin. Not clever. Went for a pre injection wee and dropped the vial on the tiled floor. It broke and i lost the lot and had to spend time wiping oily goo from the floor. They're so hard to crack open but just break into pieces with a little tap on the floor. How does anyone else warm up gestone or do they? Does it make a difference?

Off to work now xx

Feels like spring

We have loads of daffodils growing in our garden. It give me huge pleasure each time I look outside. Even if it's not sunny it looks it as they're so brightly coloured. These aren't ours but i thought i'd include them to cheer up my post.

On the pregnancy front - things are continuing to move up. Sunday's hcg score was 3411 - more than double friday's 1471. My cramps had stopped so I'd got myself into a panic about everything having stopped. I really must calm down.

The nurse who called also told me that my NK tests were back and that I may need another IVI.g - at £1400(!) I'm not sure how they decide whether or not to do it. Perhaps if I stop doubling. I've another test on Tuesday.

Yesterday morning I went for my blood test. The vampire centre opens at 9am. I arrived at 9.10am and was already number in the queue!! It was madness! Bumped into a girl i'd cycled with - the first time i've seen any of the girls I spent so much time chatting too. She had waited since last August to cycle as her FSH was so high. She's only in her early 30's. They finally let her go for it at 12.7 and she'd managed a BFP. However, it was only 42 and had gone down the second time. She was in for a third test to establish whether or not she has a pregnancy that will continue. I really felt for her. It was her first cycle though so I hope that even if this isn't the one maybe the next one will be.

I'm a little more excited about the future, but still a bit tetchy. My mum and dad came over for tea yesterday as it was Mother's Day. I made some scones, bagels and bridge rolls (little sweetened bread rolls) with a mixture of smoked salmon, hummus and cucumber as well as a clementine cake. The pictured cake's not mine but it looks just the same. It's the easiest recipe in the world and delicious - well worth a try.

We didn't really talk about the pregnancy too much. We're all a bit scared to go there I think. My mum gave me a huge hug when she turned up. When the clinic called with my hcg results we talked some more about what's going on.

I'm not sure why, but I feel just a bit irritable with my mother. I can't work out why. Since we got a bfp she's told me twice about a cousin (who married a year after us) who is already 5 or 6 months pg. No one had told me before. I understand why.

Now that we have a chance at our own baby she keeps telling me I should ring and congratulate my cousin. I hardly ever speak to this cousin normally so I don't feel that i'm suddenly fertile (or magnnanimous) enough to be totally cool about calling up to wish her well. It makes me feel very guilty but perhaps my mother should be a little more sensitive.

On the subject of Mother's Day, although everything was full of it (papers, card shops, restaurants) it was nice not feeling totally distraught about my not being a mummy myself. I can't yet quite see myself being one next year but my chances are a whole lot better than they were.

I still feel a little guilty about posting about my BFP. So many people are still not. I hope though that my age and IVF history gives people some hope ...