Monday, January 11, 2010

Happy New Year


Gosh, it's been so long since i published a real, live blog entry, i'm feeling a bit strange about posting. I feel a bit outside the clique.

I've kept my eye on my ladies and even commented on a few. I'm still the IV.F guru to my nearest and dearest and. I'll always be infertile and IF will be a large part of my life.

I just don't feel I can get quite as comfortable in that world. Where once I could walk in heave off my shoes and have a good old vent about life with friends who shared my emotions, I don't feel I've liberty to moan about my wanting for a second child when there are countless others still waiting for one. How dare I?

But every time yet another of the girls in my NCT (childbirth) peer group announces their second pregnancy ("oh i really didn't think it would happen so soon!!!") it's a kick in the guts and it takes a few days to shake off the grey cloud that sits Linus-like, over me.

I don't feel connected with them - the fertile majority, discussing 'when' not 'if' they'll have their babies. Accidental pregnancies and 'first go' conceptions abound. I'm not one of them and I don't want to know about it. I'd be fine living in a little bubble of me, Mr G and B, as then I'd feel ok about my one, gorgeous adorable child. More than ok, blessed. Totally and utterly. I love him so very much. Here's a gratuitous pic

I didn't come online to moan though. I came online to report that we're finally close to finding out if that lonely embryo has any chance of making it further than the 2 days of existence it has reached. I've been visiting the clinic for the last few days for bloods and scans and they called today to say they MIGHT attempt a thaw tomorrow.

The solo embryo has travelled across town and is waiting patiently for its big moment. It has a 50:50 chance of defrosting and then a itty, bitty chance of making it to a real, live pregnancy. If it's not going to make it then i'd almost rather we don't get past the defrost. I'll be upset, certainly, but at least I won't spend a fortnight obsessing, injecting £'s and £'s worth of drugs and fantasising about a future little P.

I'm playing all of this down - to myself even. I keep reminding myself it's SO unlikely to work - but who am i kidding? Which IV.F cycle isn't followed by a huge emotional precipice from which you spend the next few weeks crawling out of? It's like a woman saying that she doesn't get emotionally involved after s*x. Yeah, right.

So, in the next few days we'll know the score and then Mr G and I can decide what next. Are we too old to try IV.F again? Do we have the stomach for it? Are we brave enough to try adoption? Who knows? If only it were as easy as the happy accidents that happen all around us. But then, perhaps we wouldn't appreciate what we've got as much as we do.


Bee Cee said...

Good luck honey, I will be rooting for you x

Bea said...

Doesn't sound highly offensive to me :) Maybe a little sensitive for some.

Good luck with the FET! You point about kidding yourself about your ability to cushion the fall is a good one.


Almamay said...

Incredibly well said. Wishing you the best. x

Soapchick said...

No offense taken, and boy oh boy is Barnaby ADORABLE!!! He'll be a lady killer someday for certain!