Saturday, January 23, 2010

Weird place

I'm too scared to test.

I have NO idea how I got to the beta last time without testing. How can I go to the test place on Monday morning without having first got an idea of what the scores on the doors might be. BUT this time i'm too scared to test. I had no test kits at home last time and refused to buy one as I was too superstitious.

This time i've given in and added to my internet grocery shop a sneaky HPT kit. Somehow that felt less 'naughty' than going into the chemist. It was, of course, the first thing i laid my hands on when i unpacked the groceries last night. I looked at it a little and took it straight to my bathroom where i hid it on a high shelf behind my jumbo box of tampons. The shelves are glass so I can still see the bottom of the box but i'm trying not to look.

I woke at 4am needing the bathroom and lay wondering if i should test, but I sort of like this place where i'm "almost pg". Where I can daydream of what might be. [I typed some daydreams there, but had to delete them, because it felt too 'out there' in print.]

One of the websites calls this place 'PUPO' - which i imagine means pg unless proven otherwise. (I'm sure that's a common term) It's a better place to be than - where i'll be after a BFN. I didn't test, but couldn't get back to sleep until almost 6am when B started chattering so i'm now a bit zombied.

Emotionally this really isn't as bad as last time although Mr G says it's harder for him. The only way it's harder is because i have now had a BFP and am second guessing myself wondering if this is like that - sadly it doesn't seem to be as I have next to no symptoms. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Except for some cramps. No AF yet. As i'm not nearly as drugged up as last time should AF not be here by now? I'm on day 31 of my cycle. But then maybe not, as i ovulated really late this month. Who knows!

I spent yesterday afternoon in a room of pg women. My NCT (childbirth class - not sure if you have an equivalent where you are?) group met. Of the girls who had their first with me, 4 are already well on their way to their second. There was a lot of bump patting and pg chatter. I know I should be gracious and happy for them but i find it hard and, at times painful. Guess i'll just have to get over myself...or stop seeing them. I got a bit comfortable in the fertile world there being matey with them. i should know better!

I do think we'll have to try again now. A friend I saw on Thursday has 2 girls. The first conceived naturally, the second after 2 rounds of IV.F. She conceived her little girl (3 months younger than B) at 41 and was just 42 when she was born. I could do that.... Will - with Mr G's permission - find out about the next steps as soon as we can.


Almamay said...

Was thinking about you this morning and then saw your post. Sending you mucho love.

On the oldies debate. I was 43 when I conceived Boo Ba and had a natural IUI as well as a FET for that cycle. Never did an IVF till I was 40 so if he was a result of the FET embies those eggs weren't young either. Because of my age we are already starting to think about our next cycle but will try naturally for a few months before trying again with some frosties. My consultant thinks we have a good chance trying naturally at 44. Bless her cotton socks because without her knowledge and faith (despite my age) Boo Ba wouldn't be here.

Alex and Jill said...

After reading this post, I'm anxious for you. I can't even imagine when we start trying again. I think to myself that it will be easier since we already have Amelia, but from reading your post - I don't think it will be.

I so hope you're preggers!


Bea said...

The time will come when you'll want to test, I'm sure. Fingers crossed for the result.