Fabulous and 40

Today I am 40 years old.

I thought i'd feel really old, but i couldn't be less bothered. All my school friends turned 40 ages ago - i was the very youngest in the year - so i feel young.

Funny to think that 40 years ago my Mum had a baby only 4 weeks younger than my little boy.

I hope all those of you still trying can take heart in my success at such a ripe old age.

We're off here for breakfast and my Mum and Stepdad are coming over with tea for us.

I don't need any gifts -


i've got everything i ever wanted. Thank you G-d.

Happier times

This is Marylebone Registry office.

Last time I was in there it was to register my father's death. I went with my brother.

I visited yesterday with Mr G and BB to register BB's birth. Happier times. I must have blocked the earlier experience from my mind as I had almost no recollection of the room you do the registering in. I'll remember this time for ever.

Mr G had tears in his eyes as he signed the notification paper.

My son (my son!!) is a proper, legal person.

xx

We made the front page

I'm about to blow cover with a link to a newspaper which has a pic of us and our little boy. We made the front page this week - which made us laugh...a lot.

We also made their headline board thing that stands outside the newsagents. It says 'Baby at last for IVF couple'.

If you know us please don't tell anyone else about my blog. I'm pretty sure no one will know us....

Here's the link

xx

BB's birth - SUPER LONG POST WARNING!

I've finally got a few minutes between feeds whilst the boy sleeps. I could either eat breakfast, go to the toilet or type and (madly) i thought i'd type whilst i've a few minutes.

So, the labour started at about 2am on Thursday 30th, the day he should have been coming out via C section. I woke with contractions about 5 mins apart. I didn't wake Mr G who was asleep in the next door room, where he'd been sleeping for the last few weeks as my nocturnal wakenings were keeping us both up.

By 6am the contractions had calmed a little and were more widely spaced. They carried on all day, sometimes close and sometimes up to 20 mins apart. They were just in my back so I wasn't sure that it was really labour pains.

A friend sent an e mail saying she'd been having similar pains for the last week!!! I cried at the thought I could be stuck with those pains for that long! It wasn't the pain so much as it was bearable but the thought i'd have to wait that long and probably would be housebound for that time as I had to stop and sway etc each time to get through them.

Anyway, I decided to put on my TENS machine at 9 or 10pm ish and I asked Mr G to help fix the pads on me. We had a bottle of alcohol type stuff to put on me to help the pads stick. He couldn't get it to come out and squeezed so hard the lid flew off and the stuff went in his eyes, down my trousers and in my underwear. It STUNG!!! He was running around shouting it was in his eyes and we both had to rush to the bathroom so I could shower it off and he could splash his eyes. It was all a bit Benny Hill.

I stood in the shower for ages and decided to use it to run a bath for the pain. I lay in the bath - my 3rd that day - and watched my tummy moving. I thought it was Barney moving but now I think it was contractions making it all move. When I got out the contractions were a minute on and a minute off and I couldn't even get dressed it was so uncomfortable. I had Mr G put the TENS on and that really helped. That, breathing and very loud music. I also moaned a lot - goodness knows what my neighbours must have thought!

So I rang the hospital who said I should wait a couple of hours before going in. Mr G was rushing around packing bags and showering etc while I swayed and moaned. AT 12am, we decided to get in my Mini to travel as I couldn't face going in a taxi. It took me 3 contractions to get in the car. I had to kneel on all fours on the back seat. We took a route to avoid speed bumps as I definitely wasn't up to them.

The contractions eased a bit once I was outside and in the car, so I suggested we drive around a bit to delay going to hospital. Mr G sensibly ignored that clever suggestion and drove us straight there. We slowly walked in and got up to the labour ward. They examined me and said I was 3cm and the cervix was nice and soft and well effaced.

I would usually have been sent home but they said I could stay as they were quiet. I was left with gas and air, my TENS machine and my ipod in a cubicle to progress. What they didn't tell me was that they were going to leave me for 4 hours until they came to examine me again!! Mr G went to bring in our luggage - which i'd made him leave in the car in case we were sent home. He also moved the car into a car park.

When he arrived he sat in a chair and snoozed whilst I moaned, gyrated and sang (quietly) to Madonna on my ipod. I found it really hard to go to the bathroom as if I sat, it brought on major contraction pain, so I had to try to stand.

At 5am they came to see me again and let me go into a delivery room. I was 4cm by then and decided to have an epidural. Had I been able to use the pool i might have tried that as water really helped relieve the pain. But the fact I couldn't plus the fact that if I didn't go for it then i'd have to wait another 4 hours before the opportunity would arise again (hospital policy not to examine more than every 4 hours). A lady anesthetist turned up and fixed me up. Marvellous.

By now, the sun was rising and I was having a good time! Mr G went out for bagels for breakfast and I was allowed to eat one but told no more food now in case i needed surgery. Mr G snoozed on and off and I chatted to our new midwife - Kirsti from Finland - who'd started her shift at 8am. As they were quiet, i had her to myself all morning which was fantastic. I walked around and tried to make things move faster and they broke my waters to push things forward. When they ramped up the contractions with Syntmetrine I really started feeling the pain as the epi had worked only on 1 side. Suddenly, I was 8cm and feeling contractions down one side of my body. OWWWWW!!!!

The anesthetist was called - a new one now on the day shift - and they tried to wiggle the needle to get it to work fully. It didn't, so they had to take it all out and start again whilst i puffed on gas and air again like it was going out of fashion.

With the epi sorted a new problem arose. Barney was starting to show signs of distress on the monitor so, after a series of Dr's had had a good look up my undercarriage, the most senior Doc - a consultant - said they felt they should get him out asap. I was rushed into theatre double quick. I seem to remember being stripped and put into a hospital gown. At some point earlier they'd had me peeing into a tub thing as my bladder had got so huge it needed draining. I was held up by one nurse whilst the other held the tub. How humiliating! After that they put a catheter in.

The pain relief was ramped up although I didn't believe it was properly working at all. They check by spraying a freezing cold spray on your upper body and then on the anesthetised bit to see if you still feel it. I was sure I could feel it on the bits that hadn't been properly sorted before. I was told to pinch my own flesh to see if I felt it and I couldn't. Mildly upsetting was that pinching my leg felt like pinching a comedy fat suit. Nice...

I was still arguing that I could feel on my left when the anaesthetist said 'well they've started' which shut me up. Minutes later, whilst Mr G and I cried, Barney was pulled from my tummy. I had tried to hold back the tears in case they thought i was being a bit baby about the birth. Mr G was sent to cut the cord and give them clothes for B whilst I was stitched up. I started feeling really light headed and sick as well as impatient to see my little boy - who was screaming and rooting on Mr G looking for a feed! He still screams like a loon when he wakes and only wants to feed.

I'm sorry for such a long post and i'm sure most people will have given up by now. It's as much so i've got the memory straight and recorded.

We're still good and Barney is 3 weeks old tomorrow. It has flown but has been pretty hard work - NOT that i'd ever, ever complain for a second. I really do appreciate how lucky i am.

Here's......BB.....

Not only was Mr G allowed to take his camera into theatre, he was positively encouraged to take pics.

Here's my little passenger emerging from my tum at which point his father and I we were sobbing like babies...



...and here he is after a clean up and weigh in



I'll try to type the birth story when i've 2 hands free! Like us, BB likes his nosh so i'm currently expressing for his next feed. He gets 30 mins on me followed by a bottle of my finest home brew to fill him up. If he doesn't get it in 1 hit I can have him stop starting for 4 hrs at a time...

I cry at least 5 times a day over my miracle.

Thanks for all your lovely messages and to my lovely BeeCee for her card.

xxxx

i'm fine!!

...and typing this with 1 hand from under a v healthy baby boy.

Barnaby Baruch was born by emergency c section on friday 31st October. My labour started on thursday in the early hours - 2am. It was v sporadic until 11pm ish when contractions went from every 5-10 mins to every minute for a minute - OWWWW!

I came home from hospital on tues & he has kept me busy ever since. He has an endless appetite and little urge to sleep. I have raw nipples & more love for this little bundle than i know what to do with.

I'll type more when i've 2 hands. He was 7lbs 4oz and screamed immediately he emerged.

Thank you to all you wonderful girls for sharing my journey. They told us we had a 1% chance. This time last yr a clinic told us they wouldn't treat us and we should give up. If it happened for us....

I'll post pics asap.

xxxxx

Show but no show

I'm sure you're all starting to get as impatient with this baby as I am!!

Was up from 2am until 6am with another wodge of gorgeous plug and major lower back cramping. It was really quite close together but i decided not to wake Mr G who I thought should at least get his sleep. Mr G keeps on saying how much the term amuses him - makes him think of Rogers and Hammerstein. Glad someone finds this funny!

As i'm still here typing you might have guessed that is hasn't really progressed. It settled down a bit and the cramps are now coming about 10 mins apart and more and are much more bearable. I still think it's really, really early days or even false labour at this stage but i'll be hanging out here today nonetheless. I've a lemon polenta cake recipe i'd like to test and i'm sure a day of tv could be quite inviting.

The hospital called at 8.50am to ask why I hadn't shown up for my C section. I told them the baby had turned and I thought it had been cancelled. They are SO inefficient!! I hope that didn't mean someone couldn't get a slot.... I asked the midwife who called what to do re my pains and she said just take it easy. It could all die down today. I can take paracetemol for the pain but as it's not that bad, I shan't do that just yet.

Thank you all for playing along with me today.

Show and tell

No news at this end.

More "show" - which for info is (and you may want to look away at this point) bloody mucus from the mucus plug of the cervix which is starting to come away. Mine is brownish tinged and not overly mucus-y.

I'm finding walking a bit of an effort - a trip to the post box was fairly uncomfortable as TP is sitting low and heavy on my cervix and I now have a bit of lower back cramping. It's also FREEZING out. We've had snow in October for the first time in 70 years! Seventy years! All v strange. It was a beautiful crisp sunny day after the snow though.

I've been trying to finish off articles today and clear my desk. I fitted in an episode of Desperate Housewives - which i'm now up to date on. I'm so not loving the 5 year leap ahead. It's like watching a different programme. I'm sure you girls in the US are miles ahead of us here.

I need to do a final hospital bag sort out and then am ready(ish)

This could go on for days - i feel like the girl who's crying wolf. Watch this space xx

Still here...just

Still here and trying to pack in work, invoicing, birth prep etc. Need to load my ipod still, buy a few hospital provisions and finish off some work.

Had a bit of a show earlier today but nothing since. Could be hours. Could be days. If TP decides tonight's the night i'll have stuff hanging over, but then, so what. It feels a bit like the night before going on holiday when i'm always up too late packing and now I should have been more organised.

All I can tell you is that it's way past my bedtime and I must go to sleep. Can you tell i'm in a bit of a tizz.....?!

xx

Tick tock

Time ticks on and there are no signs of TP emerging just yet.

I just saw there are 7 days until my due date. SEVEN DAYS! Can't believe it. My doctor decided to go her own way with my due date and work out the date of my last period, which seemed ridiculous as I knew the date of conception and really didn't know for sure the period date. She decided it would be 7th. The consultant i've been seeing chose the happy medium of 5th November. Sooooooo my due date has become v confused. What all this could mean is that we could be waiting until 19th November when they'd induce for sure. THE NINETEENTH!! I'm sure it won't be that long.

I had a really bad stitch-like pain on Saturday that I couldn't shift and it started roaming round my tummy so we were advised to pop into the hospital for monitoring. TP was fine and although they got the odd contraction (Braxton Hicks i'm sure) there was no action. I was told to take Paracetomol and come back if concerned. The pains went away.

The Dr who did have a feel around said TP's now engaged. I'm impressed with the quick flip and dive straight in. Clever baby.

I'm feeling quite heavy now. I popped to Oxford St in the pouring rain on Sunday morning (as you do when you're about to have a baby) to exhange some pj's and bras at Mothercare and had to walk (from my car) at about 1 mile an hour. I think i like it better at home at the minute. A first for me. I've been so active until now, it's just starting to hit.

My bag is now packed (mainly) and i've a separate bag with TP's provisions in it.

We've been tidying up and emptied a drawer full of old IVF drugs, needles, leaflets and vitamins etc into a bag. I'm too superstitious to chuck that (and my most recent needle bin) away just in case it jinxes anything. (I know, i know, it sounds totally mad) When I have TP in my arms (please g-d) i'll get rid of the bits. I've still got Pure.gon in my fridge - useless and out of date, but a sort of talisman. (Mad, mad, mad)

I still can't quite believe that there could be a baby at the end of this. After all the different Dr's we've talked to, the grim, silent waiting rooms, injections, clinic appointments, 2WW's, bfn's and despair. It blows my mind. I almost deleted this para as it seemed too presumptuous.


Right - i've work to do so i'll clock off. I'll post if there's any news. xx

Two year anniversary!!

Finally here. How things have changed in two years. This time two years ago I was into cycle one. I had no idea I was going to go through that five times over the subsequent two years. I still know I'm one of the lucky ones and feel immensely blessed.

I was going to celebrate with cake. Have eaten so much of it lately and having had a return to the nausea of early pregnancy, I actually don't feel like noshing cake.


For the last two weeks a hypnotherapy CD for a natural birth has been sitting on a shelf in my hallway. I've been meaning to return it and buy one on C-section births.

I won't be needing to do that.

TP has finally done what most baby's do and turned. At this morning's appointment my Consultant (and a medical student) had a feel and could feel a hard mass low down. We popped into the scanning room and sure enough, there was a little baby head down at the bottom of my belly.

I shouldn't admit this but i'm a little disappointed. We were all set to meet TP next week and now it could be anything up to 4 weeks. FOUR WEEKS!!!!

It's time to bounce on my Swiss ball eat hot curries, drink raspberry leaf tea and consider perineal massage. The thought of that was so gross - having been nowhere near that end for so many months, other than to tend to my haemorrhoids (TMI I know) - I haven't been able to face it. I might even have to persuade Mr G to do the do - which he's way to scared to as he feels it's just not right with TP so close.

I stil might not have to but now there's a very real chance that I might be pushing TP out the proper exit, it's time to prepare! Mr G paid no attention to the labour stuff at our classes as he thought we'd been let off labour. No chance. His child has other plans for us.

Well done TP for leaving it to the last minute and for mucking Daddy's diary up! A chip off the old block!

Please go cheer Meredith on (link in my last post) as her beta's moving on up. Everything's crossed for her - one of my senior buddies (hope she doesn't mind my saying that) - who's really been through it.

xx

Belly shot

I've (finally) posted a new belly shot way back in my July posts under the 20 something shot.

[Belly shot is in my 9 July post headed Belly and body Shot - sorry Soapchick that you couldn't find it!]

As you'll see, I've grown a bit - well TP has....

I need to shout out to a few of my buddies out there - Almamay who's in a 2WW, Becks who's signed up with the clinic that did the do for me, Andi - who's into another donor cycle with her sis and Meredith - who anxiously waiting to see if her low beta is going to turn her into a mom.



I'm thinking of you all, girls and so, so want it to be your time. xxxx

No a lot to report

Can't believe the due date is so soon. It all seems to be speeding up and i'm desperately trying to get my work done, flat prep sorted, kit ordered or borrowed etc etc AND try to get some me time!

Ante natal check up today was fine. BP up v slightly but nothing to concern my GP. I've an appt with the conultant on Tues to assess TP's position. The GP thought the little one is trying to turn as i seem to have widened out in the middle and the head is moving southwards....

In the meantime i've been doing battle with my health insurers. As my lovely consultant will be away for my 39th week and can't do my c-section I thought i'd go private using my health insurance. It only covers medically required c sections - which this will be. They pay a ludicrously tiny sum for the procedure so i've had to cry, reason and negotiate them up a bit. I think we're nearly there but they're still being pretty unreasonable. Not really sure why we have health insurance - it's so hard to claim anything.

Oh the excitement of my week was meeting Gordon Ram.say last night. I took Mr G to one of GR's latest restaurants to review it. It's run by GR and Angela Har.tnett happened to be in the kitchen that night. (There's a pic of them in this slideshow but I can't get it to stop on their pic)

When I spotted him (as we'd finished our meal) I spoke to the front of house girls and said I was writing about my meal and could someone speak to me about the place. I in no way expected GR to come over but he did! He was utterly charming and when Mr G told him that we were expecting an IVF baby we even had an IVF chat as 3 of his 4 children are ICSI babies ! We told him we'd had 5 go's at ICSI and he was very sweet about it. He even kissed me goodbye!! I'll never wash again....joke.

Sometimes - very, very occasionally - my job is so cool! Oh, the restaurant - The York and Al.bany - is not bad. Probably better value at lunchtime and not for dinner but the food wasn't bad at all.

xx

We have a date...

I visited my consultant again yesterday. TP remains resolutely breech. Head and bot right up near my ribs. Legs dangling and treading all over my bladder. It's a squeeze - you'd think the little one would want a bit more room but perhaps it's nice and snug up there.

Anyway, on that basis, our lovely consultant - Mr S - gave us 2 choices:

1. Go for an ECV - external cephalic version - which means they'd basically shove TP the right way by brute force. From friends I hear this is uncomfortable and scary. From research the success rate with a first pregnancy is not great and it can end in an emergency C section.

2. Book in for an elective C section but check progress anyway at 38 weeks.

No prizes for guessing which option i've gone for....

...yup the winner is Option 2. I'm not risking TP's well being at all, so we've been booked for a C section on 30th October. The week before we'll see Mr S and he'll check to see how TP's lying.

In the meantime I can try crawling, kneeling doggy style whenever possible with my posterior in the air (v dignified), walking a lot, sitting on my Swiss ball - which came today - or swimming. Oh, acupuncture is also apparently a potential solution.

I'm in two minds. An elective C section gives me a date and peace of mind that my little one will come out safely. On the other hand, I'll have had major abdominal surgery and will need recovery time. I figure it might take a while to recover from pushing a child in the usual way, especially if I end up with stitches, piles etc etc. anyway.

I've heard of two people turning up for a planned C section and the baby being head down in the right place. They were both sent home to wait for labour! How much of a wind up would that be?!!

Anyway - that's just about it from me. I'm feeling quite large - but not unmanageable - my Carpal Tunnels is pretty bad and I have permanent pins needles in one hand. My hands, wrists, ankles and feet are swollen - my rings came off weeks ago. I get the odd sharp twinge in my ligaments as TP is getting quite heavy, but I'm so not complaining about any of it as it's all a blessing.

I can't believe that in not too long now i might even have a little baby. I burst into tears are periodic intervals at the very thought - hormones are HIGH! A friend with 3 mth old IVF twins from her 7th try said she often still cries at the site of them.

Two hundred!!

This is my 200th post!! On October 21st i'll have been blogging for 2 whole years.

I'd like to say its flown by, but i'm not sure it has. I re-read post number one and I was already stuck into my first IVF. Horrible memories. Such bad times.

I won't complain because i've been so lucky so far but it has been a difficult journey. I had a flick through the posts and saw i'd had comments from a pretty early stage and want to thank those of you who've been there for me. Comments have slowed right down to those who can face reading a pg after IVF blog. Not many of those are still in the trenches but then I found I had to drop out of reading the blogs of those girls who'd been successful whilst I still struggled.

I wanted to pick out a few ladies who've been fantastic:

Soapchick of The Quest for Baby Agosti - for being brave enough to continue to be there and for being such a life and soul of the party. Top chick.

Hopeful Mother - who has gone private with her blog. She was successful when I failed on my 2nd or 3rd cycle (can't remember) and who I admit to having abandoned whilst she grew and gave birth to her twins. I know times aren't easy for her at the moment and i'm thinking of her. I know she's still out there supporting me.

Heather of Desperately Seeking Baby - my first IVF blog buddy and another who got there whilst I was still trying. She has twins from her first cycle and (i've just read) is pg with another baby without any treatment. Go Heather!!

Betty M of High Land and Hard Rain

Bea - whose post baby blog is as cool as her pre conception one. She's another solid support.

Meredith of Someone Please Knock Me Up who i've also shared some heavy times with and to whom I wish all the luck in the world

I've also met some fantastic ladies in person - the lovely Becks, Andi and Almamay. Thank you all of you for your support. I'm not sure if you can face me at the moment but i'm rooting for all of you and hoping you'll get there.

Enough gushing and apologies if i've left anyone out. I'm still v conscious that i'm not quite there and TP remains a (transverse) squirming lump in my belly. I'm not going to count any chickens - or babies - until i've looked this one in the eye.

I'll celebrate 21st Oct and my two year blogoversary with a big fat cake.

xx

This baby's not for turning...

33 days until my due date and TP's still very happily nestling across my belly.

I feel stuffed up to my ribs and am also feeling a pressure on my bladder that is so like the sensation of wetting myself that I keep on having to pop to the bathroom to check for leakage. TMI I know!

I've done my last day at the cookery school and am now working from home. I've loads to do, but it's nice not to have to hope on the tube. I'm teaching my penultimate lesson tonight with one more next week then that's done too.

We've had blinds put up on our previously bare windows (which was most of them) and ordered carpet for our bedroom - after only 2 years of living in this flat. Since we've lived here we didn't have time to think about our home. All resources were plumbed into IVF. The rest of our life took second place.

I've been brave enough to order a baby buggy and have a bag out ready to pack for hospital. I need to wash the baby grows, booties, mitts, hats etc to put in it as well as think of what I need for me. It's so hard to plan, as if i end up with a Csection because of TP's awkward position i'll need far less than if i have a full-on labour. It's not even worth ordering a TENS machine as that may be a total waste of money!

It's all seeming a bit more real, but I still can't see that baby at the end of this. Only (please G-d) when i'm looking TP in the eye will I believe that we've achieved this miracle. This awful story has upset me and reminded me that just because we've struggled to get where we are doesn't guarantee a happy ending. It's so very, very sad. How do you move on from that?

Anyway, time to do some work. Loads of writing to do as the last few days have been spent on our weekend away - v nice apart from the wedding party outside our hotel bedroom playing thumping wedding music into the early hours on Sat night - and on celebrating the New Year. I made a gorgeous chicken dish - which was chicken roasted with saffron, honey and hazelnuts. (another Ottolenghi dish) with Persian jewelled couscous and a salad of cucumber, fennel and pomegranates, both old favourite recipes. We had orange flower treacle tart for dessert. Also a new recipe and one that went down well.

The vanishing stretch mark & the end of Clexane!!

The other night I felt particularly stretched as TP reclined right across my belly. When I showed Mr G my belly he gleefully pointed out a stretch mark. I suppose it was about time. Funny thing was that the next day it was gone....weird.

I have (finally) stabbed myself for the last time this pregnancy. (That's not that i think i'll be lucky enough to have any more but superstitious covering in case I end up having to try this again. On Tuesday, I shot up my last Clexane. At some point i'll work out just how many needles i've stuck in my belly/thigh/butt. It feels a bit like that time after you've done your Pregnyl (trigger) pre-harvest and you're on a stab free few days. V strange.

I've started ante natal and opened up to the group that this baby is the result of 5 IVF's. One other girl confessed (should it be a confession or a badge of honour) that she (at 39, same age as me) is also a successful ICSI girl. Hers was first time though. Still, it'll be good to bond with someone who has shared the experience. All the others - 12 of them - are all lucky natural preggers people. I suppose, statistically, we're bang on the money. 2 in a group of 14, 1 in 7.

I'm making supper for my family on Monday night for Jewish New Year, so I need to give some thought to what they'll be eating. Mr G and I are off for a mini break tomorrow until Monday morning. Should be lovely and relaxing. Just an English country hotel with a spa. Shame i've got to come back and shop and cook crazily. I'll keep it simple.

Time to take my New Year's Honey Cake out of the oven. xx

Long time no blog

It's official.

I'm a rubbish blogger. I started this post over a week ago and it's taken me that long to get back to it!!

It's been too long - not that there hasn't been plenty to keep me busy - good and bad. I'll summarise in point form or i'll never get through it - and you'll be bored to tears reading it...

I'M GROWING
I'm now 33 weeks and looking bigger and bigger. I've put on about 30 something pounds and most of that aint' TP. Unless that baby comes out the size of a small toddler i've a lot of work to do at some point. Never mind.

I'M WORRIED
I've had 2 growth scans that both had me quite a bit worried. The first was my NHS (free on public health service) scan. Most things checked out ok, BUT and it was a big but (not unlike my own) abdominal growth has slowed a little. Still within the average lines, but dropped on what it was. Add to that that my amniotic fluid is borderline low and you've got a worried pregnant lady. Our Consultant said not to worry but to keep an eye on how much movement the baby makes. NOT TO WORRY! NOT TO WORRY WHEN I'VE GOT TO BE CONSTANTLY AWARE OF HOW MUCH THIS LITTLE CREATURE INSIDE ME IS MOVING. No chance. I'm trying to be calm, but it's very hard. It's made more difficult by the fact that TP has no routine. Some days there's a circus going on in there and others....zip. Today i was going mad waiting for a kick, roll or squirm. On Tuesday, we're going for a private scan to check out whether the NHS got it right.

The private scan said abdomen and amniotic fluid are fine...(Amniotic fluid index 16.8 instead of 9.8 on NHS scan). However, they said that TP's femurs and thighs are small - down in 5th percentile and that the cerebellum is also a little on the small side. They ended up by saying they're not worried at all and they don't need to scan me again. And i'm not going to fret over that???!!!! Still, nothing I can do but wait and see.

I'M STRETCHING
TP as decided to lie across me in in what's called transverse breech position. It's cute but not overly comfortable and will mean that we're in for a definite c-section unless that baby moves. I'm not hugely worried but would prefer to try to give birth naturally, esp since the hospital we'd like to give birth at (and are signed up to) has an amazing birth unit if you can do it on your own but a horrid VIctorian ward for those who need help....more on that when i've more time.

I'M CROSS
This has annoyed me. This is my fantastic clinic that did the do for me. Granted their admin is rubbish but they get the results and the man CARES. I don't want to see him hounded out of town by the jealous Docs who don't get the same results. All the clinics could be guilty of what he's accused of. Our last clinic were twice as bad as him and i don't see them being sued.

I'M SHOPPING
Still not a lot of purchasing going on for TP but progress is being made. We did start today, with some newborn grows, booties, mitts and hats. I almost cried in the shop and thought i'd have to go to the ladies to calm down. It was all a bit much. Do normal (fertile) mums get this emotional? We've chosen some bits and pieces from a big London Dept store and chosen our buggy. Just gotta get it ordered.

I'M TIRED
I'm starting get my 1st trimester exhaustion back again. i can't do a whole night without a toilet trip and if I get too awake i lie thinking about TP and hoping all will be ok.

I'M LISTING
So much to do and only 40 something days left to do it. Maybe even less!

I'M LEARNING
I've just started my ante natal classes. There are loads of us there - 11 couples(!) - so hopefully i'll meet someone to compare notes with...

I'M SURROUNDED
By girls on the verge of treatment. I had lunch and dinner with 2 separate friends at the start of treatment last week. My hairdresser is about to start her IVF as is another friend who's also my travel agent and one of my editors at work. A good friend is also in the midst of it and has had 2 cycles already. She's off to Turkey for no 3 in the New Year. A friend who adopted has asked me to talk to a friend of hers who's about to start IVF as she (adoptive mum to 2) feels i'm more up to date in my knowledge. I can't believe how many people I know in this boat now. I wish i could do more to help than talk to them.

I'M OFF FOR SUPPER NOW
I need an early night so i'm off for a light supper and to wind down a bit

Love to you all - i'll post a bump pic this week. Belly button is half popped - v weird look.

Sorry for long post.

xxx

All you Miss Muffets

I'm sorry if I scared you off!

I had zero comments on my last post. I think the spider must have given you all the heebeegeebees. I'm so very sorry!

Its actually been a slow blog week. Lowish numbers of updates. I have little to report really. Working hard still but gearing up to gear down a little.

I need to dedicate some time to prepping for TP.

Mr G and I went to look at prams and are more confused than ever. I thought we'd be brave enough to buy one itty bitty piece of clothing for TP, but we couldn't go there. I'm not sure when i'll feel brave enough to buy the little one anything. Hopefully before the arrival....

I'm about to switch off. I've a 3 hr pasta class to teach tomorrow and lots of chores to do with Mr G this weekend.

Have a good weekend all of you xx

Yuck, yuck, yuck

I've had a few nights sleeping through but the last couple i've been up at 3 and 3.30am for a bathroom run.

We have an ensuite toilet but I don't like to use it for fear of waking Mr G. So, last night, i made the trip down the hallway in the dark as usual. En route i trod on something squelchy that left my foot wet. I continued to the toilet and after i'd squeezed out a few drops I went back to investigate.

I found this....if you're arachnophobic don't scroll down....


















I truly HATE spiders and am petrified of them! The penny is there to give you an idea of the sizer of the unfortunate arachnid out for a night time stroll. I feel sick looking at the pic. I TROD ON THAT THING WITH MY BARE FOOT!!!!!! Eugh!


I wiped my foot and got back into bed but couldn't sleep for ages. It didn't help that TP had an attack of the hiccups (which happens quite a lot and feels like a weird pulse going in my tummy) which always concerns me.

I'm really tired - worked a lot this week but am now feeling just a bit drained. Next week's a quieter one thank goodness and we've a new girl starting at the Cookery School so i'll be training her up with a view to stepping back. It's time to start planning some stuff for TP. We've done NOTHING. We're both too scared to buy anything. I think we do need to give it some thought now. We even need to change our car as neither my gorgeous mini nor Mr G's sporty 2 seater are really very suitable.

Tuesday will be 30 weeks - unbelievable. I still feel nervous even anticipating that. I was with my Auntie on Friday having lunch. She talked of nothing else but baby stuff. It was all a bit much and I burst into tears. I said - with ugly crying face - that I just couldn't believe i was even having this conversation with her and how i'm still really scared. TP has some more growing to do AND has to get out into the world. That bit worries me a lot. Not the pain - cos i'll deal with that - but the safety of the baby. I'd almost rather have a c-section just to be sure that nothing goes wrong.

Lets hope I can be less neurotic when the little one arrives. I hope so. I still feel so blessed to have come this far.


Please pop over to see two of my favourite ladies who could both do with some support. Andi's had a low positive beta at her first attempt with her sister's eggs and could do with some cheering on whilst the lovely BeeCee has had a nasty time with her 5th IVF and could do with a hug. I'm thinking of you both, girls.

xxx