Sunday, July 22, 2007

Day 13p2dt - Knickerwatch Pt3

Just when I was starting to get hopeful. To allow myself those happy feelings of anticipation. The ones where your chest fills with happy thoughts of maybe, actually, perhaps carrying a child and of how you'll pass the happy news on to those you love and adore. How Mr G and I will be able to get back to being newlyweds instead of full time infertiles.

Just when I was calming down and getting my hopes up the dreaded spotting has begun. Got an extra day in on last cycle. At this rate - with an extra day or two each cycle - I reckon we'd need about 200 or so cycles before we managed to hold out until the full 9 months...

Apologies if tmi, but the spotting's still v brown and not yet scary red, but the last two goes have gone this way.

Also - and I hate to admit this - but i caved in and did not one but 2 HPT's. As i've gone pretty well straight to IVF i've not really been an HOT addict, but I can really see how it's possible to go there. I did one on day 10 and got the FAINTEST of lines. One you really had to squint to see. That gave me some hope but this morning I tried again and there wasn't even a hint or a whisper of a line. Niento. Nada. Nothing. I suppose i'll try one more - perhaps in a couple of days if i've not gone to full bleeding by then, but after that no more. Blasted sticks - they're evil.

Mr G and I have spent - what was one of the few gloriously sunny days of this summer's wash out - most of the day in grim silence with the occasional teary outburst from me. I've given up avoiding sugar - a bar of white choc (Green and Blacks) last night and a (really not v nice) ice cream today. What's the point or trying?

As soon as the fat lady has finally sung, this fat lady will sink a large glass of well chilled alcohol and indulge in a few large creamy caffe latte's.

Yesterday's buffet went really well. They loved the food and we stuck around for a while so i could stare at them eating and check all was well. Mr G thought my food looked great. He took some pics. Once i've seen them i'll stick some on here.

I'm so fed up. Beyond fed up. What have Mr G and I done to fail THREE TIMES at this stupid game. We're good people, i've taken all the right supplements, restricted all the required foods. I've had pins and needles stuck all over and in me, listened to hours of relaxing hypnotherapy and rested when told (more or less - perhaps that's the problem) but still we cannot make this work.

I'm SO not beaten. We've lots more to try and neither of us are ready to give up...not yet.

Good luck to those of you still in the game xx


Leah said...

I'm so, so sorry. It's so damned unfair.

Thalia said...

oh bollocks portia I am sorry. SO horribly disappointing, every every time.

Bea said...

Hm. It doesn't sound hopeful, does it? I'm sorry the coin has flipped this way.


My Reality said...

I am sorry.

Knock Me Up said...

Crap is my word for the day. Sounds like you could use it too if you want. I'm sorry to hear this news.

Baby Blues said...

I'm sorry Portia.

I'm dreading AF's visit too. Being pessimistic over this cycle has made the two week wait go by fast. I'm just trying not to even think of it. If I bleed, I bleed. I could always tell hope "I told you so."

Chili said...

I'm so sorry.