Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Always gets me...

RIght after a failed cycle I feel fine. Even optimistic. Right after that I crash and burn.

My delay in posting has been partly due to more work than i've had in a while but largely down to my feeling totally and utterly low.

Three times. Three times i've climbed up the ladder of hope and three times i've crashed off it. I never ever thought i'd still be infertile after three goes at IVF.

This wasn't meant to happen.

We went into this thinking I was in great (reproductive) health. The only bar to our conceiving were the poor sad tails on Mr G's sper.m. All we had to do was propel them to my eggs and we'd have ourselves a baby.

Turns out it's not that simple. Turns out I was right to worry about my ticking biological clock. Turns out that despite my clear as a bell tubes, smugly sparkling uter.us and regular cycles my reproductive abilities ain't all they're cracked up to be. My shrunken ovaries have had the last laugh and (it seems) are pushing out less than useful eggs. Why else am I not able to retain even one of the six embryos Dr Big Hair has returned to my (not so) safe care?

Three was meant to be the magic number. For your first three tries you've a one in three chance of success. After that your odds are much reduced. How are we ever going to get us that baby?

I feel like a lead weight has landed somewhere just below my throat. There's a great big lump there that sometimes makes me sob and at other times just sits there. As i'm busy with work I can forget about the lump for minutes at a time but each time I remember i get a sinking feeling. It's similar to how I felt when Daddy died. I'm grieving and Mr G can't make it better because he's grieving too.

What did we do to be in this place? Did we do something wrong or treat someone badly? Are we bad people? Why are we the one in six or whatever statistic it is for infertile couples? Why are any of us stuck in in.fertile limbo here?

Even the sun - which is now shining after weeks of rain - can't shake me out of this place. I suppose it's just about timing.

I'm sorry for that long vent. I just needed to share where I am.

It hasn't all been misery. The wedding we went to at the weekend was really lovely. Beautiful bride, lovely setting, totally romantic. I drank champa.gne and w.ine and had a truly excellent evening. Mr G said it was like his wife was back. The alcohol numbed the pain and made me smile. I danced all night and hugged my darling boy. If it wasn't for the come down the next day, i'd consider taking up alcohol full time. As well as the alcohol, I drank coffee, ate ice cream and generally did all the stuff that has been banned for the last few months. On the Saturday, we had home made eclairs for tea at this hotel
Apart from my grey state there's no other news. Oh - we've an appointment with Big Hair for our follow up on Thursday and we've an appointment at the N.HS hospital for our free cycle. I'm not sure what tests they'll want to do but it may be that our next cycle is the free one! Question is...are we flogging a dead horse? Am I ever going to produce eggs that make babies? I've got to believe I can or I might as well curl up in my bed and stay there.

Sorry for the length of this post - well done if you made it this far.

Love and hugs for my girls who didn't get their BFP's this time. You'll get there girls. Hang on in there with me. Thank you so much for all of you who are and have been out there for me.



Bea said...

First thing: totally with you on the delayed reaction.

Secondly: I read a study a few months ago where they looked at couples who conceived in their first four cycles, worked out their per-cycle chance of success, and then those who were doing cycles 5-8 (ie the next four cycles) and worked out *their* per-cycle chance of success, and guess what?

No difference between the groups. Turns out some people just have sucky luck. At least up til cycle eight. I've heard a number of Oz specialists say they don't start getting worried til you're into the double-figures on transfers.

Course, you don't want to have to stick at it that long... but I hope this thought might buoy you up once you're ready to hope again.


Leah said...

I get that delayed reaction thing too. I'm so hell-bent on getting going again (TICK TOCK, you know) that I'm usually full swing into another cycle by the time the debilitating sadness strikes and I end up glossing over it to concentrate on cycle # whatever (I've lost count). Surely, at some point, I'm going to completely dissolve when it all catches up with me. Yikes.

I completely understand what you mean about the clean bill of health -- I've got great tubes, a problem-free uterus, regular cycles, etc. I guess it's just my crappy old eggs. Heavy sigh.

Your time will come. One way or another, it will come. I just damn sure hope it's much sooner rather than later. I'm tired of having my heart ache for my IF buddies. :-(

CAM said...

Oh...doesn't this whole thing just royally SUCK?!
I go through cylces of high and lows. I am usually really low right before I start a new cylce. Maybe its because I cannot believe I have to go through it again.
I just keep telling myself that it will work for all of us...someday..somehow...someway.
Thanks for sharing how you are reacting.

seattlegal said...

I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you. I hope you have a BFP soon.

Amy R said...

Portia, Just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you are having to go through this and that I am thinking of you. I hope you get answers at your follow up visit.

tricia said...

Your entry brought me to tears. I found your blog one day accidentally several weeks ago while I was researching other infertility related issues and your writing made me feel close to you, wishing you to succeed with every step you described. I felt your recent disappointment deeply. There's little consolation, is there? I thank you for sharing your experiences with others like me who are in the same boat and take courage in their moments of darkness by reading how you're handling your life with honesty and courage. I don't know how you manage to write without crying through it all, or maybe you do, I would. That's why I've never been able to communicate like this before. The minute I try to express myself the floodgates open, and you might say, perhaps they should. Your blog has inspired me. I hope knowing you've touched others gives brings you even a trace of happiness in this very difficult moment.

Reproductive Jeans said...

Im hanging on tight with you--the grey state we are in WILL lift...we will get through it together=) As Mook and I do--please take care of each other and know that your baby is going to come to you...

Becks said...

I was talking to someone when I was in Russia that was almost told to give up IVF and she insisted on carrying on and went onto have twins.

She said she believes if you try enough and be determined enough it will work. So pamper yourself, cry a bit, laugh a bit and get your strength back to climb the ladder again. The (blogworld) safety net is right there for you.

Foreverhopeful said...

I definitely believe grief can come in waves.. and I've been there many times. I wish there was something I could say or do but I know you will get through this. I wish I had the answer for you but please know we are all here for you. Hugs to you.

My Reality said...

It always comes crashing down. I am sorry that this cycle didn't work. I really, really hope the next does.