Post 140 - a long time coming

I've been busily P'g On Sticks like nobody's business. I've even snapped the two HPT's in all their blue crossed glory but I can't seem to load them up onto Blogger. Never mind. I've got them for posterity.

I definitely needed to do more just to confirm for myself that i am, today, pregnant.

Today's beta was 1497. Next blood test is on Sunday. This clinic really does keep an eye on its patients. I like that. Makes me feel more secure.

Mr G is driving me mad to do nothing. I worked last night and much of today. Teaching last night and cooking today. I'm teaching tomorrow as well. He thinks I should be lying down all day. I don't want to mess anything up, but I can't believe it can be good for a girl to do too little. We're compromising and i'm cutting down on some work commitments until we get a bit further along.

I'm still quite tired, a little tender in the bosom department and a bit bloated. I'm not starving - which is good - but trying to eat regularly as my blood sugar goes a little haywire and I get the shakes if I don't.

In the last week three of my MindBody group have got BFP's. Of ten of us, 1 has already had twins, 1 is pg with twins (due in the summer), 1 is pg with donor eggs and now 3 more of us have had BFP's. Amazing. I feel really bad for the others as this makes it harder for them. 2 are still doing treatment. 1 has decided to adopt and one had decided to give up as her dh has a daughter from his 1st marriage. As a group, things are looking brighter for us. I hope the 2 still trying take hope from this weeks' success.

Oh, someone asked me about DHEA. I'm not sure it made any difference to me at all. I took 75mg a day for 3 months from July last year. I started again on a lower dose (25mg) for a while but then a Dr (in our US consult) told me it would do me more harm than good and that was the end of that. I haven't seen an increase in numbers but perhaps the quality was better? Not sure....

Thanks again everyone for all your support. It's meant a huge amount to me.

Pinching myself

Today's beta is 660. More than double yesterday's. I'm concerned now it's going too quickly!! I must consult the good Dr Google.

When i went for today's test I saw the v lovely man who's been taking my blood each day for most of this cycle. He's a charming Nigerian born Dr who is not allowed to practice here and is working as a vampire whilst he studies some more. He's been lovely throughout and said yesterday he was sure it was good news. I was so pleased to tell him it was!

Overall, I've felt oddly distracted since yesterday's news. I've waited so long for this news and now it's here it almost doesn't seem real.

Physically, I feel exactly the same - apart from slightly tender boobs, some cramps (AF style back and tum pains) and the odd pinchy feeling in my general ute-al (i made that up but you know what I mean!) region. I'm also a little more tired. A sort of dragging whole body tiredness but not tiredness than makes me drop off unexpectedly in a narcoleptic sort of a way which is what I was expecting from reading accounts of pg bloggers. Oh, i'm also quite windy (TMI, I know) but perhaps the effect of all that progesterone - which yesterday was up in the 300's.

I'm very nervous that this will suddenly go away. There are so many new hurdles! Continuing betas, a scan in 2 weeks, making it past 9 weeks - which seems to be a bit of a crunch point and, of course, 12 weeks.

I don't want to sound ungrateful - I am so very lucky to have got this far. I can't believe we've finally got a little bundle of Mr G and Portia P cells in me and they're GROWING!! We could have a real live baby before I'm 40! Mr G and I are both very, very cautiously happy.

Oh - i've been to buy some HPT sticks. I've never had a BFN from them as i've only ever tested to confirm a failed cycle. As I was too scared to test this time i haven't had the pleasure yet. I have to POAS tomorrow just to prove to myself this is not a mistake with the numbers at the lab!

Finally - I just want to say thank you so much for all your good wishes and congratulation. I've had comments from some girls i thought had left me behind months ago. It's so good to know you're still out there rooting for me. Thank you so much. I feel v cared for!

I'm off to nourish me and my bundle of cells. xx

Oh my goodness

The clinic just called.

HCG is 328 (I think)

OMG

Going back to the clinic now for more Clex.ane and Ges.tone as I've run out, but was too superstitious to ask for more when I was there this morning.

This is just the beginning. I hope this little embie wants to stay another 8 months or so.

I can't believe it!

Can you think yourself a BFN?

I'm sorry for my lack of updates.

On my 4th 2WW i'm just not feeling particularly excited or confident. I've felt all the same cramps and backaches as before and think i've probably not started bleeding yet (a) because i'm on ge.stone (injected prog.esterone) rather than cyclo.gest (the charming pessaries) and (b) because we're still only on day 11p3dt.

In my more hopeful moments I imagine it's all going to be ok and that the immune stuff will be the charm, but as I have absolutely no pg symptoms - constant urge to pee, smell aversion etc - those moments are few and far between.

I'm remarkably calm though and not jumping around over every symptom. No point - been here, seen it, done it. Nothing I can do to change what's already going on. If i'm wrong and this has worked then that will be amazing but if i'm right, and this try bites the dust too then we'll pick ourselves up and get on with our NH.S cycle which is v soon.

I'd booked a night away for Mr G, my folks and my out-laws (his folks) away on Saturday night to this country pubwhich is in The Cotswolds, about a 2 hour drive from our home. There are 8 rooms attached to the pub so you can have a relaxed meal knowing you only have to fall off your chair and into your bed when you're done.

It was the perfect timing for a distracting and v relaxing break. We all get on really well. We had a lovely dinner on Saturday night - the parents shared a bottle of wine (Mr G and I are tee total at the moment) and seemed very merry. Food was good and the atmosphere friendly.

On Sunday we had breakfast together and then visited a local village before going herefor lunch. Both pics are from web sites and much sunnier than the weather we had! After more delicious food, laughing and chat we all went our separate ways. Mr G and I watched Miss Potter (lovely film) during which I sobbed my eyes out (spot the girl packed with progesterone) before the night time jab.

One more sleep and i'll know my immediate fate. I worry that my negativity has stopped this treatment from working and that i'm just a bit too resigned and ready for failure. I'm trying to protect myself but perhaps some positive thinking would help matters....

Oh, on the symptom front - cramping - back and tum, less and less sore and swollen breasts, quite tired (but worrying i'm imagining myself into that as i've read it can be a sign!), not a lot else really.

I'll be back tomorrow or Wednesday with the scores on the doors.

Tagged

Yay! Something to keep me busy during my 2WW!

Thanks Forever Hopeful for tagging me.

The Rules:

1) Link to the person who tagged you. (Thought i'd mastered this but clearly haven't. I'll see if Mr G can sort out how I link to other blogs. I know....i'm pathetically technically challenged!)
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

1. I wear contact lenses. I've worn them for about 15 years. Weird thing is that my eyes have got less short sighted over the years so they've about half as bad as they were when I first got tested. I ALWAYS put my right contact lense in first.

2. I'm less tidy than Mr G would like. He likes a really uncluttered home. I like to see my paperwork or else I forget to do stuff. I am, however neurotically tidy when it comes to drawers. My underwear is all sorted into matching bras and pants (*) and the drawers in my office and kitchen are super neat and tidy. (* I always wear matching bras and pants - not necessarily a set but always the same colour, mostly black)

3. I'm immensely greedy. No surprises there! I'm a bit like our family's pet cocker spaniel (who sadly is long gone) in that I don't seem to have an "I'm full" mechanism. I could eat and eat and eat. Particularly carbs and I have no idea how people can't make it through a dessert because it's "too rich"!

4. I hate going to the dentist to the point that as a child they used to send my mother valium to give me before an appointment to do any treatment. Luckily I had no fillings until 14 but now seem to be in and out of the dentist's chair all the time. Mainly because I grind my teeth massively every night. Mr G has to wake me to stop it. I used to wear a (very sexy and attractive) guard to protect my teeth, but I left it in a hotel this Xmas and was too embarrassed to call to ask for it back!

5. I'm really crap at my own maintenance. I never have manicures or pedicures and wear most of my clothes until they fall apart. I like to look good and would love to be one of those women who has perfect hair, nails AND accessorises but perhaps not enough to drag myself round the shops and to the beauty parlour.

6. I have to load the dishwasher a certain way. Everything in a particular place If Mr G has done it then i spend too long rearranging everything so that it's all packed in neatly and we've as much in there as possible. It's all about space efficiency....Yes, I know I sound a loon! Mr G thinks I am too!

I think most of my buddies have already been tagged or are a bit quiet at the moment. I'll pop over to Becks at One Miracle Needed to play once she's back from honeymoon, to Andi at Minimenow to see if I can tempt her out of post cycle silence and Pamela Jeanne at Comingtoterms as she doesn't seem to have played this game yet.

On my cycle - having longed for some sign of implantation, i started cramping yesterday and am now convinced i'm on my way to BFN 4. It's so hard to tell as everything has been different this time. I'm still crampy and back achey - same as my other times - so no reason to think this is a good cycle. There's also lots of snail trail mucus (sorry TMI) which is the progesterone. I'm pretty calm about it all though and not at all into the psycho Knickerwatch, the sequel Pt IV behaviour just yet....Really, there's nothing I can do and if it doesn't work i'll just try again!

Of course, as you all are well aware, the above bravado may crumble by the weekend, esp if the bitch cow AF pitches up.....

Shortening odds...

The clinic called this afternoon. The last two embies didn't make it. The five cell didn't do much. The eight cell made it to blast ( I think) but the embryologist I spoke to seemed to be telling me it was not of good enough quality for them so it's good bye to them.

Although the embryologist did say that i shouldn't be upset as we did put the best two back, there has been some emotional fall out from that call. I had a bit of a cry and Mr G (who I could tell was upset too) gave me the "stay positive" talk.

I remember now why I HATE this so much. There's still 10 more days of poking myself with needles and worrying about every single cramp or twitch whilst regularly poking my boobs to see if they're (a) swollen and (b) sore. I'll be out of my mind by then.

Still, there's no choice really. I'm in it now!

Otherwise, very little else to report. I've pretty well sat on my behind for the last four days. I moved from bed to sofa yesterday when my parents came over.

I read many Sunday papers today and we've just watched Run Fat Boy Run - a really sweet, feel good movie. I'll hang on in there. Maybe, just maybe one of the ones inside is a keeper...

Valentine's Day with a difference

I write to you from my bed. I'm surrounded by remote controls, telephones (land and mobile), books, my laptop and various drugs and pills.

As you may have guessed, the embies have landed. The clinic called yesterday morning to tell me I had two eight cells, a seven cell and a five cell. We could hold on and wait for more indication as there was little between them or go for transfer. I had no idea and Mr G wasn't much better. We decided to wait until midday to see if any of them had moved. At midday, the situation was the same, so they said, as the two eight cells were clearly ahead and we might as well put them in the best place for them.

I showered - important to be clean and coiffed for such an outing - booked acupuncture and set off. After a pre-transfer acupuncture session I popped into the blood letting place for a progesterone test. My favourite vampire was in. He's SO lovely and wished me and Mr P all the best. Then round to the clinic for the hand over. We were so pleased that the clinic's head honcho (who is the most lovely man with a fantastic bedside manner and inspiring confidence and calmness) did our transfer. He really took his time, cleaning up my bits and checking his route before the lights were dimmed and the (most lovely embryologist i've met so far) brought in the catheter loaded up with our best two. (Since the call, the seven cell had made it to eight, so we had three to chose from)

After a lie down on the operating theatre bed, I got up, dressed (this clinic get you into theatre gear from transfer) and got my drugs regime. Then it was off for post transfer acupuncture and home to lie on my bed where Mr G and I celebrated Valentine's Day with a big fat pizza - yum!

Mr G was so emotional during the transfer. I think the whole Valentine's thing got to him. I love him so much. I just hope I can hold onto these embies or at least one of them this time.

They've moved me onto a new drugs regime - Cle.xane twice a day, aspirin in the middle, something called Ritodr.ine four times a day for blood flow and (hurrah) the wonderful Geston.e.

I always felt i'd missed out by not using it before, especially since i've never lasted a 2WW without AF pitching up for a visit. HOWEVER when i saw the f'off HUGE needle I had second thoughts. OMG! I was freaking about it all evening until Mr G (complete with surgical hat he'd been given earlier for transfer) perched above my behind ready to inject. He laughed that this wasn't quite the Valentine's Day rear action he might once have had in mind...

Thank you to the wonderful Almamay who told me about EML.A cream - which is an anaesthetic cream you put on the injection site an hour before. I used it but was still sh**ting myself that it hadn't worked. It had though. I felt NOTHING! Thank you, thank you, thank you my dear Almamay - i'd link to your lovely blog but i'm useless with links. Perhaps i'll teach myself whilst on bed rest.

Soooooooo, I'll be in this bed for a couple more days. We're giving it our best this time. Lets hope our Valentine's Day will be one to remember for all the right reasons. It's really hard to express how I feel this time. Can't be too excited - i've been let down too many times for that and can't be unrealistic. I almost feel a bit silly getting excited, but I do have those moments of gurgling inner excitement from time to time. Beta is on 26 Feb.

Thanks all of you for your comments. Did you all go back to work?

Mr G is of the view that I shouldn't be working as my job can be quite physical. I tend to think that if it's going to work, it'll work, no matter what you do. Having said that, after all we've put into this cycle, i'd HATE to risk it all going wrong because I did too much to soon.... I'd go mad sitting still for two weeks. And then what? Retire for 9 months? I don't think so!

Anyway, all this is theoretical as i'm not yet carrying anything - other than a lardy belly gained from 2 weeks of no exercise, an extra daily litre of milk (skimmed of course), general greed and comfort eating. The banana walnut muffins I made yesterday - supposedly to use up our ageing bananas but really to occupy myself with a mindless activity - won't help. I think i'll freeze them.

Today's call from the embryologist said that they're all still there and have divided. One is four cells. One is five - too fast perhaps. I'm not sure about the other two as I got a bit flustered on the phone. They still don't know if we'll transfer tomorrow or Saturday. They'll call it tomorrow when they see how they've done. I'm so not used to this extra waiting. In my earlier cycles we've never gone past 2 day transfer. What if they don't last until tomorrow?!!!!

It's weird having no idea when we'll do ET. I want to book acupuncture, but that's not really possible without knowing when we'll be transferring. I'll maybe call them later today just to get a better view.

It's another gorgeous day. Clear bright blue sky and sunshine. The TV guy has just been to run a cable from our SKY box into our bedroom. Until now we haven't bothered with TV in our bedroom. It seemed a good idea if i'm going to be spending some time in there over the next few days. We're going to buy a nifty flat screen for the wall with some wedding money.

I'm happy to be doing something different than before. It feels good.

Fantastic four...

Still smiling.

Partly because the sun is shining and there's nothing like it to make me feel good that and partly down to two calls I had at 8am and 9am.

I slept in this morning - still a bit tired from the anaesthetic - and was woken by my Mum calling at 8am to say she and my stepdad are home. I was groggy and told her i'd slept late because of ER yesterday and that I had 5 eggs. She was v surprised and pleased. I think she got a bit confused between embryos and eggs and was even more pleased than she needed to be! Good to have her home, although i know she's sad to leave her grandkids and my brother in Australia. I so wish she had some here.

Next call was from the clinic. Of our fantastic five, four were good enough to ICSI. All 4 have fertilised! V v good news. Now we must wait and see if they continue to develop. I know to take nothing for granted any more, so i'm cautiously optimistic.

Part of me wants to stop now. I'm so scared of the next 2 weeks and the canyon like precipice of grief we could find ourselves in - which statistically speaking, is pretty likely. I like it on this side, with my nice batch of eggs and the small victory of having got this far. Mr G said much the same last night. Still, i know we have to press on - (s)he how dares etc

I've arranged to meet with the food editor of the magazine I didn't get the job with. We're going to have tea next week so I can get some feedback on my copy. Might as well get some benefit from all that work.

Oh - we watched Ratatouille last night......What a sweet film! I'm not sure Mr G was that up for it, but he thought it a very good. Good "take your mind off IVF" viewing!

Off to work now. Might as well get some work in now before the big feet up - I even hate presuming there will be a big feet up...

I'd love to know what you all do during an IVF 2WW - do you stop everything? for how long? is it worth it?....

Good news and a moan

It's a big thumbs up from here...

...all went v smoothly. Arrived first at clnic at just before 6.45am. Waited a while - as usual before going down to theatre. Was first in, which was great so no hanging around. There were 2 ladies after me for EC.

Woke up and came around slowly with tea and digestive biscuits. Was too scared to ask how many eggs they'd retrieved. Was nervous they weren't telling me because they'd found nothing. Lay there watching the other girls coming out of EC and another having IVI.g trying not to be impatient. I think the anaesthetic made me uncharacteristically calm.

Anyway, cutting to the chase, the lovely nurse came over to tell me i had 5 eggs! FIVE! Not a huge tally for those more prone to producing frogspawn like clutches of eggs, but a wonderful score for this ovarian-ly challenged bird. I'm hoping at least two of those will fertilise.

Mr G's side of the operation wasn't quite so smooth. They couldn't find the key to the room men are usually sent to, so he was dispatched to a cold bathroom to do the do. During the process someone tried to get in - totally putting him off his stride. They, once it was all done, he dropped the (thankfully sealed) pot on the floor and was worried he might have damaged the little fellas. He was so upset and stressed by it all.

We called the embryologist when we got home and they said the fall shouldn't have done anything to them and that the sample seemed ok.

I'm now sitting with my feet up on the sofa, face in the gorgeous sun we've been having (which is lifting my spirits massively) and catching up with my blogosphere girlies. I so hope we get some good news tomorrow....
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Oh - not wanting to put a dampener on my good news, but one of my 'friends' said something SO hurtful yesterday i'm still upset. I'm not sure if i'm overreacting or if i'm wallowing too much in my situation but it just underlined the total lack of understanding from the fertile.

One of our mutual friends has had a breast lump found to be cancerous. She's got to have it looked at tomorrow to see if the cancer has spread. She's 39 with 2 young girls. It's horrific news. They think they've got it really early though so i really hope she'll get good news. I can't imagine how she's feeling. It's really scary.

What upset me was the friend who was telling me, who said, that like me, the sick friend has good and bad days. Sometimes she (and I) don't feel like talking much. She then said, "but then at the end of the day if you can't have children you just can't have children but if you have cancer....that's something to be REALLY down about...".

The insinuation is that my stuff isn't really seriously bad. Now, i know that having cancer is about as bad as it gets and I'm not looking to get into a who's got it worse competition because there wouldn't be one BUT i'm not sure she really gets just how painful and distressing IF really is. I was totally lost for words and stayed silent. I'm not sure she's a good person for me to be around or maybe I'm the selfish one for taking it the wrong way. I don't know. I just hope this comes out right...

It got me thinking though, that the fact is, i'm not really scared of illness and dying. I'm not sure i'd mind if my life had to stop tomorrow. I know that sounds like i'm a head case and in need of medication, but I genuinely feel that way. Does that make me depressed? I'm not sure? Maybe having kids gives you more of a fear of leaving people behind. I don't WANT to die, I just don't fear it....

Anyway - on a more cheery note, my Mummy's back tomorrow from Australia. She's been gone more than two months and i'm SO looking forward to seeing her! She doesn't know about this cycle. Can't wait to tell her. Hope there' more good news then.

Just waiting...

I feel a little like these folk...
Fat and full and doing a lot of hanging around, in the waiting room at my clinic and in between tests at home. I'm still waiting to see when they'll trigger me.

Had 2 blood tests and 2 scans (8.30am and 2.30pm) yesterday. The big man head of my clinic wanted to scan me himself to decide when to trigger. I was so excited to meet him - sad really. It was like meeting G-d...sort of. He has become this mystical figure. The miracle maker. I know he's not going to be able to change nature and i KNOW my chances are still slim, but he has my hopes up for the first cycle since my first.

I've still only 3 lead follicles and several that are moving so slowly they might catch up sometime next Christmas. The decision is how long to give the mini ones to see if they can join the fertilisation party.

I was at home baking cup cakes (choc and cherry) for my Auntie when they called yesterday. In my hurry to inject my meds and rush back to the clinic for scan two i left my phone at home. I had to go straight to my acupuncture appt without it so the clinic called Mr G with my instructions. He was petrified he'd get it wrong, he made them tell him twice and wrote it all down word for word. The nurse said lots of hubbies are nervous of any message taking.

They decided to let me cook another day and to ask me to go back today. I've had 2 bloods and 2 scans already today (it's still not yet 3pm) and i'm now home waiting to see if we're going to trigger today. Still only really the 3 mamooth black blobs and a score of eeensy weensy ones. I'm drinking water for England and as much protein and milk as I can manage. I've actually started to lok forward to my hot milk (skinny of course but with sugar free vanilla syrup) that i now order in in coffee bars. The baristas look at me like i'm totally mad. Sta.rbucks are reasonably obliging. In the very French patisserie they raise their snooty eyebrows so high they almost disappear over their heads. The cost varies hugely. £2.40 in the 'bucks and only £1.00 in Cos.ta. Should really just make it myself.

Right. Time to get outside. It is BEAUTIFUL outside today. Really warm sunshine. Makes me smile and feel good inside just to be out there in it. I'm feeling v looked after and am in that high place of actually DOING something about our IF. I know the worst is yet to come especially since all this activity has taken me to such a peak of anticipation. At the end of the day, i still think most of this is about luck. If the right egg is on its way out then we'll get lucky. If not, we won't. All the drugs in the world aren't going to change that. It's just if the right egg can be persuaded to fertilise nicely AND stick around...that's what i'm hoping this lot will do for me.

Just spoke to the clinic. I'm triggering tonight. ER first thing Monday morning. A whole day off from needles tomorrow - yay!! Fingers, toes and eyes crossed for at least those three eggies to come out strong and ready to play nicely with Mr G's boys....
xx

IVI.g

What a long day! Lay in until 7am and got to the clinic for the blood let at 8am. Mr G came along and met the lovely man who takes my blood.

We went round to the clinic and were told to come back at 9 - 9.30am. We went for brekkie at a great chain called Giraffe where i ate healthy fruit and yoghurt and watched Kate Moss scoffing a huge cooked breakfast whilst talking on her mobile. We walked back to the clinic (passing Hugh Laurie on the street) and then waited 45 minutes until they were ready for the I.VIg girls - me and 3 others.

We waited ages for the doc to canulate us. At 10.45 (!) we were finally off. FIrst an antihistamine tablet to avoid any reaction. Then some saline and then the actual juice. Blood pressure was checked each 15 mins for the first hour and then every 30 mins. It was dripped in so slowly it too a full 4 and a half hours to go in.

Time was passed with a newspaper, a selection of gossipy mags and chatting with my co IVI'ers. Two had transfer yesterday. One is 14 weeks PG. It was her 5th go. She only had IV.Ig with go 4 (when she got a chemical pg) and this go. SHe'll have top up IVI's until she hits 28 weeks - unless her antibodies come down on their own. I was v encouraged.

I also might have picked up some teaching work from one of my fellow patients! Mr G couldn't believe my networking abilities!

I feel fine. Tired - probably from lying around for hours today - but otherwise fine. I really don't feel v 'stimmed' at the moment. The odd stitchy twinge but other wise nothing. I'm actually enjoying the whole social part of this clinic. All the other patients have been v lovely and friendly.

Time to go eat some more protein and catch some zzzz's to pep up my eggs for the morning scan.

Oh - for Sarah 23 - the acupuncture points are all over. 2 in my wrists, in each of my ankles, on my feet, around my knees and several over my ovary area. The electrodes are on needles just over my ovaries. Hope that helps...?

day 8 of stims

2 more blood tests down and another scan happened. E2 levels are higher than they've ever been but my ovaries are stubbornly refusing to push out more than their usual quota. I'm remarkably calm about it. Previous cycles have seen almost as few follies and ended with 2 embies so all is not quite yet lost.

I went for acupuncture to try and persuade a follie or two to join the party. My acupuncturist - at London's most expensive alternative fertility clinic - sent an electric current through the needles straight to those ovaries. That's gotta wake them up!

Anyway, at least there's no danger of OHSS. Not just yet.

My call with instructions today was 600 Pur.egon asap, a Cle.xane shot at bedtime, Cet.rotide an hour before your 7.30am blood draw AND we'd like you to come in and do the IV.Ig tomorrow or Friday. Apparently my NK Cell tests showed two to be a little elevated. I'd hummed and hah-ed about doing the controversial IVI.g, but now it comes to it, I don't want to risk messing with the clinic's system. I asked the doc about side effects and what might go wrong. I asked "what if I don't do it". I won't bore you with the detail, but on balance, I think it's better to do it than not.

So, tomorrow I have to go to the clinic for my 7.30am draw then hang around until 9.30am when they'll have freed up the IVI.g room - which also serves as the post-op recovery room. I'll be there FOUR TO FIVE HOURS!!!! I could fly to Greece or Israel in that time. I could see two full length movies and have a snack in between. Instead, i'll be sitting in a darkened basementwith my book, ipod, a magazine and - being the typical Jewish patient, a series of snacks in case I get hungry! Well, it's a long time!!

ER looks like being some time this weekend but no one knows for sure. I just hope we get three out and I have two embryos to show for it. It's not asking much...is it?

For the rest of this week i'll be occupied full time reproducing. Shame it's not the natural way - that'd be something to look forward to. As it is, I'm v glad i don't have a full time job - i'd never be able to manage a cycle with this clinic and a 9 to 5. I'm on twice daily bloods from tomorrow too!

All pretty quiet on the ovarian front

So. Day 6 of the most monitored week of my (un)reproductive life. Yesterday, i was up at 8am. At blood let lab by 8.50am and sitting in a cafe drinking tea and waiting for Mr G by 9.15. We had a gorgeous brekkie at Peter Gordon's restaurant Providores. It started badly when a Yummy Mummy (YM) on the next door table with a less-than-two year old announced to the waiter that she was pregnant and starving and HAD to have some food immediately. Having just spent my first waking hour in IF world, my heart sunk. She then proceeded to chat with another YM on a neighbouring table bonding over their various designer clad kiddies.

After a trip round the farmer's market to buy some veggies on my mission to eat healthily, we went to a big Dept store. We have money to spend there after our wedding that we never got around to spending. We wanted to wait until we had a new home, but with IF and lack of funds we haven't actually managed to get that new home yet. It's just one more thing that's on hold whilst we endure this limbo state we're in. We decided maybe we should just spend the money on something nice to cheer us up.

Anyway, during a pre-shop fortifying cup of peppermint tea the clinic called and said I had to inject Cetr.otide IMMEDIATELY. Obviously i didn't have any on my person and so we had to head home. Shopping clearly not meant to be!

Today I had a scan as well as my blood let. THREE flipping follicles. THREE! All this monitoring and rushing around and I still can't stump up more than previous best efforts. Crap. I know i've been at this stage before and gone on to a 2 embie transfer, but i just kind of hoped that this new clinic would drum up more follicular recruits. I left the clinic feeling really low. Walked around a bit - in the cold but sunny London morning - and then headed home.

I was only meant to be writing and cooking today so had a bit of an aimless one. When the clinic called they needed an immediate injection of a drug I didn't have. Darn. Had to rush up there to buy more stocks and sit and inject in the clinic's reception room. I've stabbed so many needles in my stomach already it's starting to sting as it goes in. Having said that, i've more or less stopped worrying about the needles. On Friday, I was so keen to use up ALL my valuable Pure.gon, i used no less than 4 seperate needles in getting it all out AND used two more for the Meriona.l! No wonder i'm sore!

I'm now on Cetroti.de (inject as soon as awake at 6.30am), 75mg aspirin and a steroid I can't remember the name of with my glass of milk before I set off for my bloods. I then inject late afternoon or evening with whatever cocktail of drugs i'm on that day PLUS another shot of Clex.ane (heparin) AND I pop a Clomid or two. It's madness!

Still, I do feel looked after and the nurses are v lovely. I only wonder if - based on the fact that I have the same total (so far) with this cycle as i've had every time before - it's all worth it...
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I also need a moan about how this is ruining my life again. I'd just got back into working. I'm getting work from a few different cooking schools and feeling on the right track again. I have absolutely no idea if I'm going to be able to fulfill work commitments for the next two or three weeks. I don't know whether to cancel now or wait and see. I don't want to let anyone down. It's SO hard and SO f'ing annoying. However steps forward I take each cycle takes me so far back. I just hope this one works...

Oh - was reading my last post. What I didn't make clear was that I was actually bleeding for four days before AF showed up in full force. I wasn't just turning up in the hope that my period had happened!

I have lots more moaning to do, but I think i'll leave it there. Only so much I can inflict upon you! xx

Hiding

I'm sorry i've been awol for nearly 2 weeks.

I haven't really felt much like being in touch with anyone lately.

I've actually started treatment at the new clinic. It was fairly traumatic getting to that point - mostly created by me - and, after the last false start, i haven't felt much like sharing. I was waiting for day one of this cycle for AGES. Perhaps because of the hysteroscopy a week earlier, my period arrived in stages. I was spotting more and more heavily from last Sat until Tuesday. It was heavy enough for me to think AF had pitched up, but didn't feel as heavy as usual. I assumed the op had cleaned me out and there wasn't much left to come out.

Not wanting to miss CD1 and risk losing this month, I went to the clinic for daily blood tests and a couple of scans from Sunday to Wednesday. Monday's scan showed I was still pre-period. The bloods said the same. I was feeling a total eejit! The nurses told me that it's not uncommon to get confused after a hyst'y. I was feeling stupid and not sleeping with the anxiety of it all. Anyway, AF showed up good and proper on Tues night and on Wed, i had the full day one bloods - again. They called on Wed night to say i was good to go! Thank goodness.

Since then, its been early starts - to get there at the front of the 7.30am blood test queue and then the front of the 8am scan queue. It's one series of queues at this clinic. I'm exhausted from lack of sleep and early rising. Still, i'm pleased to actually be jamming needles in my belly again. I started on 600mg of Pur.egon and, after a couple of days they've moved me on to 300mg Pure.gon, 300mg Meri.onal (or rather Menopur as that's what I have at home) plus 1 clomid tablet. What a lot of drugs!

They take blood each day and the Dr reviews your hormone levels before prescribing your dose. It's a hassle, but you feel so thoroughly monitored. I'm not sure I could go back to a usual Lon.don clinic after this. I hope i won't have to. (Note - that last comment is said with huge lack of belief and feeling of great fraudery - i know i made that up but i quite like fraudery as a word).

I need to go lie down and 'do a relax' (as Mr G calls it) to try to help this process, so i'll cut this update short. I can also smell the honey and thyme roasted veggies burning, so i must rescue them!

I cancelled a Christening we were meant to go to today at 2pm and a 40th tonight. It feels selfish and antisocial but Mr G and I have been working so hard we just don't feel like being with people. The Christening is one step too far really. The parents waited 5 long years - of miscarriages, IVF and a surprise pregnancy - for their beautiful angel child, so they understand where Mr G and I are. Still, I do feel a bit guilty not being there to share their joy. Hope it doesn't count against me on some register of good/bad deeds...

We've got A.tonement to watch tonight and some halibut to eat with the veggies. All good.

I've been really busy with work - but more of that another time.