I'm back from my booze and chocolate fest in France.
Mr G and I discovered the most amazing chocolate bar - Milka chocolate filled with salted peanuts and cornflakes. It was SO good we want to import it. It was hard to find so when we did see it we grabbed armsful. Good start to the new regime...not. We also found a really, really delicious white wine - Vouvray - which we drank a bottle of each night after drinking kir royales before dinner and rose at lunchtime.
The weather was perfect - blue sky and gorgeous sun all day each day. The chateau we stayed in Chateau St Paterne was also absolutely lovely. We had the most huge and fantastic room which had previously been an Orangerie and had 2 walls lined with floor to ceiling windows. The owner cooked the most delicious meals each night.
It was the perfect way to celebrate our first year of marriage, to grieve our failed IVF attempt and to remember what we're doing together. We laughed (a lot - especially when Mr G sat on an antique chair and the legs gave way beneath him - perhaps more horrified nervous giggling than laughter) and we cried quite a bit too - more me than him. It gave us a bit of space from the world to come to.
The only really crap moment was when - at the end of a drunken meal - he joked that he had more time than me (to reproduce) as he could find a younger model when my eggs have run out. He immediately realised what he'd said and couldn't believe his insensitivity. He aplogised a billion times, but i had to rush off to mop my eyes and have a bigger cry when we were back in our room. He's usually the most sensitive man in the world, but that really cut deep. He told me that some of my jokes have done the same - comments about his lazy swimmers etc have done some damage. I'll have to watch what I say a bit more too.
Coming home hasn't been great. I'm fighting off the grey clouds that are circling above my head but the weather's good and it's harder to be a moaner when you've got your Birkenstocks out. I've even painted my toenails!
Last story - as I hear Mr G arriving home and we're going out for a bite to eat. Today i went back to the dentist that i'd been to during the cycle. Those of you who have been paying attention may remember "Toothache-gate".
The last time I'd seen him i'd told him I was Pg, or at least could be as I was having IVF. This time I thought I must tell him I wasn't so that he could do injections if necessary. So, I strode in and announced "I'm not pregnant". He hadn't remembered the last visit and looked at me like I was mad, mumbling something about how I don't look pregnant. I realised how inappropriate that was and was mortified!
I then had to endure him telling me about Indian women's periods whlst I had my mouth full of a huge gum shield full of putty. Situations you don't ever imagine you will find yourself in...
I'll have to be careful who I announce i'm not pregnant too. I'm getting a bit free and easy with the whole discussing my reproductive system thing.
Hope all you girlies who shared the failed cycle experience are doing ok. We'll just have to pick ourselves up and start all over again.
xx
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Yet another PS...
Cool and unemotional? Yeah right! A menstruating girl with a side order of extra progesterone is not likely to be either of those things.
Replace "cool and unemtional" with "in shock"
Shock's over now. Mr G and I had a big cry - HOW much do I hate to see my gorgeous boy cry. I just want to make it all better and neither of us can.
Am now feeling what I should be....desperately unhappy and bleakly grey. It'll pass. I suppose.
I can deal with another failed cycle, but I just need to know that one day, not even one day very soon, that one day it will work for us.
Until then, i'll continue eating every chocolate item in my home and mopping up my tears and torrential, nasty, gushing AF. Yuck.
xx
Replace "cool and unemtional" with "in shock"
Shock's over now. Mr G and I had a big cry - HOW much do I hate to see my gorgeous boy cry. I just want to make it all better and neither of us can.
Am now feeling what I should be....desperately unhappy and bleakly grey. It'll pass. I suppose.
I can deal with another failed cycle, but I just need to know that one day, not even one day very soon, that one day it will work for us.
Until then, i'll continue eating every chocolate item in my home and mopping up my tears and torrential, nasty, gushing AF. Yuck.
xx
No surprises here
Once again, my darned body has denied me the dubious pleasure of peeing on a stick. Will I never enjoy the fearful anticipation and bated breath of the home pregancy test? Yesterday's spotting turned to full on period this morning.
Clearly my embryos weren't paying attention in the Mind Body class I attended. Lucky I was and am actually bearing up to the (not unexpected) disappointment quite well. I'm just waiting to collapse in a sobbing heap. Think that'll happen during the alcoholic binge I'm planning for my trip to France this weekend.
For now, i'm calm and unemotional - most unlike me really. I had an odd feeling about this cycle from the start.
Will just have to get right back in the stirrups for cycle 3...coming soon.
Good luck all you girlies with as yet unknown results. I really hope you get BFP's. It's the season of new growth etc - just because my body isn't joining in doesn't mean yours can't.
I'll be checking up on you when I return from France next Tuesday.
Bonne chance....pretentious? moi?
xx
Clearly my embryos weren't paying attention in the Mind Body class I attended. Lucky I was and am actually bearing up to the (not unexpected) disappointment quite well. I'm just waiting to collapse in a sobbing heap. Think that'll happen during the alcoholic binge I'm planning for my trip to France this weekend.
For now, i'm calm and unemotional - most unlike me really. I had an odd feeling about this cycle from the start.
Will just have to get right back in the stirrups for cycle 3...coming soon.
Good luck all you girlies with as yet unknown results. I really hope you get BFP's. It's the season of new growth etc - just because my body isn't joining in doesn't mean yours can't.
I'll be checking up on you when I return from France next Tuesday.
Bonne chance....pretentious? moi?
xx
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Cramping continues....
Well i'm still hanging on in there. The cramping continues but as yet...and i haven't checked for at least twenty minutes...no show in the knicker department.
I've lapsed into full symptom check - scouring blogs and chat rooms. Every so often I have a shimmer of excitement when I think this MAY have worked, but that's quickly replaced with the gloom of probable failure.
Last week's heaving bosom has rapidly deflated (nice while it lasted) and i've no other symptoms of being with child. It's a whole lot safer to assume the worst. It'll still be dismal but no surprise.
We're driving to Normandy on Friday morning to celebrate the Easter weekend and our first anniversary in a cosy little chateau. If it's a negative i'll drink lots of wine and coffee and hoover up huge amounts of smelly French cheese. See?!! I can even think about smelly cheese without revulsion!!
Am doing v badly on concentrating on work, but trying to as it takes my mind off the constant "am I or aren't I" loop in my head.
Just a couple more days. I don't even want to buy my HPT until i've made it to test day. I'm stupidly superstitious in case I jinx things and I don't even get to at least try the test. Maybe i'll succumb tomorrow afternoon if i've still not bled by then....
Fingers crossed for all you other girlies in limbo land xxx
I've lapsed into full symptom check - scouring blogs and chat rooms. Every so often I have a shimmer of excitement when I think this MAY have worked, but that's quickly replaced with the gloom of probable failure.
Last week's heaving bosom has rapidly deflated (nice while it lasted) and i've no other symptoms of being with child. It's a whole lot safer to assume the worst. It'll still be dismal but no surprise.
We're driving to Normandy on Friday morning to celebrate the Easter weekend and our first anniversary in a cosy little chateau. If it's a negative i'll drink lots of wine and coffee and hoover up huge amounts of smelly French cheese. See?!! I can even think about smelly cheese without revulsion!!
Am doing v badly on concentrating on work, but trying to as it takes my mind off the constant "am I or aren't I" loop in my head.
Just a couple more days. I don't even want to buy my HPT until i've made it to test day. I'm stupidly superstitious in case I jinx things and I don't even get to at least try the test. Maybe i'll succumb tomorrow afternoon if i've still not bled by then....
Fingers crossed for all you other girlies in limbo land xxx
Monday, April 02, 2007
2WW meltdown?
It's early morning of day 10 past 2 day transfer and it's like the clock has rolled back to last November. That was when I lost at my last go at this delightful game of "hold your nerve and retain some optimism as your body plays vile tricks with your mind".
Yesterday, on the same day as last time, the cramps began. Period like pains - that last time I vainly hoped were those embryos nestling down - started to appear. They've increased over the last 24 hours and what's a girl to think, other than "here we go again"...
Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!
I had a full sobbing meltdown last night after trying desperately to see the pains in a positive light - what positive light can there be?! - and feel similarly depressed this morning. I was doing so darn well.
But - and I almost feel foolish in clinging onto this raft of hope - it's not all over until the spotting begins. Thus far, no show, but if we're playing the "just like last time" routine, that should happen tomorrow morning.
In the meantime, i shall distract myself with work and some baking.
Watch this space...I shall be watching my knickers...i'm sure you'll be gagging to find out how Knickerwatch, the sequel ends
xx
Yesterday, on the same day as last time, the cramps began. Period like pains - that last time I vainly hoped were those embryos nestling down - started to appear. They've increased over the last 24 hours and what's a girl to think, other than "here we go again"...
Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!
I had a full sobbing meltdown last night after trying desperately to see the pains in a positive light - what positive light can there be?! - and feel similarly depressed this morning. I was doing so darn well.
But - and I almost feel foolish in clinging onto this raft of hope - it's not all over until the spotting begins. Thus far, no show, but if we're playing the "just like last time" routine, that should happen tomorrow morning.
In the meantime, i shall distract myself with work and some baking.
Watch this space...I shall be watching my knickers...i'm sure you'll be gagging to find out how Knickerwatch, the sequel ends
xx
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Ain't nothing goin' on but...some toothache
All quiet. Nothing much goin' on on the symptom front at all. I have HUGE progesterone pumped - and extremely tender - bosoms.
Mr G hs put in a vote for me to keep taking that particular drug as he can't believe his luck. As I'm a 150% out of bounds baby neurotic zone, he can't do much but admire them from afar.
Other than my inflated chest and some delightful white snail trail discharge which gives me a scare when I visit the toilet, there's not a lot to report. I've had a few lightheaded moments, but that may be too long between meals. I'm trying to eat regularly and much protein but have not always managed to get fuelled in good time. Note to self - must not get over hungry.
I've been fairly positive all week and have just arrived at "I can't bear the thought of it all going wrong...again" city. I will have to, but the weight of misery is too too much to contemplate. So I have tried not to.
Had fun with toothache yesteday. I particularly hate going to the dentist, so will only go if I really need to. I bit on something on Wed night and the pain was HUGE. Thought it might go away but it stayed all day Thursday. Gave in and booked an appt for friday and trotted down to the surgery with Mr G - who volunteered to come with me to keep me calm. Bless. I spent thursday being petrified and asking every medical source I could find if I could have dental anaesthetic. All said yes. I was super anxious that the anxiety was bad for my embryo chances and felt that all my efforts at calm had been hijacked.
Anyway, magically, the pain vanished once I was in the dentist's chair! He said that can happen and does quite a lot. After all that worrying, he did nothing other than a bit of tapping, water spraying and applying of desensitising stuff. I had the same pain last year he tells me and reckons it's potentially root canal work. Nice. Anyway, I skipped out of there unscathed - how much better is the exit from the dentist than the long walk in...!
So, nothing else to report. Work this morning - a private cooking lesson - cancelled as she's not well, so, having planned it yesterday i had an unexpected morning off which was a bonus.
As i'm feeling bloated and lardy am about to head out into the sun for a stroll in the park.
Hope all's well with you girlies out there waiting with me. I'll catch up with your blogs over the weekend.
xx
Mr G hs put in a vote for me to keep taking that particular drug as he can't believe his luck. As I'm a 150% out of bounds baby neurotic zone, he can't do much but admire them from afar.
Other than my inflated chest and some delightful white snail trail discharge which gives me a scare when I visit the toilet, there's not a lot to report. I've had a few lightheaded moments, but that may be too long between meals. I'm trying to eat regularly and much protein but have not always managed to get fuelled in good time. Note to self - must not get over hungry.
I've been fairly positive all week and have just arrived at "I can't bear the thought of it all going wrong...again" city. I will have to, but the weight of misery is too too much to contemplate. So I have tried not to.
Had fun with toothache yesteday. I particularly hate going to the dentist, so will only go if I really need to. I bit on something on Wed night and the pain was HUGE. Thought it might go away but it stayed all day Thursday. Gave in and booked an appt for friday and trotted down to the surgery with Mr G - who volunteered to come with me to keep me calm. Bless. I spent thursday being petrified and asking every medical source I could find if I could have dental anaesthetic. All said yes. I was super anxious that the anxiety was bad for my embryo chances and felt that all my efforts at calm had been hijacked.
Anyway, magically, the pain vanished once I was in the dentist's chair! He said that can happen and does quite a lot. After all that worrying, he did nothing other than a bit of tapping, water spraying and applying of desensitising stuff. I had the same pain last year he tells me and reckons it's potentially root canal work. Nice. Anyway, I skipped out of there unscathed - how much better is the exit from the dentist than the long walk in...!
So, nothing else to report. Work this morning - a private cooking lesson - cancelled as she's not well, so, having planned it yesterday i had an unexpected morning off which was a bonus.
As i'm feeling bloated and lardy am about to head out into the sun for a stroll in the park.
Hope all's well with you girlies out there waiting with me. I'll catch up with your blogs over the weekend.
xx
Monday, March 26, 2007
2 magpies
Well, we're still in the easy bit - 3 days past transfer - and i'm doing ok. The sun is shining on my little corner of NW London today.
I was determined I wasn't going to get all superstitious this time. Interpreting every green light and sunny day as a sign from up high that things were/are going well. But it's a beautiful spring day - really warm and sunny - and i'm sitting (with my feet up of course) in the garden and there are TWO MAGPIES strutting around right in front of me. (For those that are unaware of this superstition - if you see one magpie, that means sorrow coming your way and two mean joy!)
Ok, all right already, I KNOW that the presence of two black and white feathered creatures (readily found in any corner of this green and pleasant land) does not mean that my embryos are busily muliplying and dividing as I type. Still, a girl's gotta hope and it's a whole lot better than a gloomy grey day with one magpie struttin about outside Makes me feel better!
Last day of sitting on my behind - which will mean i've taken it easy for 2 and a half days post transfer, which I think is pretty good going.
Apart from a touch of constipation (sorry if that's TMI) some mild cramping and a bit of lower back discomfort (not even meriting the label of pain) i'm ok.
xx
I was determined I wasn't going to get all superstitious this time. Interpreting every green light and sunny day as a sign from up high that things were/are going well. But it's a beautiful spring day - really warm and sunny - and i'm sitting (with my feet up of course) in the garden and there are TWO MAGPIES strutting around right in front of me. (For those that are unaware of this superstition - if you see one magpie, that means sorrow coming your way and two mean joy!)
Ok, all right already, I KNOW that the presence of two black and white feathered creatures (readily found in any corner of this green and pleasant land) does not mean that my embryos are busily muliplying and dividing as I type. Still, a girl's gotta hope and it's a whole lot better than a gloomy grey day with one magpie struttin about outside Makes me feel better!
Last day of sitting on my behind - which will mean i've taken it easy for 2 and a half days post transfer, which I think is pretty good going.
Apart from a touch of constipation (sorry if that's TMI) some mild cramping and a bit of lower back discomfort (not even meriting the label of pain) i'm ok.
xx
Saturday, March 24, 2007
All aboard
Well, here we are again! We've made it through another cycle to transfer. A few hours ago a v lovely Italian lady doctor (Dottore) - standing in for our regular consultant who couldn't be with us today - transferred our 2 new embies back to my safe care.
It was the usual traumatic wait with full bladder as they were running v late today. They had NINE transfers to do! Wonder how many of us will be smiling in two weeks' time?
Before the transfer we stopped off for an acupuncture session at a clinic that will treat girls on their way to and from transfer. I had to wait a while to be seen but felt relaxed afterwards. Mr G bought me a brioche as i'd not had time to eat breakfast. I felt a bit ropey as I ate far too much fish and chips last night. That and the progesterone pessaries are playing havoc with my guts. Need to watch what i'm eating I think.
At the clinic we had to identify ourselves and make sure we were the right people to receive the precious cargo. Turns out both had developed fine overnight. Both marked down as top quality but I think not quite as good as last time. One had got to 4 cells and the other was 3 - on the way to 4. They were pleased with them.
Lovely Dottore talked us through the whole procedure and kept us entertained but told Mr G off for making us laugh halfway through. He was v moved to see them launched on screen in a cloud of fluid into my uterus.
After we signed for them we went back for a post-transfer acupuncuture - which involved another half hour wait in reception during which Mr G got v cross with the useless receptionist. Whilst i relaxed with the needles Mr G went off to some posh food stores to stock up with goodies for our time at home this weekend.
I'm now on my sofa with a stack of DVD's, mug of tea, pile of magazines and cooking shows on tv. Total pampering.
Not sure how I feel this time. We've done all we can, the doc's have done all they can. All we can do now is wait and hope that these are the ones and that in 2 weeks time we get a BFP and in nine months time we get a BFbaby!
Good luck to all of you others out there starting your wait xx
It was the usual traumatic wait with full bladder as they were running v late today. They had NINE transfers to do! Wonder how many of us will be smiling in two weeks' time?
Before the transfer we stopped off for an acupuncture session at a clinic that will treat girls on their way to and from transfer. I had to wait a while to be seen but felt relaxed afterwards. Mr G bought me a brioche as i'd not had time to eat breakfast. I felt a bit ropey as I ate far too much fish and chips last night. That and the progesterone pessaries are playing havoc with my guts. Need to watch what i'm eating I think.
At the clinic we had to identify ourselves and make sure we were the right people to receive the precious cargo. Turns out both had developed fine overnight. Both marked down as top quality but I think not quite as good as last time. One had got to 4 cells and the other was 3 - on the way to 4. They were pleased with them.
Lovely Dottore talked us through the whole procedure and kept us entertained but told Mr G off for making us laugh halfway through. He was v moved to see them launched on screen in a cloud of fluid into my uterus.
After we signed for them we went back for a post-transfer acupuncuture - which involved another half hour wait in reception during which Mr G got v cross with the useless receptionist. Whilst i relaxed with the needles Mr G went off to some posh food stores to stock up with goodies for our time at home this weekend.
I'm now on my sofa with a stack of DVD's, mug of tea, pile of magazines and cooking shows on tv. Total pampering.
Not sure how I feel this time. We've done all we can, the doc's have done all they can. All we can do now is wait and hope that these are the ones and that in 2 weeks time we get a BFP and in nine months time we get a BFbaby!
Good luck to all of you others out there starting your wait xx
Friday, March 23, 2007
Diminishing returns and hubbie gets a pseudonym
The clinic called well before expected.
The information note they sent us home with said between 11.30 and 1pm. At 10.10am, having started my day slowly (as i'm still a bit crampy, tired and spotting) I was just thinking of what I should do to distract myself from waiting for news when the home phone rang. As no one except my parents and in-laws rings my landline I was pretty sure it was the news i'd been waiting for.
Assuring me it was good news, Fatima - the embryologist we met last time - told me that 1 egg had not survived the ICSI process as it was full of holes (not good) and one had just not fertilised. The other two have fertilised! Thank goodness. Whilst 4 would have been great and 3 very nice news, we're consoling ourselves with the old "you only need one" mantra. Whilst it's true, it would have been good to have one to add to our frostie collection, but the poor lonely frosticle will have to remain alone for now.
We discussed it last night in bed and my hubbie - need to find a pseudonym for him - said he expected 2. I think the general mood here is optimism tinged with slight gloom at the fall-out rate. My mum asked me how i felt about it - suppose she thought I might be upset, but i'm remaining externally upbeat. Don't want her worrying any more than she alerady does.
So, we've been asked to go back tomorrow at 11.40 to have them transferred. I asked the embryologist what can still go wrong and she said they may not divide normally. I now am worried about that BUT she did say there's no reason to expect that.
Lets hope those embies keeping on growing so they can come to Mama tomorrow! Then we'll be into the 2WW which ends 2 days before our first wedding anniversary. We'll be on a romantic weekend in Normandy by then. Ooooh the suspense.
My job now is to keep calm and RELAX!
Oh, forgot to mention how crap yesterday's anaesthatist was. He jammed the big needle/catheter thing into my hand THREE times before he found a vein. He got all flustered and panicky and it took all my deep breathing to stay calm. As that was the one bit I was a bit nervous about it wasn't great, and i've 2 HUGE bruises on my hand now. Still, the anaesthetic worked a treat and I woke up feeling like i'd had the best sleep!
Fingers crossed for our egg/embryos tonight and thinking of all you glriles in the same boat. Again, the notes of support are lovely.
Deep down i'm a little pessimistic about this cycle, especially as things have been less good than last time, but i'm reallyk, really trying to bat away those negative thought.
On hubbies' pseudonym...I already use a v appropriate one in my restaurant review column which would give the game away. Think i'll go for Mr G. JUst need to remember to use it now!
xx
The information note they sent us home with said between 11.30 and 1pm. At 10.10am, having started my day slowly (as i'm still a bit crampy, tired and spotting) I was just thinking of what I should do to distract myself from waiting for news when the home phone rang. As no one except my parents and in-laws rings my landline I was pretty sure it was the news i'd been waiting for.
Assuring me it was good news, Fatima - the embryologist we met last time - told me that 1 egg had not survived the ICSI process as it was full of holes (not good) and one had just not fertilised. The other two have fertilised! Thank goodness. Whilst 4 would have been great and 3 very nice news, we're consoling ourselves with the old "you only need one" mantra. Whilst it's true, it would have been good to have one to add to our frostie collection, but the poor lonely frosticle will have to remain alone for now.
We discussed it last night in bed and my hubbie - need to find a pseudonym for him - said he expected 2. I think the general mood here is optimism tinged with slight gloom at the fall-out rate. My mum asked me how i felt about it - suppose she thought I might be upset, but i'm remaining externally upbeat. Don't want her worrying any more than she alerady does.
So, we've been asked to go back tomorrow at 11.40 to have them transferred. I asked the embryologist what can still go wrong and she said they may not divide normally. I now am worried about that BUT she did say there's no reason to expect that.
Lets hope those embies keeping on growing so they can come to Mama tomorrow! Then we'll be into the 2WW which ends 2 days before our first wedding anniversary. We'll be on a romantic weekend in Normandy by then. Ooooh the suspense.
My job now is to keep calm and RELAX!
Oh, forgot to mention how crap yesterday's anaesthatist was. He jammed the big needle/catheter thing into my hand THREE times before he found a vein. He got all flustered and panicky and it took all my deep breathing to stay calm. As that was the one bit I was a bit nervous about it wasn't great, and i've 2 HUGE bruises on my hand now. Still, the anaesthetic worked a treat and I woke up feeling like i'd had the best sleep!
Fingers crossed for our egg/embryos tonight and thinking of all you glriles in the same boat. Again, the notes of support are lovely.
Deep down i'm a little pessimistic about this cycle, especially as things have been less good than last time, but i'm reallyk, really trying to bat away those negative thought.
On hubbies' pseudonym...I already use a v appropriate one in my restaurant review column which would give the game away. Think i'll go for Mr G. JUst need to remember to use it now!
xx
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Best possible result!
Well, i'm back home with my feet up and i'm smiling!
When I came round from the anaesthetic, the lovely nurse - Sian - told me how i'd done. A few minutes later my hubbie and the Doc popped their heads around the door to tell me the news again! Apparently I was all weak and girlie voiced but v happy.
FOUR eggs! The best news we could have had from our four follicles. My gorgeous hubbie has now done his bit. Apparently they still haven't changed the porno mag in the w**king room (wonder what the proper name is for the room allotted for providing samples) - although i'm SURE he didn't even glance inside the mags....!
Now it's all in the hands of the embryologists.
As hubbie had to go off to a meeting my Mum and Dad came to pick me up and are now spoiling me at home. I'm being waited on hand and foot. This bit's stressful but also nice - a bit of a lull when I can bask in the pleasure of having managed to push out my four eggs and before we start the horrible 2WW. I so hope we get to start that wait!
Time to switch off and relax a bit.
Hope you girlies who triggered with me are doing ok and thanks to all of you posting comments - it means such a lot to know you're out there!
xx
When I came round from the anaesthetic, the lovely nurse - Sian - told me how i'd done. A few minutes later my hubbie and the Doc popped their heads around the door to tell me the news again! Apparently I was all weak and girlie voiced but v happy.
FOUR eggs! The best news we could have had from our four follicles. My gorgeous hubbie has now done his bit. Apparently they still haven't changed the porno mag in the w**king room (wonder what the proper name is for the room allotted for providing samples) - although i'm SURE he didn't even glance inside the mags....!
Now it's all in the hands of the embryologists.
As hubbie had to go off to a meeting my Mum and Dad came to pick me up and are now spoiling me at home. I'm being waited on hand and foot. This bit's stressful but also nice - a bit of a lull when I can bask in the pleasure of having managed to push out my four eggs and before we start the horrible 2WW. I so hope we get to start that wait!
Time to switch off and relax a bit.
Hope you girlies who triggered with me are doing ok and thanks to all of you posting comments - it means such a lot to know you're out there!
xx
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Triggered
Despite my having spent much of the last few days with a hot water bottle stuck down my trousers - warming those ovaries, Tuesday's scan showed a little slowing down of growth. Three of those little angels were over the line but the smallest had stayed still. Aaaaaargh!!
I waited all day to hear back from the clnic as to whether they'd trigger tuesday or wednesday. In need of some success stories, I sat down to watch one of the Dr Robert Winston IVF programmes that i'd taped last year, but couldn't face watching after our first failure. It showed 2 couples who'd had umpteen failed goes at IVF. One of the ladies - a midwife - was reaching the end of her tether and had to remortgage their home to pay for the next treatment when she and her hubby were trying PGS - genetic screening of the embryos. The other couple seemed to have endless cash and went off to try their chances with ARGC and the controversial Dr Taranissi. I won't ramble on about it, but the end result was a failure for the midwife but eventual twin pg for the rich folk on their NINTH attempt. Whilst I don't fancy nine goes, at least it showed you can get there in the end.
Pepped up by that, I was pleased to hear i was to be triggered on that night. By the time they called I was late to go and meet my buddy before our MindBody session and had to jam in my last dose of Menopur before I left - v relaxing...not!
I triggered last night at 10pm. The huge syringe of Pregnyl really stung going in and has felt v bruised today.
Today i've taken a walk in the sun. Filed my weekly restaurant review, got some groceries in and had an acupuncture session. I wanted to give those eggs a last minute push, but felt like i'd wasted my money slightly, as apparently, the trigger stops the eggs growing, so the acupunturist just did a calming type treatment. After paying the huge treatment bill I was probably more stressed than before!
My darling hubbie is nagging me to take it easy, so i'll keep this short. Cross your fingers and say some prayers for me and hope that I can push out a few good eggs tomorrow at 9am xx
I waited all day to hear back from the clnic as to whether they'd trigger tuesday or wednesday. In need of some success stories, I sat down to watch one of the Dr Robert Winston IVF programmes that i'd taped last year, but couldn't face watching after our first failure. It showed 2 couples who'd had umpteen failed goes at IVF. One of the ladies - a midwife - was reaching the end of her tether and had to remortgage their home to pay for the next treatment when she and her hubby were trying PGS - genetic screening of the embryos. The other couple seemed to have endless cash and went off to try their chances with ARGC and the controversial Dr Taranissi. I won't ramble on about it, but the end result was a failure for the midwife but eventual twin pg for the rich folk on their NINTH attempt. Whilst I don't fancy nine goes, at least it showed you can get there in the end.
Pepped up by that, I was pleased to hear i was to be triggered on that night. By the time they called I was late to go and meet my buddy before our MindBody session and had to jam in my last dose of Menopur before I left - v relaxing...not!
I triggered last night at 10pm. The huge syringe of Pregnyl really stung going in and has felt v bruised today.
Today i've taken a walk in the sun. Filed my weekly restaurant review, got some groceries in and had an acupuncture session. I wanted to give those eggs a last minute push, but felt like i'd wasted my money slightly, as apparently, the trigger stops the eggs growing, so the acupunturist just did a calming type treatment. After paying the huge treatment bill I was probably more stressed than before!
My darling hubbie is nagging me to take it easy, so i'll keep this short. Cross your fingers and say some prayers for me and hope that I can push out a few good eggs tomorrow at 9am xx
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Still in the game...
Well, it's now Sunday and things are slightly brighter. The sun's still shining outside too!
After tears all day Wed and full-on panic by the time Friday morning came, my ovaries had managed to push out another couple of follicles. Grand total - FIVE! Still not going to win "best in show" but getting there. My blood was taken to check there's some oestrodol (sure that's spelt wrong) action as that had been light too on Wed. Things had improved. More than double the oestrodol and the lining now thickening. Promising. A much smilier girl left the clinic.
I had an acupuncture session on Friday where all stops were pulled out. Electrodes attached to needles above my ovaries and moxa burning on points over my knees! I was a human pin cushion! I've drunk several gallons of water and am walking around with a hot water bottle stuck to my abdomen!
Toda's scan (Sunday) showed 4 follicles on the move. 1 big enough, 3 behind and 2 still idling. GET A MOVE ON!!!! I've got to go back tomorrow to see what's going on and to decide when to release them. As luck would have it, we were at the clinic all day anyway today, doing the Mind Body course, which involved some yoga, some picture drawing and stuff on communicating with our partners. Good relaxing stuff, and oddly comforting. Surrounded by people who get it and who care.
I'm more hopeful and trying to banish the negative thoughts that pop back into my mind. Fingers crossed that the eggs we have pop out, fertlise and return to mama as perfect embryos that grow up to be beautfiul babies!
x
After tears all day Wed and full-on panic by the time Friday morning came, my ovaries had managed to push out another couple of follicles. Grand total - FIVE! Still not going to win "best in show" but getting there. My blood was taken to check there's some oestrodol (sure that's spelt wrong) action as that had been light too on Wed. Things had improved. More than double the oestrodol and the lining now thickening. Promising. A much smilier girl left the clinic.
I had an acupuncture session on Friday where all stops were pulled out. Electrodes attached to needles above my ovaries and moxa burning on points over my knees! I was a human pin cushion! I've drunk several gallons of water and am walking around with a hot water bottle stuck to my abdomen!
Toda's scan (Sunday) showed 4 follicles on the move. 1 big enough, 3 behind and 2 still idling. GET A MOVE ON!!!! I've got to go back tomorrow to see what's going on and to decide when to release them. As luck would have it, we were at the clinic all day anyway today, doing the Mind Body course, which involved some yoga, some picture drawing and stuff on communicating with our partners. Good relaxing stuff, and oddly comforting. Surrounded by people who get it and who care.
I'm more hopeful and trying to banish the negative thoughts that pop back into my mind. Fingers crossed that the eggs we have pop out, fertlise and return to mama as perfect embryos that grow up to be beautfiul babies!
x
Thursday, March 15, 2007
THREE
Can't believe its been three weeks since my last entry!
Been quite busy with work and stuff and hormonal ups and downs of life with IVF. Although there have been quite a few interesting moments, the last two days have FORCED me to fire up the Blogger machine as I HAVE to share them.
Yesterday was the first scan since i've been stimming. I was quietly hopeful. The hormones had clearly been doing their job this time. A definite suppression was evidenced by my teary outbursts and irrational behaviour. There was window of normality - of one evening - as the Menopur ironed out the Buserelin (down reg drug) and I behaved like a normal person. That closed as the Menopur took over and I returned to IVF woman. The tears returned the next day. I've also had a hugely upset tummy and the odd headache.
Anyway, back to the story. All drugged up, I was hopeful of a better score than last time (I think you know where i'm going with this by now) but hugely nervous as I made my way to the clinic. Trouble on the tube - and my leaving late, meant I arrived late, stressed and even more anxious than when I set out. Thee was a new scanning lady there - who kept pronouncing my name wrong and seemed to think i'd be happy dropping my knickers without a curtain between us to protect what's left of my modesty. She was nice enough, but not so nice that she couldn't magic up more than the three (THREE!!!) measly follicles my ovaries had managed to produce. What were they thinking of? Sitting there relaxing when they're meant to be on full steam ahead.
I was mortified. Back in the waiting room there were two ladies with small children. MESSAGE FOR THOSE ALREADY BLESSED - LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN AT HOME WHEN YOU GO FOR AN APPOINTMENT!!! it's just not fair. One of them - scanned after me - returned to announce 10 follicles. That's really not on. Why should she - with her small child - have so many more than me?!
We waited ages to see the nurse and when we did, I could no longer contain the (very hormonal) tears. The nurse we saw - i'd already rejected one nurse because I don't like her very much and couldn't face hearing my bad news confirmed by her - the nurse we saw, was so sweet. She said that i'd only had a poor response last time (great) but that my eggs and embryos had been v good quality. They found our specialist - who happened to be in the clniic - and he came to see me to say "dont' worry" as he expected this and all's ok. My darling husband tried to calm me down, was v sweet, but by now had to rush off to a business meeting. I'd calmed down a bit and insisted he go.
Anyway, after a day of tears - yesterday - i'm more positive today. I only need the one and that's what we'll be aiming for!
Second story involves today's outing. Possibly the weirdest and yet most comedy moment yet in our IVF journey. We went to see a hynotherapist. He is the weirdest looking man - nearly 70 (as he kept telling us) with a brown wig and dyed brown beard and dyed brown eye brows plus thick fake tan. The brownest man i've seen! Had to stare at him. He kept telling my husband that we should keep having "abundant s*x" (Not sure if I should write the "S" word in full or I might appear in places I don't want to. He advised that hubbie should delay his ejac****n and asked if he knew how. Hubbie said he knew, but the minute I went to the toilet, hypno man started giving an indepth description of how my boy should control himself. It took all our efforts not to giggle. We couldn't look at each other for a second. I don't think i've ever felt so uncomfortable in my life. At least it cheered us up and took my mind off yesterday's antics!
Fingers crossed for some more follies tomorrow x
Been quite busy with work and stuff and hormonal ups and downs of life with IVF. Although there have been quite a few interesting moments, the last two days have FORCED me to fire up the Blogger machine as I HAVE to share them.
Yesterday was the first scan since i've been stimming. I was quietly hopeful. The hormones had clearly been doing their job this time. A definite suppression was evidenced by my teary outbursts and irrational behaviour. There was window of normality - of one evening - as the Menopur ironed out the Buserelin (down reg drug) and I behaved like a normal person. That closed as the Menopur took over and I returned to IVF woman. The tears returned the next day. I've also had a hugely upset tummy and the odd headache.
Anyway, back to the story. All drugged up, I was hopeful of a better score than last time (I think you know where i'm going with this by now) but hugely nervous as I made my way to the clinic. Trouble on the tube - and my leaving late, meant I arrived late, stressed and even more anxious than when I set out. Thee was a new scanning lady there - who kept pronouncing my name wrong and seemed to think i'd be happy dropping my knickers without a curtain between us to protect what's left of my modesty. She was nice enough, but not so nice that she couldn't magic up more than the three (THREE!!!) measly follicles my ovaries had managed to produce. What were they thinking of? Sitting there relaxing when they're meant to be on full steam ahead.
I was mortified. Back in the waiting room there were two ladies with small children. MESSAGE FOR THOSE ALREADY BLESSED - LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN AT HOME WHEN YOU GO FOR AN APPOINTMENT!!! it's just not fair. One of them - scanned after me - returned to announce 10 follicles. That's really not on. Why should she - with her small child - have so many more than me?!
We waited ages to see the nurse and when we did, I could no longer contain the (very hormonal) tears. The nurse we saw - i'd already rejected one nurse because I don't like her very much and couldn't face hearing my bad news confirmed by her - the nurse we saw, was so sweet. She said that i'd only had a poor response last time (great) but that my eggs and embryos had been v good quality. They found our specialist - who happened to be in the clniic - and he came to see me to say "dont' worry" as he expected this and all's ok. My darling husband tried to calm me down, was v sweet, but by now had to rush off to a business meeting. I'd calmed down a bit and insisted he go.
Anyway, after a day of tears - yesterday - i'm more positive today. I only need the one and that's what we'll be aiming for!
Second story involves today's outing. Possibly the weirdest and yet most comedy moment yet in our IVF journey. We went to see a hynotherapist. He is the weirdest looking man - nearly 70 (as he kept telling us) with a brown wig and dyed brown beard and dyed brown eye brows plus thick fake tan. The brownest man i've seen! Had to stare at him. He kept telling my husband that we should keep having "abundant s*x" (Not sure if I should write the "S" word in full or I might appear in places I don't want to. He advised that hubbie should delay his ejac****n and asked if he knew how. Hubbie said he knew, but the minute I went to the toilet, hypno man started giving an indepth description of how my boy should control himself. It took all our efforts not to giggle. We couldn't look at each other for a second. I don't think i've ever felt so uncomfortable in my life. At least it cheered us up and took my mind off yesterday's antics!
Fingers crossed for some more follies tomorrow x
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Paul McCartney
Wasn't going to write again today, but last night we had a superb star spot.
We'd gone out to buy a fan heater - it's still SO COLD in the flat whilst we are without heat. We spent 20 minutes discussing which one to buy and what difference there was (if any) between them and came to a unilateral decision (mine) to go cheap as we only need it for a night. We left the cash desk with my darling boy insisting we'd bought the wrong heater and that the more expensive one - he wanted - would be better. I was a bit dehydated, so MDB wanted to get me some water from the vending machine. The machine (of course) ate our money and kept the bottle of water. Another 10 mins was spent getting a refund.
By the time that was all done we were hungry and decided to go for an early supper. Some more discussions took place - what did we fancy? which area did we want to be in? which restaurant etc. We ended up in an Italian restaurant that looked really, really quiet. 4 waiters were hanging around and rushed to help us. We felt sorry for them. This was at 7pm. AT 7.45, people started turning up in their droves and by 8.10 it was PACKED! Obviously a local favourite. As I write about restaurants for a living I decided i had this week's column - this place obviously is extremely successful. Some restaurant critic I am - we'd only gone in as we thought it sad that the waiters were all hanging around. Anyway, before you get bored ridged and return a more exciting blog of a far more interesting infertile, the piece de resistance arrived. Mr McCartney with young woman with dark hair - not Stella but possibly his other daughter, Mary. The whole restaurant turned to stare as he walked to the rear dining area. He is SUCH a star - almost royalty really!
I introduced myself to the manager as I left to let him know i'd be writing about the place. Turns out this is a fave haunt of PM's and he's been going for 25 years! The place has been there for 40 years - and we'd felt sorry for them! Just shows.
Anyway, i'm off to take a headache pill - the supression headache's returned - maybe too little water yesterday? The drilling from the plumber installing our new boiler isn't helping.
Never mind - it's all in a good cause!
x
We'd gone out to buy a fan heater - it's still SO COLD in the flat whilst we are without heat. We spent 20 minutes discussing which one to buy and what difference there was (if any) between them and came to a unilateral decision (mine) to go cheap as we only need it for a night. We left the cash desk with my darling boy insisting we'd bought the wrong heater and that the more expensive one - he wanted - would be better. I was a bit dehydated, so MDB wanted to get me some water from the vending machine. The machine (of course) ate our money and kept the bottle of water. Another 10 mins was spent getting a refund.
By the time that was all done we were hungry and decided to go for an early supper. Some more discussions took place - what did we fancy? which area did we want to be in? which restaurant etc. We ended up in an Italian restaurant that looked really, really quiet. 4 waiters were hanging around and rushed to help us. We felt sorry for them. This was at 7pm. AT 7.45, people started turning up in their droves and by 8.10 it was PACKED! Obviously a local favourite. As I write about restaurants for a living I decided i had this week's column - this place obviously is extremely successful. Some restaurant critic I am - we'd only gone in as we thought it sad that the waiters were all hanging around. Anyway, before you get bored ridged and return a more exciting blog of a far more interesting infertile, the piece de resistance arrived. Mr McCartney with young woman with dark hair - not Stella but possibly his other daughter, Mary. The whole restaurant turned to stare as he walked to the rear dining area. He is SUCH a star - almost royalty really!
I introduced myself to the manager as I left to let him know i'd be writing about the place. Turns out this is a fave haunt of PM's and he's been going for 25 years! The place has been there for 40 years - and we'd felt sorry for them! Just shows.
Anyway, i'm off to take a headache pill - the supression headache's returned - maybe too little water yesterday? The drilling from the plumber installing our new boiler isn't helping.
Never mind - it's all in a good cause!
x
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Tissue territory
Well, we're here. Time to invest in a bumper pack of Kleenex. The waterworks are ON!
To be fair (to me) i've been tested these last couple of days. I'm 8 days into Buserelin and the weird 'having my menopause but still menstruating' period has shown up. AF's arrival is ordinarily heralded by a good sob, so that's all usual stuff. Crying at the wheel of my Mini is not.
It was brought on by our boiler deciding that just after we'd got the (£5k) credit card bill for our second IVF cycle would be a good time to throw in the towel. The boiler's successor is going to cost us something in the region of £2k. Marvellous. Good job!
Refusing to let it interfere with my routine, i decided that i'd still go out and exercise first thing. I got back with a good hour to wash, dress, inject, breakfast and leave the house at 9am for my osteopath appt. I got 3 huge pans of water on to heat up. Our kettle - in league with the boiler - had decided to give up the ghost at the weekend. To add to that, one of the gas rings won't fire up either! What is it with our domestic water heating arrangements?!!
One of my bigger pans was in the fridge as it had braised red cabbage in it. I emptied the cabbage out and gave the pan a quick rinse so that I could get max water over the 3 gas rings I had. When I started filling the bath, I found we had no running water - hot or cold - to our bath, so I had to bail in cold water from the sink. Marvellous. Anyway, by the time the water had heated up it was 8.40 and I ended up sitting in about 2 inches of hot water. I'd just managed - by lying flat on my back with my legs out the bath - to wash my hair when i noticed some floating bits. Cabbage. I must have missed some when I rinsed the pan and was washing in cabbagey water. Nice.
I managed to wash and dry me and my hair, inject AND put on make up by 9am. An achievement, but not exactly what my relaxation course would recommend!
The plumber promised to arrive at midday. He rang on my doorbell at 15.45. I was SO not amused. My day has been totally wasted! To top it all - he said there's no time to do the job today! He's taken the boiler and says he'll be back tomorrow morning to finish the job. So, no hot water (again) and no heating tonight. Joy. Probably time to take a few DEEP breaths and listen to my relaxation CD.
At least this is happening now and not in 3 weeks when i'm sure i'll be knee deep in sodden tissues and wearing the gorgeous swollen red eyes of the mid treatment IVF'r.
x
To be fair (to me) i've been tested these last couple of days. I'm 8 days into Buserelin and the weird 'having my menopause but still menstruating' period has shown up. AF's arrival is ordinarily heralded by a good sob, so that's all usual stuff. Crying at the wheel of my Mini is not.
It was brought on by our boiler deciding that just after we'd got the (£5k) credit card bill for our second IVF cycle would be a good time to throw in the towel. The boiler's successor is going to cost us something in the region of £2k. Marvellous. Good job!
Refusing to let it interfere with my routine, i decided that i'd still go out and exercise first thing. I got back with a good hour to wash, dress, inject, breakfast and leave the house at 9am for my osteopath appt. I got 3 huge pans of water on to heat up. Our kettle - in league with the boiler - had decided to give up the ghost at the weekend. To add to that, one of the gas rings won't fire up either! What is it with our domestic water heating arrangements?!!
One of my bigger pans was in the fridge as it had braised red cabbage in it. I emptied the cabbage out and gave the pan a quick rinse so that I could get max water over the 3 gas rings I had. When I started filling the bath, I found we had no running water - hot or cold - to our bath, so I had to bail in cold water from the sink. Marvellous. Anyway, by the time the water had heated up it was 8.40 and I ended up sitting in about 2 inches of hot water. I'd just managed - by lying flat on my back with my legs out the bath - to wash my hair when i noticed some floating bits. Cabbage. I must have missed some when I rinsed the pan and was washing in cabbagey water. Nice.
I managed to wash and dry me and my hair, inject AND put on make up by 9am. An achievement, but not exactly what my relaxation course would recommend!
The plumber promised to arrive at midday. He rang on my doorbell at 15.45. I was SO not amused. My day has been totally wasted! To top it all - he said there's no time to do the job today! He's taken the boiler and says he'll be back tomorrow morning to finish the job. So, no hot water (again) and no heating tonight. Joy. Probably time to take a few DEEP breaths and listen to my relaxation CD.
At least this is happening now and not in 3 weeks when i'm sure i'll be knee deep in sodden tissues and wearing the gorgeous swollen red eyes of the mid treatment IVF'r.
x
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Granny Smiths
Every morning, I slice a crisp, green Granny Smith apple in half. I then core and slice one half over my morning porridge. Every morning I forget that the apple has a little blue sticker on it and watch as the small pieces of apple dropping onto my steaming oats have tiny blue sticker remanants over some of them.
Why do the people who sell us the apples think we need a blue sticker? I don' t need a sticker to tell me it's a Granny Smith apple. If it's for those who don't know, then if you're not interested enough to work out what breed of apple you're buying, you're not going to care much anyway. All that the stupid sticker does is leave glue on my apple - probably - and end up in pieces over my breakfast. I make the same stupid mistake every day and have probably ingested a large amount of blue paper - wonder if that's bad for me?
Worse for me probably is the anxiety and frustsration my new drug of choice (?) is creating. I'm 6 mornings into my Buserelin regime. Overall, i'm not too bad. I've mastered the whole drawing up the drug/tapping the needle/air bubble thing - which always makes me feel like a medic or at least a fully paid up drug addict! The only effects that i've noticed are massive tiredness - really full on need to flop - and thirst - need to drink all the time. Otherwise, apart from some minor breast tenderness, all's good. My boy's on red alert for terrorist outbursts from me or perhaps some unwarranted and inappropriate sobbing, but...not wanting to speak too soon...all seems ok. I don't even have the bruises i inflicted all over my tummy last time. Obviously, it's very early days in my chemical menopause though.
I'm doing a daily half hour of relaxation - as prescribed by my MindBody course, and trying to make some me time. I seem to get enough me time really in any event.
Otherwise not a huge amount to report. This time I have a posse of IVF'ers around me going through the hoops. Two are ahead of me by a week or two, one (an FET) is almost the same start and another started her down reg at the same time as me. I think she may be a bit younger, but i'm not sure. It's comforting to have them alongside, but a little corner of my mind is scared that statistically, we can't all succeed. Who's going to get the luck this time? 2 have had (sadly failed) pregancies before, so my money's on them. My body wouldn't recognise a pregnancy if it came up and punched it in the ovaries.
I'm fairly relaxed about everything this time. I almost feel resigned to it not working, but do expect it to work on the third or fourth try. Not sure why I feel like that, but it does keep me calm. Maybe it's a protection mechanism. My boy reads these entries, and will go mad with me for my negativity. It's not total negativity, just a way of not expecting too much from this, my second foray into reproductive medicine.
Whilst the medical side isn't especially different this time, the mental side is better. There's the MIndBody course, weekly massage at home and acupunture. Annoyingly, my acupuncturist is off to India (what a cliche that is) for three weeks around the main even of this cycle without directing a needle towards a potential replacement. I'm on the hunt for a sub - and may well have found one - but am seriously unimpressed with her karmic feelings.
I'm now venting and rambling, so i'm off to lie with my relaxation CD for 30 mins. After the dim sum fest my boy and I just enjoyed, i think i may be snoring in minutes
xx
Why do the people who sell us the apples think we need a blue sticker? I don' t need a sticker to tell me it's a Granny Smith apple. If it's for those who don't know, then if you're not interested enough to work out what breed of apple you're buying, you're not going to care much anyway. All that the stupid sticker does is leave glue on my apple - probably - and end up in pieces over my breakfast. I make the same stupid mistake every day and have probably ingested a large amount of blue paper - wonder if that's bad for me?
Worse for me probably is the anxiety and frustsration my new drug of choice (?) is creating. I'm 6 mornings into my Buserelin regime. Overall, i'm not too bad. I've mastered the whole drawing up the drug/tapping the needle/air bubble thing - which always makes me feel like a medic or at least a fully paid up drug addict! The only effects that i've noticed are massive tiredness - really full on need to flop - and thirst - need to drink all the time. Otherwise, apart from some minor breast tenderness, all's good. My boy's on red alert for terrorist outbursts from me or perhaps some unwarranted and inappropriate sobbing, but...not wanting to speak too soon...all seems ok. I don't even have the bruises i inflicted all over my tummy last time. Obviously, it's very early days in my chemical menopause though.
I'm doing a daily half hour of relaxation - as prescribed by my MindBody course, and trying to make some me time. I seem to get enough me time really in any event.
Otherwise not a huge amount to report. This time I have a posse of IVF'ers around me going through the hoops. Two are ahead of me by a week or two, one (an FET) is almost the same start and another started her down reg at the same time as me. I think she may be a bit younger, but i'm not sure. It's comforting to have them alongside, but a little corner of my mind is scared that statistically, we can't all succeed. Who's going to get the luck this time? 2 have had (sadly failed) pregancies before, so my money's on them. My body wouldn't recognise a pregnancy if it came up and punched it in the ovaries.
I'm fairly relaxed about everything this time. I almost feel resigned to it not working, but do expect it to work on the third or fourth try. Not sure why I feel like that, but it does keep me calm. Maybe it's a protection mechanism. My boy reads these entries, and will go mad with me for my negativity. It's not total negativity, just a way of not expecting too much from this, my second foray into reproductive medicine.
Whilst the medical side isn't especially different this time, the mental side is better. There's the MIndBody course, weekly massage at home and acupunture. Annoyingly, my acupuncturist is off to India (what a cliche that is) for three weeks around the main even of this cycle without directing a needle towards a potential replacement. I'm on the hunt for a sub - and may well have found one - but am seriously unimpressed with her karmic feelings.
I'm now venting and rambling, so i'm off to lie with my relaxation CD for 30 mins. After the dim sum fest my boy and I just enjoyed, i think i may be snoring in minutes
xx
Friday, February 16, 2007
Valentines, drugs and other bits
I've been reading Hopeful Mother's wonderful entries and finding myself thinking about her later and smiling to myself. Apologies - if I was clever i'd set up a link direct to her site here, but I can't and i'm increasingly feeling a techno twit. Still you'll find her address to the right of the page anyway.
Her reaction to her BFP has been adorable and so well written. Obviously I read it with an element of "what about me?" but then don't we all but she's given us so much of herself on her blog that you get drawn in and can't help feeling elated that with her. It gives us hope and I'm just so pleased for her.
I'm trying to limit my IVF related activities. I know that once I really get started with this cycle it will - as last time - take over. I want to keep myself in the real world as long as I can. The number of IVF hours are creeping up though...I've joined a Mind and Body relaxation group run at my clinic. There are 11 of us girls in it plus the co-ordinator and two helpers. We're all in the infertility trap. Some have had a few goes at IUI and IVF but not all have gone through the IVF rollercoaster yet. Many are nervous of the journey and are in the group to help them get the courage up to go through the experience. The aim of the course is to teach us all life skills of relaxation so that we can better cope with treatment and with many stressful experiences. We're meant to keep the goings on in the group confidential, so that's about all i'll say, other than i'm really enjoying it so far and i'm sure it'll do me some good. Oh - one of the girls in the group is cycling the same time as me! A brilliant coincidence to share the experience!
I HAVE to report on my Valentines Day. I'm SO not a Val Day person - never really thought much of it, even more so now there's such pressure on all of us to perform on the day. Still, on our first married Val Day, my most gorgeous and wonderful husband pulled out all the stops. He evicted me for 2 hours at around 4.30pm. I sat in a cafe with wifi up the street and worked whilst waiting.
When I got the call to come home, he opened the door and there were candles EVERYWHERE, the table was laid in the kitchen with lovely red tulips in vases and, in our living room was a massage table and a lady waiting to give me a massage!! After the most fantastic massage, she left and he fed me a home cooked meal of my favourite food. I hate to sound cheesey but it was so lovely. Made me realise that what i've got - even without babies - is very wonderful.
Just so you know - I didnt' forget him...i had a box of mini breakfast pastries and jams etc delivered to his radio station (where he does a breakfast show) and I baked him some heart shaped cakes which I iced and left in a box for him when he got in from work. Yeah, yeah, i know it's the height of cheese, but we're newly weds!!!
Last bit of info for this post is the drugs. I ordered the drugs on Monday - and they cost TWICE AS MUCH as i'd been told and EVEN MORE THAN LAST TIME!!! I was horrified, but what are you going to do? My cycle buddy from the course got her drugs on the NHS - FOR FREE!!!! That is so unfair. Anyway, the big box showed up yesterday morning, with a huge needle kit and sharps bin this time. I've stacked them in one of our bathrooms. it's a horrible moment when you unpack the drugs as it brings it all home. I'm a little nervous of my Buserelin injections. I didn't do them last time and i'm not entirely sure how to get the drug out of the vial and into the me. I know it's a syringe, but i'm going to have to ring the clnic for advice.
Enough now. Time to get back to work. IVF is a HUGE distraction - much easier to vent for 20 mins about it on line than to concentrate on today's work!
xxxx
Her reaction to her BFP has been adorable and so well written. Obviously I read it with an element of "what about me?" but then don't we all but she's given us so much of herself on her blog that you get drawn in and can't help feeling elated that with her. It gives us hope and I'm just so pleased for her.
I'm trying to limit my IVF related activities. I know that once I really get started with this cycle it will - as last time - take over. I want to keep myself in the real world as long as I can. The number of IVF hours are creeping up though...I've joined a Mind and Body relaxation group run at my clinic. There are 11 of us girls in it plus the co-ordinator and two helpers. We're all in the infertility trap. Some have had a few goes at IUI and IVF but not all have gone through the IVF rollercoaster yet. Many are nervous of the journey and are in the group to help them get the courage up to go through the experience. The aim of the course is to teach us all life skills of relaxation so that we can better cope with treatment and with many stressful experiences. We're meant to keep the goings on in the group confidential, so that's about all i'll say, other than i'm really enjoying it so far and i'm sure it'll do me some good. Oh - one of the girls in the group is cycling the same time as me! A brilliant coincidence to share the experience!
I HAVE to report on my Valentines Day. I'm SO not a Val Day person - never really thought much of it, even more so now there's such pressure on all of us to perform on the day. Still, on our first married Val Day, my most gorgeous and wonderful husband pulled out all the stops. He evicted me for 2 hours at around 4.30pm. I sat in a cafe with wifi up the street and worked whilst waiting.
When I got the call to come home, he opened the door and there were candles EVERYWHERE, the table was laid in the kitchen with lovely red tulips in vases and, in our living room was a massage table and a lady waiting to give me a massage!! After the most fantastic massage, she left and he fed me a home cooked meal of my favourite food. I hate to sound cheesey but it was so lovely. Made me realise that what i've got - even without babies - is very wonderful.
Just so you know - I didnt' forget him...i had a box of mini breakfast pastries and jams etc delivered to his radio station (where he does a breakfast show) and I baked him some heart shaped cakes which I iced and left in a box for him when he got in from work. Yeah, yeah, i know it's the height of cheese, but we're newly weds!!!
Last bit of info for this post is the drugs. I ordered the drugs on Monday - and they cost TWICE AS MUCH as i'd been told and EVEN MORE THAN LAST TIME!!! I was horrified, but what are you going to do? My cycle buddy from the course got her drugs on the NHS - FOR FREE!!!! That is so unfair. Anyway, the big box showed up yesterday morning, with a huge needle kit and sharps bin this time. I've stacked them in one of our bathrooms. it's a horrible moment when you unpack the drugs as it brings it all home. I'm a little nervous of my Buserelin injections. I didn't do them last time and i'm not entirely sure how to get the drug out of the vial and into the me. I know it's a syringe, but i'm going to have to ring the clnic for advice.
Enough now. Time to get back to work. IVF is a HUGE distraction - much easier to vent for 20 mins about it on line than to concentrate on today's work!
xxxx
Thursday, February 08, 2007
IVF works
It's official...IVF does really work.
First Heather (Desperatelyseekingbaby) and now HopefulMother have reached the end goal. I'm so pleased for both of them and every piece of good news gives me a boost because it proves that this journey i'm on can end in success.
I'm in that weird twilight zone pre-cycle. Just starting to crank up the hours spent cruising the internet for information and success stories, leafing through the various self-help books and beginning the abstinence from all good things in life! Had my mid-cycle scan today to check all my bits are in order. Good news was that all my bits are doing what they should. About to ovulate and no nasty bits found. Bad news is that apparently I don' t have a number of follicles. Could be age but also could be just one of those things. The doc said that some of us are just made that way. He said that as my cycles are really regular and not long/short/intermittent, it doesn't look too bad BUT that we're doing the right thing in getting on with treatment. Sometimes I think he's a bit of a good news guy - and doesn't like to give the harsh reality.
I'd been thinking of delaying longer to get our life a bit more sorted, but I think we'd better just get on with it! The doc was lovely and tells me that the eggs I do produce are good ones. I was sad that my chances of a multi-egg cycle with loads of gorgeous embies is extremely unlikely.
Never mind...there's so much good news going around, maybe some will land with us! The doc has just got a patient pg. Not unusual, but what was unusual was that her hubbie had prostate cancer and they'd had to rush to treatment with frozen sperm before his chemo. it worked for them and they've twins on the way!
I'm not sure i've much more news. Oh, it snowed here all day. It was GORGEOUS! I sat and watched for a long time and then just had to go out and play. I'm such a baby when it comes to snow - just gotta get out there and feel it on my face! Shows how little snow we get here.
My boy - i've realised he's been both My Darling Boy (MDB) and Darling Husband (DH) already during my blog. Need to find a name and stick to it. Anyway, that man (MDB/DH) is on my case to get some rest, so i'm going to stop tonight's ramble.
Many, many congrats to the girls with BFP's tonight. I can't imagine how good that must feel...amazing...but i hope to one day!
xxx
First Heather (Desperatelyseekingbaby) and now HopefulMother have reached the end goal. I'm so pleased for both of them and every piece of good news gives me a boost because it proves that this journey i'm on can end in success.
I'm in that weird twilight zone pre-cycle. Just starting to crank up the hours spent cruising the internet for information and success stories, leafing through the various self-help books and beginning the abstinence from all good things in life! Had my mid-cycle scan today to check all my bits are in order. Good news was that all my bits are doing what they should. About to ovulate and no nasty bits found. Bad news is that apparently I don' t have a number of follicles. Could be age but also could be just one of those things. The doc said that some of us are just made that way. He said that as my cycles are really regular and not long/short/intermittent, it doesn't look too bad BUT that we're doing the right thing in getting on with treatment. Sometimes I think he's a bit of a good news guy - and doesn't like to give the harsh reality.
I'd been thinking of delaying longer to get our life a bit more sorted, but I think we'd better just get on with it! The doc was lovely and tells me that the eggs I do produce are good ones. I was sad that my chances of a multi-egg cycle with loads of gorgeous embies is extremely unlikely.
Never mind...there's so much good news going around, maybe some will land with us! The doc has just got a patient pg. Not unusual, but what was unusual was that her hubbie had prostate cancer and they'd had to rush to treatment with frozen sperm before his chemo. it worked for them and they've twins on the way!
I'm not sure i've much more news. Oh, it snowed here all day. It was GORGEOUS! I sat and watched for a long time and then just had to go out and play. I'm such a baby when it comes to snow - just gotta get out there and feel it on my face! Shows how little snow we get here.
My boy - i've realised he's been both My Darling Boy (MDB) and Darling Husband (DH) already during my blog. Need to find a name and stick to it. Anyway, that man (MDB/DH) is on my case to get some rest, so i'm going to stop tonight's ramble.
Many, many congrats to the girls with BFP's tonight. I can't imagine how good that must feel...amazing...but i hope to one day!
xxx
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Just a quick one
I always say that, and then get carried away with my ramblings.
I forget to mention in my last post the lady of 67 (SIXTY SEVEN!!!!) who's just had twins. They reversed her menopause, fertilised donor eggs and sperm and implanted. IT TOOK!! And she has TWINS!! Apparently she lied to the clinic to persaude them to treat her. How MAD is that? Funnily enough, I don't feel sad or even angry about it, just pleased that even a 67 year old womb can hold onto embryos..suppose the sperm and eggs were super young though...
Also had to share that I have reached the countdown. AF arrived yesterday - been feeling unusually yucky with it all, but pleased to be (finally) on countdown. Rang the clinic who've given me w/c 19 March as my provisional retrieval/implantation week. Seems a long way off, but I know it'll fly. Injections will start on 20 Feb.
Rang to order my drugs and they're HALF THE PRICE of the last cycle. Half of me's worried that cheaper drugs surely can't do the trick, whilst the cheapskate in me is delighted! I still couldn't help a quick surf to see if i could pick them up any cheaper. Found a post giving a telephone number of a place that does them cheaper on a fertility site. Called, only to find it was the same company! They do different deals with different clnics. It's SO outrageous. Never mind. I'm back into the "whatever" frame of mind - just so long as it works.
On that front, i'm even more negative than last time! I'm now so much more aware of failures and almost resigned to our having to do this several times before it'll work. Not good, esp since DH has had some bad news on the work front and money's going to be a bit tight.
Never mind - we'll just carry on dealing with everything life can chuck at us in this first year of our marriage!
We're off to France for a long weekend tomorrow. Staying with newly engaged friends, which should be lovely. Lots of eating, laughing and the odd glass of soothing wine. Gotta enjoy something in this life.
I hate to admit that i dread any of my newly wed or about to be wed friends announding "good news". I have a few and I know someone's going to do it soon. They'll all be too scared to tell us. Not a lot else to say about that - just rambling.
Must sign off now. Want to finish off some work.
The vanilla ice cream was delicious. Only problem is that i'm not meant to eat ice cream - my acupuncturist says it's bad for my fertility!!!
When i'm pregnant, i'll make (and eat) ice cream every day.
xxx
I forget to mention in my last post the lady of 67 (SIXTY SEVEN!!!!) who's just had twins. They reversed her menopause, fertilised donor eggs and sperm and implanted. IT TOOK!! And she has TWINS!! Apparently she lied to the clinic to persaude them to treat her. How MAD is that? Funnily enough, I don't feel sad or even angry about it, just pleased that even a 67 year old womb can hold onto embryos..suppose the sperm and eggs were super young though...
Also had to share that I have reached the countdown. AF arrived yesterday - been feeling unusually yucky with it all, but pleased to be (finally) on countdown. Rang the clinic who've given me w/c 19 March as my provisional retrieval/implantation week. Seems a long way off, but I know it'll fly. Injections will start on 20 Feb.
Rang to order my drugs and they're HALF THE PRICE of the last cycle. Half of me's worried that cheaper drugs surely can't do the trick, whilst the cheapskate in me is delighted! I still couldn't help a quick surf to see if i could pick them up any cheaper. Found a post giving a telephone number of a place that does them cheaper on a fertility site. Called, only to find it was the same company! They do different deals with different clnics. It's SO outrageous. Never mind. I'm back into the "whatever" frame of mind - just so long as it works.
On that front, i'm even more negative than last time! I'm now so much more aware of failures and almost resigned to our having to do this several times before it'll work. Not good, esp since DH has had some bad news on the work front and money's going to be a bit tight.
Never mind - we'll just carry on dealing with everything life can chuck at us in this first year of our marriage!
We're off to France for a long weekend tomorrow. Staying with newly engaged friends, which should be lovely. Lots of eating, laughing and the odd glass of soothing wine. Gotta enjoy something in this life.
I hate to admit that i dread any of my newly wed or about to be wed friends announding "good news". I have a few and I know someone's going to do it soon. They'll all be too scared to tell us. Not a lot else to say about that - just rambling.
Must sign off now. Want to finish off some work.
The vanilla ice cream was delicious. Only problem is that i'm not meant to eat ice cream - my acupuncturist says it's bad for my fertility!!!
When i'm pregnant, i'll make (and eat) ice cream every day.
xxx
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