2 4 6 and 7dp3dt

The number of posts i have written to date and where i am in my 2WW.

Symptoms
Thought i'd update so i've some record of how things have been going.

I've had fairly bad cramps pretty much since transfer. Today's the first day it's not been quite so bad. I THINK that's when AF (still hating that term but too lazy to think of an alternative) tends to show up. It all goes quiet on the western front and then BOOM, in she charges giving me the fright of my life. (I'm still half hoping she won't show up, but do need to be careful with my optimism)

I can still feel the trembling shock of the discovery of AF's arrival during my 2.WW of each cycle. I go into shock which only really turns into full-on misery hours later. I'm now on high alert Kn.icker Watch now, expecting bad news every visit to the little girls' room. All my previous failures have ended around day 10 or 11, and they were without the glorious Gest.one, so who knows what will happen this time.

I'm fully on board the rollercoaster. Spent yesterday moping around West.field shopping centre because I was sure AF had arrived or was about to and today, as my boo.bs are making their presence felt (and why wouldn't they be after a week pumped up on proges.erone) i'm feeling in with a chance. They're not exactly tender but 'full' - perhaps TMI.

I went for a muddy walk with B and a friend and felt lightheaded walking up the hills. Won't be fooled by that one either, as i've had that every cycle no matter what. It was good to keep occupied though and really helped take my mind off things. Oh, and i've no tiredness, but then i'm not sure you would feel tired at this early stage anyway.

On Monday, a friend visited and took some lovely pix of my little boy, so here's a gratuitous shot of me and he, to break up all this text:
For the record he does have more than one sweater, but, as you can see, I really like this one and he'll grow out of it soon, so it gets a lot of wear!

Other stuff
I've been trying to eat healthily - good for me whichever way this goes - and have made some yummy meals this week. (If i say so myself)

I'm really into beetroot at the moment and served a roasted beetroot, yoghurt and dill salad with smoked haddock fish cakes last night. If beetroot wasn't such hard work i'd make it all the time.

Night before I ate a beef casserole (made in the slow cooker I got from Mr G for Xmas) which took me straight back to my mother's casseroles that we'd eat as children. It was just missing peas, which i love when they've cooked ages in a casserole to a dark olive squidginess. I've also made baked red cabbage and apple in the slow cooker which was also yummy. It really makes a difference to flavours.

Tonight i've 2 sea bass to cook and have yet to decide what to do with them. I want to try a new recipe using parsnips to so with them too. Just realised Mr G's out so might have to freeze the fish. I've some gingered chick peas - also done in slow cooker - which would go well with a baked potato. If you're not already asleep from my food filled ramblings, i'm done now! xx

Lucky i'm not (too) superstitious

After I saw 2 magpies (meant to be good news) before my 2nd IC.SI BFN, i've stopped believing in good or bad omens.

Lucky, as i've had two things happen this morning. Firstly, one of B's bottles had a crack in it which i didn't notice til it kept on leaking everywhere. Then, just now, as i was pouring boiling water into a mug, the mug cracked and hot water went flooding everywhere. Glad i wasn't holding the mug.

2 cracked vessels in a morning. Could get me worrying about something, but no point. What will be will be.

Enjoying my Gest.one again (not) and already sore on both sides. Did my own jab last night, which was not easy as it's near on impossible to pull the plunger out a bit to check for blood. Decided just to press on. Proud of myself for managing though. A big psychological hurdle passed. That needle is SO scary.

Feeling a bit distant from B as Mr G keeps taking him to give me a break. Better go and put my feet up for a short while.

x

Back on Gestone

I think my earlier post might be taken as the ramblings of a drugged up loon. I'm not sure quite what i meant as I think actually IV.F is all about survival and nothing more. Maybe it comes down to who can survive it intact.

I've heard from the clinic. A call at 16.30 to tell me to start on Gest.one : ( As i had not Gest.one knocking about (funnily enough) nor a prescription for some, I wondered how I was meant to do that. The helpful embryologist who called said she'd get a script ready and would hang around til i could get there.

Lucky we live close to the clinic. Many others would be drugless tonight.

It has, of course, sent me into a spiral of gloom. If my Progesterone is low that must be BAD news! She told me it hasn't fallen, it could just be higher. Hmmmmmm... They'll test again on Sunday.

Can you be 'good' at IV.F?

We've been discussing whether or not we'd go again. (If this cycle fails that is)

There's every possibility. Mr G said i was 'good' at IVF. That it suited me. He said I like a structure and a project, a bit of planning, research and organisation.

I think what he saw was my taking control. IF makes you lose control over your life. I've been used (as most of us are) to being in charge of my destiny - as far as you can be. Having it taken out of your hands is petrifying. Reclaiming control - through finding the best clinic, researching everything to the nth degree and speaking to everyone I could about it made me feel back on top of things again.

Nonetheless, it made me think. Can anyone be better or worse at this? Does it suit some more than others? Definitely the result is irrelevant to how able you are to cope with it.

Am still hanging out at home. Will take it a bit easy until the weekend's over. I figure that if this embryo wants to stick around it will have made its mind up by then. After that it's just a matter of taking care of myself.

I've discovered i'm a useless blogger. I was trying to see how I did last time and my blog entries are RUBBISH! I've no idea how i was feeling for much of the 2WW. For the first two cycles i recorded every niggle and cramp but i'd obviously got over all of that by then. If anyone was checking out my history for some clues of how it feels to be pg or of how i was coping it just isn't there!

For the record, i feel pretty normal. The odd lower back cramp but nothing else except stressy moments.

I do seem to be having a reaction to the Rito.drine - a drug to stop muscle spasm of the uterus. It makes me jittery and anxious - the last thing i need right now. I can stop if necessary and may well do if it doesn't improve. No mention of that in my record of last time. Also no mention of which steroids I was on last time. I'm sure they were different. Again, never mind. Doesn't make much difference. They've decided no IVI.g for me this time and no Ges.tone. That may change today when I get the results of this morning's Prog test. Of course, i'm worrying that i'm NOT on those now as they worked last time!

For now, i'll keep on drinking the water, lying low and chilling. Just got to take B for his jabs this afternoon. Poor little lamb's going to HATE it : (

deeper and deeper

Soooooooooooo, at 8.30am the clinic calls. The embryo has done its thing and divided into a lovely 8 cell-er. They want us to go in in 1 hr and 30 mins to have it transferred. It's pouring with snow (does it 'pour' with snow or is there some other verb?) so they say not to stress over timings. Get there when we can.

Eeeeek.

I simply wasn't imagining this would happen. The 50:50 chance of a successful thaw has gone our way. Not only that, but apparently the embryo is almost top class, just a little bit of fragmentation knocking it off the top spot.

Blimey.

I'm playing with Barney and grinning like a lunatic. I HATE this! It's the top of the rollercoaster. The bit where you smile, you laugh and all's groovy. I've been here before. We're in with a chance.

I'm so unprepared for this. I've done no 'prep'. No depriving myself from caffeine, no acupuncture course, no vitamins or other paraphernalia. This can't be IV.F. IV.F doesn't work like this.

On the way in, I called two local acupuncture clinics to see if it'd be worth doing a post-transfer session. Both said yes. One (the lady who did my treatment pre and post last time) said she'd squeeze me in for pre and post. Bingo.

And then we're there. Back in the room where Barney joined us. The head Doc shaking our hands. Almost 2 years to the day. (Barney was transferred on 14th Feb) Everyone was lovely, but how weird. I left with a huge list of drugs to start. The usual, Cle.xane, Cyclo.gest, Prednis.olone, Ritodr.ine and aspirin. No I.VI.g this time. At least that keeps the cost down a little.

Mr G's started looking forward but I can't, can't, can't imagine it working. This is dangerous. Like the first cycle when you know it's not likely to succeed, but when it doesn't, the disappointment hits you like a ton of bricks and shoves you over into a hopeless, black precipice. We all know of top class embryos that have hit the dust. Still, the stakes are so different, there's a little boy living with us now. It must surely hurt less.

Luckily we had a sitter booked for today. She's hanging on to help out with B today whilst I loll in my bed. Mr G's on high stress alert and wants me off my feet and not lifting as much as possible. Yeah right. I've now told a few close people what's going on, but only on a 'need to know' basis.

Heard from the embryologists

My hormones must've been fine. I took a call during Rock-a-bye (music class) to hear they were thawing our embryo right then. They'd call me back within the hour. I went back to chasing a toddler more interested in the radiators and buggies parked around the walls than in the lady at the front.

I took the second call whilst walking in our (frosty, freezing) local park with Barney, a local Mum friend and her little boy.

Our 4 cell embryo defrosted ok, but they want to hold off on transfer until they've seen if it continues splitting. We'll know tomorrow what the score is.

I had tears in my eyes when the embryologist told me the news. Darn. And there I was thinking i was pulling off the world's first emotionally detached cycle. They'll let us know tomorrow if it's lasted the night and if we're to go in for transfer.

Mr G said (and he's right) that this feels like we're testing the water for another fresh cycle. It does feel like i'm observing all the girls at the clinic going through their cycles. He seemed open to more fresh cycles. Am I? I think so, but part of me feels we should quit whilst we're ahead. We're a bit old for all of this.

I'm very aware of my age - even though I don't feel it especially. When they do your blood test they ask you your date of birth. I used to announce mine loud and proud, but this time I whisper it. I don't hear any other children of the 60's. The girls sitting beside me in the queue are all of 70's. Even those born in the early 70's are all pushing 40 and i'm well past that milestone.

Anyway, B's asleep and I need to have a lie down. Been going to bed too late and am feeling it. I've also got cooking lessons to plan. Wonder what tomorrow will bring for that microscopic ball of cells.

Happy New Year

BEFORE I START I SHOULD SAY THIS SECTIONS HAS POTENTIALLY HIGHLY OFFENSIVE TO IVF'ERS SO HOLD OFF ON READING IF YOU'RE FEELING SENSITIVE.

Gosh, it's been so long since i published a real, live blog entry, i'm feeling a bit strange about posting. I feel a bit outside the clique.

I've kept my eye on my ladies and even commented on a few. I'm still the IV.F guru to my nearest and dearest and. I'll always be infertile and IF will be a large part of my life.

I just don't feel I can get quite as comfortable in that world. Where once I could walk in heave off my shoes and have a good old vent about life with friends who shared my emotions, I don't feel I've liberty to moan about my wanting for a second child when there are countless others still waiting for one. How dare I?

But every time yet another of the girls in my NCT (childbirth) peer group announces their second pregnancy ("oh i really didn't think it would happen so soon!!!") it's a kick in the guts and it takes a few days to shake off the grey cloud that sits Linus-like, over me.

I don't feel connected with them - the fertile majority, discussing 'when' not 'if' they'll have their babies. Accidental pregnancies and 'first go' conceptions abound. I'm not one of them and I don't want to know about it. I'd be fine living in a little bubble of me, Mr G and B, as then I'd feel ok about my one, gorgeous adorable child. More than ok, blessed. Totally and utterly. I love him so very much. Here's a gratuitous pic


I didn't come online to moan though. I came online to report that we're finally close to finding out if that lonely embryo has any chance of making it further than the 2 days of existence it has reached. I've been visiting the clinic for the last few days for bloods and scans and they called today to say they MIGHT attempt a thaw tomorrow.

The solo embryo has travelled across town and is waiting patiently for its big moment. It has a 50:50 chance of defrosting and then a itty, bitty chance of making it to a real, live pregnancy. If it's not going to make it then i'd almost rather we don't get past the defrost. I'll be upset, certainly, but at least I won't spend a fortnight obsessing, injecting £'s and £'s worth of drugs and fantasising about a future little P.

I'm playing all of this down - to myself even. I keep reminding myself it's SO unlikely to work - but who am i kidding? Which IV.F cycle isn't followed by a huge emotional precipice from which you spend the next few weeks crawling out of? It's like a woman saying that she doesn't get emotionally involved after s*x. Yeah, right.

So, in the next few days we'll know the score and then Mr G and I can decide what next. Are we too old to try IV.F again? Do we have the stomach for it? Are we brave enough to try adoption? Who knows? If only it were as easy as the happy accidents that happen all around us. But then, perhaps we wouldn't appreciate what we've got as much as we do.

Not this time

We decided no to go ahead this month. I felt so sick for so long I think it affected my ovulation - that, or i'm just useless with the sticks.

I tested for a few days, didn't get a result, stopped. I thought i'd missed the surge so I went in for a blood test on day 18 and the clinic said it looked like i hadn't "surged". Eh? Weird as my cycle's never more than 27/28 days. They said test some more (Boo) and come back on Monday if you still haven't surged.

Surprise, surprise, no surge so i'll go in for another £30 blood draw to see what's what. Looking like i might need a H.RT (drug controlled) F.ET. I'm not sure i like it being called H.RT - makes me feel like a lady in meno.pause not one attempting to reproduce. Other bummer is that they're not likely to let me cycle in December, because although they work all hours, the Immune test clinic in the US doesn't so they couldn't get those tests done then. A pain, but not the end of the world.

I feel relaxed about all this now - for the obvious reason that i've a baby sleeping in the room next door. As time goes on i'll be less calm about timing - esp as 41 is fast approaching - and i might regret this farting about. Still, gotta do what's right now, and we don't have much choice anyway.

BTW - i'm delighted that two of my long term IF buddies have had recent BFP's. Makes me smile every time I think of how they must be feeling. It's the most wonderful time - like the lead up to Xmas. Even if I never get to experience that feeling again, i'm so, so grateful to have been there.

Mr G's currently at syn.agogue as tonight is the start of Yo.m K.ippur. We've a lot to thank G-d for - our prayers have truly been heard and answered and for that we're blessed. I'm fasting this year - last year I couldn't as I was pg with B. As i've been sick and am still coughing up gunk, i may allow myself water, but will try to do my best to honour the fast.

Oh, finally - how awful is that story in the US about the lady who's had to give up her baby to the couple who are his biological parents. She's grown that baby and given birth and now has to give it away. I read that she's not allowed to carry another pregnancy - couldn't find out why - so her last chance was wrecked by stupid idiots. How could they ever compensate her for that? Goodness only knows. My heart goes out to her. I know she already has children, but that can never be easy.

Treatment update

Second post of the day. On treatment. My scan on Thursday (mid-cycle) went fine. I've a follie on my R ovary ready to go. All bits still in place. I was told to start the pee.sticks to predict ovulation. I HATE doing those. It brings all the stuff back more than anything else. Last sticks I did were good news. Feels like a huge step back in time. Why can't this just happen? Why must we have to rely on all this flipping medical stuff.

I suppose, if we were younger, we might give it a year or so trying naturally, but then that's pretty stupid as our chances without ICSI are pretty well nil, so who'm i kidding?

The Dr at the clinic has said we can do this cycle as the F.ET if we like. Like now. Not next month. No build up. Next week.

Didn't see THAT coming. Now not sure what to do. In some ways, i'd like to get on with it without time to get nervous and hopeful, especially since it has such a low chance of success. In other ways, i feel that perhaps I should have done more prep, like like acu.puncture or eating well to be in good condition and should have arranged some help for the 2WW. But then, there might not even be a 2WW, and there I go getting all ahead of myself!

Final factor in the decision, and possibly the main one, is that if i'm feeling so sick, it's probably not the best idea to do this next week. If we don't do it this month, we'll probably have to wait until December, as we're off for a 2 week holiday (how exciting) to Is.rael in November. Can't wait. Might be best to chill out, enjoy the hols and round off the year by seeing if the frostie is in our future.

We need to decide in the next couple of days. I've a day to myself - well, a few hours whilst Mr G's out with B - and i'll try to take it easy. A bit of last night's Strictly (hurrah) and some chicken soup (that's gotta do the trick) and maybe a warm bath. Mmmmmm..... xx

Bleurch

I am feeling SO rubbish it's not true.

On Tuesday - day of the big talk (more on that later) I woke with a sore head. I thought it was down to the big glass of rose and half glass of champagne i'd sunk the night before, party animal that i am...not. I'd been out to a pub to meet some of my new local friends, and drunk quickly on an empty stomach. I took painkillers and got through my performance.

I felt more achey all day and had to stop for Nu.rofen during the afternoon when out returning winter coats (bought 4, took back 4, then bought 2, will take back one, hurray) whilst my Mum minded B. Woke up Tuesday feeling AWFUL. Temperature of more than 38 and aches, tiredness, plegmtastic etc Hasn't really improved over the week, but my temperature has come down a bit. I've got loads of stuff on my chest that i'm coughing up and my head's packed with so much gunk all i can hear is ringing. Have had no help with B until yesterday when my in-laws AND parents turned up to help.

Mr G is taking B to his folks to eat the New Year (Jewish) lunch that I was meant to eat with them. I'll stay here and rest and recover.

The talk went well. The ladies were all charming. Judith J.ones was a little stand offish, but she's also v deaf, so that may have been part of the reason. Here's a pic of me and them
I'm the one trying to get away with wearing a maternity dress because I didn't have much else to wear!
B was a star. The centre where I chaired the talk is a Jew.ish cultural centre and many of the folk had read our tale of IV.F. They were very keen to meet THE baby.

Will blog on treatment news in next entry. Thought it best to keep this short. xx

Julie & Julia

Got out to the cinema for the first time in MONTHS last night.

I'm interviewing a lady called J.udith Jones on Tuesday as part of the Ham and High Lit Fest - H&H being the paper i wrote for full time and now do part-time. My event is here

J.udith Jones was the publisher who first discovered Julia C.hilds. She' s now 80 something and still working hard. When I agreed to do the event I had no idea who she was. I'm now quite nervous but also excited. What an opportunity to network with some fantastic women!

Anyway, I thought I should see the movie before Tuesday and I'm so glad i did. It's fantastic. I enjoyed every minute and was so engrossed that I laughed, welled up, sighed, exclaimed etc throughout. I felt so much in common with both ladies, who were both as into their food as I am and who managed to make it their careers. Mr G said so much of it reminded him of me.

What I didn't know and what was touched on very lightly was that JC was infertile. She passed a pram early on and made a face, and later in the film, burst into floods of tears when her sister wrote to her to tell her she was pg. It made me cry. I so felt her pain with her. We've all been there and we'll all keep on going back there.

I realised i'm pretty emotional at the moment. Not sure if it's because we're heading into our journey to try for B's sibling or what really. All around me women are deciding when they're going to try for their second, like they just can - and they can. Some are already pg. It makes me so angry that we just can't do that. They take that luxury for granted. not even realising what a blessing that is. I know we have our blessing, but this time i'm not apologising for how I feel. This never goes away and will always cause Mr G and I pain. Obviously we do still have B and that makes a huge difference, but we're still not like all those carefree fertiles.

Anway - go see the movie if you haven't already. It's excellent. (Not sure if they're trying to make the point that if JC had had children she might not have written the book nor if i'm a little uncomfortable about that, but perhaps that's getting a little 'deep' about the whole thing)

This n that

First, a big shout out to my wonderful BeeCee who'd had fantastic news. I cannot begin to say how excited I am for her!

A few little changes in both my sides of the early stages of quest for B's sibling:

Frozen Cycle
Spoke to both clinics about moving my one solitary frostie from old clinic to new one. Various forms must be signed and transport arranged. I could pay someone called Costa £150 to move the embie across London or I could borrow a Transporter (which sounds a bit S.tar Tre.k) from new clinic and make the journey myself.

Or I could leave it there and have old clinic transfer the embryo. That would be the least trouble and cheapest option. New clinic's frozen cycle is about 1/2 the cost of their fresh cycle which in turn is double that of other clinics. The cost is likely to be the same as a whole fresh cycle elsewhere. As the chances of a safe defrost are only about 50% then i must be mad throwing our money away like that.

The big BUT is that new clinic did something that meant I have B. Maybe it was just the right egg/embryo but maybe it was their much longer and more careful transfer procedure - without scan, unlike every other clinic. If it fails - as is likely - then i'd rather it failed at new clinic where I know i've given it my best shot.

What do you think? Should I just get it defrosted and transferred and not spend too much on it? Throw everything at it as who knows if i'll be able to face IV.F again? Waderidoo?

Adoption
Met a girl at a local playgroup with two gorgeous little girls. One, mixed race and one white. Turns out they're adopted and are sisters - both with a Polish mother. They were living with different families - i don't know the detail just yet as I was also chasing B around and listening from afar - and she's adopted them and they're now reunited with her as their Mum. She had their snacks in the same green rucksack I use for baby snacks. I got it 'free' from the drug company to carry my Pu.regon. I knew she had to have an IV.F history but she'd obviously got her happy ending via adoption.

I struck up a chat with her over the rucksack and we're meeting up next week to talk about how she adopted her little girls. It didn't sound quite as grim as I expected so perhaps there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Monitored Cycle
Found out my stats for this month. FS.H was EIGHT! EIGHT! I haven't had a score in single figures since I was 37. LH, Oestradiol and Prolactin also all checked out in the normal range. I'm sure i've not had a fertility renaissance, but it was SO encouraging not to have gone through the fertile ceiling just yet.

I just know i'm going to be in turmoil over what to do. Mr G and I will have some soul searching to do over B's sibling and whether we're strong enough to weather more treatment or even the pressures of adoption.

Adoption sure ain't the easy route

Whilst we're going to use our frostie we're well aware of the miniscule chances of that working.


So, we're also looking at adoption - something we'd already decided we'd like to do to grow our family. I spoke to Norwood yesterday. They're the adoption agency we'd like to use and who we spoke to before IV.F 5 worked.

I've spoken to two social workers in the last couple of days. The first started by telling me they couldn't help us (full stop).

Good start.

She said that our local council don't have a contract with them (Norwood) for international adoption. I said we'd consider domestic now (unlike last time) so perhaps she COULD help us. A friend (who i don't know very, very well) had just arrived at my flat as I took the call so i said i would have to speak later. The (Anti)Social worker told me someone else would call the next day.

Next day a more social worker called. We had a more productive chat, but one which was perhaps even more frustrating. She told me that as a white, Je.wish couple we had zero chance of adopting a baby (young or old) in this country or adopting a smallish child without siblings. (Door slams in face)

She went on to say that international adoption (from Russia most likely) was our only real chance. (This is going to cost no less than £35-40,000!!!)

Despite the fact we are now 40 (41 in December) and 42, we are also too early to apply to adopt at all as B is too young!! He will need to be at least a year before they'll even talk to us. This is to give a big enough age difference between him and the adopted baby. THEY WON'T EVEN TALK TO US YET despite the fact there's less than two months til he's one!

Sooooooo - if we want to adopt a child that has no parents of his or her own, we'll need to wait until our mid 40's (as it'll take a couple of years once we start) AND spend a HUGE sum of money we don't really have.

It was a calm and civil chat - i understand the need for a decent age gap to give both children enough care - BUT WTF???!!! I said that they're pushing us toward IV.F again. It'll be cheaper and quicker than adoption.

Once i'd sat down and thought about it i realised the pros of going the adoption route (if we can afford it):

1. We could spend the same on IV.F (which we did last time - well a bit less) BUT not be guaranteed a healthy (or any) baby after all of that (Of course, if we were successful first time (ha ha) we'd spend a quarter of that
2. Although we'd have to wait, it's the equivalent of my getting pg much sooner. Even if I got pg tomorrow - which obviously won't happen - I wouldn't have a 12 or 14 month old baby until 21 to 23 months time - nearly two years. If we adopted we'd be in that place about the same time. If it took us two years of treatment I might be 42 nearly 43 by the time i managed even to conceive.
3. No gest.one injections
4. No injections!
5. We'd be giving a home to a baby who might otherwise grow up in an orphanage.

The con is the money and the fact that i'd dearly love to be pg again and bring up a baby from newborn BUT i know how lucky I was to do that once. I should be grateful i've done it at all and at least I have. (I know i'll still yearn to do it again, but that's not necessarily the route i'm meant to follow.

If you've stayed with my ramblings, well done! Apologies for this but it's actually helped to clarify things a little for me.

Must go - have supper to prepare and all B's food for tomorrow as Mr G is on duty. I'm off to work in the morning !!

xx
ps: Friend on bedrest is at home but cervix is shortening further. She's 27 weeks - i think - so i've everything crossed for her

:((

Not sure how best to express this one.

My friend doing her 'last chance' cycle at 41 got one egg. It wasn't even good enough to use.

Her husband was already on a flight from Holland to do his bit. She'll tell him when he lands that it's all over.

I'm gutted.

VIsited my friend in hospital who's now 26 weeks. Took her some home-made tabbouleh salad which she's been craving  She's in a hospital that equipped to try to save babies as tiny as 20 weeks. People transfer from other London hospitals because of this. She lost her twins at 23 and 24 weeks. The hospital she was in wouldn't even try and at the time she had no idea about this hospital. How must she feel?

She's in a ward of 4 beds. There have been a stream of women in to be induced so she's had to listen to a stream of ladies in labour. The nurse said they really try not to let that happen but there were no other beds. Lying there trying to hold onto your 6 month old pregnancy listening to others give birth. How must she feel?

The consultant told her she'd be in at least 2 more weeks and then most likely transfer to a hospital with a standard neo-natal unit. She's got to endure that torture that much longer. How must she feel?

I got home tonight and as I was crawling up the corridor on my hands and knees after a laughing baby thanked G-d for our blesssing.

Just a little something extra

Is it me or are there more and more people going through IVF?

Perhaps it's the snowball effect and as i've made no secret of my treatment, perhaps people feel they can share with me?

I've several friends going through cycles at the moment. My hairdresser is on her second cycle as she has endometriosis. She's one of those girls you feel is a dead cert. She's fallen pg in the past but can't now. She has 6 frozen from her first cycle. She's 34. I feel she'll be fine. (Hmmmmm - just read that and apologise. It was an ignorant thing to have written and I should know better. I hope things work out for her, but i'm well aware that you never know who'll succeed in this lottery.)

Another is from the relaxation group I joined through my first clinic. She's on her 5th or 6th cycle. She's 41 or 42 and her response is not great. She's doing a second go at my fab top London clinic. I've everything crossed for her.

The last one is an old school friend who lives in Holland. She has a 9 yr old but never managed a second baby. She did 3 rounds several yrs ago but couldn't face it any more. She feels on the edge of her fertile years and felt she had to try one last time. She's also at my clinic as she wanted to try them as their scores are so good and the hearsay so full of praise. We had lunch this week and I can feel from her whole being how much hope there is and how far she has to fall if this doesn't work for her. She's knows rationally that she's been blessed with one child, but biology says something different.

I hope they are all lucky.

I have another friend who lost twins at 23 and 24 weeks last year. They were conceived on her 2nd cycle. She had OHSS twice and has really suffered. She survived (just) and was brave enough to have one more cycle. She's now 25 weeks pg with another baby after her 3rd round of treatment BUT has been admitted to hospital as her c.ervix is again shortened. She'll be there at least 3 weeks as they try to get her little one to a size that they could even try to save him/her. It's SO unfair. I'm praying that this baby lives. I'm not sure how anyone would cope with that much upset.

Why do some people pop out babies as easily as peas from a pod and others endure so much? There's absolutely no sense to all of this. I'm blessed but already eyeing pg women with children & trying to avoid their company. I'm sorry if that's offensive to those still trying. I do know i'm one of the lucky ones - especially when i talk to my friends on the other side.

Pamela Carter RIP

A couple of years ago, Mr G and i 'adopted' an old couple.

I've told the story before of how we passed her (Pam) struggling on the street with heavy shopping attached to her wheely walking stick. It was a cold Boxing Day and just after we saw her, Mr G said we must help her. We turned around and offered to help her home. She was lovely. Very interesting and bright - i've since found out she was then in her late 70's. She and her husband lived in a nearby basement apartment and had no children.

At the time she felt like the ghost of Xmas future. I started taking her a newspaper in every other Saturday and have done so for the last couple of years. Two and a half to be exact. As she and her husband (George) were both heavy smokers, i have visited less often in the last 18 months but still tried to make sure we got that newspaper to them every other week. She's white, English born and bred and her husband is from Trinidad. As their marriage would have been unusual - to say the least - in the 1960's when they wed, they had become a little reclusive.

A few months ago Pam let on that she had terminal cancer. She never, ever complained and rarely admitted to being in pain. Her niece - who i've come to be very fond of too - worked hard to get Pam proper medical care and a few weeks ago Pam was admitted to a hospice. I was able to take Barney in to see her there and he brought a smile to her face.

On 7th August, 2 days after her 81st birthday, Pam passed away. I visited twice the day before. She was barely conscious but i touched her arm and told her that her niece would be there the next day to see her. (Her niece lives about an hour's drive from Lond.on) 5 minutes after her niece sat down and took Pam's hand, Pam let go and slipped away. She was in so much pain by then it was a blessing.

I felt sad, but it wasn't until her funeral last week that it really hit home. I watched George sitting in a wheel chair - he was admitted to a different hospital just after Pam was taken into the hospice with non life-threatening problems. He also has severe dementia and is struggling with her death. He only saw her once in the hospice. He was sobbing and unable to say anything other than "Pam was great" in his Caribbean twang. It broke my heart. Mr G and I were both in tears.

After the funeral we found out that Pam had left us each £1500. We were shocked. I'm still not sure how I feel about that. We "adopted" then purely because we liked them and wanted to help. If i'm honest there was an element of "there but for the grace of..." about our actions. My husband is a kinder and more charitable person than I am but I try to do my best with actions.

It's been an emotional month.

Nine months

B turned 9 months today. He's been longer out than in now.

In celebration of his anniversary here's a link to a website on which he's modeled a bear suit (don't he look too, too cute) and a little bit about him:

Weight - somewhere in the region of 19lbs I would think. He's on the 25th percentile - well, just below - so he's a little baby. As they don't measure height here i have no idea how tall he is. He seems pretty average.

Favourite thing to do - crawl up to the sofa, stand up and press the keys on my laptop or crawl over to the telephone, take it off the holder and press the buttons. Remote controls do it for him too.

Least favourite thing to do - lie still have have his nappy changed or have his face wiped- which elicits screams like he's being murdered.

Favourite toy - probably my mobile (cell) phone but as that's not generally on offer, his purple Lamaz.e elephant that plays tunes, in fact most things that play tunes go down pretty well.

Sleeps - not enough for my liking, but we're very slowly getting there. I'm not generally up several times a night any more (i just know i will be now i've typed that) so we're still not an overnight kinda baby. Naps are sporadic. I think perhaps had i tried harder to follow a specific routine things might be easier. And then perhaps they wouldn't be....

He's a happy, sociable and smiley baby. He loves being around other kids and really engages people around us. He's been crawling for a couple of months and people told us he'd be walking by 9 months. He's not, thank goodness, but he's all round our home and in everything. Never a dull moment and he's always up for a laugh. If we're laughing he'll start too. Sometimes, if he falls asleep on me - only really when he's sick now - he laughs as he's dropping off. I always wonder what the joke is.



IF news - can't do monitored cycle until i've had a couple of normal periods. I've only had one since i stopped feeding B. I'm in no rush. B keeps me busy and if he's all we have i'll still feel blessed. As Mr G and I aren't working so have zero income, just savings to keep us at the moment, perhaps financially we shouldn't even try.

Still doing more thinking than acting on my new blog. You'll be the first to hear when I finally get something sorted.

Off to get some supper and try to catch up on another episode of Brothers and Sisters. I love that programme. I'm so far behind, the ads are all for Xmas stuff. Kitty and gorgeous Rob Lowe (drool, drool) have just found out they'll be able to adopt a baby. I've found a lot of their story lines very emotional. (I need to get out more) I've also noticed that i've missed the last 4 episodes of the series as our S.ky box failed to record. Does anyone know if this is out on DVD yet?

Have a good weekend xx

Torn

I'm torn.

I want to continue sharing my (unexciting) world but am finding it difficult to blog. This blog wasn't created to write baby stuff, it was to off load my IF thoughts and emotions and communicate with others in the same boat. I'm still infertile, but as I've been so darned lucky as to have been have my prayers answered I feel like the day-to-day stuff is not really blog-able. I don't want to upset those still on their journey.

For some time i've thought I should stop moaning on about my issues over this and should set up a new blog which will detail my daily stuff and, in particular, the foodie side of life - which i'm itching to offload since i lost my column. I'm going to make that a priority and create a second blog. I'll post a link to that one in due course.

I'll keep this one about IF, IVF and that side of myself, which is still very much in existence.

On that subject, we went back to our clinic yesterday. We've been discussing 'what next' for some time. As i'm now 40, i'm constantly being asked what will we do about a second baby - 'you've not much time to waste'. I'm grateful for my one but I know that if we don't try for a second I may regret that in the future. We've one frostie at our first clinic from our very first cycle. The odds of that coming to anything are MINISCULE. Our chances of a fresh cycle working were about 1%, 5% at most. Problem is, there's a little bit of me and Mr G waiting for us. We can't destroy it - it could be our baby. Most likely it will come to nothing, but Mr G and I feel we have no choice.

So, yesterday we took B to the clinic for our follow up appointment. It was very odd arriving there with B. I felt SO uncomfortable sitting there with him. We could've found a sitter, but he's not well and we also don't really want to go public about our plans. Too much pressure. I could see those mid-cycle glancing or avoiding glancing at B as he chattered away in his buggy. I kept saying to Mr G that i'd wait outside but he told me to stop being oversensitive.

We were seen by someone we'd never met before who'd clearly never read our file. For £100 we learned nothing more than we knew already. We'll have to do a monitored cycle and then can do a frozen cycle for about half what it cost to do a fresh one there. Not worth doing a fresh one in case we end up with more embryos. The monitored cycle will tell if my FS.H has shot through the fertility roof making fresh cycles pointless anyway. The stupid Dr who'd not read the file said if my FS,H was more than 10 then we'd be best not to do a cycle. I pointed out that B was a result of a cycle done with FS.H of 10.4 or 10.6. (That makes me angry that she'd not checked up anything at all)

So, next month, a monitored cycle.

I popped into the office as i saw one of the original nurses there. She was really pleased to see me and B. She said it was nice seeing me (and girls like me) back to normal as she only sees people at the height of their stress. I went to the bathroom there (tmi but bear with me) which was where they used to do my proge.sterone injections if Mr G was away. I sat there and my heart sank. Can i do this again? Can I face the injections? Reality bit.

We also sent to shake the hand of Mr T - head honcho there. He was all smiles and talk of siblings. (Portia P raises eyebrows and looks doubtful) We told him he'd changed our lives. It's true.

I need to pop back to read what's going on for you all. I've a dinner for 70 to cook for Friday - which i'm doing for free as it's a charitable cause - so it'll most likely be at the weekend when things have calmed down. B has croup too - which is not terribly pleasant for any of us as he's pretty sick and sleeping badly. I'm exhausted but apologise for moaning. I know it's too irritating to hear moans from those that have.

Time to earn a living

I need to go and turn on the oven, wash bottles, get some washing on, change my clothes etc etc so i'll keep this short.

Just after we got back from Portugal, i found out i'd been ousted from my restaurant review column. Some weirdy, beardy (hope none of you has excessive facial hair) author who i'd interviewed 3 yrs ago when i kicked off the column has managed to get in there whilst i've been on maternity leave, and has stolen my gig. I suppose that's what happens when you go off to have a baby, but i'm mighty p'd off. He doesn't know anything about food and that really, really winds me up. He's just in it for the free meals and booze and to satisfy his big, fat ego! He writes far too many words all about himself really.

The Editor made the decision without even telling the Features Ed. As far as I knew, i was going back and had already written 3 pieces for them. They'd even given me a date to file again!!! I suppose I should check out my rights but as a freelancer, it's not great to rock the boat I suppose. I'm SO mad though!

As it happens, it would be hard to go back to it. It's impossible eating with B - who spends all the time trying to be anywhere but sitting quietly. I also can't afford childcare to spend time writing as it doesn't pay enough. I could have done it in my evenings, but they're so short as I'm always running around getting ready for bed as i know B will be up in the early hours...Perhaps i'll try to go back to writing in the future...

Sooooo, as I need to earn a few quid, i'm going to try hosting a P.ampered Che.f party. If it goes well and if I like it then i'm thinking of selling it. I can also offer my cooking skills on the side and sell lessons and/or catering. It's new to me although lots of my mates have bought PC stuff. I know it's more established in the US - what do you girls know about it?

I've my first party on Monday.

Really must go and do some chores now. I was out with some girlfriends drinking last night - it was great to be back in the real world for a bit - and i'm paying for it today. I wouldn't change my life for all the tea in China - or even all the chocolate in the Green & Black's factory - but sometimes it's nice to get out for some "me" time.

Many congrats to lovely Meredith on her new arrival.

I'm also really happy to report that my friend who lost her 23 and 24 week old twins last year (this month in fact) is pg (16 weeks) with a singleton. I'm so, so happy for her and have everything crossed. (She had IVF3 to get there)

Its been too, too long since I posted properly. I've had the odd whinge and moan and a few show-off pics of my little boy but no real meaty stuff.

I think it's time for an update. Barney turned 7 months on 1st June. 7 months!! Amazing and I'm still pinching myself every day and night.

He's crawling, and has been for a couple of weeks or more. He was going backwards, but now can get where he wants to, which is pretty scary as we're not nearly as child proof as we should be. By all accounts he's a bit young for such mobility but as he's quite small and light as well as pretty strong, there's just no stopping him.
(Since i wrote this, he has progressed to pulling himself up on his knees and sometimes even onto his feet. He's so strong. I think the reason he's so busy is that he's so inquisitive. He just has to find out what the sticker on the wall feels like or what Mummy's computer tastes like. Today he wriggled out of the booster seat he was strapped into in a cafe that refused to let us in with the buggy, so he could stare and grin at a cute lady eating her breakfast at the table behind us!)
Here he is trying to crawl onto a table on holiday

He's also babbling - ba-ba, da-da, ga-ga - and making burbling noises.

The overnight sleep still eludes him (and us) and every time we try to get tough and leave him to cry, he pulls off a cold or (this week) a tooth (first tooth!!) so we bottle out of it and go to him at night. The tooth is so cute. A tiny tip of pearly white which has produced much unhappiness as it cut through his gums. (Make that two. The second one came through a few days later and is just as cute. Not so cute when he bit my boob when he was feeding though.

He's eating three meals a day (bless) and nothing has made me so happy as when he ate a whole pot of my chicken and apricot casserole.
It felt like the hugest success ever. He has good and bad meals - perhaps the teething pains - but is also not much of a milk drinker. I have to really work at it. I'm still breast feeding, but very few times a day as he's far more interested in the world around him than staring at my chest (unlike his father) so it's impossible to get him to BF by day. (We're now nearly done with BF-ing. I've been cutting down and this week, he's barely interested in feeding from me as he has a terrible cold and it's too much trouble. I'm really down about it. I think it's the cocktail of hormones receding finally but it's making me so sad.

I know i'm darned lucky to have (a) had him and (b) got to BF at all but i'm unlikely to have any more babies - there, i've said it. At 40 and a 1/2 with 5 IVF's under my belt to have Barney, i do need to be realistic about my chances of managing a second success. This will be my only chance to do this and i'm not ready to stop. Not sure i ever will be. Still, this is about him and he's doing ok on the bottle, so that's that really.

On the whole issue of a second child, i'm starting to turn my head to the issue. Do we try again? Can we afford to? Do we try to adopt - which was always going to be our plan. Also an issue of money - not only to pay for inter-country adoption (as we'd be lucky to find a baby in the UK) but to move so we have room for more of us. We're squeezed in as it is. We're not in great shape financially - well, we are ok but there's not a lot coming in at the minute. It's no time to spend huge money.

I'm thinking we might pop back to wonder clinic to see if they'd even let me try again or if they think we could try to use our frosty. It's not like I can give it a year or so and see what happens. We'll never get the surprise miracle that p's me off when others recount tales of x and y who adopted/had ivf success/gave up and "amazingly discovered y was pg!!!" Severe M factor don't work that way. We've just graduated from simple infertility only to have to redo the year again.

I hoped i'd never feel like this. When I got so lucky I thought i'd be grateful with my lot. A part of me worries i've had all my luck to have a healthy child (please G-d) at close to 40. Am i tempting fate in trying again at perhaps 41? Who knows?

He's the sunniest smiliest baby and engages people wherever we go. I'm sure everyone feels this way about their little ones.

I think this post is long enough. I'll post again with an update of where i am professionally - short preview is "nowhere".

xx