We're having a really lazy Sunday. It's pouring with rain and grey outside and so far (at 2.30 in the afternoon) i've been nowhere!

Yesterday I worked and last night we went to friends for dinner. They were 2 couples with children ranging from 2 to 9. They talked about them but not in a way that made me feel awkward. They were asking lots about our column. I was worried what they think about us being so public about our problems.

We really relaxed, with good food, wine and lovely company. It's so nice to be just living again.

Our appointment with the doc went ok. I was really grumpy afterwards. Not sure why. He said he thought we should try indections for the down reg next time and meno-pur instead of gonal f for the stim. He wasn't happy with my stim bit. He said it was really hard to get my eggs out. He thinks maybe the eggs weren't the best and that next time, the different drugs may help. He wants to wait for two more bleeds - TWO MORE bleeds! He thinks it'll take that long for my body to recover. He said that the eggs I produce during a cycle have been growing for 3 months, so I need the time to recuperate properly. He's still positive about our prospects.

He said to go away and do something totally different. If we want to go ahead in late Jan then we should get back in touch with him. No pressure at all and v much leaving it up to us to choose the times. He's a lovely, lovely man and we both really trust him. He thinks we should keep the frozen embryo on reserve. We have time to use it in the future. As the first two didn't take, it may not be a great one.

I asked about why he goes for a three day and not five day transfer, and he said it's a matter of opinion. He thinks you lose more that way and won't necesssarily get a better chance of pregnancy.

I'd like to have tried again sooner, but i'll wait if that's what he thinks is best. I do trust him.

I'm ovulating at the moment. Makes me a bit grumpy when I think what a waste of yet another egg. Still, i'm doing my best to think of other stuff. My birthday next week, Christmas, work stuff. All takes my mind off the big issue. I'm going to enjoy the next few weeks and make the most of my first married christmas!

xxx

Looking forward

Looking forward to having another plan of action when we see the Doc tomorrow.

It's a weird time between treatments. With no sniffing, jabbing or other charming stuff, i've got my life back but it's not really my own. I'm not thinking about IVF every five minutes and I'm determined not to be ruled byit, but I can't make too many plans as I just don't know when I'll be back on treatment treadmill.

Example - i'm looking forward to our cosy Christmas cottage and was thinking about ordering a mixed case of wine to take with us. We can eat and drink really special food and wine. Really treat ourselves and relax. BUT - and it's a big BUT - what if i'm back on the drugs? No wine and lots of tears.... It's all so uncertain. I suppose I could decide we'll take Christmas off and then get back to it in the new year. That might make sense...but would I want to postphone?

Anyway, as my body's showing no signs of being anywhere near back to normal, we're not likely to be having any treatment in the next few weeks. An IVF friend had said to me that she freaked out after her first cycle when her period failed to show for a while. She was convinced that her failing supply of eggs had all been used up! They hadn't. It crosses your mind...

We're going to get on the waiting list for another clinic. They have the best results in the UK and are on our doorstep. Even if we use up our frosticle at our current clinic, we'll probably go to the new one for the next round. Mad not to.

Nothing much else to report. It's cold, grey and rainy and i'm working tonight - 2 nights running...yuck! My car is playing up - replaced a tyre (at huge expense last week) and last night, the warning light went on again!! HOW frustrating! Had to spend time taking it to be checked again! Just not having loads of luck at the moment.

Feeling v tired too today - think i might have a cold coming. With that and the excsema (still struggling with the spelling) I think i might just be a teeny bit run down. Might skip my morning exercise run/walk tomorrow...very daring! I'm working in the morning anyway, so not much time to exercise.

xx

Looking forward

Just booked a cottage for Christmas. We're going to spend a week in the middle of nowhere, just being. I can't wait. We'll take lots of lovely food and drink and really relax.

I've felt more positive today again. Enjoyed some lovely food and wine with my folks on Saturday night. Caught up on some sleep on Sat night too. Got some work done today and am really looking forward to Thursday's appointment. Lots to feel good about.

Wonder when my body's going to get back to normal. I should be about halfway through my cycle - post 1st ICSI - but there's no sign of ovulation. I'll ask our Dr.

Loved the idea (on Hopeful Mother blog) of the Dr kicking the wall when treatments don't work. I LOVE that they care!

Not too much to post really as little has changed for us. Just more healing and a return to that nice hope filled state.

RIght, time to get down from my desk and watch some relaxing tv.

xx

Spoke too soon...

...as i'm feeling a bit empty tonight. Feel like this week's been a bit wasted really.

I'm not pg and i'm getting nowhere with work. Spent the last two weeks - since failure of cycle - messing about. Today did NO work at all! Met friend who's had 2 failed cycles but who has 2 blasts in the freezer. She's waiting until New Year to try again as she's flying a long way over Xmas hols. Her first go was successful, but she miscarried at 9 weeks. Found out it was a chromosomal problem (had to try to type that 3 times!) so not viable anyway. At least she knows this works and she can get pg, although it was really hard for her.

After seeing friend, did some shopping - pressies for family - and then food for tomorrow's class. Then met younger sis - 17 yrs old - and talked about all of this some more. We hadn't spoken about it yet. So weird - getting pg is the worst thing in the world she can think of happening to her and about the best thing I can think of happening to me! We're at opposite ends of the reproduction cycle in terms of age.

Home this evening - pouring rain outside. DH snoring in front of tv, me feeling just a bit alone. Also have ecsema (how do you spell that?) all over hands which is itchtastic and driving me CRAZY!!!

Time to sleep. Gotta be bright and bubbly tomorrow morning...xxx

useful info

Not much to report at the moment. I'm levelling out a bit.

Watched the new programme presented by Robert Winston about IVF last night. It was about PGD. 2 couples had already had babies with terrible diseases or disabilities and were trying to screen their embryos to avoid it happening again. A third couple had 4 boys and wanted a girl. MADE ME WANT TO SCREAM!!!! How can they do that?! They have 4 healthy children and would have discarded male embryos they made during IVF. It was SO WRONG!!! I totally understood and sympathised with the first two couples.

Only one couple was successful. A couple who had a healthy boy, but who carried a terrible syndrome (Goucher's syndrome?) that had killed their first baby. They had a healthy boy. A couple with a profoundly disabled girl weren't lucky. It was heart wrenching and so unfair, as they seemed to be really good parents and couldn't afford to try again. The 2WW was really hard to watch and made me cry a little for them. Left me a little sad. The sex selection couple weren't lucky, but were rich enough to try again - WRONG,WRONG,WRONG!!!!

I joined an infertility group today. I only did it so i could lurk on their notice boards. It's £20 a year to be a member, so no big spend - cheap compared to our total outlay so far! Anyway, it turns out that you're entitled, as a member, to call up their nurse - a qualified fertility nurse up to speed with all the latest. She's there three days a week! How good is that?! Will definitely call them up.

We've also had an offer (from someone who reads our newspaper column - not sure i've mentioned that one so far) to speak to them about the clinic we're at. This man and his wife were treated there and have a 2 and a half year old boy now. we're going to call him at the weekend.

Feeling quite positive today. Off - into the cold, grey, already darkening afternoon - to work now. Yuck. Still, gets me out the house and stops me obsessing over this stuff. xx

Turning off the tears

It's no wonder they tell you to drink loads of water during the treatment...you end up crying most of it out! I must have wept almost every day since last tuesday. A WEEK of waterworks.

Well...enough, already!!

I may be full of hormones still, but it's time to get positive and get back my life.

I've started exercising every day again. I've walked (and jogged a little) the last three mornings and am trying to cut back on the sugary comfort foods that helped me through the last few weeks. I think the effect is gradual. Yesterday was a bad one, punctuated with teary outbursts, but today i'm feeling SO much more positive!

I'm not giving up on the idea of this treatment working, but i'm trying to see the positive aspects to life without children. Lazy weekend mornings, money to spend on holidays etc, freedom to do whatever we like. Fewer pressures on MDB and I. If I can see the bright side on both sides of the family fence then maybe i'll be more relaxed.

Am I kidding myself? Who knows? But if it makes me feel better then it's got to be ok. Only thing is that I then worry that I might not want babies enough! Must I be DESPERATE if i'm going to deserve the gift of children.

I think I may be starting to sound a bit mad and rambley so i'll leave that thread.

My fledgling cookery teaching business also needs my time. My energies can be put to good use. I truly love what I do at the moment and that's got to be good for me.

MDB and I are also as good and strong as we can be. If we're being tested then we're holding up all right. I'm v lucky to have such a wonderful man to share my life with WHATEVER happens to us.

I'll concentrate on my blessings and on the other aspects of my life at least until we see our Dr next.

Just a quick one

Am so tired. I think all this grieving has really taken it out of me. That, and the fact that I ran a teambuilding workshop for 15 people today. We cooked a 3 course meal plus bread and i'm absolutely exhausted. I shopped for it yesterday and tested all my recipes and was on my feet all day today, controlling 15 very noisy and exuberant Starbucks marketeers. They were like children - not that I'D know!!

It so was hard to get up and be happy smiley girl, but it got me through the day and that's what counts at the moment. I HATE waking each day with that lump in my chest - the really down feeling. I know it'll pass though and keeping busy keeps me sane. I'm teaching another class in the morning, so right now - aching all over - it's time to get some rest.

It's also time to get myself back in shape - too much weight gained during the cycle and my jeans are tight. Definitely time to get fit for round two!

Night, night xx

Grey day

Woke up in the early hours. MDB gets up at 5 to go to work and I couldn't tell if he was there or not. Put an arm out and was glad to feel he was. Remembered what happened yesterday and my heart sank...MDB held me for a bit but had to go. I lay there trying to sleep for an hour, but everything kept running through my mind and at 6am, I got up and made myself a cup of tea and used the HPT MDB brought home yesterday. First time i've ever used one! It was, not surprisingly negative, but just underlines that this run is over.

Went to work at my desk and immersed myself in that for a couple of hours until my Mum rang me at 8. Shed a few tears and got some mummy love. She thinks i've been really brave. I'm not so sure. It's more a matter of just keeping going. MDB is my rock - couldn't do this without him - in more ways than one!

It was such a grey day. I txtd my close friends to update them so I don't get a raft of msgs on Friday asking for the score. Got back a heap of gorgeous msgs. What is life without your girlyfriends?! MDB's mum rang to see how I was and was SO sweet.

Went to visit a friend in a nearby hospital. She's been really down, so I picked up Starbucks - my first in WEEKS - a muffin and a copy of Heat (great gossip mag for those overseas) and sat with her. Left her feeling a whole lot better.

MDB was home from work - he presents a morning show - by the time I got home, but was asleep. Felt secure just knowing he was home. Worked all afternoon with intermittent phone calls from my gorgeous mates.

One friend (a v close one) is due to have her baby in 2 weeks and is really conscious that i might be feeling it. I don't really, but am just a bit raw today and probably for a few days. I'll be v happy for her when her little one (her third) arrives. Just as i'm over the moon for Heather - HOW great is that?! - one step closer to Desperately finding baby!

I made another appt with our Dr. We'll sit down with him and discuss what next in 2 weeks time. He'll want us to wait at least 2 periods before starting again. At least i'm well into the first!

So, i'll live, but will go into the next one with a little bit more trepidation.

xx

being strong

Just to update my earlier entry.

After hearing of my heavy blood loss, my consultant has confirmed that this little adventure is officiallly over. Confusingly - why must they f**k with my head - the nurses told MDB (when he called to ask them what to do) that I should up the progesterone and test on Friday anyway. Sounds like a recipe for more tears to me, but at this stage, what do I have to lose?!

I'm off to work tonight - to take my mind off this. I could cry for a week, but that won't get me anywhere. I'll pretend to be ok tonight at work - where they don't know about all of this - and maybe i'll feel ok too.

I'll have a few glasses of wine and some great big lattes and then get right back on the babymaking wagon.

Best of luck to all of you still waiting - esp Heather, whose lack of entry so far today is driving me crazy! Hope she's ok.

Game over

Perhaps TMI but i'm distraught to report that the spotting has turned to gushing.

MDB had read that you can bleed and still be pregnant (bless him) and is hopeful, but I know there can't be anything left up there! I have cramps and lower back pain too. Sad end to this attempt.

I've been scared to go to the bathroom - it just gets worse and worse - and come out each time bawling. I wish there was some way of putting it right. All that effort and emotion invested to get to this point - it's SO unfair!

I know we'll try again, but who knows how do people do this time after time. The emotional rollercoaster is horrendous.

Those 2 perfect embryos clearly didn't want to stick around. I wish I knew why! Until now we've had answers to everything. This is the first mystery in our infertility. Just out of luck, I suppose.

Anyway, I need to go and get a hug from MDB - who has come home to see me - and to get on with some work to take my mind of my misery. I'll recover, but am feeling low, low, low.

ps: Still rooting for you Heather xxx

oh dear...

...i have something new to be worry about. As if cramping and the stitch pain isn't enough to keep me up at night (when I should be sleeping and helping those embryos attach and grow) now i've started spotting.

Twice today, brown stains have set my heart racing. I felt a bit shocked, but not like it was all over. The clinic say not to worry, and many others seem to have had the same, but I really, really don't like it. I've been calmer than i'd've thought i'd be but then it's not full on bleeding...yet. PLEASE PLEASE don't let it be the onset of a period. What a miserable end to this adventure that would be.

I had an appointment with my acupunturist today too. She held my hand, passed me tissues and reassured me. She's SUCH a lovely person. She's going to get some chinese herbs in that stop miscarriage. I know that won't make a difference to whether or not my embryos are thriving or not at this stage, but she wants them in, just in case...

I was going to go out with friends tonight, but they've cancelled and i'm pleased. I'd rather be at home. MDB has cancelled his plans too. I said he doesn't need to, but he wants to be with me. It feels very lovely - if a little weird - to have someone equally concerned about my welfare as me. That may sound weird. Perhaps it's a newly wed thing.

As ever, my fingers are well and truly crossed xx

IVF Day 45; 2WW Day 9/-5!

I haven't had the energy to post for the last few days.

Wednesday ended with me in tears all evening, feeling friendless, lonely and generally sorry for myself. I know i'm not and MDB is WONDERFUL, but i'd hit a BIG dip in the hormone rollercoaste and there is no logic to your moods on that ride.

Think i'd been working too much at home alone, so I kept myself busy for the next few days. Thursday morning I had a meeting to plan a teambuilding exercise i'm running next week and in the afternoon I planned a lesson for that evening. Felt level headed. Worried by 2 road rage incidents that had my adrenalin running. I'm trying SO hard to keep calm, but i obviously need to be kept at home to stay calm - and then i end up miserable!

Friday I went out to breakfast and to buy gifts for a party we have to go to on Saturday night. Felt really, really nauseous. I'm sure it's to do with my guts as they are so all over the place, but you can't help feeling a bit hopeful....

I went to visit a friend in hospital - at least I got to put my feet up whlst I was there. MDB had tickest to a screening of the new Bond film and I was ready to go, but felt v tired and was concerned at not being able to do my (most favourite) progesterone pessary on time. We decided to skip it - too many people and cold night too - and went for a local Thai meal.

Still cramping, but not so badly, and the nausea comes and goes. This really is unbearable! Saturday night, we had to go to a big family party. I SO didn't want to go. I just feel so bloated that I didnt' want to put on a sexy black dress and heels. I knew loads of people would be aware of our troubles - our fault for being so open - and I just wasn't up to being talked to, or talked about. Really didn't enjoy it very much - i'm sure standing in heels and being cold wasn't good for me - and feel even more crampy and tired today. The cramping and backache is v much like my normal pre period stuff....PLEASE don' t let if be that!

Sorry for the length of this entry. I must write up my stuff more often, so I don't have to write pages of update!

Anyway, no bleeding yet so still hopeful. Who knows why I feel so crampy. Will try to take it easy tonight xx