Always gets me...

RIght after a failed cycle I feel fine. Even optimistic. Right after that I crash and burn.

My delay in posting has been partly due to more work than i've had in a while but largely down to my feeling totally and utterly low.

Three times. Three times i've climbed up the ladder of hope and three times i've crashed off it. I never ever thought i'd still be infertile after three goes at IVF.

This wasn't meant to happen.

We went into this thinking I was in great (reproductive) health. The only bar to our conceiving were the poor sad tails on Mr G's sper.m. All we had to do was propel them to my eggs and we'd have ourselves a baby.

Turns out it's not that simple. Turns out I was right to worry about my ticking biological clock. Turns out that despite my clear as a bell tubes, smugly sparkling uter.us and regular cycles my reproductive abilities ain't all they're cracked up to be. My shrunken ovaries have had the last laugh and (it seems) are pushing out less than useful eggs. Why else am I not able to retain even one of the six embryos Dr Big Hair has returned to my (not so) safe care?

Three was meant to be the magic number. For your first three tries you've a one in three chance of success. After that your odds are much reduced. How are we ever going to get us that baby?

I feel like a lead weight has landed somewhere just below my throat. There's a great big lump there that sometimes makes me sob and at other times just sits there. As i'm busy with work I can forget about the lump for minutes at a time but each time I remember i get a sinking feeling. It's similar to how I felt when Daddy died. I'm grieving and Mr G can't make it better because he's grieving too.

What did we do to be in this place? Did we do something wrong or treat someone badly? Are we bad people? Why are we the one in six or whatever statistic it is for infertile couples? Why are any of us stuck in in.fertile limbo here?

Even the sun - which is now shining after weeks of rain - can't shake me out of this place. I suppose it's just about timing.

I'm sorry for that long vent. I just needed to share where I am.

It hasn't all been misery. The wedding we went to at the weekend was really lovely. Beautiful bride, lovely setting, totally romantic. I drank champa.gne and w.ine and had a truly excellent evening. Mr G said it was like his wife was back. The alcohol numbed the pain and made me smile. I danced all night and hugged my darling boy. If it wasn't for the come down the next day, i'd consider taking up alcohol full time. As well as the alcohol, I drank coffee, ate ice cream and generally did all the stuff that has been banned for the last few months. On the Saturday, we had home made eclairs for tea at this hotel
Apart from my grey state there's no other news. Oh - we've an appointment with Big Hair for our follow up on Thursday and we've an appointment at the N.HS hospital for our free cycle. I'm not sure what tests they'll want to do but it may be that our next cycle is the free one! Question is...are we flogging a dead horse? Am I ever going to produce eggs that make babies? I've got to believe I can or I might as well curl up in my bed and stay there.

Sorry for the length of this post - well done if you made it this far.

Love and hugs for my girls who didn't get their BFP's this time. You'll get there girls. Hang on in there with me. Thank you so much for all of you who are and have been out there for me.

xx

Thank you

To all you ladies who've sent me virtual hugs, cake and sympathy - thank you. I really appreciate having you all there.

After a teary Wednesday, i'm actually ok today. I've been madly busy with work this week and had quite a few interesting new jobs come in. I'm feeling really excited about that side of my life. Weird that as one door closes (well, revolves once more really as it's not shut just yet) another opens. Perhaps we're just not allowed to have all parts of our life go well...

I had lunch with the editor of the newspaper I write for and he's pleased with my reviews, a new client has booked three lessons next week, i've been asked to manage another caterer's job next week too and i've also been asked to host a food book launch in October. All of this in a week!

I spoke to Big Hair (our Doc) yesterday. I'd texted him our news and he hadn't replied which was odd. I e mailed and he immediately responded and told me he'd fallen on his phone and had broken it so missed my message. He was disappointed as he'd felt I had a good cycle this time. He said that when you've a low ov.arian reserve (as I do) it can take a few goes to find the embryo that will stick. He made me feel like we can do this. Mr G and I are STILL IN THE GAME.

I've started the DHEA - no effects as yet - and am off to a wedding this weekend where I will mostly be drinking, dancing and having fun with my gorgeous husband. We've done too little of that lately. On Monday i'm going to go back to my healthy regime so next cycle's eggs have had a good run up and not a last minute desperate health kick as i did last time.

Please visit Meredith at Someone Please Knock Me Up - her negative beta is a real blow. Give her a hug.

See you after the weekend - good luck to those still in waiting xx

Sad

I'm so so so very sad.

AF (hate the term but it works in this case) has joined me in all her glory, that fat bird is warbling like a canary and I feel CRAP.

No kidding myself any more that those embryos are doing anything at all. Maybe they just don't like me.

At least i'll get some better nights sleep now. Haven't really slept well all 2WW. Be good to have my mind clear again.

I'm going to wallow (quite a lot) for a few days and eat cake. I'll see you on the other side.

xxx

Day 13p2dt - Knickerwatch Pt3

Just when I was starting to get hopeful. To allow myself those happy feelings of anticipation. The ones where your chest fills with happy thoughts of maybe, actually, perhaps carrying a child and of how you'll pass the happy news on to those you love and adore. How Mr G and I will be able to get back to being newlyweds instead of full time infertiles.

Just when I was calming down and getting my hopes up the dreaded spotting has begun. Got an extra day in on last cycle. At this rate - with an extra day or two each cycle - I reckon we'd need about 200 or so cycles before we managed to hold out until the full 9 months...

Apologies if tmi, but the spotting's still v brown and not yet scary red, but the last two goes have gone this way.

Also - and I hate to admit this - but i caved in and did not one but 2 HPT's. As i've gone pretty well straight to IVF i've not really been an HOT addict, but I can really see how it's possible to go there. I did one on day 10 and got the FAINTEST of lines. One you really had to squint to see. That gave me some hope but this morning I tried again and there wasn't even a hint or a whisper of a line. Niento. Nada. Nothing. I suppose i'll try one more - perhaps in a couple of days if i've not gone to full bleeding by then, but after that no more. Blasted sticks - they're evil.


Mr G and I have spent - what was one of the few gloriously sunny days of this summer's wash out - most of the day in grim silence with the occasional teary outburst from me. I've given up avoiding sugar - a bar of white choc (Green and Blacks) last night and a (really not v nice) ice cream today. What's the point or trying?

As soon as the fat lady has finally sung, this fat lady will sink a large glass of well chilled alcohol and indulge in a few large creamy caffe latte's.

Yesterday's buffet went really well. They loved the food and we stuck around for a while so i could stare at them eating and check all was well. Mr G thought my food looked great. He took some pics. Once i've seen them i'll stick some on here.

I'm so fed up. Beyond fed up. What have Mr G and I done to fail THREE TIMES at this stupid game. We're good people, i've taken all the right supplements, restricted all the required foods. I've had pins and needles stuck all over and in me, listened to hours of relaxing hypnotherapy and rested when told (more or less - perhaps that's the problem) but still we cannot make this work.

I'm SO not beaten. We've lots more to try and neither of us are ready to give up...not yet.

Good luck to those of you still in the game xx

Day10p2dt

Thankfully, the last five days have passed much more quickly.

The cramps have continued along with the back pain. The bosoms are still on their way down too. I'm on full time bosom watch, prodding them every half hour or so to see how tender they are! They do seem to be returning to normal.

BUT, despite all of that, I still have my hopeful moments and there's been no bleeding....yet. I lasted until day 12 last time and it's still only day 10. I'm reasonably calm and have lots to do to take my mind off things - for a few minutes at a time at least.

This week's been a busy one:

On Monday I was invited to join the Guild of Food Writers. I'm so pleased. I applied a few months ago and wasn't sure if they'd accept me. You have to have had your food writing published a certain number of times and the committee have to approve your work. They did! A nice piece of news.

I worked a bit too hard on Tuesday and was worried i'd overdone it. I taught 8 children to make pasta (ravioli) and meringues on Tuesday. I got home and had an hour on with my feet up and then had to rush off to help my caterer friend cook a dinner for 45 people in honour of David Ca.meron - one of our leading pol.iticians - so she was really stressed. It was really hard work - the kitchen was 2 steep floors up from the dining area. I had to go carry stuff up and down the stairs LOADS of times and was pretty exhausted by the end of the evening. I was worried i'd overdone it but I actually think either this IVF has worked or it hasn't and a bit of hard work isn't going to change that now.

Yesterday I had some major cramps and backache and went into full-on knicker watch - in between bosom prodding that is.

Today i've been cooking all day. I'm doing salads, dips and desserts for my best friend's BBQ on Saturday. I've given her a Moroccan themed menu.

Mr G and I will deliver it all on Saturday morning. She lives about 2 hours away from me, so it'll be a half day by the time we've got there and back. I wasn't sure if I should do the work during my 2WW, but its been good for me to concentrate on something other than my stomach cramps and chest. I'll post some (boring) foodie pics when the food's done.

Hope all my co-ladies in waiting are doing ok.

xx

Halfway, but don't get your hopes up

It's not looking good.

For both my previous cycles the arrival of spotting and a full on period were preceded by obvoius boob shrinkage and total lack of breast tenderness - even when prodded hard to make sure. There was also a nagging pain in my lower back and some tummy cramps as well as the end of the (unwanted to sort of comforting) prog.esterone-caused constipation. By Day 10/12 it was all over.

Well, let's run through the sympton list:

Shrinking and less tender b.osoms ? Check (and i'm prodding them (discretely) at regular intervals)
Lower back ache? Check.
Periody like tummy cramps? Check
Con.stipation gone? Check
Cycle 3 going down in flames? Check, Check, Flippin' Check.

I'm hanging on to some flimsy shred of hope that it's so early - day7p2dt - that maybe the lower back pain is a pg thing, but I think not.

I've wasted much of this morning reading blogs and obsessing over this, but the best thing I can do is get on with my work and let Mother Nature take her course....

I almost didn't post this because i'm sure you'll all tell me it's way too early to be giving up and that the good old fat lady (who after this cycle is probably me) hasn't sung yet. But you sort of know these things if you're honest doncha girls?

Mr G and I wlll have to decide what to do next. I think our gorgeous Dr Big Hair's time is up. We'll have to move on to pastures (and stirrups) new. A whole new fleet of nurses and doctors to mess around with my bits and give us new ideas on how to get this baby we want.

I really do hope i'm wrong, but....what more can I say? I'm not sure I believe this stuff will ever work for us.

xxx

How slowly can 5 days go?!!!

Well, there's not a lot going on in my neck of the woods.

It all feels a bit samey really. Been here before and it hasn't ended v well either of those times.

There's a dialogue between my old friends (who you may have met in my 25 June entry) Hopeful Hattie and Pessimist Patsy that goes something like this:

PP: So, here we are again. 4 eggs/2 embryos is EXACTLY the same score as IVF2. Why should this time be any different to that one when we crashed and burned in flames.

HH: Well, things ARE a bit different actually. There was no down reg so we went into the stims feeling much more normal and healthy. There were only about 10 days of hormonal drug hell....AND the transfer went really smoothly

PP: But it's the same crappy old eggs that we're churning out and they were started growing 3 months ago when we were in the middle of our 'post-failure alcohol/caffeine/sugar fest'. Yeah - (with sarcastic tone) they'll be much better WON'T THEY?!!

HH: But, Miss Misery, why do fertile couples take months to conceive sometimes. What's different for them each month? Some months it's just the right egg and sperm that get together. This could be our month!

The two of them just keep on bickering back and forth and Pats is the stronger of the two, no matter how many times I try to push her out of my head.

I've generally felt a bit disconnected this time. A bit weird really - can't explain it better than that. I'm having massively stressy dreams though and waking up at 5ish (to Mr G's grunting snores - sorry darling I know I snore too) and lying there worrying about how tense I must be. Which embryo would want to move into this stressed out ut.erus?!!

Seems to be the longest 5 days of my life so far and there's 9 more to get through! Never mind, i've lots of work this coming week and that'll keep my mind occupied.

Watched an ok film last night to take our minds off things Mr G liked it better than me. I was disappointed that the main couple were blessed with two gorgeous children. I'm pathetic for even being bothered. I get more bitter and twisted with each passing day! We joked we should have gone into the DVD store and asked for a film about happily child free infertiles!

Oh, last bit of news before I get to work on this week's restaurant review. My bro has a store in Syd.ney. He was called at 6am by his alarm people reporting multiple intruders. He hotfooted it down there to find police and fire engines galore. The dishwasher had spontaneously burst into flames and the store was in flames!! He sent some pics of the fire trucks
Nightmare but thank goodness for the firemen! They wouldn't let him in at first in case he'd done it himself. Luckily there was CC.TV of the dishwasher exploding into fire! Just glad all are ok and that they have some insurance. They were due to go on hols this week, but have had to postphone. I called and spoke to them and my gorgeous neice and nephew both told me they loved me. I must be so Pro.gesteroned up it made me cry!

Hope all you ladies in waiting are going well. Thinking of you xx

And now we wait....

I'm lying on my sofar watching cookery programmes on tv. Gary Rhodes is making luscious desserts. In the kitchen, Mr G is labouring away making a healthy supper for us both. I've even been back to bed for about an hour - unheard of for me - Miss Busybody-Non-Stop Activity".

My world is peaceful. This is one of the good times in IVF, the post transfer high. The worries haven't set in and all is good.

We met the acupuncturist at the clinic. He was all suited and booted - bless. It was heaving with people there today. Waiting room full, operating suite - where they do egg collection also full and a queue for transfers! After a short wait we went down to the operating suite and I had the first acu session lying on a trolley! Despite the surroundings it was pretty relaxing. He put the needles in and talked me through a relaxation.

True to form Big Hair (our doc) was 30 mins late. (He's so forgiven as he'd been racing around - first thing doing an egg collection at my clinic then off to his other clinic and then back to me to do my transfer) Whilst we waited I sat in a v comfy easy chair and chatted to the acupuncturist - who's doing a study with a big London hospital to prove acupuncture helps and who wants to build a hospital where complementary therapies work next to traditional medicine. He's done 15 pre and post sessions with patients at my clinic. I was proud of myselfr for not asking the success rate - would only have wound myself up worrying if it wasn't 100%.

I felt like a VIP when the nurse (one of my favourites) came to get me for transfer. I was escorted up to the transfer room. Big Hair and Mr G (who'd been waiting for me up there) were waiting - all smiles - and in we went. After we'd confirmed we were who we were meant to be we got on with it. It all went smoothly. Big Hair was pleased with how smoothly he managed to get the catheter in.

After a bladder empty it was the next acu session. This time, on the bed i'd had the transfer on. I even dropped off a few times. It was excellent. He left two "seeds" (tiny needles) in my ears for me to press if (if?!) if get stressed.

Mr G drove home snail-like and (despite a Lo.ndon incident right next to us where a bike courier smashed off the mirror of a bus because it had cut him up) i've stayed pretty calm.

Thank you all for your lovely comments. It's meant so much to me to know you're all out there cheering me on. I hope I can be of as much support to you girls.

Good luck you other ladies in waiting xx

update

I'll keep this short as you've just had to endure the longest post in the world....

The clinic rang. One egg wasn't suitable for fertilisation. Three fertilised. One of those fertilised abnormally but TWO have come through with flying colours. Phew. We have two embryos to be returned tomorrow. I'd have liked one to join my frostie in the freezer, but I'll be happy to welcome back the two we have got tomorrow.

I'm immensely relieved but if i'm honest - a little disappointed and sad. I know I should be grateful for 2, but the perfectionist in me wants better than 50%. I've always done much better than that (in life if not in IVF) but as Mr G told me - this isn't an exam and you can't treat it like one. If we get a 50% return on our implantation, we'll have a baby. Aren't men just so logical.

Transfer tomorrow at 1.30pm. I've booked an acupunturist to come treat me at the clinic, so I can lay there post transfer and relax. My Mum asked me about the Car.diff Uni research dissing alternative treatments which was in all our papers yesterday. I don't believe it - it seems fairly flawed and not overly helpful - but I hate the doubt it plants in my mind. As acupuncture has helped get my body ready for this cycle i'm going to stay with it.

Oh, meant to mention that egg collection took place on the fourth anniversary of my Daddy's death. He died before I met Mr G which makes me sad and I miss him every single day of my life. He died way too young at 61 - he was so fit and vital. Pancreatic cancer took him from us in just 14 weeks from diagnosis. It's an evil disease. I wish he was here now. I'd normally go up to his grave on his anniversary, but I hope he'll understand why I couldn't make it yesterday and I really hope he'll do all he can to help his grandchild into this world. I miss you Daddy.

xx

Anxious

Thank you all for your good wishes. I didn't turn on my laptop yesterday as I felt a bit knocked out from the anaesthetic.

I'm sitting at my desk in my home office trying not to look at the clock, to take deep breaths and to keep my mind on anything but "do we have any embryos?" They've normally rung by now.....

So, to keep our minds off things, I'll run you though yesterday:

Mr G and I get up at 8, get ready - no lotions and potions, no make up and no deodorant - and set off for the clinic. It's sunny and we take the roof down in his sporty little convertible. The sun on my face is gorgeous. Early Sunday morning is normally a great time to cross London, but last Sunday was dreadful because they'd closed lots of streets.

Yesterday, the To.ur de France was kicking off in London, so we knew it'd be bad. We probably should have left more than our usual 35 mins to get there. After our usual dispute over the route (which couple doesn't argue about which way to go?!) we decided to go east and try to cross the river in the City. What we didn't know - and should have checked - was the City was exactly wheret the flippin' To.ur was going. We got to the bridge we wanted to cross and there was a police road block. Apparently the next bridge was also closed. It was, by now, 9.45. I should've been at the clinic by 9.30 and the EC was due for 10am. I was just a little stressed. We called the clinic to see how long I had (bearing in mind the trigger was timed for EC at 10am) and they said get there asap.

With nowhere to park in the very security conscious City, we decided i'd get out and cross the river on foot and Mr G would get there as soon as he could in the car. I tried to think calm thoughts and actually admire London in the sunshine - the Thames and buildings on its banks looked spectacular. I arrived at about 10.

Our doc - Dr Big Hair had not even arrived himself! So much for the panic. I changed into my gorgeous surgical gown and answered the usual questions. The anaesthetist - tall sombre, Russian man - asked me lots of questions. They checked my vitals and I sat down to wait. There were 3 of us in for EC. One came out of recovery and one went in as I waited. Then Big Hair showed up - bless him! The nurses were v impressed he was in for me at the weekend. He and I chatted and then Mr G pitched up at about 10.40 - relieved he hadn't missed me.

(JUST CHECKED CLOCK AND THOUGHT AGAIN - WHY HAVEN'T THEY CALLED ME YET??!!]

I was nervous, but then, having done this 3 times now, it's all starting to be quite normal.

I must have gone in at about 11. I joked a bit with the lovely nurse and anaesthatist - who warmed up a bit. Woke up with that lovely cosy "what a good sleep i've just had" feeling. Apparently i'd already talked to Mr G, who'd popped his head round the door before he went to do his end of the bargain. I'd said - in my drug-hazed stupor and in front of the nurses and Dr's - "Go and do your stuff darling". I'd even pulled off my oxygen mask to do it. I have no memory of that! Mad! I just remember Big Hair coming in to tell me we'd managed FOUR EGGS! Sorry for putting you through that long story to get there. [I NEED TO KEEP BUSY OR I'LL BURST WITH WORRY] Phew - four big follies, four eggs.

I chatted to the nurse in recovery - giving her recipe tips fo couscous and marmalade chicken - how sad am I. She told me she loves her job but hates it when a girl wakes up from collection with no eggs. I was so glad to have my four, but now i'm scared none of them have fertilised!! [WHY HAVEN'T THEY CALLED ME YET - I'M GOING MAD HERE!]

I was last into the unit and the nurses were keen to get on with their Sundays, so they rushed me out of the unit. We drove home - all roads open now - with the roof down. We stopped to pick up my antibiotics - not sure why they dont' keep them there as we all need them - and some nice food. Then I sat on the garden with the Sunday papers and tea and enjoyed the brief sunny spell. There was (I kid you not) a Sumo wrestling tournament in the park behind my flat, so my peace was ruined by loud Japanese talking and wailing coming at me over the PA. It was an awful racket.

I"m back on the pessaries - how much do I hate those - and they're already bunging me up. Joy.

So, my roller coaster high of egg success has quickly turned into worry at the silence from the em.bryology dept at our clinic. Seems you clear one hurdle and you're straight into the lead up to the next.

Please, please, please let us have at least one embryo. I'll update this post with the news. Off to find something else to occupy myself with xx

Trigger tonight

Well, my follies have dragged themselves to the end of the week.

The day four scan (thurs) showed some slight movement with the bigger follies and third in line but the tiddlers pretty well refused to move. Only one had moved from 10 up to 11/12. The nurse reckoned we'd be up for the trigger on thursday night, but my Doc - Dr Big Hair - who'd just arrived back from the big fertility conference in France - said we'd go another night. I was pleased, because i was not happy about going into egg collection with only 3 large follies.

Today, the three biggies were all above the line - each in their 20's - and guess what....the 12 mm-er had shot up the graph with an overnight growth spurt and had joined them! I've now got four up there and ready to rock and roll! I'd got up and put my jeans back on when the sonographer (proper name for scanner operator) was marking up her chart. She was so surprised she made me drop them again so she could double check! I was so pleased. Pitiful really - such excitement at my sad tally of eggs. Amazing last minute spurt from that follie - wonder if it was the acupuncture or the gallons of water I drank yesterday?

Anway, i've already done my Men.opur and Cet.trotide for today and i'm shoot.ing up for the last time this cycle at 11pm. Egg Collection is booked for 10am on Sunday morning. Gorgeous Kiwi Sweetheart nurse told me Big Hair would be in himself. She said they NEVER see him at the weekend so I must be special if he was coming in to do it. I'm actually feeling excited.

Please, please let this be the one for me.
Let this be my time.
Let it be me on the right side of the percentages.
Please let me have earned the right to my baby
I've done everything I can...and more...all I can do is keep going and hope.

Still...we've still got to get those eggs out, get them fertilised and get them back in. A bit early for my pleas perhaps.

I celebrated with a supermarket sweep around Wai.trose - my favourite supermarket - where I bought loads of my favourite (healthy) foods. Lots of summer berries, nuts and raisins and some flowers to cheer up the flat. We'd been to the farmer's market near the clinic and bought some fresh sardines and med veg to griddle for supper. We're both feeling a bit lazy so we might just end up eating a pizza we've got in the freezer - we can do healthy sardines tomorrow.

I felt sad reading some of your posts this week. Some of you are where I was only a few weeks ago. Reality and Forever Hopeful moved me in particular. I'm thinking of you both and sending you a big hug. I know just how you feel and you both wrote from the heart. I wish we all could be in a different place and not going through any of this. Lots of love to you both and to anyone having a hard time this week.

Good luck to the cyclers too xx

...and...

...drum roll................................ta daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Today's scores are.....................almost exactly the same as yesterday!

Only one follie has done anything overnight. One of the tiddlers has moved up a little.

Thanks for yeseterday's comments girls - i'm not actually too riled as today's scanner operator was "Day Two - just can't get your name right" woman and i'm not really sure about her accuracy. As a Leah and Bea said, it's most definitely an art. How on earth do they know which one they've measured? They all look the same to me!

E2 levels continue to rise and I haven't lost Monster Foll off the top of the graph, so i'm cool. It would actually be quite convenient if we could hold egg collection until the weekend anyway.

A little corner of my mind - currently gated shut with a big "Enter at your own risk" sign in front of it - is worried about this plateau but i'm just not going there. Perhaps it's like weight loss - you lose and lose and then, whatever you do, you can't shift those last few pounds. Maybe those follies are really trying to grow, and will suddenly burst through the plateau.

I went from this morning's scan straight to my acupuncture session where I hope the follies got a burst of growing power.

Then I went on to lunch with my folks and aunties and uncles (2 of each) for one of my uncle's birthdays - born on the 4th of July. Happy birthday to him and Happy Independence day to all you girlies accross the water!

Lunch was GORGEOUS - one of my favourite restaurants - Odette's in Primrose Hill. Here's a pic taken from the web:



The chef - Brynn Williams (bad pic off internet) is lovely - he's a bit of a media chef here, on and off television. He came over to talk to us but I had to run off and couldn't chat.

The bread - four different types all fresh and chewy - was gorgeous. They brought a pre-starter shot glass of pea soup with a tiny goujon of hot, crumbed fish and a v thin anchovy flavoured shard of bread. I had a seared tuna nicoise to start - also really, really good - and then John Dory fillet (wrapped in crispy potato straws that made it look like it was wrapped in some sort of cocoon) which was served on a bed of crushed, minted peas and then a vanilla pannacotta served with strawberries marinated in basil syrup as well as fresh strawberries and some strawberry coulis. It was all really, really tasty and good to look at. At £17 for 3 courses, it was also good value. My appetite remains extremely healthy.

What was really lovely was being with my mother, her brother and sister and their spouses. I love their company and we laugh a lot. Mr G had to work which was a shame as we missed him.

Going to hot water bottle it now and try to devote some energy to egg growing. Good luck you girls on a cycle

xx

forwards...and backwards...

I'm sitting with my feet up and a hot water bottle on my tum. It's 4.30pm and i'm feeling very guilty that i'm not at my desk. This is so hard. Feeling like I should be working, but also that I should be giving this my very best shot. I'm lucky I work from home and can take the chance to relax but it leaves me feeling a bit of a slacker.

I've now had 3 scans which are showing bizarre scores:

Day 1: 5 follies - the largest at 16mm and lining at 9ish. Ce.trotide begins. WHAT a big needle that has!! MUCH bigger than the one I use on my normal syringes, and no, I didn't get mixed up and use the needle you're meant to use to mix the meds! In the rush to plunge I used that fat boy needle anyway but found out later that I can use my fine needles in the Ce.trotide syringe.


Day 2: Oddly, no sign of the 16mm follie, only a 14mmish follie out in front and my lining has dropped to 8ish...
........uh?

I seem to be going backwards!! Weird, but optimistic me thinks "ok, no problem, i don't want the big ones getting too big before their little teeny tiny siblings can catch up".

Day 3: Return of the big follie - which is now showing up at a healthy and over the "ready to mature" line 18mm. My lining's back up to the high 9's - almost 10.

3 scans, 3 scan operators, 3 different scores. A little bit worrying as tomorrow I have the lady who did Day 2. I just hope she's accurate....She pronounces my name wrong every time I see her. If she can't get my name right how am i meant to trust her scanning abilities!!

Never mind. I'm feeling ok - this is the "up" part of the roller coaster. I'm taking action and hope's high. I've 8 follicles now. More than i've ever had before. 4 aren't likely to grow as they're teeny weeny and idling around on the baseline, but it's good to know that they're actually there. Makes me wonder if a higher dose (i'm on 300 - 4 vials of Menopur) would push some more though.... I'm really hoping I can manage a harvest of 5 eggs or so - that'd be great. Just so long as they're of good quality.

I'm eating lots of protein and drinking so much water and herbal tea that I can hear it all sloshing around in my belly when i move quickly! I sound like a hot water bottle.

Time to get back to work. Good luck to the other cycling girlies. Hope your follies are growing well.

xx

ps

My last post was my 70th! Goodness how they mount up. I'm racing towards my century.

Forgot to pass on another success story. My mum rang to tell me about the daughter of a friend of my auntie (keep up) who has just got a BFN on her 12th (TWELFTH) attempt!! She has ageing issues and a hubbie with sperm probs - not sure what. Anyway, on this try they both visited a kinesiologist. I'm not exactly sure what that is, but I do know that quite a few people have had success after trying kinesiology and this worked a charm for them.

I think there's a danger in trying too many things - just gets confusing and is probably more stressful - but if all else has failed....maybe this will help someone.

Good luck all of you cycling

xx

ps: there's an international fertility conference this week in Lyons. Our doc's off there and i'm sure there'll be lots of news about all things IVF in the media

Phew....

...i've got something to show for the last 6 days of jabs. I was trying to be positive, but the last two FSH tests had made me nervous that i'd be all outta eggs. Problem with this stuff is you have absolutely NO idea of what's going on in there.

I've been STARVING all week - hoped that meant I was growing something - apart from another spare tyre. I understand why the weight goes on now. Tried to keep it healthy this time and not pig out on my new favourite treat - Pret a manger chocolate biscuit bars.

Anyway, enough suspense. I've managed 5 follicles, which is more than I managed at the same stage last time. Not a lot for most people, but as good as can hope for so i'm delighted. Just hope to gather a couple more and that they all keep growing....

Mr G said afterwards that he was worried we'd have a "neel pwaan" (nil points - Eurovision Song contest reference for my US girlies who may not get it). We were both so relieved that we had a lovely, top of the IVF rollercoaster day. We saw my fave nurse at the clinic - Kiwi Sweetheart - one of the v few switched on ones. She told me to start the Cetrotide tonight - a second injection that will slow things down, as one of the follies is almost at the line already.

We ate breakfast and read the Sunday papers at a place called Canteen on the South Bank and then went home via Selfridges (my favourite department store) and the huge Marks and Spencer next door. After the last few days of failed bombs and the attack on Glasgow Airport, there are a loads of police vehicles, cordons and fire engines racing around. It's a bit worrying, but so far, the terrorists have been reassuringly rubbish. I just hope none of them succeed.

Now, i'm at home watching the Princess Diana concert. It's HUGE and a lot more of an event that i'd imagined it'd be. Well done the Princes for getting it up and running. Amazing how much impact she had on so many people.

I start Cetrotide tonight and they think i'll be heading for egg collection towards the end of this week. HOW much better is this short protocol. It's so much quicker and seems (this far) to work as well. Not going to get my hopes up - a week's a long time in IVF world but today there's more hope than yesterday that I might get to transfer again. Fingers crossed

xx