I'm back!!!
We have just had a gorgeous week on a beautiful Greek Island in the most wonderful hotel. The first row of pics shows a room next to ours and pics of our room. It was stunning. We had a pool just outside our bedroom and a perfect view of the sea. The staff were all so lovely - nothing too much trouble - and the setting, totally peaceful. Mr G ended up working every day on his laptop and on the phone, rising early as he was so stressed - we saw more than one beautiful sunrise - but at least we were able to spend some time together.
We laughed (a lot) and generally enjoyed each other's company. We ate very very well. I worried it wouldn't be good for Mr G as he's a (fish eating) vegetarian but it could not have been better. He loves houmous, feta, haloumi and other Greek type foods and there was plenty of those. We ate three good meals a day, with snacks. I was horrified to read today that i have (at this point) gained half my pregnancy weight and have another half to go. As i've already gained about 20lbs, that's not good news. Not a lot I can do about that now...
My only blip on holiday was a really sore shoulder. I've pulled something and it feels like a burning sensation in the joint. I just couldn't shake it. It meant i didn't swim as much as i meant to, but spent plenty of time in the pool reading my book - far too hot to sunbathe. No complaints - it was bliss.
On the TP front. I spent a certain amount of time worrying all was well. On Friday, Mr G - who talks to my tummy on a daily basis now - asked for a big kick to let us know all was well. I was lying on the sun lounger with my hands on my tum when a felt something like a bubble rise to the surface inside and pop at the top. I felt something like a drum beat against my hand. I couldn't believe it. Mr G was on a business call so I couldn't be certain I hadn't imagined it. Anyway, we were lying on the bed last night laughing about some of the holiday exploits when it happened again. I put Mr G's hand on my belly and he felt it too! It was so emotional. I'd laughed so much I had tears pouring down my face - you know how it is when it could change any minute to full on blubbing? When TP did the kicking thing I nearly lost it.
I spend a lot of time feeling immensely grateful for everything.
On a sad note, my friend who is carrying twins and went in to premature labour has lost one of her babies. The little boy was born on Saturday night and didn't make it. His sister is still inside and doing ok. I'm praying that they hold onto at least one baby. Life is so unfair. Why should people who go through so much to get pregnant (2 IVF's for her with full-on OHSS for good measure both times) then have to endure such horror. Haven't they had enough? She's in a hospital on the other side of London but i'm going to go up there this week to support her and her husband. It's just not fair.
My friend having her second IVF was converted to IUI and is waiting. I'm praying for her and her husband too.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Rushing. Warning - scan pics in post
...so no belly for now...but the good news is that TP is looking good and performed well for the nice lady Dr.
All bits present and correct and no markers for anything horrid. Phew. We both cried - or rather welled up with - tears of relief and happiness. We know what sex our little one is for sure, but are keeping it a big secret for now.
I have to go - we're due to leave in about an hour and i haven't started packing. I'll be in Cephalonia for the next week chilling out and catching up on sleep i missed out on this week worrying about our scan. I'm so excited! It's meant to be beautiful there.
Have a good week and here's a 3D pic of our little TP
Looking a lot like Mr G.
I'm blown away.
All bits present and correct and no markers for anything horrid. Phew. We both cried - or rather welled up with - tears of relief and happiness. We know what sex our little one is for sure, but are keeping it a big secret for now.
I have to go - we're due to leave in about an hour and i haven't started packing. I'll be in Cephalonia for the next week chilling out and catching up on sleep i missed out on this week worrying about our scan. I'm so excited! It's meant to be beautiful there.
Have a good week and here's a 3D pic of our little TP
Looking a lot like Mr G. I'm blown away.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Alright already
Thanks for recent comments.
I've had a few requests for belly shots. I'll ask Mr G to do the honours or see if I can manage an 'in the mirror' shot. I'll get it up before today.
I was actually meaning to take pics monthly. So much for that! I must get started on the shots so thank you for the requests.
Watch this space - belly coming soon...you have been warned.
ps: made some gorgeous mini carrot cake muffins
this morning. The pic isn't mine but look just the same - although i topped mine with a walnut each. Usual recipe but in small muffin cups. They were so cute! I made them for the attendees of my apartment block's management committee meeting. I've got so sick of them doing nothing i decided to join. We had the meeting in the gardens outside my flat and (being a Jewish Mother in waiting) I just couldn't have people here and not feed them. Hence the muffins. At least they appreciated them.
Does anyone else have to get busy when people come round - cleaning? cooking? hiding the clutter?
I've had a few requests for belly shots. I'll ask Mr G to do the honours or see if I can manage an 'in the mirror' shot. I'll get it up before today.
I was actually meaning to take pics monthly. So much for that! I must get started on the shots so thank you for the requests.
Watch this space - belly coming soon...you have been warned.
ps: made some gorgeous mini carrot cake muffins
this morning. The pic isn't mine but look just the same - although i topped mine with a walnut each. Usual recipe but in small muffin cups. They were so cute! I made them for the attendees of my apartment block's management committee meeting. I've got so sick of them doing nothing i decided to join. We had the meeting in the gardens outside my flat and (being a Jewish Mother in waiting) I just couldn't have people here and not feed them. Hence the muffins. At least they appreciated them. Does anyone else have to get busy when people come round - cleaning? cooking? hiding the clutter?
Monday, June 16, 2008
20 weeks tomorrow - lots about pregnancy
Tomorrow i'll have made it to 20 weeks. Who'd have thought? I never thought i'd get this far. I've got my 20 week anomaly scan on Friday. I'm still nervous about TP but i'm starting to feel a whole lot better about this pregnancy.
I'm starting to move from "is she tubby?" to "she looks like she could be pregnant". More than one person has touched my tum in the last few days. I still feel a bit nervous about saying i'm pregnant just in case i'm not next week. I'm also uncomfortable about looking too far into the future. Every so often though i am overwhelmed with the joy and pleasure of it all.
One huge change has been in my marriage. Neither Mr G nor I had realised how much IF had hijacked us. We thought we were doing ok, and in the circumstances, we were. We had our moments of being 'us' but it's only now, now that the pressure is off that I can see how far off 'us' we were. We've jumped back to how we were when we first met. Part of the joy of this pregnancy is getting my marriage back again.
I feel uncomfortable writing this when i know others who are still in the trenches might read it, but i need to say it. I feel angry that IF put us through such hell, but blessed and immensely lucky to be where i am now. I'm so full of love for Mr G i could burst with it. (Sorry for that mush)
I just hope that TP arrives and is healthy.
I have so many friends in need of good wishes and support at the moment:
My friend with twins in early labour was released (after her circlage) but re-admitted to hospital this weekend. She'll be in for the rest of her pregnancy. She's only 21 weeks and I'm praying her twins make it a few more weeks. She was very lucky not to have lost them already and is in the best place.
Another friend is in the middle of a cycle and only has 2 follicles to show so far after a week of stims. I'm praying things work out for her. Her husband - a friend of Mr G - is really finding it very hard to deal with.
I had tea with a lady who is covering as Features Editor for one of the papers I write for. She has just found out she and her dh will need to do ICSI. I so feel for her and have said she must ask me if there's anything she needs to know. She doesn't know anyone who's had IVF. I feel so very lucky to have made it this far over the fence. I hope I can help her.
Finally, i took some lunch to my friend who's in the middle of her chemotherapy for breast cancer. She's 39 with 2 small children. She's being so brave and i'm so proud of her. We sat in her garden and talked for hours today about IVF and cancer. She has 2 more chemo sessions and then radiotherapy. She won't know for a few more months how the cancer is doing. I'm praying it will all be gone. She and i had lost touch and i'm so grateful that we're back in touch again.
I think that's all for this post. Mr G's in Paris - for the second time in a week and for the next two nights. I'll miss him, but want to make the most of the chance of an early night, so i must get off to bed.
Night night.
I'm starting to move from "is she tubby?" to "she looks like she could be pregnant". More than one person has touched my tum in the last few days. I still feel a bit nervous about saying i'm pregnant just in case i'm not next week. I'm also uncomfortable about looking too far into the future. Every so often though i am overwhelmed with the joy and pleasure of it all.
One huge change has been in my marriage. Neither Mr G nor I had realised how much IF had hijacked us. We thought we were doing ok, and in the circumstances, we were. We had our moments of being 'us' but it's only now, now that the pressure is off that I can see how far off 'us' we were. We've jumped back to how we were when we first met. Part of the joy of this pregnancy is getting my marriage back again.
I feel uncomfortable writing this when i know others who are still in the trenches might read it, but i need to say it. I feel angry that IF put us through such hell, but blessed and immensely lucky to be where i am now. I'm so full of love for Mr G i could burst with it. (Sorry for that mush)
I just hope that TP arrives and is healthy.
I have so many friends in need of good wishes and support at the moment:
My friend with twins in early labour was released (after her circlage) but re-admitted to hospital this weekend. She'll be in for the rest of her pregnancy. She's only 21 weeks and I'm praying her twins make it a few more weeks. She was very lucky not to have lost them already and is in the best place.
Another friend is in the middle of a cycle and only has 2 follicles to show so far after a week of stims. I'm praying things work out for her. Her husband - a friend of Mr G - is really finding it very hard to deal with.
I had tea with a lady who is covering as Features Editor for one of the papers I write for. She has just found out she and her dh will need to do ICSI. I so feel for her and have said she must ask me if there's anything she needs to know. She doesn't know anyone who's had IVF. I feel so very lucky to have made it this far over the fence. I hope I can help her.
Finally, i took some lunch to my friend who's in the middle of her chemotherapy for breast cancer. She's 39 with 2 small children. She's being so brave and i'm so proud of her. We sat in her garden and talked for hours today about IVF and cancer. She has 2 more chemo sessions and then radiotherapy. She won't know for a few more months how the cancer is doing. I'm praying it will all be gone. She and i had lost touch and i'm so grateful that we're back in touch again.
I think that's all for this post. Mr G's in Paris - for the second time in a week and for the next two nights. I'll miss him, but want to make the most of the chance of an early night, so i must get off to bed.
Night night.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Good news & quite a bit of PG stuff
I seem to be going through some sort of hormonal crying phase. Everything, and i mean anything and everything is prone to have me well up and, worse still, sob. Television programmes, good news and even just thinking about how far i've come all can trigger tears. I'm not sad - far from it - just prone to blubbing.
After some hysteria on Tuesday night - hours before Mr G was due to hop on the Eurostar to Paris - i decided to try to get seen a day early at the Emergency Gynaecology Dept. I'd got myself into such a state about the cramping that i couldn't face another night of stressing - especially with Mr G away.
I rang them all morning but no one replied. (I still haven't had an answer the next day!) I decided to turn up. I arrived to a packed room and immediately burst into tears. The male receptionist was pretty cool about the weeping woman in front of him and said they'd try to see me. He let me hide in his room for a minute to get my act together. The worst thing was that even then, i couldn't stop and the nurses were just totally ignoring me! I filled in a form whilst snivelling and managed to get it together enough to leave the room. It was 12.30pm and he said to come back just before 2pm when the afternoon clinic would begin. I decided not to go home but had some lunch - which turned out to be very nice - and spoke to Mr G, who was convinced i was so hormonal that all must be ok.
I went back to 2pm and sat waiting until about 3.30pm. They kept saying how busy they were, but they had no urgency at all. Clinic opened at 2pm. The Registrar doing the scanning strolled up at 2.10 and the nurse practitioner at 2.20. There were 3 of us waiting - one lady had been there since 10.15am!! They saw her first and then me. The Registrar just had a look at TP with the ultrasound. He said there was nothing else he could do. I asked if the placenta was ok. He then had a look at that and said 'yes, looks fine'. He said that if something was really wrong i'd be in huge pain and there would be bleeding or discharge.
He thought it was just growing pains. I'm sure he's right, but he gave me zero confidence. Whilst i was in there, the emergency room called him. Without even seeing the patient he said to give her heavy pain relief and he'd come when he could but he had lots to do and wasn't going to hurry. He said they could bleep him all they liked but it would make no difference to when he came. Very caring!
Anyway, i'm still hurting but less concerned. Suppose it's my fantastically taut stomach muscles - as if....
My happiest news is that a friend - you may recall i bumped into her at the clinic a few weeks ago. Has had her first scan (at 6 and a half weeks) and she saw 2 sacs and 2 heartbeats!! I'm so, so happy for her - it had me in tears again. She's very nervous as her last BFP ended in a miscarriage at about 9 weeks but as her numbers are were so much better this time i'm sure it's going to work out. It's another good news story for us older birds. She's 41 and a half - 42 in December. It can happen!
After some hysteria on Tuesday night - hours before Mr G was due to hop on the Eurostar to Paris - i decided to try to get seen a day early at the Emergency Gynaecology Dept. I'd got myself into such a state about the cramping that i couldn't face another night of stressing - especially with Mr G away.
I rang them all morning but no one replied. (I still haven't had an answer the next day!) I decided to turn up. I arrived to a packed room and immediately burst into tears. The male receptionist was pretty cool about the weeping woman in front of him and said they'd try to see me. He let me hide in his room for a minute to get my act together. The worst thing was that even then, i couldn't stop and the nurses were just totally ignoring me! I filled in a form whilst snivelling and managed to get it together enough to leave the room. It was 12.30pm and he said to come back just before 2pm when the afternoon clinic would begin. I decided not to go home but had some lunch - which turned out to be very nice - and spoke to Mr G, who was convinced i was so hormonal that all must be ok.
I went back to 2pm and sat waiting until about 3.30pm. They kept saying how busy they were, but they had no urgency at all. Clinic opened at 2pm. The Registrar doing the scanning strolled up at 2.10 and the nurse practitioner at 2.20. There were 3 of us waiting - one lady had been there since 10.15am!! They saw her first and then me. The Registrar just had a look at TP with the ultrasound. He said there was nothing else he could do. I asked if the placenta was ok. He then had a look at that and said 'yes, looks fine'. He said that if something was really wrong i'd be in huge pain and there would be bleeding or discharge.
He thought it was just growing pains. I'm sure he's right, but he gave me zero confidence. Whilst i was in there, the emergency room called him. Without even seeing the patient he said to give her heavy pain relief and he'd come when he could but he had lots to do and wasn't going to hurry. He said they could bleep him all they liked but it would make no difference to when he came. Very caring!
Anyway, i'm still hurting but less concerned. Suppose it's my fantastically taut stomach muscles - as if....
My happiest news is that a friend - you may recall i bumped into her at the clinic a few weeks ago. Has had her first scan (at 6 and a half weeks) and she saw 2 sacs and 2 heartbeats!! I'm so, so happy for her - it had me in tears again. She's very nervous as her last BFP ended in a miscarriage at about 9 weeks but as her numbers are were so much better this time i'm sure it's going to work out. It's another good news story for us older birds. She's 41 and a half - 42 in December. It can happen!
Monday, June 09, 2008
The other side of the fertility fence
I had a busy weekend. On Saturday we went to a garden party of an old school friend. She has been guilty of some hugely insensitive comments over the last couple of years and it was touch and go whether Mr G and I would attend, especially since it was going to be packed with small children. Even the friend's considerably younger sister had managed to produce her own small (and immensely cute) child!
As life is a bit easier on the IF front with TP on board, we decided we'd go - for a short while at least.
It was, as expected, packed with parents and small children racing around madly. It wasn't too bad. I only knew a handful of people there - including the hostess's family and a couple of our other school friends. We stood talking and eating canapes most of the time. The children were for the most part very cute. I'm very taken with the children of one of my school friends - V.
Mr G met a guy who used to be in the armed protection unit for the Queen which made his afternoon. He'd done that man nagging thing for the whole week before and all the way to the party - you know, the whole whiny "why do we have to go to this party", "how long must we stay" thing. All that changed once he met "a guy who protected the Queen with a gun!". My party curfew was immediately lifted.
Anyway, the point of this story isn't to embarrass my gorgeous husband. I went up to my two school friends to say hi. One (V) - who i'm in regular touch with asked how i was doing and I did that (yuck) pg thing of patting the bump. The other one - B - who is in close touch with V clearly had no idea I was pg and was full of happy congratulations. All very innocent you would think.
A while later I was chatting tp B. Turns out she had one child and was unable to conceive number 2. She'd had 3 failed IVF's after which she'd given up. I had no idea. She was asking me loads of questions about my treatment and then started to cry. I felt SO SO shitty. I took her to the corner of the garden for privacy and we had a longer talk. Her husband had been against donor eggs, she wasn't keen on adoption and after some matrimonial to-ing and fro-ing. they'd given up. She still hoped for that miracle, but clearly it was hurting.
I had tears in my eyes and felt so f'ing useless. I was cross too. Well meaning fertile friends had clearly chosen to keep my news from her so as not to hurt her. She was hijacked somewhat and probably had an emotional stumble as a result.
I realise i'm now contradicting myself. Two posts ago i was all for keeping certain news from the vulnerable. Now i'm angry at someone failing to share news. This is different though. If she'd known she'd have had time to deal with it. As it was, she had to deal with the pregnancy of a previously fertile-ly challenged person in very public place.
It underlined again how this stuff never goes away. We'll always be hijacked by the good news of others. Whilst we wish them well, we'll still feel a stabbing in our hearts.
Otherwise, i had a lovely weekend. The sun shone on Sunday and it's still beating down today. Gorgeous! Changes the whole outlook when you're deprived of it so often.
I went to the Dr today. I'm still getting period pain like cramps. They make me nervous. That, and some very low and different round ligament pain today made me decide to get checked out. We heard TP's heartbeat banging away but she rang the Fetal Emergency Unit anyway. I'm glad i'm not really, really panicking, as they cant see me until Thursday morning! I suppose if it was looking more serious they'd see me asap. I've no bleeding - but am on full panty watch. I'm sure it'll be ok, but we're off to Greece in a couple of weeks and i'd rather go knowing TP's not at risk.
As life is a bit easier on the IF front with TP on board, we decided we'd go - for a short while at least.
It was, as expected, packed with parents and small children racing around madly. It wasn't too bad. I only knew a handful of people there - including the hostess's family and a couple of our other school friends. We stood talking and eating canapes most of the time. The children were for the most part very cute. I'm very taken with the children of one of my school friends - V.
Mr G met a guy who used to be in the armed protection unit for the Queen which made his afternoon. He'd done that man nagging thing for the whole week before and all the way to the party - you know, the whole whiny "why do we have to go to this party", "how long must we stay" thing. All that changed once he met "a guy who protected the Queen with a gun!". My party curfew was immediately lifted.
Anyway, the point of this story isn't to embarrass my gorgeous husband. I went up to my two school friends to say hi. One (V) - who i'm in regular touch with asked how i was doing and I did that (yuck) pg thing of patting the bump. The other one - B - who is in close touch with V clearly had no idea I was pg and was full of happy congratulations. All very innocent you would think.
A while later I was chatting tp B. Turns out she had one child and was unable to conceive number 2. She'd had 3 failed IVF's after which she'd given up. I had no idea. She was asking me loads of questions about my treatment and then started to cry. I felt SO SO shitty. I took her to the corner of the garden for privacy and we had a longer talk. Her husband had been against donor eggs, she wasn't keen on adoption and after some matrimonial to-ing and fro-ing. they'd given up. She still hoped for that miracle, but clearly it was hurting.
I had tears in my eyes and felt so f'ing useless. I was cross too. Well meaning fertile friends had clearly chosen to keep my news from her so as not to hurt her. She was hijacked somewhat and probably had an emotional stumble as a result.
I realise i'm now contradicting myself. Two posts ago i was all for keeping certain news from the vulnerable. Now i'm angry at someone failing to share news. This is different though. If she'd known she'd have had time to deal with it. As it was, she had to deal with the pregnancy of a previously fertile-ly challenged person in very public place.
It underlined again how this stuff never goes away. We'll always be hijacked by the good news of others. Whilst we wish them well, we'll still feel a stabbing in our hearts.
Otherwise, i had a lovely weekend. The sun shone on Sunday and it's still beating down today. Gorgeous! Changes the whole outlook when you're deprived of it so often.
I went to the Dr today. I'm still getting period pain like cramps. They make me nervous. That, and some very low and different round ligament pain today made me decide to get checked out. We heard TP's heartbeat banging away but she rang the Fetal Emergency Unit anyway. I'm glad i'm not really, really panicking, as they cant see me until Thursday morning! I suppose if it was looking more serious they'd see me asap. I've no bleeding - but am on full panty watch. I'm sure it'll be ok, but we're off to Greece in a couple of weeks and i'd rather go knowing TP's not at risk.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Nightmares
I've been feeling bad about yesterday's post all night. Maybe there are some feelings you just shouldn't blog about. It feels sort of bad karma to even think something bad about someone who's also been through IVF hell. It made me feel rotten even thinking that way.
I've been having bad dreams for a while now. They're about loss. Oddly, not baby loss but losing Mr G. In my nightmares, he either leaves me or (g-d forbid) dies. I feel so wretched when I wake up as it feels so real. Last night i lost 4 people close to me. a very close friend, my father (who I did lose nearly 5 years ago but who i still dream about regularly) and another person that I can't remember. In the dream i was out somewhere and saw something i really wanted to share with Mr G and had that huge sinking misery of knowing i never could.
When i woke at 5.30am I had to touch him to make sure he really was there. He woke to and i had a sobbing meltdown - you know how weird you get in the early hours - over feeling a bit lacking in the friend front at the moment.
It seems all that i hold dear has taken me a very long time to get to. It took me many years (and some bad, bad relationships) before I met my gorgeous and wonderful Mr G and i have no idea what i'd do without him. It has taken us two years and lots of heartache to get where we are now with TP. I'm still so scared that it won't last. I have a lurking worry that the happiness i feel will be snatched away from me. I think the dreams are a part of that.
I'm sorry for a negative post when i've really got it all. I"m well aware of how lucky i am. Must be a touch of hormones...
I'm off to make some peanut butter and choc cookies to take to a friend this afternoon. New recipe but anything with chocolate an peanut butter's gotta be good...!
I've been having bad dreams for a while now. They're about loss. Oddly, not baby loss but losing Mr G. In my nightmares, he either leaves me or (g-d forbid) dies. I feel so wretched when I wake up as it feels so real. Last night i lost 4 people close to me. a very close friend, my father (who I did lose nearly 5 years ago but who i still dream about regularly) and another person that I can't remember. In the dream i was out somewhere and saw something i really wanted to share with Mr G and had that huge sinking misery of knowing i never could.
When i woke at 5.30am I had to touch him to make sure he really was there. He woke to and i had a sobbing meltdown - you know how weird you get in the early hours - over feeling a bit lacking in the friend front at the moment.
It seems all that i hold dear has taken me a very long time to get to. It took me many years (and some bad, bad relationships) before I met my gorgeous and wonderful Mr G and i have no idea what i'd do without him. It has taken us two years and lots of heartache to get where we are now with TP. I'm still so scared that it won't last. I have a lurking worry that the happiness i feel will be snatched away from me. I think the dreams are a part of that.
I'm sorry for a negative post when i've really got it all. I"m well aware of how lucky i am. Must be a touch of hormones...
I'm off to make some peanut butter and choc cookies to take to a friend this afternoon. New recipe but anything with chocolate an peanut butter's gotta be good...!
Friday, June 06, 2008
Should we share the bad news? + SATC plot spoiler
I bought a new little remote keyboard when i replaced my laptop and i love it!! It's a pleasure to type. As my new laptop is almost identical looking to the old one life isn't much changed. Mr G and I are both a bit nervy, and I don't leave the flat without hiding my laptop away. It takes time but whilst Mr Tickle's on the lose....
I've been a bit panicky this week. One of my MindBody girls texted yesterday to say she's in hospital with a threatened miscarriage. She's 20 weeks and carrying twins. I immediately got in touch. Turns out that she'd had a pain in her abdomen - which she now knows was some sort of urinary infection. She then had period like pain which it turns out were contractions. Her midwife told her to get to hospital. When she got to there she was 2cm dilated. They got her on an antibiotic drip and gave her meds to stop the labour. She was not sure if she was going to keep the babies - who were still very much alive and kicking inside of her. As i've been having a strong stabbing, stitch like pain and some period pains, it got me really worried and i've had a nervy 24 hours.
I spoke to her husband this morning and things are looking much better. She and the babies could well be ok. I'm so relieved for her.
I'm not sure if i'm evil, but she's someone who's rarely in touch and who is really insensitive to others who've not reached the stage she has. Whenever she gets in touch i worry that i'm not doing a well as her and she MOANS about her pregnancy symptoms in a disingenuous way. I'm not sure how to explain it but it's sort of like showing off whilst pretending to be moaning... Whilst i'm really concerned for her and at then end of the phone for her and praying for a happy ending, i feel a little upset with her for sending panic around the group. Three of us are also pregnant and one lost her first pregnancy at 18 weeks and is 18 weeks with another pregnancy now.
I hope i don't sound mean. Should we be sensitive about telling scare stories? Maybe i've just got it wrong and we should be there for each other whatever? It could just be my issue...Anyway, it's looking like a happy ending for her, which is the main thing.
My cramps come and go. I'm just not sure if period pain type cramps are part of the deal or if i should be concerned. Also, the stitch - in the appendix area - was sharp enough to really take my breath away. I had a rub of my tum to try and shift TP if they were the cause and changed how I was lying and it eased off, so i'm less worried about that pain. I've had it a few times this week. TP's been a bit quiet too - if i'd been feeling him/her that is. If the cramps return i'll go to the hospital emergency room - which is the only place you can go here if you're pre 20 weeks and have any pregnancy issues. You can also see your Doctor but getting an appt might take a week or so! Great medical system we have!
Sorry for the vent. I'm doing ok really.
Saw SATC on Monday. Loved it. Look away now if you plan on seeing it but I agree with a nacomleavmo blogger i read this week. It was a real let down that having adopted, Charlotte had a happy ending natural pregnancy. Why wasn't adoption enough and why could she not have gone down the IVF route? Disappointing that the whole "adopt and you'll fall pregnant instantly" myth was perpetrated once again. I'm still getting the whole - "you'll probably get pregnant naturally now you're pregnant" stuff. I WON'T !!!! It's not physically possible so leave me alone!!
Also had a long Brothers and Sisters session with a friend. 2 episodes over dinner. Pure pleasure! Rob Lowe is just too gorgeous! I've loved him since the 80's when i watched About Last Night about a hundred times! Who's your crush?
I've been a bit panicky this week. One of my MindBody girls texted yesterday to say she's in hospital with a threatened miscarriage. She's 20 weeks and carrying twins. I immediately got in touch. Turns out that she'd had a pain in her abdomen - which she now knows was some sort of urinary infection. She then had period like pain which it turns out were contractions. Her midwife told her to get to hospital. When she got to there she was 2cm dilated. They got her on an antibiotic drip and gave her meds to stop the labour. She was not sure if she was going to keep the babies - who were still very much alive and kicking inside of her. As i've been having a strong stabbing, stitch like pain and some period pains, it got me really worried and i've had a nervy 24 hours.
I spoke to her husband this morning and things are looking much better. She and the babies could well be ok. I'm so relieved for her.
I'm not sure if i'm evil, but she's someone who's rarely in touch and who is really insensitive to others who've not reached the stage she has. Whenever she gets in touch i worry that i'm not doing a well as her and she MOANS about her pregnancy symptoms in a disingenuous way. I'm not sure how to explain it but it's sort of like showing off whilst pretending to be moaning... Whilst i'm really concerned for her and at then end of the phone for her and praying for a happy ending, i feel a little upset with her for sending panic around the group. Three of us are also pregnant and one lost her first pregnancy at 18 weeks and is 18 weeks with another pregnancy now.
I hope i don't sound mean. Should we be sensitive about telling scare stories? Maybe i've just got it wrong and we should be there for each other whatever? It could just be my issue...Anyway, it's looking like a happy ending for her, which is the main thing.
My cramps come and go. I'm just not sure if period pain type cramps are part of the deal or if i should be concerned. Also, the stitch - in the appendix area - was sharp enough to really take my breath away. I had a rub of my tum to try and shift TP if they were the cause and changed how I was lying and it eased off, so i'm less worried about that pain. I've had it a few times this week. TP's been a bit quiet too - if i'd been feeling him/her that is. If the cramps return i'll go to the hospital emergency room - which is the only place you can go here if you're pre 20 weeks and have any pregnancy issues. You can also see your Doctor but getting an appt might take a week or so! Great medical system we have!
Sorry for the vent. I'm doing ok really.
Saw SATC on Monday. Loved it. Look away now if you plan on seeing it but I agree with a nacomleavmo blogger i read this week. It was a real let down that having adopted, Charlotte had a happy ending natural pregnancy. Why wasn't adoption enough and why could she not have gone down the IVF route? Disappointing that the whole "adopt and you'll fall pregnant instantly" myth was perpetrated once again. I'm still getting the whole - "you'll probably get pregnant naturally now you're pregnant" stuff. I WON'T !!!! It's not physically possible so leave me alone!!
Also had a long Brothers and Sisters session with a friend. 2 episodes over dinner. Pure pleasure! Rob Lowe is just too gorgeous! I've loved him since the 80's when i watched About Last Night about a hundred times! Who's your crush?
Monday, June 02, 2008
Burgled!!
It's been an eventful day already and it's only 3.30 in the afternoon.
At 6am, i was vaguely aware of noise in our flat and a window opening or closing. I assumed Mr G had got up ahead of me - as he does - and was moving around the flat. He hadn't. He was lying next to me. I must have fallen asleep as the next thing i knew, he was getting out of bed and pulling on some clothes. I drifted off again. Next thing, i heard him calling 999 - our emergency services - to report a burglary.
I was now awake.
I pulled on my pj bottoms. Previously a naked sleeper, I now sleep in a secret support vest top to try to prevent my new 36D's from sagging. I got up and Mr G - just finished calling the police - told me we'd had an intruder. All that the b**st**d had taken was my laptop, mouse and power cable! Mr G had caught sight of the thief running up the garden and over the fence with next door with my laptop under his sneaky, thieving, b**st**d arm.
The most amazing part was that he hadn't actually been inside. We have security gates on each window which we keep locked closed most of the time. Feels like a prison but makes me feel safe. Not so safe any more. The Evil Criminal (EC for short) had pulled up the sash window - not locked - and using two lengths of pipe, managed to lift my Apple Mac Power Book off its stand on my desk. The desk is at least 3 or 4 feet from the window. He'd got it over to him and pulled it through the bars. And, get this, he'd even closed the window!!! He'd even managed to unplug the power cable from its socket and take that.
I actually think we were burgled by this man
because i sure as anything couldn't have done that. He also did it in about 10 minutes flat.
With a talent like that, he'd make more money in a circus!
Anyway, the police were with us in 5 minutes, took notes and told us the Scene of Crime people would be along later. They left and we sat - a bit shell shocked - waiting until i could ring our insurer, banks and whoever else.
As the flipping thing had been left on overnight, i'm now worried that EC/Mr Tickle may pretend to be me. You have been warned to watch out for random posts!
I actually feel very lucky because -
1. my gorgeous husband had backed up the entire contents of my computer last night - which was why it was still on.
2. I was allowed by my insurer to go out and immediately buy a new MacBook Pro - which is what i'm typing on
3. All my data is now on the new laptop;
4. we weren't hurt;
5. Mr Tickle didn't steal a silver photo frame on the window ledge that my late father had given me; and
6. Mr Tickle wasn't here earlier, when i went to the bathroom - in only my vest - which is what tends to happen these days as i can't get through the night without answering nature's call.
I'm now really enjoying nacomleavmo and have loved the comments. If you're visiting today - have you been burgled or had anything you love stolen from you?
At 6am, i was vaguely aware of noise in our flat and a window opening or closing. I assumed Mr G had got up ahead of me - as he does - and was moving around the flat. He hadn't. He was lying next to me. I must have fallen asleep as the next thing i knew, he was getting out of bed and pulling on some clothes. I drifted off again. Next thing, i heard him calling 999 - our emergency services - to report a burglary.
I was now awake.
I pulled on my pj bottoms. Previously a naked sleeper, I now sleep in a secret support vest top to try to prevent my new 36D's from sagging. I got up and Mr G - just finished calling the police - told me we'd had an intruder. All that the b**st**d had taken was my laptop, mouse and power cable! Mr G had caught sight of the thief running up the garden and over the fence with next door with my laptop under his sneaky, thieving, b**st**d arm.
The most amazing part was that he hadn't actually been inside. We have security gates on each window which we keep locked closed most of the time. Feels like a prison but makes me feel safe. Not so safe any more. The Evil Criminal (EC for short) had pulled up the sash window - not locked - and using two lengths of pipe, managed to lift my Apple Mac Power Book off its stand on my desk. The desk is at least 3 or 4 feet from the window. He'd got it over to him and pulled it through the bars. And, get this, he'd even closed the window!!! He'd even managed to unplug the power cable from its socket and take that.
I actually think we were burgled by this man
because i sure as anything couldn't have done that. He also did it in about 10 minutes flat. With a talent like that, he'd make more money in a circus!
Anyway, the police were with us in 5 minutes, took notes and told us the Scene of Crime people would be along later. They left and we sat - a bit shell shocked - waiting until i could ring our insurer, banks and whoever else.
As the flipping thing had been left on overnight, i'm now worried that EC/Mr Tickle may pretend to be me. You have been warned to watch out for random posts!
I actually feel very lucky because -
1. my gorgeous husband had backed up the entire contents of my computer last night - which was why it was still on.
2. I was allowed by my insurer to go out and immediately buy a new MacBook Pro - which is what i'm typing on
3. All my data is now on the new laptop;
4. we weren't hurt;
5. Mr Tickle didn't steal a silver photo frame on the window ledge that my late father had given me; and
6. Mr Tickle wasn't here earlier, when i went to the bathroom - in only my vest - which is what tends to happen these days as i can't get through the night without answering nature's call.
I'm now really enjoying nacomleavmo and have loved the comments. If you're visiting today - have you been burgled or had anything you love stolen from you?
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Perhaps I was wrong...
I really enjoyed my visits to blogs new yesterday. I'm rubbish at remembering the names but at one I got to watch a video clip about Star Wars nerds that made me laugh out loud. Another played me music and another had me thinking about my favourite piece of kitchen equipment. Little things, but I really enjoyed the tour.
It's also making me post more so that my visitors - of which there are more now, thanks girls - are kept up to date.
The sun's shining here in London and i've had a lovely walk today on Hampstead Heath. I walked with the wife of one of my ex-bosses. He's a solicitor and i used to work for him when i was a legal beagle. I got on really well with both of them. We took her dog - a gorgeous lassie looking collie called Count Basie, Basie for short.
We bumped into a group of youngish (20 somethings) on the way. She knew one of them as he'd been very close to her son when they were growing up. She introduced him as Johnny. We chatted to him for a short while about a book she's about to publish about her son's drug addiction and bi-polar disorder (another story) in which Johnny's mentioned. He seemed nice enough. He was obviously in a band and said he's currently recording and it's going well. I assumed it's a hobby.
It was this man
As we walked off she asked if i knew who he was. I said no and she told me he's Johnny Borrell the lead singer in Razorlight. I wouldn't have recognised him in a gazillion years and couldn't tell you a single Razorlight song. That makes me feel like my mother - AND i'm not even a mother!!!
Would you have known who he was?
Now, to steal an idea from another blog i visited and to give you something to comment on - what makes you feel old?
It's also making me post more so that my visitors - of which there are more now, thanks girls - are kept up to date.
The sun's shining here in London and i've had a lovely walk today on Hampstead Heath. I walked with the wife of one of my ex-bosses. He's a solicitor and i used to work for him when i was a legal beagle. I got on really well with both of them. We took her dog - a gorgeous lassie looking collie called Count Basie, Basie for short.
We bumped into a group of youngish (20 somethings) on the way. She knew one of them as he'd been very close to her son when they were growing up. She introduced him as Johnny. We chatted to him for a short while about a book she's about to publish about her son's drug addiction and bi-polar disorder (another story) in which Johnny's mentioned. He seemed nice enough. He was obviously in a band and said he's currently recording and it's going well. I assumed it's a hobby.
It was this man
As we walked off she asked if i knew who he was. I said no and she told me he's Johnny Borrell the lead singer in Razorlight. I wouldn't have recognised him in a gazillion years and couldn't tell you a single Razorlight song. That makes me feel like my mother - AND i'm not even a mother!!!Would you have known who he was?
Now, to steal an idea from another blog i visited and to give you something to comment on - what makes you feel old?
Friday, May 30, 2008
I think I can feel TP
[BABY RELATED POST]
Thanks for the comments girls. Glad i'm not alone here!
I'm not sure and perhaps it really is too early but i'm getting little flickers inside from TP. I thought you were meant to get the feeling when you lay down on your back, but I seem to get it when i'm upright. It's probably wind or some other charming ailment!
Did i mention we have not one but two dopplers? We caved and bought one a few weeks ago. I feel a little embarassed to admit to owning one. My mother was very down in the idea. My BF sneered and said i'm the only person she'd EVER heard of getting one. I explained they're more common in the IF community.
The second one was given to us by a friend of MR G. We met up with him down in Mallorca. He lives out there with his wife and they've got 2 IVF children. She got severe OHSS both times and was hospitalised. They've been through all of that together and have been married 10 years. They've just decided to separate. Mr G was really upset about it. Seems very sad to me. I met her too and they make a really lovely couple.
Anyway, he brought us their doppler and said they listened every night. We've only been using ours every few days or so. We'd not taken it away as i figured what would we do if we had a problem. Anyway, once we had one in our hands it was too tempting not to have a cheeky listen. As we had no gel, we improvised with some of the hotel freebie shampoo! It worked and we got to hear the best sound in the world.
Mr G doesn't like me listening on my own, but i have had the very occasional sneaky go when i'm a bit nervous.
I hope i have been feeling TP and i hope there's lots more.
Thanks for the comments girls. Glad i'm not alone here!
I'm not sure and perhaps it really is too early but i'm getting little flickers inside from TP. I thought you were meant to get the feeling when you lay down on your back, but I seem to get it when i'm upright. It's probably wind or some other charming ailment!
Did i mention we have not one but two dopplers? We caved and bought one a few weeks ago. I feel a little embarassed to admit to owning one. My mother was very down in the idea. My BF sneered and said i'm the only person she'd EVER heard of getting one. I explained they're more common in the IF community. The second one was given to us by a friend of MR G. We met up with him down in Mallorca. He lives out there with his wife and they've got 2 IVF children. She got severe OHSS both times and was hospitalised. They've been through all of that together and have been married 10 years. They've just decided to separate. Mr G was really upset about it. Seems very sad to me. I met her too and they make a really lovely couple.
Anyway, he brought us their doppler and said they listened every night. We've only been using ours every few days or so. We'd not taken it away as i figured what would we do if we had a problem. Anyway, once we had one in our hands it was too tempting not to have a cheeky listen. As we had no gel, we improvised with some of the hotel freebie shampoo! It worked and we got to hear the best sound in the world.
Mr G doesn't like me listening on my own, but i have had the very occasional sneaky go when i'm a bit nervous.
I hope i have been feeling TP and i hope there's lots more.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Harumph
Not sure i'm a big fan of NaComLeavMo so far.
It's taking me AGES to get through the commenting - especially when I try to keep up with my usual blog reads. How does anyone spend this long on line each day??!!
AND - to add insult to injury - i didn't get one comment yesterday. The 217 commentors must have been elsewhere!!
I'm not sure i'm reaping what i sew, but perhaps i should be more selfless...!
I'll keep going - until my work deadlines mean i haven't as much time to join in.
On a less grumpy note - i had lunch with one of my Editors today at a really, really great vegetarian restaurant in Primrose Hill called Manna. I was amazed how good it was and not at all hemp wearing knit your own underpants. Well worth a visit.
It's taking me AGES to get through the commenting - especially when I try to keep up with my usual blog reads. How does anyone spend this long on line each day??!!
AND - to add insult to injury - i didn't get one comment yesterday. The 217 commentors must have been elsewhere!!
I'm not sure i'm reaping what i sew, but perhaps i should be more selfless...!
I'll keep going - until my work deadlines mean i haven't as much time to join in.
On a less grumpy note - i had lunch with one of my Editors today at a really, really great vegetarian restaurant in Primrose Hill called Manna. I was amazed how good it was and not at all hemp wearing knit your own underpants. Well worth a visit.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Back from hols
Original title, hey?!
It's late, i've just come in from teaching 8 beginners to make plaice in a lime and parsley crust, salt and balsamic potato wedges and dark chocolate and walnut cookies. I love them dearly, but they're hard work! I ate a large number of cookies and wedges so i'm pretty full too.
We came back yesterday from Mallorca. The day before we flew, i googled the 5 day forecast. It was rain, rain, rain. My mood plummeted and i removed most of my summer gear from my suitcase and packed an umbrella. It was every bit as bad - weather-wise as the forecast and we were even treated to thunder and lightning!
Now I'm a total sun queen and was in dark mood as we left and when we arrived to clouds but Mr G and I actually had the BEST time. It was like a second honeymoon. No, actually, it was probably better than our honeymoon. We chilled out, laughed til we cried more than once and generally enjoyed being together. We even resurrected our s*x life, which has been almost entirely non-existent since the start of this last iVF cycle. Between G.estone injections, fear of dislodging TP, nausea and general lack of interest, we haven't had much in the way of intimacy. It was great to get it on again. (Sorry for TMI - especially if you've only just found me via NaComLeavMo!
Anyway - Mallorca is covered in lush green vegetation including heaps of fruit laden orange and lemon trees. It looks SO pretty. Our hotel was gorgeous and best of all, we were upgraded for the second two nights as the blind in our room was broken when we arrived. Our upgraded room was a penthouse with its own roof terrace and HUGE bath tub surrounded by windows looking out onto the surrounding mountains. When we walked into the penthouse we were beside ourselves with excitement. I'm almost embarassed to say that I felt so full of emotion at having such a fantastic time with my darling boy that I cried with happiness. First time i've done that in many, many months - no make that years!
I still have a dark corner of my mind that remembers being this happy before IF took over our lives and is worried this will be taken away from me again. Am i really allowed to feel this good?
RE my clinic. You may recall they wanted me to repeat my NK cells bloods to see if i needed more IVI.g. They called yesterday to book me in for the IVI.g. A minimum £1400 procedure - and most likely more. I asked if they'd had the results of the bloods and they said no. What are they up to?!!! Anyway, it turns out they HAD got the results but hadn't reviewed them. They asked me to come in for a scan first thing this morning when they'd check the results and decide if I needed IVI.g. To cut a long and boring story short - we scored a sneaky look at TP - bless - who seems to be doing ok and then waited nearly 2 hours to be told I didn't need IVI.g. My NK cells are ok again. I was pleased to be released but mildly irritated to have lost 2 hours of my day sitting in a waiting room. Still, on the scale of things I figure i'm still doing pretty ok.
Oh! I bumped into a friend and cycle buddy at the clinic. She's immensely private and hadn't told me she was cycling again. She was shocked to bump into me but admitted she'd got a positive beta yesterday. That has MADE me day. I can't stop thinking about her. I know it's early days - especially as she lost her last IVF baby at 9 weeks - but its a strong positive. I so hope it sticks.
It's late, i've just come in from teaching 8 beginners to make plaice in a lime and parsley crust, salt and balsamic potato wedges and dark chocolate and walnut cookies. I love them dearly, but they're hard work! I ate a large number of cookies and wedges so i'm pretty full too.
We came back yesterday from Mallorca. The day before we flew, i googled the 5 day forecast. It was rain, rain, rain. My mood plummeted and i removed most of my summer gear from my suitcase and packed an umbrella. It was every bit as bad - weather-wise as the forecast and we were even treated to thunder and lightning!
Now I'm a total sun queen and was in dark mood as we left and when we arrived to clouds but Mr G and I actually had the BEST time. It was like a second honeymoon. No, actually, it was probably better than our honeymoon. We chilled out, laughed til we cried more than once and generally enjoyed being together. We even resurrected our s*x life, which has been almost entirely non-existent since the start of this last iVF cycle. Between G.estone injections, fear of dislodging TP, nausea and general lack of interest, we haven't had much in the way of intimacy. It was great to get it on again. (Sorry for TMI - especially if you've only just found me via NaComLeavMo!
Anyway - Mallorca is covered in lush green vegetation including heaps of fruit laden orange and lemon trees. It looks SO pretty. Our hotel was gorgeous and best of all, we were upgraded for the second two nights as the blind in our room was broken when we arrived. Our upgraded room was a penthouse with its own roof terrace and HUGE bath tub surrounded by windows looking out onto the surrounding mountains. When we walked into the penthouse we were beside ourselves with excitement. I'm almost embarassed to say that I felt so full of emotion at having such a fantastic time with my darling boy that I cried with happiness. First time i've done that in many, many months - no make that years!
I still have a dark corner of my mind that remembers being this happy before IF took over our lives and is worried this will be taken away from me again. Am i really allowed to feel this good?
RE my clinic. You may recall they wanted me to repeat my NK cells bloods to see if i needed more IVI.g. They called yesterday to book me in for the IVI.g. A minimum £1400 procedure - and most likely more. I asked if they'd had the results of the bloods and they said no. What are they up to?!!! Anyway, it turns out they HAD got the results but hadn't reviewed them. They asked me to come in for a scan first thing this morning when they'd check the results and decide if I needed IVI.g. To cut a long and boring story short - we scored a sneaky look at TP - bless - who seems to be doing ok and then waited nearly 2 hours to be told I didn't need IVI.g. My NK cells are ok again. I was pleased to be released but mildly irritated to have lost 2 hours of my day sitting in a waiting room. Still, on the scale of things I figure i'm still doing pretty ok.
Oh! I bumped into a friend and cycle buddy at the clinic. She's immensely private and hadn't told me she was cycling again. She was shocked to bump into me but admitted she'd got a positive beta yesterday. That has MADE me day. I can't stop thinking about her. I know it's early days - especially as she lost her last IVF baby at 9 weeks - but its a strong positive. I so hope it sticks.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Up to date
Right, i'm up to date with all my blogger buddies and even managed a few comments on the way.
Now, i'm off to stay here in Mallorca first thing tomorrow until Tuesday, so if you could all refrain from writing anything until I get back that would be just dandy.
As that NaCom-thingy starts on Sunday, I fear i'm going to have some heavy catching up and commenting to do come tuesday. Just don't be writing too much!
Have a lovely weekend all of you
PPxx
Now, i'm off to stay here in Mallorca first thing tomorrow until Tuesday, so if you could all refrain from writing anything until I get back that would be just dandy.
As that NaCom-thingy starts on Sunday, I fear i'm going to have some heavy catching up and commenting to do come tuesday. Just don't be writing too much!
Have a lovely weekend all of you
PPxx
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Angry
I'm in a bad mood today.
My grumpiness is due in part to two things.
Firstly, to the ignorant and ill informed comments of a radio presenter on this morning. The background is that our government has been debating changes to a Bill to update the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act. There are several changes including a move to allow scientists - for research purposes_ to created hybrid embryos - the shells of cow eggs housing human nucleii - as well as recognising same sex couples as legal parents of children created by fertility treatment using donated sperm or eggs. Much of the changes have been been highly controversial and has meant fertility has been in the news here far more than it might have been.
Additionally, a move to reduce the legal limit for abortion below 24 weeks was last night voted down by our Parliament. This has (not surprisingly) also been controversial. My views on this have become stronger. I am, essentially, pro choice, but feel that if a child could survive outside the womb then it should not be aborted. 24 weeks does seem quite late to abort and should perhaps only be allowed where the baby is severely ill or disabled. I think that the majority of (if not all) late abortions are for this reason.
Anyway - that's a digression as i'm not trying to create a heated debate. The reason I was angry was at a phone in on Fertility on Women's Hour on Radio 4 this morning. the presenter insisted on referring to IF as a 'lifestyle choice'. A LIFESTYLE CHOICE!!! She queried whether or not IVF should be available on the NHS for that reason. That somehow people had chosen to live their lives in a way that cause their IF! I was furious. If it hadn't ended then i'd have called in. Our IF was down to a medical issue and NOTHING to do with our lifestyle. I'll bet the presenter has a raft of her own offpsring. The fertile world wants to do its research if they are going to make broadbrush comments.
..................................................................................
My OTHER irritation is my clinic. I had my NK tests done 3 weeks ago. As usual, there were no results from them. I didn't chase, because they told me that they'd call if it was urgent. Yesterday i had my full blood count done. It was fine BUT i got a message at 6.30pm telling me i had to go back for another (£300+) set of NK bloods with a view to IVI.g early next week. I called today to establish what was going on. It transpired that my NK cells are right up and although the FBC was fine, they want to test again. If it's still high, they'll treat me next week.
We're off on our weekend away on Friday and not back until next Tuesday. I can't get anything done before then. I asked if I should be worried and my Dr said - you should be worried until you have your baby. Great. Why couldn't they have told me this two weeks ago? Now, my long awaited for weekend will have the shadow of this hanging over it. It's f'ing irritating.
I'm sorry if this offensive to you girls still waiting for your BFP's who probably think I should calm down and shut up complaining. I really don't mean to be. I just want to be able to stop worrying about all of this. I had a good antenatal appt yesterday morning and now my clinic are holding up the warning flags again.
Anyway, i'll get my bloods done in the morning and perhaps I won't even need it doing. The only plus in all of this is that if they feel the need to do this then I get to score an extra scan as they check TP's ok before they do the IVI.g. If (G-d forbid) anything was wrong, they wouldn't need to do it at all....
Essentially, i'm not convinced I should be worried, as who knows if the NK stuff is valid, but it's an unwanted fly in the ointment.
My grumpiness is due in part to two things.
Firstly, to the ignorant and ill informed comments of a radio presenter on this morning. The background is that our government has been debating changes to a Bill to update the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act. There are several changes including a move to allow scientists - for research purposes_ to created hybrid embryos - the shells of cow eggs housing human nucleii - as well as recognising same sex couples as legal parents of children created by fertility treatment using donated sperm or eggs. Much of the changes have been been highly controversial and has meant fertility has been in the news here far more than it might have been.
Additionally, a move to reduce the legal limit for abortion below 24 weeks was last night voted down by our Parliament. This has (not surprisingly) also been controversial. My views on this have become stronger. I am, essentially, pro choice, but feel that if a child could survive outside the womb then it should not be aborted. 24 weeks does seem quite late to abort and should perhaps only be allowed where the baby is severely ill or disabled. I think that the majority of (if not all) late abortions are for this reason.
Anyway - that's a digression as i'm not trying to create a heated debate. The reason I was angry was at a phone in on Fertility on Women's Hour on Radio 4 this morning. the presenter insisted on referring to IF as a 'lifestyle choice'. A LIFESTYLE CHOICE!!! She queried whether or not IVF should be available on the NHS for that reason. That somehow people had chosen to live their lives in a way that cause their IF! I was furious. If it hadn't ended then i'd have called in. Our IF was down to a medical issue and NOTHING to do with our lifestyle. I'll bet the presenter has a raft of her own offpsring. The fertile world wants to do its research if they are going to make broadbrush comments.
..................................................................................
My OTHER irritation is my clinic. I had my NK tests done 3 weeks ago. As usual, there were no results from them. I didn't chase, because they told me that they'd call if it was urgent. Yesterday i had my full blood count done. It was fine BUT i got a message at 6.30pm telling me i had to go back for another (£300+) set of NK bloods with a view to IVI.g early next week. I called today to establish what was going on. It transpired that my NK cells are right up and although the FBC was fine, they want to test again. If it's still high, they'll treat me next week.
We're off on our weekend away on Friday and not back until next Tuesday. I can't get anything done before then. I asked if I should be worried and my Dr said - you should be worried until you have your baby. Great. Why couldn't they have told me this two weeks ago? Now, my long awaited for weekend will have the shadow of this hanging over it. It's f'ing irritating.
I'm sorry if this offensive to you girls still waiting for your BFP's who probably think I should calm down and shut up complaining. I really don't mean to be. I just want to be able to stop worrying about all of this. I had a good antenatal appt yesterday morning and now my clinic are holding up the warning flags again.
Anyway, i'll get my bloods done in the morning and perhaps I won't even need it doing. The only plus in all of this is that if they feel the need to do this then I get to score an extra scan as they check TP's ok before they do the IVI.g. If (G-d forbid) anything was wrong, they wouldn't need to do it at all....
Essentially, i'm not convinced I should be worried, as who knows if the NK stuff is valid, but it's an unwanted fly in the ointment.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
20 May already
Been a while since my last post. I've actually been quite busy working! I've seen quite a lot of this 
Believe it or not, in my restaurant critic capacity, I judged a hummus making competition on Sunday. I had to sample 33 different hummuses (hummi??). i've also been teaching people how to make it. I'm not sure when i'll be ready to eat any more chickpea dip.
I've also been teaching and doing some more writing as well as sorting out the odds and sods of our imminent holidays. I'm really struggling with holiday clothes. I need to have another trawl through my summer wardrobe, but i fear i'm to large for much the old stuff. I bought some swimsuits - TWO sizes bigger than my usual - and most have gone back. I think I may just take one of these
the blue will go with my eyes.
Been snivelling a lot through my favourite dramas. Brothers and Sisters (second season) is just fantastic. I cry every week. Desperate Housewives is also good although i'm not sure if a few weeks ago i'd have been able to stomach the baby stuff going on the moment. Mr G and I watched "PS I Love You" at the weekend which was ok but another snivel fest. We were exhausted by the end.
Actually, there was a bit I REALLY identified with - look away now if you plan on seeing the film - which was when our heroine was away with her 2 best friends. One was pg and the other newly engaged. Our heroine was newly widowed and childless. They were both bubbling over with their good news and couldn't wait to be alone so they could really enthuse with each other. Our heroine was clearly mortified. She just closed off and one of her BF's later had a go that she couldn't just be happy for her. I think we've all been there.
Struggling friendships are something that i'm reading a lot about in blogland and something close to my heart at the moment. There are a few of my close friendships that i'm not sure have survived IF. I seem to be closer to some of the girls i've met since the IF journey began. I've felt quite let down by some of my girlfriends but haven't been able to broach this with them. I'm not sure our friendships will ever recover, but perhaps that's just time moving on.
NEXT SECTION IS A TP RELATED UPDATE....
TP has reached the grand old age of 16 weeks. Never did I think i'd get this far and i'm still counting my blessings.
We had an ante-natal appointment this morning with the NHS consultant. After we'd negotiated our way round the immensely rude other staff there we saw the MOST lovely man. Mr John Smith (almost a comedy name) who heads up the Pink Team at St Mary's. Each team has a colour. I'm very happy to be in the pink. One of my favourite colours.
He was wearing a pink shirt and socks and could not have been nicer. After asking about my history he immediately worked out the clinic that had got us our BFP. He didn't raise any brows or sneer at the drugs i've been taking and he was happy to let our IF Clinic carry on prescribing the Clexane for me. He also thinks i should stay on folic acid due to my positive MTHFR.
He told me my uterus is now up close to my navel! Wow. I thought it was just fat belly. Go TP. He plonked his doppler just below my belly button and we got TP's magical beats immediately. I LOVE that sound. It always reassures me no end. Next appt is our 20 week scan. I so hope all's ok...
Believe it or not, in my restaurant critic capacity, I judged a hummus making competition on Sunday. I had to sample 33 different hummuses (hummi??). i've also been teaching people how to make it. I'm not sure when i'll be ready to eat any more chickpea dip. I've also been teaching and doing some more writing as well as sorting out the odds and sods of our imminent holidays. I'm really struggling with holiday clothes. I need to have another trawl through my summer wardrobe, but i fear i'm to large for much the old stuff. I bought some swimsuits - TWO sizes bigger than my usual - and most have gone back. I think I may just take one of these
the blue will go with my eyes.Been snivelling a lot through my favourite dramas. Brothers and Sisters (second season) is just fantastic. I cry every week. Desperate Housewives is also good although i'm not sure if a few weeks ago i'd have been able to stomach the baby stuff going on the moment. Mr G and I watched "PS I Love You" at the weekend which was ok but another snivel fest. We were exhausted by the end.
Actually, there was a bit I REALLY identified with - look away now if you plan on seeing the film - which was when our heroine was away with her 2 best friends. One was pg and the other newly engaged. Our heroine was newly widowed and childless. They were both bubbling over with their good news and couldn't wait to be alone so they could really enthuse with each other. Our heroine was clearly mortified. She just closed off and one of her BF's later had a go that she couldn't just be happy for her. I think we've all been there.
Struggling friendships are something that i'm reading a lot about in blogland and something close to my heart at the moment. There are a few of my close friendships that i'm not sure have survived IF. I seem to be closer to some of the girls i've met since the IF journey began. I've felt quite let down by some of my girlfriends but haven't been able to broach this with them. I'm not sure our friendships will ever recover, but perhaps that's just time moving on.
NEXT SECTION IS A TP RELATED UPDATE....
TP has reached the grand old age of 16 weeks. Never did I think i'd get this far and i'm still counting my blessings.
We had an ante-natal appointment this morning with the NHS consultant. After we'd negotiated our way round the immensely rude other staff there we saw the MOST lovely man. Mr John Smith (almost a comedy name) who heads up the Pink Team at St Mary's. Each team has a colour. I'm very happy to be in the pink. One of my favourite colours.
He was wearing a pink shirt and socks and could not have been nicer. After asking about my history he immediately worked out the clinic that had got us our BFP. He didn't raise any brows or sneer at the drugs i've been taking and he was happy to let our IF Clinic carry on prescribing the Clexane for me. He also thinks i should stay on folic acid due to my positive MTHFR.
He told me my uterus is now up close to my navel! Wow. I thought it was just fat belly. Go TP. He plonked his doppler just below my belly button and we got TP's magical beats immediately. I LOVE that sound. It always reassures me no end. Next appt is our 20 week scan. I so hope all's ok...
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Interesting
Thought this might be of interest to some of you.
It seems really exciting, and a way for some of us Brits getting to the stuff the Sher Institute have been up to for some time. It's not cheap, but then, with IVF, what is?!!
I had a fertile friend berating me for wanting a private 20 week scan - as opposed to NHS, who still have yet to give me my Nuchal results from the tests they did 1 month ago. She was telling me not to be so neurotic. I know i am perhaps a bit on the nervy side but had to explain to her that this baby is very precious, that an ICSI conception is not quite the same as a natural one and she eventually backed down and apologised. If only they knew what we've been through.
Have a lovely day girls xx
It seems really exciting, and a way for some of us Brits getting to the stuff the Sher Institute have been up to for some time. It's not cheap, but then, with IVF, what is?!!
I had a fertile friend berating me for wanting a private 20 week scan - as opposed to NHS, who still have yet to give me my Nuchal results from the tests they did 1 month ago. She was telling me not to be so neurotic. I know i am perhaps a bit on the nervy side but had to explain to her that this baby is very precious, that an ICSI conception is not quite the same as a natural one and she eventually backed down and apologised. If only they knew what we've been through.
Have a lovely day girls xx
Monday, May 12, 2008
As you can see - i managed to get a ticker up. Feels very strange. There's a lot of days to go until TP's due to make an appearance. I'm just counting down to the next scan at 20 weeks. Another hurdle to clear. I'm getting a lot of crampy pain in my lower back which freaks me out a bit but i think that's just TP growing.
My gorgeous thoughtful husband came home with this
a kit full of goodies to pamper myself with. It was all wrapped in girlie pink paper and he'd even put a ribbon on it. He is SO fantastic. Can't wait to use it. I love a beauty product.
The gorgeous weather has been a total distraction. The only downside is that i've done so little work! It's also difficult to find clothes in my wardrobe that fit/look ok. My collection of figure hugging vest tops looks less attractive over my new roll of belly fat. Entirely unrelated to TP, but to the last 3 months of overeating and under-exercising. I'm not sure the steroids have helped but perhaps that's just a good excuse as i'm not exactly starving every time i shove some food in my gob.
Despite the fact that little fits, our cupboard is bulging with clothes - both me and Mr G tend to fluctuate in weight and have entire collections of bigger and smaller sizes. We were due to have a sort out this weekend but it didn't really happen for me. He managed to jettison a few things on Sunday night so then starting smugly taunting me with my failure to do anything.
I was busy planting pots in the garden. Our flat has direct access onto a big communal garden. I keep a few pots outside. We got up early on Sunday to go to Columbia Road Mkt
you can buy great cheap plants and flowers. It's also a good place for a bagel breakfast. I bought some white lavender
but was at a loss for what else would survive. Parts of our outside space get v little sun and other parts get blasted with hot sun all afternoon. I was thinking of calling my mum as she knows this stuff but thought it was too hard to do over the phone.
Anyway, after we'd had a breakfast stop at a Portuguese cafe - where we had custard and almond croissants and coffee for Mr G and hot water and lemon for me - we popped into a shop owned by a friend of my brother. He's not always there but when i poked my head round the door, not only was he there but so was my StepDad! He and my mum had come to the market too. They live MILES away and I had no idea they were there. As you can see from the pic, it gets totally packed with people it was amazing that we saw them at all. I got to take my mum round to advise me on what to buy!
I bought some of these
Not my favourite flowers, but colourful and they will (apparently) trail. I now need some more pots and more flowers to really sort things out.
My next problem will keeping away the squirrels and pigeons who constantly dig up the pots. They ruined last year's floral display totally. I've been told to try chili seeds which i shall, but any tips gratefully received.
I've felt for all those girls facing Mother's Day in the US and Australia. It's a horrible day - really rubs the salt in the wound. Like Valentine's when you're single. You just wish you could hide away and not see all the flippin' marketing and advertising reminding you you're not even eligible to take part. It's nice that some of my blogger buddies have been cared for by their families in a sensitive way. I was thinking of you all.
My gorgeous thoughtful husband came home with this
a kit full of goodies to pamper myself with. It was all wrapped in girlie pink paper and he'd even put a ribbon on it. He is SO fantastic. Can't wait to use it. I love a beauty product.The gorgeous weather has been a total distraction. The only downside is that i've done so little work! It's also difficult to find clothes in my wardrobe that fit/look ok. My collection of figure hugging vest tops looks less attractive over my new roll of belly fat. Entirely unrelated to TP, but to the last 3 months of overeating and under-exercising. I'm not sure the steroids have helped but perhaps that's just a good excuse as i'm not exactly starving every time i shove some food in my gob.
Despite the fact that little fits, our cupboard is bulging with clothes - both me and Mr G tend to fluctuate in weight and have entire collections of bigger and smaller sizes. We were due to have a sort out this weekend but it didn't really happen for me. He managed to jettison a few things on Sunday night so then starting smugly taunting me with my failure to do anything.
I was busy planting pots in the garden. Our flat has direct access onto a big communal garden. I keep a few pots outside. We got up early on Sunday to go to Columbia Road Mkt
you can buy great cheap plants and flowers. It's also a good place for a bagel breakfast. I bought some white lavender
but was at a loss for what else would survive. Parts of our outside space get v little sun and other parts get blasted with hot sun all afternoon. I was thinking of calling my mum as she knows this stuff but thought it was too hard to do over the phone. Anyway, after we'd had a breakfast stop at a Portuguese cafe - where we had custard and almond croissants and coffee for Mr G and hot water and lemon for me - we popped into a shop owned by a friend of my brother. He's not always there but when i poked my head round the door, not only was he there but so was my StepDad! He and my mum had come to the market too. They live MILES away and I had no idea they were there. As you can see from the pic, it gets totally packed with people it was amazing that we saw them at all. I got to take my mum round to advise me on what to buy!
I bought some of these
Not my favourite flowers, but colourful and they will (apparently) trail. I now need some more pots and more flowers to really sort things out. My next problem will keeping away the squirrels and pigeons who constantly dig up the pots. They ruined last year's floral display totally. I've been told to try chili seeds which i shall, but any tips gratefully received.
I've felt for all those girls facing Mother's Day in the US and Australia. It's a horrible day - really rubs the salt in the wound. Like Valentine's when you're single. You just wish you could hide away and not see all the flippin' marketing and advertising reminding you you're not even eligible to take part. It's nice that some of my blogger buddies have been cared for by their families in a sensitive way. I was thinking of you all.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
On a more cheery note
My last post was written under a bit of a cloud. I think I had a slightly hormonal attack of the blues. I had a full-on weep on Sunday night which Mr G dealt with admirably. All sorts of issues came up - fed up with constantly being scared, fed up with needles and (the most embarrassing part which i'm ashamed to even 'fess up to) upset about my new hair do!
I'd been looking forward to getting my grey roots sorted for AGES. I'd decided to go for more highlights as I thought i could avoid tint that way. My hairdresser said that i had to have tint as I've always had it, so I ended up with highlights AND tint and a full-on (silent) panic about chemicals seeping into my skin and getting to TP. I also had a fairly drastic cut - from shoulder length to just about chin length with a new fringe and lots of layers. The colour was so much lighter i got a fright every time i looked in the mirror. The end result was VERY different to my old hair and I've not been sure how to manage it. A week on and i think i'm getting used to it and getting to quite like it...sort of. My meltdown was a little OTT but perhaps just a bit of steam being let off.
There I go again sounding a misery guts. I'm really not!! We've booked a long weekend away and i CAN'T WAIT!!! We're off to Mallorca for the next May Bank Holiday to a tiny hotel to chill-out and recharge. I can't begin to tell you how excited that makes me. It will have been two years since our last proper holiday - our honeymoon!.
More good news (for me) is that I've bought some clothes that fit! I bought a couple of pairs of maternity jeans and some black trousers. I know it's a bit early to be doing that but i just can't fit into anything but some stretchy wide leg trousers I bought a few weeks ago and I was feeling a mess. It's SO great to be looking a bit more normal again. Now i just need to buy some summer tops - and there's so much out there as fashion this summer seems once again brilliant for disguising a big tum.
I'm having a bra dilemma. I went to a specialist bra store who told me my 34B's are in fact 32DD's. Blimey! They also told me that an underwire is fine in pregnancy so long as it fits properly and doesn't cut into the breast tissue. I bought two of their v expensive bras - all I could afford. I thought i'd buy more at my favourite store for underwear - Marks and Spencer. At their store, i was told NEVER wear an underwire when pregnant! I'm now confused. I'm happy to go without the underwire - i'm not that big to need one - but i'd really like a definitive opinion on this.
Sun's still shining and it's beyond lovely. Just looking out the window makes me smile. I wish it was always like this here, but i'll enjoy it for now. I'm off to meet a friend for a gossip and a walk on Hampstead Heath followed by lunch. I've absolutely nothing to complain about so please feel free to tell me to get a grip if I do.
I'd been looking forward to getting my grey roots sorted for AGES. I'd decided to go for more highlights as I thought i could avoid tint that way. My hairdresser said that i had to have tint as I've always had it, so I ended up with highlights AND tint and a full-on (silent) panic about chemicals seeping into my skin and getting to TP. I also had a fairly drastic cut - from shoulder length to just about chin length with a new fringe and lots of layers. The colour was so much lighter i got a fright every time i looked in the mirror. The end result was VERY different to my old hair and I've not been sure how to manage it. A week on and i think i'm getting used to it and getting to quite like it...sort of. My meltdown was a little OTT but perhaps just a bit of steam being let off.
There I go again sounding a misery guts. I'm really not!! We've booked a long weekend away and i CAN'T WAIT!!! We're off to Mallorca for the next May Bank Holiday to a tiny hotel to chill-out and recharge. I can't begin to tell you how excited that makes me. It will have been two years since our last proper holiday - our honeymoon!.
More good news (for me) is that I've bought some clothes that fit! I bought a couple of pairs of maternity jeans and some black trousers. I know it's a bit early to be doing that but i just can't fit into anything but some stretchy wide leg trousers I bought a few weeks ago and I was feeling a mess. It's SO great to be looking a bit more normal again. Now i just need to buy some summer tops - and there's so much out there as fashion this summer seems once again brilliant for disguising a big tum.
I'm having a bra dilemma. I went to a specialist bra store who told me my 34B's are in fact 32DD's. Blimey! They also told me that an underwire is fine in pregnancy so long as it fits properly and doesn't cut into the breast tissue. I bought two of their v expensive bras - all I could afford. I thought i'd buy more at my favourite store for underwear - Marks and Spencer. At their store, i was told NEVER wear an underwire when pregnant! I'm now confused. I'm happy to go without the underwire - i'm not that big to need one - but i'd really like a definitive opinion on this.
Sun's still shining and it's beyond lovely. Just looking out the window makes me smile. I wish it was always like this here, but i'll enjoy it for now. I'm off to meet a friend for a gossip and a walk on Hampstead Heath followed by lunch. I've absolutely nothing to complain about so please feel free to tell me to get a grip if I do.
Monday, May 05, 2008
Thoughts
Been a while since i posted. I've had quite a bit of work and that hasn't left much time for reading or commenting on your blogs or for writing on mine.
I've had a few issues with friends that have upset me a little and i've come to a realisation.
1. We will never be like them. "We" being us fertile-ly challenged folk and "them" being those lucky enough to have a baby more or less when they want one. I'm not sure if pregnancy for them is quite so stressful, because if anything were to go wrong, chances are, it would be a whole lot easier for them to get knocked up again. As it took many thousands of pounds and two and a half years of my life to get this far, the thought of having to start again is...unthinkable.
2. They're NEVER going to "get it". They think that just because Mr G and I are now knocked up, we are now just like them. To them, all the horrors of the last few years have faded away. Since news got out of our lucky break, we're receiving invitations from "babied-up" people who we've not socialised with once since we got married. "We MUST get together" they say. Why? Why are we suddenly eligible to join some club we were previously excluded from?
I didn't want to be part of that crowd before and I definitely don't now. I'm just not comfortable enough that TP is here for the duration and in any event - nothing's changed for us. We'll stick with the friends who've stuck with us, thank you very much, not the baby club folk.
3. They can plan. They're most likely booking ante-natal classes and planning births the minute those two magic lines show up. I still hold my breath and check the toilet paper every single time I wipe. Every single time. I'm not sure i'll ever stop - well, not until early November, that is.
I'm even still too superstitious to remove the boxes of various sanitary protection on the shelf behind our toilet. I might research some ante-natal classes this week - mainly because i keep being told they'll get booked up otherwise.
4. They (often) take the blessing of a child for granted and see reproduction as their natural right. (And maybe it is) They don't hold their breath each day that it might get taken away. I (silently) thank my lucky stars (and G-d) every morning, afternoon and evening for TP. Mr G and I really can't believe we've been so blessed but a part of us keeps expecting it to be taken away. How can we be allowed to be so happy?
5. They talk about their "first pregnancy" and are already planning their second. They take for granted that if they want more than one, that's what they'll have and often they take for granted being able to plan when that child or those children will be conceived. I know that if TP makes it to term and beyond, that will be it for us. We may adopt (if we can afford it) and that's what i'd like to do. But we won't be making any more babies. This pregnancy ain't my first, it is, most likely, my only.
6. Their men (that sounds a bit cave man) can strut around, peacock-like, chests thrust out with pride at how manly they are having impregnated their wives/girlfriends. I bought Mr G a book called "The Bloke's Guide to Pregnancy" which (unfortunately) bangs on and on about this part of pregnancy. It has made my gorgeous husband feel rubbish and even more emasculated because of how TP started out. I hate that. I could tell him a million times he's just as much of a man to me - actually even more so than many of their men - and i'm SO VERY PROUD of him and how he has got us through this so far, but i know he won't believe me. It's true.
Now things are looking more promising, he's starting to let the walls down a little. The tears - which he held back for my sake when I did all the crying - are starting to flow. It makes me well up when I think of how much he has retained and how full of longing he is for this baby.
I really hope I don't sound bitter. I'm not. I just feel closer to those of us who've been in the trenches and who are still there than I do to those haven't but at the same time, i know those of you still fighting will perhaps think we're a world apart. I know i've leapt one of the fences, but i'll never stop being an infertile.
I think i may have blathered on a bit long but i needed to get stuff of my chest. There's more, but it's not for now. There's also the mundane stuff, but i think i'll save you that stuff for another post.
BTW - today has been GORGEOUS here in London. 70 degrees plus and sunny. Bliss. Mr G and I met my parents for a lovely lunch at another favourite haunt - Cafe Med in St Johns Wood - where we sat out on their terrace eating delicious food and drinking wine - them not me. Perfect.
I've had a few issues with friends that have upset me a little and i've come to a realisation.
1. We will never be like them. "We" being us fertile-ly challenged folk and "them" being those lucky enough to have a baby more or less when they want one. I'm not sure if pregnancy for them is quite so stressful, because if anything were to go wrong, chances are, it would be a whole lot easier for them to get knocked up again. As it took many thousands of pounds and two and a half years of my life to get this far, the thought of having to start again is...unthinkable.
2. They're NEVER going to "get it". They think that just because Mr G and I are now knocked up, we are now just like them. To them, all the horrors of the last few years have faded away. Since news got out of our lucky break, we're receiving invitations from "babied-up" people who we've not socialised with once since we got married. "We MUST get together" they say. Why? Why are we suddenly eligible to join some club we were previously excluded from?
I didn't want to be part of that crowd before and I definitely don't now. I'm just not comfortable enough that TP is here for the duration and in any event - nothing's changed for us. We'll stick with the friends who've stuck with us, thank you very much, not the baby club folk.
3. They can plan. They're most likely booking ante-natal classes and planning births the minute those two magic lines show up. I still hold my breath and check the toilet paper every single time I wipe. Every single time. I'm not sure i'll ever stop - well, not until early November, that is.
I'm even still too superstitious to remove the boxes of various sanitary protection on the shelf behind our toilet. I might research some ante-natal classes this week - mainly because i keep being told they'll get booked up otherwise.
4. They (often) take the blessing of a child for granted and see reproduction as their natural right. (And maybe it is) They don't hold their breath each day that it might get taken away. I (silently) thank my lucky stars (and G-d) every morning, afternoon and evening for TP. Mr G and I really can't believe we've been so blessed but a part of us keeps expecting it to be taken away. How can we be allowed to be so happy?
5. They talk about their "first pregnancy" and are already planning their second. They take for granted that if they want more than one, that's what they'll have and often they take for granted being able to plan when that child or those children will be conceived. I know that if TP makes it to term and beyond, that will be it for us. We may adopt (if we can afford it) and that's what i'd like to do. But we won't be making any more babies. This pregnancy ain't my first, it is, most likely, my only.
6. Their men (that sounds a bit cave man) can strut around, peacock-like, chests thrust out with pride at how manly they are having impregnated their wives/girlfriends. I bought Mr G a book called "The Bloke's Guide to Pregnancy" which (unfortunately) bangs on and on about this part of pregnancy. It has made my gorgeous husband feel rubbish and even more emasculated because of how TP started out. I hate that. I could tell him a million times he's just as much of a man to me - actually even more so than many of their men - and i'm SO VERY PROUD of him and how he has got us through this so far, but i know he won't believe me. It's true.
Now things are looking more promising, he's starting to let the walls down a little. The tears - which he held back for my sake when I did all the crying - are starting to flow. It makes me well up when I think of how much he has retained and how full of longing he is for this baby.
I really hope I don't sound bitter. I'm not. I just feel closer to those of us who've been in the trenches and who are still there than I do to those haven't but at the same time, i know those of you still fighting will perhaps think we're a world apart. I know i've leapt one of the fences, but i'll never stop being an infertile.
I think i may have blathered on a bit long but i needed to get stuff of my chest. There's more, but it's not for now. There's also the mundane stuff, but i think i'll save you that stuff for another post.
BTW - today has been GORGEOUS here in London. 70 degrees plus and sunny. Bliss. Mr G and I met my parents for a lovely lunch at another favourite haunt - Cafe Med in St Johns Wood - where we sat out on their terrace eating delicious food and drinking wine - them not me. Perfect.
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