This must be a quick one as it's past my bedtime and i've got to be up at 5.30 (5.30!!) to leave at 6am to teach at a cookery school in one of London's Fish Markets. I'm very excited.
Reason for a quick blog is that I got in touch with the mag today to see what was going on. To be honest, i'd have left it but Mr G kept saying I should. I asked if they'd chosen and asked for feedback on the work i did.
I e mailed at 10am-ish and at 9pm got a response. After some blah about what a strong candidate I was and what a difficult choice it had been, the Editor said they'd chosen one of the others. Mr G was all huggy and kind but i'm not actually remotely worried! If they'd offered it to me i'd have been launched into super stress mode again.
In another lifetime i'd have wanted that job, but my life (at the moment) is about making building our family. That's the most important thing for Mr G and me.
Perhaps i'll feel let down in a few weeks - most likely after a failed IVF cycle (who's says i'm not an optimist) but for now, i'm too busy to be sad AND i'm doing a little upwards lap of that rollercoaster. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps i'll be able to ride it properly in a week or so....
Oh - watched Starter for Ten last night. Great British movie. Set in mid 80's - perfect for us later 30 somethings.
That was a short post.....night night xx
Monday, January 21, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Sunday sunday - warning, long post
I'm feeling v Sunday-ish. Outside it's grey and murky. Inside, i'm surrounded by this week's drying washing and piles of cookery books.
Friday's hysterosc.opy was uneventful. We were up at (still dark) 6.15am, out the house at 6.45am and at the clinic at 6.55am. There were already 2 other couples looking a bit jet lagged in the waiting room, 1 couple quizzing a nurse in reception about FET's. Another pair arrived before the nurses had even started showing up. I got the feeling we wouldn't be on any time soon.
This clinic so winds me up! After 35ish minutes sitting waiting I went into reception to ask what was going on. The chippy antipodean receptionist gave me short shrift and said we'd be called in about 10 mins. A couple of mins later, the theatre nurse appeared and called my name but at the same time gesturing to me that it wasn't my turn. Odd. Turned out one of the other girls had the same name as me. She was in to have a cyst removed, so lucky that got sorted.
When it was my turn. We went into the reception to sign some forms and Mr G was sent off to occupy himself for a couple of hours. (I think he was quite excited about his West End breakfast).
I was taken downstairs to the nurses locker room. A really bare room with cubby holes, a few hangers and lino floor. I was told to put on the (disposable) v see through surgical gown and a Mar.ks and S.pencer man's blue towelling dressing gown. I was given blue plastic bags for my feet and a surgical hat.
I was then led into a second room in which there were 6 trolleys lined up. On the first two were the girls who'd had egg collection. One was just waking. The other was lying with an oxygen mask over her face. Clutching my handbag, I was told to sit on a chair and wait. I'd passed my name twin walking into the theatre room. After not too long, they wheeled her back in on her trolley and they came for me. I was asked my name, told to put my hat on and get on the trolley. I had a joke with the anaesthetist whilst it shoved the iv into my arm and within minutes I was gone.
Next thing, i was waking up under the mask next to my name twin. I asked to take it off and slept some more. Then sat up for a polystyrene cup of tea and 2 digestive biscuits. I had a nice chat to her (also same age as me) and to the last trolley dolly - a girl who'd travelled miles - from S Wales - to the clinic.
Now here's the thing. This clinic takes (what i suspect must be) millions of pounds and they treat women like pieces of meat. Our partners/hubbies are pushed out the door and not there to support us pre and post op and really not made to feel part of the process at all. I lay on my trolley wondering why we put up with this treatment. Answer is...we're desperate and this clinic has the best scores in the whole of the UK.
Anyway - as i could have told them, my uteRus is immaculate. No polyps, no gunk and no stagnant water in me tubes. The previous dilation is still holding so no need to stretch me and apart from my cavity being only 7cm (av is apparently 8cm) nothing much to report.
Went home and lay listlessly - sleeping and grazing for the rest of Friday. How much do i hope my FSH behaves!
*************************************************************************************************************
A few other news items. Went to my best friend's 40th last night. It was a surprise for her and her sis-in-law arranged by their hubbies. Mr G and i were off the booze. Felt a bit self-conscious refusing champagne. No one mentioned our abstinence - not the place for a big IF discussion but it sat elephant like in the corner. It was interesting watching them all get more and more drunk. Felt pleased (and slightly smug) we'd managed to stay off the booze.
Met a girl at the party who had (aged 42) her son at the clinic we've just gone to. She's a huge fan of the Doc there and knows he's the best in town. She was v v supportive. She's been unable to do it again and has decided to give up. She had also spoken the to the same US doc we spoke to. He's obviously v good at his own publicity.
**************************************************************************************************************
Finally - Mistresses. New tv drama with 4 late 30 something girls. Two single - one enjoying it hugely and with lots of partners, another a Dr and mistress to a man (one of her patients) who'd just died, a third widowed in 9/11 and bringing up 2 girls and the last one, in her first year of marriage and trying for a baby for a year or so.
(Not terribly believably) her hubbie's the one reading the Fertility books and only interested in sha*gging at fertile times. She- fed up with BMS has an office sh*g with a workmate. Off she and her hubbie trot for a sper.m test and (surprise, surprise) he has v few sper.m. It's ICSI for them. He shuts down and won't talk. She goes back to the workmate. What next? PG by the workmate? That would seem obvious. What i'm dreading is a first time successful round of ICSI like in Brothers and Sisters. More misleading coverage of a couple having to do ART and succeeding instantly. No representation of the extended misery repeated cycles cause. I know it's only tv and it has to be watchable but it'd be nice for the fertiles to get a window into our world.
Interestingly, my fertile friends were discussing the plot at the party last night with no irony at all for Mr G and me - the living, breathing poster IF boy and girl in their midst.
Anyway, time to plan next week's food for my healthy eater client.
BTW - nothing at all from the magazine!! How rude!! I'm not bothered about the job but becoming angry that they've just left me - and I suppose one other candidate - hanging all this time! After all that work!! Outrageous!
Friday's hysterosc.opy was uneventful. We were up at (still dark) 6.15am, out the house at 6.45am and at the clinic at 6.55am. There were already 2 other couples looking a bit jet lagged in the waiting room, 1 couple quizzing a nurse in reception about FET's. Another pair arrived before the nurses had even started showing up. I got the feeling we wouldn't be on any time soon.
This clinic so winds me up! After 35ish minutes sitting waiting I went into reception to ask what was going on. The chippy antipodean receptionist gave me short shrift and said we'd be called in about 10 mins. A couple of mins later, the theatre nurse appeared and called my name but at the same time gesturing to me that it wasn't my turn. Odd. Turned out one of the other girls had the same name as me. She was in to have a cyst removed, so lucky that got sorted.
When it was my turn. We went into the reception to sign some forms and Mr G was sent off to occupy himself for a couple of hours. (I think he was quite excited about his West End breakfast).
I was taken downstairs to the nurses locker room. A really bare room with cubby holes, a few hangers and lino floor. I was told to put on the (disposable) v see through surgical gown and a Mar.ks and S.pencer man's blue towelling dressing gown. I was given blue plastic bags for my feet and a surgical hat.
I was then led into a second room in which there were 6 trolleys lined up. On the first two were the girls who'd had egg collection. One was just waking. The other was lying with an oxygen mask over her face. Clutching my handbag, I was told to sit on a chair and wait. I'd passed my name twin walking into the theatre room. After not too long, they wheeled her back in on her trolley and they came for me. I was asked my name, told to put my hat on and get on the trolley. I had a joke with the anaesthetist whilst it shoved the iv into my arm and within minutes I was gone.
Next thing, i was waking up under the mask next to my name twin. I asked to take it off and slept some more. Then sat up for a polystyrene cup of tea and 2 digestive biscuits. I had a nice chat to her (also same age as me) and to the last trolley dolly - a girl who'd travelled miles - from S Wales - to the clinic.
Now here's the thing. This clinic takes (what i suspect must be) millions of pounds and they treat women like pieces of meat. Our partners/hubbies are pushed out the door and not there to support us pre and post op and really not made to feel part of the process at all. I lay on my trolley wondering why we put up with this treatment. Answer is...we're desperate and this clinic has the best scores in the whole of the UK.
Anyway - as i could have told them, my uteRus is immaculate. No polyps, no gunk and no stagnant water in me tubes. The previous dilation is still holding so no need to stretch me and apart from my cavity being only 7cm (av is apparently 8cm) nothing much to report.
Went home and lay listlessly - sleeping and grazing for the rest of Friday. How much do i hope my FSH behaves!
*************************************************************************************************************
A few other news items. Went to my best friend's 40th last night. It was a surprise for her and her sis-in-law arranged by their hubbies. Mr G and i were off the booze. Felt a bit self-conscious refusing champagne. No one mentioned our abstinence - not the place for a big IF discussion but it sat elephant like in the corner. It was interesting watching them all get more and more drunk. Felt pleased (and slightly smug) we'd managed to stay off the booze.
Met a girl at the party who had (aged 42) her son at the clinic we've just gone to. She's a huge fan of the Doc there and knows he's the best in town. She was v v supportive. She's been unable to do it again and has decided to give up. She had also spoken the to the same US doc we spoke to. He's obviously v good at his own publicity.
**************************************************************************************************************
Finally - Mistresses. New tv drama with 4 late 30 something girls. Two single - one enjoying it hugely and with lots of partners, another a Dr and mistress to a man (one of her patients) who'd just died, a third widowed in 9/11 and bringing up 2 girls and the last one, in her first year of marriage and trying for a baby for a year or so.
(Not terribly believably) her hubbie's the one reading the Fertility books and only interested in sha*gging at fertile times. She- fed up with BMS has an office sh*g with a workmate. Off she and her hubbie trot for a sper.m test and (surprise, surprise) he has v few sper.m. It's ICSI for them. He shuts down and won't talk. She goes back to the workmate. What next? PG by the workmate? That would seem obvious. What i'm dreading is a first time successful round of ICSI like in Brothers and Sisters. More misleading coverage of a couple having to do ART and succeeding instantly. No representation of the extended misery repeated cycles cause. I know it's only tv and it has to be watchable but it'd be nice for the fertiles to get a window into our world.
Interestingly, my fertile friends were discussing the plot at the party last night with no irony at all for Mr G and me - the living, breathing poster IF boy and girl in their midst.
Anyway, time to plan next week's food for my healthy eater client.
BTW - nothing at all from the magazine!! How rude!! I'm not bothered about the job but becoming angry that they've just left me - and I suppose one other candidate - hanging all this time! After all that work!! Outrageous!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Smiling to myself
I'm feeling oddly cheery.
I've even had moments of jittery excitement. You know. That feeling you get before a hot date or before something you've been look forward to for ages - you know - that butterfly-ish slightly nervous but happy feeling in your tummy that makes you smile to yourself!
I'm not entirely sure why, as there's not a whole lot to be excited about. I've a hysteroscopy tomorrow morning - but i doubt it's the prospect of heavy sedation and a fat old needle in my hand which is has me feeling a little excitable. I'm hoping for reports of a sparkling ute(rus) and immaculate cervix. No lumps, bumps or UFO's please.
Once they've cleaned up my inner bits i'll be on countdown for the arrival of that bitchcow AF. Then the blood suckers will do their very worst and let me know if i'm ok to proceed with the next cycle. Hormones behaving and no dreaded cysts. That makes me a bit nervous, but so far, so not losing much (any) sleep over that one.
I'm sure i'm readying up for a full-on stress out over it. I said Mr G this morning that we should have some sort of fall-back if this clinic won't let me cycle. If we're not a go this month, that will be 7 months without a cycle and at 39 (and a twelfth) with a diminishing batch of eggs, that's not too clever. I CAN'T believe it's been that long since my last cycle! I might see if our old Doc will do the do if the new clinic won't.
So...why am I excited? Who knows... Perhaps it's the new client I picked up today - who wants me to cook all her detox meals for the foreseeable future and deliver them to her (hurrah!) or the extra piece I persuaded my regular paper to take from me. OR is it that Mr G's hugely hard work of that last year seems to starting to pay off. With the new year he's seeing a real upturn in business. We're not about to start shopping at Fo.rtnums (v posh London food shop) or even Ocad.o (expensive home grocery delivery but things are feeling a whole lot brighter.
So....i'll enjoy feeling this way - let's face it, the positive moments for us IF-ers are not to be taken for granted - and hope it lasts! xx
I've even had moments of jittery excitement. You know. That feeling you get before a hot date or before something you've been look forward to for ages - you know - that butterfly-ish slightly nervous but happy feeling in your tummy that makes you smile to yourself!
I'm not entirely sure why, as there's not a whole lot to be excited about. I've a hysteroscopy tomorrow morning - but i doubt it's the prospect of heavy sedation and a fat old needle in my hand which is has me feeling a little excitable. I'm hoping for reports of a sparkling ute(rus) and immaculate cervix. No lumps, bumps or UFO's please.
Once they've cleaned up my inner bits i'll be on countdown for the arrival of that bitchcow AF. Then the blood suckers will do their very worst and let me know if i'm ok to proceed with the next cycle. Hormones behaving and no dreaded cysts. That makes me a bit nervous, but so far, so not losing much (any) sleep over that one.
I'm sure i'm readying up for a full-on stress out over it. I said Mr G this morning that we should have some sort of fall-back if this clinic won't let me cycle. If we're not a go this month, that will be 7 months without a cycle and at 39 (and a twelfth) with a diminishing batch of eggs, that's not too clever. I CAN'T believe it's been that long since my last cycle! I might see if our old Doc will do the do if the new clinic won't.
So...why am I excited? Who knows... Perhaps it's the new client I picked up today - who wants me to cook all her detox meals for the foreseeable future and deliver them to her (hurrah!) or the extra piece I persuaded my regular paper to take from me. OR is it that Mr G's hugely hard work of that last year seems to starting to pay off. With the new year he's seeing a real upturn in business. We're not about to start shopping at Fo.rtnums (v posh London food shop) or even Ocad.o (expensive home grocery delivery but things are feeling a whole lot brighter.
So....i'll enjoy feeling this way - let's face it, the positive moments for us IF-ers are not to be taken for granted - and hope it lasts! xx
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Relaxed...
I feel as laid back as this kitty. Apart from the lingering tummy bug, I've had a much more relaxing weekend than i've had in a while. No interview stress and no work.
The magazine said they'd be in touch by Friday as they had to make a decision by then. I didn't hear anything and had butterflies every time my phone rang. Honestly, I didn't really want to hear from them. I'm actually relieved.
I actually had a great day on friday, visiting one of the schools I teach at in the morning. They've just moved to a new site and it's GORGEOUS. I love teaching and i felt really excited about getting in there. I also had a call from a school based at a huge London fish market. I'd been recommended to them and they want me to come in and do a class. If we get on then they'll send me on their fish knife skills course and for a mkt tour. That's SO exciting!! Also, one of my old pupils had got in touch and wants more lessons. There's so much for me to do and I love the freedom of not being office based.
This weekend, Mr G and I took time out. I baked - a blueberry, apricot and yoghurt cake for my in-laws and a chocolate marble cake for my auntie and uncle today. I've just bought this book
and i'm loving trying new recipes from it. Saturday was so sunny I was inspired to get outside and stay there. I washed all of our windows, and sorted out my lavender plants and tidied up my pots too. We met my in-laws for supper and that was great. A bit too great, as I got carried away eating (artichoke salad, duck breast, mashed potato and red cabbage AND apple crumble with ice cream) and sent my delicate tum back into a spin. (Too greedy for my own good)
Today we had a lazy morning. Papers, tea and toast. Then went to visit my auntie and uncle in their new flat. They live 30 mins from us but it feels like miles. We're in built up suburbia and they're in green fields. Mr G and i are inspired to get moving. It'd be great to get ourselves to a bigger home.
Anyway, it's been nice to have a stress free weekend. The only stress has been an IT issue. Mr G's laptop has crashed and BURNED. Hard disk is - in the words of our IT guru - "pooped". Mr G's been stressing about it all weekend as he needs to work and it has gone to the Mac Hospital to be rebuilt. Add to that an I-Phone dropping incident that incurred a nasty scratch and you've got yourself a grumpy husband.
We're in a lull. I so hope I get to cycle next month. My fingers are crossed that my FSH behaves and stays low at the start of my next cycle. If it leaps i won't be allowed to cycle by my new clinic. As there's nothing I can do I just have to stay calm and wait to see... I'm not thinking about the "what if's" of not being able to cycle. I'll deal with it as and when. Worrying can only harm my chances.
I read on Reality's blog that this weekend you lurkers must come out of the closet and show yourselves. If anyone's lurking - show yourselves and i'll welcome you with open arms xx
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Noro.virus
What a day!
I woke up this morning (day of the most talked about interview of all time) feeling totally rubbish. Symptoms? For the hypochondriac - the very same as the norovirus - or for those less dramatic - a nasty attack of food poisoning. After an hour in bed and another taking it easy, I decided i'd go to the interview anyway. Was a bit concerned about poisoning the interviewers by passing on my germs, but took the view that if they'd interviewed me on Monday they wouldn't have put themselves at risk. I just couldn't wait any longer.
Took a taxi to their office with all my shopping and arrived a bit early. Whilst waiting in reception, the interviewee before me walked out. She was someone from my year at Chef School!! I smiled but she blanked me. maybe didn't recognise me but i'm not so sure. She's an Oxbridge grad only about 24 yrs old and extremely self important. That really threw me. Obsessed a while about whether she'd be better than me at the job.
Then I got called up to the magazine's floor and into the kitchen to prep my food. It was so stressful - not knowing where anything was! I managed to make my three meals in about 1 hr 20mins. A lemon and parsley chicken salad, sun dried tomato panzanella and chermoula salmon with dill creme fraiche and fennel, cucumber and pomegranate salad. Then the interviewers came in to taste the food. It was mostly ok but as i was explaining what i'd done, i realised i'd forgotten to put salt in the chermoula and it tasted RANK! Darn, darn, darn!! It was also overcooked - i wasn't really on top of their oven. I was SO cross with myself. I cook that all the time and just missed it!
The interview that followed was ok. Nothing too taxing, just some silly questions which I didn't answer that well. They asked how my friends would describe me in 3 words. I HATE those questions! Since then i've thought of some great answers but put on the spot I gave pathetic "non" answers i'm too embarassed even to relate to you!
I'm totally mixed as to whether or not I want the job. I really will be ok with it either way. If i DO get it i'll stress about fitting IVF in but i'm sure i'll manage. If I DON'T then i'll have to sort out my professional life as there's too little going on just now. They're going to let us know tomorrow.
Instead of going straight home i went via an employment agency and signed up for freelance chef work. I'm going to fill in the gaps this year and really make a living. No loafing around waiting for life to happen. I'm really going to go for IVF but in between i'm also going to get my life moving again AND Mr G and i are going to do some weekends away. We need some vacation time in new places.
But having said all of that i am, for now, on the sofa feeling exhausted and quite a bit nauseous. I'm not moving anywhere tonight but I figure i've earned this evening off.
Did I mention i went to see the Spice Girls on tuesday night? It wasn't bad. First hour was good...and enough. Mrs Beckham is a joke! I'm glad I saw them though. Had a good boogie and singalong.
btw - thanks so much lovely Leah for your kind offer of a place to stay. Big hug to you - you are v lovely. The clinic's in NYC - where are you?
I'll let you all know about tomorrow's events. xx
I woke up this morning (day of the most talked about interview of all time) feeling totally rubbish. Symptoms? For the hypochondriac - the very same as the norovirus - or for those less dramatic - a nasty attack of food poisoning. After an hour in bed and another taking it easy, I decided i'd go to the interview anyway. Was a bit concerned about poisoning the interviewers by passing on my germs, but took the view that if they'd interviewed me on Monday they wouldn't have put themselves at risk. I just couldn't wait any longer.
Took a taxi to their office with all my shopping and arrived a bit early. Whilst waiting in reception, the interviewee before me walked out. She was someone from my year at Chef School!! I smiled but she blanked me. maybe didn't recognise me but i'm not so sure. She's an Oxbridge grad only about 24 yrs old and extremely self important. That really threw me. Obsessed a while about whether she'd be better than me at the job.
Then I got called up to the magazine's floor and into the kitchen to prep my food. It was so stressful - not knowing where anything was! I managed to make my three meals in about 1 hr 20mins. A lemon and parsley chicken salad, sun dried tomato panzanella and chermoula salmon with dill creme fraiche and fennel, cucumber and pomegranate salad. Then the interviewers came in to taste the food. It was mostly ok but as i was explaining what i'd done, i realised i'd forgotten to put salt in the chermoula and it tasted RANK! Darn, darn, darn!! It was also overcooked - i wasn't really on top of their oven. I was SO cross with myself. I cook that all the time and just missed it!
The interview that followed was ok. Nothing too taxing, just some silly questions which I didn't answer that well. They asked how my friends would describe me in 3 words. I HATE those questions! Since then i've thought of some great answers but put on the spot I gave pathetic "non" answers i'm too embarassed even to relate to you!
I'm totally mixed as to whether or not I want the job. I really will be ok with it either way. If i DO get it i'll stress about fitting IVF in but i'm sure i'll manage. If I DON'T then i'll have to sort out my professional life as there's too little going on just now. They're going to let us know tomorrow.
Instead of going straight home i went via an employment agency and signed up for freelance chef work. I'm going to fill in the gaps this year and really make a living. No loafing around waiting for life to happen. I'm really going to go for IVF but in between i'm also going to get my life moving again AND Mr G and i are going to do some weekends away. We need some vacation time in new places.
But having said all of that i am, for now, on the sofa feeling exhausted and quite a bit nauseous. I'm not moving anywhere tonight but I figure i've earned this evening off.
Did I mention i went to see the Spice Girls on tuesday night? It wasn't bad. First hour was good...and enough. Mrs Beckham is a joke! I'm glad I saw them though. Had a good boogie and singalong.
btw - thanks so much lovely Leah for your kind offer of a place to stay. Big hug to you - you are v lovely. The clinic's in NYC - where are you?
I'll let you all know about tomorrow's events. xx
Monday, January 07, 2008
Just a quick one...
...because it's past my bedtime and i'm TIRED!
I've been busily creating recipes for the last week. It's amazing what a project the whole job interview has become. By last night I had a nice plastic wallet folder filled with my recipes and ideas. I got up early this morning to go to buy the last ingredients for the food I was to cook for the interview. The interview was due to be at 12.30pm.
At 10am my home phone rang. I left it - as you do when you're busily fretting over last minute stuff and still not showered or dressed for an interview. When my mobile (cell) rang I had to pick up. It was the editor of the mag i'm going to see telling me the interview is to be postponed because one of the interviewers is "working at home today". WORKING AT HOME!!!! I've worked my NUTS off on this project and they can't even be bothered to come in to meet me!!!! The interview is postponed until thursday.
I was so looking forward to having it all over with too! Never mind. I can filly fally around with it now for 2 more days!...
Not much else to report. Not at nearly midnight anyway. Had phone consult with a US I.F Dr. He was recommended by a friend of a friend who succeeded on IVF TEN - her second with him.... He has a chain of clinics but she saw him in NY.
It was v interesting but he did seem a little financially driven. I've googled him and a piece in the NY Times said much the same. He did have some interesting ideas but made me wonder if the Dr's in the UK are getting me all wrong. His view was that the protocol being used on me is all wrong....Hmmmm.....Is he just making one big sales pitch or should I be on the next plane to the big country??? Mr G and I felt all a bit shell shocked by the talk but slept on it and are sticking with our London clinic for now. We just need to be getting on with another cycle really. We'll ask the London clinic about some of what US Dr had to say.
That's all for tonight. I'm off to read my book - the second book by the man who wrote The Kite Ru.nner. The film inspired me to read the book. It has a lot of same stuff as the KR - obviously the life experience of the writer. It's v moving and actually has some IF themes. Worth a read and I can't wait to get to bed and read a bit more!!
I was going to moan about a newly pregnanct fellow IVF'er - who has just found out she has twins inside but keeps on calling me to moan how crap she's feeling. I want to shout BE GRATEFUL LADY this is what you've been trying for for 5 years, but i'm too polite. It was her 7th IVF (6th fresh cycle) so she deserves it. I just wish she wouldn't moan so much about it. I'd love to be as sick as she is.....really!
Night night. My book calls xx
I've been busily creating recipes for the last week. It's amazing what a project the whole job interview has become. By last night I had a nice plastic wallet folder filled with my recipes and ideas. I got up early this morning to go to buy the last ingredients for the food I was to cook for the interview. The interview was due to be at 12.30pm.
At 10am my home phone rang. I left it - as you do when you're busily fretting over last minute stuff and still not showered or dressed for an interview. When my mobile (cell) rang I had to pick up. It was the editor of the mag i'm going to see telling me the interview is to be postponed because one of the interviewers is "working at home today". WORKING AT HOME!!!! I've worked my NUTS off on this project and they can't even be bothered to come in to meet me!!!! The interview is postponed until thursday.
I was so looking forward to having it all over with too! Never mind. I can filly fally around with it now for 2 more days!...
Not much else to report. Not at nearly midnight anyway. Had phone consult with a US I.F Dr. He was recommended by a friend of a friend who succeeded on IVF TEN - her second with him.... He has a chain of clinics but she saw him in NY.
It was v interesting but he did seem a little financially driven. I've googled him and a piece in the NY Times said much the same. He did have some interesting ideas but made me wonder if the Dr's in the UK are getting me all wrong. His view was that the protocol being used on me is all wrong....Hmmmm.....Is he just making one big sales pitch or should I be on the next plane to the big country??? Mr G and I felt all a bit shell shocked by the talk but slept on it and are sticking with our London clinic for now. We just need to be getting on with another cycle really. We'll ask the London clinic about some of what US Dr had to say.
That's all for tonight. I'm off to read my book - the second book by the man who wrote The Kite Ru.nner. The film inspired me to read the book. It has a lot of same stuff as the KR - obviously the life experience of the writer. It's v moving and actually has some IF themes. Worth a read and I can't wait to get to bed and read a bit more!!
I was going to moan about a newly pregnanct fellow IVF'er - who has just found out she has twins inside but keeps on calling me to moan how crap she's feeling. I want to shout BE GRATEFUL LADY this is what you've been trying for for 5 years, but i'm too polite. It was her 7th IVF (6th fresh cycle) so she deserves it. I just wish she wouldn't moan so much about it. I'd love to be as sick as she is.....really!
Night night. My book calls xx
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
PS - one great big positive
An apology to you all.
In my list of the plusses in my life failed to include one of the biggest. All of you!
I'm not sure how i'd have survived the last (nearly) 2 years without you all. Whether I know you as a name and web page or whether i've managed to meet you in person
.
I wonder how girls survived IF before the days of the internet. They must have felt so alone and isolated.
Thank you girls.
Enough gushing. I've recipes to create!!!
In my list of the plusses in my life failed to include one of the biggest. All of you!
I'm not sure how i'd have survived the last (nearly) 2 years without you all. Whether I know you as a name and web page or whether i've managed to meet you in person
. I wonder how girls survived IF before the days of the internet. They must have felt so alone and isolated.
Thank you girls.
Enough gushing. I've recipes to create!!!
Happy New Year?
That's the $50M question. Will this year be happier than the last? I sincerely hope so.
Firstly - apologies for my depressive mood. Things are v up and down around here. It's hormone central.
As you might have guessed my whisper of hope for a miraculous conception was misplaced. On the morning of NYE my period showed up in full force and made my life fairly uncomfortable for a couple of days. My body most certainly made me pay for the December Men.opur-athon. The bright side of that news is that i'm booked in for the Hysterosco.py i need to have to get moving on the next cycle.
In general, Mr G and I are at quite a low ebb. We started 2007 with one failed IVF under our belts, but with IVF 2 on the way. In 12 months we've had 2 more failed IVF's - 3 if you count the cancelled cycle last month - under our belts. With money and work stresses and fertility struggles forming a big, fat grey cloud over most of our year, we've both felt a bit blue.
Yesterday, I asked Mr G what his high points of 2007 were. He said he hadn't had any. I told him off and said there MUST be something... We eventually came up with his surprise 40th birthday party and various treats I laid on for him.
He didn't push me for my highs, but the thing is, after giving him a hard time for being negative, i'm not sure I can come up with a high for me at all. Ask me about 2006 and my high points are easy-peasy lemon squeezy! We had our wonderful wedding and honeymoon. Just after we got back, I can remember feeling SO full of happiness I could have burst. Here I was, newly married to my soulmate with our lives ahead of us. I hadn't felt that happy in so long. At the time (miserable cow that I am) I worried that such a high couldn't last. It just seemed too good to be true. It was.
Shortly after that, we got the "severe impairment" news about Mr G's twitchers - the swimmers that don't swim. That started to wear away at my joy. I still had hope though. IVF ICSI was going to save the day, so it wasn't all bad. As time has gone on and the treatments have stacked up the sadness has more constantly been knocking at my door and I haven't felt that happy since.
I'm generally of a sunny nature and of course I've had good moments - sunny mornings, a chilled out lunch on the beach this summer with Mr G, dancing at a friend's wedding, being enveloped in big hugs from my gorgeous husband - but mostly, i've felt sad. I HATE what this has done to me. To us.
BUT - that's not to say I'm not aware of the positives in my life -
1. I have a wonderful husband
2. We have close and loving parents
3. We have a roof over our heads
4. We're both healthy.
5. We both have friends to speak to if we need to; and
6. We can - for a short time - afford to keep trying IVF the foreseeable future
SO - i'm going to keep looking on the bright side. This year WILL be different. We'll keep on trying. We're about to try out the top performing clinic in London AND we've got our N.HS cycle coming up. BUT we'll have to draw a line under this at some point and we're going to end the year (by which time i'll have reached the big "Four Oh") with some resolution. Whether we've gone to ED or started on the road to adoption I fully intend to be closer to having a famly.
Many congrats to those of my fellow bloggers who've been treated to BFP's for Christmas. Well done girls!
A very Happy New Year to all. I promise my next post will be brimming with happy and interesting news! I will not stay in this pity party hole for long.
Firstly - apologies for my depressive mood. Things are v up and down around here. It's hormone central.
As you might have guessed my whisper of hope for a miraculous conception was misplaced. On the morning of NYE my period showed up in full force and made my life fairly uncomfortable for a couple of days. My body most certainly made me pay for the December Men.opur-athon. The bright side of that news is that i'm booked in for the Hysterosco.py i need to have to get moving on the next cycle.
In general, Mr G and I are at quite a low ebb. We started 2007 with one failed IVF under our belts, but with IVF 2 on the way. In 12 months we've had 2 more failed IVF's - 3 if you count the cancelled cycle last month - under our belts. With money and work stresses and fertility struggles forming a big, fat grey cloud over most of our year, we've both felt a bit blue.
Yesterday, I asked Mr G what his high points of 2007 were. He said he hadn't had any. I told him off and said there MUST be something... We eventually came up with his surprise 40th birthday party and various treats I laid on for him.
He didn't push me for my highs, but the thing is, after giving him a hard time for being negative, i'm not sure I can come up with a high for me at all. Ask me about 2006 and my high points are easy-peasy lemon squeezy! We had our wonderful wedding and honeymoon. Just after we got back, I can remember feeling SO full of happiness I could have burst. Here I was, newly married to my soulmate with our lives ahead of us. I hadn't felt that happy in so long. At the time (miserable cow that I am) I worried that such a high couldn't last. It just seemed too good to be true. It was.
Shortly after that, we got the "severe impairment" news about Mr G's twitchers - the swimmers that don't swim. That started to wear away at my joy. I still had hope though. IVF ICSI was going to save the day, so it wasn't all bad. As time has gone on and the treatments have stacked up the sadness has more constantly been knocking at my door and I haven't felt that happy since.
I'm generally of a sunny nature and of course I've had good moments - sunny mornings, a chilled out lunch on the beach this summer with Mr G, dancing at a friend's wedding, being enveloped in big hugs from my gorgeous husband - but mostly, i've felt sad. I HATE what this has done to me. To us.
BUT - that's not to say I'm not aware of the positives in my life -
1. I have a wonderful husband
2. We have close and loving parents
3. We have a roof over our heads
4. We're both healthy.
5. We both have friends to speak to if we need to; and
6. We can - for a short time - afford to keep trying IVF the foreseeable future
SO - i'm going to keep looking on the bright side. This year WILL be different. We'll keep on trying. We're about to try out the top performing clinic in London AND we've got our N.HS cycle coming up. BUT we'll have to draw a line under this at some point and we're going to end the year (by which time i'll have reached the big "Four Oh") with some resolution. Whether we've gone to ED or started on the road to adoption I fully intend to be closer to having a famly.
Many congrats to those of my fellow bloggers who've been treated to BFP's for Christmas. Well done girls!
A very Happy New Year to all. I promise my next post will be brimming with happy and interesting news! I will not stay in this pity party hole for long.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Lazy blogger
I've been too lazy to blog the last few days. Whilst I've been lurking about and making the odd comment, but not really in the mood to SHARE.
I'm starting to feel a bit immersed in IF. Too many appointments with Dr Google and too many hours spent trawling blogs and chat rooms for hopeful stories of success. Unhealthy.
Entirely without logic, i feel cheated of my chance for a BFP this month. I KNOW that it was extremely unlikely that i'd have got to that stage, but my false start cycle makes me feel somehow like the shi++y clinic deprived me of my chance. There have been so many BFP's in my universe, I feel it should've been my turn. I know that sounds mad, but this whole thing is kind of crazy.
Also mad is that i've been harbouring a strange (and even more illogical) hope that I might have pulled off the (might as well be) immaculate conception. Well, not so much immaculate as impossible. The thing is, i've got the sorest, swollen bosoms since my last 2WW. I don't normally get these symptoms outisde of an I.VF cycle, so my mind's started to wander... What if I pushed out more than one egg after my week on high dose Men.opur AND what if my tight os (cervix to you) was stretched to super highway status allowing maybe, just maybe one of Mr G's twitchers to shimmy on up, but then there'd have to be another "what if". What if one of Mr G's twitchers actually had a proper fully fledged tail...?
As you can see and as I type this I know it's an entirely misplaced hope, but the cruelty of IF does give you these false hopes. I almost didn't share as I know this is too far fetched to be worthy of the time spent (a) writing and (b) reading it.
Anyway, as i now have period pains and monstrous PMT, i'm sure this little fantasy will be over before we're out of 2007. Then we can plan cycle 4.5, or at least get the prep out of the way.
Enough of my crazy fantasies. We had a lovely Christmas. Mr G and I visited my Auntie and Uncle. They have a 4 yr old who's v sweet and we had a lovely relaxed day with them all. Ate (so much I was in pain for several hours afterwards) and then lounged around in their newly dug out basement with 8 foot cinema screen and HD TV. We hung out with them from 1pm until 10pm. On Boxing Day (a quaintly English day, I know) we took a v long walk to the cinema where we watched The Kite Runner, which was fantastic. It's set in Afghanistan and is a beautiful story. I got highly emotional though and at one point was so tearful thought i'd have to leave! (Won't share why or will ruin plot line)
Yesterday i met up with 2 girls from my MindBody group. They're both in their early 30's. One has decided to adopt and the other will do one more IV.F (she got OHSS on her first) before moving to adoption. They were talking about how you're in a better position to adopt in your early 30's, sending me into a panic about how perhaps we should be doing that sooner rather than later! I cooked supper for another Uncle and his wife last night. Homemade butternut squash soup (great recipe - you don't even peel the squash!), roasted whole sea bass with braised red cabbage and sauteed new potatoes and then griddled chestnut panettone with plums poachedin spiced red wine and creme fraiche.
Today, Mr G and I are off to the Cotswolds - 2 hrs NW of London and full of picture book perfect quaint villages. The weather is forecast to rain and perhaps snow!! Still, we're just going to cosy up, read and relax for 3 days. Back on NYE.
That's all my news. I'll catch up on all of yours when I get back on 31st Dec. I've a lot riding on 2008 - it's the year of action! xx
I'm starting to feel a bit immersed in IF. Too many appointments with Dr Google and too many hours spent trawling blogs and chat rooms for hopeful stories of success. Unhealthy.
Entirely without logic, i feel cheated of my chance for a BFP this month. I KNOW that it was extremely unlikely that i'd have got to that stage, but my false start cycle makes me feel somehow like the shi++y clinic deprived me of my chance. There have been so many BFP's in my universe, I feel it should've been my turn. I know that sounds mad, but this whole thing is kind of crazy.
Also mad is that i've been harbouring a strange (and even more illogical) hope that I might have pulled off the (might as well be) immaculate conception. Well, not so much immaculate as impossible. The thing is, i've got the sorest, swollen bosoms since my last 2WW. I don't normally get these symptoms outisde of an I.VF cycle, so my mind's started to wander... What if I pushed out more than one egg after my week on high dose Men.opur AND what if my tight os (cervix to you) was stretched to super highway status allowing maybe, just maybe one of Mr G's twitchers to shimmy on up, but then there'd have to be another "what if". What if one of Mr G's twitchers actually had a proper fully fledged tail...?
As you can see and as I type this I know it's an entirely misplaced hope, but the cruelty of IF does give you these false hopes. I almost didn't share as I know this is too far fetched to be worthy of the time spent (a) writing and (b) reading it.
Anyway, as i now have period pains and monstrous PMT, i'm sure this little fantasy will be over before we're out of 2007. Then we can plan cycle 4.5, or at least get the prep out of the way.
Enough of my crazy fantasies. We had a lovely Christmas. Mr G and I visited my Auntie and Uncle. They have a 4 yr old who's v sweet and we had a lovely relaxed day with them all. Ate (so much I was in pain for several hours afterwards) and then lounged around in their newly dug out basement with 8 foot cinema screen and HD TV. We hung out with them from 1pm until 10pm. On Boxing Day (a quaintly English day, I know) we took a v long walk to the cinema where we watched The Kite Runner, which was fantastic. It's set in Afghanistan and is a beautiful story. I got highly emotional though and at one point was so tearful thought i'd have to leave! (Won't share why or will ruin plot line)
Yesterday i met up with 2 girls from my MindBody group. They're both in their early 30's. One has decided to adopt and the other will do one more IV.F (she got OHSS on her first) before moving to adoption. They were talking about how you're in a better position to adopt in your early 30's, sending me into a panic about how perhaps we should be doing that sooner rather than later! I cooked supper for another Uncle and his wife last night. Homemade butternut squash soup (great recipe - you don't even peel the squash!), roasted whole sea bass with braised red cabbage and sauteed new potatoes and then griddled chestnut panettone with plums poachedin spiced red wine and creme fraiche.
Today, Mr G and I are off to the Cotswolds - 2 hrs NW of London and full of picture book perfect quaint villages. The weather is forecast to rain and perhaps snow!! Still, we're just going to cosy up, read and relax for 3 days. Back on NYE.
That's all my news. I'll catch up on all of yours when I get back on 31st Dec. I've a lot riding on 2008 - it's the year of action! xx
Friday, December 21, 2007
Thank heaven for blogger girls
What would I do without the support of the blogger girls?
I've had some really good advice from so many of you. Thank you so much. In particular, thanks Thalia for your experienced feedback. It does seem possible to combine new job and new clinic.
All I've got to do now is actually GET the job! They've sent me the HUGEST task to do for the next interview. I have to write so several features worth of recipes and then go in and cook three of them for them to try!! It seems a little cheeky for such a junior role (which it is) but they'll definitely know if I can write and cook! It'll give me a very good idea of the job too. Best thing about it is that I truly love leafing through food mags and cookery books and planning recipes, so it doesn't feel remotely like work. I'm planning to spend most of today doing it. I'm working tonight - teaching at a new cookery school, which should be interesting.
I've had a weird week. V up and down. Cried on the phone to my Mummy in Australia. I was doing really well being upbeat and calm about events of the last couple of weeks but something just triggered the tears and out they came...and I thought i'd been doing so well. That opened a Pandora's box of emotion and I've continued to blub on and off at inappropriate moments. I suppose it's to be expected.
I'm also having a bit of a hard time with the various BFP's which seem to be plentiful at the moment. Don't get me wrong, i'm pleased for all the lucky ladies and am encouraged by them, but I feel so left behind. It's been MONTHS since my last proper cycle and i'm not a woman with months left in her reproductively!!! Part of me wants to go running back to Dr Big Hair and beg him to let me cycle AT ONCE! I suppose it's better to give my ovaries a month to calm down after they had a week of heavy duty stimming....but I just want to feel that i'm DOING SOMETHING!!!
Mr G and I have also had a few fights. He's stressed with work and (probably) with our failed cycle. The way things have worked out - with his work and our next (hoped for) cycle we're not going to get a holiday and we really could do with one. We're being brave, but neither of us are that happy about being all alone in London this festive period with his folks and mine off visiting our siblings in foreign parts. It's just too bad and we're old enough to know better, but it's another downer.
Enough whinging! I'm sorry for (what's turned into) a mammoth vent.
I have had some good bits this week. I met up with the very lovely and impressive Almamay (of Almamay dot blogspot dot com - apologies for my rubbish inability to include a link) this week. We had supper at a very nice restaurant in Kin.gs X and then went to a grobby (ie: full of old men with no teeth watchng soccer on a big screen) pub for more talking. We could've talked for days. If it was a date i'd have definitely thought i was well in! I'm sure we'll meet again - perhaps she could teach me how to post links etc!!
Right - time to plan some recipes! Well done to the BFP's and a BIG hug to those less fortunate. Go give Becks (One Miracles Needed) a lot of love after her 3rd BFN. Good luck to those still waiting. xx
I've had some really good advice from so many of you. Thank you so much. In particular, thanks Thalia for your experienced feedback. It does seem possible to combine new job and new clinic.
All I've got to do now is actually GET the job! They've sent me the HUGEST task to do for the next interview. I have to write so several features worth of recipes and then go in and cook three of them for them to try!! It seems a little cheeky for such a junior role (which it is) but they'll definitely know if I can write and cook! It'll give me a very good idea of the job too. Best thing about it is that I truly love leafing through food mags and cookery books and planning recipes, so it doesn't feel remotely like work. I'm planning to spend most of today doing it. I'm working tonight - teaching at a new cookery school, which should be interesting.
I've had a weird week. V up and down. Cried on the phone to my Mummy in Australia. I was doing really well being upbeat and calm about events of the last couple of weeks but something just triggered the tears and out they came...and I thought i'd been doing so well. That opened a Pandora's box of emotion and I've continued to blub on and off at inappropriate moments. I suppose it's to be expected.
I'm also having a bit of a hard time with the various BFP's which seem to be plentiful at the moment. Don't get me wrong, i'm pleased for all the lucky ladies and am encouraged by them, but I feel so left behind. It's been MONTHS since my last proper cycle and i'm not a woman with months left in her reproductively!!! Part of me wants to go running back to Dr Big Hair and beg him to let me cycle AT ONCE! I suppose it's better to give my ovaries a month to calm down after they had a week of heavy duty stimming....but I just want to feel that i'm DOING SOMETHING!!!
Mr G and I have also had a few fights. He's stressed with work and (probably) with our failed cycle. The way things have worked out - with his work and our next (hoped for) cycle we're not going to get a holiday and we really could do with one. We're being brave, but neither of us are that happy about being all alone in London this festive period with his folks and mine off visiting our siblings in foreign parts. It's just too bad and we're old enough to know better, but it's another downer.
Enough whinging! I'm sorry for (what's turned into) a mammoth vent.
I have had some good bits this week. I met up with the very lovely and impressive Almamay (of Almamay dot blogspot dot com - apologies for my rubbish inability to include a link) this week. We had supper at a very nice restaurant in Kin.gs X and then went to a grobby (ie: full of old men with no teeth watchng soccer on a big screen) pub for more talking. We could've talked for days. If it was a date i'd have definitely thought i was well in! I'm sure we'll meet again - perhaps she could teach me how to post links etc!!
Right - time to plan some recipes! Well done to the BFP's and a BIG hug to those less fortunate. Go give Becks (One Miracles Needed) a lot of love after her 3rd BFN. Good luck to those still waiting. xx
Monday, December 17, 2007
Food for thought
Well, what a week its been. My head's whirling with it all.
I've managed to stay relatively "up" after last week's disappointment. I keep waiting for the come down I seem to be ok DESPITE the unrelenting frenzy surrounding us as people spend, spend spend like they'll never be able to buy anything ever again. I'm not sure i've ever been so bemused by the festive rush.
We had our appt today with the clinic that scared us off last time. The Dr we saw was ready and waiting for us and totally charming. He'd clearly read our file inside out and had loads to say about what he saw. He took us at great length through all that they'd do to (a) maximise our chances of producing decent embryos and (b) to then improve the possibility of the embryo(s) implanting. It all got fairly complicated but we just about followed.
My immune tests are pretty normal but with a few slightly elevated responses. On their own the responses would be nothing to concern, but collectively, they may need to treat me for them. The treatment would involved ster.oids, Hep.arin and the infamous IV.Ig. He didn't dwell on that as it's a long way off.
He also thought the cancelled cycle had something to do with the cyst and perhaps the different drug regime. He wants me to take a month to recover from the last cycle and then we can start again next month. The last fiasco has made me suspicious. They told me they didn't want us to waste our money and now this clinic want to treat us, i harbour suspicions that they're just after our money! Never satisfied, but I suppose my reaction's only natural. Who do you trust?!!
I'll have a Hyst.eroscopy mid-cycle next month and, if my horm.one tests (FSH, LH, Oestradiol and Prolactin) check out ok, we'll start IV.F 4.5 from the end of Jan. If my horm.ones have shot up then we'll have to wait until they come down. Soooooooo, we are, once again, at the mercy of my body and another bunch of men and women in scrubs. We'd like to fit in a holiday at some point, but that's looking less and less likely until we get this cycle done.
Oh, one last news item. I applied for a really exciting job a couple of weeks ago as a cookery writer on one of the greatest food mags. Didn't really give it much thought. Someone had sent me the job ad, so i emailed off my CV. A week later I got called to interview and today they called me back with 2 others for a final interview! It's a job i'd have cut my leg off for not so long ago. Now i'm in turmoil over it. What if I get it?! How can take a job when I know i'm about to do IV.F? Mr G told me to shut up worrying as I don't actually have the job yet. I suppose he's right, but what if?!!
This is all so unfair - if I do get offered the job i'd effectively have to choose between that or IVF. I can't have both. If I was trying naturally, no one would even need to know about it. I wouldn't have to keep running off for blood tests and scans. I wouldn't have to worry that the stress of a new job might ruin my chances of success. Anyway, I don't actually have the job yet. I'll do the worrying if they offer it to me. it just doesn't seem fair. Men don't have these issues.
Time to go to bed.
I've managed to stay relatively "up" after last week's disappointment. I keep waiting for the come down I seem to be ok DESPITE the unrelenting frenzy surrounding us as people spend, spend spend like they'll never be able to buy anything ever again. I'm not sure i've ever been so bemused by the festive rush.
We had our appt today with the clinic that scared us off last time. The Dr we saw was ready and waiting for us and totally charming. He'd clearly read our file inside out and had loads to say about what he saw. He took us at great length through all that they'd do to (a) maximise our chances of producing decent embryos and (b) to then improve the possibility of the embryo(s) implanting. It all got fairly complicated but we just about followed.
My immune tests are pretty normal but with a few slightly elevated responses. On their own the responses would be nothing to concern, but collectively, they may need to treat me for them. The treatment would involved ster.oids, Hep.arin and the infamous IV.Ig. He didn't dwell on that as it's a long way off.
He also thought the cancelled cycle had something to do with the cyst and perhaps the different drug regime. He wants me to take a month to recover from the last cycle and then we can start again next month. The last fiasco has made me suspicious. They told me they didn't want us to waste our money and now this clinic want to treat us, i harbour suspicions that they're just after our money! Never satisfied, but I suppose my reaction's only natural. Who do you trust?!!
I'll have a Hyst.eroscopy mid-cycle next month and, if my horm.one tests (FSH, LH, Oestradiol and Prolactin) check out ok, we'll start IV.F 4.5 from the end of Jan. If my horm.ones have shot up then we'll have to wait until they come down. Soooooooo, we are, once again, at the mercy of my body and another bunch of men and women in scrubs. We'd like to fit in a holiday at some point, but that's looking less and less likely until we get this cycle done.
Oh, one last news item. I applied for a really exciting job a couple of weeks ago as a cookery writer on one of the greatest food mags. Didn't really give it much thought. Someone had sent me the job ad, so i emailed off my CV. A week later I got called to interview and today they called me back with 2 others for a final interview! It's a job i'd have cut my leg off for not so long ago. Now i'm in turmoil over it. What if I get it?! How can take a job when I know i'm about to do IV.F? Mr G told me to shut up worrying as I don't actually have the job yet. I suppose he's right, but what if?!!
This is all so unfair - if I do get offered the job i'd effectively have to choose between that or IVF. I can't have both. If I was trying naturally, no one would even need to know about it. I wouldn't have to keep running off for blood tests and scans. I wouldn't have to worry that the stress of a new job might ruin my chances of success. Anyway, I don't actually have the job yet. I'll do the worrying if they offer it to me. it just doesn't seem fair. Men don't have these issues.
Time to go to bed.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
What would I do without you girls?
I'm just rushing out to work, but I couldn't go without a quick update.
Thank you girls so much for all your support. Yesterday I cried when I read all your kind words. Today, I'm stronger. I feel so lucky to be part of such a huge network - a virtual group hug.!
Since Monday's horrors Mr G and I have talked - a lot. We're just not ready to give up. We spoke to our lovely ex-Doc - (Dr Big Hair) and he thinks the new clinic f'd up. The cyst could have been messing with my hormones AND the letro.zole can suppress. He still thinks we've a few goes in us.
I'm not going to get my hopes up - I KNOW our chances are slim, but i've got to give it a couple more shots. We're going to get another view from the top results/bad service clinic on Monday and then we'll decide what next. If that clinic feel it's game over, we'll think long and hard about stuff.
Mr G's v anti egg don.ation but may come around. I'm not sure what I think.
One observation that has come out of the talking i've been doing over the last few days:
Everyone (who's not in the IF club) says how brave I am for going through all of this. I've always said i'm not brave. I'm not. It's just something i've got to do! How can I not? The brave bit is having the courage to give all of this up and move on to DE or adoption. That's brave. I'm just not strong enough to do that yet. I hope that if (and when) the time comes i'll find the courage from somewhere.
Thank you all again. I really, really appreciate all of you so very much
If you get a chance, go give some support to Becks (at One Miracle Needed - i'd do a link but i'm a techno-twit) she's having a wobbly 2WW
xx
Thank you girls so much for all your support. Yesterday I cried when I read all your kind words. Today, I'm stronger. I feel so lucky to be part of such a huge network - a virtual group hug.!
Since Monday's horrors Mr G and I have talked - a lot. We're just not ready to give up. We spoke to our lovely ex-Doc - (Dr Big Hair) and he thinks the new clinic f'd up. The cyst could have been messing with my hormones AND the letro.zole can suppress. He still thinks we've a few goes in us.
I'm not going to get my hopes up - I KNOW our chances are slim, but i've got to give it a couple more shots. We're going to get another view from the top results/bad service clinic on Monday and then we'll decide what next. If that clinic feel it's game over, we'll think long and hard about stuff.
Mr G's v anti egg don.ation but may come around. I'm not sure what I think.
One observation that has come out of the talking i've been doing over the last few days:
Everyone (who's not in the IF club) says how brave I am for going through all of this. I've always said i'm not brave. I'm not. It's just something i've got to do! How can I not? The brave bit is having the courage to give all of this up and move on to DE or adoption. That's brave. I'm just not strong enough to do that yet. I hope that if (and when) the time comes i'll find the courage from somewhere.
Thank you all again. I really, really appreciate all of you so very much
If you get a chance, go give some support to Becks (at One Miracle Needed - i'd do a link but i'm a techno-twit) she's having a wobbly 2WW
xx
Monday, December 10, 2007
Worst news possible
You got it...it's game over...
The scan showed a lining of 2mm - whoo hoo. A few follicles, but not much to write home about. They said they'd wait for the E2 levels before deciding whether to bin me. I went to work tonight not knowing whether or not I was going to continue. I'd asked them to ring Mr G as I had no reception at the place I was serving canapes.
WHen I got home from work tonight, Mr G greeted me with a huge hug. The E2 was 178. It was over a thousand this time last cycle. I'm still bleeding, and actually - even if they were willing to keep going - i'd rather quit now than keep stabbing myself with needles and go through the rest of the cycle for more bad news in 3 weeks time.
What's really, really bad is that the Doc there said he thinks we shouldn't try again. Not ever. Not with my eggs at least. We're not ready to give up. We so aren't! I've cried most of today - my heart aches and that lump's back in my throat.
Chanukah, Christmas and New Year can all take a leap. All my festive spirit's gone AWOL. What did we do to be in this hellish place? Why? Why us? Why can't we just have a break for once? I just want to curl up in a ball, go to sleep and stay like that until the pain goes away.
I'm officially starting my close of year pity party. Roll on 2008 - 2007's been a truly rubbish year. There's only so much me and Mr G can take.
Thank you all of you who've been there for me with kind words and support and good luck all my Cyclesistas - may you all be blessed with good news - and I mean that.
The scan showed a lining of 2mm - whoo hoo. A few follicles, but not much to write home about. They said they'd wait for the E2 levels before deciding whether to bin me. I went to work tonight not knowing whether or not I was going to continue. I'd asked them to ring Mr G as I had no reception at the place I was serving canapes.
WHen I got home from work tonight, Mr G greeted me with a huge hug. The E2 was 178. It was over a thousand this time last cycle. I'm still bleeding, and actually - even if they were willing to keep going - i'd rather quit now than keep stabbing myself with needles and go through the rest of the cycle for more bad news in 3 weeks time.
What's really, really bad is that the Doc there said he thinks we shouldn't try again. Not ever. Not with my eggs at least. We're not ready to give up. We so aren't! I've cried most of today - my heart aches and that lump's back in my throat.
Chanukah, Christmas and New Year can all take a leap. All my festive spirit's gone AWOL. What did we do to be in this hellish place? Why? Why us? Why can't we just have a break for once? I just want to curl up in a ball, go to sleep and stay like that until the pain goes away.
I'm officially starting my close of year pity party. Roll on 2008 - 2007's been a truly rubbish year. There's only so much me and Mr G can take.
Thank you all of you who've been there for me with kind words and support and good luck all my Cyclesistas - may you all be blessed with good news - and I mean that.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
How many MORE problems this cycle throw up?
I'm sitting with a hot water bottle on my tum and Strict.ly Come Danc.ing on the television and i'm STRESSED!!!
It's hardly begun and this cycle just keeps on throwing crap at me. Normally, things are relatively peaceful at this stage. A few jabs and headaches, but no real issues until we hit the the tears and tantrums whilst I wait for a few tiny follicles to pop out. I'm generally fairly (give or take a few scary moments) cool that we'll run the whole way to transfer - at least I am at this stage!
This time, it's been one thing after another. First the "just in by the skin of my teeth" timing of the last two periods, then the appearance of that cyst and the fun and games of the aspiration and antibiotic "clear out". Once I started stimming I thought that'd be it until the fun and games of scan time, but guess what? I'm BLEEDING!!! I've been googling for England and I can't find any mention of why this might happen. All i know is that if much more comes out (sorry to be so graphic) i'll have a lining as thick as a wafer - and I don't mean a Kit Kat.
Mr G has said just take it as it comes - he's right, and i'm trying to be cool. If it doesn't happen now then there's next month or the month after etc, but I really hope i haven't injected 6 day's of Meno.pur (and 100's of £'s) into my tummy for nothing.
I've had 2 BFP's in my immediate circle this week - one girl from the MindBody group I mentored. It was her third try and it was at the controversial clinic I couldn't stick with. The other is a girl I met through writing the column I wrote about IV.F in a newspaper. She got in touch and we're now friends. It was her 7th treatment. She'd had 6 fresh cycle andn one FET. A few cycles ago i'm not sure how happy i could have been for her, but you know what? I'm actually really pleased. If she can do it then that gives me hope. She's v worried as she had an ectopic in an earlier cycle, but it's a reasonable beta. I'd just love to join her.
I'm trying to be positive, and I'm not doing badly, I just think it could take us a few more goes at this.
Well done all my Cyclesistas - can't believe how many of my girlies are cycling with me this month! x
It's hardly begun and this cycle just keeps on throwing crap at me. Normally, things are relatively peaceful at this stage. A few jabs and headaches, but no real issues until we hit the the tears and tantrums whilst I wait for a few tiny follicles to pop out. I'm generally fairly (give or take a few scary moments) cool that we'll run the whole way to transfer - at least I am at this stage!
This time, it's been one thing after another. First the "just in by the skin of my teeth" timing of the last two periods, then the appearance of that cyst and the fun and games of the aspiration and antibiotic "clear out". Once I started stimming I thought that'd be it until the fun and games of scan time, but guess what? I'm BLEEDING!!! I've been googling for England and I can't find any mention of why this might happen. All i know is that if much more comes out (sorry to be so graphic) i'll have a lining as thick as a wafer - and I don't mean a Kit Kat.
Mr G has said just take it as it comes - he's right, and i'm trying to be cool. If it doesn't happen now then there's next month or the month after etc, but I really hope i haven't injected 6 day's of Meno.pur (and 100's of £'s) into my tummy for nothing.
I've had 2 BFP's in my immediate circle this week - one girl from the MindBody group I mentored. It was her third try and it was at the controversial clinic I couldn't stick with. The other is a girl I met through writing the column I wrote about IV.F in a newspaper. She got in touch and we're now friends. It was her 7th treatment. She'd had 6 fresh cycle andn one FET. A few cycles ago i'm not sure how happy i could have been for her, but you know what? I'm actually really pleased. If she can do it then that gives me hope. She's v worried as she had an ectopic in an earlier cycle, but it's a reasonable beta. I'd just love to join her.
I'm trying to be positive, and I'm not doing badly, I just think it could take us a few more goes at this.
Well done all my Cyclesistas - can't believe how many of my girlies are cycling with me this month! x
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Am I just a big baby?
I'm very tearful at the moment. My Mum's off to Australia tomorrow to see my bro. She and my StepDad will be gone for TWO MONTHS!!! Made supper for them last night and will not see them again until FEBRUARY!!!
I'm all hormoned up on Meno.pur (day 5 today) and I can't bear the thought of getting through this cycle without my Mum for tearful early morning phone calls and general shoring me up after a sh*tty scan. My MIL's also off for 2 weeks on 20 December! Me and Mr G will be all alone for Xmas.
I still have Mr G for hugs and general husbandly sweetness, but sometimes this girl just needs her mummy. Does that make me a baby? Should a 39 yr old wannabee mum be grown up enough not to need her mum? Maybe i should be adult enough to stand on my own two size 39's. (Oooh, just realised that my age now matches my shoe size. When people tell me to act my age not my shoe size I can tell them I'm acting both)
Actually, it does let me off the pressure of having to report in when i'm Princess Irritable and my mum wants an update AND stops me feeling that i'm letting her down too. I'll just miss knowing she's at the end of the phone.
Cycle news - had a ridiculously early scan (4 days in) and they found.....surprise surprise, very little. Oestradiol is in the basement. I'm still bleeding - bit worried about that - might be the cyst wound healing. Went for emergency acupuncture today with electrode stimulation to the needles and am hoping for some action for Monday's scan.
Am drinking gallons of water and trying to eat lots of protein. I can do no more.
Must go - all this water...need to dash xx
I'm all hormoned up on Meno.pur (day 5 today) and I can't bear the thought of getting through this cycle without my Mum for tearful early morning phone calls and general shoring me up after a sh*tty scan. My MIL's also off for 2 weeks on 20 December! Me and Mr G will be all alone for Xmas.
I still have Mr G for hugs and general husbandly sweetness, but sometimes this girl just needs her mummy. Does that make me a baby? Should a 39 yr old wannabee mum be grown up enough not to need her mum? Maybe i should be adult enough to stand on my own two size 39's. (Oooh, just realised that my age now matches my shoe size. When people tell me to act my age not my shoe size I can tell them I'm acting both)
Actually, it does let me off the pressure of having to report in when i'm Princess Irritable and my mum wants an update AND stops me feeling that i'm letting her down too. I'll just miss knowing she's at the end of the phone.
Cycle news - had a ridiculously early scan (4 days in) and they found.....surprise surprise, very little. Oestradiol is in the basement. I'm still bleeding - bit worried about that - might be the cyst wound healing. Went for emergency acupuncture today with electrode stimulation to the needles and am hoping for some action for Monday's scan.
Am drinking gallons of water and trying to eat lots of protein. I can do no more.
Must go - all this water...need to dash xx
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Ow, ow, OWWW!
Firstly, thank you so much all of you for your birthday greetings. Funnily enough, i've not had too much of a problem with 39. I think it's because so many of my mates have been turning 40, i feel relatively young. This time next year might not be quite the smooth ride...
It's been a busy old day. Mr G and I went into the clinic expecting quite a long day - a scan and the seaweed fest - but it became a marathon. We traipsed into the "check-you-out scan" (before which you shall not pass go) where a medical student stood staring whilst I succumbed to the coozie-cam. Funny how each Dr has a different method for getting you into position. This one (a tiny more than middle aged lady) who was perfectly nice, had me lie with my feet on the table next to my bo.ttom. I'd waited a long time for my turn (for a change) and so was a bit full in the bladder. She said she'd try to scan anyway as i'd need a full bladder for the dilation.
I normally breeze through this scan but today (of course) a cyst loomed big a black on the screen sitting on my right ovary. As she wanted a good look at the left, I had to get off the table, go empty my bladder and return for more camera action. The left one was clear, but we now had an issue. We could not start stims with the cyst in situ and I HAD to start stims today. Little old lady doc went off to ask her colleagues for their advice. Flippin' typical. Anway, I was muttering to Mr G it was "game over" for this month when she returned and said she couldn't find anyone to ask and we'd need to go back to reception and did we have time to wait? Too darned right we had time. I'd wait all day if it meant getting on with this cycle.
We sat down, waited an age, chased the receptionist - who'd forgotten we were there - and then finally saw another Doc. This time the pretty young lady doc, who was lovely. Said i'd need to have the cyst aspirated which she could do there and then (in theatre) and also do the dilation. Good news....I thought....
I disrobed, again, and put on a hospital gown before going into theatre. Pretty young lady doc (PYL) was helped by two lovely nurses who chatted away and held my hand as I had the most painful procedure i've had so far. They pump in some local anaesthetic before sticking a needle on the coozie cam and sucking out the cyst. I think it's effectively egg collection. She had to go in several times. First the needle wasn't right, then the darned thing wouldn't suck, then the pipe was clogged. Each time was REALLY uncomfortable and I was breathing deeply for England to try and deal with it and not move.
In contrast, the seaweed (Di.lapan) insertion was a breeze, although the two bullets (pain relief and antib.iotic) the nurse then shoved up my a. ss were fairly unwelcome.
I was taken back to a hospital bed and lay in a state of mild shock, feeling all a bit dishevelled really. I had some cramping from the seaweed but it faded after about an hour - maybe less. I was actually quite glad i'd had the cyst done because it meant I had a bed for the four hours I then had to wait for the seaweed to do its stuff. Mr G went out to a fab foodie place for goats cheese and chutney sandwich on gorgeous seeded bread. (My appetite was fortunately unaffected!)
When the seaweed came out - PYL had to pull it out by a string - it was like an amber coloured stick of jelly. It was in a weird L shape - probably because i'm a weird L shape.
Now i'm home and ready to start injecting this very night. We are a go. All a bit sudden but definitely not too soon!
It's been a busy old day. Mr G and I went into the clinic expecting quite a long day - a scan and the seaweed fest - but it became a marathon. We traipsed into the "check-you-out scan" (before which you shall not pass go) where a medical student stood staring whilst I succumbed to the coozie-cam. Funny how each Dr has a different method for getting you into position. This one (a tiny more than middle aged lady) who was perfectly nice, had me lie with my feet on the table next to my bo.ttom. I'd waited a long time for my turn (for a change) and so was a bit full in the bladder. She said she'd try to scan anyway as i'd need a full bladder for the dilation.
I normally breeze through this scan but today (of course) a cyst loomed big a black on the screen sitting on my right ovary. As she wanted a good look at the left, I had to get off the table, go empty my bladder and return for more camera action. The left one was clear, but we now had an issue. We could not start stims with the cyst in situ and I HAD to start stims today. Little old lady doc went off to ask her colleagues for their advice. Flippin' typical. Anway, I was muttering to Mr G it was "game over" for this month when she returned and said she couldn't find anyone to ask and we'd need to go back to reception and did we have time to wait? Too darned right we had time. I'd wait all day if it meant getting on with this cycle.
We sat down, waited an age, chased the receptionist - who'd forgotten we were there - and then finally saw another Doc. This time the pretty young lady doc, who was lovely. Said i'd need to have the cyst aspirated which she could do there and then (in theatre) and also do the dilation. Good news....I thought....
I disrobed, again, and put on a hospital gown before going into theatre. Pretty young lady doc (PYL) was helped by two lovely nurses who chatted away and held my hand as I had the most painful procedure i've had so far. They pump in some local anaesthetic before sticking a needle on the coozie cam and sucking out the cyst. I think it's effectively egg collection. She had to go in several times. First the needle wasn't right, then the darned thing wouldn't suck, then the pipe was clogged. Each time was REALLY uncomfortable and I was breathing deeply for England to try and deal with it and not move.
In contrast, the seaweed (Di.lapan) insertion was a breeze, although the two bullets (pain relief and antib.iotic) the nurse then shoved up my a. ss were fairly unwelcome.
I was taken back to a hospital bed and lay in a state of mild shock, feeling all a bit dishevelled really. I had some cramping from the seaweed but it faded after about an hour - maybe less. I was actually quite glad i'd had the cyst done because it meant I had a bed for the four hours I then had to wait for the seaweed to do its stuff. Mr G went out to a fab foodie place for goats cheese and chutney sandwich on gorgeous seeded bread. (My appetite was fortunately unaffected!)
When the seaweed came out - PYL had to pull it out by a string - it was like an amber coloured stick of jelly. It was in a weird L shape - probably because i'm a weird L shape.
Now i'm home and ready to start injecting this very night. We are a go. All a bit sudden but definitely not too soon!
Monday, December 03, 2007
Best birthday present
I've been a bit tied up so unable to post.
On Friday, Mr G's sister, her 5 yr old daughter and her 20 month old son arrived from Israel to stay with us. It was FULL ON. So full on in fact that Mr G joked we should stop the treatment! Not a minute to ourselves whilst the two (gorgeous) children demanded full time attention. In between clearing up, getting food ready, entertaining them and getting them to Mr G's Dad's surprise 70th birthday party, we had little time to do very much at all. Does make you think how much life changes when children come along...
Cycle news - I stopped the Prim.olut on Friday and have been waiting anxiously since then for the pe.riod. The clinic had set a deadline of 4th Dec to get started. I was so anxious, i haven't slept v well - also perhaps due to having a 5 yr old in our bed one of the nights - and have constantly stressed about it. On Friday one of the nurses had told me that I had to start my stims by Tuesday 4th (ie: day 3 of my cycle) when I'd thought I only had to be on day one. When the period hadn't shown up by Sunday night, i thought we were game over for this month. (And for next month as my next period would be over the Xm.as break) Anyway, when I got up this morning I held my breath as i did the TP tango and there it was...finally. I rang the clinic, who failed to call me back the first time, to see if I could start a day late. I can. So tomorrow, i'm off for a scan to check all's well inside and for the Dial.apan - the sea.weed dilation device...
On the birthday front, i've had a wonderful 39th. Mr G arranged a surprise birthday tea for me, my parents and some of my friends at a London hotel. It was wonderful and I was totally surprised by it. He's SUCH a wonderful husband. We spent the night in the hotel and went to a smart L.ondon restaurant for breakfast, which other than my stressing over the "will I/won't I get my cycle this month stuff" was also wonderful. We spent all of today strolling round the Chris.tmassy Lond.ond streets, chatting, eating and generally enjoying being together. I love my husband so much - he's made what could have been a miserable infertile birthday into something really special.
Right - he's now nagging me to relax, so i'm off to watch a D.VD with my gorgeous boy.
A longer post and detail on the seaweed tomorrow xx
On Friday, Mr G's sister, her 5 yr old daughter and her 20 month old son arrived from Israel to stay with us. It was FULL ON. So full on in fact that Mr G joked we should stop the treatment! Not a minute to ourselves whilst the two (gorgeous) children demanded full time attention. In between clearing up, getting food ready, entertaining them and getting them to Mr G's Dad's surprise 70th birthday party, we had little time to do very much at all. Does make you think how much life changes when children come along...
Cycle news - I stopped the Prim.olut on Friday and have been waiting anxiously since then for the pe.riod. The clinic had set a deadline of 4th Dec to get started. I was so anxious, i haven't slept v well - also perhaps due to having a 5 yr old in our bed one of the nights - and have constantly stressed about it. On Friday one of the nurses had told me that I had to start my stims by Tuesday 4th (ie: day 3 of my cycle) when I'd thought I only had to be on day one. When the period hadn't shown up by Sunday night, i thought we were game over for this month. (And for next month as my next period would be over the Xm.as break) Anyway, when I got up this morning I held my breath as i did the TP tango and there it was...finally. I rang the clinic, who failed to call me back the first time, to see if I could start a day late. I can. So tomorrow, i'm off for a scan to check all's well inside and for the Dial.apan - the sea.weed dilation device...
On the birthday front, i've had a wonderful 39th. Mr G arranged a surprise birthday tea for me, my parents and some of my friends at a London hotel. It was wonderful and I was totally surprised by it. He's SUCH a wonderful husband. We spent the night in the hotel and went to a smart L.ondon restaurant for breakfast, which other than my stressing over the "will I/won't I get my cycle this month stuff" was also wonderful. We spent all of today strolling round the Chris.tmassy Lond.ond streets, chatting, eating and generally enjoying being together. I love my husband so much - he's made what could have been a miserable infertile birthday into something really special.
Right - he's now nagging me to relax, so i'm off to watch a D.VD with my gorgeous boy.
A longer post and detail on the seaweed tomorrow xx
Friday, November 30, 2007
Mincemeat & Seaweed
This post has been sitting in my "Post" box for a week or so. Meant to post but didn't get time.
It's a quick one to explain "Mincepies" as it became clear it's v much an English delicacy.
The mincemeat is not (as you'd think) actual meat, but a mixture of dried fruit, chopped candied peel, brandy (or other liquor) perhaps some finely chopped nuts and apples. Sometimes suet is added.
The mincemeat is used to fill individual shortcrust pastry cases. You can use filo if you like too. Being a dried fruit lover, I ADORE mincemeat and mincepies. Here's a couple of pics
Yum, yum, yum. yum, yum, yum.
Next, the seaweed i've been referring to. I may have assumed you to know all about my fun and games with the fruit of the sea and i'm not sure if i've explained properly what i'm talking about...
I've had trouble with all of my transfers. The route into my cervix is a narrow windy maze and i'm often being told (by Dr's from between my legs) how tight my Os is. (Os not Ass unfortunately). So, new clinic does what old Doc wouldn't - a dilation early in the cycle. A thin hard stick ("Di.lapan") made of seaweed is wedged into the cervix and left to expand (tamp.on) like for 4 hours, leaving my tight os dilated to 6mm. A marvel of modern science harnessing nature. I've even found a pic of before and after
Sorry it's so tiny. the black stick is how it goes in and the jelly like yellow tube is how it comes out. My weird and windy cervix had bent the jelly into an "L" when it emerged.
Feeling a big frail today. My tummy doesn't like the antibi.iotics at all, which have effectively given me an internal colonic in the last 24hrs. Still, it was full of over indulgent birthday food, so perhaps a good thing. TMI i'm sorry.
Time to do some work. xx
It's a quick one to explain "Mincepies" as it became clear it's v much an English delicacy.
The mincemeat is not (as you'd think) actual meat, but a mixture of dried fruit, chopped candied peel, brandy (or other liquor) perhaps some finely chopped nuts and apples. Sometimes suet is added.
The mincemeat is used to fill individual shortcrust pastry cases. You can use filo if you like too. Being a dried fruit lover, I ADORE mincemeat and mincepies. Here's a couple of pics
Yum, yum, yum. yum, yum, yum.
Next, the seaweed i've been referring to. I may have assumed you to know all about my fun and games with the fruit of the sea and i'm not sure if i've explained properly what i'm talking about...
I've had trouble with all of my transfers. The route into my cervix is a narrow windy maze and i'm often being told (by Dr's from between my legs) how tight my Os is. (Os not Ass unfortunately). So, new clinic does what old Doc wouldn't - a dilation early in the cycle. A thin hard stick ("Di.lapan") made of seaweed is wedged into the cervix and left to expand (tamp.on) like for 4 hours, leaving my tight os dilated to 6mm. A marvel of modern science harnessing nature. I've even found a pic of before and after
Sorry it's so tiny. the black stick is how it goes in and the jelly like yellow tube is how it comes out. My weird and windy cervix had bent the jelly into an "L" when it emerged.Feeling a big frail today. My tummy doesn't like the antibi.iotics at all, which have effectively given me an internal colonic in the last 24hrs. Still, it was full of over indulgent birthday food, so perhaps a good thing. TMI i'm sorry.
Time to do some work. xx
Monday, November 26, 2007
The post in which I do quite a lot of moaning.
So.
I've been popping the Prim.olut for a week. It's basically progesterone and I really don't like it. I'm spotty - which I offends my great vanity - a bit prone to tears and quite a lot down.
I'm also hating the fact that this fortnight of Prog.esterone fuelled fun might all be for nothing. If I don't get my period before 4th Dec, then it's game over for 2007 and i'll have to start all over again in Jan. That's p-ing me off, esp since we're trying to plan a getaway for 2 weeks in Jan. If we have to cycle in Jan, we won't be able to go away then AND it'll be too late (and too expensive) for a Dec break.
Add to all of this the fact that i'll be 39 on 3rd Dec for which i'll be both spotty and grumpy! Can you tell i'm on Prog.esterone by any chance?!
I suppose i'd better just get on with it and stop moaning.
On the "life" front all's been pretty quiet. Spent Friday and Sunday helping cook for my Synag.ogue's bazaar. We're new members of the congregation and it was nice to meet lots of others. I got asked several times by the other ladies in the kitchen if I have children. Children! Not even just child - they assume you might have more than one! I wish. Sometimes i'd just say no and other times i'd "come out" as an IV.F'er. Actually easier to 'fess up as you've then got another topic of conversation.
Also, discovered that one of my fellow teachers at the school I teach at is about to start her first IV.F. She's a geriatric newly wed (well, 39 yrs young) and has found out her hubbie (who has 3 children) is no longer able to make babies. I didn't pry too much, but it gave us an instant bond and we're going to try to teach the same class together next term.
Oh - am LOVING Stric.tly Co.me Danc.ing. It's a high point of my week. M.att and F.lavia's dance was superb this week. It made me smile and smile to watch it!
Time for bed. I'm keen to start my new book. I've just finished The Hand Maid's Tale - which I think I enjoyed and which definitely gave me food for thought. I've had a day off from bedtime reading (during which Mr G actually got a look in) and i'm ready to start The Island - can't remember the author - about a leper colony. Sounds like an odd read, but it comes highly recommended by many friends. Need to get under my nice warm duvet and crack it open. Night night xx
I've been popping the Prim.olut for a week. It's basically progesterone and I really don't like it. I'm spotty - which I offends my great vanity - a bit prone to tears and quite a lot down.
I'm also hating the fact that this fortnight of Prog.esterone fuelled fun might all be for nothing. If I don't get my period before 4th Dec, then it's game over for 2007 and i'll have to start all over again in Jan. That's p-ing me off, esp since we're trying to plan a getaway for 2 weeks in Jan. If we have to cycle in Jan, we won't be able to go away then AND it'll be too late (and too expensive) for a Dec break.
Add to all of this the fact that i'll be 39 on 3rd Dec for which i'll be both spotty and grumpy! Can you tell i'm on Prog.esterone by any chance?!
I suppose i'd better just get on with it and stop moaning.
On the "life" front all's been pretty quiet. Spent Friday and Sunday helping cook for my Synag.ogue's bazaar. We're new members of the congregation and it was nice to meet lots of others. I got asked several times by the other ladies in the kitchen if I have children. Children! Not even just child - they assume you might have more than one! I wish. Sometimes i'd just say no and other times i'd "come out" as an IV.F'er. Actually easier to 'fess up as you've then got another topic of conversation.
Also, discovered that one of my fellow teachers at the school I teach at is about to start her first IV.F. She's a geriatric newly wed (well, 39 yrs young) and has found out her hubbie (who has 3 children) is no longer able to make babies. I didn't pry too much, but it gave us an instant bond and we're going to try to teach the same class together next term.
Oh - am LOVING Stric.tly Co.me Danc.ing. It's a high point of my week. M.att and F.lavia's dance was superb this week. It made me smile and smile to watch it!
Time for bed. I'm keen to start my new book. I've just finished The Hand Maid's Tale - which I think I enjoyed and which definitely gave me food for thought. I've had a day off from bedtime reading (during which Mr G actually got a look in) and i'm ready to start The Island - can't remember the author - about a leper colony. Sounds like an odd read, but it comes highly recommended by many friends. Need to get under my nice warm duvet and crack it open. Night night xx
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Eating for success
Well, we're 2 days into the pre-cycle bit. I've had 4 doses of the Prim.ulot and all seems well.
Only thing is that having really worked hard to shed some (and I stress some and not all) my IVF weight, I now seem on a mission to eat everything that I can. Hunger is irrelevant on my mission and will power has fled screaming. I need to get a grip or I could manage a stone this cycle and that's really not on.
The eatathon kicked off with all my baking for the market stall - more on that later - during which I rather overdid the tasting. I think i've hooked myself on sugar. I need to go cold turkey with it really, but can't seem to steel myself to do it. Today, I had a good girl breakfast of porridge with some raisins but soon went down hill tasting home made mincemeat for mince pies (do you eat those in the US?) with my market stall partner. I had lunch with a friend at a Farmer's Mkt. Delicious creamed mushrooms on a thick slab of white toast and a few tastes of roasted vine tomatoes with rocket and parmesan on toast. Lush. We then went home for some of her home baked cup cakes and 2 cakes we'd bought at the market. Tonight i'm off to meet another friend for MORE food! Gotta getta grip!
The market stall was fun if freezing! We did ok but won't be retiring just yet. Having vowed we won't do it again, I think we'll go back a couple of times before Chris.tmas to sell off the rest of our stock of jars and biscotti. I might even get festive with some Christmassy mince pies too. I must just try not to eat them all whilst manning the stall.
Got to run now - have to fit some work into my busy eating schedule...it's a tough job and all that xx
Only thing is that having really worked hard to shed some (and I stress some and not all) my IVF weight, I now seem on a mission to eat everything that I can. Hunger is irrelevant on my mission and will power has fled screaming. I need to get a grip or I could manage a stone this cycle and that's really not on.
The eatathon kicked off with all my baking for the market stall - more on that later - during which I rather overdid the tasting. I think i've hooked myself on sugar. I need to go cold turkey with it really, but can't seem to steel myself to do it. Today, I had a good girl breakfast of porridge with some raisins but soon went down hill tasting home made mincemeat for mince pies (do you eat those in the US?) with my market stall partner. I had lunch with a friend at a Farmer's Mkt. Delicious creamed mushrooms on a thick slab of white toast and a few tastes of roasted vine tomatoes with rocket and parmesan on toast. Lush. We then went home for some of her home baked cup cakes and 2 cakes we'd bought at the market. Tonight i'm off to meet another friend for MORE food! Gotta getta grip!
The market stall was fun if freezing! We did ok but won't be retiring just yet. Having vowed we won't do it again, I think we'll go back a couple of times before Chris.tmas to sell off the rest of our stock of jars and biscotti. I might even get festive with some Christmassy mince pies too. I must just try not to eat them all whilst manning the stall.
Got to run now - have to fit some work into my busy eating schedule...it's a tough job and all that xx
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