Feeling festive

Thank goodness its now feeling a bit more wintery outside! With daily high's of 4 and 5 degrees, the weather has finally realised that it's nearly midwinter. In fact, today IS midwinter's day!

I'm feeling festive too - Christmas shopping's done, work's almost complete and i've one more full day before DH and I set off for our romantic, solitary cottage. We went round the supermarket (Waitrose) choosing special foody treats to take with us. We'll do the main shop when we get there. We picked up the latest edition of the paper in which we write our IVF diary column whilst we were there.

The optimism remains. I've made an appointment to see our Dr on Jan 11th, and then we can down to business. I should have had the next visit from AF by then and we'll be on countdown. I'm a bit scared this time, as I know that it might not work and I know how it feels for it not to work. I'm going to register with the best clinic - which has a 6 - 12 week waiting list for an initial consultation. The success rates there are about 20% better than ours and I'll just feel safer with it as our fallback. We also have our first NHS consultation on 18th Jan. About time, but i'm not sure where that will lead us.

What is winding me up a bit is feeling a bit pushed into using chinese herbs. I'm quite happy to have acupuncture, but my acupunturist - who has loads of experience - is now pushing me into taking herbs. I know i'm a big girl and can say no, but she's really foisted them upon me. They're expensive, smelly, time consuming and they just remind me of my problems every day. I feel angry about it really. i just want some time off from stressing about all of this. Why can't she give something to DH to make his sperm move a bit faster...move at all! She says to keep on trying, but if there's no movement, what's the point?...

Now there I was saying how positive I feel! Well, actually I do really! I'm so looking forward to a week of doing nothing with DH. No phone, no internet, nowhere to be, no deadlines...what bliss! Must buy some books to take with me.

Maybe next year i'll be pg or even have a new baby for Christmas. How amazing would that be?! Not sure I believe it'll happen, but who knows...

Happy Christmas all and may 2007 be a fertile one for all who wish to be!

xx

The mist has cleared...a little

The last post was brought to you almost totally by my hormones. AF finally arrived on Saturday - just after i wrote that post. I was, for the week before and for a few days afterwards, the most miserable i've been in such a long time. I was also grumpy and unpleasant. DH was brought to his knees and arrived at a total low last night.

Well, enough! The last two days i've felt quite positive. This is not the end of the world. There's every chance we'll get somewhere with all of this. There's every chance we won't whilst i'm miserable and stressed. Christmas will be lovely. I can't wait to do NOTHING with DH. I now have some idea when we'll do our next cycle - mid Feb, I think - and i've got lots of exciting stuff to do for my (yet to blossom) business. All good. Every week I hear of people managing to succeed with IVF. Well, why not us?!

For now, i'll enjoy my DH, enjoy our newly married status. Book lots of nice things to do and ignore the reproductively challenged side of life.

How hormonal must I sound?! One minute down and next, up. I might also sound quite manic. I'll try for an even keel.

Must sign off now. Have to go and teach some men how to make their dinner!

x

Pull yourself together

Mea culpa...its been a long time since my last update....

Mea culpa...i'm in danger of doing some serious damage to my marriage.

Both 'sins' are my almost totally letting myself give in to the misery that lurks just below the surface much of the time. I've been really trying to keep it at bay. I don't want this IVF to take over my life and I don't want to become one of bitter child obsessed women I used to take little interest in when reading my mum's magazines.

Two things have proved too much for me this fortnight:

Firstly - turning 38. THIRTY EIGHT!!! I was meant to be married with children approaching their teens by now, not still attempting to make a child!! I had an "i'm nearly 40 moment". I feel overweight, frumpy and (nearly) forty. I don't WANT to move into another statistical age group! With the treatment, i've stopped shopping taking care of myself. No new clothes. No facials. Too little exercise. That's an excuse actually as I've had WEEKS to put it right, but haven't had the desire? (btw, if you're reading this thinking how self pitying i've become, then i agree...even typing this makes me think, pull yourself together girl, just do it! Stop the comfort eating. Start exercising and get to the beautician!)

The second thing that's happened (and has totally finished me off) was been my only close friend in this boat giving me the most wonderful news. She has got herself pregnant!!! After more than 5 years of trying, 3 miscarriages, 2 unsuccessful IVF's and a lot of heartache, she conceived naturally and has safely got to 18 weeks! I'm SO happy for her. She's a very dear friend and someone who totally deserves this. She turned 40 this week and did has done this ON HER OWN!! GO GIRL! She told me with so much trepidation as she knows how it feels from the other side. I was ok at the time, but came home and sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed. I just couldn't shift the mood.

DH and I went out for dinner with close friends but I felt v quiet. We left the car behind to allow for a few glasses of mind numbing alcohol, but I didn't really even fancy a drink.

I still haven't even gone back to normal after the treatment! (more on that in a minute) I don't know when we're going to go again. This is SO hard. The silver lining is that if she can do it then so can i! Only problem is that it's not just about me and my aging eggs.....

Note - I wrote this last week, when in the midst of my self indulgent miserable phase. Despite now having some sort of a cold coming on, i'm feeling much more positive now. I'm going to publish this and then a new, more positive entry. Can't leave that sort of a vent on its own.

We're having a really lazy Sunday. It's pouring with rain and grey outside and so far (at 2.30 in the afternoon) i've been nowhere!

Yesterday I worked and last night we went to friends for dinner. They were 2 couples with children ranging from 2 to 9. They talked about them but not in a way that made me feel awkward. They were asking lots about our column. I was worried what they think about us being so public about our problems.

We really relaxed, with good food, wine and lovely company. It's so nice to be just living again.

Our appointment with the doc went ok. I was really grumpy afterwards. Not sure why. He said he thought we should try indections for the down reg next time and meno-pur instead of gonal f for the stim. He wasn't happy with my stim bit. He said it was really hard to get my eggs out. He thinks maybe the eggs weren't the best and that next time, the different drugs may help. He wants to wait for two more bleeds - TWO MORE bleeds! He thinks it'll take that long for my body to recover. He said that the eggs I produce during a cycle have been growing for 3 months, so I need the time to recuperate properly. He's still positive about our prospects.

He said to go away and do something totally different. If we want to go ahead in late Jan then we should get back in touch with him. No pressure at all and v much leaving it up to us to choose the times. He's a lovely, lovely man and we both really trust him. He thinks we should keep the frozen embryo on reserve. We have time to use it in the future. As the first two didn't take, it may not be a great one.

I asked about why he goes for a three day and not five day transfer, and he said it's a matter of opinion. He thinks you lose more that way and won't necesssarily get a better chance of pregnancy.

I'd like to have tried again sooner, but i'll wait if that's what he thinks is best. I do trust him.

I'm ovulating at the moment. Makes me a bit grumpy when I think what a waste of yet another egg. Still, i'm doing my best to think of other stuff. My birthday next week, Christmas, work stuff. All takes my mind off the big issue. I'm going to enjoy the next few weeks and make the most of my first married christmas!

xxx

Looking forward

Looking forward to having another plan of action when we see the Doc tomorrow.

It's a weird time between treatments. With no sniffing, jabbing or other charming stuff, i've got my life back but it's not really my own. I'm not thinking about IVF every five minutes and I'm determined not to be ruled byit, but I can't make too many plans as I just don't know when I'll be back on treatment treadmill.

Example - i'm looking forward to our cosy Christmas cottage and was thinking about ordering a mixed case of wine to take with us. We can eat and drink really special food and wine. Really treat ourselves and relax. BUT - and it's a big BUT - what if i'm back on the drugs? No wine and lots of tears.... It's all so uncertain. I suppose I could decide we'll take Christmas off and then get back to it in the new year. That might make sense...but would I want to postphone?

Anyway, as my body's showing no signs of being anywhere near back to normal, we're not likely to be having any treatment in the next few weeks. An IVF friend had said to me that she freaked out after her first cycle when her period failed to show for a while. She was convinced that her failing supply of eggs had all been used up! They hadn't. It crosses your mind...

We're going to get on the waiting list for another clinic. They have the best results in the UK and are on our doorstep. Even if we use up our frosticle at our current clinic, we'll probably go to the new one for the next round. Mad not to.

Nothing much else to report. It's cold, grey and rainy and i'm working tonight - 2 nights running...yuck! My car is playing up - replaced a tyre (at huge expense last week) and last night, the warning light went on again!! HOW frustrating! Had to spend time taking it to be checked again! Just not having loads of luck at the moment.

Feeling v tired too today - think i might have a cold coming. With that and the excsema (still struggling with the spelling) I think i might just be a teeny bit run down. Might skip my morning exercise run/walk tomorrow...very daring! I'm working in the morning anyway, so not much time to exercise.

xx

Looking forward

Just booked a cottage for Christmas. We're going to spend a week in the middle of nowhere, just being. I can't wait. We'll take lots of lovely food and drink and really relax.

I've felt more positive today again. Enjoyed some lovely food and wine with my folks on Saturday night. Caught up on some sleep on Sat night too. Got some work done today and am really looking forward to Thursday's appointment. Lots to feel good about.

Wonder when my body's going to get back to normal. I should be about halfway through my cycle - post 1st ICSI - but there's no sign of ovulation. I'll ask our Dr.

Loved the idea (on Hopeful Mother blog) of the Dr kicking the wall when treatments don't work. I LOVE that they care!

Not too much to post really as little has changed for us. Just more healing and a return to that nice hope filled state.

RIght, time to get down from my desk and watch some relaxing tv.

xx

Spoke too soon...

...as i'm feeling a bit empty tonight. Feel like this week's been a bit wasted really.

I'm not pg and i'm getting nowhere with work. Spent the last two weeks - since failure of cycle - messing about. Today did NO work at all! Met friend who's had 2 failed cycles but who has 2 blasts in the freezer. She's waiting until New Year to try again as she's flying a long way over Xmas hols. Her first go was successful, but she miscarried at 9 weeks. Found out it was a chromosomal problem (had to try to type that 3 times!) so not viable anyway. At least she knows this works and she can get pg, although it was really hard for her.

After seeing friend, did some shopping - pressies for family - and then food for tomorrow's class. Then met younger sis - 17 yrs old - and talked about all of this some more. We hadn't spoken about it yet. So weird - getting pg is the worst thing in the world she can think of happening to her and about the best thing I can think of happening to me! We're at opposite ends of the reproduction cycle in terms of age.

Home this evening - pouring rain outside. DH snoring in front of tv, me feeling just a bit alone. Also have ecsema (how do you spell that?) all over hands which is itchtastic and driving me CRAZY!!!

Time to sleep. Gotta be bright and bubbly tomorrow morning...xxx

useful info

Not much to report at the moment. I'm levelling out a bit.

Watched the new programme presented by Robert Winston about IVF last night. It was about PGD. 2 couples had already had babies with terrible diseases or disabilities and were trying to screen their embryos to avoid it happening again. A third couple had 4 boys and wanted a girl. MADE ME WANT TO SCREAM!!!! How can they do that?! They have 4 healthy children and would have discarded male embryos they made during IVF. It was SO WRONG!!! I totally understood and sympathised with the first two couples.

Only one couple was successful. A couple who had a healthy boy, but who carried a terrible syndrome (Goucher's syndrome?) that had killed their first baby. They had a healthy boy. A couple with a profoundly disabled girl weren't lucky. It was heart wrenching and so unfair, as they seemed to be really good parents and couldn't afford to try again. The 2WW was really hard to watch and made me cry a little for them. Left me a little sad. The sex selection couple weren't lucky, but were rich enough to try again - WRONG,WRONG,WRONG!!!!

I joined an infertility group today. I only did it so i could lurk on their notice boards. It's £20 a year to be a member, so no big spend - cheap compared to our total outlay so far! Anyway, it turns out that you're entitled, as a member, to call up their nurse - a qualified fertility nurse up to speed with all the latest. She's there three days a week! How good is that?! Will definitely call them up.

We've also had an offer (from someone who reads our newspaper column - not sure i've mentioned that one so far) to speak to them about the clinic we're at. This man and his wife were treated there and have a 2 and a half year old boy now. we're going to call him at the weekend.

Feeling quite positive today. Off - into the cold, grey, already darkening afternoon - to work now. Yuck. Still, gets me out the house and stops me obsessing over this stuff. xx

Turning off the tears

It's no wonder they tell you to drink loads of water during the treatment...you end up crying most of it out! I must have wept almost every day since last tuesday. A WEEK of waterworks.

Well...enough, already!!

I may be full of hormones still, but it's time to get positive and get back my life.

I've started exercising every day again. I've walked (and jogged a little) the last three mornings and am trying to cut back on the sugary comfort foods that helped me through the last few weeks. I think the effect is gradual. Yesterday was a bad one, punctuated with teary outbursts, but today i'm feeling SO much more positive!

I'm not giving up on the idea of this treatment working, but i'm trying to see the positive aspects to life without children. Lazy weekend mornings, money to spend on holidays etc, freedom to do whatever we like. Fewer pressures on MDB and I. If I can see the bright side on both sides of the family fence then maybe i'll be more relaxed.

Am I kidding myself? Who knows? But if it makes me feel better then it's got to be ok. Only thing is that I then worry that I might not want babies enough! Must I be DESPERATE if i'm going to deserve the gift of children.

I think I may be starting to sound a bit mad and rambley so i'll leave that thread.

My fledgling cookery teaching business also needs my time. My energies can be put to good use. I truly love what I do at the moment and that's got to be good for me.

MDB and I are also as good and strong as we can be. If we're being tested then we're holding up all right. I'm v lucky to have such a wonderful man to share my life with WHATEVER happens to us.

I'll concentrate on my blessings and on the other aspects of my life at least until we see our Dr next.

Just a quick one

Am so tired. I think all this grieving has really taken it out of me. That, and the fact that I ran a teambuilding workshop for 15 people today. We cooked a 3 course meal plus bread and i'm absolutely exhausted. I shopped for it yesterday and tested all my recipes and was on my feet all day today, controlling 15 very noisy and exuberant Starbucks marketeers. They were like children - not that I'D know!!

It so was hard to get up and be happy smiley girl, but it got me through the day and that's what counts at the moment. I HATE waking each day with that lump in my chest - the really down feeling. I know it'll pass though and keeping busy keeps me sane. I'm teaching another class in the morning, so right now - aching all over - it's time to get some rest.

It's also time to get myself back in shape - too much weight gained during the cycle and my jeans are tight. Definitely time to get fit for round two!

Night, night xx

Grey day

Woke up in the early hours. MDB gets up at 5 to go to work and I couldn't tell if he was there or not. Put an arm out and was glad to feel he was. Remembered what happened yesterday and my heart sank...MDB held me for a bit but had to go. I lay there trying to sleep for an hour, but everything kept running through my mind and at 6am, I got up and made myself a cup of tea and used the HPT MDB brought home yesterday. First time i've ever used one! It was, not surprisingly negative, but just underlines that this run is over.

Went to work at my desk and immersed myself in that for a couple of hours until my Mum rang me at 8. Shed a few tears and got some mummy love. She thinks i've been really brave. I'm not so sure. It's more a matter of just keeping going. MDB is my rock - couldn't do this without him - in more ways than one!

It was such a grey day. I txtd my close friends to update them so I don't get a raft of msgs on Friday asking for the score. Got back a heap of gorgeous msgs. What is life without your girlyfriends?! MDB's mum rang to see how I was and was SO sweet.

Went to visit a friend in a nearby hospital. She's been really down, so I picked up Starbucks - my first in WEEKS - a muffin and a copy of Heat (great gossip mag for those overseas) and sat with her. Left her feeling a whole lot better.

MDB was home from work - he presents a morning show - by the time I got home, but was asleep. Felt secure just knowing he was home. Worked all afternoon with intermittent phone calls from my gorgeous mates.

One friend (a v close one) is due to have her baby in 2 weeks and is really conscious that i might be feeling it. I don't really, but am just a bit raw today and probably for a few days. I'll be v happy for her when her little one (her third) arrives. Just as i'm over the moon for Heather - HOW great is that?! - one step closer to Desperately finding baby!

I made another appt with our Dr. We'll sit down with him and discuss what next in 2 weeks time. He'll want us to wait at least 2 periods before starting again. At least i'm well into the first!

So, i'll live, but will go into the next one with a little bit more trepidation.

xx

being strong

Just to update my earlier entry.

After hearing of my heavy blood loss, my consultant has confirmed that this little adventure is officiallly over. Confusingly - why must they f**k with my head - the nurses told MDB (when he called to ask them what to do) that I should up the progesterone and test on Friday anyway. Sounds like a recipe for more tears to me, but at this stage, what do I have to lose?!

I'm off to work tonight - to take my mind off this. I could cry for a week, but that won't get me anywhere. I'll pretend to be ok tonight at work - where they don't know about all of this - and maybe i'll feel ok too.

I'll have a few glasses of wine and some great big lattes and then get right back on the babymaking wagon.

Best of luck to all of you still waiting - esp Heather, whose lack of entry so far today is driving me crazy! Hope she's ok.

Game over

Perhaps TMI but i'm distraught to report that the spotting has turned to gushing.

MDB had read that you can bleed and still be pregnant (bless him) and is hopeful, but I know there can't be anything left up there! I have cramps and lower back pain too. Sad end to this attempt.

I've been scared to go to the bathroom - it just gets worse and worse - and come out each time bawling. I wish there was some way of putting it right. All that effort and emotion invested to get to this point - it's SO unfair!

I know we'll try again, but who knows how do people do this time after time. The emotional rollercoaster is horrendous.

Those 2 perfect embryos clearly didn't want to stick around. I wish I knew why! Until now we've had answers to everything. This is the first mystery in our infertility. Just out of luck, I suppose.

Anyway, I need to go and get a hug from MDB - who has come home to see me - and to get on with some work to take my mind of my misery. I'll recover, but am feeling low, low, low.

ps: Still rooting for you Heather xxx

oh dear...

...i have something new to be worry about. As if cramping and the stitch pain isn't enough to keep me up at night (when I should be sleeping and helping those embryos attach and grow) now i've started spotting.

Twice today, brown stains have set my heart racing. I felt a bit shocked, but not like it was all over. The clinic say not to worry, and many others seem to have had the same, but I really, really don't like it. I've been calmer than i'd've thought i'd be but then it's not full on bleeding...yet. PLEASE PLEASE don't let it be the onset of a period. What a miserable end to this adventure that would be.

I had an appointment with my acupunturist today too. She held my hand, passed me tissues and reassured me. She's SUCH a lovely person. She's going to get some chinese herbs in that stop miscarriage. I know that won't make a difference to whether or not my embryos are thriving or not at this stage, but she wants them in, just in case...

I was going to go out with friends tonight, but they've cancelled and i'm pleased. I'd rather be at home. MDB has cancelled his plans too. I said he doesn't need to, but he wants to be with me. It feels very lovely - if a little weird - to have someone equally concerned about my welfare as me. That may sound weird. Perhaps it's a newly wed thing.

As ever, my fingers are well and truly crossed xx

IVF Day 45; 2WW Day 9/-5!

I haven't had the energy to post for the last few days.

Wednesday ended with me in tears all evening, feeling friendless, lonely and generally sorry for myself. I know i'm not and MDB is WONDERFUL, but i'd hit a BIG dip in the hormone rollercoaste and there is no logic to your moods on that ride.

Think i'd been working too much at home alone, so I kept myself busy for the next few days. Thursday morning I had a meeting to plan a teambuilding exercise i'm running next week and in the afternoon I planned a lesson for that evening. Felt level headed. Worried by 2 road rage incidents that had my adrenalin running. I'm trying SO hard to keep calm, but i obviously need to be kept at home to stay calm - and then i end up miserable!

Friday I went out to breakfast and to buy gifts for a party we have to go to on Saturday night. Felt really, really nauseous. I'm sure it's to do with my guts as they are so all over the place, but you can't help feeling a bit hopeful....

I went to visit a friend in hospital - at least I got to put my feet up whlst I was there. MDB had tickest to a screening of the new Bond film and I was ready to go, but felt v tired and was concerned at not being able to do my (most favourite) progesterone pessary on time. We decided to skip it - too many people and cold night too - and went for a local Thai meal.

Still cramping, but not so badly, and the nausea comes and goes. This really is unbearable! Saturday night, we had to go to a big family party. I SO didn't want to go. I just feel so bloated that I didnt' want to put on a sexy black dress and heels. I knew loads of people would be aware of our troubles - our fault for being so open - and I just wasn't up to being talked to, or talked about. Really didn't enjoy it very much - i'm sure standing in heels and being cold wasn't good for me - and feel even more crampy and tired today. The cramping and backache is v much like my normal pre period stuff....PLEASE don' t let if be that!

Sorry for the length of this entry. I must write up my stuff more often, so I don't have to write pages of update!

Anyway, no bleeding yet so still hopeful. Who knows why I feel so crampy. Will try to take it easy tonight xx

all seemed too calm...

Thought I was dealing with this all v well. Taking every day with a deep, controlled breath and managing relative calm.

Yesterday afternoon, it was very clear that there's a lot going on inside - no real surprise.

I'd mistakenly sent an email to a group instead of one person and was mortified. I got that panicky cold sweat feeling all over when I realised what had happened. Nothing I could do except get worked up and i'm trying so hard to be calm at the moment! MDB wasn't remotely sympathetic. He'd been grumpy all day, which hadn't helped either - so difficult to be around.

We sat down to watch a tv programme we'd taped (The Royle Family) from the night before. I thought it would calm me down but e mails kept bouncing in from the unintended recipients, making it a whole lot worse! The programmed - a comedy - was actually really sad and it made me teary. The teariness turned into full blown sobbing within minutes. MDB was (finally) sympathetic and made soothing noises whilst I let all the tension go. I'm so flipppin' scared to get stressed or do anything that might affect the embryos and have no idea what's going on in there. I hate this!

Still feeling low today - not helped by my having sprinted to rescue MDB's car from being towed away this morning and then panicking about the adrenalin burst that all caused! I remembered it whilst I was in the shower this morning and had to pull on clothes and run out to find the tow lorry pulling up next to it! Gave the men in the lorry a little smile and a wave before I got in the car to move it.

This black mood has come from nowhere. I felt ok until now. I'm sure it will lift. Just one of those things....xx

All aboard

So, Friday morning I went for my pre-transfer acupuncture session. My lovely acupuncturist was following a v specific plan. Needles in my ear, top of my head, legs and belly! Aimed to relax and increase blood flow to my uterus.

Relaxed and nurtured, i went home to meet MDB from work and (after changing into more comfy clothes (me) and a scooby snack (him) we set off for the clinic. For once, with plenty of time, we were fairly relaxed and arrived early for our appointment. So early, in fact, that we popped out to buy some lovely sandwiches and chocs for after the procedure.

As usual, our specialist was late. Sitting with HUGE full bladder after our appt time, I got MDB to find out what was going on. Specialist was still not there! I went to empty my too full bladder and, guess who walked into the clinic! Was lovely to see him. He's such a kind man...

We went upstairs to the transfer room. MDB was disappointed that he was not getting gowned up this time and that I wasn't having full on knock out drugs. I explained it was just like our mock...but real. So, we went into the room with our specialist, a lovely nurse and a v nice embryologist. They sat MDB and I down in 2 chairs and told us we had 3 eggs fertilised and that they were all top grade! Excellent. They checked our names and dob's - it felt like an exam. They asked how many eggs we'd like returned. We hadn't really discussed this, but when they confirmed our chances were less if we had only 1 returned, we went for the double whammy. The third will be frozen.

The transfer went ok. I felt relaxed - probably too relaxed, as I wouldn't shut up! Only scary moment was when it felt quite uncomfortable and they got worried about my saying it felt crampy. Hope that didn't cause a problem...!

MDB sat stroking my hair and squeezing my arm - generally being v sweet. When it was all done, they handed us a photo of the embryos, or at least the fluid they'd been in. I got up and dressed and we had a chat with the embryologist - such a lovely girl - who urged me to empty my bladder as it was clear from the screen how full it still was! I was worried whether my precious cargo might just fall out, so waited a little while before very carefully going. We said goodbye to our specialist - after asking some silly questions (me) like how do i sort the constipation the drugs are giving me. (Again, i'm scared that the babies might somehow be pushed out before they're attached...sad, but true...not that I told him that!

MDB went to get the car - saving me the walk - and we drove home. We were both worried about every bump dislodging those tiny embryos. At home I put my feet up and drank tea, ate cake and watched endless television. That's pretty much how i've stayed since then. I was so fed up of these four walls, we had a v gentle slow walk to the DVD shop via Starbucks for more cake, on Sunday. Otherwise, it was feet up and resting.

Will get back to normal gradually, but it makes sense to do the best I can to make this work. 11 days to go before we'll know...xx

10 steps forward

What a couple of days. Didn't feel up to blogging yesterday as I was too worried about today.

We had the collection yesterday. It all went very smoothly as the staff at the clinic were wonderful. They were charming and so so kind. Although I was only sedated, I was totally unconscious throughout the procedure. MDB was in there with me - not that i'd've known about it. I snored apparently. When I woke in the recovery room - with another lovely nurse - MDB had gone to do his bit. Shame he had to go through all the bad bits without me. Anyway, when they wheeled me out he was in our cubicle and told me we had 4 eggs...4!!!! A bit disppointed it wasn't 5, but 4's not bad at all.

I recovered quite well and was allowed out quite quickly. The worst bit had been the IV line in my arm. That hurt!

At home, MDB went for my prescriptions and got me a DVD. I relaxed on the sofa and ate the rest of my sandwich from the clinic. Felt ok. Thought i'd feel really bad today, but feel ok. A little crampy, but otherwise ok. Am encouraged that i'm fit and well and recovering from all this (it seems) quite quickly.

Had to wait until today for fertilistation news. Call was due from embryologist between 11.30 and 1. Didn't want to dwell on it so got on with some work. At 10.30ish they called. I was so scared they'd say sorry, none have worked, but the embryologist - maggie - told me THREE have fertilised!!! I'm so relieved. It means that it's possible for MDB's sperm to fertilise my eggs! Such good news! he seemed less excited, but we do have more steps to go through before we're at the end of this road.

Trying to relax today and be calm and positive. Easier said than done. Went to visit friend with two week old baby. V sweet. Didn't feel envious or sad. Just relaxed. Think it's the high that comes with this time of the treatment. It's the pre-period phase, where there's hope remaining.

Anyway, time to do a bit of calm visualisation. Fingers crossed xx

drug free day

Today has been needle and spray free. How lovely not to live by my alarm that tells me to sniff or stick a needle in my belly.

There were some needles, as I went for Acupuncture, but that's a bit different. My acupuncturist is so postive about the cycle and thinks i'm doing really well. She used points to nourish my uterus and to relax me. I feel fairly calm. Well, 'calm before a storm' calm.

i've cancelled my work for most of next week and cancelled tonight's work. I didn't want to, but MDB wanted me to and I felt that it this doesn't work (it will, it will) then I'd hate for either of us to think I didnt' give it my best shot. I also felt a bit iffy this morning. Sicky and with strange goings on in my belly. Am ok now. Just cold and ready to snuggle up in front of the television with a hot water bottle and MDB.

I hope these follicles of mine all produce good eggs and that they all fertilise. That would be fantastic. One egg that fertilises and turns embryo and stays put for 9 months would be a wonderful miracle.

This is all a bit surreal really. Who'd have thought i'd be doing this?

Fingers crossed for tomorrow - funny...i'm not nervous, and it's a sort of operation. Suppose the end goal is keeping me going through experiences that i'd never have imagined i'd have been able to achieve x

Last injection today!!!

Sniffed my last sniff this evening. Had spoken to my favourite nurse (Aussie sweetheart) late afternoon. She told me to sniff at 6 and then to inject the trigger at 11.30pm!! Haven't been up that late in a long time. We asked for the last collection slot so MDB could drive me to the clinic after his work finished. We're on at 10.30am on Wednesday morning. Am v excited!!

My tummy is covered in bruises, and my nightly injection has started to sting now. Not sure why - maybe the bruising? I'm feeling a little stressed as i'm going to be stopping work for a few days and when you're self employed, you don't know when the work will be there again. I HATE that I have to worry about all of this. Even if (I know I should be saying 'when') it works, there's a whole fortnight of limbo and maybe nine months of concern that all is well. I must stop feeling negative, but it seems to be a permanent battle against my inner voice of doom and gloom. Every so often its overruled by the bubbling up of excitement at the thought that this actually might work!

Dr Big Hair (our consultant) has been gorgeous. He's so sweet and genuinely seems to care that this works. In fact, all the staff are wishing us luck now. Even the receptionist.

Anyway, it's all systems go and MDB is totally on my case nagging me to relax, so it's nightie night and time to get ready for bed so i'm ready to sleep post-jab.

As ever, fingers crossed x

First cycle, third scan

Well, we had our third scan this morning. We drove over to the clinic on empty Sunday morning roads.

The weekend scanning operator was charming. Been doing the job years, and was very kind and sensitive. She had a good dig around, making me move my legs and press on my tummy so that she could get a good look at my ovaries. The follicles are getting quite big now. I've got four that are at or over the threshold they need to be to be for harvesting and three coming up behind.

The nurse thought i'd probably have another scan (on Tuesday) with a trigger after that. She called our consultant, who said we should do one more stimulating injection and then the trigger on Monday night. He'll harvest them on Wednesday - the day he works at the clinic. I was a little concerned that we were fitting in with his timetable, but trust him. Well...trust him enough to ring him immediately we'd left the clinic to check whether or not we'd be better off waiting. He said he'd like more follicles, but that at the end of the day we only need one egg to fertilise, so he was happy to go ahead.

I must stop worrying about the whole number of follicles issue. We've enough to hope for at least one to fertilise and maybe even one or two to freeze, so I must be calm.

After the scan, feeling a whole lot better than we'd done the last two days, we went off to enjoy our Sunday. I'm feeling nauseous and a bit tender on my tummy, but otherwise, quite normal, so this whole experience is surreal.

I'm mildly concerned at the low follicle count, but otherwise excited to be at this stage on our first cycle. This time next week, I might even have a fertilised embryo (or two) on board. I hope that the harvest is ok and the fertlisation works....as that's an unknown at the moment.

Must go. Work to do and protein to be eaten to nourish those eggs

xx

Introduction 21 October 2006

Welcome to my blog. I'm 37 years old and live in NW London. I used to be a lawyer but I retrained as a chef and I love what i'm doing. I've been married to my wonderful husband - my darling boy (MDB) for less than 6 months. I love the life we have together.

The fly in the ointment is that we've been told we won't be able to have children on our own. We'd been trying for a baby for 10 months when I decided we should go and get tested. I tested ok. FSH a bit high, but nothing too drastic. All the other hormones were ok. MDB's results were another story. Fertility 'severely impaired'. Low sperm count and low, even no motility. ICSI would be our only chance. What a blow only a few months into our marriage.

At our age, most of our friends have children and many of my very close girlfriends have children. Of my closest friends, 2 have just given birth and a third is due in early December. It's very hard to come to terms with but, as time isn't on my side, we've had to pick ourselves up pretty quickly and get on with it.

I've been reading blogs by other girls in the same position, but they all seem to be in the US or Canada. Where are all my English sisters?!!! I'm finding it really hard not having anyone to share this with. No one even talks in the clinic's waiting room. It's verys strange.

We've started our first cycle of ICSI but it's not going terribly well so far. I've done the suppression phase and been injecting Gonal-F for over a week. My first scan showed 6 follicles...ok for a first go. Feeling quite ok about it, but the Scan 2 showed only 4 to be growing. The nurse asked if we wanted to stop the cycle. We had no idea that this could happen. I thought the 6 were safe. We've another scan in the morning, and then we can decide what to do next. I've so much to say, but I won't say it just yet. I need to make supper for me and MDB.

More tomorrow when i've time to post.